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Title: Buffy Movie MST3K - Part one
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. Buffy and the Buffy movie
all belong to Joss the Genius, as does Spike. Apoplgies Whedon, I state a few
times that this movie is shite. Cause it is. I’m just borrowing him, and I’ll
probably return him in good working order, I kept the receipt. Apologies
Satoshi, I’ve used your Team Rocket crime boss. Pokémon isn’t mine. I’ve also
made off with some real people for this, they’re not my creations, please God
don’t sue.
Hi! This is one of my first MSTings, so it may not be very good.
It’s silly. Very silly. Don’t try to take it seriously, it’ll hurt.
For the
uninitiated, MST3K is a show in which a bunch of people and robots are forced to
crappy SciFi movies in space. I love this show, and always hoped that they’d do
the Buffy movie, but they never did. So I will. [grin] It’s a pretty big
project, so it’ll have to be done in parts. Today you’ll get the intro and a few
scenes up until the movie theatre. Don’t ask why I used the chacters I did.
[blush] Americans won’t know how they are, but it won’t hinder you.
Enjoy,
and please email me any comments at dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk. If you send me your
fanfiction to MSTie, I’d love you forever. Especially if it’s badly spelt.
Giovanni sighed. All was not going to plan at all. They were enjoying
the movies, dammit! That wasn’t meant to happen!
"This never happened to Dr
Forrester." he mumbled, scratching his Persian behind the ears. "Peerrrr." it
replied. Not particularly helpful. All of a sudden, an idea hit him. How about
adding another person to the satellite? That would be perfect, it would cause
disturbance between the crew, and if they were a very irritable person…
But
who? Jumping to his feet, inadvertently knocking the cat Pokémon over, he strode
over to a large machine, and pressed a button. The screen flickered on, and
raced through a large list of small writing, before it finally stopped, a green
line highlighting a name. "Perfect." he growled, and pushed another
button.
It had been another dull day in Sunnydale. Every day was dull if you
couldn’t go outside for fear of combusting. Spike had run outside one or twice
with his duster jacket over his head when he realised he was out of beer, that
being the exciting part of the day. Spike cracked open another beer, and stared
at the walls of his crypt again, counting the tiny spots on the wall. From
previous experience, he already knew there were three thousand and sixty three
of them, but hey, it may have changed since yesterday. Just as he got to spot
number two hundred and fifty nine, he disappeared in a crackle of blue
electricity.
On the SoL, things were no more interesting than Spike’s crypt.
Ant was industriously counting the tiny pieces of pipe on the wall of the
kitchen when Cat burst in flailing her arms wildly.
"There’s a bloke in the
main room!" she cried. Calming down a bit, she added "And he’s cute."
She
dashed back out again, accompanied by Ant who had decided that a bloke appearing
as if by magic in the main room was marginally more interesting than bits of
piping.
"Bugger." murmured Spike. He’d landed on a sofa, luckily for him, and
hadn’t sustained any injuries. The sofa had been mortally wounded, however. It
had been reduced to a pile of springs and foam on the carpet. As he climbed out
of the sofa’s wreckage, he noticed another person in the room, and the entry of
two more people.
"Bugger." he repeated. Declan opened his mouth to say
something, but was interrupted by a flashing light and beeping
sound.
Wordlessly, Cat pressed the communicator button, to show Giovanni’s
face on the large screen.
"You’ve met the new arrival, then" he smirked.
"This is Spike. He’s a vampire." Giovanni noted Ant, Dec and Cat’s quick
backward shuffles with a grin.
"He can’t hurt you, he has a chip in his
head." Cat raised her hand meekly.
"I’ve seen this show…" she began slowly.
"It was good. There was this girl who fights evil and her friends. They kicked
this guy’s arse." She grinned at him. "I’m right, aren’t I?"
"Not that
program…" groaned Dec. "I hate that. My lass used to watch it."
Spike, who
had remained silent for long enough, growled and put on his Vamp face. "I know
how it goes already." he snarled. "Tell me what happens next."
"Bad movies.
Lots of them. Bad Anime too." sighed Ant. "Welcome to our Hell."
"Enough!"
snapped Giovanni. "Movie time! Today we have a related topic. Buffy the Vampire
Slayer, the original movie. This would be about the origins of your slayer
friend. I’d suggest you get to the theatre before the oxygen is removed.
Goodbye."
"Should be interesting." Spike said, and swaggered off, with a leer
at Cat. He stopped before he reached the door, and asked if there’s anything he
should know.
They all spoke at once.
"This’ll be painful. Very
painful."
"You can’t leave the cinema halfway though, there’s no air."
"We
have to hit Dec over the head every now and then, he gets a bit
innuendo-happy."
Spike pulled a face, and went through the door.
The
others followed, more than a teeny bit worried about the vampire, impotent or
not.
***Spike enters first, Cat second, leaving a seat’s space in-between
her and the vampire. Dec next, dashing in an sitting down as quickly as
possible. Ant follows, his eyes never leaving Spike.***
Europe: The Dark
Ages
Narrator
Since the dawn of man, the vampires have walked among us.
Killing. Feeding.
ANT: (unnecessarily happy) They don’t seem very nice,
do they, boys and girls?
SPIKE: Watch your mouth.
The only one with
the strength or skill to stop their heinous evil is the Slayer.
DEC:
Totally heinous evil.
CAT: Bogus to the max.
She who bears the
birthmark. The mark of the coven. Trained by the Watcher, one slayer dies and
the next is chosen.
Slayer - And I shall be his sword.
Watcher - Let Satan
tremble.
CAT: If Satan would turn on the heating, he may not tremble so
much.
SPIKE: Satan’s a stingy bastard when it comes to bills.
The
Slayer is born.
School Gym [Game in Progress]
Coach - Okay, people.
They're psyching
ANT AND DEC: Psyche!
SPIKE: That album was terrible.
Mention it again and I’ll break your necks.
CAT: Need a hand with
that?
you out. Let's not be so defensive out there. What do we say on the
court? 'I am a person. I have a right to the ball.'
ANT: I am a person.
I have a right to get laid.
CAT: I am a person. I have a right to get the
hell out of this theatre.
SPIKE: I am a vampire. I have a right to kill
people, so why can’t I?
DEC: I am Tiger Woods.
….
Good. All right.
Here's our key play. We're going ... we're ... are we the X's or the
O's?
Team - We're the O's.
SPIKE: You’re a bunch of A’s.
ANT: I’m
sensing a little hostillity…
Coach - Oh. Oh, right. Okay.
SPIKE:
That’s it? We know which letter we are, scene done.
CAT: Perhaps the most
pointless scene in the history of film making.
Mall
Buffy - Mr. Howard
is so heinous. Huh. He's always giving me a hard time.
Buffy - I get a
C-plus on the test and he tells me 'You have no sense of history.' I have no
sense of history? He wears a brown tie!
SPIKE: The Slayer’s a ditz! I’ll
have to remind her of some of this if I get back.
DEC: (as Buffy) Wait, those
are two separate sentences…
CAT: (as Buffy) I have math next. I like
pink!
Nicole - You got a C-plus? I can't believe I cheated off
you.
Buffy - Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador. Like I'm ever going
to Spain anyway. Ooh! Wow! Look at that jacket!
ANT: (as Buffy) It’s made
entirely of beetle dung! Can you believe it?
Buffy - Mmmmm… wouldn't you
guys just love me in this?
DEC: (as Buffy) And nothing else?
Roooowwrr.
***Spike moves to hit him, but falls over clutching his
forehead***
SPIKE: Aww, shit… somebody get that for me?
***Cat thwaps Dec
over the head***
SPIKE: Cheers, luv.
Kimberly - Guys, what's the
sitch? I'm bored.
Buffy - What do you think?
Kimberly - Please... It's so
five minutes ago.
CAT: So, if she’d have bought and worn it five minutes
ago, she’d have to discard it now because it’s old?
ANT: What, do these girls
remove their clothes after wearing them for five minutes?
DEC: (shouting) Hey
Buffy, that top and bra are so five minutes ago! (normal voice) Is she
stripping?
SPIKE: Nope.
DEC: Awww.
***Cat hits him
again***
Jennifer - Yeah.
Buffy - Oh…
Kimberly - What are we
doing?
CAT: (as Kim) Where are we going? What is the meaning of
life?
ANT: (as Jennifer) Gosh, Kim, philosophy is sooo five minutes
ago.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) All the cool kids are talking psychology
now.
Buffy - Oh, I don't know. Why don't we see a movie?
Kimberly -
Where?
DEC: Movie theatre?
Jennifer - Omniplex?
Nicole - They
don't have Dolby.
Kimberly - Beverly Center.
Buffy - Please, They show
previews for foreign movies.
Kimberly - Oh, yeah.
Nicole -
AMC?
DEC: Anne mates cats?
ANT: And Martin crushes?
CAT: Anti
Martian crusaders?
SPIKE: All Made of Crap?
Buffy - Bogus
corn!
Kimberly - Totally stale. And the ushers are, like, acne
patrol.
ANT: This is the acne patrol! Come out with your hands
up!
CAT: Don’t push it, pizzaface.
Jennifer - Totally
Nicole -
We're thinking Pavilion. Sitch?
SPIKE: Bless you.
Buffy - Sounds
toasty. We're going to Pavilion.
Jennifer - Excellent
Buffy - What's
playing there?
DEC: A movie?
Nicole - I don't know. Does it
matter?
Buffy - Excuse much! Rude or anything!
Kimberly - Nice
ensemble!
Buffy - What a homeless.
SPIKE: What the hell was
that?
ANT: I guess our friendly transcriber neglected to add actual actions
to the script.
CAT: (valley girl voice)How heinous.
DEC: (valley girl
voice) Like, oh mi God! What a sitch.
Pavillion Movie Theater
Nicole -
Is Jeffery really spending the night at you house?
SPIKE: (high voice)
You house! You dirty House!
CAT: Geez Nicole, no need to call me a
house…
Buffy - That's the plan.
Nicole - Eeyuu. What a
sitch.
Jennifer - Your parents are always going away for the weekend. You're
so lucky.
Buffy - Yeah...I guess.
Pike - Will you guys shut up,
please?
Buffy - It could happen.
ANT: That you’d shut up? Not
likely.
DEC: Teenage girl logic makes no sense.
SPIKE: You’re young
yet.
Pike - Booo!
Benny - Hiss!
CAT: Hey! It’s a fish and one
of Top Cat’s friends!
SPIKE: I keep reading it as Pinky and the Brain. Am I
the only one?
DEC: Vampires watch that show?
SPIKE: (sheepishly) I like
Pinky.
Pike - Wrong answer! No prize.
Nicole - Gross. Take a chill
lozenge.
ANT: Isn’t that illegal?
Kimberly - Like we don't have
rights, too?
Buffy - Ignore them.
Benny - No, No. I can't believe these
people. We paid money to see this.
Pike - No, we didn't.
Benny - Oh,
yeah.
CAT: Duh, me Benny. Me not know what happen. D’oh!
SPIKE: (as
one of the handkerchief guys on Monty Python) My brain hurts!
GIOVANNI: (over
a PA) Time for a break.
ANT: That was… unusually short…
GIOVANNI: Don’t
argue. Break, now!
CAT: Fine, fine.
***All stand up to leave, Ant and Dec
dashing out, Cat wandering, Spike taking his time***
That’s all I’ve done
so far. This is kinda experimental for me, I’m not too good at it. I hated the
opening sequence, I apologise for that. The riffs aren’t going to badly, it is
hard to mock anything by Joss, even if it isn’t that great.
However, what I
need now is a bit of response. If I don’t get any, I may not bother doing the
rest of it. Please tell me, should I change the characters, carry on, or screw
it and not bother? I really need to know! Review me! Review me! Please, for the
love of God, PLEASE!
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