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Title: Buffy Movie MST3K part five
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Yup. Again. A-hem. I’ll finish soon. I don’t know how much is left of
this damn thing, but I’ll see it to the end. Quality MST3K service, whatever the
weather.
Any notes? Ah, yes. I’m adding in a new character, possibly the
last. Or maybe not. ^_~ I’ll see how it goes. I just wanted an incarnation of
Seth Green there, really. So, enter, Scott Evil… (This is just getting goofier,
huh?) He’ll be in the theatre today, with Spike, whom I like to annoy and
confuse, as well as James and Cat. And Pikachu, who Spike is allergic
to.
"Food!" Dec said suddenly.
"Uh?" Spike looked up from his game of
cards. He was busy cheating James out of his last few Yen.
"Food. We haven’t
eaten in ages!"
"Idiot!" hissed Cat. "You’re not supposed to point that out!
If you don’t mention it, it never happens. Like how Mike or Joel never ate, or
slept or anything."
On cue, the whole crew doubled over, and
moaned.
"Hell, I’m starving…" groaned Ant. Jessie promptly hit Declan with
her paper fan.
"What do we eat? Do we even have a kitchen? Who can cook?"
panicked Meowth, who was silenced as Jessie’s paper fan struck again.
"Hmm.
The hysterical cat has a point." she mused.
"How about we eat Ash?" said Cat,
pointing to the grumpy pre-teen, who had taken up permanent residence in the
corner with a Gameboy.
"I could do that for you." Spike replied, watching Ash
run out of the room quickly. He followed the annoying lad, a nasty grin on his
vamped-out face. Cat folowed, yelling something about headaches.
"Dibs on his
Charziard!" called Ant.
"Only if I can have the Squirtle." replied Dec, who
had lost his minor obsession with Ash. Turned out he only liked him for his
Pikachu.
Jessie, as ever, was the one to take action. Pressing a button on
the control panel, she tapped her foot angerily until Giovanni’s face appeared
on the screen, along with that of his Persian, a large cat-type Pokémon. "What?"
he snapped. Jessie frowned at him. "Do we eat, or do we starve?" she
enquired.
"Hhhh… which idiot mentioned food?"
The crew, minus Spike, Ash
and Cat, pointed at Declan, who gulped, and gave a meek little wave.
"Wasn’t
me for once." stated James proudly.
"Fine, then. Order away." Giovanni sighed
exasperated, as if they were starving just to annoy him. He sighed again as the
assembled group chattered all at once.
"Ramen noodles!"
"Kebabs!"
"Magikarp!"
"Anything!"
His Persian give them an incredulous look,
just for the hell of it. Suddenly, a small light flashed on Giovanni’s
console.
"What’d we do?" asked Dec.
Gio looked up sharply. "It seems that
you have lost a crew member." he replied, more than a hint of a razor edge on
his voice.
"Who?"
"Ash Ketchum." The reply came just as Spike and Cat
returned, looking sheepish and carrying Ash’s hat.
Ant gasped. "You
didn’t!"
"I didn’t even get a drink…." mumbled Spike. Cat grinned, more than
a little worry on her face.
"Fell out of the disposal chute. Can’t imagine
how." she said, airily. There was a small cheer from the Rocket
members.
"Fine, fine. Never did like him, anyway. But now you need a new crew
member. And do a shopping list." growled Gio.
"One with food!" James
added.
Gio turned away from the screen to punch buttons on another machine
with far too much force.
"Coo, this is just like what they do on Big
Brother!" grinned Cat.
"I think moider pusher her over da edge." remarked
Meowth to Jessie, who nodded grimly.
One chalk board later, the list was
shown to Giovanni.
"Kebabs?" he asked. Ant and Dec nodded.
"Fine. And
here’s your new crew member." he replied, as a figure fell from the ceiling. He
swore quite violently as he hit the floor. "Grab a shoulder." said Jessie to
Spike. He did so, and they hauled the person upright.
Scott swore again.
"What’s going on?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing much," lied Jessie.
"You’re just
in deep space, is all." Spike said.
"Oh. Is that it, ‘cause I thought I
should be worried?" he said with a grin.
An introduction later, Giovanni
flickered back on the screen. He was waving some shopping bags, and complaining
about how hard it was to get pig’s blood at this time of night.
"Movie time.
I want Spike, James, Cat and the new guy in there now. And that rat-thing." He
said.
"Who, Declan?" asked Ant innocently. Dec hit him.
"The
Pikachu."
"But… I’m allergic to fur! I won’t be able to see the movie for
sneezing!" complained Spike.
"We’ll get you a hanky." replied Scott, who had
been told about hot blonde girls kicking things, and was desperate to get in the
theatre. "This has gotta be better than hanging around my Dad’s top secret base
all day."
"I’m not going in there with that fuzzy yellow rat."
Cat, who
was feeling a little giddy, picked up Pikachu and chased Spike in with
him.
"Get that thing away!" he growled.
"Hey, it’s this or get killed by
Giovanni, I’m saving your life here!" she retorted. Scott followed her happily.
A weird day, but it wasn’t shaping up too badly. A blonde martial arts movie,
which he gets to watch with an English fox, and a cute redhead when he leaves.
Not bad at all.
***Spike enters, keeping away from Pikachu followed by
James, followed by Cat, who is still holding Pikachu aloft, then
Scott.***
Dark Street
Pike - Come on, come on. Don't leave me, baby. Come
on, breathe.
Pike - This is not my night.
Pike - Come on baby, this is for
the money, baby. Make me proud. Come on.
Pike - Oh, yes.
(silence.
Then: )
CAT- We’ve stumbled into a lemon!
SCOTT- Is this guy the Chef from
South Park?
SPIKE- He’s making sweet love to something, all right.
JAMES-
This is not a good start.
PIKACHU- Chuu…
SPIKE- *sneezes, glares at
Pikachu*
Amilyn - Yahhhhh......
Pike - Ohhhh......
Amilyn -
Yahhhh....
SCOTT- (posh drawl) Yah, Geoffrey wants to play squash with
mumsy down at the club.
Pike - Get off my car, dude.
Park
Amilyn -
Yahhhh...
Pike - Oops...
CAT- I did it again, ah!
JAMES- Amilyn IS
Britney Spears!
SCOTT- Name of the Devil! Name of the Devil!
*** crosses
himself hurriedly***
SPIKE- Oops, we did this scene again!
*snuffles*
Pike - Whoa.
Amilyn - (growling - laughing)
Amilyn -
Huuuhhhh....
Pike - Oh, give me a break.
Amilyn - You ruined my new
jacket. Kill him, a lot!
JAMES- (as Amilyn) On second thoughts, kill him
a little.
SCOTT- Kill him ‘til he’s dead, and dying, and that!
Buffy
- Hi.
Pike - Hi.
SCOTT- What hhappened to "Kill him a lot"?
CAT-
There are no actions in this transcript.
SPIKE- You’ll get used to
it…
Buffy - That your van?
Pike - Yeah it was, except...
Merrick -
Interesting choice.
JAMES- Of van?
SCOTT- Of summer ensemble?
*sniff*
CAT- Of ruby red slippers?
SPIKE- Of bubblegum?
JAMES- We may
never know.
Buffy - Last minute decision. Sorry about your
guitar.
CAT- (as Buffy) I ate your guitar, or something, I guess.
Sorry.
Pike - Hey, you're that weird guy!
Merrick - You've been
hurt.
Pike - Oh no, you know what they say, any one you can walk away from is
good.
SCOTT- Any WHAT?
CAT- Calm, Scott. You’ll get used to
it.
Buffy - You know this guy?
Merrick - Somewhat. He's rather fond of
passing out, just as I happen by..
SPIKE- Must be Merrick’s onion
breath.
Buffy's House
Buffy - Are you doing alright?
Pike - Oh, I'm
good. I'm good. Kind of miss my knees, though.
Buffy - You want some water or
anything? It's in here.
JAMES- The tap.
Pike - Nope, I got it
covered.
Pike - Do you do this a lot? I mean is this, like, a
hobby?
SCOTT- (as Buffy) What, the water pouring? Yeah, I’m a
pro.
SPIKE- Now that I believe.
Buffy - Not exactly.
Pike - They
were vampires, weren't they?
SPIKE- (as Buffy) No, no! They were… umm…
republicans! Yeah, that’s it. *sneezes*
SCOTT- Political barbs? Didn’t think
that was your style.
Buffy - Yeah.
Pike - God! Vampires.
Unbelievable.
CAT- (as Pike) Now leprechauns, I’d believe, but Vampires?
Nah.
Buffy - You had a car full of stuff. Were you leaving?
Pike -
Yeah, I was bailing. I have this friend, and he's really ... well, he's really a
vampire. It's not a good scene. It's a bad scene.
JAMES- We’ve not yet
seen a good scene.
And, tomorrow, on the bus I'm out of here. Why, you
okay?
Buffy - Yeah, fine.
Pike - You're sure?
Buffy - It doesn't hurt.
Okay.
SPIKE- (as Buffy) Since I didn’t do anything, it doesn’t
hurt.
Pike - Who are you?
Pike - I'm sorry. I just mean ... well, you
seemed like such a flake before. But in a good way, really! I can just keep
talking till you strike me dead or not.
CAT- Strike me dead? Why is he in
Biblespeak?
SCOTT- (as Buffy) I shall smite thee!
Buffy - Things are
kind of confusing.
SCOTT- You’re telling us!
Pike - I'll buy
that.
SPIKE- A Norwegian Blue Parrot? Yeah, I’ll buy that.
*sniffs*
CAT- Lovely plumage.
PIKACHU- Pika!
SCOTT- Pikachu’s seen
Monty Python?
JAMES- *shrugs*
SPIKE- *sneezes*
Buffy - Three weeks
ago, all I could think about was... I didn't actually think about anything. You
know what it's like when everything is suddenly ... different? Everything you
thought was crucial seems totally stupid. You find yourself babbling
incoherently to strange men....
Pike - Are you calling me a
man?
JAMES- (as Pike) I’m a *lady*, sista.
Buffy - I'm going to go
to bed. Um, you can stay in the guest room.
Pike - No. I think I'll just wait
here. Make sure the sun comes up and everything.
Buffy - Mmkay.
Pike - I
know what it's like.
CAT- (as Pike) Slaying and all. I’ve been there,
worn that mini skirt.
Lothos' Cavern
Lothos - You fool! You left the
others behind because of a little thing like this. It was their first
kill.
Amilyn - He took my arm!
SCOTT- He did?
SPIKE- Hell, we
missed a good arm-tearing? *Sneezes* Bloody…
Lothos - It was your own
fault. You reckless imbecile. The City of Angels is ours for the taking. Twelve
hundred years old, and you behave like a child.
JAMES- (as Lothos) You
big cootie head!
Amilyn - I had him in my grasp!
SCOTT- (as
Amilyn) He’s a booger. I want my blanky.
Lothos - Cheer up. You may
still. Do something about that arm. Honestly, I don't know how you made it
through the crusades. I'll be in my chamber.... having a snack.
CAT- (as
Lothos) Mmm, Twiglets.
JAMES- He’ll just be watching the game, having a
Bud.
School Hallway
Jennifer - You know, they found Cassandra's body
in the hills.
CAT- Oh.
JAMES- Gentle, that.
SCOTT- (as Jennifer)
You know, I killed your whole family and ate them. It was gross. Your Aunt
tasted like she was off, or something.
Kimberly - I know. It had been
there like a week. All icky! Awful.
Jennifer - Awful.
Kimberly - She still
had my jacket.
Nicole - The yellow leather? You didn't get that back from
her?
Jennifer - Oh, I'm so sorry.
Andy - They're having some memorial
service or something tomorrow. You going?
SPIKE- For the jacket, or
Cassandra, who is now apparently chopped liver?
Jeffery - I don't know,
Coach said I had to work on my ab's.
JAMES- (as Jeff) My ABCs. I’ll get
it soon, my teacher says I’m almost ready to move onto LMNOP.
Andy - Oh,
got to get some!
SCOTT- Some…
CAT- Grubs. He’s hungry.
Andy -
Whoa! Whoa! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't actually need any right
now.
Jeffery - What's it with you?
Buffy - Don't grab me,
okay?
JAMES- (as Buffy) Yeah, don’t grab me when I appear out of thin
air, OK?
Andy - Absolutely. I see now the error of my mistake.
Jeffery
- Hey, keep your hands off my thang. I'lll pop you one. Did he scare
you?
SPIKE- Oh, Andy was all over Jeffrey’s thang.
SCOTT- I just
thought he’d grabbed Buffy’s butt, or something.
CAT- Nope, he likes
Jeffy.
Buffy - I can take care of myself, alright.
Jeffery - So I
noticed.
Jeffery - Nice to be needed.
Andy - Let's move out!
JAMES-
The house is haunted. We’re getting out.
Jeffery - Yes!
SPIKE-
(crazily) Yes! I need more salsa! Yes! *sneezes*
CAT- I think Pikachu
affected his head.
SCOTT- Could be.
JAMES- Let’s leave before he goes too
mad.
***All stand up to leave***
Will the crew ever eat again? Will
Ash ever return? Will we find out if Spike has more problems than a Pikachu?
Will Carling? Find out next time!
That’s all for now, folks. Feedback,as
ever, dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk
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