This section MST’d by Cyberwulf and the
Spider Mastermind, featuring Deaf Nelly.
The expanded crew of the SoL were making the most of a brief lull in the chapter-sending. Vegeta and Martok were having a headbutting competition. Ryoko and Shampoo were bitching about reluctant love objects. Giles was picking out a few chords on a convenient guitar, and Ant and Dec were accompanying him on tambourine and spoons. James was hiding from Ethan, who was openly leering at him. Bulma was forcing everyone to admire Trunks. And Spike, who was in a sulk about not being able to join in the headbutting competition, was having fun with a kettle, a large jug of ice water, and Ryoga.
“ He’s a pig! He’s a man! He’s a pig! He’s a man! He’s a pig! He’s a man!”
“ Spike!” Cat admonished. She snatched the jug of ice water and theatrically spilled it all over Giles. The startled, freezing Watcher gave a girlish shriek and leaped up, dropping the guitar.
“ Oh, I’m terribly sorry!” Cat exclaimed, eyeing Giles’ soaked T-shirt, which was clinging to his chest. “ Let’s get you out of those wet clothes!”
Martok burst out laughing as Giles backed away, falling over the footstool, and onto James, who was still trying to avoid Ethan. Cat tripped over an imaginary bit of carpet and swan-dived, soccer-player style, on top of him.
“ Oops! I’ve fallen over!” Cat declared, squirming around on top of him. She gave a sudden squeal of delight. “ Oh, Mr. Giles!”
“ Aargh – that’s my mobile phone!”
“ Eee! Jessie! Help! I can’t breathe!”
Hearing her fellow Rocket’s cries, Jessie heaved an impatient sigh, then went to get the Prying Broom.
Washu poked her head around the door to the lounge, only to be nearly knocked over by a very naked Ryoga, fleeing from Spike, who was coming after him with some more cold water. She stared at the chaos within. Jessie was attempting to separate the struggling, entangled heap of Cat, Giles and James, Martok and Vegeta had upgraded their headbutting contest to a wrestling contest (with Ant and Dec cheering them on), Meowth was teaching Ron how to cheat at poker, and Ryoko had just pissed off Bulma by telling her to “go take a flying fuck at the moon”, or words to that effect.
“ Hey!” she yelled. Everyone froze and looked at her. “ The dimensional rift just got worse.”
“ Meaning?” Edmund Blackadder asked.
“ The fourth wall’s been breached!” Washu replied.
The Spider Mastermind fell from the ceiling, destroying the couch beyond repair. He surveyed his surroundings with his eight eyes.
“ Oh, bollocks. Well, it’s happened. Sixteen years of living in the same house as Cyberwulf has finally driven me completely mad.”
“ No, you’re perfectly sane,” Washu replied. “ You’ve just broken through the fourth wall, that’s all.”
“ Oh, and that makes everything better!”
Just then Giovanni’s angry, hungover face appeared on the monitor.
“ Oi! I didn’t go to all the trouble of sending you an eighteen-chaptered Pokemon/Digimon crossover fic so you could have a fucking party!!” he bellowed. “Now get back to riffing before I give Trip Tucker strict orders to open all the windows in Engineering!”
“ We’d better do what he says,” Spider said fearfully as the screen went blank. “Kentucky-fried Tucker’s just stupid enough to do it.”
Jessie managed to get Cat off Giles, who scrambled away quickly.
“ But you’ll catch cold!” the MTV presenter wailed. She brightened suddenly. “ Oh, then I can nurse you back to health!”
“ Oh, bloody hell,” Giles muttered. He sprinted away towards the theatre. Cat made to follow, but Jessie held her at bay with the broom while Shampoo blocked the doorway. Cat pouted.
“ All right then,” she growled. “ As pseudo-captain, I nominate the Spider Mastermind to riff this chapter, as punishment for destroying the couch, as well as Jessie, for keeping me away from the scrummy librarian!”
“ I’ll get you for this,” Spider growled. “ I’ll write a fic where Voyager attacks the Satellite of Love, and you die in hand-to-hand combat with Kathryn Janeway!” He scuttled off down the corridor. Jessie followed sulkily. After a few moments, Blackadder got up.
“ Well, anything’s better than staying here with this bunch of cretins.”
(Our intrepid riffers enter the theatre. All sit down, except the Spider Mastermind, who swiftly spins a large web made of electric cables behind the chairs, and sits in the middle of it.)
GILES: You know, I’ve just realised that I’ve been in every Cyberwulf/Spider Mastermind MST’d chapter so far! It’s not fair! Why can’t you pick on someone else?
SPIDER: Don’t look at me! It’s Wulf’s idea. (disgustedly) She *likes* you.
GILES: Can-can she see us, right now?
SPIDER: Who do you think is writing this shit? And who do you think wrote that hosting section?
(Giles realises his T-Shirt is still clinging, and folds his arms self-consciously across his chest.)
A/N: This is the kind of chapter that I ran out of ideas for.
JESSIE: Oh, if only she’d run out of ideas for this story…
If it’s late (which it is, I am afraid) I’m sorry but I had this spelling competition to go to and it took three hours to reach the place where the diocese finals were held (and I got 2nd place, which proves how good a speller I am)
EDMUND: Everyone remember that remark…
but I’ll talk later. Actually, to tell the truth, I’m just gonna put up a new chapter whenever the hell I feel like it.
SPIDER: I wish we had such freedom… Well, actually, we do!
GILES: *to AthEnA1999* Take your time, dear. Say, a year between chapters.
SPIDER: Cyberwulf’s just told me to kill you if you refer to anyone else as ‘dear’.
GILES: *looks around nervously*
On with the chapter!!!!! And remember bold italics are dream sequences. And I’m sorry if this chapter is so short but I’m just not myself this week.
JESSIE: (as author) Yes, for one week only, I have become… Roberto Carlos!
I swear I’ll put up more next time but I’m searching for a friend…
EDMUND: I hope to God you never find one so we won’t have to put up with any more of this tripe!
Chapter 14
The Shortest Chapter in the Entire Fic
ALL: *cheer*
“Erika, please come back!” Domino had called the pokemon center
EDMUND: Here we go! Pride comes before a fall! That’s not how you spell centre!
GILES: I think you’ll find that’s an American spelling. It’s perfectly acceptable.
SPIDER: My arse!
EDMUND: Yes, I’ll have to go with the strange brain/spider/author mutant on this one. Who invented English, anyway?
via video phone, two days later. “Please! I need a partner and a friend, too! How about tonight?
GILES: (as Mr. Garrison) Here we go, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene coming up!
JESSIE: (derisively) I can’t believe you watch South Park.
GILES: It’s just so refreshingly ignorant!
Do we start tonight?”
“Sorry,” said Erika, holding a rose. “I have something to do tonight.
JESSIE: (as Erika) I’m washing my hair!
EDMUND: How does that tie a girl up for the entire night?
SPIDER: You’ve never really looked at Jessie’s hair, obviously.
In fact, all my nights are full. Taken! Kapowza! Gone! I never liked you anyway, Domino.”
GILES: And the subtext continues to reach worrying levels…
Domino looked a bit perplexed. “Where did you get that rose, Erika?”
“This rose?” Erika blushed. “Well… nowhere.”
SPIDER: Why didn’t she just say she found it somewhere and picked it because it looked nice?
JESSIE: Yes, I can see why you’d have to lie about, say, a box of chocolates, or some gift-wrapped perfume, or a condom wrapper, but there can be any number of innocent explanations for a flower.
EDMUND: Excuse me, did you say condom wrapper?
JESSIE: …No.
GILES: Yes you did! A few lines ago!
JESSIE: (flustered) No! No I didn’t! I didn’t say anything! I was speaking hypothetically, and not from experience, and besides – CAT! GILES IS IN HERE AND HE’S NA-
GILES: Aargh! *clamps a hand over Jessie’s mouth* Okay, you win!
“And what happened to James and Mondo and Meowth?”
JESSIE: (as Erika) The Blair Wi- oh wait, we did this bit already…
GILES: Oh, I doubt any of the readers can remember that far back, at this stage.
Erika shrugged.
“You don’t know??? But you’re a part of Team Rocket!”
“Domino, I was IMPERSONATING a member. I wasn’t really a part of it. Besides, I HAD to tell all of you someday.”
JESSIE: (as Erika) So you can come and kill me for being a spy.
EDMUND: God, these SI characters are dozy…
SPIDER: Hmm? Wha? What was that about me?
“I knew that. Whatever. Just wondering. And I would like you to join Team Rocket.” Domino even held up the “W” encyclopedia, and in it something was highlighted with yellow marker.
GILES: *splutters and gasps and gestures at the screen* M – marker… highlight… b-book… *glares, goes red with rage* S-s-sacrilege! Blasphemy! TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS!!!
OTHERS: *stare*
EDMUND: Must be a librarian thing.
“And the thing about Erika Domino? It was true. I’m not kidding. A 2000’s person, I think. We were the target of tele-
JESSIE: (as Domino) –vangelists, and Giovanni signed us all up to this cult who worshipped cheese. Thank heaven the cheque for our membership fees bounced…
marketing and Butch? He would do anything to get that guy off our damn phone for good, so he let them send us a new set of encyclopedias— 2003 Edition—
ALL: *blink*
JESSIE: Is this set in the future, or something?
SPIDER: No, what it is, is that the 2003
edition of encyclopaedias would have everything up to events at the end of 2002 in them…
GILES: But
it’s only the 13th of June, 2002.
EDMUND: Or
later, if you’re reading this on the Internet…
in exchange for keeping himself off our lines. And talk with Team Rocket doesn’t come cheap!”
“I’ll say,” Erika muttered.
“What?”
“Never mind. Listen, I can’t come back. And all I know is that James, Mondo, and Meowth won’t really be coming back either. As a matter of fact, I don’t think you’ll ever be seeing them again.”
EDMUND: (looking through previous chapters, as Erika) They’re too busy taking turns spending the night with Jessie!
JESSIE: WHAT?! *grabs chapters and reads through them, then looks up and glares* THE AUTHOR MUST DIE!!!
“Are you sure you’re not with Team Rocket?” asked Domino.
EDMUND: God, she really can’t take a hint, can she?
“Goodbye, Domino,” said Erika, hanging up the picture phone. She was about to change into her new dress. It was pink silk with a white rose pattern on it. There were pink shoes to match and she had white roses to put in her hair.
JESSIE: Sounds fuckin’ awful. She’ll end up looking like an Angel Delight or even worse, SAM FROM EASTENDYS!!!
GILES:…You watch Eastenders?
JESSIE: I sat down and looked at an episode with Cat one night, and now I’m hooked.
In fact, she had just set foot in the dressing room (actually, Nurse Joy’s “special powder room,”
JESSIE: Nurse Joy’s a crackhead!
GILES: God, first Gatomon and Meowth get stoned on catnip, and now this…
SPIDER: (as Nurse Joy) Look at me! I’m in a Rammstein video! *mimes sniffing a line of coke*
EDMUND: Wait, how did you do that? Giant brains on spider legs don’t have noses!
SPIDER: Hey, yeah! *looks up at ceiling* Cyberwulf!
as the nurse called it) when the phone rang again. It was voice only.
“Erika?” asked James’s voice. “Erika?”
“James!” Erika sighed. “Oh, I’m almost ready for the date tonight!”
JESSIE: *chokes on her cola cubes*
GILES: *performs Heimlich manoeuvre*
“Yah, I’m also ready.
SPIDER: (as James) Oh, yah! Oh, YAH! I’m so camp, I might as well be a tent!
I’ll pick you up by using the Meowth Balloon!”
“Oh…” Erika drifted off into a daydream.
“Erika… Erika… Oh Erika!” James’s voice brought Erika down to Earth.
“Hmm?”
JESSIE: That BITCH! How dare she put her claws into James! She’s nothing but a low-down Mary Sue!
GILES: (panicky) Mary Sue? *dives under seat* Don’t mention those! Ever since Jenny died, they’ve been coming after me! With their exotic names, melodious voices, impeccable fighting skills, magic powers, and bizarrely coloured eyes…
EDMUND: (sourly) Oh, poor you.
“I’ll pick you up after dark!”
GILES: (as Blue, sings) System up with the top down, got the city on lock-down, drive by in a low ride, hands high while we fly by…
OTHERS: Eh?
GILES: *cringes* Sorry, I’ve that song in my head all day…
“That’s the BEST time!” Erika exclaimed. “I can’t wait!” she exclaimed. She hung up the phone and started dancing around the empty pokemon center in a daydream.
“Oh James,” she would say.
EDMUND: She’s become Angela Anaconda!
“We dance the night away, and
then some!” She looked around herself in awe. The pokemon center in
Jamassia City had transformed from the center into a gigantic ballroom, all
white and huge
GILES: (as narrator) Somewhat reminiscent of Giovanni sunbathing…
and decked with
SPIDER: (sings) Boughs of holly, tra la-la-la-lah, la-la la lah!
OTHERS: *stare*
SPIDER: Well, it *is* the summer!
pillars and roses and other
ballroom-related stuff, topped off with a HUGE glass chandelier.
JESSIE: (angrily) I hope it falls on Erika’s scrawny little head!
OTHERS: *back away very slowly*
The outside was nighttime and covered with fountains and
elaborately-cut topiary,
GILES: Night time was covered with fountains and topiary?
SPIDER: (as Erika) Dude, those are some fucked up stars!
including a hedge maze. “This is wonderful!” Erika exclaimed.
Then she gasped as she looked
at her clothes. They had changed from a tank top, jeans, and tennis shoes
into
EDMUND: A rubbish bag, a pair of flip-flops, and a toilet seat, which was hung elegantly around her neck.
a red sleeveless silk dress with a
long train, covered with patterns of tiny rubies. The shoes were red as
well, with tiny black roses
SPIDER: Heavy into the feckin’ roses isn’t she?
and even tinier rubies. The gloves went past her elbows and
had the same pattern as the dress. She was wearing a black choker
JESSIE: Too bad it didn’t kill her!
GILES: Do I detect an attack of the green-eyed monster?
SPIDER: *patting Jessie supportively on the back* I’d write a fic where Erika dies a terrible, terrible death, but she’s someone else’s self-inclusion character…
with a red silk rose on it, and her earrings were small black
roses
GILES: Roses! ROSES! They’re everywhere!! BAAHDEEAHH-HO!! *hides under seat* They’re all around me! Oh wait…they’re all around her. That’s okay then. *emerges and sits back down*
SPIDER: What’s *his* problem?
JESSIE: Murdered girlfriend. Killer left roses everywhere.
SPIDER: Ah…
Her hair was up and was
covered by a diamond-and-ruby tiara.
EDMUND: But unfortunately, she couldn’t dance, because all the jewels weighed her down and caused irreparable spinal injury.
“Oh Erika,” said a voice from behind her.
Erika turned around and saw
James standing right behind her. His blue hair
JESSIE: That’ll clash with her shitty tiara and shittier dress…and shittier personality…and shittier name and shittier life and shittier-
GILES: Okay, that’s quite enough of that.
was actually shining, and so were his eyes.
EDMUND: Because he’d polished them that morning.
SPIDER: Unfortunately, as a result he was now blind, and would very shortly be bald, too.
JESSIE: Well that solves the shitty clashing problem then.
He was wearing a tuxedo with a black tie and all that other stuff that goes with tuxedos, complete with a rose
GILES: BAHDEEAAAH-HO!! *cocoons self in web*
SPIDER: Stop stealing my web!!
corsage and shiny black shoes.
“James,” Erika gasped. “You made it!”
James made a rose appear out of
thin air
EDMUND: Because he was suddenly a magician.
and gave it to Erika, who deeply
blushed and put it in her hair. “For the best girl in my life,” James
said to Erika.
JESSIE: *whimpers*
EDMUND: What, you think *you’re* the best girl in James’ life? He’d want to be pretty desperate to pick a woman who spends all her time bashing him on the head and calling him incompetent…
JESSIE: *bawls*
GILES: *glares at Edmund*
Erika blushed, appearing flattered.
Soft romantic music started
playing out of nowhere, from a full orchestra of those romantic instruments,
only there appeared to be no one playing. Or no instruments playing.
EDMUND: Someone’s never heard of a little thing called a hi-fi…
James respectfully bowed to Erika.
GILES: Then both of them moved into freestyle stance and began sparring.
“May I have this dance?” he asked.
“Of course
JESSIE: (as Erika) take it, take the fucking dance, go on, it’s not important go have it, I don’t want it, it’s not like I worked every day of my life to pay for it, go on just take it…no I don’t mind AT ALL!!
,” said Erika, taking James’s hand
and looking at him right in the eyes. James looked back at Erika, and
then they started to dance slowly. There were no other dancers
EDMUND: Except for a brunette in a yellow ballgown and a walking, talking horned yak thing in a blue dinner jacket…
; they had the place to themselves. And that just added to the mood.
It was a dance to end all ballroom dances. Erika just felt swept away by the
JESSIE: Giant tidal wave that smashed through the window at that exact
moment.
music and how good of a dancer James was. She seemed to be flying above the ground in a beautiful blur of light and music,
SPIDER: It’s ecstasy time! (as Serj Tankian) Psycho groupie cocaine crazy, psycho groupie coke, makes you high, makes you hide, makes you really wanna go – stop!
GILES: And “Pokemon” and “Digimon” are aimed at little children?
EDMUND: *flicking through previous chapters* You should see what was going on in chapters eleven and twelve…
JESSIE: No you shouldn’t! *snatches chapters and shreds them*
woven together in a vibrant harmony of resplendence
GILES: …complemented by a veritable concerto of lark’s tongues and swan’s brains, served on a bed of ramekins…
, facing James the entire time.
Every time she spun around, the dress flew out in a red circle, adding to the
fantasy.
ALL: *sing ‘Fantasy’ by Mariah Carey*
The music grew louder and more
profound as the dance grew more romantic.
EDMUND: This chapter is mushier than a very mushy pea that’s been mushed into finely mashed potatoes, which have then been thoroughly chewed, regurgitated, and trampled into a fine mushy paste.
OTHERS: *applaud*
EDMUND: And would you believe it, Cyberwulf made that one up all by itself!
Then James’s dancing slowed
down, as well as Erika’s. The lights dimmed, and the music grew
softer. Pale sivery-blue moonlght
ALL: BWAHAHAHAHA!
GILES: I knew she’d slip up sooner or later!
SPIDER: What was the opposition in that spelling contest like?!
JESSIE: That’ll teach her to brag about her achievements!
streamed in between the
pillars. The dance was but a sway, and James and Erika grew closer
together than ever.
SPIDER: Closer than the eleventh dimension?
OTHERS:…
SPIDER: It’s apparently closer to us than our clothes. And it’s where all parallel universes exist…
GILES: Yes, we know!
EDMUND: We’re from them!
Then they were facing each other.
JESSIE: *sourly* What, were they dancing back to back until now, or something?
EDMUND: Maybe they’re having a ho-down.
GILES: (as barndance caller) Swing your partner! Do-si-do!
James and Erika sang, which went right along with the music:
JESSIE: Who the fuck is J?? What’s going on now?? That doesn’t even make sense!!
The day we met I looked at you
You didn’t think of me
As handsome, now you do
Oh Erika, Erika,
You are the one I’ve been searching
for
SPIDER: Remind me. How old is Erika again?
JESSIE: *skipping back to chapters three and four* Thirteen.
GILES: But James must be at least as old as Brock! I mean, he was going to be married, so that makes him at least sixteen, to marry with his parents’ permission, and eighteen to marry whoever he wants! And that was before the Johto journeys, so now he’s probably aged between nineteen and twenty-one!
EDMUND: James doesn’t strike me as the child-molesting type, either.
Oh Erika, Erika,
This dance is not enough; we must
have more…
JESSIE: No! No, we mustn’t!
GILES: Lemon alert! Lemon alert! *makes submarine “aawooogah” noise* Dive, dive!
ALL EXCEPT SPIDER, WHO COCOONS HIMSELF IN THE WEB: *dive under seats*
E: You are so handsome
What I said to you wasn’t about me
But now I know
That I love you
SPIDER: It’s Nirvana time! (as Kurt Cobain) I like you, I’m not gonna crack, I miss you, I’m not gonna crack, I love you, I’m not gonna crack, I kill you, I’m not gonna crack…
as I can see
Oh James, James,
You are the stunning rose
Of my life, so evil
GILES: Evil? The word I’d use is “camp”…
EDMUND: The word I’d use is “bungling”…
JESSIE: The word I’d use is “useless, cheating lump of –”
SPIDER: *makes referee’s whistle sound* Professional foul! That’s more than one word! *produces red card*
JESSIE: Professional foul?
GILES: Yes, what’s that all about? Do they go to fouling school, or something?
SPIDER: It’s when the last man back hacks the player to stop him scoring, I think.
JESSIE: And that relates to what I did *how*?
SPIDER: Don’t ask me! Cyberwulf wrote that bit! Without even consulting me!
on the outside
With beauty as deep as beauty goes!
J/E: So this must be love
We are two lovers
SPIDER: (as James and Erika) No, we are in fact SEVEN lovers! *points at Jessie in a psychopathic way*
Who were never meant to be
EDMUND: That’s because one of them is THIRTEEN and the other one is at least NINETEEN!
SPIDER: Yes, it’s statutory rape time!
You are
E: My rose…
J: My angel…
GILES: (as James, as Shaggy) Girl you’re my angel, you’re my darlin’, angel…
J/E: Now I’ve got you and you have me!
The music dimmed even more as
Erika and James went to the balcony,
JESSIE: Push her off! Push her off!
overlooking the beautiful fountains and the green topiary… the
fountain in the middle of the largest hedge maze was shaped just like a heart
with two figures dancing. Funny how they looked just like Erika and
James.
EDMUND: I’d say it was “convenient”, rather than “funny”…
“Erika,” said James, leaning in. “You look so beautiful in the moonlight.”
JESSIE:
That’s not James! It’s not! *cries*
GILES:
*patting her on the back* There, there…
JESSIE:
*continues to bawl*
GILES:
(sighs) Want to sit in my lap?
JESSIE:
(tearfully, wiping eyes) No, that’s all right…
Erika said
nothing, leaning in to kiss James on the lips. They both moved in closer
and closer. Suddenly, their lips were about to meet. Erika closed her
eyes and touched something. Something smooth and dry. It didn’t
feel like human lips at all!
EDMUND:
She was kissing Giovanni’s arse!
GILES:
Aaargh! *screws eyes shut*
JESSIE:
Oh, please. It’s not that bad when you get used to i- *realises what she’s
saying* God, what am I telling you?!
EDMUND/SPIDER:
*snicker*
JESSIE:
*sourly* You know, one of you could’ve said something…
“CHAN-SEE!”
Erika opened her eyes to see that she was back in the pokemon center. Her clothes were back to her regular ones. She had kissed a Chansey.
SPIDER: Here we go with the fecking bestiality again…
EDMUND: Yes, this fic has it all… statutory rape, bestiality, pedophilia…
GILES: I think you mean “paedophilia”… I’m fairly certain “pedophilia” is an attraction to feet.
SPIDER: Well, James *is* pretty weird…
By mistake.
“Back from La-La Land, Erika?”
SPIDER: (as Erika, as stereotypical Oirish person) Oh begob I am, shure I was away wit’ de fairies, so I was…
asked Nurse Joy. “And don’t kiss my Chansey!”
GILES: (as Nurse Joy, possessively) She’s mine, bitch!
Erika blushed a deeper red than she had ever blushed.
JESSIE: As red as a rose maybe?
GILES: AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!
“Why were you dancing?” asked Jenny.
“I have no idea,” lied Erika, backing away into Nurse Joy’s powder room.
JESSIE: (as Erika, as Mr. Garrison) Ooh, I’m gonna need some more smack!
That night, when it was positive
EDMUND: Erika’s suddenly become gender-neutral!
that Nurse Joy and Jenny were asleep, Erika snuck out the window in her dress and everything,
JESSIE: And fell in a big, muddy thorn bush, ruining her dress, forcing her to break her date. *cackles evilly*
GILES: Oh, you love James really, don’t you?
JESSIE: Uh… no! I just don’t think Erika’s good enough for him, that’s all…
SPIDER: Suuuure…
just waiting for James to arrive and take her up in the balloon.
EDMUND:… Shall I make the obvious double entendre joke, or shall you?
SPIDER: I think we’d better skip it, it’s too easy.
“I wonder where Erika’s going,” said Jenny, who wasn’t asleep. She had been lying awake, trying to figure out something that had to do with Maiden’s Rock. “Well, there’s only one way to find out!” She quickly got dressed and climbed out the window as well.
GILES:…so wouldn’t she run straight into Erika, waiting under the window for James to come and pick her up?
SPIDER: Maybe he’d already picked her up.
GILES: Then wouldn’t Jenny have seen the balloon?
OTHERS: *shrug*
The streets were completely full of people who stayed out as late as 10 at night.
SPIDER: Ten. TEN. It’s twenty past eleven and I don’t feel even remotely tired! And Cyberwulf wasn’t in bed till quarter past four last night!
GILES: Yes, well, we aren’t all freakish robot mutants, you know.
SPIDER: Yeah, but TEN? What is this, Father Ted?
JESSIE: (as Noel Furlong) We got in, oh it must have been *half-ten*! And some of us *crawled* in!
EDMUND: (as Noel Furlong) TONY LYNCH! He knows what I’m talking about! Look at him there all sweetness and light – he wasn’t like that last night, when he *crawled* in, at ten past the eleven!
She spotted a path and ran along the path to the empty path that led between it and another city.
JESSIE: She spotted a path and blah blah blah path blah blah path path. That must be some path all the same.
It was where pokemon trainers walked along to their next destination.
Jenny saw there was a person right ahead of her, wearing a strange digital wristwatch. He looked strangely familiar. He was a boy no older than she was, with blonde hair, deep blue eyes, pale skin, and a very slender figure. He was wearing bright red sunglasses, a blue shirt, blue pants, a black trenchcoat, and black boots.
GILES: Aargh! It’s Spike! Who’s been mysteriously turned into a child!
He was holding what looked like a necklace.
SPIDER: But was in fact a cold fusion reactor.
“Jennifer Ashton.” The strange boy addressed Jenny
EDMUND: A jenny is a female donkey.
GILES: *looking ahead a few paragraphs* That *would* explain her extraordinary stupidity later on…
by her full name.
“How did you know my last name?” asked Jenny.
JESSIE: (as Mysterious Boy) You left your nametag on your shirt, see?
“I have my ways,” replied the boy in his silky voice. “I have this for you.” He held out the necklace, which was actually a crest.
GILES: So then why did they call it a necklace?
SPIDER: The author must’ve just written down necklace first and then forgotten where the delete key is.
“What is it?” asked Jenny.
“Take it, Jenny,” said the boy. “It’s your destiny.”
Jenny looked again at the necklace and looked awed at the way it shimmered in the moonlight. She drew closer. The boy had a sly grin on his face as he saw that Jenny was about to take the crest. Jenny’s eyes grew wider as she reached out to take the crest.
SPIDER: Wait, wait, wait. This person is going to take this thing that the mysterious stranger is offering her, just because he told her it was her destiny??
EDMUND: Yes, just how stupid is she?
GILES: (as drug pusher) Here, take this crack! It is your destiny!
JESSIE: (as Jenny) Okay!
“No! It’s a trap!”
JESSIE: Funny, it looks like a crest on a necklace to me…
a voice sounded faintly.
SPIDER: Yes, so faintly it has fucking exclamation marks!
“Don’t take the crest!” Misty ran out and tackled Jenny to the ground.
EDMUND: Amazing. For once, Misty has some sense.
“But it’s my destiny,” said Jenny.
“The only way it’s your destiny is that it’ll prove to him that you’re the eighth child!” Joe appeared and started waving his arms around in Jenny’s face. However, Jenny seemed possessed by the alluring glow of the ninth crest.
“What eighth child?” asked Jenny, who took the crest and held it firmly in her hand. It started to glow a bright yellow-green.
“NO!” Joe screamed. He ran away. Misty, Brock,
GILES: Brock?!? But in chapter 13, he was in prison with Ash and a bunch of digi-destined! It makes no sense! It makes no se-e-e-nse… *breaks down*
EDMUND: (deadpan) There, there.
SPIDER: So Ash is in prison? Well, bang goes my riff about “where’s Ash, why isn’t he looking for his Pikachu…”
Mimi, and TK followed.
GILES: So, they just ran away and abandoned her to her fate? Some friends they are!
SPIDER: What would you do, smart-arse?
GILES: (huffily) Well I wouldn’t just leave her there!
JESSIE: Oh, the stupid bitch deserves everything she gets! This’ll teach her to accept gifts from strangers!
“Why is it glowing?” asked Jenny, staring at the crest.
EDMUND: It’s radioactive!
JESSIE: (as Jenny) *mimes dying of radiation sickness*
The strange boy grinned a wicked grin and pushed a button on his image inducer, the thing that looked like the postmodern watch.
GILES: As opposed to a Rococo or Baroque watch.
SPIDER: Or one from the Renaissance.
The boy started to transform in front of Jenny’s eyes. He grew taller and everything like that.
ALL: *snicker immaturely*
The five rejected twerps and digi-destined looked behind themselves and gasped as the innocent-looking boy had transformed into Myotismon.
“I TOLD you it was a trap!” Joe yelled to Jenny.
JESSIE: Actually, didn’t Misty tell her it was a trap?
GILES: *flicks back through chapter* No, they never said who told her.
JESSIE: Oh. (as Sideshow Bob) Cheerfully withdrawn.
“How ignorant!”
“No!” Jenny screamed, trying to escape. But MM grabbed her by the wrist before she could do anything.
“You’re mine, Jenny,” said Myotismon. “You are the ninth child!”
GILES: Well, Myotismon, maybe that’ll make you think twice before you let people WALTZ OUT OF YOUR LAIR COMPLETELY UNCHALLENGED!
JESSIE: Oh, that was seven chapters ago! Get over it!
“Ninth child?” asked Mimi. “I mean, there’s the eighth child, but the ninth child?”
“Let’s get outta here,” said Brock, starting to run away before an army of Bakemon came across and stopped them in their tracks. The five of them backed away and surrendered immediately.
SPIDER: God, they didn’t even put up a fight…
GILES: Yes, even without Pokemon, you think they could’ve cobbled together a superweapon from some lint and a pencil sharpener… what kind of heroes ARE they?
SPIDER: (as B.A.) We got a pen, some bits of paper, and an eggbox! Let’s make a tank! Fool!
“DEMI DART!” Demidevimon launched a dart into Jenny’s arm before she fell into a deep sleep…
Sorry if it’s too short but I had no ideas and besides, I’m searching for a friend of mine who seems to have left the FF.
SPIDER: You can’t leave Fianna Fáil! Fianna Fáil is like a family! Bertie will get you! (as Bertie Ahern) Eh, I’m afraid your eh, resignation is, eh, unacceptable. I’m afraid we’ll, eh, have to terminate you immediately.
OTHERS: *stare*
GILES: You do realise you’ve just undermined your own government there, don’t you?
net. In the next chapter, more Erika/James,
JESSIE: NOOOO!
SPIDER: Well, at least we aren’t being promised more Jessie/Myotismon.
the tenth child revealed,
EDMUND: Gratuitous hard-core nudity in store, then?
SPIDER: (as Rik Mayall) Oh haw haw haw haw haw, Eddie…
and two more members of Team Rocket Mon! Plus, more on Team Rocket and Team Twerp! Ciao for now and so sorry that it wasn’t long enough… less than 2000 words! I swear I’ll get more ideas next time.
GILES: Oh, don’t strain yourself on *our* account…
(The lights come on as the segment finishes. Everyone gets up and stretches.)
SPIDER: Remind me to kill myself if this ever happens again.
EDMUND: You can kill yourself now, if you like.
GILES: It wouldn’t be so bad if there was *any* sort of continuity… I mean, how did Misty and TK know the boy was Myotismon?
EDMUND: Oh, who needs continuity when you’ve got pseudo drug abuse, statutory rape, bestiality, paedophilia, and one female character acting like an utter slag?
JESSIE: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
GILES: Oh, let’s just get out of here before the next chapter arrives…
(They leave, Spider first, then Giles, looking around nervously for any sign of Cat, then Edmund, and finally Jessie, holding a large mallet behind her back.)