This section MST’d by Cyberwulf.

(The crew enter the theatre, Spike, growling, in the lead, Giles after him, and Jessie and Cat vying with each other for the chance to gaze at Giles’ behind.)

GILES: I still don’t understand this riffing business. Do you mean like a, a guitar riff, like *hums opening riff from ‘One Step Closer’*

SPIKE: Still working on that midlife crisis, I see. *smirks* How are the implants holding up?

GILES: (huffily) I think you have me confused with someone else.

(They all take their seats.)

CAT: It’s easy. Just mock the fic. Say the first thing that comes into your head.

(She tries to sit in his lap. Giles gently lifts her off and puts her in a separate seat. Cat pouts.)

A/N: HELLO AGAIN!!!!! ^_^  So here I am again.  Did ya miss me? 

SPIKE: Not particularly, no.

Who missed me? *Looks around to see who raised their hand* 

CREW: *all sit on their hands, except Giles, who still looks confused*

Well here’s chapter 2 of that untitled crossover I’m doing. 

JESSIE: What, *this* untitled crossover you’re doing?

CAT: Maybe the author’s working on more than one.

SPIKE: Poor author, you know how it is when you’ve got four or five untitled crossover fics on the go . . .

I miss writing in the first person format.  And if you guessed the bad guys I’m writing about are my two favorite things, YOU GOT IT!

JESSIE: *beams, hearts for eyes* YAY! I’m a favourite thing!

SPIKE: (with head in hands) Ta very much, mate, now she’ll be unbearable!

CAT: She’s not already?

JESSIE: *suddenly overhearing* What’s that?

CAT/SPIKE: (quickly) Nothing, nothing, nothing!

  Oh by the way, Sab, thanx for the cookie!  It was delicious! 

JESSIE: (as Sab) You’re welcome! They were my best batch ever! You could barely taste the lark’s vomit!

In this chap, Jessie learns how to become one with the digi villains and even gets to boss around

SPIKE: So what else is new? *gets thwapped with frying pan*

GILES: Good heavens! *watches as Spike painfully gets to his feet, then turns to Cat* Does she do that often?

CAT: *nodding, with a sigh* All the time . . .

Demidevimon for a while… (oh dear I’ve said too much…) 

SPIKE: Just as long as you haven’t written too much . . .

The stuff on Team Twerp (Ash, Misty, Brock) was just a thing to tie the story together and make it as long as my stories usually are… 

SPIKE: Well, bang goes that hope . . .

OK.  Now comes the second chapter.  I THOUGHT THIS ONE UP REAL FAST!

CAT: Think that means we’ll be able to get through it real fast?

JESSIE: Maybe. Cyberwulf *is* writing this at ten to two in the morning . . . probably hepped up on Coke and Rice Krispie Squares, with 2FM’s late night r’n’b show on in the background . . .

SPIKE: Bloody students.

Chapter 2

One With the Digi Villains

SPIKE: *sings* I’m a tot, je suis une tot, Digi, Tom and Tiny . . .

CREW: *all stare at Spike*

SPIKE: Sorry, don’t know where that came from . . .

  James, Meowth and Mondo

CAT: All right! Time out! Hold the phone! Who the heck is Mondo???

GILES: Oh – isn’t he that lizard that was in Ninja Turtles once?

CREW: ???

GILES: Mondo Gecko. He was Michelangelo’s friend – didn’t any of you see that one?

SPIKE: And you know this *how*?

GILES: (sheepishly) Remember that year I was unemployed? I – er – I had to, to do something to fill the days . . . and the cartoons were surprisingly addictive . . .

SPIKE: Sadarse .

sat alone in their secret hideout in the woods to talk some guy talk. 

SPIKE: (as Mondo, cracking open a beer and scratching crotch) Could you believe that bloody referee? He wants his head examined! No way was that off-side! *belches* So, what do you think of Nurse Joy’s rack? *makes obnoxious hooting noise* (as James, as Sideshow Bob) Oh, yah! Shake it, madam! Capital knockers!

GILES: On behalf of my gender, I am deeply ashamed.

Actually, it was sitting around and seeing if Ditto could transform into something.

CAT: A totally redundant thing to do, since that’s all Dittos are good for!

JESSIE: That and breeding Totodiles. And Cyndaquils. And Phanpys. *thinks* In fact, breeding almost anything.

SPIKE: Ditto’s just a big slut.

Anything would do.

GILES: How about getting it to transform into the Order of the Bat’leth? Maybe they could win some battles for them.

JESSIE: The what?

GILES: The Order of the Bat’leth – the Klingon knighthood.

SPIKE: This is why you don’t have a girlfriend.

  “How about… Mewtwo?” James asked Ditto, sounding quite bored.

JESSIE: If they’re bored, how about a Gamecube?

SPIKE: (suddenly interested) Would that work?

JESSIE: *shrugs* Only one way to find out.

  “Di-tto.”  Ditto nodded, then transformed from a pile of purple putty into the cat-like Mewtwo.

  “Oh, I know one!” Meowth exclaimed.  “Dragonaire!”

SPIKE: Hey! Doesn’t Ditto have to be in contact with a Pokemon for it to transform into it? I mean, does it magically know what Mewtwo and Dragonaire look like?

GILES: Show canon and game canon are different, it seems.

  Ditto morphed from Mewtwo to Dragonaire.

CAT: Wait a minute. So – instead of taking the faux Mewtwo to the boss, and telling him they caught it, and getting a massive raise, or even just taking the Ditto and demonstrating its power to Giovanni, they’re playing around with it?

JESSIE: (sighs) I know, I know. This is why we never get anywhere.

  James sighed, then looked really upset about something.  “Jessie,” he told Ditto.

  The Dragonaire changed into a nearly perfect replica of Jessie.

SPIKE: Oh, good, now they’ve got one each!

JESSIE: *clatters him with frying pan* 

The only way that the boys could tell Ditto and Jessie apart was that

SPIKE: Ditto’s were real, whereas Jessie’s –

CAT: *borrows frying pan and brains him with it* Try to keep your mind out of the gutter, Spike! *glances around nervously* You never know, small children might be reading this . . .

Jessie was bossy and obsessive with nearly everything.

  “Something on your mind, Jimmy boy?” Meowth asked.

  James sighed.  “It’s just not the same without Jessie around,” he mused.

SPIKE: (as James) Oh, how I miss being bossed around, smacked on the head, forced into wearing women’s clothes . . .

JESSIE: *snorts derisively* FORCED into wearing women’s clothes? It’s all I can do to keep him out of my wardrobe!

CAT/SPIKE: *giggle*

GILES: I don’t know what you’re laughing at. Those fancy bras are very nice to touch, and there’s something extremely liberating about donning some fishnets and skipping through your flat in your underpants going “La la la la la la la”- *realises what he’s saying* Oh, God, why am I telling you this?!

JESSIE/CAT/SPIKE: *crack up*

  “You said it,” Mondo agreed.  Then his eyes lit up.  “Hey, how about I be like Jessie,

y’know, fill in for the motto and help defeat Team Twerp over there!”

GILES: Over where?

CAT: I’ve got a better idea. Why not let Ditto fill in for Jessie?

JESSIE: Yeah, at least it would look like me!

SPIKE: Unless Mondo’s got a few operations lined up that we don’t know about . . . 

“Only no blows to the head,” James reminded Mondo.  “I still have a bump from last time she whacked me on the head with a frying pan.  Or was that a mallet?”

  “Mallet, James, it was a mallet,” said Meowth.  “Frying pans have different effects on one’s head. 

CAT: (as Meowth) Mallets give ya bumps, fryin’ pans give ya concussions, fans give ya papercuts, anvils make ya dead . . .

And I remember clearly because Jessie called you an imbecile and said, ‘Don’t make me use the mallet!’”

GILES: I suppose Meowth keeps a perfect record of everything Jessie hits him with?

JESSIE: Of course! How else are we supposed to get our insurance company to pay up?

CAT: You have insurance? Who’d agree to cover you?

JESSIE: They’re not very bright.

  “So Mondo, are you going to join us?” asked James.  “You’re a genius at getting us out of these messes, you know.”

  “Of course!” Mondo exclaimed.  “Hey, let’s test it on some other twerps tomorrow!”

  The next day, citizens of Jamassia City (A/N: I made that name up)

JESSIE: Thank you for sharing that, A/N!

CAT: Don’t you just hate it when authors keep butting into the story?

*Kojiro, Loder, and Cyberwulf enter the theatre, hear Cat, turn right around and walk straight back out.*

saw a Meowth balloon hovering above them. 

SPIKE: And the people in the town didn’t think to call the police or the army or have an F15 shoot it down or something like that.

CAT: Because the skies are just swarming with perfectly innocent Meowth-shaped balloons, even though we’ve never seen anyone except Team Rocket use one in the series.

A vacuum tube appeared from the bottom and started sucking up whatever valuable stuff was in a person’s pocket, like pokeballs.

SPIKE: And money, and car keys, but Team Rocket weren’t concerned with that, because they somehow believed that Pokemon were the secret to world domination.

JESSIE: (angrily) They *are* the secret to world domination!

SPIKE: How? How are they the secret to world domination?

JESSIE: (flustered) They . . . they . . . they just ARE! Shut up! Don’t make me get the hose!

“What’s going on?” asked one of the million Officer Jennys who were in the pokemon series.  “Growlithe, see what’s going on with that balloon!”

GILES: (as Growlithe, translated) Yes, I’ll just magically fly up there, shall I? In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m Growlithe. Not Pidgeotto, Growlithe. The Puppy Pokemon. The clue is in the name. (as Growlithe, as Ripper) Dozy cow.

CAT: *suspiciously* I thought you said you didn’t know anything about Pokemon.

GILES: Ah – uh – w-well, I-

JESSIE: (disgusted) You have a Gameboy, don’t you?

GILES: (blushing) Er – ah – uh , th-that is to say . . .

SPIKE: You sadarse.

“I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on!” James shouted through a megaphone.

  “Yeah, and prepare for trouble!” Mondo shouted through another megaphone.

  “And make it double!”

  “To protect the world from devastation!”

  “To ignite all peoples within our nation!”

JESSIE: *chokes on her complimentary Super-small Sugar-free Diet Pepsi*

  “To announce there are evils like truth and glove!”

  “To expend our beach to the planets above!”

JESSIE: *coughing madly, dribbling Pepsi out her nose*

CAT: *slaps Jessie on the back*

  “Mondo!”

  “James!”

  “Team Rocket… uh… Team Rocket… Aw crap!  I forgot the motto!”

  “Me too!”

JESSIE: (as Sheila Broflovski) What-what-WHAT ???

  “I think I better not say ‘Meowth that’s right,’” said Meowth quietly.  Then he started laughing at how screwy Mondo and James were together.

SPIKE: *cough*bumboys*cough*!

GILES: *gives Spike the Ripper Glare*

SPIKE: *cowers*

  Suddenly, everyone started laughing their heads off

JESSIE: (outraged) Laughing? LAUGHING ?!?!

at Team Rocket members actually forgetting their motto.  Meowth laughed the hardest of all.  It was so embarrassing for James and Mondo to actually forget the motto after they rehearsed it the night before.

JESSIE: (now an odd shade of purple) FORGET THE MOTTO ?!? What does the author mean, forget the motto ?!! JAMES WOULD NEVER FORGET THE MOTTO!!! *hurls popcorn at the screen*

CAT: Easy, Jess, this isn’t Rocky Horror night-

JESSIE: That Mondo person, maybe, but JAMES? NEVER!!!

SPIKE: Hey, if Mondo is one of Team Rocket’s people, and James and Meowth seem to know him, why don’t you?

JESSIE: I’ve been stuck up here for the past year and a half, that’s why!

CAT: I don’t think Cyberwulf knows him either . . . it’s kind of hard to watch Pokemon in the middle of a laboratory session.

  “Come on, I think we can still get away!” James said to Mondo, who was bright red with embarrassment.

  “Growlithe, use ember attack! 

CAT: (in disbelief) Ember attack?! Ember attack is a useless attack!

JESSIE: Yes, I mean, if you’re going to attack a balloon that’s hovering one hundred feet up in the air, you really should use Fire Blast, or something that might have a chance of actually *hitting* the target.

Now!” Officer Jenny commanded.

  “GRRRRRRRRRRRROWLITH!”  Growlithe threw embers at the Meowth balloon, which shook and shook until Meowth puked all over the street.

SPIKE: And presumably all over the people below.

GILES: Why would the balloon shake if flames were being fired at it? Surely it would just explode.

Then it broke into flames

CAT: (as stricken 1930’s news reporter) Oh, the humanity!

and caused all the valuables except for three measly pokeballs to fall back into the Jamassia City citizens’ hands.

SPIKE: Their puke-covered hands.

  “IT LOOKS LIKE THE NEW TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF!”

JESSIE: (as loud annoying salesperson) New Team Rocket! 99% crappier than Team Rocket Classic!

ALL: *stare*

JESSIE: Hey, they threw me off the team, remember? I’m entitled to be bitter.

James, Mondo and Meowth yelled over the roar of the flaming balloon.

  The balloon landed in a nearby lake near the Team Rocket headquarters.  Everything was soaked and singed, including James and Mondo.

GILES: Yes, we gathered that when you said ‘Everything was soaked and singed’.

CAT: Redundant half-sentence number one!

  “I can’t believe you’d do such a thing!” James exclaimed.  “You forgot the motto!  You actually forgot the motto?  Jessie would never do such a thing!”

  “Hey, at least we got us some loot,” Mondo pointed out.

CAT: When did Mondo start talking like he belongs in da ’hood?

GILES: (as Mondo, as Chris Rock) We got us some loot! I’m gonna drop me a bomb!

  The three pokeballs bobbed in the water.

  “How’s about we bring these to the boss so we can get a nice fat juicy PAYCHECK and I can get a nice fat juicy FISH!  YUM!”

SPIKE: (as Meowth) How’s about I start using CAPITALS for EMPHASIS until it looks like I’m SHOUTING?!

Meowth licked his chops hungrily.  His mouth watered just thinking about the fish he thought he was going to get.

  James scooped up the pokeballs.  “Who cares what they are?” he asked.  “Even if they’re three Rattitas we still stole something!”  He ran out of the lake with Mondo and Meowth.

JESSIE: Rat-tit-a ? Never heard of it.

SPIKE: Rattita, the boobalicious Pokemon!

GILES: *puts his head in his hands*

CAT: (soothingly, patting Giles on the back) I know, I know.

  “Pokeball, go!” Giovanni said as he threw the stolen pokeball.

SPIKE: Into the trash.

  Out came a Polywhirl.  The next one held a Scyther, and the third one had— can you believe it?  An Azumarill! 

“Excellent work, James and Mondo.  Good riddance, I tell you.  Jessie is gone, and you’re winning!  I always knew it was that girl’s fault!”

JESSIE: (annoyed) Hey!

CAT: Automatic red card offence! Where’s Graham Poll when you need him?

  “It was just a fluke, a stroke of good luck!” Mondo argued back.

  “You know, it’s a damn shame we didn’t pair up James with Mondo when we had the chance,” Giovanni continued. 

SPIKE: No it’s not, really it’s not. That’s all we’d need, yet another slashy Team Rocket pairing for the demented lemon writers out there.

CAT: Who’s to say it hasn’t already been done?

ALL: *shudder*

“With Jessie around, there wasn’t as much destruction as there will be caused. 

GILES: Does that sentence even make sense?

James and Mondo will have a permanent partnership until that little ‘dream team’

CREW: *All sing theme from ‘Dream Team’*

Jessie puts together fails and she’ll be begging to return!

JESSIE: (getting worked up again) BEG ?!?! ME ??!?!

HAHAHAHAHA!  That dream team will need pure luck to battle my secret army of RocketMen.”

SPIKE: RocketMen? He’s got a secret army of what now?

GILES: Something to do with Elton John, perhaps?

CAT: Pure luck? Surely what they’d need to battle a secret army would be something along the lines of incredible strength, impeccable soldiering skills, magic powers or a nuclear arsenal? 

  Meanwhile, the night James and Mondo were conversing over Ditto, Jessie was having the time of her life

JESSIE: (sings) I’ve, had, the time of my life, and I’ve never felt this way before . . .

about to go on her first mission with Myotismon.

GILES: Is that some sort of disease?

All she needed was to fit in.

JESSIE: Don’t we all . . .

CREW: *All ponder this important philosophical point.*

  “I like the costume,” she said to MM. 

GILES: MM?

SPIKE: Marhall Mathers?

JESSIE: Monster Munch?

CAT: Mighty Max?

“Mine, that is.  Still, yours is pretty cool too.  Can I stay in the Team Rocket uniform?”

  “No,” MM replied.  “To be part of my elite team, you must fit in!  And to fit in, you need a change of costume.  And attitude. 

CAT: Does Myotismon remind anyone else of Mojo Jojo?

SPIKE: (as Myotismon, as Mojo Jojo) You will be part of my elite team! And the elite team you will be part of will be mine! It will belong to me, and no-one else, for I am Myo Jojomon!

To be part of my elite team, you must be one with the digi villains!  And not Demidevimon.”

  “HHEEEEEYYYYYY!” Demidevimon complained.  “I’ve been your servant ever since I hatched, Myotismon!  And all you ever do is treat those Bakemon

CAT: Bake-mon? Why not Roast-mon, or Broil-mon? Or Fry-mon?

SPIKE: Fry-mon, with the power to clog your arteries and give you heart disease!

and Gatomon and not to mention Red here

JESSIE: Red? Me? My hair’s pink!

GILES: Demidevimon doesn’t know his colours yet, apparently.

with respect that you shoulda given ME!”

  “SHUT UP!” Myotismon shouted at his henchman.  “Behold, your new chew toy!”  Dozens of bats flew out from under his cape

JESSIE: That’ll teach him to dust more often.

and at Demidevimon.

  “Eep!” squeaked Demidevimon.  Then he flew away with the bats chasing him.

  “There’s more where that came from,” said Myotismon.  “As I was saying, you must be one with the digi villain.  Enough about stealing pokemon.  With me, it’s all about destroying digi-destined and taking over all worlds.”  Jessie started to blush as they looked into each other’s eyes. 

SPIKE: Lemon alert! Lemon alert!

CAT: Man the battle stations! Mister Jessie, prepare the sick bags!

“Forget the twerps, Jessie.  Or should I say, LadyMyotismon?”

  “Oh no,” said Jessie.  “I’m not up for changing my name. 

JESSIE: Yeah, I’d never change my name, oh, say, from Musashi to Jessie . . .

Yet.  All I need is to join your team.  And is Demidevimon always a pest like that?  He’s a pest, isn’t he?”  She started to blush again.  “Are you always like this towards him?  Are you… single?”

CAT: Hold on tight, everyone! I’m taking us to LemCon Four!

  “No time for interrogations, Jessie, your one-ness with the digi villains has just begun.  Let me see you.”

  Jessie reluctantly stood up straight as MM circled around her, eyeing her and seeing if she had the right stuff

SPIKE: *sniggering* I’ll bet he did!

like she said she had.

  “You’re perfect,” he finally said to Jessie.  “You have the looks of a true supervillain.”

  “Really?”  Jessie was flattered.  Not even James had said that about her.  Then again, he always screwed up, and the screw-ups overshadowed his good looks. 

SPIKE: Oh God! Oh God! *hides under seat*

GILES: What’s the matter now?

SPIKE: I’m hiding from impending Rocket/Digimon four way action!

MM was cuter than James ever was and almost never screwed up.

CAT: Anyone else get the feeling the author doesn’t know a lot of synonyms?

  “To be one with the digi villain,” said MM, “you must be powerful.  Always be ready with another attack.  Show no sympathy for henchmen who screw up. 

CAT: Again with the screw up. Can’t the author use a different expression?

JESSIE: Like what?

GILES: Mess up, make mistakes, err, botch it, drop the ball, are the weakest links . . .

SPIKE: What did you do, eat a thesaurus before you came out?

And terrorize any humans who come your way.  The hour of terror is already upon us!”

JESSIE: What, midnight?

  “What, midnight?” Jessie wondered.

ALL: *hum Twilight Zone music*

  “Yes, midnight is the time to strike.  The real world is full of unsuspecting humans,” MM replied.  “I will return for the rest of your lesson! 

CAT: Mr. Walker’s history lesson!

SPIKE: (as Mr. Walker) Yeah, now that’s an interesting point – underline that. That’s a good way of putting it. I should be Professor of History at UCD. I’ve got an inferiority complex because I don’t have a title or any numbers after my name . . .

GILES: What was that?

JESSIE: The Spider Mastermind’s two cents, I think.

And watch Demidevimon; he tends to get into trouble all the time.”  He turned and left the room, ready to strike and feed on the blood of innocent humans.

SPIKE: Like me! Well, if I had this bloody chip out of my head . . .

  When Myotismon was gone, Jessie was totally clueless about what to do.  Oh my god, what do I do?

JESSIE: (as herself, as Valley girl) Oh my God, I’m like sooo totally clueless! Oh, I broke a nail! Like, wow, like, what-EVURRR!

She thought.  I have never been asked to do something like this before.  What if I screw up?

GILES: There’s that bloody expression again . . .

  What if I’m no good?  What if what’s-his-name hates what I do?

  Her thoughts were interrupted by Demidevimon flying into the room where Jessie was.  There were no bats chasing him.  “I outflew them before they disappeared.

CAT: He explained, even though Jessie hadn’t asked about the bats . . .

JESSIE: New improved Demidevimon, with the ability to read minds and anticipate your every question!

Master’s feeding time, I bet?” he asked Jessie.  “He does that every night, I tell ya!  Once a day?  Feels like once a year to me,

JESSIE: What does he mean by that? It’s like his birthday, or Christmas? He looks forward to it?

GILES: Well, it takes all sorts . . .

what with all the torture and the everything else and the chew toy and the attacking!”

CAT: (as Tim-Nice-But-Dim) What a thoroughly bloody nice bloke!

  “He told me all about you, Demidevimon.  You get into trouble all the time,” said Jessie, narrowing her eyes.  “I mean, what’s-his-name

GILES: You know, if they’re going to try and make this romance credible, it would be handy if Jessie could remember Myotismon’s name.

CAT: (in disbelief) We don’t want it to be credible! We don’t want it at all!

GILES: Yes, but all the same . . .

SPIKE: Oho, into that sort of thing are you, Rupert?

GILES: (sarcastically) Yes, Spike, I’m all about anime porn.

must really hate you if he keeps referring to you as a chew toy.”

  “My-OH-tis-mon, My-OH-tis-mon,” Demidevimon kept saying, putting huge stress on the “OH”  “OH the pain, OH the endurance, OH the agony of it all! 

GILES: What’s Doctor Smith doing down there?

You can’t say the master’s name without saying ‘OH!’  OH that hurts!”

  “Now hold on a minute.  What’s with the stuff on torture and hurting?” asked Jessie.  “Myotismon’s really nice! (and cute).”

SPIKE: If Jessie doesn’t stop talking about how nice and cute Myotismon is, I’m gonna puke green things!

JESSIE: *You’re* going to puke?

  “Oh, ya got it all wrong, Red,” said Demidevimon.  “He’s the worst worst worst of the worst!  He’s a fiend

SPIKE: If I knew the lines to ‘Fiend’ by Coal Chamber, I’d sing it. But I don’t.

CAT: O…kay…

SPIKE: It’s a crap song, anyway. The lead singer sounds like he’s some sort of demented frog being squeezed into a microphone.

GILES: Just like Shakira, then.

who you don’t want to get on the bad side of.  And he’s all bad side.  You got lucky, Red. Very lucky.”

JESSIE: Demidevimon will be lucky to have any wings left if he doesn’t stop. Calling. Me. RED!!!

So who was right?  Jessie thought MM was a total stud who loved her and really wanted her as part of his villain team, while Demidevimon thought of him as a demon who tortured his own henchmen. (A/N: I agree with both of them.  MM’s a stud with a bad attitude.)

SPIKE: Just like me! We could be twins!

GILES: What, so you’re two-dimensional all of a sudden?

SPIKE: Are you riffing my riff?

GILES: Don’t blame me . . . (in husky voice) blame Ripper!

  “Nice try, because you’re just trying to get me on your side, then cause trouble and get away with it because you’re just jealous of me!”  Jessie started to get really mad for no reason.

CAT: Just like she always does, then.

JESSIE: Maybe I’m mad because he keeps calling me ‘Red’ when my hair is clearly PINK!

  “Me, jealous?  HA!  Red, you’re all right.”  Demidevimon flew off to get into a lot of trouble.  Jessie ran after him because she knew he’d get into a lot of mischief.  Not just mischief, but trouble. 

CAT: Why doesn’t she just let him go? Maybe he’d run under a bus or something.

SPIKE: Plot reasons, I suppose.

CAT: Plot holes, more like.

“You can’t catch me!”

  “THAT’S IT!  YOU’RE GOING DOWN!” Jessie screamed.  “Arbok, GO! Take care of the no-good creep!”

  “CHAAAAAAARBOK!”  Arbok flew out of his pokeball and grabbed Demidevimon in his mouth.

  “No, don’t eat me, please!” Demidevimon hollered from inside Arbok’s mouth.

CAT: Now why didn’t Arbok just swallow him?

  “Please, Red, I’ll do anything! Anything!  Just call off your snake!”

JESSIE: (as herself) Stop calling me Red!

GILES: (as Demidevimon, as beaten-up Ethan) Say pretty please. (Loders note: yeeee, the Halloween buffy ep again ;)) (kojiro’s note: oi! If you’re making notes, I am too!)

  “Fine!” Jessie said.  “Arbok, return and get that thing out of your mouth.  It’s just not worth it!”  Arbok returned to his pokeball.  “You said you’d do anything?  Well, how about this?”  She thought for a while, then finally said, “I want you to stay the hell away from me when Myotismon and I are together.”

JESSIE: Why not just, “Stay the hell away from me altogether?”

  “Done!”  Demidevimon flew off.

  “And while you’re at it, why don’t you get me a mirror to look at!” Jessie called after Demidevimon.

  “Too bad, the master hates mirrors!”  Demidevimon flew off.

  “And don’t you even think of leaving my sight,” Jessie reminded him. 

GILES: Hang on. Isn’t that directly contradicting what she just said?

CAT: Yeah, why would she want Demidevimon around at all? Let the stupid little thing wander off and get killed or eaten – it’s not like Myotismon cares about it …

JESSIE: Maybe they have a very complex relationship.

SPIKE: Like you and James.

JESSIE: *smirks* Like you and Vegeta!

SPIKE: *to ceiling* Damn you, Cyberwulf!

“Or else you want the snake to be sent on you again?”

  “T-th-th-the snake?  Oh sure.  I’ll stay here.  All I need to do is… er… go to the bathroom?”  DDM started flapping his wings as quickly as he could to escape Jessie and worse: her Arbok.  I might hate bats a lot, but I hate snakes even more! he

thought.

JESSIE: I hate Demidevimon already! Someone just kill it, please!

“Arbok, get at him again!”  She threw her pokeball and Arbok came out again.

“Oh… DEMI DART!”  Demidevimon threw a dart at Arbok, who Jessie took the shot for.  A syringe was in her arm and she was on the ground, but at least Jessie’s Arbok was all right.

SPIKE: Oh, and *that* makes *all* the difference . . .

  “CHHHAAAAA!”  Arbok, furious at Demidevimon for hurting Jessie, took advantage of the situation by putting Demidevimon in his mouth and clamping it shut. 

JESSIE: *punching the air* Yes! Eat the foul creature! Eat it! *laughs manically*

OTHERS: *edge away nervously*

His wings were still flapping furiously.

CAT: In Arbok’s mouth? I didn’t know it was so roomy.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!  CALL OFF YOUR SNAKE!  CALL OFF YOUR SNAKE!  IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S EVIL WON’T YOU PLEASE JUST CALL OFF YOUR SNAKE?!” pleaded DDM.

SPIKE: Deadly, deadly minefield?

CAT: Daring Danger Mouse?

GILES: Das deutches Madchen?

“Excellent work, Jessie,” said MM, appearing in the room.  “You kept that Demidevimon under control with your… er… snake.”

  “Arbok,” said Jessie.  “It’s a pokemon called Arbok.”

  “Your training continues,” said Myotismon, taking Jessie under his cape. 

SPIKE: *laughs crudely*

JESSIE: (as Mr. T) You got somethin’ ta say to me, bleach boy ?

SPIKE: (composes self, innocently) No, no, not at all.

Jessie called back her Arbok, and Demidevimon appeared on the floor, gasping to catch his breath.  “And Demidevimon, if you mess up again, the bats and the snake will be sent on you.”  He and Jessie walked off.

  “Yurgh… snakes… bats… I can’t stand much more of this!  I quit!”  Demidevimon tried to fly off as Gatomon appeared. (A/N: This is before Kari joined, remember?)

CAT: Pointless thing to tell us, really, because none of us know anything about Digimon . . .

CREW: *all stare at Giles*

GILES: *shrugs* I’m as in the dark as you are.

  “Oh thank God you’re here, Gatomon!  I need help!”

  “I coughed up furballs that look better than you now,” remarked Gatomon.

  “AW SHUT UP!  Can you tell the master I quit?”

JESSIE: Why doesn’t he just run away? Why let Myotismon know he’s gone at all? It’s not like he’s going to get some sort of severance package, is he?

  “No way, furball-mon. 

SPIKE: Oooh, furball-mon. That’s a great insult, that is. Why doesn’t Gatomon just call him an ass-ramming uncle-fu-

GILES: *clamps a hand over Spike’s mouth*

CAT: Thank you.

You’re stuck.  What’s the matter?  I like it just fine.”

  “New girl.  Name’s Jessie.  Redhead,

JESSIE: GAAAAAHHHH!!!! It’s pink! *tugs at hair* PINK! Pink dye number 35! Get it right!

CREW: *stare*

SPIKE: (smirking) Dye?

JESSIE: (arms folded, haughtily) Yes. Dye. You know, anime character? Ink and paint?

SPIKE: . . . I knew that.

about six feet tall,

JESSIE: (enraged again) I’m not six feet tall!!! If I was, I’d be some sort of strange, gigantic freak!

CAT: I don’t know, Jessie, you *are* taller than most of the guys on board . . .

JESSIE: Yes, but have you *seen* most of the guys on board?

CAT/JESSIE: *giggle derisively*

SPIKE: Oi!

blue eyes, a thing for Master Myotismon…”

SPIKE: I think Master Myotismon has a thing for her, if you know what I mean . . . *is hit with fan*

GILES: Do shut up, Spike. *hands fan back to Jessie*

  “You don’t say.  Tell me more.”

GILES/SPIKE: (as guys from Grease) Tell me more, tell me more, didja get very far?

JESSIE/CAT: (as girls from Grease) Tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car?

  “And she’s trained the snake from hell. 

GILES: . . . Jormangund?

SPIKE: (annoyed) Oh, stop showing off!

It nearly ate me twice!”

  “Is that all you know about her and the master?  What about the thing she has?”

JESSIE: (as Gatomon) Is it contagious?

  “That’s all I know.”

  “Well I wanna know more!” Gatomon demanded.  “And don’t come back until you got all the dirt on those two.”

  “What about the snake?”

  “I don’t care about the darn snake, I care about this love life you say there is!

SPIKE: (as televangelist) Save us, Lord! Save us from the evil of shippyness!

*attempts to set cinema screen on fire*

GILES: *wrestles lighter away from Spike*

  If you give me all the details I can blackmail the master into not torturing you…”

  “Done.”  Demidevimon flew off.  “And you better do the blackmailing because I’m not doing it this time!  Hmph!  Stupid Gatomon,” he muttered.  “Life is so unfair I think I’m gonna commit digicide someday.”

GILES: Digicide? So it’s going to kill another Digimon?

CAT: I think it means it’s going to kill itself.

GILES: Well then that would be suicide, not digicide.

CAT: Yeah, but even if it *is* killing itself, it could still count as digicide, because technically it would be killing a Digimon .

GILES: (flustered) Well – er – look , stop trying to be clever, all right? I have O levels! *Real* O levels, from back when they were hard, *and* I’ve been to Oxford, and – and – AND, I’m a qualified librarian. I *think* I know a little more about words than you do.

CAT: Very well. I bow to your infinite wisdom. (quietly, as Homer) Notti-notti-not. . .

  He flew right into a wall, then fluttered helplessly to the ground.  He was the perfect Meowth.  Hanging around just for the hell of it and maybe getting to dig up some dirt on the two villains.

JESSIE: . . . that *would* explain all the notebooks in Meowth’s basket. And the bugging equipment. And the secret cameras . . .

  The next night, Team Twerp and the digi-destined

JESSIE: How come Ash&Co. are “Team Twerp” but those other annoying brats are “the digi-destined”? Doesn’t seem fair, somehow.

SPIKE: It should be Team Twerp and the Digi Dorks.

CAT: (as DJ) Team Twerp and the Digi Dorks, at the Point Depot from the 31^st of May! Tickets available from TicketMaster and all usual outlets!

were conversing in the woods, comparing digis and pokies. 

GILES: And jiggery-pokery.

CAT: Ooh, pokery!

ALL: *poke Spike*

SPIKE: ’Ere! Cut it out! Stop taking advantage of my handicap! Would you do this to a chap in a wheelchair?!

Then there came a silent moment.

  “What was that?” asked Tai.

  “Why has everything suddenly gone so quiet?” asked Misty.

  “Pikapi!”  Pikachu was scared.

SPIKE: (as Pikachu, as Beavis) Peek-a-boo!

JESSIE: (as Ash, as Butthead) Pikachu, get your butt outa my face and into that bathroom!

CAT: *sighs* You could take them nowhere . . .

  The wind blew through the trees at a fast speed.  The kids started seeing eyes all over the place, as if there were all these strange creatures watching them. 

SPIKE: Another completely redundant thing to say!

CAT: Yeah, what else would be watching them, in a forest, in Jhoto, at night?

JESSIE: Hillbillies?

GILES: *hums theme from Deliverance*

Everything was blanketed in darkness as the fire they had went out.

  Agumon clutched onto Tai’s shorts leg.  “What should I do?” he asked.  “The wind’s so strong it’ll put out my fire!”

  Ash trhew a pokeball.

JESSIE: Ash did what?

GILES: To be fair, this *is* the first spelling error we’ve come across.

SPIKE: *snerks*(Loders note: ooh, irony :P)(kojiro’s note: I think that was on purpose :p snerking is possible.. *snerks*) Except for Rat-tit-a.

  “Charrizard, GO!  Get rid of those eyes and create a new fire!”

  Charrizard appeared from the pokeball.  The wind blew so hard it howled. 

SPIKE: And then it growled, then whimpered, and finally rolled over and played dead.

CAT: That was really cheap, Spike.

SPIKE: (camp) I know, I feel so dirty . . .

And his tail fire almost blew out.  “RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRR!”  He tried to light the fire, but it wouldn’t work.

  “Oh no!” Ash exclaimed.  “Charrizard, return!”  Charrizard went back into his pokeball and was thankful to do so.  No pokemon wanted to escape their pokeballs.  Nothing was going to help the twerps and the digi-destined now.

SPIKE: (as Josh) Okay, here’s your motivation! You’re lost, you’re angry in the woods, there’s no one here to help you! There’s a witch, and she left some trinkets outside our camp, you took one of them, and now she’s after us. There’s no one here to help you! We walked for fifteen hours today and ended up in the same place! There’s NO ONE here to help you! That’s your motivation! That’s your motivation!

OTHERS: *edge away*

CAT: That settles it, no more horror films for you before bedtime!

This time, the wind blew around everyone and howled more.  Anything could happen when things were so dark.  Thunder and lightning boomed and flashed all over the place, but there was no rain.  Shapes cast by the trees just added to the scariness of the situation.

SPIKE: And then the Blair Witch took them!

JESSIE: (as Misty, as Heather) Hello? Hello? It’s all around us . . .

  “Sora, I don’t like this at all!” Biyomon exclaimed.

  “me neither,” added Palmon.

  “That’s funny because it’s not like this in Jhoto all the time,” said Brock.  “Is it?”

  “Not before we arrived, TWERPS!” a voice that sounded like Jessie’s exclaimed.

CAT: Myotismon controls the weather?

  “That sounds like Jessie!” Ash exclaimed.  “Just what we need now.  Another successful battle with Team Rocket.  I tell you, anyone can win against those guys!”

  “But I’m not with James or Meowth anymore, TWERPS!”

SPIKE: (as Jessie, tearful) We broke up… they were such animals… they never treated me with any respect… (sobs)

JESSIE: *rolls eyes*

Jessie told the twerps and the digi-destined.  “And you guys with the twerps.”

  “Nice try, Jessie,” said Misty.  “You’re just trying to get us all scared and stuff and that’s when James and Meowth show up to—“

GILES: Perform an amusing re-enactment of a Monty Python routine.

  “Red’s right,” said a strange voice.

  “Shut up, you!”  There came the sounds of whacking something on the head after Jessie yelled at him.

  Everything went silent until the bright red moon

SPIKE: The moon’s turned into blood! It’s Judgement Day!

CAT: Why are *you* putting in a Bible reference? I thought you were a creature of Hell!

SPIKE: Well, the thing about that is- *points* Look over there!

CAT: *turns to where he’s pointing* Where?

SPIKE: *hides under seat*

was the only source of light.  Then there came more and more light

GILES: (as televangelist) And the Lord said, “Let there be light!” And it was good!

until there came black smoke that flooded the area.

  “What— who are they?” asked all the digi-destined.

  The smoke started to clear up, and the twerps, digi-destined and digimon could make out three shapes.  Two were familiar to the digimon characters and one was vaguely familiar to the pokemon.  Jessie’s dream team of villains.  She was one of them.  Or was she?

CAT: (as D’Unbelieveables) Will you make up your mind, will you? How much is dis, how much is dat . . .

  “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!  I’d like you all to prepare for trouble!”

  “Yes, and make it double!”

  “To bring all worlds absolute devastation!”

JESSIE: *chokes on her ridiculously overpriced popcorn*

  “To attack all peoples within all nations!”

JESSIE: (sobs) Not the motto! Not again! They’re butchering it!

CAT: (soothingly) There, there. Here, sit in Giles’ lap.

JESSIE: *climbs into Giles’ lap, clings to his jumper, still sobbing* (Loders note: nah, no imposing self on Jesse here from Cyberwulf, no, not at all :P) (kojiro’s note: nothing wrong with a self insert… I’d have thought you’d agree, alex :p)

  “To fill all worlds with hate, not love!”

  “To take all over worlds to the stars above!”

JESSIE: (pointing angrily at screen) I refuse to believe that that’s me!

GILES: Oh, calm down, it’s only fanfic.

JESSIE: Don’t you tell me to calm down! *smacks Giles with fan*

GILES: (annoyed) You can get out of my lap, then!

JESSIE: (angrily) Fine, I will! *flounces into her own seat*

  The smoke started to clear.

  “Jessie!”  Jessie struck a pose in her new change of costume.

  “Myotismon!” MM did the same, only his costume never changed.

CAT: (as Cordelia) Ha- that outfit is *so* last season. You supervillains have *the* worst dress sense *sees Jessie glaring* uh, present company excepted, of course . . .

  “Team Rocket-mon, attack twerps and digi-destined at the speed of light!”

  “Surrender now or it’ll be your last fight!”

  “DEMI DART!”  Demidevimon flew out in front of the two and attacked the ground.  “That’s right!”

  Jessie was truly one with the digi villains.  Her costume had changed from the Team Rocket uniform to something that looked like a digimon villain’s.  She had a red cape with a snake clasp attached to her black uniform. 

SPIKE: So she was wearing a trash bag, basically.

CAT: Along with a red sheet and a cheap snake thing from a pound shop.

That uniform looked like a cross between what MM wore and the TR uniform, only it was red instead of blue.

GILES: I thought they said it was black a minute ago!

JESSIE: (as annoyingly loud salesperson) All new Chameleon Uniforms TM! Change colour instantly! No reason required!

  “I’m one with the digi villains now, twerps!  You’re gonna have to try harder than you usually do to defeat me!”

  Ash and the digi-destined

JESSIE: So Misty and Brock just vanished, then.

SPIKE: The Blair Witch got them!

GILES: (as Ash, as Mike) I hear him! He’s in the basement!

CAT: (as Misty, as Heather) *random screaming and sobbing*

where going to see if Jessie was still the screw-up they thought she was, or if she really was one with the digi villains.

(The fic segment ends. The buzzer sounds, alerting the riffers that the emergency exits are now working. The crew get up and stretch.)

GILES: Oh, God, I need a drink . . .

JESSIE: *holding tuft of hair* It’s pink! Pink! Not red!

CAT: Just be thankful we don’t have to sit through all eighteen chapters of this at once . . .(Loders note: *coughs pointedly*)(kojiro’s note: like you’ve read them all :p)

(All exit the theatre.)