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Title: Buffy Movie MST3K part three
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
OK, next bit. I’m the Enigizer Bunny, I keep going and going…
Same disclaimers as before. Also, huge thanks to Raven Ebony from
fanfiction.net, who kindly pointed out that I forgot a fairly huge important bit
of the last one. Cheers, dear, I fixed it in time. And to Truman from the WD
(www.buffyguide.com), the chilli guy gave me feedback! What else? Oh, yeah,
email me with comments: dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk
As Spike, Team Rocket and Ash left the
theatre, two things came to their attention. Firstly, Ant, Dec and Cat were
finally awake, and playing with Pikachu. Second, there was a large pile of
bottles in the corner.
Spike rushed over to the bottles, inspecting the
labels. Jessie turned to Cat, and asked what was happening.
"Gio transported
these here by accident. He can’t remember which button brings them back, so
they’re ours. And he also let us choose who goes in the theatre next." she
grinned widely. "So we took a vote. And decided that we’ll have a drinking
competition for the right to not watch the film. Up for it?"
"Absolutely!"
sneered Jessie. "I could drink you lot under the table in a second!" James
pulled a face.
"I dunno, I don’t fancy this…" he whined.
"Then you’re
first in the theatre." replied Ant. "Ash is underage, he has to go in too."
There was a groan of terror from James’ general direction.
Dec looked up.
"I’m up for it. Got nothing better to do." he pouted. "What do you think,
Pikachu?". For the past quarter of an hour, he’d been playing with Pikachu, and
the little Pokémon had grown attached to him. He was sat on Dec’s shoulder,
getting nasty looks from Ash, who had gone into a corner to play with his other,
more faithful Pokémon.
"Chuu!" he squeaked, happily. This was much better
than being with Ash, all that fighting and walking around aimlessly. He didn’t
have to fight here, in fact, he’d just had a shot glass of tequila and a squeeze
of lemon. That beat fighting huge rock monsters while being commanded by a
ten-year old halfwit any day.
Meowth was busy pulling the labels off the
bottles. "Meowth is in." he said. "Anybody want out? No? OK, then. May the
tournament begin!" Meowth yowled. "Da foist tree losers of dis foist round’ll
have to go into da theatre. First face off is between…" he looked around
expectantly. "Somebody volunteer!" he yelled.
Cat raised a tentative hand,
but not before Jessie’s gloved hand shot up in the air.
"Cat versus Jessie!"
announced Meowth triumphantly.
A few minutes later, Cat was asleep on the
sofa, and Jessie was doing a drunken victory dance.
"Next!" called the cat
Pokémon, who’d declared himself an unofficial commentator. Spike vs. Declan.
This produced a slightly drunk vampire, and a highly drunk Geordie.
"Tree
people will do! We have our losers! Next to enter da theatre are Dec, Cat, and
James! Now, we’re playing for pride."
Ant vs. Spike was a quick match, an
easy win for Spike, who was getting more and more pissed. Jessie then beat
Meowth, leaving the final two contestants. Jessie glared at Spike.
"You’re
drunker than me." she said, thoughtfully.
"What of…. it?" rattled
Spike.
"Perhaps if I weaken your defences… by mentioning your old girlfriend,
Drusilla!" she gloated, having seen a particular episode of Buffy.
"Dru!
Why’d you leave me! A chaos demon, honestly!" Spike dissolved into drunken sobs.
"Jessie! You can’t do that!" snapped Ash. "That’s cheating!"
"Cheaters
always win, right?" she grinned. Ash stood up, on the defensive against Team
Rocket as ever.
The tension was building, only to be broken by the monitor
flicking on. Giovanni’s slighty more sober face came into view. He glared at all
present, the angry Jessie and Ash, the wailing vampire, James looking more than
a little upset, Meowth and Ant passed out on the sofa, and Dec and Cat preparing
themselves for more bad movie hell.
"I won’t ask." he sighed, stroking the
Persian by his chair. The cat Pokémon mewed, shooting Meowth a nasty glare.
"Have you picked your victims yet?"
Jessie answered him. "Yes, sir. James,
Dec, Cat, and Spike." James tapped her nervously on the shoulder. "We didn’t say
him." he whispered to her.
"I know. But I do."
"Fine, fine, then send
them in." Giovanni waved them off. "Persian, where do we keep the antacid?"
The screen went black. "Off you get!" said Jessie, cheerfully. "Enjoy the
movie! And don’t forget our little engagement!" the last remark was a little
lost on Spike, who walked shakily towards the theatre door, barely noticing
where he was going. James gave Jessie a half-hearted scowl, and followed Spike
with the others.
***James enters the theatre first, followed by Declan,
still with Pikachu perched on his shoulder, then Spike, then Cat. Spike is
staggering a little.***
SPIKE: (sobbing) Dru! Petal! Why did you
leave…?
CAT: Shut up. Somebody hit him.
DEC/JAMES: (back away)
SPIKE:
(Still sobbing.)
DEC: (to James) You should stand up to that Jessie, be a
man, you know?
JAMES: (bitterly) You’re the one who gets thwapped over the
head by Cat almost every day.
DEC: … That’s a good point…
SPIKE: (stops
wailing)
CAT: His batteries ran out.
SPIKE: The fourteenth glass of
tequila just kicked in. I’ve forgotten who Dru is.
Side Road
[Dark]
Pike - I'll have it running in about a week. All I need is some brake
pads, shocks, tires, new engine, maybe. It'll be totally cherry.
CAT:
We’ve had `Toasty`, now `cherry.` I see a pattern.
JAMES: Totally grapefruit,
dude.
DEC: Very cheese slice, man.
Benny - When you get you car
together, man, let's bail. Get away from this town, those rich bitches. They're
a plague, man. They've got to be stopped.
JAMES: He alone was chosen to
rid the world of the demon terrors that walk the night…
SPIKE: (as Benny)
`They’ve got to be stopped! And I’m the one to do it!`
DEC: Benny, the Rich
Bitch Slayer!
Pike - What, you didn't like them?
Benny - I mean,
they're all the same! They're so stuck up, like they're not even human. I hate
them.
Pike - Yeah, but would you bone'm?
JAMES: (as Pike) Yeah, I’d
hit them over the head with a bone any day.
CAT: That’s not what he
meant.
JAMES: Oh? Ah.
Benny - Yes. Definitely. Definitely. Please,
God. Especially the blond. Oh, I'd give my right eye for a piece of that. Mmmm,
boy
Pike - Yeah, but, she's not even human.
Benny - Yes, but her yaboos
scoff at gravity.
DEC: Yaboos?
CAT: Isn’t that a website? And an email
address?
SPIKE: spike_259@yaboo.co.uk
Pike - How very disgusting, you
don't even like her, but you'd sleep with her, won't ya.
Benny - I got a news
flash, man - another shot of this, and I'd have sex with you.
JAMES:
Hello…
CAT: Movie’s getting interesting.
Pike - Oh, yeah, and then
you'll never call me.
Benny - I think I'm gonna ralf.
JAMES: (as Pike,
camp) Oh, who’s Ralph? Another of your boytoys? I thought I was your one and
only!
Pike - Oh hey, Benny. I'm here for you. I'm here for you,
Ralf.
Merrick - This is not a very safe place for you to fall
asleep.
ALL: ARGH!
SPIKE: Shit, where the hell did he come
from?
JAMES: (as Pike, still camp) Is it Ralph?
Pike - Okay.
Mom.
Hemery School Gym
Buffy - Okay, "dribble, dribble, shoot, shoot,
to the hoop, hoop."
DEC: Upchuck, upchuck, vomit, vomit, in the basin,
basin.
Jennifer - Hey, I was thinking. For the dance, what about a big
sign that says Don't Tread on Me. You know, and a picture of the Earth.
Buffy
- Don't tread on the Earth?
Nicole - I don't get it.
DEC: Proverb
lady’s back!
ALL: (cheer)
CAT: (as Nicole) Cheaters never
prosper!
Buffy - How do you not tread on the Earth? I mean, you kind of
have to.
Jennifer - I never thought of that.
Nicole - I gotta bail.
SPIKE: (as Nicole) Mom got caught on the street corner again, I gotta go
bail her out.
JAMES: (as Nicole) Better to have loved and lost, than never
loved at all!
You coming?
Buffy - You guys blow. I'm waiting on
Cassandra. She's gonna help me with my history.
{Girls exit}
Buffy - Where
did you come from? You scared me to death.
SPIKE: Know the feeling.
Characters keep showing up without warning or stage directions.
DEC: Huh? Is
she talking to the girls who left?
CAT: But then, how can she complain that
they snuck up on her? They’re gone.
Merrick - I'm sorry. That was
impressive. The ... tumbling.
JAMES: She tumbled? Wha?
DEC: We missed
gymnastics?
SPIKE: She does that a lot. I’ve seen a few good back flips
before she kicks me in the face.
Buffy - What? Oh. I used to do
gymnastics. Are you looking for someone?
Merrick - I'm looking for you,
actually.
Buffy - Am I in trouble or something? If so, I didn't do
it.
CAT: (as Buffy, as Bart Simpson) Nobody saw me do it, you can’t prove
anything.
Merrick - Not at all. My name is Merrick. I was sent to find
you some time ago. I should have found you much sooner, but there were...
complications. You should have been taught, prepared.
Buffy - What are you
talking about?
JAMES: (as Merrick) Your midterms. You should have been
revising, Buffy.
Merrick - I've searched the entire world for you,
Buffy.
Buffy - Why?
Merrick - To bring you ... your birthright.
Buffy -
My birthright? You mean, like a trust fund?
Merrick - You must come with me.
It's much too late already. You must come with me to the graveyard.
Buffy -
Wait a minute. My birthright is in the graveyard. Later not.
Merrick -
Wait!
Buffy - You're one of those skanky old men that, like, attack girls and
stuff. Forget you.
CAT: (sarcastic) Oh, so she took self defence.
DEC:
(as Attacker) Give me your money!
JAMES: (as Buffy) Forget you!
DEC: (as
Attacker) Oh, OK. I’m sorry.
Merrick - You don't understand. You have
been chosen.
Buffy - Chosen to go to the graveyard? Why don't you just take
the first runner-up, okay?
Merrick - You must believe me. You must come with
me while there's still time.
Buffy - Time to do what?
Merrick - To stop
the killing. To stop the vampires.
SPIKE: To stop the killing by
killing.
Buffy - Let me get this straight. You're, like, this greasy bum,
and I have to go to the graveyard with you 'cause I'm chosen, and there's
vampires.
CAT: Wow, neat recap of the plot up until now.
PIKACHU:
Chu!
Merrick - Yes.
Buffy - Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you
to do things? Do you see spots?
DEC: (as Ralph Wiggum) The leprechauns
tell me to burn things!
Merrick - I have proof. You bear the
mark.
Merrick - The mark of the Coven! The -- where's the mark?
Merrick -
The mark of the -- wait a minute.
Buffy - You mean that big hairy mole?
Excuse me: eeyuu. I had it removed. And, like, knowing about my big old mole
isn't proof of anything except that it's way past medication time. Just stay
away from me, okay?
Merrick - Did you ever dream that you were someone
else?
Buffy - Everybody does.
JAMES: (as Buffy) I like to pretend I’m
Supergirl! NeeeoooW! Bang! Bang!
CAT: I hope you were pretending to be Buffy
then, ‘cause if not…
SPIKE: (gives James a sideways look)
JAMES: I’m not
gay! Why does everybody think that?
DEC: Well, you crossdress.
PIKACHU:
(argeeing) Chuu.
JAMES: ….
Merrick - In the past. A girl. Maybe... a
Magyar peasant. An Indian princess. A slave.
Buffy - I was a
slave.
Merrick - In Virginia.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) No, in Macy’s. They
paid me nothing for that Saturday job, you know.
Buffy - I don't know. It
was ... there was a big farm or something. And there was this one, where there's
a bunch of knights,
DEC: (as Buffy) And they said `Ni` to me. It was
weird.
ALL: (as Knights of Ni) We are the knights who say `Ni!`
SPIKE: (as
head Knight of Ni) We demand a … shrubbery!
and I'm a ...
Merrick - A
servant girl. A bondswoman.
DEC: Ooo, hello!
SPIKE: Movie’s getting
even more interesting.
Buffy - Oh, my God. Oh my, God. I never told
anybody about this. There's this one where there's this man. I think he's a man.
I'm fighting him ... I'm always fighting him. He's so strong.
Merrick -
Lothos.
Buffy - How do you know all this?
Merrick - Because it is your
birthright and I am a part of it. So come with me to the graveyard. And I will
show you.
Cemetery
JAMES: And I will show you cemetery?
CAT: I
think that’s a scene cut.
JAMES: Oh.
Buffy - I can't believe I'm doing
this. I can't believe I'm in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires
on a school night. Euyyu.
DEC: Euyyu?
CAT: Ever Ulcer Your Young
Unitard?
JAMES: Yeah, that’s probably right.
Merrick - Why didn't you
ever tell anybody about your dreams?
Buffy - Oh, yeah, tell everyone I'm
crazy? Beauty idea.... Ow
Merrick - Cramps?
DEC: (softly)
Eeek.
JAMES: Didn’t need to know that.
CAT: (mocking) Girly stuff! Eeyuu,
cooties!
SPIKE: That was the fifteenth glass.. now I miss Dru…
(snuffle)
Buffy - None of your business. God!
JAMES: (as Buffy)
Yeah, God, keep your omnipotent nose out of it!
Merrick - This is
it.
Merrick - Robert Berman was killed three days ago. The body was found in
the bushes by the canal. Extensive tissue damage -tearing - at the neck and
shoulders. Take these.
DEC: (singing) Take That!
JAMES: And
party!
CAT: Ooo, I loved them! Mark! Gary! Robbie!
Buffy - Wait a
minute -
Merrick - No, no, you won't have to do anything, they're just for
protection. Sit there. I just need you to watch.
SPIKE: What the Hell is
going on? *sniff*
JAMES: Buffy’s confused, and the old guy’s telling her
about… protection.
CAT: Sounds like any one of my old Sex Ed. Lessons at
school.
Buffy - All right. What do we do now?
Merrick - We wait for
Robert Berman to wake up.
Buffy - Do you have any gum?
DEC: (as Buffy)
Robert may want gum. Do you have any?
Merrick - No.
Hemery School
Parking Lot
Cassandra - (Hears a voice laughing)
JAMES: (slowly)
Oh.
CAT: Very Avant Garde.
DEC: Cassandra hears laughing. Possibly a
vampire. Cassandra dead now. Looky, a Haiku!
SPIKE: (counting on fingers)
That’s six syllables in the opening line.
DEC: No it’s not!
SPIKE: Yes it
is! Look, I’m an undead creature of the night. Killed more people than you can
imagine. If I say it’s six syllables, it’s six bloody syllables, OK?
DEC:
You’re techy when drunk.
SPIKE: Don’t make me kill you.
DEC: Pikachu,
thunder shock!
***Pikachu stands up, James dives under his chair***
SPIKE:
OK, fine.
JAMES: (gibbering) Don’t let it get me! Jessie, help!
CAT:
(hauls James back into his seat) Calm down, you weird little
bloke.
Cemetery
Merrick - Buffy!
Merrick - Behind you.
CAT:
And she doesn’t heed his warning, and is killed by a vamp. End of movie.
DEC:
(softly) Five.
SPIKE: (softly) Six.
Pike 's Garage
Apartment
CAT: D’oh! Not end of movie.
Benny - Pike ...
Pike -
Ben... Where you been, man? I tried to call you house like three times. You left
me hanging. I almost did a Hendrix!
JAMES: What? Did a … Hendrix?
CAT:
He almost released several records with guitar solos to die for.
DEC:
(softly) Five.
SPIKE: (softly) Six.
DEC: (rising tempo) Five.
SPIKE:
(louder) Six.
Benny - Come on, let me in.
Pike - This weird guy gave
me a ride home. I thought he was going to hit on me.
Benny - Come on. Invite
me in Pike.
Pike - Wait a minute. What's wrong with you, man?
Benny - I'm
fine.
Pike - You look like shit, man..
Benny - I ... feel ...
pretty.
JAMES: (singing) Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and
bright!
CAT: Never, ever sing that again.
SPIKE: And you say you’re not
gay.
DEC: (loud) Five.
SPIKE: (yelling) Six!
***Pikachu yells, and
shocks them both. James dives under the seat again***
DEC/SPIKE:
Oww!
PIKACHU: (folding stubby arms) Pika.
CAT: You tell ‘em.
JAMES:
(whimpers)
Pike - You on something?
SPIKE: The bathroom
floor.
Benny - No. (laughs) Let me in, Pike - ! I'm hungry!
Pike - Go
home, Ben.
Benny - I'm hungry.
Pike - You're floating! Come on man, get
away from here.
Benny - I'm hungry! I'm HUNGRY! I'M HUNGRY!
DEC: (as
Benny) I’m from Hungary, dammit, why can’t you accept that?
CAT: (to Spike)
Feel all better now? Forgot about her?
SPIKE: (sniffing) A bit.
CAT: Let’s
get you an ice cream, or black coffee, at least. Before you take on Jessie in
the final round of the drinking contest, that is.
JAMES/DEC: Ice
cream?
CAT: (fiercely) Not you!
JAMES/DEC: Aww.
PIKACHU:
Pika!
***All get up to leave, Spike still sniffling, followed by Cat,
dragging James and Dec out by their collars. Pikachu is hitching a ride on her
shoulder.***
Next time: the big ol’ drinking contest finale, who will
win? Will it be Jessie? Will it be Spike? Will Spike ever stop crying? Will
James stand up to Jessie, and stop being such a girly girly bloke? Will I ever
put Spike back in character? Find out next time!
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