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Title: Original Buffy Movie MST3K part two
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Coo, I had encouragement! I’m going on, then. Same disclaimer as
before, Not mine, not mine, not mine, you know the rest.
Also, I was advised
to add an annoying person. So, enter Ash and Pikachu…
Into about his
fifth bottle, the woozy feeling in his head told Giovanni that drowning his
sorrows wasn’t the best way to go about things. He burped happily as his last
rational though for at least twelve hours left his mind. The booze was gone, now
what? Something to do, something to do…
He snapped his fingers, dropping the
bottle. He could play about with that transport dealie he used to put people on
the satellite. So who should he pick this time? Somebody who really deserved it,
who had it coming to them…
The answer came to him as the video screen
flickered to life. Two worried faces appeared, pleading incessantly. "We’re
sorry We’re sorry We’re sorry We’re sorry!" yelled James.
"We missed that
twerp and his rat! He saw through James’ clever disguise!" cried
Jessie.
"Clever? He was wearing a cheerleader’s outfit, how’s dat clever?"
Meowth whined in his broad accent.
Giovanni didn’t bother saying a word to
them as he flicked off the screen and stumbled over to the transport dealie.
"Perfect," he mumbled, "I can lose them and that twit with the rat all at
once!"
Jessie turned away from the monitor slowly. "D’you think he was
annoyed?" asked James.
"Of COURSE he was, dimwit!" his partner shrieked in
response, smacking him over the head with a paper fan. "Hey, cool it, youse
two!" yelled Meowth, scratching them both. "I hear the twerp trio.
And sure
enough, Ash-tachi were ambling along the road. That is, until Ash and his
faithful Pikachu disappeared in a crackle of electricity.
"Wow." said Misty,
a little shocked.
"Yeah." agreed Brock.
"Party?"
"Yeah!"
Team
Rocket watched Misty and Brock dancing in circles, singing "He’s gone, he’s
gone! Tra-la-la!"
"Hmm." said Jessie, pursing her lips. James ran his fingers
through his blue hair. "Well, then. Makes our job a little easier, I
guess."
Meowth would have replied, but he was interrupted by a large current
of blue electricity passing through him and his team-mates. Like Ash, they
vanished.
Ant, Dec and Cat were all asleep on the freshly mended sofa.
Spike was pacing about, chewing the end of a pencil. Occasionally he laughed
softly and marked something down in his notebook. "She said… ah, I remember.
`Sounds Toasty`. Hehehe."
He scribbled this down on a page marked "Blackmail
for Buffy"
He stopped as a crash resounded through the ship. Putting the book
safely in his pocket, he followed the sound to the kitchen, where three people
and two animal like things were in a heap.
"More, dammit?" he said to the
ceiling.
When the people came around, after a brief introduction, Giovanni’s
slightly pinker than normal face came into view on the communicator screen.
"Umm…(hic).. movie now…" he murmured, and giggled.
"He’s pissed." frowned
Spike.
"It happens." whispered James. "You learn to deal with
it."
Giovanni giggled again. "Movie." he repeated.
"OK. Alright…" the
vampire grumbled, and kicked the sofa. "Wake the Hell up!" he yelled at the
group, who were still fast asleep.
Meowth prodded them. "They dead? Or just
lazy?"
"Both." growled Spike. "Don’t let the air out of the room, you’ll kill
‘em. Not that that’s a bad thing, I just want a shot at them before you do.
We’ll go in." he indicated the confused Pokémon trainers behind him.
"Is this
a test for my Orange League badge?" wheedled Ash. Jessie grabed him by the
collar, dragging him towards the theatre. James followed, Meowth sat on his
head. "No pets." Said Spike. "Cats make me sneeze." Meowth shot him a dirty
look, but, glad of his freedom, he clawed down James’ shoulders, and took up a
patch on the sofa beside Dec.
***All enter, Spike leading, Jessie after
him, dragging Ash. James pushes into the space between Ash and
Jessie.***
Street Outside Movie Theater
SPIKE: (continuing an
explanaition) … vampires, like me. Slays ‘em, you see. She’s called
Buffy.
JESSIE: We’re not off to a good start already. I ahte cheerleaders, I
just want to take those pompoms and shove them…
JAMES: (covering Ash’s ears)
Jessie! There are kids here!
Grueller - Look at that moon! It's huge!
Come on, guys, we gotta do something tonight. Party.
Andy - You know if you'd
spend more time at home sleeping, you'd spend less time on court
sucking.
JAMES: (As Andy) You’re always sucking lollipops on court,
Grueller! What’s your deal?
Jeffery - You were useless out there today.
Anyway I'm booked. Gonna spend some quality time with the little
woman.
JESSIE: She’s only three inches high.
Andy/Grueller - Wimp!
Wimp!
JAMES: Oh no! Andy and Grueller have merged into one super stupid
twin body! God help us all!
ASH: Wimp wimp?
JESSIE: Dork dork.
SPIKE:
Arse arse.
Jeffery - You guys are pathetic.
Grueller - Later for you
then. I'm blowing. Andy, you coming?
JAMES: More euphemisms.
SPIKE:
Honestly, kids today.
ASH: I don’t get it…
Andy - No, I'll hitch a
ride with Jeffery.
Grueller - Okay. Later.
Andy - Slam
dunk.
JESSIE: Slam drunk, more like.
Andy - Later.
Andy -
Jeffery, I don't mean to sound sexist or anything, but can I borrow
her?
ASH: Borrow who?
SPIKE: Cindy, his inflatable friend.
***All
but Ash snicker***
ASH: Wha?
Buffy - Andy!
ALL: ARGH!
JAMES:
Don’t creep up on me like that!
SPIKE: Where the hell did she come
from?
Jeffery - No way. You'd get her dirty. He would, honey. He's an
animal.
JESSIE: A pure bred anteater.
Park
Grueller - Oh, man.
I'm not in the mood for this.
ASH: In the mood for a spot of park
walking?
Whoever's behind me better be gone when I turn
around.
Grueller - What are you? Some kinda weirdo or something?
Huh?
ASH: He answered himself…
JESSIE: (panicked, looking around) What
the hell just happened?
SPIKE: (annoyed) ARGH!
Living Room [Buffy 's
house]
TV - The apparent cause of death was a severe neck wound that, in the
words of one bystander looked like "a really gross hickey."
JAMES: This
reporter does not know what a hickey is, but he feels that he would like one. I
hope you’re watching this, honey.
In a related story, the body of Jason
Dufee is missing from the morgue.
Buffy's Father - Have fun, be good, stay
away from the Jag.
JESSIE: Don’t eat yellow snow, wash your hands, don’t
swallow, spit.
SPIKE: (looks a little more interested)
JAMES: (shocked)
Jessie!
ASH: I always spit.
OTHERS: …
ASH: We’re talking ‘bout
mouthwash, right?
SPIKE: Shall I tell him? That would make for an interesting
conversation.
Buffy - I know.
Buffy 's Mother - Well, that's
everything.
Buffy - Bye.
Buffy's Mother - Kiss noise.
ASH: She said
`Kiss noise`?
SPIKE: That’s unlike Joyce.
Buffy's Mother - Bye-bye,
Bobby!
Jeffery - Bye! They think my name's Bobby?
Buffy - It's possible
they think my name's Bobby.
JAMES: Bobby, the vampire slayer!
JESSIE:
I like that, it has a ring to it. Much like, `Jessie, Queen of the World`
does.
ASH: `Ash Ketchum, number one Pokémon master!`
SPIKE: `Spike, very
nauseous vampire.`
JAMES: That one needs work.
SPIKE: I was thinking of
changing it to `murderous.`
Jeffery - Real 'quality-timers,'
huh?
Buffy - Something like that.
Jeffery - Hey, it works for me. I mean,
If they want to leave you alone in the house, all helpless and
vulnerable...
SPIKE: I can kill you and eat your face.
Europe: The
Middle Ages
Lothos - Oh, please. Show me a real Slayer.
JAMES: (Dr
Evil doing a Jerry Maguire) Show me the slayer!
JESSIE: (as Scott Evil) That
movie won’t be made for another thirty years, ass.
Slayer -
Lothos
Lothos - Will you people ever learn. We can't be stopped.
Lothos -
This is our world now.
ASH: I’m guessing there was another lot of action
that we missed there.
SPIKE: We’ll have to tell Gio to at least get us a full
crappy script.
Buffy's Bedroom [Dream Sequence with Lothos]
Buffy -
Wow.
JAMES/ASH: Oh.
JESSIE: Scene ends. Right, making sense
here…
SPIKE: The minimalist approach to film making.
Lothos'
Cavern
Amilyn - Sleep, my master, my own, sleep. I have already begun
building you a new family, soon you will be legion. When you rise, we will claim
this place as our own.
Amilyn - Rubies will drip from your lips.
ASH:
(as Amilyn) They will really hurt.
JAMES: What kind of a temperature would a
ruby have to be at to drip?
Amilyn - Soon.
Outside Hemery High
School
JESSIE: Haemorrhoid High school? That doesn’t sound too
right.
Buffy - The environment. I'm telling you it's totally key. The
Earth's in terrible shape. We could all die. Besides, Sting's doing
it.
JESSIE: There’s a lot of things Sting does that you
shouldn’t.
ALL: (laugh)
Kimberly - I thought he was doing
Indians.
JESSIE: See what I mean?
Jennifer - Are there any good
sicknesses that aren't too depressing?
Andy - Watcha guys doing?
Nicole -
The senior dance. We need to come up with a theme.
JAMES: (hums the
Dragonball Z theme)
SPIKE: (hums the Simpsons theme)
ASH: (hums the
Friends theme)
JESSIE: (hums the MST3K theme)
Buffy - It has to be,
like, a socially conscious theme.
Cassandra - One that reflects the students'
growing awareness of and involvement in the world around them.
JESSIE:
`Cos that’s what 16 year olds are most worried about - the world!
JAMES: They
should do a dance theme about not being able to get a date for the
dance.
SPIKE: … does that make ANY sense to anybody?
ASH: Kinda.
JAMES:
(sweatdropping) I’m making sense to him? NOO!
Jeffery /Andy -
Downer.
Buffy - I still say the environment. That's my
suggestion.
SPIKE: (Mojo Jojo) It is my suggestion. Not the suggestion
that Kim or Cassandra came up with, mine. There are not excuses for stealing my
idea, for it is mine, and mine alone. Nobody else can take this suggestion,
remove it, steal it plagiarise it, copy it, for it is mine, and I am Buffy
Summers!
JESSIE: I’m almost willing to accept that you watch Pinky and the
Brain, but the Powerpuff Girls?
SPIKE: Bubbles is cute.
Kimberly -
Yeah. Me too.
Cassandra - What are the most immediate threats to the world
environment right now?
ASH: You.
Jeffery - Um...litter?
Nicole
- Forest fires?
Buffy - Bugs.
Kimbberly - Totally
Jennifer - Yeah. Hate
them.
Jeffery - Cassandra, write it down.
Cassandra - Okay, guys, how
about the ozone layer?
Kimberly - Oh, yeah!
Nicole - Right!
Buffy - We
gotta get rid of that! That's right.
ALL: (laugh)
SPIKE: I’m writing
that one down!
Gary Murray - First bell, people. Time marches
on.
JAMES: Gary who? Did we miss an important character?
Jeffery -
What's your point?
Kimberly - Let's meet tonight, okay? Cafe Blase?
Nicole
- Cool. We can figure out decorations annd stuff.
Buffy - I don't know. I
really want to get a head start on my homework.
(laughter)
JESSIE:
Was that us, or them?
Nicole - I love that one.
Buffy - Yeah, but you
tell it better.
JAMES: Ah, it was them.
ASH: That was a little
confusing…
SPIKE: You can’t tie your shoes without being
confused.
Cafe Blase
Nicole - I don't see why we have to invite every
single senior.
Buffy - Kimberly, it's the senior dance.
Nicole - Shot in
the dark.
ASH: (panicked) Who did? Who shot? Who’s dead?
SPIKE: I
think she’s just spouting random phrases.
JAMES: (as Nicole) A stitch in time
saves nine!
Nicole - Do we have to invite Nadia? She's such a
blemish.
JAMES: (as Nicole) Too many cooks spoil the broth!
Buffy
- I thought that look was over.
Kimbeerly - Well, it's retro.
Jennifer -
Retro.
Kimberly - You can borrow it sometime.
Buffy - Okay, maybe I
will.
Buffy - We were talking about the senior dance.
[Girls
Laugh]
SPIKE: (As Buffy) Hah hah! Dance! We crack me up.
Benny -
What does it look like?
JAMES: Possibly a boil, maybe a mole. You ought
see the doctor about that one.
Waitress - Two coffees or a hotdog ...
nothing on it, nothing on the side. I'm Charlotte, your waitress.
Benny -
Thanks, Charlotte.
Buffy - You guys are trashed.
Pike - That would explain
the slurred speech.
Pike - Thanks, what's your name?
Buffy - Buffy
.
Pike - That figures.
JESSIE: Yeah, all girls who say we’re trashed
are called Buffy. It’s the weirdest thing.
Pike - I'm Pike - . This is
Benny. ... I'm .. Pike.
Buffy - Pike isn't a name. It's a
fish.
JESSIE: Can I point out to little miss Slayer that her mother must
have named her after a childhood bunny rabbit? Or possibly a brand of
marshmallow snacks.
ASH: That’s pretty harsh.
JESSIE: Uh huh,
twerp.
SPIKE: I like you.
Benny - Don't we know you guys?
Pike -
Say, wait a minute.
JAMES: (as Monty Python handkerchief blokes) … My
brain hurts!
SPIKE: We did that last time.
JAMES: Oh OK. (as Pike) Wait a
minute, 2 plus 2 DOES equal four! Wow, my remedial teacher was right all along!
Now I feel silly for setting her hair on fire.
SPIKE: Better.
Benny -
You're the guys from the movie!
Pike - We hate you guys!
Kimberly - Like
we care.
Jennifer - Shoot, yeah. Boo hoo.
JAMES: Shoot yeah?
SPIKE:
I think it’s a sub for `shit`.
JAMES: Oh. That’s OK then.
Pike - You
guys were way rude. It was shocking.
Nicole - You just snuck in
anyway.
Jennifer - Yeah.
Benny - Hey, Buffy, you hungry? I've got
something for you.
SPIKE: A treat! Looky, Buffy, a Scooby
Snack!
Benny - Ah, man! She wasted my dog!
JAMES: Scooby! She
slayed him!
ASH: Astro Jetson too!
JESSIE: Oh, the humanity! Will your
slaying madness never stop?
***On that high note, Ash stands to leave,
followed by James, who is gripping tightly to Jessie, who is trailed by
Spike***
Yeah, so I did another part. Whaddaya think? Again, reviewing
and fanfics needed! Send me both or either at dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk
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