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Title: Buffy Movie MST3K part 6
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Once more into the fray…
I’m going to see if I can finish it
all in one fell swoop now, kids. I may, or may not. Wish me luck, and send me
fanfics to do! Especially Buffy ones. blue@team-rocket.net
Cat’s
concerned face filled Giovanni’s video screen.
"What now?" he snarled. It had
turned out that these people were more trouble here then on earth.
"It’s
Spike. We think Jessie’s put something in his allergy drop-things" she stammered
as a reply. "He’s been calling Scott `Wolf-boy`, and coming on to James. He
thinks James’s a girl."
She moved away from the camera to let Giovanni
survey the scene. Spike was lying on the many times repaired sofa, with a few
crew members around him. Jessie was in the corner, sniggering into her box of
noodles.
"I’m telling you, we could work it out, Dru! Just you and me again,
no Angel. Come on, it’s worth a try!"
James backed away. "For the last time,
I’m not called Drusilla!" he yelled at the delirious vampire.
This prompted
another snort of laughter from Jessie’s direction.
Spike grabbed Scott’s arm.
"Hey, wolfy." he slurred, "If Dru won’t get back with me, can I have your
Red?"
Scott raised a pierced eyebrow, and looked to the other crew members
for support. Ant and Dec shrugged. "He’s harmless enough like this," said Dec.
"No more death threats now, at least."
"At least make him stop stretching my
sleeve…"
Meowth, in the meantime, had sidled over to Jessie. "Er, I don’t
suppose dis has anyting to do wid you and dat drinking competition you lost to
him?" he asked casually. "Only me and James have been talking, and we remember
you bringing him his allergy drops. Did you put summat in dem?"
Jessie
adopted her best `innocent` face. "Why, no, Meowth. Whatever gave you that
idea?" she asked, while putting down her snack, and slowing picking up a long
kitchen knife from its stand.
"Eep! Er, I get da idea!" he yelped, slowly
backing away.
Jessie calmly put the knife down, and went back to her
noodles.
"Well? What do we do, Mr Boss guy? It’s your fault we’re here
anyway!" continued Cat. Scott was still attempting to free his arm from Spike’s
grip, stopping to look up at Giovanni with pleading eyes. "Do something!" he
yelled, tugging at the sleeve of his favourite NOFX shirt.
Spike was busy
telling James how nice his hair looked today.
"It’s of no concern to me."
said Giovanni calmly, scratching his ever-present Persian behind the ears. The
cat Pokémon purred, and sniggered at Scott. "You’ve has a break, now you must
see the next part of the movie. Or at least read the badly-copied transcript.
Select your next victims, if you will."
James’s hand shot up.
"I will!"
Glad of anything to get him away from Spike, he dashed towards the theatre,
Jessie hot on his heels.
"Hey! You can’t leave now! He’s not told you about
your glittering emerald eyes yet!"
"That’s two." smiled Gio.
Spike stood
up, dropping the blanket that a thoughtful Cat had draped over him.
"Dru,
honey! Don’t leave me!" he said groggily, and staggered towards the entrance,
still with one hand on Scott’s arm.
"Ack! Let go! I’m not going in there
again! Noooo!" yelled the blue-haired teenager as he was draggged through the
door.
Ant, Dec and Cat were left, looking at the door.
"Well, then." said
Cat.
"That’s that." said Dec.
"OK." said Ant.
"Can’t say as it’s been
boring since we got up here, huh?"
"Guess not."
"A-hem."
"Look at the
grooves Scott dug with his heels. That carpet’ll never be the
same."
***James enters, with a backward glance, followed by Jessie, who
slaps him over the head before sitting down. Spike enters, still dragging Scott.
James leaps back a seat.***
*Scott wrestles his arm free*
SCOTT: Hell,
that *hurt*.
SPIKE: (groggy) Wha… where am I?
JAMES: Theatre.
JESSIE:
Hey, the drugs wore off.
*all give her `a look`*
JESSIE: I mean, the odd
condition not at all provoked by me wore off. Ah-hah-ha.
SCOTT: You called me
`Wolf-boy`.
JAMES: You called me Drusilla.
SPIKE: You do look a little
like Wolfy. Any spontaneous hair-growth on the full moon?
SCOTT: Um,
nope?
SPIKE: That’s OK then. (to James) And you *do* look like a girl. You
can see where I made the mistake.
JAMES: Why does everybody think I’m either
gay or a girl? *flicks wrist and pouts*
JESSIE: Can’t
imagine.
Merrick's
Buffy - I've missed three practices already. If I'm
not at that game tomorrow, everyone's gonna talk.
SCOTT: So if you’re at
the game, everyone’s gonna not talk, or is it that not the talk if you go to
the..? Oh dear, I’ve gone cross-eyed…
JAMES: That hurts to think
about…
Merrick - Another distraction. It isn't right.
Buffy - Why,
because it isn't my fate? It's not in the Book-of-All-Knowledgefulness
JESSIE: A bestseller from L. Ron Hubbard.
SPIKE: (coughing) Bullshit!
A-hem.
that I'm goon be cheerleading at the Riverview game
tomorrow?
Merrick - None of the other girls ever gave me this much
trouble.
Buffy - And where are they now? Hello?
SPIKE: (as Merrick)
That’s right Buffy, they all had photo shoots in Hello magazine. Or they may be
dead, I forget which.
School Gym
Coach - Simple. If we all work
together, together it will all work out. Are you with me? Now get out
there!
Coach - All right. Score some points.
Coach - Hey, you missed
practice again today. I think you had better sit down and think about how that
made me feel.
Grueller - Go team go. Rah.
JAMES: He turned into a
Grueller wolf-swamp-toxic monster!
JESSIE: No, actually, I think that’s like
a cheerleading call.
SCOTT: Aww.
JAMES: (cheerleading) Rah, rah,
rah!
SPIKE: You’re not gay. OK.
Buffy - Ready! Okay!
Cheerleaders -
How funky is your chicken. How funky is your chicken. How loose is your goose.
Our goose is totally loose. So come all you hog fans. So come all you hog fans.
And shake your caboose. Shake your caboose. YEAH!
(silence.
Then-)
JAMES: How funky *is* your chicken, Scott? I never asked.
SCOTT:
It’s about as loose as your goose is, James.
SPIKE: Care to shake your
caboose, Jessie?
*Jessie pulls out a paper fan,
and-*
***thawp***
SPIKE: Uhhh…
Coach - Bert, come on! You're in.
And remember, you're someone special.
Grueller - Thanks.
Coach - All
right. Assert your personhood! Actualize! Actualize!
Jeffery - I'm open.
Grueller! I'm open!
SCOTT: (as Jeff) I’m open for trading on Sundays,
Grueller!
Grueller - Bad show ... Mmmmm mmm.
JESSIE: Bad movie…
Mmmmm mmm.
SPIKE: (as Grueller) Bad show, but mmm, it tastes
*good*!
Referee - We can't have this. It's not right. Get him
out.
Coach - You're right. It's reprehensible. The points stand,
right?
Referee - Yeah.
Player - Take it dude.
Coach - You go get him
out!?
JAMES: (as coach) I forget me English.
SCOTT: Reading books
makes us talk English good.
Andy - Grueller's pretty much abandoned the
concept of zones.
JESSIE: He just won’t accept his oily
T-zone!
Basketball Player - There's a girl on the court!
SCOTT:
They think it’s all over… it is now!
SPIKE: *sniffs* A great day for English
footie.
JESSIE: Funny that it never happened again, huh?
*Spike grabs
Jessie’s paper fan, and-*
***Thwap***
JESSIE: Ow…
*Scott grabs the fan
and tosses it out of the room*
SCOTT: Immature, both of you! I’ll so tell
Giovanni.
Merrick - Buffy!
Buffy - He knows who I am!
JAMES: I
should think so. He met you several scenes ago! Hell, you’ve killed vampires
with him!
Street
Biker #1 - Hey, Eric. It must be half-time.
Biker
#2 - Hey, Babe? You want to get some real power between your legs?
Buffy -
Yeah, I do!
Biker #2 - Dike! You're a dike! I'm going to tell the
world!
Buffy - Grueller! Grueller! Come on!
Pike - Buff!
Grueller - Ha,
ha. Someone get an ouchie?
SPIKE: What in the hell is going on?
JAMES:
Is this Avant garde? I don’t get it.
JESSIE: Buffy, the one-man
interpretative show.
Buffy - Grueller, it's me. Remember me, Buffy? We
used to hang. At my birthday party, you drank all the blueberry snapps you
loosed from my Mom.
Buffy - Grueller. We're friends.
Grueller - Now, I'm a
god.
Pike - And, now, you're a coat rack.
SCOTT: That’s an odd thing
to say, even for him.
JAMES: (as Pike) And I wave my magic wand, and you’re a
toaster!
Pike - Oh. Here we go!
Pike - Ugh? Look air!
SPIKE:
Hey! Air! Yeah! What?
Pike - Hi.
Buffy - Hi. What are you doing
here?
Pike - What am I doing here? I'm saving your butt. Well, there was sort
of an exchange of butts. At least ....
JESSIE: A butt swapping
fest!
SCOTT: Tell the kids! We don’t swap Pokémon cards anymore!
JAMES:
…Disturbing mental images…
Buffy - Pike, you shouldn't have come
back.
Pike - What am I going to do? Run? Where am I going to go? Those guys
are everywhere, I want to do some damage. I'm good with damage.
Buffy - I got
to find Merrick.
Parade Float Storage Area
SPIKE: The hottest club
this side of Brisbane!
Lothos - I didn't expect to see you so
soon.
Pike - I know that guy. That guy is a bad guy. Can we go
please?
JESSIE: (as Pike) Me scared of bad man. Make he go
‘way?
Lothos - Has our time finally come? Have you ripened so fast? Come
closer.
Pike - Does anyone her have a problem with this but me?
Lothos -
Come into my eyes.
ALL: …
JESSIE: Not a lemon. Not a slash. Not a
hentai. Make a comment as if it was one of those three, and I’ll tear out your
eyes and feed them to Pikachu.
Pike - Hey. Hello? He's not carrying a
crush here, He's a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave.
Amilyn - Will
you be wagging that jaw of yours when I'm biting it off?
Pike - Are you
addressing I?
JAMES: No, I’m addressing *you*.
SCOTT: Hang on, was
what Pike said good grammar, or was what James said good grammar?
JESSIE:
Ach, don’t ask me, Amerika-jin. I speak nihongo. Baka.
SPIKE: James is a
dumbarse. So I trust Pike.
JAMES: Erm… oh. Hey!
Amilyn - Who's ready
to stop me?
Lothos - It's not you Merrick.
Lothos - You finally brought me
someone real. But, is she ready?
Merrick - Well, actually, she's quite a pain
in the ass.
Lothos - What a pity.
Pike - Your move, Merrick.
SCOTT:
Aww, I can’t understand this! What’s happening? Who’s he? Where are they?
Ack!
Pike - Come on, Lefty! Remember what happened the last time you
messed with me?
Amilyn - I remember.
SPIKE: Hell.
SCOTT: How about
we do something else?
*stands on seat and jumps up and down* Look at me! This
is fun, and non-confusing! Whee!
JESSIE: (to all except Scott) We’re losing
him.
Pike - Shit....
Merrick - She's not ready for you,
Lothos.
Lothos - Too bad. I had such high hopes. Close your eyes.
Merrick
- NO! Not this one! Lothos.
Lothos - Ashes to ashes...
JAMES: And crap
to crap.
*Jessie pulls Scott back into his seat by his collar*
Merrick
- Buffy... Look ... What have I done?Amilyn - Ohhhh ...
Lothos - Dust to
dust. We're leaving.
Amilyn - We're not eating?
Lothos - She's not
ready.
SPIKE: (As Lothos) We have to preheat the oven.
Buffy -
What do you need me to do? How can I help?
Merrick - You .. You do ...
everything wrong.
Buffy - Sorry.
Merrick - No.
Buffy - I'll take it
back.
Merrick - No. No. Do it wrong. Don't be archane.
JESSIE:
Arcanine?
SCOTT: Aww, those are cute.
JAMES: I had a
Growlithe.
Lothos, is a .. is show. Remember about the music. Listen.
When the music stops the worst is past.
SCOTT: So Lothos is a Broadway
show? And here’s me thinking that he was a vampire! Well, no wonder the script
is confusing! Hahaha! Ha. Ha. Hmm.
Buffy - Merrick? MERRICK?
Oh.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) MERRICK? Oh. Your name’s Merrick. And here I’ve
been calling you Mary.
Merrick's House
(Buffy packs up- Pike looks
on.)
SCOTT: She packed up Pike?
JESSIE: Travel size Pike, for long
journeys.
School Gym
Nicole - It really was mondo bizarro.
Kimberly
- Oh, please! When she ran onto the courrt in the middle of the game? Was that
the most out-of-it thing ever, or did I blink?
Nicole - No. Way
mental.
Jennifer - Hi, Buffy.
Buffy - Hi, guys.
Kimberly - You were
supposed to be here at three.
JAMES: Then you could have heard the
insults about you.
Buffy - Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, I forgot.
Kimberly
- Buffy, what is the sitch? You're actinng like the Thing from Another Tax
Bracket: it's too weird.
Buffy - Look, a lot's been going on. That's what I
really wanted to tell you guys about. You see ... a couple of weeks ago, I met
this guy --
Kimberly - Oh, God! You're having an affair?
SCOTT:
(confused) Don’t you need to be married to have an affair?
JESSIE: You know
who almost married here in this room?
*All look at Spike*
SPIKE: What? It
was Red’s spell! Ack!
SCOTT: (Dr Evil-ish) Riiiight. (Normal) Did I just do
that? The movie’s driving me mad…
Nicole - Cool!
Jennifer -
Frail.
JAMES: Petty.
JESSIE: Worthlesss.
SPIKE: Numerous.
SCOTT:
Greyhounds!
ALL BUT SCOTT: Wha?
SCOTT: Hehee.
Buffy - It's not
about that. This is an old guy, he's like fifty.
Kimberly/Nicole -
Eeyuu.
Buffy - Haven't you guys noticed, what's been going on here? Strange
things? Like, people disappearing, people turning up dead ...
Nicole - What
are you talking about?
Kimberly - Weird. What? You mean like hanging out with
that Poke guy?
JESSIE: Poke guy?
JAMES: She was hanging out with a
Pokémon master? Now that was seem strange, yes.
Buffy - Pike.
Nicole -
Euyuu. You're having an affair with him?
Jennifer - He doesn't look
fifty.
Buffy - Guys. Guys! I think reality checked out of here about five
minutes ago.
SPIKE: (sarcastic) Oh, really? D’ya think?
JESSIE: Try
half an hour ago.
SCOTT: I’m losing my mind…
Kimberly - Oh, thank you
very much.
Nicole - Like you've got a grip.
Jennifer - You're so out of
it. You've blown off cheerleading, you've blown off the dance
committee...
Buffy - Excuse me for having something important to
do.
Nicole - This isn't important?
Kimberly - This happens to be the
dance.
Buffy - Right. It's a dance. It's a stupid dance with a bunch of
stupid kids that I see every stupid day.
Nicole - So, like now we're like
stupid?
JAMES: Well, yeah. To put it blunt.
SPIKE: And when James
calls you stupid…
SCOTT: …You know it’s about time to kill yourself for the
good of humanity.
Kimberly - You know, Buffy, this isn't just any dance.
It happens to be the last dance of our last year.
Nicole - Except the summer
formal.
Kimberly - Right.
Jennifer - Or the totally formally.
Kimberly
- Oh, yeah.
Nicole - And the Senior PProm.
SCOTT: All of those words
separately make sense, just not in the way they were put together
then.
Kimberly - Okay! Look, Buffy, if you want to play house with the
unwashed masses, that's fine. But, personally, I think a little prioritizing is
necessary here.
JESSIE: Is that even a word?
ALL: (shrug)
Buffy
- What language are you speaking?
JESSIE: I told you already.
Nihongo.
Kimberly - Get out of my facial.
SPIKE: (as Kim) Yeah,
get out of my Oil of Olay cream.
SCOTT: Aww, little Buffy’s always playing in
the facial. She’s so sweet.
Nicole - Well, I guess you got what you came
for.
Nicole - Later for it.
Buffy - Jen --
Street Scene
Pike - Buff!
Hey, Buffy, I've been looking all over for you.
Buffy - I'm going shopping.
Don't try to stop me.
JAMES: (as Buffy) I’ll do it! I’ll …
shop!
JESSIE: (as Pike) Nooo! Don’t do it, Buffy! Think of the
children!
Pike - Cool. I need some allen wrenches. What do you
need?
Buffy - A dress.
Pike - What for?
SPIKE: (as Buffy) For
wearing.
Buffy - To wear.
SPIKE: Aw, she copied me!
Pike -
For what?
Buffy - I'm going to the Senior Dance.
Pike - Second word ...
sounds like 'dance.'
SCOTT: Yeah, but it was actually `Pants.` She’s
going to the Senior Pants without you, Pike. I never went to the Senior
Pants.
JAMES: Is he… all there?
JESSIE: I think the script’s driving him
mad.
SPIKE: Was I like that before?
JAMES: No, you just asked for more
salsa. Then you passed out. No jumping or talking about pants.
Buffy -
I'm going to the dance.
Pike - What for?
Buffy - In order to dance and to
drink punch and to be with my friends. Comprende?
Pike - I can't believe
you're saying that. Here the world's under attack by the legions of the undead,
and you're going to a mixer?
SPIKE: The cocktail mixer?
JESSIE: Will
Tom Cruise be there? Because that would be nice…
Buffy - It's not a
mixer. It's the senior dance. It's important. You wouldn't understand.
Pike -
No. I wouldn't understand. I mean, I thought you wanted to kill
vampires.
Buffy - I don't want to kill anybody, okay, and I don't want to
talk about this anymore.
Pike - What about Merrick?
Buffy - Merrick's
dead!
SCOTT: He…is?
JESSIE: But I liked Merrick! He threw knifes at
her head! Granted, he missed, but he tried!
JAMES: Aww, poor
Merrick!
Pike - Cheap shot.
Buffy - He's dead because of me. Because I
couldn't lift a hand against Lothos.
Pike - Life's a bitch, I'll give you
that. Look, Buffy, you're the guy, the chosen guy.
SCOTT: We really
missed something if Buffy’s a guy.
SPIKE: She’s a guy? I kissed that
slayer!
*Spike spits over the side of his chair*
JESSIE: How very `Crying
Game`.
Buffy - I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.
Pike -
I should have known.
Buffy - Leave me alone, all right?
Pike - Benny was
right. You're all exactly the same.
Pike - I'm not disappointed. I'm just
angry.
Benny - Buffy?
JESSIE: He’s still around? I though he was dead…
SCOTT: Aren’t they saying anything, or is he hidden? Augh, stupid
action-less script! I can’t take this any more!
Lothos' Cavern
Amilyn
- Buffy!
Lothos - Lay out my suit! Wee will be attending the dance.
Amilyn
- Dance? Master, what are we waiting forr? The Slayer is unmasked, let's finish
it.
Lothos - We'll wait until Saturday.
Amilyn - WHY?
Lothos - Because,
I want to dance.
Amilyn - I'm yours to command.
Lothos/Amilyn [laugh
together]
JAMES: Aww, they’re such a cute couple.
SCOTT: Are they both
guys? I can’t tell…
SPIKE: Who knows? Who really cares? Switch off your brain
until the movie ends. Hey, maybe I can get the chip out of my head. Could
perform a mercy killing on you, Scott.
SCOTT: Oh please… please
do…
Pike's Garage Apartment
(Pike - sharping stakes)
JESSIE:
Well, you’re dammed if your stakes aren’t *sharped*
Various
Stores
(Buffy shopping for a dress)
Pike's Garage Apartment
(Pike
shaving with a straight razor)
Hemery School Gym
Nicole - Nice
outfit!
Kimberly - [snicker]
JAMES: Ooo, Snickers. I’m
hungry.
JESSIE: Kuso, James, you’re *always* hungry.
Nicole - This one
doesn't have a mirror at home?
Kimberly - Sssshhhh [laughs]
Buffy - Have
you seen Jeffery?
Andy - If I say 'No' are you going to hurt
me?
SCOTT: No, but I may.
Buffy - No.
Andy - No!
Buffy - Hi,
guys.
Nicole - Hi.
Buffy - Have you seen Jeffery ? The limo didn't show
up, and I thought he might be here.
Buffy - What?
Nicole /Kimberly -
[snicker]
JAMES: Still Snickers. I need food. Donuts,
anybody?
Buffy - Jeffery, there you are. Hi.
Jeffery - Buffy, what are
you doing here?
Buffy - I thought we were going to come here
together.
Jeffery - I'm here with Jenny.
Buffy - I don't get
it.
SCOTT: Me neither! Ack!
JESSIE: I’m worried about Scott.
SCOTT:
…Fruitbat!?!
JESSIE: Very worried.
*All edge away from Scott, who is
twitching slightly*
Jeffery - Come on Buffy, you know what's going on.
It's not working out. I've got to move on. I've got needs too. I told you about
this.
Buffy - No you didn't.
Jeffery - Didn't you get my message?
Buffy
- You left me a message?
Jeffery - Yoou weren't home. Like always.
Buffy -
You broke up with my machine?
SPIKE: (as Buffy) But my washing machine
*needs* you, Jeff! It’s been crying for days ever since the answer machine told
it your message!
JESSIE: Cheap shot, your deadness.
Jeffery - I'm out
of here. Jenny! Jenny, we're leaving!
Buffy - Oh, God! Thank you.
Pike - I
a ... I, a, crashed your party.
Buffy - How shallow of you.
Pike - Well,
a, I'm pretty shallow.
Buffy - Glad you came.
Pike - You seem to be having
a swell time being the queen of the cardboard jungle.
JESSIE: (quietly
singing) George, George, George of the jungle, strong as he can be…
JAMES:
(quietly joining in) Watch out for that tree…
Pike - Would I get my ass
kicked if I asked you to dance?
Buffy - Maybe.
Pike - You know, Buffy,
you're not like other girls.
Buffy - Yes I am.
SCOTT: End? End
now?
SPIKE: *looks at the signs over the door* I think we can leave for a
bit.
SCOTT: Good. *collapses and starts babbling softly and
quickly*
JESSIE: Aw, hell. Somebody get his arms.
***Jessie picks up
Scott’s feet and leads out, no easy feat, as Scott is still twitching rapidly
and babbling. James reluctantly grabs his arms and follows her. Spike follows at
his own pace, sniggering at Scott.***
Will the crew ever escape Giovanni
and the bad movies? Will Scott get over his case of trauma brought on by bad
editing? Will James and Spike ever get together? Will I eventually put anybody
back in character? Will I lay off Spike and start torturing Scott now? Will
anybody send me a Buffy fic to MSTie? Will-ma Flintstone? Find out next
time!
Well, then. As ever, fanfics and feedback accepted with open arms
and a plate of cookies. All to blue@team-rocket.net, if you please. If on
BuffyGuide, no feedback through PM, you know the rules. But you could send me
MSTing requests. I think that’s OK… *pleading eyes*
Back to the main MST3K 1/2 site
Review this story! Please?