“Sure
about this, are you?”
“Just…
shush, alright?”
“Why,
why, why, did you talk me into getting into a confined space with you?”
“Cos
Jesse is outside. With a fan.”
Ant looked unimpressed. Dec sighed.
“There’s
an air vent to my room from this cupboard, and I’ve got a gamecube.”
”Result!”
“Now give me a leg up!”
Outside
the omnipresent closet (there’s always one in a fic on the SoL, isn’t there?),
Washu and what appeared to be Ryu from Street Fighter listened in amazement.
“sure…”
“…hush…”
“…confined
space with me?”
“…with
a fan”
“*sigh*”
“…
vent to my room… game”
“Result!”
“Now
give me a leg up!”
Washu found she wasn’t breathing, out of sheer terror.
“I
knew it! I knew there was more to them than-“
Her
train of thought was interrupted by muffled yells, and clatters, and the sound
of a body falling heavily against the door.
“Argh!”.
This was too much… there were two crazed Geordies pawing at each other mere
inches away from her. Washu broke and fled, leaving a puzzled Ryu to repeat the
same few lines of dialogue repeatedly. Hey, he’s only 16-bit.
The
door fell open, as one of the many flailing ands had located the handle. Ant
and Dec tumbled out, hoping like hell no-one had seen them. Shame, really.
“Oh,
uh, you must be new…”
Ryu
was silent. Dec persevered.
“So,
uh, anyway.”
“…”
“Yeah.”
Ant
and Dec stared at the floor.
The Japanese karate-master’s mind was in turmoil. This wasn’t what normally happened in Street Fighter… there were no homoerotic situations at all, unless you counted the Sumo house, and you’d have to be pretty fucked to count that as… hey… hang on… (Authors note: no, Ken’s ending didn’t count, either :p)
“Uhm,
are you alright, mate?”
A
fire filled Ryu’s eyes, as inside his head, the words echoed. He’d figured it
out.
“Here
comes a new challenger!”
“James, is that screaming?”
He
looked up from Jesse’s pedicure.
“Uhm…
yeah, I s’pose it is, Jess…”
“Oh.”
Jesse thought for a moment. “Good. Now, back to your filing…”
“*sighs*”
“HADOKEN!”
A fireball roared overhead, as Ant and Dec dived for cover.
Luckily, they had about a couple of seconds grace before each move, due to
Ryu’s unfortunate tendency to yell out incomprehensible gibberish. Sadly, Ryu
could easily home in on the two Geordies, due to their unfortunate tendency to
yell out incomprehensible gibberish.
“HADOKEN!”
“*foom!*”
“Aww, bugger…”
The sofa could only take a few more hits like that…
“Dec! Wait! I have an idea!”
“If it’s about dying happy, man, I told you, I don’t do-“
“No! That, uh, was an ill-advised comment on my part, about,
uh, your part-“
“HADOKEN!”
“Shut UP!” yelled the panic-stricken presenters.
“Look”, continued Ant, “he obviously needs to yell out
something before he can do his moves. Even his normal punches are accompanied
by a small grunt.”
“So… if we can stop him talking… he can beat the shit out of
us SILENTLY?”
Ant sighed.
“It’s worth a try!” he pleaded.
“YODELLING at him would be worthy a try, for gods sake!
ANYTHING is worth a try! But out of all the things you coulda decided to try,
say, uh, fashioning a small tesla coil out of bits of the TV and the tesla coil
kit we’ve got lying around, you chose to make him shut up?”
Dec flung the voltmeter away in disgust.
“Fine!” he continued. “Just don’t come crying to me when you
come crying to me!”
“Well, what the hell else are we gonna do?”
Silence.
“Right, you see those balloons…?”
Ah, the thrill of battle! The joy of vanquishing your
enemies! The sneaky pleasure of staying at one end of the screen and blocking
and using fireballs repeatedly! All of these things, and more, did not pass
through Ryu’s mind, as his AI wasn’t advanced enough to make him jump when you
attacked, let alone ponder his feelings. Hey, he was only set on one star when
he was pulled out of an aspiring comic artists SNES, almost catapulting her
squishie vegeta out into the garden. Fearing being beaten with a hosepipe, as
is the fate of all that touch the toys (“It was an accident! *blatt!* Argh! No!
*blatt!*!), Ryu leapt into the swirling vortex in her wardrobe.
And now, HADOKEN! for all. Hey, there they are! HADOKEN!
“You’d better be good at dodging, buddy..”
“HADO-ken? Shit.”
As Ant and Dec dived behind the sofa again, the fireball hit
the huge bundle of balloons with a vengance. There had been a small fad for
tying cutlery to balloons and sending it over to the dishwasher, but this was
mainly cos James was concerned about the effect soap had on his delicate skin,
and the entire satellite liked to see him suffer. So, there were a lot of
spare, helium filled balloons knocking around the living room. And when fire
hits helium…
Nothing happens. But when fire hits thin plastic, it sort of
melts. The room swiftly filled with enough helium to make Barry White sound
like Mickey Mouse watching a calf being castrated.
“hadoken!”
It wasn’t enough. A miniscule flame flared from Ryu’s hands,
and then faded out pathetically.
“Ant, man! Brilliant plan, mate! Just one thing!”
“Yeah?”
“HOW THE HELL DO WE BREATHE?”
“Ah.”
Ryu was led away by kind people, and flung into the
incandescent wormhole kept in Washu’s room. Hey, just because they were kind
people didn’t mean that they weren’t practical. Sadly, any further backstory is
gonna have to wait, cos that fic siren’s just gone off, and I’ve got four parts
to play! See you in a sec…
(The MSTers enter. Vegeta, Cat, Ant and what appears to be Xander enter. Hang on… I already said enter… hang on, I… that’s another repetition… I appear to be changing into the author…)
XANDER: Major biological changes, caused by poor sentence structure… well, gee, why isn’t Cordelia a trucker by now?
(Oh, shush.)
A/N: First of all, I think I made a mistake.
VEGETA: Yes, readers, she forgot her pill, and she’s now the mother of ALL of you’s son.
CAT: That a word?
VEGETA: It is now.
XANDER: Wooo! Dictionary party! *blows party squeaker* We have
a new word!
VEGETA: Do not mock me.
I think now I agree that Myotismon is an ultimate, but I made him a champion because I was stupid
ANT: (as Schoolkid) “Nyah nyah, stupid girl, got your champion and ultimate mixed up…”
XANDER: (as Schoolkid #2) “Hahaa, look at the stupid cretin, probably doesn’t know the difference between a First and a Beginning Level…”
and so The Digi Story and The Digi Story 2’s storylines would work. And second, one person asked me about Wizardmon and it turns out I forgot about him for a while.
CAT: Which did wonders for his self esteem, I’m sure.
ANT: I’m pretty sure he was later found in a corner hugging his knees grinning manically and chanting “A winner is me!”…
I swear he’s gonna be in this chap. I promise.
XANDER: Anyone got any sexually descriptive jokes to make about this? Anyone?
ANT: *raises hand tentatively*
XANDER: No.
I got some ideas for this chapter from Card Captor Sakura, (or “Card Captors” in the American Dub), and some other ideas from some 01 digimon episodes. This one’s for you! Oh and BTW… Incantemon, Auramon (all of Wizardmon’s other levels for that matter), and BlueSalamon
VEGETA: Blue Salmon?
CAT: They crossed Scottish Salmon with Stilton Cheese…
ANT: Mmm, cheese’n’fish.
are characters of my own (and my friend’s) creation. Incantemon also shows up later in The Digi Story 2.
Chapter 16
Auramon, Wizardmon, and Incantemon: The Magical Friends
XANDER: Normally found by smoking the Magical Plant.
ANT: Or draining the Magical Bottle…
CAT: Or, of course, living in a padded room with Julian the Suitcase, and having keerrrazy adventures…
When Erika saw that Jenny was missing, she knew something was up. Taking a big risk, she snuck into the castle to try to find him. And she found, locked up inside the cell, was a Wizardmon.
VEGETA: And she said, to the thing inside the cell, what this says:
“Wizzy!” Erika exclaimed.
XANDER: Prefaced by “Izzy”, and followed by “lets get busy”…
ANT: …are you suggesting she’s coming onto the Wizardmon?
XANDER: Uh, no.
ANT: *mildly disappointed*
“Erika…” Wizardmon said weakly. “I’ve been waiting for you to come!”
ANT: *grins madly*
CAT: Oh, shush.
“Let’s get you out of here,” she said. “Is there anyone with you?”
“The other Wizardmon,”
ANT: *earsplitting grin*
CAT: That’s not kinky, it’s vile. Stop it.
said Erika’s Wizardmon.
“There’s another one?” asked Erika.
“Yes but he escaped,” said Erika’s Wizardmon.
“Good,” said Erika. “Now how do I get these bars open?” Then she looked at her digivice and said, “Should I?”
VEGETA: (as Wizardmon) “Erika… I know you’re having troubles at home… but are you talking to your gameboy again?”
“I’m ready, Erika,” said Wizardmon. Lavender light surrounded him and the light started to get bigger and take a different shape. A symbol of Erika’s crest showed up in the middle of that.
CAT: Until they told the guy with the torch to go home, his shift was over.
“Wizardmon, digivolve to… INCANTEMON!”
Incantemon stood in the wizard digimon’s place. He was an ultimate digimon with Wizardmon’s gray
ALL: Hound.
VEGETA: We are bound by the same ritual. It compels us so.
XANDER: Or we could be looking to make certain readers squeal at it.
skin and straw-colored hair, only he looked like a grown human instead of sort of child-like, as well as having longer hair.
VEGETA: Ultimate Digivolving… another word for growing up?
ANT: (as sad, sad specimen of a person) “Gee, mom! I’ve finally Ultimately Digivolved! I went to the store aaaaaaaaaaaaalll by myself!”
CAT: Expect a large influx of Dragon Lord Weekly, when this happens…
XANDER: And then they mock you for liking Iilitrix the Enchantress, and then your mom finds the back issues under your mattress, and then all hel-
ALL: …
XANDER: Y’know, I kinda wish I could take back everything I just told you.
He was wearing half-dark blue, half-silver sorcerer’s robes with golden designs and yin yangs on them. A silver mask covered half of his face. He had a sword and was carrying the changed staff. The staff was silver instead of wooden, and on the top was the circular part of the staff.
XANDER: The sword, of course, was left out, as it’s superfluous.
Half of it had an image of the gold sun against a blue background, and the other half had an image of the moon against a black and starry background.
CAT: “And here we see Incantemon modelling this seasons Celestial catalogue…”
Erika beamed at her digimon. “I haven’t seen you for a while,” she remarked. “Now to get you out of this place.”
“SORCERER’S SWORD!” Incantemon withdrew his sword and made a hole in the bars and the wall behind him to reveal an endless night sky
XANDER: Then he withdrew his sword, grinned sheepishly, and tried to ignore the hole in the CEILING.
and the landscape below.
“Erika, we must find Jenny and Kari before something terrible happens! I have to fly to File Island
VEGETA: Land Of The Paperwork..
before something terrible happens!” He put his sword back.
ANT: Before something terrible happened!
“But you don’t have enough energy!” Erika protested. “Are you sure you’ll be safe?”
“I must try,” said Incantemon, transforming the sun/moon decoration on his staff into a pair of white wings.
CAT: (as Erika) “Have you got enough power?”
XANDER: (as Incantemon) “I dunno… *metamorphoses staff and flies around*”
He climbed onto the staff. Erika reluctantly got on behind him, and the staff flew into the air at a high speed, right towards File Island and Jenny.
ANT: Who was floating just off the coast of File Island, willing herself to DIET…
XANDER: (as Jenny) “Ok, I’ll try again… stick of butter, hand. Hand, stick of butter. Everything’s fine. No-one’s eating anyone… argh! Not again… *sound of chewing*”
VEGETA: Carnivorous dairy products!
CAT: For those who like to eat EXTREME!
Gatomon might have been having fun, but she was getting tired of it after a while. She decided to call it quits and was immediately replaced by a Gekomon. He sure knew how to have fun.
ANT: *waggles eyebrows* Yeah, he could… huh huh… stick… huh huh… he could stick to walls, being a Gecko and all… huh huh…
Gatomon decided to run off by herself and watch some end-of-summer festival go on below her as she sat on top of a cliff on Infinity Mountain.
The firelight shone below her as all the humans partied and ate and had fun.
VEGETA: Sadly, the badly cooked sausages gave them all botulism. But FUN botulism!
The moon made a reflection in the still water of the sea
CAT: It glinted off the helmets of the security guards watching the illegal immigrants being forced to bottle the briny deeps to sell as Ta’ap Mineral water…
. Far away, she could see the city buildings on land. Plenty of humans were there, too.
XANDER: Heh, the jokes on her, she’s in Denmark, and that’s Legoland.
“Something troubling you, Gatomon?” A familiar voice sounded behind Gatomon.
Gatomon looked behind her and saw her friend Wizardmon. Not Erika’s, but the one she had befriended.
VEGETA: He was her friend! The friend she had friendlily befriended!
“Why do you ask, Wizardmon?” asked Gatomon. “If something were troubling me, I would be moping even more than I am now.”
ANT: She is yet to find her joy. Oh, no, wait, she and Meowth had rough cat-
CAT: Don’t.
“Don’t make me use your head,” Wizzy threatened.
ALL: ….
CAT: I’m sure he meant as some sort of, I dunno, ornament. Not anything more… graphic.
“Fine, something is troubling me,” Gatomon admitted. She started to softly weep. “Very much,” she added.
“Is it more kittens?”
“No, it’s not that.”
XANDER: “It’s just kittens kittens kittens with you!”
CAT: And how many times has Gatomon seen Meowth? Right.
“What is it, then? You know you can tell me.”
“Fine.” Gatomon sighed. “I just don’t feel right. I feel as if I have a digi-destined of my own. Remember the one who was looking for me? The human I told you about?”
“Yes?”
“Well I have a feeling she’s right here, and it’s like… well… I’m hiding something.
VEGETA: Y’know, apart from the illegitimate kittens and the affair with Meowth.
ANT: Gatomon is… is.. dieting?
VEGETA: Possibly *glances at Ant’s manic grin*
I mean, what if I digivolve soon, and it will be too soon? What if I see the kid and I’ve digivolved and it’s too late to save me? I don’t want to be completely evil.
CAT: Ooh, diplomatic.
XANDER: Evil enough to get a chance at conquering the world, and yet not so evil as to denote animal sacrifice, Cthulu-esque insanity, or nu-metal.
I’m a vaccine type!”
Wizzy nodded. “I think I know what you mean. I had a Wizardmon brother who was looking for one of his own, and he found her. And then there was this Salamon who was like you, only she was sort of… blue.
ANT: Then they misspelt her name, only read the last part of it, and sang about her in Grease, as “Blue Mon”…
CAT: Day.
VEGETA: That bombed.
ANT: *whimpers*
She found her partner. I know you’ll find yours soon.”
Gatomon cracked a small smile. “Thanks, Wizardmon. I’m glad you’re here. Without you, I’d
XANDER: (as Gatomon) “Not have any superglue to fix this smile! Thanks!”
ANT: Same with washing up, actually…
VEGETA: Hmm?
ANT: You break someones favourite plate? No worries, out comes the superglue
CAT: …
be nothing.” She looked at what looked like the others.
ANT: Sadly, it was a malicious Ditto with a hatred for cats… Gatomon was never seen again…
“Without them, I wouldn’t know how to have fun.”
Suddenly, a big breeze picked up as a figure showed up in the air. It neared the cliff and then the shape became clearer. It appeared to be a sorcerer and a teenage girl riding on a staff.
CAT: Please, get rid of the “on”, it adds a whole new meaning to that…
ANT: There’s quite a few websites devoted to this kind of stuff SO I’VE HEARD…
CAT: Nice how I’m made out to be the prude, by the way….
(Eh, we need a straight man, a witty person, a, well, a gimp, and a prude…)
ANT: *whispers something to Xander*
CAT: What was that about the straight man, Ant?
VEGETA: …
“Brother!” Wizardmon exclaimed. “It’s my brother and his digi-destined! And he’s digivolved!”
Incantemon landed on the cliff, looking very weak as the staff transformed into his normal one. Erika jumped off and saw the other Wizardmon with Gatomon.
“Hi,” said Erika.
VEGETA: Erika braved the perils of riding Incantemons staff-
XANDER: *giggles*
VEGETA:-to reach Gatomon this quickly… her greeting when she gets there?
ANT: *monotone, drab* hi…
Gatomon’s eyes narrowed. “I know you,” she said to Erika. “You’re that human’s friend! You’re Jenny’s friend! You just wait until the mater gets his hands on you-
CAT: As was made clear before, “the mater” really likes blondes.
ANT: Don’t you mean “the master”?
CAT: That was a typo I cleverly fashioned into a joke.
ANT: Touché.
VEGETA: This is unusually witty…
(Xander, on a hunch, removes Ant and Cats masks.)
XANDER: Right. You. Out.
(Cyber and Spider, in human form, are summarily ejected from the theatre. Ant and Cat are dragged out from under the seat where they were hidden.)
CAT: Thanks, it was, uh, a little cramped under there…
ANTHONY “BUSY HANDS” MCPARTLIN: Yeah…
wait a minute. That sorcerer’s not attacking.”
“Yes,” said Erika. “I just want to be your friend, not some enemy. I never belonged to Team Rocket in the first place and I need to find Jenny.”
ANT: You may have some luck with the number 867-5309.
“Team Rocket?” asked Gatomon.
“Do you know where Jenny is?” asked Erika.
“I’m feeling weak,” said Incantemon.
VEGETA: Sometimes it helps to be talking the same conversation…
XANDER: Five, please.
“It’s taken a lot out of me.” With that, he laid down on the ground and de-digivolved into Auramon. Auramon looked just like a younger, less colorful version of Wizardmon with a smaller hat and gray robes.
CAT: Ironic how the monster with the most interesting name looks the dullest…
ANT: Same on the SOL, actually… how many Declans do you know?
“He’s weak,” said Erika. “It takes a lot to digivolve, especially when I don’t have my crest yet. The power from my digivice can’t sustain him too well.”
“That’s right,” said Auramon in a voice that sort of sounded like Wizardmon’s, only higher and more child-like. “I need the crest!”
VEGETA: I suddenly feel the urge to buy toothpaste…
ANT: Or, in the style of Dirk Crimson, yell out “I WANT THE SEX” loudly.
CAT: Why?
ANT: Because.
“And for the last time, where’s Jenny?” asked Erika.
“I know where she is,” said Gatomon. “I know where her digimon partner is, too. I know where BlueSalamon is.” She started to run into this cave
VEGETA: (as Gatomon) “But I’m not going to tell you! Nyah!”
ANT: (as Erika) “But that’s beside the point! Where’s JENNY?”
CAT: And so on. Find your edge, guys..
in Infinity Mountain, where some prisons were.
XANDER: What the hell are prisons doing in an impossible
mountain?
ANT: Chillin’, I’d assume.
A prison in the ground
CAT: Re: A “hole”…
ANT: Or a burrow.
VEGETA: Imprisoned with badgers… a terrible fate…
contained a Salamon who was colored ocean-blue with huge dark blue eyes.
“BlueSalamon!” Auramon exclaimed.
“Auramon!” BlueSalamon exclaimed back.
VEGETA: “How! Are! You!” Auramon exclaimed, in answer….
CAT: “Could… be better! I’ve been! Painted! Blue! By a mad! Person who needed!
New monsters!”
“Erika! Help me.”
“I know how to get you out of here,” said Gatomon. “Wizardmon, if you do the honors?”
ANT: Does Gatomon actually do squat around here?
XANDER: W-
ANT: Meowth doesn’t count.
XANDER: Ah.
“THUNDER BALL!” Wizzy threw a ball of thunder at the bars, which bent
CAT: As they were, of course, made of thermosoftening plastics and not anything that was designed to hold rebellious DarkDigimon.
VEGETA: Screw that, I’d be more worried about the huge red sphere that’s just come rolling into the fic…
ANT: (as Billy Connelly) “Don’t live a little, live a
Lotto…”
XANDER: In a perfect world, he’d be dead before he hit the ground, but alas…
and made enough room for BlueSalamon to go through. BlueSalamon escaped her prison and walked around the cave.
VEGETA: On fins, presumably?
“Where’s Jenny?” asked BlueSalamon.
“Jenny’s in trouble,” said Erika. “I know she is in trouble. She will be in worse trouble if we don’t help her right away.”
Suddenly Gatomon remembered something awful was going to happen to Jenny if she didn’t act fast.
VEGETA: (as Gatomon) “Jenny is in trouble… I KNOW she’s in trouble… soon she will be in worse trouble… shit! Jenny is in danger!”
ANT: To the Catmobile!
“Come on,” she said. “I know where she was locked up.”
XANDER: (as Wizardmon) “Uhm, Gatomon? This is Bellevue…”
She dashed out of the cave and onto the cliff. From there, she jumped down the rocks onto the sand. Erika, Wizardmon, Auramon, and BlueSalamon followed quickly.
From there, Gatomon snuck into the cave
CAT: Ah yes, the cave in the sand.
XANDER: Damn, Jenny’s been captured by an antlion…
and was followed by the human and the three digimon. She saw a girl chained to the wall of the cave by her hands.
ANT: Not chains, then.
CAT: Oh, no, it’s just she’s Inspector Gadgets disowned daughter, she makes her own…
Yes, it was Jenny, who was reasonably paler, as well as having messed-up hair and a lot of bite marks on her neck. She was weak and was practically lying on the ground.
VEGETA: If she can limbo like this when almost dead…
ANT: Just call her Hermes.
She looked up weakly, her gray eyes glittering with hope. “Erika!” she exclaimed.
“BlueSalamon!”
XANDER: I keep reading that as BlueSaladmon…
CAT: That’d explain the missing cabbages and the sudden increase of ink orders, anyway…
“Come on,” said Gatomon. “We want to get you out of here. I want to be a good guy
VEGETA: A FEMALE guy!
, and so what if being a bad guy is fun? I’m a vaccine, you know. And vaccines like me should be good.”
“I know how to undo the chains,” said Wizzy,
XANDER: Whoa! If he undoes the chains any way like he opens cells…
walking over to Jenny and putting his staff
ANT: …
CAT: *thwap* Shush.
on the chains. The chains broke and Jenny was free.
“Thank you, Wizardmon,” said Jenny. “You’re the best…”
ANT: *smirks*
CAT: *smack* Seriously. Shush.
Then she started to faint. Wizardmon and Erika caught her just in time.
“Come on, we need to get you to a hospital before it’s too late,” said Erika.
VEGETA: I’m sure the grey-skinned tall guy wearing clothes depicting the galaxy will go down REALLY well with the local ER wing..
“Let me digivolve again,” said Auramon.
“No, we can’t,” said Erika. “It’s too risky!”
“I think I can help,” said BlueSalamon. “I can get you aross the ocean.”
XANDER: (as BlueSalamon) *mimes phone* “I’m a-sorry, but it a-seems Ross is a-busy…”
VEGETA: Italian agents: priceless.
She st
ANT: Well, no, not really.
VEGETA: Yeah.
arted to glow a puce color and the shape grew larger. “BlueSalamon, digivolve to… MERMON!” Mermon looked like a cross between a feline and a mermaid.
CAT: And no, I’m *not* going to wear your clam-shell bra to show you what it looks like…
ANT: Aww..
XANDER: And why do you have a clam shell bra?
ANT: *gesturing vaguely* Well… y’know, sometimes… when a guy gets lonely…
She had hair that looked just like seaweed and greenish-blue fur covering her upper body. Her lower body was an iridescent fish tail with blue fins. Of course, Mermon’s eyes were the brightest blue eyes a digimon could have.
VEGETA: I mean, duh.
CAT: Yeah, Bluey McBluemon can go home, Salamon wins this..
Her skin was light blue and was decorated with blue pearls.
XANDER: Made by very, very ill oysters.
“I know you can help us,” said Auramon.
ANT: A.k.a Auramon hasn’t had a line in a while and is ad-libbing badly.
“Wow,” said Gatomon. “If a Salamon can do that, imagine what I can digivolve to!
VEGETA: Ironically, she digivolves into a BlueSalamon. So I hear.
I want to digivolve when I have the chance.”
CAT: Knowing Digimon, that’s basically the same as “I want to grow up when I have the chance!”
ANT: “I want to grow older when I have the chance!”
VEGETA: “I want to develop distressing Little Mermaid fantasies when I have the
chance!”
ANT: …
“Climb on,” said Mermon. Jenny weakly got onto her tail. Erika went in front of Jenny, Wizardmon was behind her, Auramon was behind Wizzy, and Gatomon was behind Auramon.
XANDER: Sadly, Gatomon had the bare-faced audacity to attempt to bring nail scissors onto the flight, and they had to cancel the whole trip…
Mermon zoomed along the surface of the water to help Jenny.
VEGETA: Anyone else find that name distressingly close to Merman?
CAT: Yeah… hmm…
XANDER: Hmm?
CAT: You’ve given me an idea. Ant, what does your clam shell thing look like on
you, then?
XANDER: Eep.
“But what will Meowth say about my disappearance?” Gatomon said to Erika back in Jamassia City the night after that. The Team Rocket members had escaped back to Jhoto and insisted their break was over. Team Rocket Mon still hadn’t found their tenth child, who was Erika. BlueSalamon and Jenny were with Nurse Joy.
ANT: In totally UNRELATED news.
“I mean, where’s the eighth child? Who is the eighth child? Is it the Kari who disappeared?”
VEGETA: (as BlueSalamon) “Girl, you are, like, so two children ago! What-EVer…
“I dunno,” said Erika.
“And how did you get Wizardmon to digivolve into that… man?”
“I got a digivice one day and here he was.”
ANT: Very nice, but utterly unrelated.
“Yes, and I’m glad to see my brother is doing fine,” said Auramon. “I mean, last time I saw him he was the in-training Magemon. And now look at him! A higher level than me, even.”
XANDER: (as Auramon) “Cos, heh, y’know, that’s normally unheard of, I mean, not to be picky or anything, but, heh, we all know where the talent in our family went, huh?”
“But you had help from the digivice,” said Wizardmon. “I’ve always wanted to digivolve to Incantemon. But there’s something terrible I want to tell you. I can’t. And when I do
ALL: …?
VEGETA: That’s on a par with “I’m not going to tell you the wardrobe in the brothel teleports you to a dungeon! Nyah!”.
digivolve, it always screwed up.”
“What happened?” asked Gatomon. “I mean, you haven’t even told me about it.”
***WIZARDMON’S STORY***
ANT: Argh!
VEGETA: What’s happening?
XANDER: Wizardmon’s really aiming to please here…
VEGETA: (as Person #1) “Hey, Wizzy, we’re out of glasses,
I’m just gon-“
CAT:
****WIZARDMON SHALL WASH UP****
It all
ANT: Hey, how do you do that?
CAT:
*****IT’S ALL IN THE DIAPHRAGM MOVEMENTS****
VEGETA: ….Stop that… you’re… scaring me…
CAT:
****AIN’T IT GREAT****
VEGETA: *whimpers*
started when the two Magemon brothers were in Server’s vast desert.
ANT: Ah yes, the Server… it exists to allow Playh-Errs to partake in the game of Yoo-Tee.
Etamon hadn’t even tried to take over yet, and he had just digivolved. It was a very long time before the present day, especially in Digiworld. No one knew how long it was.
XANDER: So, uhm, not to nitpick or anything, but why spend all the time discussing how long ago it was?
Magemon was a common in-training form that either digivolved into the good Wizardmon
ALL: Yayyy!
or the evil Bakemon
ALL: Booooo!
. The Magemons all lived in Datamon’s pyramid before Datamon took over. He was merely Robomon back then. Magemon looked very much like a gray
ALL: Hound. Dammit!
ANT: We’ve been brainwashed!
(“You are calm! You are well!” flickers across the screen momentarily. Sadly, there’s a spelling mistake…)
CAT: I… I am clam?
ANT:… yes dear, of course.
CAT: *purses lips*
ANT: *sighing* No, you can’t look at me with your lip-eyes. Stop that.
VEGETA: I… I am… welk? I am whelk?
ANT: *shakes head sadly*
ball, only they had faces and arms, could float, and were surrounded by a magical aura. These magical digimons were gray and were all stitched up
ALL: ….?
ANT: Is there, uh, anything that can follow this without insinuating drug
abuse?
.
These Magemons were brothers and had ventured out on their own because their trainer, a Wizardmon
ALL: Yayyy!
, didn’t like them and thought they were hopeless and couldn’t digivolve. That was a good thing because at that moment the entire good Magemon
ALL: Yayyy!
population was wiped out by Datamon
ALL: Boooo!
CAT: Can we stop now?
, who had digivolved the day after they had left. So that meant they were the only good ones left.
“I want to digivolve,” said the first Magemon.
“Me too,” said the second.
XANDER: This much conversation exhausting them, the Magemons returned to their bong.
That was when a girl with dark brown hair landed in the desert. She looked younger than eleven years old.
VEGETA: But older than seven. She’s an ageless enigma!
The girl looked around. “Where am I?” she asked. “Can you help me? And what is this silver thing?” She held out her digivice.
ANT: (as Digivice) “That silver thing is your hat, and no, I can’t help you, you’re hallucinating.”
“Whoa,” said the first Magemon as he felt like he was getting more and more power. “This feels… cool! I love this!”
“What’s going on?” asked the second Magemon.
ANT: ….
CAT: I’m warning you, laddo.
“I think I’m digivolving! Magemon, digivolve to…” he was surrounded by lavender light that came from Erika’s digivice. The light grew and took on a more human-like shape. “AURAMON!”
Erika looked at her digivice. “Wow!” she exclaimed. “Did I do that?”
VEGETA: “Like, gosh, the gang will be SOOOOOOOO excited!”
XANDER: Ahh, Erika, the tale of a valley girl made good into a gym leader…
“Yes you did,” said Auramon. “Wow! I can’t believe it! I HAVE A PARTNER!”
***
“I remember that,” said Erika. “You WERE with another Magemon when that happened.
CAT: “You… you hussy!”
I should have asked him to come with us.”
ANT: Y-
CAT: No.
“Yes,” said Wizardmon. “I prefer not to think about it. Oh well. I was never meant to have a human for a partner. I was always the loner of the group.”
VEGETA: Of two.
“Don’t say that,” said Gatomon. “You have me, and your brother, and Erika, and her friends…” “But I always thought I would be the first to digivolve,” said Wizardmon. “I was kind of jealous at first…”
ANT: Kind of like the jealousy a presenter feels when his partner wins the bet of being the first to get an S Club Seven member in a compromising position with a loofah…
CAT: …
***
Auramon had fun showing himself off to his brother Magemon.
ANT: *coughs*
CAT: Lookie here, Captain Subtext, would you quit with the perverse silences?
ANT: W… what? Whaddaya want me to do, yell out “I-
CAT: *slaps hand over Ant’s mouth* You say nothing.
“Look at me!” he exclaimed. “I digivolved!”
It was getting extremely late, and danger could have been out there
VEGETA: But it wasn’t.
XANDER: It was too dangerous.
. There was an army of Gazimon just looking for takeover.
ANT: Mmph-mmph, mmph mmph.
CAT: He said “Then the lead Gazimon realised his typo, and went after a kebab or two”
There was one who seemed to be leading them all.
One night Magemon saw the Gazimon coming
CAT: *tightens hold*
. “Hey, the Gazimon are here!” he exclaimed. “Quick, get into this cave under the sand. They’re bound not to see us!”
XANDER: “See us they cannot! It will indeed be us who will have the seeing done not to ourselves, but to others who cannot see the people who we are!”
So he jumped into the sand tunnel, followed by Erika and Auramon.
The footsteps of Gazimon were heard above them. “Hey,” said a voice. “I thought there was something here a minute ago!”
“Aw, it was probably a mirage, stupid!” There was the sound of a whacking noise.
ANT: *breaking hold* Initiative is not approved in the Gazimon army…
CAT: (as Gazimon #1) “Hey, sir, we could go through he-“
VEGETA: (as Gazimon Officer) “*slaps* Dolt! Speak not!”
“Hey, don’t whack me!”
“Well shut up and keep looking! Hey, are those footprints?”
XANDER: (as Gazimon #1) “Y-“
VEGETA: (as Gazimon Officer) “I said don’t speak! *flicks ear*”
Magemon gasped and held his breath.
CAT: Because the footprint can hear you breathe!
Erika rolled her eyes. Auramon did nothing.
VEGETA: Whilst a small girl rolling her eyes would normally drive a lesser man to comment, Auramon was made of sterner stuff…
“Let’s follow them!” The Gazimon all leapt off in search of the source of the footprints.
And then disaster struck. There was the sound of some sort of vehicle on top of their cave. It sounded like there was rock-and-roll music coming out of it.
ANT: No! The fiends!
“GAZIMON GET BACK HERE!” the voice roared through a microphone.
“That’s Etamon,” whispered Auramon. “He’s the big cheese around here.
CAT: We now cut to Giovanni.
XANDER: “Cheese? Ch… ch….”
VEGETA: Giovanni: a man on the edge. Of the cheeseknife.
I want to get out of here and into the better land. I hear no one’s controlling it there.”
“Yes master?” asked a Gazimon.
“What’s with you and those damn digimon tracks, anyway?”
ANT: As we established before, he only likes Rock-And-Roll. Obviously.
asked the voice. “You’re just following your own tracks. What dimwits.”
“But Etamon,” said a Gazimon. “Master. I see bigger tracks and smaller tracks. Those tracks can’t be ours!”
“Aw, those were just from a long time ago. Them tracks stay foreve—
CAT: Cos they’re on the moon?
what the hell? Human tracks? Gazimon, there are HUMANS here! FIND THAT HUMAN! And BRING HER TO ME!”
VEGETA: And we’ve gone from “there may be humans somewhere near” to “I know all about this human, find her!” in a sentence.
“What do you plan to do with her, boss?” teased another Gazimon. “Sing to her?”
“Naw,” Etamon teased back. “I plan to eat her flesh and make jelly out of her insides.”
XANDER: “Oh, you…”
Erika shuddered.
“And when I get through with that I’m gonna make her a slave, slave, slave!
VEGETA: And she’ll work in his house, house, house!
CAT: Doing his household chores, chores, chores!
ANT: And ordering-
CAT: You’re gonna make that rhyme, aren’t you?
ANT: ….
CAT: I-
ANT: Pizza, pizza, pizza!
Uh huh… uh huh… She’s gonna do whatever I say and even throw herself off a clif cuz she’ll be my slave! Uh huh…”
CAT: Elvismon. Yay.
“No!” Erika gasped. “I must leave this place.”
“Oh yeah boss, we’ll find that human. And then you can have your favorite dish: Grilled Human on a Platter! Heh heh heh heh!”
XANDER: (as Gazimon Officer) “Heh, yeah, heh heh heh…. you’re fired.”
Of course, they were joking the whole time, but Erika thought the digimon were telling the truth.
The trailer pulled away from the cave, following the tracks.
VEGETA: Rather than, say, looking in the cave where the tracks would surely lead.
CAT: Oh come on now, Vegeta, you don’t expect lackeys to be competent, do you?
The three spent the night in the cave, but Erika decided to leave right away in the morning. With Auramon.
“But they’re only kidding!” Magemon insisted. “Ty-RAN-nomon is the one who eats humans! Oops.”
ANT: wuh-EE OH-nyuh-lEE spuh-EE-kuh i-NUH FUH-neh-tiK-ss
“I don’t want to get eaten,” Erika said. “Come on, Auramon. We need to get into safer territory.” She started running away.
CAT: The legs were moving, the lungs were pumping, but the treadmill refused to start…
“I can’t leave Erika,” said Auramon. “I’m sorry…” He ran away and followed. And that was the last of Magemon’s brother Auramon.
XANDER: Erika gutted him and sold his innards to Chinese chemists who’d ran out of Tiger Fang.
Many days, weeks, and months passed. Magemon had digivolved over time to Auramon, and he was still wandering the deserts. This time, he was searching for Erika and his brother, for he had grown lonely.
VEGETA: Evidently returning to the pyramid which was his home would be too obvious.
He had also grown even more torn and tattered than ever. He needed more stitching than before, and besides that he hardly had any food and water
ANT: The amount of time I’ve had to feed my data…
CAT: Yeah, me too. My hard drive is always clamouring for cheese and biscuits.
, and had a staff to carry now.
XANDER: Auramon, his staff, very little water, and the open desert. What more could a slow, drawn-out death want?
Auramon finally made it out of the desert into a rainforest
VEGETA: *looking down at feet, talking deliriously* Sand, sand, sand, sand, sand, sand, sand, sand, verdant fauna…
, and he saw a fresh spring of water. How he ached for water for the many months he spent out in the desert.
ANT: But when he bent down to drink, he found his mouth had vanished!
CAT: Then he looked up, and saw a huge hand appear above him…
VEGETA: And the camera pulled away, and revealed Auramon to be just another lego piece in the sandpit o’ life.
Also that water looked quite refreshing and cool because it was sweltering hot under his robes.
XANDER: That’s gotta be the worst pickup line of all time.
So he bent down and dove into the spring, gulping down the cool, clear water. It was so refreshing and cool, he could have stayed in there forever.
VEGETA: Then, the piranhas happened.
Then Auramon grew tired and cold, so he climbed out of the spring and followed it. Surely it would be even better at the source, and he needed all the water he could get.
CAT: He’s left his water in the hope of finding better water.
ANT: Someone needs to tell Auramon about birds in the hand…
He also ate some of the fruit on the trees that grew alongside the spring. He loved being able to eat and drink again.
In fact, he thought he might have been able to digivolve again. So he tried to, but it wouldn’t work. “Give it time, Auramon,” he said to himself.
XANDER: He MUST have been lonely…
“You digivolved over time, didn’t you?”
Then he remembered that Erika had a digivice, which could speed up the digivolution process. He needed a digivice to digivolve with. But where was he going to find a digivice?
VEGETA: I digi-dunno! Digi-do you know, co-worker of Digi-Dec?
ANT: I sure digi-do! Digi. Digi-die.
“Yeah, just give me the food with the most energy,” Auramon said to the Vegiemon.
CAT: V…Veggiemon? Wuh? Where did this come from?
VEGETA: More importantly, why is it running a roadside diner?
“So you want to digivolve, eh?” asked the Veggiemon. “A lot of digis around here want to digivolve
XANDER: (as Veggiemon) “Life’s tough, kid, you remember that, but you stick with old Veggie, and…”
, but they just can’t seem to get past rookie without the help of a digivice. And when they find the Light of Digivolution produced by the extremely rare Calumon, they’re really lucky when they do.”
CAT: They’re so damn lucky to get their foregone conclusion!
“Yeah, do you know where Calumon lives then?” asked Auramon.
“No,” said Digitamamon, coming up to the conversing digimons. “But I know how I digivolved into the perfect digimon I am now.”
ANT: (as Digitamamon) “First of all, you must bathe in the sunbeams that shine radiant out of my behind”
“Perfect my ass,” Veggiemon muttered under his breath.
XANDER: Nope, sorry, I stand corrected, that is the worst pickup line ever.
Then he muttered this to Auramon: “Between you and me, Auramon, Digitamamon is classified as a Perfect Digimon
VEGETA: But don’t tell him, even though he already knows.
, but I know he’s extremely imperfect. I mean, he’s gotta be butt-ugly if he doesn’t even come out of that eggshell.” Then Veggiemon spoke up. “Yes, Digitamamon, you’ve got to be perfect if you’ve opened such a wonderful diner.” He turned to Auramon. “I heard this story before. Prepare to get bored out of your wits.”
Auramon stifled a laugh.
ANT: (as Auramon) “Hehee, you’re saying you’re gonna bore me? Wayhey! You funny *giggles*”
CAT: The Misadventures And Misapplication Of Illegal Substances Of Auramon.
ANT: Or Mamoisoa. But that sounds like a pacific island, so due to international copyright laws, we can’t call it that.
“Ahem,” said Digitamamon. “There was this digimon known as Demidevimon, see, and he comes up to me one day when I was a mere rookie and asks, ‘Would you like to digivolve?’ I say yes, and so he leads me to this musty castle.”
XANDER: Again, I’m wrong, we have a new champion in the Worst Pickup Line Of All Time sweepstakes..
“Tell me more,” said Auramon, hanging onto his every word.
CAT: Before we insult him more, bear in mind that he’s been in a desert for months without anything to talk to other than his staff.
“Well,” continued Digitamamon, “I get locked up in some cage full of other digimon who were desperate to digivolve. This mysterious Ginjinka Digimon was giving them some sort of red potion. After that, their eyes glow red and they digivolved to the next level. I figured out that they were paying some sort of price for the potion.
XANDER: They weeded his garden. Not a huge price, but still…
(Speaking of which, Auramon, you owe me 24 digi-dollars, plus tip.)”
“Dammit! Why does everything have to be so expensive?” muttered Auramon,
ANT: “Inflation, son, inflation…” murmured Veggiemon, taking a drag on his pipe.
taking out all he had and dumping it on the table.
VEGETA: He’d got no money, so he paid with himself.
CAT: You revolt me.
“So it was my turn next. I see him face to face. He was extremely handsome. And I also saw the liquid. It was
XANDER: Extremely handsome?
some sort of potion to make digimon loyal and not remember a thing.
ANT: He’s giving them all GHB. I find this horrific and distressing.
VEGETA: But oddly familiar.
ANT: The SMTV cheerleaders were hired, ok?
As I saw what happened to the digimon in front of me, I figured that it must have been the price for speeding up the digivolution process.”
“That’s so sad,” said Auramon.
CAT: No, what’s so sad is that you obviously have to talk to an egg and a plant for companionship.
ANT: I resent that.
“Yes, but I caught him. You see, I knew about this, so I jumped up and knocked the vial of potion out of his hand. He got really enraged and then grinned this evil grin
XANDER: Ahh, the much-feared Grin Of Displeasure! Grinned by grinning grinners when grinworthy rage overtakes their grinning facilities!
. Swear to gosh, he had these really sharp fangs and not to mention some sort of plan forming in his head.
ANT: I’m pretty sure that was just his facial tic…
The digimon called out ‘Demidevimon! Get in here! We have a rebel!’ The pesky little bowling ball with wings flew into the room and gave him this small glass vial full of what looked like either venom or poison.
VEGETA: Or toxins, can’t forget the toxins. Or pathogens. Either toxins, poison, pathogens, or venom… damn, so many choices for the assassin on the go…
XANDER: Take two neurotoxins into the shower? Not me, I use Head And Shoulders Disabler! It gives my victims hair a silky sheen as it reacts with their nerve cells!
“‘I’m not drinking that,’ I said.
“‘My, you are the reluctant one,’ said the virus digimon.
ANT: I mean, who wouldn’t like a nice glass of goo?
‘Drink this and you will have power beyond your wildest dreams! You will be perfect!’ He handed me the thing of green liquid.
XANDER: “Ah, uh, yeah, then, I uh, thingy… uhm… DRANK the… uh… thing…”
‘I drank it myself as a mere rookie and look at me now. You will be nearly as perfect as I am.’
“So I drank it down in one gulp.
CAT: This guy also bought Big Ben off some entrepreneuring cockneys, so he’s not exactly a tough egg to crack.
VEGETA: If you’ll pardon the expression.
I found myself coughing and sputtering, and then I warp digivolved to me. Digitamamon! The Perfect Digimon!”
“Thanks for the story!” Auramon rushed out of the diner
XANDER: He missed Digitamamon and Veggiemon high-fiving and laughing their heads off, as they’d managed to convince Auramon to drink digi-sewage.
to find the one who could make him digivolve.
“Of course,” Digitamamon continued,
ANT: Ya just can’t shut him up…
CAT: He’s always left in the corner at digi-parties, cos of his long list of digi-anecdotes…
“I found out I was imperfect and this was what I was supposed to look like…” He held out a picture of an elegant lizard-like digimon. It looked like a Komodo Dragon. “And this is what that ultimate with the fangs was supposed to look like.” He held out another picture of an angel digimon known as MoonAngemon. “What went wrong?”
VEGETA: I don’t know, let’s ask the plot device maker what he puts in his mysterious liquid.
“The liquid,” said Veggiemon. Then both of them noticed that Auramon was gone. “Well at least he’s generous with the tipping!”
Auramon followed the spring until he saw Demidevimon. “Hey, do you want to digivolve? I know you do. I heard you talking in your sleep.”
XANDER: Why does DemiDevimon know this?
VEGETA: (as Auramon, in desert) “Ah, it’s just you and me, staffie, and this small, talking, black rock as a pillow…”
“Yes,” replied Auramon. “Take me to the one with the digivolution liquid.”
“Hey, just follow me!” Demidevimon flew off, up the mountain, and to a huge sinister castle in the mountains.
CAT: We invite the reader to make their own comparisons to the Playboy Mansion at this point.
It didn’t look to good.
ANT: Quite apart from the grammar, that’s akin to saying “Jeffery Dalmer wasn’t nice”.
“I don’t like the looks of this place,” said Auramon as he went inside into the huge front hall. It was extremely dark and musty inside, and it was completely made of
XANDER: Must.
stone. There were hardly any lights inside, either. “Hey, aren’t there any lights in here?” he asked.
VEGETA: There’s a distinct lack of any bloody dachshunds in there, either, but I don’t see Auramon clamouring for sausage dogs.
“Too bad, the master hates the light! Get used to it, pal!”
CAT: He was bullied by a lightbulb as a child.
ANT: Poor ol’ master… every day, walking to school, in the knowledge that Jimmy Sixty-Watter and his gang would be there to steal his lunch money and shine in his eyes at inopportune moments…
Demidevimon flew down a hall into yet another one that was once full of digimon who were anxious to digivolve. Now Auramon was the only one. Something had gone horribly wrong.
XANDER: Demidevimons security, for one.
VEGETA: (as the “Master”) “Hey! You! Bowling ball! Where’d all the customers go? *silence* Were you stalking wizards again? *silence*”
Maybe they had run out of digimon to use the liquid on. Or maybe—
ANT: They’d… run out of liquid to use on the Digimon! That’d make a lot more sense.
“I see there’s someone here who wants to digivolve,” said some digimon in the shadows.
CAT: Heh, he’s gonna be angry when he sees the credits, he was listed as Juán, Evil Assistant…
“The master will be pleased.”
***
“Who was it?” asked Erika. “Who was the digimon?”
“To this day, I do not know,” replied Wizardmon.
CAT: “Although,” he continued, “I’m willing to bet it was Shadowmon”…
ANT: Shhh, you’ll get sued by Acclaim.
CAT: Yes, Shadowmon, de voodoo slayer who walks de earth to collect de Dark Souls. In Digimon form.
“I hope that digimon wasn’t too hard on you,” said Auramon.
ANT: Y’know, there are times when I despair of the human race. One such moment is this one, where I’m gonna be beaten senseless by Cat no matter what I do.
CAT: Such is life with a limited selection of punchlines.
“No, he wasn’t the master. The master was what came next,” said Wizardmon. “I still remember what he looks like, especially when he showed up all those times this summer.”
XANDER: In other words, he got reminded a lot and finally twigged.
***
The master arrived with a liquid that wasn’t red, or green venom, but bluish-gray. Wizardmon couldn’t see him, seeing that his eyes were still getting used to the dark.
“I see you want to digivolve,” he said, sounding as if he had a plan.
VEGETA: And, if we just skip back, we’ll see that ages ago, when Digitamamon ran off, the master was starting to form a plan.
ANT: I reckon he’s a Counting Pine, cos normal things can’t be that slow…
“Drink this and you will become the next level.”
CAT: “Of Mario World!” he added silently, whilst smirking and mouthing “damn I’m good!” into a mirror.
He gave Auramon the liquid in the glass vial. Auramon looked at it suspiciously, then polished it off.
ANT: Back into the world of the euphemism, then.
Then came a tingling sensation, and it also felt as if his mouth was on fire. Auramon felt himself rising above the ground as he was about to digivolve.
“Auramon, digivolve to… WIZARDMON!”
Wizardmon stood where Auramon once was. He was even carrying a new staff and could even see in the dark.
VEGETA: The even dark, you mean.
Myotismon grinned evilly at Wizardmon, knowing that he would stay a Wizardmon forever, and if he tried to digivolve, something terrible would happen.
ANT: Yay, the phrase is back! Quick, read on! Before…
ALL: Something Terrible Happens!
***
“I knew it was Myotismon!” Erika exclaimed.
“He didn’t do that to make me digivolve,” said Gatomon. “Or maybe he did when I was in my sleep.
XANDER: (as Gatomon) “Or it may have happened in the event of me being in my awakened state, that is, awakefulness being the state of myself, I would have been unsleeping, or not in sleep!”
VEGETA: You got all that from one little two-letter word.
XANDER: I’m proud of me.
Or maybe there was a Demi Dart full of that when I was sleeping. Or maybe there was a—“
“GATOMON!” the others yelled.
Gatomon grinned. “Sorry.”
ANT: (as Gatomon) “Heh, yeah, sorry, I’ll just wonder what hideous things Myotismon has done to me on my own, shall I?”
“Well,” Wizzy continued, “I became loyal to Myotismon, and was all into evil-doing duties before that one tragic day, what felt like years and years after I had digivolved with his help.
CAT: Scarily, it was only a few minutes, and he hadn’t been given anything to make him digivolve at all, just pineapple juice laced with LSD.
You see, I hadn’t even thought of considering digivolution, but a digimon out there was just too powerful for the likes of a champion myself.”
XANDER: Ah, here’s his God complex again…
VEGETA: (as Wizardmon) “Ah, yes, well, AMAZING I decided that it would be in BRILLIANT my best interests if you gave all your belongings to PHENOMENAL me…”
***
The DarkTyrannomon roared as Wizardmon was being confronted by it. It was when it was loose in the castle. Wizardmon still thought that MM had let it out on purpose, just to see him digivolve.
ANT: (as Wizardmon) “Damn you, MM, and your crispy sugary outer layer with smooth chocolate inside!”
CAT: (likewise) “You could have sponsored ET! You could have been a SOMEBODY!”
He started trembling and ran backwards.
“If you defeat it you will get your freedom,” said Myotismon from far out of DarkTyrannomon’s reach.
Wizardmon wanted to be free, so he tried to digivolve. “Wizardmon, digivolve to…” Nothing. DarkTyrannomon roared even louder.
VEGETA: It’s not so much confronting Wizardmon as throwing a hissy fit at him.
This time, he focused all his energy into digivolving. That had been a mistake.
“Wizardmon, dark digivolve to… NECROMAMON!”
CAT: If he wanted to stay good, couldn’t he have just not yelled “dark digivolve”? Surely that’s a bit of a self-defeating phrase?
Necromamon was a dark wizard in dark robes. He had dark gray skin, yellow eyes, and black
XANDER: Dark black.
hair that just flew all over the place. His staff was completely black with a picture of some skull on it.
ANT: Y’know, just some skull or another, not really all that important…
CAT: I mean, who checks their skulls these days?
Darktyrannomon roared.
ALL: *gasp in shock*
Necromamon started advancing on him.
CAT: Urgh…
ANT: (as Necromamon) “So, dino, you come here often?”
VEGETA: (as DarkTyrannomo) *roars*
“BLACK SPELL!” A huge ray of black magic shot out of the staff and at DarkTyrannomon, who fell over
XANDER: Could they have got a lamer dark tyrannosaurus?
and ran back to his cell.
ANT: On his legs that have just been shot from under him. Cool.
“BLACK SPELL!” More magic shot out and caused the dinosaur to fall over.
CAT: Roaring and falling, all you need for a decent actor.
“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I see you’ve digivolved,”
VEGETA: MWAHAHAAHAHAAA! Yes.
CAT: MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! And you? How are MWA HAHAHAHAHAAAA you?
said Myotismon, floating down to where Necromamon was. “Or should I say, dark digivolved?”
“Why?” asked Necromamon, looking at his dark robes and slender gray hands.
ANT: Come on, brain, think! You can do it! Darkness mixed with digivolving… makes… makes… uhm…
CAT: Well, there’s always the idiots way out: question everything.
“I know it was the potion that made me digivolve. It had a factor that makes one dark digivolve. I know it. Will I ever return to Wizardmon? The right one?”
“It looks like you’re here to stay, Necromamon,” said MM. “I know you’ll love life as a dark digimon. A viral, like me. You’ll never be as powerful as I, I’m afraid—“
“I don’t want to be like you,” said Necromamon. “I mean, look at you. Torturing innocent digimon…
XANDER: And where do we see this?
VEGETA: It sounds to me like all Virus Digimon do is sit around and make more viruses.
ANT: Come to think of it, that sounds like a plan. Sign me up!
CAT: *sighs*
(Cat hands Ant a glass of some sort of red goo)
ANT: *gulping somewhat* I.. can feel the power flowing!
CAT: *whispering* I haven’t the heart to tell him it’s tomato juice…
I don’t want to be a virus. Even if I am a virus on the outside I still have the same heart. You remind me of the phrase ‘beauty is only skin deep.’
XANDER: That’s a good point; how many attractive people have you seen with no skin?
You may be handsome on the outside but you have the worst and ugliest soul imaginable.”
“And you think I’m going to cry?” asked Myotismon.
ANT: Wow, he sure knows how to argue childishly…
CAT: Anthony, stop that voice this instant! You haven’t dark digivolved. That was, uh, a sedative.
ANT: Dammit. *slumps in seat*
“I liked you better when you were Wizardmon. You kept your damn mouth shut about—“
“BLACK SPELL!” A burst of dark energy was sent out at Myotismon, forcing him to hit the hard floor.
XANDER: “Curses! Next time, I’ll make my headquarters in a bouncy castle, see how they like that!”
Necromamon had grown furious about what Myotismon and the potion had done to him.
“Two can play at this game,” said MM, grinning. “CRIMSON LIGHTNING!” A whip of lightning was sent out at the dark sorcerer, causing him to hit the ground and also get burned.
CAT: Ah, fights between two superbeings dealt with in terms a preschooler can easily understand.
VEGETA: That’s quite fortunate that we get them, when you think about it.
“DARK THUNDER!” Necromamon sent out his second attack, as a blast of dark lightning bolts forced Myotismon to hit the wall.
VEGETA: He was just… so.. damn… frustrated!
MM was furious. “NIGHTMARE CLAW!” The dark energy that looked like a hand with claws
ANT: Maybe… maybe it was a little bit like the night, as well. It may have been claw-like.
CAT: Bluntly, anyone who can’t imagine a spell called “NIGHTMARE CLAW!” doesn’t deserve to own a computer, let alone breathe.
XANDER: Nice how you make owning a computer seem more important than breathing there…
CAT: It’s true.
flew right at Necromamon, who didn’t get a chance to dodge the attack. He was forced back and hit the wall.
VEGETA: “So… FRUSTRATED!”
CAT: Again. Get these people some stress toys, they’ll pound this castle to the ground otherwise…
“You baka!” Necromamon exclaimed. He weakly stood up and brandished his staff. “I’ll kill you when I get the chance.”
ANT: “Just… not right now! As I’m… you’re not important enough! Yes!”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” said Myotismon.
XANDER: He can’t let you do that, Dave.
“I’LL SHOW YOU! BLACK SPELL!” The black spell shot out at the other
ultimate and hit him— hard.
CAT: Myotismon sighed, and turned round and punched the wall again. “Happy?”, he called out to the director.
Necromamon looked and saw that Myotismon had been roughed up quite a bit. And by that, I mean he was a mess from fighting. His hair was all messed up and out of place
VEGETA: *breathes heavily* I pain I know too well…
ANT: Are you kidding? No matter how fucked up you got in the episodes, your hair stayed perfect!
VEGETA: *beaming* That’d cos I use Araldite Hair Gel! Proven to stand up to sandblastings, Acts Of God, and planets exploding!
XANDER: Please do not smile. It hurts my eyes.
, his cape was torn, there was dust on his blue bodysuit
CAT: As, of course, he’s been fighting a hoover.
, and one of his gloves had come off.
Of course, Necromamon wasn’t a pretty sight, either. His hair was covered with
dust
CAT: See?
, his face had a smudge on it, his feet were all scratched up
ANT: And he’s been fighting a chicken, don’t forget that.
, and his robes were torn.
ANT: And.. uh… and…a knife? Sod it, this joke is over.
One of the sleeves had almost completely come off. Also his staff was bent.
VEGETA: *sniggers* And a new one is born.
XANDER: Fetch this man a splint! STAT!
Hence, Wizardmon’s crooked sun staff.
“You are my servant,” said MM to Necromamon. “You will not fight lest you be put to death!”
“And you are not my master,” said Necromamon to Myotismon. “I was merely led into this trap because I wanted to digivolve!
CAT: Funny how he’s worked it all out so soon… oh… no… it’s been years…
I was repaying you for what you have done to help me. But now I am afraid this is useless. I never owed you anything. I wish to take my leave forever.”
“So be it,” said Myotismon, raising his gloveless hand in the air. It was extremely pale and bony, and a red ball of lighning was forming over it. The ball grew larger and became more of a lightning shape.
ANT: Ok, bets are on for the name of the move!
VEGETA: Red Lightning!
CAT: Uhm, Bony Hand Blast?
ALL: *snigger*
XANDER: Crimson Thunder!
“CRIMSON LIGHTNING!”
ALL: *swear*
This time, the lightning hit Necromamon even harder than ever, whipping him across the back and ripping his robes even more.
XANDER: Necromamon then got up, winked, and said “like to play rough, eh?”. And got smacked down again. Oh well, he tried.
He grew so sore and tired that he de-digivolved back to Wizardmon.
***
“The next thing I knew, I was back in the digi-wilderness and all sore and stuff.
ANT: He was cuddling a traffic cone, and found a note tacked to his chest…
“Don’t mix your drinks next time *^_-* –Craig”
I befriended Gatomon and here I am,” Wizardmon concluded.
“Poor Wizardmon,” said Auramon.
CAT: “NO-ONE should have to befriend Gatomon…”
“Poor brother. If only I knew!”
“If only I knew,” said Erika. “If only I knew that Etamon was only kidding about serving me for dinner. I wouldn’t have left you.”
“I would have gone off anyway,” said Wizardmon. “I would have left you in search of my own way to digivolve.”
ANT: (as Erika) “Our… our bonds of friendship can… never be
shattered…”
VEGETA: (as Wizardmon) “Huh? Oh, no, I was gonna leave anyway, I wanted to
digivolve… was that a problem?”
Suddenly, their thoughts were interrupted by a dark shadow looming over them.
“Myotismon!” Gatomon exclaimed.
XANDER: Or, as is more likely, a moth next to their lamp.
“AAAAAAAAAH!!!” Erika screamed.
“Wizardmon,” said MM. “I see you haven’t changed a bit.
CAT: “And neither have you, MM” replied Wizardmon. “Still with a crispy sugar shell with real milk chocolate on the inside, eh?”
Shall you digivolve again to find out?”
“I’ll digivolve to ultimate and defeat you, MASTER!” Gatomon spit it out.
XANDER: We take time out from the fic to tell the cast not to put strange berries in their mouths.
“You try it,” said Myotismon, grinning evilly at Gatomon. A crowd was starting to gather and look out their windows and stuff like that.
CAT: Y’know, stuff that most crowds do. Whenever more than five people gather in one spot, there’s a sudden INSTINCTIVE REACTION to stare out of the nearest window. Hell, check the main page of the MST3K, you’ll see it there.
“Not if I defeat you first, baka!” Wizardmon started to glow bluish-gray
ALL: Hound!
XANDER: I hate myself now. Thankyou.
. “Wizardmon, dark digivolve to… NECROMAMON!”
“No!” Gatomon was afraid Wizardmon had changed from good to evil, when he hadn’t really gone through a change of heart. “I’m going to digivolve and defeat both of you!”
ANT: Heh, there’s that “I-shall-tell-you-what-I-shall-do-and-give-you-time-to-dodge”
Technique so beloved of Ryu and co.
MM darkly chuckled to himself, prepared for this to happen. Erika looked lovingly at Gatomon, as if she had a lot of faith in her.
CAT: “Awww, my own little psychopath…”
Gatomon started to glow pink, and then the pink turned to black. It grew and became a more human-like shape.
“Something’s going horribly wrong!” Erika exclaimed.
XANDER: (as Erika) “My… cat… my cat is really gay!”
“Gatomon, dark digivolve to… LADYDEVIMON!”
ALL: *recoil in seats, yelling “oh, the humanity!” and the like*
ANT: How do you get a female Myotismon out of a damn cat?
VEGETA: A steamroller, a spatula, and a lot of patience…
To be continued…
***ASH/JESSIE***
And now, since I’m better at writing straight romances, here’s an Ash/Jessie.
CAT: How… lovely.
ANT: You know what they say about relationships with a seven-year age gap?
CAT: What?
ANT: They don’t say anything, they go and marry their sisters! This wouldn’t even cross the mind of a normal person!
VEGETA: *coughs slightly*
ANT: Oh. Well. Age gaps are fine when, uh, they’re, uh..
CAT: I think he’s trying to talk about relative age here.
ANT: *nods gratefully*
CAT: I mean, I know he’s a lot older-
VEGETA: *simaltaenously* Cos, well, Bulma is a bit younger, as I’m sure you-
(Both pause)
CAT: *flustered* Oh, continue, please.
VEGETA: *glaring* No, I insist, you carry on.
XANDER: Next week, on Days Of Our Lives…
I don’t think there’s many of these, if any.
ANT: The reason? Not many child molesters get access to computers.
Jessie: Prepare for trouble!
James: And make it double!
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation!
James: To unite all peoples within our nation!
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
James: To extend our reach to the stars above!
Jessie: Jessie!
James: James!
Jessie: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: Meowth! That’s right!
VEGETA: “Meowth! That’s right! I want more lines in da next version, ya lousy agent!”
Ash clutched a pokeball and looked at the Meowth Balloon. He had always loved the feeling he got when he defeated the blundering idiots.
XANDER: Oh, I’m sure it made him feel so big…
ANT: I thought we established he was a bit young for that- oh.
And now he would do it again. Only this time, something was going terribly wrong in his mind.
He, too, had a crush on Jessie.
“Ash, what are you waiting for? Send out your pokemon!” Misty bashed Ash on the head. Ash came to his senses
CAT: Says a lot about Ash that a fractured skull makes him more perceptive…
and then made his Chickereeta escape the pokeball.
VEGETA: (as Ash) “Ok, leafy, just follow Steve McQueen and it’ll be alright… *tosses baseball* here, if you’re put in solitary confinement, you may need this…”
Ash whispered something to the Chickereeta. Chicky used his vines to grab Jessie out of the balloon and bring her down to Earth below.
XANDER: As she was in high orbit before, what?
Ash blushed and looked at her.
ANT: (as Ash) “Oooh ooh uuhh WUH-MAN, WUH-MAN ooh ooh EEK EEK EEEK!”
“Put me back, TWERP!” Jessie exclaimed, thrashing around.
“Not until I do this!” Ash replied, planting a big kiss on Jessie’s left cheek. “There!”
“Sorry,” said Jessie, showing Ash a ring. “I’m engaged.”
CAT: Cos, well, if she wasn’t, Ash wouldn’t have time to get his shoes off…
“To whom?” asked the twerps.
VEGETA: Yeah, cordially asking and answering questions is exactly what people do after seeing one of their number drag someone kicking and screaming from the sky to kiss them against their will.
“James!” Jessie exclaimed. She was picked up by the skinny robotic arms and placed back into the balloon. “So long twerps!” (Oh how I LOVE rocketshippys…)
XANDER: Ironically, I like rocket LAUNCHERS. Perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement.
VEGETA: Or just tie her to Apollo-13 if she likes rockets so much. Hehe.
OK, I gave Wizardmon enough air time, I made the chapter nearly pure digimon, and it’s over 5600 words.
ANT: In other words, you made it actually hurt.
This is an accomplishment, all right.
CAT: The thing is, so was Soviet Russia.
ANT: And R&B.
VEGETA: And the invention of polymers.
ALL: *glare*
VEGETA: What? It was!
Hope you like it, Wizzy Fans! The next few chapters will have both Wizardmons in them, so have great expectations for the next few chatpers.
ALL: *sighs*
ANT: Too easy, and it’s been a long day…
And what else to expect: a fight with Ladydevimon, BlueSalamon joins in the fight, the twerps might escape, and one of the Team Rocket Mon members returns to Team Rocket
CAT: Yay! We don’t have to watch/read it, we’ve already done it!
ANT: I don’t think it works quite like that, pet… *sobs*
… ooooh, the suspense! ^_^ See you later!
VEGETA: On our terms, hopefully…