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Title: Buffy Movie MST3K part four
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Sick of me yet? Heheh. This one may be a little shorter than the
others, but I do have schoolwork, you know? I will see this through to the end
of the movie, dammit, and then I want to do fanfic, so please god, either mail
(dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk) or PM me with permission. Feedback goes through mail,
though, not PM. I’m going to go a bit weird on the opening scene, I’ll warn you
in advance. I’m just aimlessly typing, I have no idea of a plotline. If you
remember where we last left off, Jessie and Spike were the last two contestants
in the drinking showdown.
Jessie had tricked Spike into going into the
theatre. Normally, he’d be pissed, but he’s so drunk, he started wailing over
Drusilla. He’s now out of the theatre, a little more sober, and ready to
battle.
Spike swaggered towards Jessie. "Alright, love, let’s get to
it."
Jessie, never leaving his stare, poured out twelve shot glasses of some
unknown liquor.
"First one to drink their six wins." Jessie grinned with
confidence. "Loser goes to watch the crappy vampire movie."
"We’re on." he
growled, putting his vamp face on.
Both sat on either side of the table,
still staring at each other.
Cat turned to Ant. "This is why we never had
guests over before now." she whispered.
Dec and Pikachu were a little more
pepped up about it. "Go Jessie!" he howled. "Pika pi!" agreed the little
Pokémon, waving a tiny flag with a little red `R` on it.
"How can you support
that… Team Rocket scum?" yelled Ash, indignantly.
"She’s hot." was his reply.
"Goooo Jessie!" Pikachu nodded. That seemed about right. Ash pulled a face, and
left the room. Maybe his Charizard would listen to him.
James took up the job
of referee, Meowth the commentator.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, you may start
your drinking!" yelled Meowth.
Both Spike and Jessie grabbed their first
glasses, and gulped them down. The second ones disappeared just as
quickly.
"Look at dem go!" cried the cat. "I wouldn’t have thought it
possible!" James had a hand over his eyes, and was whimpering.
"Jessie, watch
your stomach! Last time you did this, you threw up on my shirt!"
In between
gulps, Jessie growled at him.
Both were now on the last glass, reaching for
it at the same time. The spectators leaned in closer, the tension mounting…
which was broken by Giovanni appearing on screen with a loud klaxon noise. Both
Jessie and Spike spat out the alcohol in surprise.
"Aggh! Don’t you ever warn
us!" cried Jessie hoarsely.
"We were doing something important!" croaked
Spike. "Bleeding hell, what was that stuff?"
"Either paint thinner, or ultra
strong Yeltsin vodka, the stuff I was saving for a special occasion." Giovanni
replied.
"What kind of occasion? Mass suicide?" screamed Jessie, who was
secretly relieved to have finished.
Giovanni changed the subject quickly.
"Back to your movie. Who’s going in?"
Jessie folded her arms. "Well," she
said, her nose in the air, "we would know, but you interrupted the decider, so I
guess it’ll have to be…"
"You!" said Spike triumphantly. While Jessie was
talking, he had poured out a new glass and finished it.
"WHAT? James, you’re
the referee, do something!"
She was able to pick up a word or two through his
worried mumbling. "Erm… it was within the rules…he finished first…you were
distracted…"
"Fine! If I’m going down, you’re going with me!" she stated
firmly. Grabbing James by the collar, she strode into the theatre, amid many
smirks from Spike.
"I’ll go too. I ain’t been in yet." said Meowth, hopping
down from the table to follow them.
Ant trailed after Meowth. "Why you?"
asked Cat.
"Dec’s right: Jessie’s hot."
He ran the last few metres to
avoid the bottle that Cat directed at his head.
***All enter, Jessie,
still holding James’ collar, first, then Meowth, then Ant.***
Outside Buffy
's House [Merrick's Car]
MEOWTH: I’d be a lot more worried if Merrick’s
car was inside da house.
Merrick - Now, Buffy, you go to school tomorrow.
Try to act normal.
ANT: (As Merrick) No cannibalism today,
m‘kay?
Don't let anyone know what's happening. This is important. When
the vampires find out who you are ... you won't be hunting them anymore. You
understand? They mustn't know your name.
Buffy - All right.
Merrick - Meet
me at this address tomorrow after school.
Buffy - I have cheerleading
practice, okay?
Merrick - You're going to have to skip it.
Buffy - They
can't come in, right? Unless you invite them. Is that true?
Merrick - It's
true.
Buffy - Good.
Buffy 's House
JAMES: Shh, let’s see what
Buffy’s house has to say.
Buffy's Mother - Do you know what time it
is?
JESSIE: …when the big hand is on the twelve, and the little on the
one? C’mon, Buffy, you can do it!
Buffy - Ummmmm ... around
ten?
ANT: Five Ms.
MEOWTH: M&M&M&M&M.
JAMES: Not so
catchy as M&M. I can see why they shortened the name.
Buffy's Mother
- I knew this thing was slow.
JESSSIE: (as Mrs Summers) Damn horse, I bet
my savings on you!
Buffy's Mother - You pay a fortune for something...
Honey, come on, we're going to be late.
Buffy 's Bedroom
(Buffy tries to
clean jacket and then has dream sequence about Lothos)
JESSIE: Well, you
know how tiring jacket cleaning can be…
MEOWTH: You’re just cleaning away,
den all of a sudden, poof!
ANT: You’re gay?
MEOWTH: (with a sideways look
at him) You’re asleep, I mean.
ANT: James is gay.
MEOWTH/JESSIE:
**giggle**
JAMES: NO I’M NOT!
Lothos' Cavern
Amilyn - Wake up,
sweetie. You'll be late for school. Are we having a nightmare, Cassandra? You
show it, your heart beats to a different drummer.
JESSIE: (as Amilyn) My
heart beats to Dave Grohl, yours doesn’t. A different drummer
entirely.
Cassandra - Oh, my God. ... Who are you?
Locker
Room
Nicole - Oh, hi! Wow, you're late.
Buffy - I'm gonna
practice.
JAMES: Practice what?
ANT: Walking and talking at the same
time? She looks like the type to have trouble with that.
Nicole - Cool.
See you out there.
Buffy - Oh, God! What are you doing here? This is a naked
place.
Merrick - You were supposed meet me an hour ago.
Buffy - I told
you, I have practice.
Merrick -And I told you to skip it!
Buffy - Look, I
think there's been a big mistake here. I mean, I appreciate that there's real
vampires, and you have this big holy mission,
JESSIE: The quest for the
Holy Grail!
***All stand up and sing the Knights of the Round Table song from
Monty Python and the Holy Grail***
but, obviously somebody read their tea
leaves wrong, because I'm not your girl. I know, and, just between you and me,
you do too.
Merrick - It is true, you have missed years of
training.
Buffy - See?
Merrick - And you are undisciplined ... frivolous
...
MEOWTH: Dumb as a brick…
ANT: Ditzy…
JAMES: Useless…
JESSIE:
An idiot…
Buffy - Don't I know it.
Merrick - Quite probably the most
vacuous choice in my entire --
Buffy - Okay. I think we both get the
point.
ALL: (Cheer)
JAMES: Go Merrick!
JESSIE:He’s got the
idea!
MEOWTH: Who’s da man?
ANT: Merrick!
Merrick - Right. I guess
there's nothing more for us to say.
Buffy - You're sure? Good luck and
all.
Merrick - Oh, yes. There is ... one thing.
Buffy - What?
ANT:
(As Merrick) Pull my finger.
Buffy - You threw a knife at my
head!
JESSIE: He… did?
Merrick - It was necessary.
Buffy - But,
you threw a knife at my head!
JAMES: Apparently he did.
ALL:
(Cheer)
Merrick - And you caught it! Only the chosen one could have
caught it.
MEOWTH: Hell, she caught it.
ALL: Boooo!
Buffy -
Don't you get it? I don't want to be the chosen one! I don't want to spend the
rest of my life chasing after vampires! All I want to graduate from high school,
go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. It may not sound too exciting to
a sconehead like you,
ANT: On behalf of my nation, hey! Feelthy American
peeg!
but I think it's swell. And then you come along ... and ... and
then I'm a member of the hairy mole club, so you throw things at me!
Merrick
- But, it was necessary.
Buffy - Lastt night, you knew I was sitting on a
fresh grave, didn't you?
Merrick - Yes, because I had to make you aware of
the implications --
Buffy - Wow ....
Buffy - I never hit anybody
before.
JAMES: Did you? We can’t tell!
MEOWTH: Dis is getting more and
more frustratin’.
Merrick - Really? Well, you did it perfectly.
Buffy
- I didn't even break a nail.
JESSSIE: Your nose, yes. My nail,
no.
Merrick's
(Buffy during various training exercises)
ANT:
She’s a train now?
JESSIE: The Little Buffy That Could.
MEOWTH: And most
likely would.
Hemery High School
(various scenes)
JAMES:
Of…?
ANT: Terror and massacre as Seth Green fans run amok, having found out
about Seth being cut from the film.
MEOWTH: Wow, you just broke a
wall.
JESSIE: That’s dimension crossing, dammit!
JAMES: You’re just lucky
Spike isn’t here, that would have been ultra-confusing.
Merrick's
(more training scenes)
MEOWTH: Precise, ain’t
it?
Merrick - The heart, remember?
Buffy - So, when do I meet this
guy, Lothos?
Merrick -I don't know. When he comes to you in your dreams, what
does her do you? How does he make you feel?
Buffy - I don't know. He scares
me.
JESSIE: (as Buffy) Wait, those are two separate ideas…
ANT: (as
Buffy) I don’t like rice. Yes I do!
School Office
Gary Murray - Well,
I think we can safely say that there is something's going on with you, Buffy.
Now, there's nothing to be nervous about; you're not in any kind of trouble.
Don't think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. Think of me as Gary Murray,
party guy! Happening dude who can talk to the young.
JAMES: He’s hip
with the funky youth of today!
So, tell me. It's drugs, isn't it?
Gary
Murray - Hey, I know where you're coming from. Believe me, I've had my drug
experiences. Oh, yes, I did it a lot. Well, some acid in the sixties. Yeah,
well, I was at Doobie Brothers concert. And I could see the music flowing in,
flowing into me, bright red. I felt like a big toaster.
MEOWTH: Talkie
Toaster from Red Dwarf!
ANT: You get that in Japan?
JESSIE: Please, God,
never let that thing up here.
JAMES: (as Talkie Toaster) Would you like some
bread? Muffins? No? Then how about a pancake?
And I thought, maybe I was
a big toaster in a raw molecule sense. You know, my friend Melissa's head looked
like a big party balloon. That, that, ho ho, scared me. Then I started to freak
out.
JESSIE: What, that was a scene?
ANT: Was he even talking to
anybody, or was he back on the old LSD again?
JAMES: Leave him alone! He is
down with the krazy kids of today.
Garage
Pike - You said you'd have
the part by two o'clock, Christ, it's almost dark!
Zeph - What nasty bug
crawled up your bungus, and where are you going?
MEOWTH: Bungus…
ANT:
They’re Beavis and Butthead!
JAMES: No, that was `Bung`, there’s a distinct
difference.
JESSIE: Nice to know you remember the important things,
James.
Pike - I'm leaving, man. I'm bailing town. This place has gotten
way too hairy.
ANT: (as Beavis as Cornholio) I am Cornholio!
JAMES:
(as Beavis as Cornholio) I need picatta for my bunghole!
Zeph - Where the
hell am I gonna find another mechanic stupid enough to work for my
money?
Pike - Have you seen Benny lately?
Zeph - No. Hey! What, you want
me to give him a message?
Pike - You should think about leaving, too, man.
Sell this place ... There's something going on here. I don't know what.
Something real weird.
Zeph - Hey. What do you want me to do if I see
Benny?
Pike - Run.
JESSIE: (yelling) The British are coming! The
British are coming!
***Evil glare from Ant***
JESSIE: What? I didn’t mean
it! I’m not even American, I’m Japanese.
Alley
Buffy - Nice night for
a walk.
MEOWTH: (as Buffy) Isn’t dat right, Harvey?
ANT: (as Buffy)
He’s my invisible bunny friend.
Buffy - I'm cold. It's dark.
Buffy -
'Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings ...' Boy, I'm helpless.
Buffy -
God.
JAMES: (As God) Yes, Buffy?
Buffy - Hello ...
Buffy -
Toaster-caked him!
MEOWTH: O…K.
JESSIE: This is like one of those
surreal chat rooms you get, where people just yell `Velveta` at you for no
reason.
JAMES: I was asked to `Cheese Dance` in a chat room before. It was
kinda freaky. Yet fun.
Merrick's
Buffy - It was a trap, get it? I led
him there.
Merrick - It was a blind alley, get it?
ANT: It was a
surreal scene, get it?
MEOWTH: I want out of dis theatre, get it?
JAMES:
I’m having suicidal thoughts, get it?
JESSIE: I’m having homicidal thoughts,
get it?
If there had been anymore of them you would be dead by now. Don't
forget the cardinal rule, one vampire is a lot easier to kill than
ten.
JESSIE: Gee, really? I’ll have to remember that.
***Takes out a
pencil and notebook***
`One bad thing is better than ten bad things.` Got
it.
Buffy - Does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?
Merrick - You
felt a little sick, didn't you? The cramps. You had the cramps?
Buffy - Nice
conversationalist! Yeah, I felt 'em a little, but I'm not due for another couple
of weeks since you're so hot on the subject.
Merrick - Of course, not. It's a
natural reaction, on the part of the Slayer, a reaction to their unnaturalness.
And, you're going to be able to use that to track them.
Buffy - My secret
weapon is PMS?!
Merrick - It's not a weapon. It's an alert
system.
MEOWTH: We should get an alert system that involves cute blonde
girls.
JESSIE: I’m not cute enough for you?
***She pulls out her
bazooka***
MEOWTH: You’re plenty cute! Just please put that
away!
Buffy - Well, aren't we kung fu. I don't see you out there killing
these vampires
Merrick - Oh, I play my part.
ANT: Now that’s got to be
a euphemism.
JAMES: Since when did you field the pervert jokes?
ANT: Since
Dec was too pissed to come in here.
Buffy - You can play your part all
you want, but it's my neck on the block. I'm out there risking my life. I'm
risking my life and you're not doing anything.
Merrick - I train girls to be
slayers. I have done so for a hundred lives, and I shall continue to do so. I am
born each time with the knowledge that my purpose is to prepare the Chosen one
for her battle. I am not the Slayer, and I must not interfere, even if I want
to, even if I think this time the girl is truly exceptional.
Buffy - So, what
do you do? Do you keep on living the same old life over and over?
MEOWTH:
And over and over and over and over?
JESSIE: Shut it. (hits him with a paper
fan)
Merrick - Yes ... yes. Until...
JAMES: (as Merrick) Something
better than sliced bread is invented.
Buffy - Until what? There are no
more vampires? Then what?
Merrick - Then, maybe, I'll go to
Heaven.
ANT: So, hang on, this guy is all of the Watchers? So is Giles
one of his incarnations? Wesley too?
MEOWTH: Don’t think about it, it’ll
hurt.
Buffy - Why don't you just get a job?
ALL: (Singing to The
Offspring) Na, na, why don’t you get a job…
Merrick - A job. I would have
made a wonderful bootmaker.
Buffy - That's so dull. I'm going to be a
buyer.
Merrick - Of what?
Buffy - I don't know. Just a job I heard of.
Sounds pretty cool. Buying, buyer, to buy.
Merrick - We should go to
work.
JESSIE: Boss at Burger Emperor’ll be wondering where we’re at.
Buffy - Yeah, quit before anyone has any fun. Merrick, I'm not going to
croak that easily. I have something the other girls don't have.
Merrick -
What?
ANT: Well, there’s my…
JESSIE: (covering his mouth)
ANT:
(muffled) Mmm, mmm.
Buffy - Well ... there's my keen fashion sense, for
one.
JESSIE: (to Ant) See, that’s what she meant. Not what you
thought.
JAMES: Maybe you should let go of him, Jess, he’s turning
blue…
JESSIE: Oh yeah. (lets go)
ANT: (gasps for air) That’s the second
time I’ve almost suffocated in here. Not a good track record.
Merrick -
Vampires of the world, beware.
Buffy - Merrick. You made a joke. Are you
okay, I mean, do you want to lie down? I know it hurts the first
time.
ANT: You know what else hurts for the first time?
JESSIE: (grabs
him again)
***James hops out of the theatre, followed by Meowth, followed by
Jessie dragging Ant with her hand over his mouth***
Will Jessie get
revenge on Spike? Will the movie get worse? Will the barriers between dimensions
survive another beating by me? Will James come out of the closet? Will-derbeast?
Find out next time I can be bothered writing.
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