You’d better have time on your hands…

No, really.

“And this will work, then.”

It wasn’t really a question, as anyone who spent any time near Washu began to notice a worrying pattern to her inventions. She may have been good at tinkering down in Tokyo/Space/The third place where she was from, but resources on the SoL were scanty, to say the least. Coffee machines made of toothbrushes, bimetallic strips fashioned from leftover braces of Spike (“Look, babe, all that biting tends to get things out of place, ok?”), and many other scrounged inventions littered the floor of Washus room, along with pictures of Gundam, but we won’t go into them.

“What? Yeah, it’s a guarantee!”

Cat was dubious.

“Well, yeah, so was the other teleporter.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, it teleported, sure…”

“Exactly!”

“It teleported into James’s bedroom and landed on his sofa whilst he was watching Halloween with Jessie.”

“Um…”

“Not only that, but it then teleported the sofa, Jesse and James, and itself, into the kitchen whilst Vegeta was making pancakes.”

“Yeah?”

“The whole sofa/Rockets/pancake mixup then beamed into the bathroom whilst Ant was shaving.”

“So?”

“In the nude.”

“Oh.”

“So the naked Ant, a sofa full of screaming Rockets, a large plate of pancakes and a razorblade all got transported, almost magically, into my bedroom, whilst I was on the phone.”

“Err…”

“To Giovanni.”

“So… the teleporter is a bad idea, then?”

Cat sighed.

“Broadly, yes. But what the hey, give it a go anyway… at least this time I’m not arranging our food supply… there’s a chance we won’t get ‘AaaAAAAAAAAAAaAARGH’ chicken products for the next four months…”

“Ok, now, I want you all to stand in a really tight circle, ok?”

Washu stood behind what could loosely be described as… as a camera with a whirly thing on top of it. The rest of the crew were all looking very apprehensive, but, as the law of cameras dictates, they were perfectly willing to do everything the camera-wielder commanded.

“Right, I’m gonna tell you what’ll happen to you… if this goes right-“

“Which it definitely will, yeah?”

“Um… yes. Anyway. It’ll turn you into a beam of energy, and send you down to the coordinates on earth. So, I press this switch and type in the keycode, and then we all get transported down. But we all have to be very close, so as to make sure that all of us are in the area of effect. Also-“

“So.. you press this switch and type in the code?”

“Yes, as I said…”

“Whilst standing in this closed group of people.”

“….”

“Shall I pass you the broom?”

The broom was passed over. Washu took her place in the centre of the huddle, and waved the broom vaguely in the direction of the keypad. After a few false starts, and after James got a faceful of mop (“Not the first time, either, eh Je- *smack*” “Shut up, Spike!”), she finally typed in the correct code. Apparently.

“We’re off! Roll on Hawaii!”

There was a loud “Sproing!”, a flash of orange light, and a sudden feeling of emptiness aboard the SoL. An emptiness soon broken by a loud, indignant cry of surprise, because a large crowd of people suddenly materialised in the centre of the living room.

Giovanni sighed as he watched the amber liquid fill his glass. The fact that the amber liquid was triple malt whiskey and the glass was a bucket detracted nothing from his enjoyment; on the contrary, it made him shake with alcoholic excitement even more. If such a thing was possible.

“Jenny, cancel my five-o-clock speech, please…”. He punched in a few commands on his intercom console, and sat back in his reclining office chair. Giovanni stretched, yawned, and then splashed his head into the bucket o’ whiskey.

“*sploooosh*”

A few buckets later and Giovanni was pleasantly mellow. “Pleasantly mellow” being “conversing with spoons” and “thinking that the smell of hammers is an aphrodisiac”. So used was Giovanni to alcohol induced hallucinations that he didn’t question any more as to why he GOT alcohol induced hallucinations. Perhaps the secretary was spiking his drinks. Perhaps she was sleeping with his wife. Hmm. There’s an image.

Giovanni settled back in his chair with a big grin on his face, and wished for the sleep of those with cirrhosis of not just the liver but of the tonsils as well, a man at peace with the world. It was at times like this that he wondered whether he should let those cretins off the satellite, and instead spend all his time getting smashed. Yeah. Yeah, that’d be good. He’d appoint some competent people to.. help? Yesh.. help with the… thing.. walk… RUNNING of the company… maybe thish shpoon could help me, it sheems pretty shmart… hey, theresh a.. nose? A nose.. a NOISH! Notta nose.. whads thad nose… noise, tho… whuh? What?

With a short “pyomp”, the entire crew materialised on Giovannis desk, causing him to blink in astonishment and then fall over backwards slowly.

Giovanni clutched the bag of ice to his head bad temperedly whilst glaring at the worried crewmembers.

“So… you’re back again.”

The crew stood in silence and stared at their shoes.

“This time you’ve done it. You’ve really done it.”

Silence.

“Do you know just what your little stunt has done?”

Silence.

“Not only have you managed to piss me off immensely, you have somehow managed to make me waste at least four gallons of triple malt whiskey.” Giovanni paused and pinched the brow of his nose. “(it’s ok.. it’s ok… I can get more… breathe… slooowly… breathe.. breathebreathebreathebreathe AAAAAAARGH!”)”…

The crew watched in silent bemusement as a grown man cried in front of them. They shuffled their feet for a while. After a bit, it dawned on them that he wasn’t going to stop.

“So, uh, anyone want to go back to the SoL, then?”

“Yeah…”

“Lucky I had this pocket transporter on me that’s 100% reliable, then!” beamed Washu.

“You… had WHAT?” snapped a bemused Ant.

“A transporter. It can take any group of people anywhere with 100% reliability…”

“Oh, uh, cool… reckon we could use it to go elsewhere, th-“

“And we’re off! What?”

Fyomp.

“Jesus…”

The crew had arrived back in the relative safety of the satellite, after a short and eventless journey. Phew. Luckily, the whole incident passed without… incident. Isn’t the peaceful life great?

“Last bloody time I ever let you use one of your inventions on this shi- FUCKING HELL!”

Around twenty or thirty random people were crowded into the living room staring at the crew suspiciously.

“Um.”

“Oh lordy” exclaimed Washu. “I, uh…”

“Washu. What. Have. You. Done.”

Vegeta was annoyed. Not least because his entire family was amongst the group of random people.

In fact…

Oh dear.

Oh dear oh dear.

Buffy characters, Ramna characters, Pokémon characters. Dragonball Z characters. Lots of characters. Lots of bemused characters. Lots of characters resenting the fact that they’re being called characters. Lots of char- aaaaargh! *sound of breaking glass*

“I, uh… I think we’ve caused a dimensional rip.” stammered Washu.

“What does that mean?” whimpered James.

“Basically? Anyone from anywhere could conceivably find their way onto the SoL. Which means…”

“No!”

“Anything but that!”

“Yes… we’re gonna have to double up the bedrooms…”

“You’re an idiot.”

The quibbling was interrupted by a harsh tone on the SoL intercom.

“Shit! Giovanni!”

Giovanni glared into his camera whilst ruefully rubbing his head.

“Too bloody right! And you’ve fucked me around for the last time, Sol-ers!”, he snarled.

“Giovanni! There are children present!” snapped Jesse in an ultimately futile diverting action.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Cuddly fluffy bunny YOU’VE FUCKED ME AROUND TOO MUCH! You happy? Good! Cos I’ve got a reeeeeeeeeal treat for you!”

The crewmembers began to feel uneasy.

“Yes. Yes I have. Wanna know why it’s so SPECIAL?”

“_no…”

“It’s got 18 chapters!” Giovanni spat, whilst smirking evilly.

The horror of this didn’t have time to sink in.

“You, you, you, and you, GET IN THAT THEATRE. The rest of you can enjoy a lack of heating on the satellite for a few hours!” snapped the Rocket boss, and with that, he flicked off the intercom.

There was silence. Broken by feminine sobs.

“Oh, shut up, James…”

(The three unlucky participants enter the theatre. Four, sorry. Four unlucky participants. As the camera pans round, we see that they’re Spike, Vegeta, Dec and James. James glares at the camera and flails at it because he was forgotten, then turns away sulkily. They settle in their seats)

JAMES: *whimpers softly*

DEC: Oh, come on, man, it’s not the first time we’ve angered Giovanni…I mean, we convinced him that that large bottle of whiskey was actually cold tea… he was pretty pissed after that…

SPIKE: In both senses.

VEGETA: What happened about that, out of interest? He’d never touched a drop before that day, and now he’s into an alchoholic…

(There is an uneasy silence)

VEGETA: Righty.

An untitled Digi/Poke crossover fanfic.

JESSE: Eeee, it’s gonna have me in it…

DEC: Eeee, it’s gonna have Pokémon in it…

SPIKE: Eee, we’ve got 18 chapters of it.

ALL: *shivers*

By me!  (AthEnA1999)

Disclaimer: I’ve written so many of these…

VEGETA: Untitled fics, or what?

well I don’t own digimon or Pokémon

SPIKE: Because if you did you would be quizzed by the CIA as to where the hell you got, say, a foot high yellow mouse with a propensity to electrocute people with fatal doses of electricity.

DEC: Don’t you have a Jigglypuff?

SPIKE: I gave it to James.

JAMES: Hey, it’s cute!

or whatever else comes along in here.  Unlike my other things, I haven’t written this one down in a notebook

VEGETA: There’s a whole group of things…

SPIKE: All writing ideas for fics down in notebooks…

ALL: *screaming* WE’RE DOOMED!

so just about anything can pop up along the way, including my friend and me who make cameo appearances, and we belong to ourselves.

DEC: When you expect them to write “we belong to each other”, you know the slash just has to stop.

A/N: This story is about two of my favorite things.

JAMES: Thick woolly mittens and whiskers on kittens?

  Try to guess what they are!  The idea has been in my head since October,

DEC: Some would say “percolating”, or “fermenting nicely”…

SPIKE: We on the SoL like to say “festering”.

so it might have been put on there already

VEGETA: She tried her idea on like a hat.

SPIKE: Naturally, it didn’t keep the rain out, if you get my drift.

and it

DEC: Oh, you’re talking about plot holes?

SPIKE: …

probably lost a bit of zing over the three months it’s been there.  OK, so this is my first crossover fic, (fine, so it’s not really my first, but my first OFFICIAL crossover fic.)

JAMES: It’s sanctioned by the US government.

VEGETA: So, her other ones were commie propaganda, then?

SPIKE: Hmm… it makes sense… it makes too much sense…

(The MSTers look at the camera with a quizzical expression on their faces and their chins in their hands.)

so go easy on me with the flames.

DEC: She’s very inflammable, she only needs a little to get her blazing…

JAMES: Aww, how sweet, she didn’t want us wasting too much fire on her…

  If you feel you really need to, do. And if you can think of a title, just tell me!  This is dedicated to all those fans out there who have shown sympathy for the bad guys (including my good friend Sabrina Black.  Hi Sab! ^_^)

SPIKE: She’s a bad guy?

Oh, and sorry if I spell any pokemon names wrong.  I suck at spelling cuz

VEGETA: Ah hah. Ah hah hah.

JAMES: It’s like shooting magikarp in a barrel…

DEC: It’s like shooting magikarp full stop, you mean *grins*.

I don’t watch it.  Oh, and thanks to the pokemon lovers in my family and at school

ALL: Eeeeeeeeee!

SPIKE: Argh! Me eyes! That’s not something I wanna think about, ever!

DEC: *despite himself* (as Trainer) “Yes, me and Rhydon have been trading juices for about a month now…”

JAMES: Eeeeeee, no! *flails*

who told me exactly what was going on in the series.  ONE MORE THING!  This takes place during Jhoto Journeys and in 01 in the Myotismon arc, before Kari joined them. (oops!  Spoiled a bit there! *cringes and forces a smile*)

SPIKE: Is she tasting cream, or something?

OK, *breathes.*

VEGETA: Jesus! She said all that in one breath?

JAMES: Has she got some sort of tank following her around with her lungs in?

DEC: Christ, I bet when she breathes in, forest fires go out in Canada…

  Here goes.

Chapter 1

Blast Off

  “Ash!  Ash!  Look up there!” Misty cried out, pointing to a Meowth balloon in the bright blue sky.  It was hard to miss on a cloudless day like that one.

JAMES: *smirking* It says a lot about Ash that he still needs Misty to point out the balloon for him…

  “Oh, no!  Not Team Rocket…” Ash groaned.

VEGETA: (as Ash) “Oh, fuck, we’ll just watch as they bicker and fail to do anything!”

JAMES: Hey!

  He was kind of sick of running into them all the time.  He said he needed more of a challenge.  “Pikachu can take em, right?”

DEC: This the Pokémon lovers again?

SPIKE: Declan, if you mention that again, you can go sit in the corner.

  “Pikapi,” said Pikachu from near Ash’s foot.  Peekie was ready to take those so-called creeps.

JAMES: *scornfully* “Peekie”?

VEGETA: Hehe, you got beaten by a gimp who called his rodent “peekie”?

JAMES: *wails* It’s not easy being me, ok?

  “Yeah, let’s do it,” Brock agreed.

SPIKE: At weekends, Brock translates for Chewbacca.

  “Er… who’s gonna fight them again?”

  “I think I should—“ Ash began, but was cut off by Jessie’s laughing.

JAMES: *grinning* Yeee, which bit of him? Which bit?

SPIKE: James, you’ve really improved in the bloodthirstiness. I’m proud of ya, mate.

  “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Jessie laughed from the gondola of the balloon.

VEGETA: (as Jessie) “Ahahaahaaa, just-a one cornetto!”

DEC: Jessie, the singing gondolier.

SPIKE: Sounds like some sort of gay superhero, you know.

DEC: And you’d know all about them, wouldn’t you?

SPIKE: You what?

  “I’m finally gonna steal you twerps

VEGETA: Jesse is a slaver?

JAMES: Actually, yeah… well, she’s got handcuffs, anywa- uh…

SPIKE: Suddenly, this has become a lot more interesting.

’ Pikachu!

SPIKE: Bollocks.

  But first, prepare for trouble!”

  “And make it double!”  Her partner James contributed to their usual motto.

  “To protect the world from devastation!”

  “To unite all peoples within our nation!”

  “To dencounce the evils of truth and love!”

  “To extend our reach to the stars above!”

  “Jessie!”

  “James!”

  “Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!”

  “Surrender now or prepare to fight!”

VEGETA: (to weeping James) How on earth did you say that without cracking up?

JAMES: *cries*

  “MEOWTH!”  The talking pokemon Meowth chimed in

SPIKE: If he talks, then why does he say his name every so often for no reason at all?

DEC: He thinks he’s Timmy.

.  “That’s right!”

  “WWOOOOOOOHHHHH BBBBBBUUUUUUUUHHHH FFFFFFEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT!”

JAMES: Woba Fett?

DEC: Yup. He’s the son of Boba Fett, and flies around looking for easy bounties in his ship Slave-2.

JAMES: Hey, that’s what Jesse called me for a while in the sixties… uh, I mean, nothing…

SPIKE: You know, there’s more to you two that meets the eye.

VEGETA: Or mask.

JAMES: *whimpers*

  Somehow, the annoying blue Wubberfett escaped his pokeball by himself.  Someday I wanna be like that Meowth, getting all the glory, Wubberfett thought.  Why can’t Jessie understand me as much as she understands Meowth,

DEC: Because you don’t speak literate English like the cat does, you scream “WUBBER FETT!” a lot.

JAMES: We tried enrolling him in speech therapy courses…

or Arbok, or Lickytung?

SPIKE: *laughs coarsely* Hey, wouldn’t YOU feel close to a monster with a twenty foot tongue when you’re a single woman?

  Oh yeah.  She hates me.  Oh well, at least I’m trying here…

  Jessie slapped her pokemon.  “GET BACK IN THE BALL!” she screamed.  Reluctantly, Wubberfett went back in there.

VEGETA: And there’s the sado-machoistic tendencies again.

  “We are finally gonna steal your Pikachu!” James shouted to the twerps.

DEC: Always a snappy quip, eh James?

JAMES: Oh, stop it… *flaps at Dec*

(A/N: the only part about Pokemon I like is TR.)  “And we will with our latest creation!”  He took a remote control and pushed a green button on it.  Something metallic extended out from the bottom of the gondola.  They looked like two skinny robotic arms and hands.

VEGETA: And funnily enough, they were actually robotic ar-

SPIKE: That’s just low, mate.

  “PEEEEEEEE- KACHUUUUUUUUUU!”  Pikachu knew what to do with his thundershock attack.

JAMES: Yup, to stick it up his scrawny little rodent-

DEC: Bad James!

  Unfortunately, Jessie and James had planned ahead and anticipated the shocking.  That was why the skinny robotic arms were made out of metal with rubber insulation.

DEC: Instead of being made of, say, ceramics.

SPIKE: Or wood.

  “NYAH NYAH!” Meowth taunted.  “Push it, Jimmy boy!”

JAMES: …

SPIKE: Oh dear.

JAMES: *whispering hoarsely* What… what did he call me?

  “Right.”  James pressed a blue button, and the hands grabbed Pikachu when the balloon was close enough to the ground.

  “We can’t let this happen!” Ash shouted.

VEGETA: Nobody’s told Ash that external monologue ends at three.

  He took out a pokeball.  “Chickereeta!  I choose you!”  he threw Chickereeta’s pokeball.

JAMES: Surely that’s implied.

DEC: Oh, no, some people have a tactic of yelling out the name of another monster to trick their enemies.

JAMES: ….really.

DEC: Yup.

VEGETA: How about “pikachu, go! *throws rock, scarpers*”?

  A leaf-like pokemon appeared just as the balloon was about to take off.

DEC: Hey, doesn’t the gimp have a Pidgeot?

VEGETA: Well, yeah, but you don’t seriously think he’d be stupid enough to use it, do you?
SPIKE: Yeah, Dec, who uses birds when trying to get a flying thing?

DEC: I… I…

  “Ha-ha!” Jessie laughed.  “Your lameo Chickereeta isn’t gonna hurt us!”

  “Think again!” Ash shouted.

  “Yeah!” Misty agreed.

JAMES: (as Misty) “Hyuck, hyuck, yeah, good one, Ash…”

  Brock just stared at the balloon.

DEC: (as Brock) “Guh… pretty…”

VEGETA: (as announcer) “When Rubber Fetishes Go Bad! Only on channel five!”

  Maybe he was astounded that Pikachu had been captured.  Or maybe he was just bored, or maybe he was thinking about Jenny or Joy.

JAMES: Or Jenny AND Joy…

DEC: *crosses legs*

  Or maybe— no way!  He’s hated Jessie ever since he joined the other twerps. It can’t be!

VEGETA: Agh, they must have brainwashed him.

SPIKE: (as Ash) “Jesse… you see Jesse. Now, what do you do?”

VEGETA: (as Brock) “Um… umm… drool?”

SPIKE: (as Ash) “Wrong! Pikachu, thundershock!”

JAMES: That’s pretty near what she d- dammit!

ALL EXCEPT JAMES: *grins hugely*

How long does it take to wash that hair?  I love that hair.  Someday I want to wash it, Brock thought to himself.

DEC: The next day, Jesse’s hairdresser was abducted and killed in a seemingly unmotivated attack.

SPIKE: Coincidence?

I bet with me at her side, Jessie will steal a million pokemon and then we’ll get married and live in a mansion with a million servants…

VEGETA: Um, wouldn’t their mansion be, like, the size of Belgium?

JAMES: When fantasising, think big, Vegeta, think big!

VEGETA: Heh…

JAMES: *muses* That’s what Jesse always s- umm..

he trailed off thinking about the mansion.  Yes, he secretly felt that way about Jessie.  Brock sure was desperate if he wanted Jessie…

JAMES/DEC/SPIKE: Because…?

VEGETA: *blinks*

JAMES: Uh, nothing…

DEC: Nothing at all…

SPIKE: …

  Of course, Misty liked Ash.  I love the graceful way he throws that pokeball…

SPIKE: The speedlines appearing, then? The way he, wow, pulls it over his shoulder and putts it like an oversized novelty bauble?

Yes, someday we’ll get married at that cool aquarium-like church in Cerulean City and invite everyone to the dance… Daisy, Lillie and Violet will perform their underwater acrobatics…

JAMES: Dec, you know precisely what she means, so wipe that rictus grin of your face.

DEC: *grinning madly* The images make me hurt!

Oh yes, he’ll be wearing a tux, and I’ll have a white wedding dress with a veil and tons of pearls and lace… and we’ll live together and eat together and sleep together…

DEC: Eeew, isn’t she about 12?

JAMES: And the twerp is 10… eew….

it’ll be a wonderful life.

  “Chickereeta!  Razor leaf attack NOW!”

DEC: Brock, however, wanted to make sure that Ash and Misty’s “wonderful life” would come complete with horrible facial scars.

Ash shouted, Misty hanging onto his every word.

SPIKE: Late at night, when they make camp-

DEC: *nudges James*

SPIKE: -you’ll hear those words repeated endlessly followed by a highpitched squeal. I leave you to decide what that is.

VEGETA: Squirtle and his tapes, I hope.

JAMES: Being trod on.

  “Chickoreeta!” Chickoreeta shouted.  Leaves with razor edges shot out of somewhere on his body.

JAMES: Eee, where would he keep them when he’s not using them?

SPIKE: Never mind that, why haven’t Ash and his Chikorita set up shop and driven Gilette out of business?

  The balloon got slashed, bit… by… bit until…

  The skinny robot arms malfunctioned,

JAMES: Yeah… we always put the circuitry in the skin of the balloon, don’t we?

and then they dropped Pikachu.  Ash caught him.

ALL: *swears*

 The twerps had won again.  The balloon flew off into the distance, with Jessie, James, Meowth and Wubberfett shouting

  “TEAM ROCKET’S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!”

DEC: The amount of porno fics that feature this line…

  “WOOOOOHHHH-BUHFETT!”

VEGETA: *as Jesse* James, control your outbursts!

DEC: The amount of porn- *smack* ow!

JAMES: *rubbing hand* Don’t be nasty!

  What was left of the balloon— and the trio of thieves— crashed down into a tree.  Mondo, as if he knew exactly what was going on,

SPIKE: Heh, even the characters are confused as to what the hell is going on..

pulled up to Jessie, James and Meowth in his red jeep.

VEGETA: (as Mondo) “Hi! I’m not gay!”

  “Trouble with the twerps again?” he asked, blushing.

JAMES: He’s the same colour as his jeep now… this is distressing.

  “You look like you need help, don’t you, Jessie?”

JAMES: *ahem*

  “Hey, what about us?” James complained.

JAMES: Eee, I beat myself to it…

VEGETA: Yup, you certainly beat yourself near Jesse alright…

  “We are in greater need of help here!”

  “Yeah!” Meowth agreed.  “What, you like Jessie more than us because she’s a girl?”

ALL: …

VEGETA: No, actually, he prefers cats. Is that better?

(Actually, not only Mondo had a crush on Jess, but so did James and Butch from the other branch of Team Rocket.  They just wouldn’t admit it.)

JAMES: Lies! Libel! Slander!

SPIKE: It’s true, isn’t it.

JAMES: Oh yeah.

  “Well I better get you back to the headquarters and fast,” said Mondo.  He took a ladder and put it up against the tree.  Jessie, James and Meowth climbed down and into the jeep.  James sat up front with Mondo.  Meowth rode in the trunk.

DEC: And Jesse was towed along behind by her hair.

  “Why me?” he kept repeating to himself.  “This sucks big time…”

SPIKE: (as Jesse) “You think YOU have it bad?”

  Clouds started gathering in the sky as a strange warp appeared as well.

VEGETA: Feh, band-wagon-jumper.

SPIKE: Ooh, so all the *cool* clouds are there, are they? So you just run off with them, not thinking of all the other warps… fine, then!

  It looked quite digital, as did all the shapes that emerged from it.

DEC: Nintendo’s new marketing strategy!

JAMES: A new breed of Anoon, that takes after numbers!

VEGETA: Gotta catch em all! Millions of new Pokémon for you to catch!

SPIKE: (as Schoolkid #1) “Hey, I got a 154465! Trade you for the 4556690 you have?”

  The warp closed.  How weird.  That kind of thing never happened in the pokemon world.  No, never.

JAMES: It just did.

  “I don’t know how to say this,” said Mondo as he drove through the cloudy weather,

VEGETA: And into the BBC studios, where the forecast was taking place.

“but you’re gonna get a real talking-to from the boss.  Is seems those twerps defeated you one too many times, and… well… you might get kicked out.”

  “Kicked out?” asked James, sounding all choked-up.  “You mean?…”

SPIKE: “’Yes’, Mondo nodded. ‘Kicked out’.”

  “Yes,” replied Mondo.  “I might never get to see Je-“

DEC: -remy Fisher ever again!

  His reply was interrupted by a giant red bug appearing from the sky.

JAMES: Followed by a giant hand wielding a fly swatter.

  Kuwagamon.

VEGETA: Jue-wa-waaa?

SPIKE: Quibble.

DEC: *grinning* Its fun to speak “idiot”!

  What the hell was a Kuwagamon doing in the pokemon world, anyway?  No one, not even Kuwagamon, knew.  All Jessie, James and Mondo knew was that was just downright WEIRD.

SPIKE: Instead of something normal, like having no third dimension.

VEGETA/SPIKE/DEC: Hey!

SPIKE: *sighs* Dec, you aren’t 2D..

DEC: Am too! *pouts*

  Kuwagamon screeched as rain started to pour down.

VEGETA: (as Kuwagamon) “Yeeee, wetness!”

  Then it started to attack the jeep.

  “HELP!” Mondo cried, letting go of the wheel.  “James, do something!”

DEC: Of all the people to ask.

JAMES: Hey!

DEC: Well, what would you do when a huge red insect attempts to eat you jeep?

JAMES: Trap it in a large tunnel full of smoke, of course!

SPIKE: That would be the Deadly Mantis.

  “Uh… uh… Victoreebell, go!”

  Victoreebell screeched back, then tried to eat James’s head.  Pathetic.

VEGETA: -said “Victoreebell”, and went in search of tastier heads.

SPIKE: Just think, James, your unappetising hairspray may have saved your life.

JAMES: Eee, thank you.. *primps*.

  “Weezing, go!”  James tried again.  Weezing came out

DEC: *nudges Spike, whispers something*

SPIKE: NO, Dec, Weezing is NOT setting an example.

and flew towards Victoreebell.  “Weezing, sludge attack now!”

  “WEEZING!”  Sludge poured out of the three Weezing heads’ mouths.

VEGETA: (as Weezing) “Agh, agh, sorry people… eeww, phlegm… *hack, cough*”

  It hit Kuwagamon and made him hit the ground.

  James, not seeing what was going on, tried to get Weezing to attack again.  “Weezing, smoke screen now!”

SPIKE: Uh, he can’t see, so he uses a move that means you can’t see.

JAMES: Yes?

  Weezing obeyed, filling the entire area with opaque smog.  Mondo couldn’t see.

DEC: As he’d forgotten his infra red specs, tsk tsk…

  “Hey what’s the idea, dude?  I can’t see!”

VEGETA: (as Weezing) “Gnarly, homie, jus’ chill!”

  Mondo gripped the steering wheel of his jeep and tried to drive around the Kuwagamon.  Fortunately, the Kuwagamon had disintigrated.

JAMES: Oh, that’s nice of it.

SPIKE: Whenever there’s gonna be a road accident in Kuwagamonland, the people involved just disintergrate before anything happens…

VEGETA: They’re very safety conscious *nods*.

 Unfortunately, there was mud.  Tons of it.  “YAAAAAAH!”

DEC: Help! The authors freaking out!

  Mud splattered everywhere as Weezing and Victoreebell were called back into their pokeballs

JAMES: As it takes a special kind of person to enjoy mudfights between Weezings and Victreebells… *glares at Dec*

.  Mud was all over everything now, especially the upholstery.  “My upholstery!  The boss will have my head on a platter for this!”

VEGETA: …because?

SPIKE: Because he got mud on his own jeep, apparently.

  Afraid of the consequences, Mondo drove on.

DEC: Instead of getting a car wash, or something.

  Meanwhile, another team of good guys who weren’t as twerpy as Ash and his friends

SPIKE: You do realise that could mean the fucking Power Rangers, don’t you?

were conversing in the forest in pokemon world.  They were the 01 Digi-destined,

VEGETA: (as Author) “Whoops, lapsed into binary there for a second, heh, sorry..”

gone through the wrong portal.  Instead of the real world, the gate transported them to the pokemon world.  The gate didn’t just transport them, either.

SPIKE: Nope, it served an in-flight meal, too.

JAMES: With complimentary drinks!

ALL: *beaming* Only on DigiGate Airlines!

  It transported all those rotten nasty digis that went through as well.

  “What happened?” asked Tai.

  “I have no idea,” Sora replied.  “This could be the real world.  I saw humans there, but they looked different.”

JAMES: (as Sora) “Sort of… unhuman…”

  (A/N: Do you think they know it’s a Digimon/Pokemon crossover?)

DEC: Yes. I’m sure they do. Now go back to sleep, dear.

  Izzy typed on his computer, which produced a map of Jhoto.  “We’re in a place known as Jhoto,” he told his fellow humans.

VEGETA: Whilst decidedly turning his back on the Digimon.

SPIKE: (as Interchangeable Extra) “Hey! Hey! Izzy! Lemme see!”

JAMES: (as Izzy) “Did someone speak?”

  “I’ve heard a question about this place.  Apparently it broke off of Japan sometime around 10,000 B.C. and is known for its inhabitants known as pokemon.”

DEC: How did it break off if it’s attached to the mainland on the maps of the Pokémon games?

JAMES: More importantly, were the Pokémon a result of the inbreeding occuring on this very small island?

ALL: *shudders*

  Izzy’s digi Tentomon flew around the forest.  “Hey everyone!” he called out.  “I see a city at the edge of here, and there’s a bunch of… well… places for monsters like us to stay!”

VEGETA: (as Tentamon) “What does, uh, ‘yoo-than-asia clinic” mean?”

  “Well what are we waiting for?” asked Tai.  “Let’s go and see what there is here!”

  The digi-destined ran off to get some decent food before they ran into the twerps.

SPIKE: (as Interchangeable DigiDestined) “Ah, crap! The twerps! Quickly! To the restaurant!”

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Ash screamed.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Tai screamed back.

DEC: (as David Attenbourogh) “And… these… fascinating creatures… know as… the twerps… normally communicate with… a series of yells and shrieks… and stupid names…”

  “Pi-ka?” Pikachu wondered curiously.  “Pikapi pikachu?”

VEGETA: Why yes, Pikachu, hair in places like that IS normal!

  “Hi,” said Agumon to Pikachu.  “My name is Agumon.  What’s yours?”

  “Pikachu, pika pi chu!”

DEC: Pik… pik… *shakes*

SPIKE: Stop him! He’s starting off on the pokérap again!

  “So your name is Pikachu?”

JAMES: (as pikachu) “Nope, it’s Clifford, just messin’ with your mind…”

  “Pikapi.”

DEC: pikapikapikapika…

SPIKE: Shut up!

DEC: Chuuuuuuuu! *sparks*

(everyone recoils from him)

VEGETA: Crikey! How does he do that?

DEC: *growling* Piiiikkaaa…

  “So what kind of digimon are you?”

  “Pika?  Pika pichu?  Pikapikachu.  Pikachu!  Chu!”

JAMES: (as Pikachu) *holds up translator* “Do you not get it, lizardboy? I’m a dame, and you’re a feller…”

  “What?”

  “He’s a pokemon, Agumon,” Izzy reminded Agumon.  “They can only say their own names.”

VEGETA: Like Timmy, then.

SPIKE: *incredulous* You watch South Park?

VEGETA: And what’s wrong with that?

JAMES: Who’s your favourite character, then?

VEGETA: Sparky, natch…

JAMES: *shifting slightly away* The dog… righty…

  “So what brings you here to Jhoto?” asked Misty.  “And how do you get your pokemon to talk like that?”

DEC: *shakes self* Chu!

JAMES: I think he said “electroshock therapy”…

  “We’re not pokemon,” said Palmon.  “We’re digimon!”

  “Oh… riiiight…” Ash didn’t seem to care, as he was staring at Sora.  He was starting to like her…

VEGETA: Ya know, after having no contact with her or even seeing her before…

SPIKE: Not to mention the fact that they’re drawn differently.

  Mimi was starting to like Ash

DEC: Piiiika!

JAMES: Um… “despite having been told that he doesn’t look human”, I think…

VEGETA: Nah, I reckon it was “get me out of here before I begin gnawing my own teeth…”

SPIKE: Christ… Vegeta, hit ‘im…

DEC: Ch- ow! Hey!

ALL: Phew.

, Joe was starting to like Misty… and nobody was starting to like poor Brock.

SPIKE: Brock is sixteen. These people are about twelve. Shouldn’t he be feeling glad?

JAMES: (as Chris Morris) “You’re a nonce… you’re a small bean regarder… you’re a shaven gooseberry hunter…”

  “Well, welcome to Jhoto,” said Brock.  “My name is Brock.  That annoying girl over there is Misty, and the short kid with lightning bolts on his cheeks is Ash.

JAMES: What? I’ve never seen them before…

DEC: Oh, Ash has a rather embarrassing tattoo, then.

  Oh, and that yellow rat is Pikachu.”

VEGETA: (as ”it”) “That’s SIR Pikachu! *sparks*”

  The digi-destined took about five minutes to introduce themselves, but it won’t be part of this story.

SPIKE: Unlike describing Mondo’s upholstery, which is MUCH more important.

  After everyone was sure about who was who, they sat down to talk.

  “What were you doing before we got here?” asked TK.

VEGETA: To which Ash and Misty struggling to avoid eye contact.

JAMES: And Brock and Pikachu.

DEC: Eeep.

  “We were battling Team Rocket,” replied Ash.  “They’re the bad guys who think they can battle.  They always lose and yet they come back to capture Pikachu.  Every time!”

SPIKE: (as Ash) “So we killed them! Yeah! *flashes two-fingered ‘peace’ sign*”

  “Consider yourself lucky, Ash,” said Tai.  “We have it worse.  Much worse than you.  The villain we have to battle is nothing like Team Rocket.  Nothing.  He works alone, he always wins, and he takes fights more seriously than we do!”

VEGETA: To which all the Digimon turn slowly to their owners and ask “so, you don’t think me getting killed is… serious?”

  “Who is he?” asked Misty.

  “Something tells me you’ll be meeting him soon,” was Matt’s answer.  “Very soon.”

JAMES: “Right about… now! Ok, boss, ya can come out now!”

VEGETA: I’m n- oh.

  Back to Team Rocket.  So Jessie and James were facing a lecture from their boss, Giovanni.  Mondo was watching them out of curiosity, waiting for the moment to come in and save their butts.

DEC: Well… he was planning to do SOMETHING to their butts…. Not necessarily save them…

JAMES: Why is this entire theatre apparently repressed?

ALL: …

  “I can’t believe you two!” exclaimed Giovanni.  “You two have made the stupidest mistakes in the history of Team Rocket ever!

JAMES: Feh, so says the man who spent about eighty thousand yen A DAY on buckets and whiskey!

  You cost us more money in a week than the other branches put together have spent in their lifetimes!

VEGETA: (as Giovanni) “Admittedly, the other branches are self-financing, but that’s beside the point!”

  A new balloon every week?  All those robotic devices?

JAMES: Hey, that’d be Jesse.

ALL: *sniggers coarsely*

JAMES: What? Wh- hey! I mean the Pokémon stealing things!

ALL: *sniggers more*

  I have half a mind to kick you off the team!”  He stroked Persian affectionately.

SPIKE: (to Persian) “Oh, but how can I stay mad at you…”

  “But boss, sir,” Mondo implored as he entered the room.  “shouldn’t you not fire them

DEC: (as Mondo) “Fire them boss not! Yoda am I! I palindrome I!

ALL: *frantically downloads… hint hint…*

because they’ll win eventually!

VEGETA: In much the same way as water will eventually turn into wine, if you leave it long enough.

SPIKE: Yeah, I tried that… not a very good vintage, though…

  Give them time, sir!  I saw these twerps earlier today who had no idea what they were-“

SPIKE: Werewolves.

  “Shut up, Mondo!” their boss barked at them.  “I better kick you off, too!  At least, until you actually win a battle and steal some pokemon.  For the Team Rocket oath is ‘Steal pokemon for profit.  Exploit pokemon for

JAMES: -financing that bloody ridiculous looking new Zelda game on the gamecube that looks appalling but will probably be the best game in all of existence just to spite me…

profit.  All pokemon exist for the glory of Team Rocket.’  And you three have hardly given us any glory.  Luckily we have Domino with us.  As well as Cassidy and Butch.”

  “You mean Assidy and Bitch,” Jessie muttered under her breath.

SPIKE: (as Jesse) “Uh, hehe, whoops… Turrettes Syndrome, sorry…”

  She hated the two of them because the boss always loved Cassidy, ever since she joined

DEC: And “she” is called “Cassidy”. Righty-O.

JAMES: Yup… she used to be called Susan, but thought Cassidy was more menacing.

SPIKE: It was that or Billy The Kid.

.  He had a thing for blonde-haired girls.

DEC: To be precise, he had a “Y” chromosome.

  “You three are forced to leave Team Rocket until you actually win a battle for once!”  Giovanni pointed a finger towards the door.  “Out!”

  Sadly, Jessie, James and Mondo left the room

VEGETA: Hehe, he shoulda pointed at the window…

.  Or at least James and Mondo did.  Jessie lagged behind and started to retaliate.

  “You hate redheads, don’t you!”

SPIKE: Giovanni ain’t endearing himself to the site owner here…

  She started to cry.  “What if I dye my hair blonde?  It’s because I’m with James and Meowth

DEC: -that my hair turns red! They dye it! They dye it in my sleep…. *cries*

, isn’t it?  I wish I could start a real cult of Team Rocket members--”

SPIKE: (as Giovanni) *donning hooded robe* And you’re saying we’re not a real cult? Brothers! A sacrifice!

  “You are the one in charge, Jessie,”

JAMES: Ooh, if you complain you get promoted… I like my job *does ^ ^ eyes, which disturbs me immensely*

said Giovanni, who was about to change his mind.  “James?  Mondo?  Come back here.  You can stay in Team Rocket.

VEGETA: (as Giovanni) “On one condition… fetch me a bucket, a few litres of malt whiskey, and two blonde wigs… you’re staying with me tonight…”

  Jessie, you have to leave until this new ‘dream team’ you think of creating wins and steals some pokemon.  Otherwise, you’re out.”

  “Out?” Jessie gasped.

DEC: (as Giovanni) “No, the hokey-cokey stops HERE!”

  “Forever.”  Giovanni stroked Persian, who growled menacingly at poor Jessie.

JAMES: Ah, a growling cat. Righty.

SPIKE: Hey, it beats growling sparrows, like in the game…

VEGETA: Or growling turtles…

DEC: Or “toqtoises”…

ALL: *giggle*

(Yes, I was pissed. And texting.)

  She walked out the door without a single look back at that hellhole known as the Team Rocket headquarters.

SPIKE: And headed to the hellhole known as Pallet Town!

VEGETA: Where she would work the streets to cash in on Professor Oaks whoring habit.

DEC: Hey, ya never know, she might be able to nick a few Pokémon whilst she’s there…

  “Fire me, will they?

JAMES: Ah, the life of a disgruntled bullet…

  Who would be rotten enough to join Team Rocket?” Jessie asked herself.  “Who would be rotten enough to work for me?  I better join a new force, a more powerful one than Team Rocket.  But who out there is rottener than the boss?”

DEC: (as Jesse) “Oh, you don’t count, Compost Man…”

  “…master.  You are the rottenest boss I ever had!”

JAMES: Eew, Compost Man is into bondage now…

  A strange voice sounded from the deepest part of the woods.  Jessie, out of pure curiosity, walked tentatively over towards the source of the voice.  She saw a bat-like creature talking to a thing in a bubble.

SPIKE: (as Jesse) “*shaking head* No more acid flashbacks… please… no more…”

  “As soon as those digi-destined are out of the way, the world is yours!”

  “Who are you?” asked Jessie.

  “You lost?” asked Demidevimon, who obvoiusly didn’t care.  “Hey, Red, you looking for the wrong crowd to hang with?  You wanting to be one of the bad guys?”

VEGETA: To which his “boss” is patiently listening to Greensleeves on the “please hold” answer machine that Demidevimon ha just chucked him onto.

  “I am one of the bad guys,” Jessie pointed out.  “I’m part of Team Rocket!

SPIKE: You were fired.

  Don’t you see the uniform?  I’m looking for a new force to join, worse than Team Rocket.”

JAMES: “No!”

SPIKE: “You can’t mean…”

DEC: “But they’re…”
VEGETA: “The evil…”
ALL: “Team Space Shuttle!”

  “Well, miss, you’ve come to the right place,” said Demidevimon.  “The master, he’s the worst.  If you mess up, he just tries to kill you once or twice

SPIKE: Ya know, something minor like that.

DEC: Except Jesse is immune to this, because NOTHING dies in the world of Pokémon.

JAMES: Which explains why I fell in love with a ghost.

than takes all his anger out on the rest of his henchmen.  They’re all scared into working for him, y’know.  Except those Bakemon.  They’re OK.  And he calls Gatomon his pet.

DEC: What’s this thing with cakes? Bakermon? Gateau-mon?

  Rrrrr… stupid Gatomon.”

DEC: Rrr… she’s so chocolately and sweet… but she won’t let me eat her…

  “You know, you remind me of Meowth,” said Jessie.  “And this Gatomon’s just like the boss’s Persian.  You ain’t half bad, whoever you are.”

  “Just call me Demidevimon.  I’m a digimon.  And you are…”

  “Jessie, member of Team Rocket.

JAMES We get the point already, you’ve said it about twenty times…

  And how do I get into your little team of bad guys?”

  “It ain’t little, Red,” said Demidevimon.  “It’s big, I tell ya!

VEGETA: Mysteriously, the settings changed into a porn movie.

  And once the master sees you, he’ll really want you on the team!

VEGETA: *giggles*

  So come on, Red, whatcha waitin’ for?”

  “My name is Jessie,” said Jessie.  “I don’t like to be called Red.  I prefer blonde hair.”

DEC: “And I’m Demidevimon, I don’t like to be called Arnold, and I prefer black hair. Now get moving.”

  “Hey, the master has blonde hair!  You’ll get along just fine!

SPIKE: Two dimensional, in more ways than one.

  All you need is acceptance and you’ll be on the road to victory, Re— I mean Jessie.”

  So Jessie found herself in some headquarters somewhere.  She had no idea where.  It reminded her of an underground castle.

JAMES: And who’s betting that it’s an underground castle?

VEGETA: And how did she “find” herself there? Has she been drinking?

DEC: Maybe… people do odd things when they’re drunk…

SPIKE/VEGETA: …

Who is the master that bat thing was talking about?  Is he cute?  And is he worse than the boss of Team Rocket?

JAMES: In all fairness, it’s not hard to be eviller than the boss of team rocket.

DEC: I’ve met more evil nuns.

JAMES: That would be your videos again, Dec…

  “Oh MASTER!” Demidevimon called out.

VEGETA: Urgh. That’s not pleasant if taken out of context…

  “This redhead saw me talking to you and wants to join us and win!”

DEC: “An’ she wants a pony and it’s gotta be called Scruff and she wants a room of her own and she wants more pink hair dye and she wants to be span- *smack*”

JAMES: *rubbing hand, again* No she doesn’t!

  A shadow appeared in the stone hall.  It appeared to be a caped figure that Jessie couldn’t make out.

VEGETA: Carrying an object that she could in no way see but looked like a white cat.

  “Well,” the master said to Jessie, “let’s see what you have.”

  “I have stunning good looks!” Jessie exclaimed.  “A charming yet evil disposition, a bad reputation even with the bad guys, and the best reinforcement there is!

JAMES: *happy* Eeeeee, she mentioned me!

  Arbok, GO!”

JAMES: …

  She threw a pokeball and Arbok appeared.

  “CHAAAAARBOK!”

SPIKE: (as Arbok) “You called, miiissssssstressssssssss?”

VEGETA: That’s a scarily good snake impression.

DEC: Oh, stop admiring his snake…

SPIKE/VEGETA: Die!

  “Poison sting attack now!” Jessie commanded.

  “CHAAAAARBOK!”  Arbok hurled poison stings at the wall and Demidevimon.

JAMES: Hey, what did *he* do?

DEC: Existed, I think.

  “Halt!  I’ve seen enough,” said the master.

  “So I’m not accepted?” Jessie asked?

SPIKE: With added punctuation to ! make the sentence ! have more emphathis;.

  “Oh, I knew this would happen.  I’m just too good for most teams.  Even Team Rocket thought I was too good for them so they practically kicked me out-“

VEGETA: Yes, you were so good you captured all those pikachus and didn’t get kicked out by a recovering alcoholic and his symbiotic cat who as we all know is the brains behind the organisation.

  “On the contrary, Miss Team Rocket,” said the figure, stepping into the light.  “You’re exactly what I need to win.  Welcome to the rest of your life.  I am your master, Myotismon.” (A/N: Yes, I like him too.  He’s my fave digi villain.)

DEC: He’s the ONLY digi villain, isn’t he? The pathetic second series ones don’t even count…

VEGETA: What about the mummy with shotguns?

DEC: Oh, yeah, he’s- what?
SPIKE/JAMES: *stares*

  Jessie was incredulous.  She had won, and there was a totally cute master to give her orders.

JAMES: And best of all, she’d metamorphosed into a valley girl! Like, totally!

  There wouldn’t be anyone to mess up her plans, or even her old boss.

SPIKE: She wants to mess up her old boss? Well, that’s one way of reacting to being fired…

  But best of all, she’d have so many victories and accommodate so many Pokémon, she would actually be too good for Team Rocket.

JAMES: She’d be so good she’d be sent up to a big satellite in the sky! Yeah!

  The day that started out as the worst in the world turned out to be the best day in the world.

  Little did she know that life with a new team of villains by her side would be more difficult than she had anticipated.  Possibly even more confusing than life with Team Rocket.

TBC…

ALL: Ooh, ominous!

(They exit the theatre. A klaxon blares, and a voice over the loudspeakers yells “Get back in there, you Vileplume-loving sons of Ninetails!”. Most of the original MSTers manage to escape the predatory group of TV stars attempting to throw them back in the theatre, but Spike, who can’t hurt anyone, is swiftly flung back into the depths of the theatre with a “Noooooo!” from Vegeta. Giles is flung after him, and Cat and Jesse break away from the herd in order to “rescue” him… unfortunately for them, the steel blast doors slam down just as they reach him, so they’re stuck MSTing…)