This
section MST’d by Cyberwulf and the Spider Mastermind.
(Vegeta stomps into the theatre. Giles strides in after him, followed by Meowth, with James trailing behind, complaining loudly.)
JAMES: Why do *I* have to be here? I don’t know anything about Digimon!
VEGETA: Sit down and shut up! This is bad enough without having to listen to your constant whining as well!
GILES: I’m still not convinced this isn’t some sort of acid flashback…
(Meowth selects the most comfy-looking lap – James’ – and settles into it.)
MEOWTH: Don’t mind me. I’m just gonna take forty winks. Wake me when de chapter’s over.
JAMES: Oh no you don’t! *stands up, dumping Meowth on the floor.*
MEOWTH: Hey! *clambers sulkily into the seat next to James.*
A/N: Was written while very high on sugar!!!
GILES: (as himself, drunk) Oh wonderful ...
Strange things are also going on at the TR HQ with digimon being kidnapped instead of pokemon, including a Darktyrannomon. As well as the TRMon HQ.
JAMES: The TRMon HQ got kidnapped too?
I thought this up a long time ago and was anxious to write this one. Now my dream comes true.
GILES: She doesn’t have a lot of ambitions, does she?
VEGETA: Somebody needs a better imagination.
And for that MORON with a capital “M”
MEOWTH: Looks more like a moron wit’ a capital M,O,R,O,N ta me!
who flamed me,
VEGETA: James, have you been writing nasty reviews at fanfiction.net again?
HE IS TOO A CHAMPION!!
JAMES: The moron’s a champion?
What, did that character guide brainwash you???!!!
VEGETA: How would you wash brains?
MEOWTH: I dunno, but I tink Spike’s usin’ de ‘soak in peroxide’ method.
I repeat for the world to hear: MYOTISMON IS NOT AN ULTIMATE! HE IS A CHAMPION! SO THERE! >_<
ALL: *lean back a little*
GILES: We take your word for it!
JAMES: No need to get mad…
VEGETA: *mutters* Well, I could *still* beat him in a fight…
Chapter 7
Digi See Erika Domino? (or you can also call it Thank God For Bakemon…)
MEOWTH: But why would you want to?
GILES: How about calling it, “The Final Chapter in this Fic, Only Two Lines Long!”
VEGETA: Because that would be too easy.
That same day, the Bakemon were all ecstatic about the latest pokemon capture.
GILES: Hopping up and down with glee, they were…
JAMES: Bake-mon? Why not Roast-mon, or –
GILES: We already did this joke!
JAMES:…really?
GILES: Yes, about five chapters ago.
JAMES: Well couldn’t we do it again, just for fun?
VEGETA: (angrily) The joke’s been done, all right? Think of something else to say! It’s not enough to just copy other people’s stuff, you have to be original! And if you can’t be original, then keep quiet.
JAMES: (sulkily) You always spoil everything I do…
The Drowzee was working, which meant even more pokemon and digimon. But there was still that matter of the eighth child, who just happened to be in Jamassia City. (A/N: What? Maybe the Kamiya’s would have been on vacation if Tai didn’t have those digis to fight.)
GILES: Does any of that mean anything to anyone?
MEOWTH: Wulf and Spider don’t watch Digimon, so no.
VEGETA: Kamiya? If that green imbecile Piccolo shows up in this, so help me…*clenches fists on armrests, which shatter*
ALL: *lean away*
So the twerps and digi-destined were searching for the eighth child as well with the help of the pokies and digis they had left.
JAMES: But I thought they lost all their pokemon and digimon a few chapters ago!
MEOWTH: Dey’ve still got de crappy ones left, like Psyduck.
GILES: Psyduck’s not a “crappy” pokemon!
VEGETA: Misty’s Psyduck is.
GILES: No it isn’t! Misty’s Psyduck is . . . special.
VEGETA: Yeah, it rides the special bus to school, along with Jessie’s Wobbuffet and James’ Victreebel.
That is, every pokie and digi except Agumon and Pikachu.
Enough about the good guys.
VEGETA/JAMES/MEOWTH: *cheer*
JAMES: That’s just what *I’ve* been saying all series!
MEOWTH: No more twoips! Time fer Team Rocket ta get some action!
VEGETA: TV shows would be a lot more entertaining if they cut out the heroes and just showed the villains. Or better yet, showed the villains cutting the heroes…
GILES: *slinks lower in his seat and tries to look invisible*
Jenny was finally going to take her leave. How? We are going to find out soon.
It was the day after the battle with the RocketMen and the disaster at the Leviathan Gym. Jenny knew it was her chance to get Jessie back into Team Rocket before the world was destroyed… or worse.
GILES: Worse? How could anything be worse than the world being destroyed?
VEGETA: All music except boyband pop rubbish is outlawed.
ALL: *shudder*
She had the plan figured out in one hour.
“Slave girl!” Jessie called out.
GILES: (as Jenny, as Anakin) I’m a person, and my name’s Jenny!
JAMES: I suppose Jessie *really* likes slave girls…
VEGETA: (pressing “Stop” on a Dictaphone) Now *that* will cost you.
“I need you for something!”
Jenny ran through the corridors before she found Jessie and a bunch of other members of TRMon, including MM. Jessie was holding out her snake laser thing.
“I need more new ammunition for this thing,” said Jessie.
JAMES: (as Jenny) We’re all out of New Ammunition. Is Ammunition Original okay?
GILES: (as Jessie, pouting) Oh, very well. But I’m not happy about it!
“The laser’s halfway run out and I need it for tonight!”
GILES: Malcolm Reed would be very disappointed in you, Jessie.
JAMES: She should let the laser run all the way out before she recharges it, otherwise she’ll damage the battery.
MEOWTH: Dat’s mobile phones, ya idiot!
“What’s tonight?” asked Jenny, anxious to see Jessie leave.
“Oh wait! I think I forgot.
JAMES: She *thinks* she forgot? You either forget something or you don’t.
It might be Corinthia City, but I’m not too sure…” Jessie walked off to try to remember as some other henchmen went off to try to remember
what Team Rocket Mon was going to invade that night.
VEGETA: So *nobody* knows what they’re going to invade? They’re as disorganised as the Ginyu Force!
GILES: Shouldn’t that be *where* they’re going to invade?
MEOWTH: Maybe dey’re plannin’ invasive surgery on sometin’.
Jenny was left alone with MM.
Some strange feeling overcame Jenny,
GILES: That’ll teach her to eat leftover curry for breakfast.
VEGETA:
(as Jenny) *farts*
OTHERS: AAAGGHHH!
JAMES: *turns green*
MEOWTH: (as Stan) Dude, weak!
as if she had a crush on him. No, it couldn’t be. Humans can’t have crushes on digimon.
MEOWTH: She obviously ain’t been payin’ attention to de whole Jessie/Myotismon ting.
GILES: None of us are paying much attention to it. It’s too disturbing.
She looked and tried not to make eye contact with anything. It was impossible. Bakemon were everywhere, and their beady little eyes could have bore holes in her from staring.
JAMES: Their eyes had bore holes in them?
MEOWTH: I tink she means ‘bored holes’.
GILES: ‘Bored holes’? Makes a change from plot holes, anyway…
VEGETA: This story better pick up soon, I’m a bored Saiyan!
What was about to happen?
VEGETA: How are we supposed to know? Ask the author!
JAMES: Assuming the author even knows…
Jenny looked, as if something were horribly wrong with the way MM looked. There was nothing wrong, but just to be sure… It was preparation for what was yet to come. Jessie would leave. If Gatomon hadn’t been watching, Jessie would have left.
GILES: Is it me, or was that last sentence a desperately random thing to say?
JAMES: Don’t look at me, I haven’t a clue what’s going on!
MEOWTH: So what else is new?
Jessie’s footsteps were faintly coming down the corridor. “I remember now, Jenny! It’s Corinthia City, all right! Now come on! Fix my snake laser!”
JAMES: I thought it was just low on ammunition! Now it’s broken all of a sudden?
GILES: I’m not entirely certain the author read over this before posting it…
VEGETA: (sarcastically) How lucky we are that you’re here to tell us these things.
Jenny knew it was her chance. “I think the battles you fight might be a bit hard on you,” she said. Not to Jessie, either.
MEOWTH: Den why didn’t she just write ‘…” she said to Myotismon’?!?!
GILES: I refer you to my previous comment.
“What do you mean, slave?” asked Myotismon.
“Well…” Jenny began, suddenly feeling intimidated but then realizing this was for the world’s own good. She began to lie. “I think there’s dirt or something somewhere that you didn’t notice before. As a slave girl, I must get it off.”
JAMES: (as Rick) That sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke!
GILES: Such a shame none of us can think of anything.
Jessie’s footsteps grew closer. MM, who thought he had better things to do than lean forward for a slave girl, did so anyway. For the appearance in Corinthia City.
“Closer… I don’t think I can get it,” Jenny lied.
Jessie and MM both drew closer.
VEGETA: Wait a minute! Jessie just magically reappeared back in the room?
MEOWTH: Maybe Jenny and Jessie are de same poyson.
GILES: AAGGHH! Jessie is Jenny! Jenny is Jessie! *falls off seat and curls into a little ball, rocking back and forth*
VEGETA: What’s *his* problem?
GILES: (muttering insanely) I’m not a murderer, I’m not a murderer, I’m not a murderer… it was the only way – BUFFY! NOOOO!
JAMES: Are you quite finished?
GILES: (suddenly normal) Yes, yes, just a sec, be right with you… *curls back into ball* I’m not a murderer, I’m not a murderer, I’m not a murderer…
MEOWTH: *makes ‘crazy’ gesture*
Finally, reluctantly yet being urged to do it,
JAMES: Being urged by who?
MEOWTH: I’m guessin’ da voices in her head.
ALL: *sing ‘Guilty Conscience’ by Eminem*
Jenny leaned forward and then KISSED HIM! RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF JESSIE!
ALL: AAAAGGGGHHHH! *dive under seats*
JAMES: Lemon Alert! Code Blue! Code Blue!
VEGETA: Duck and cover!
MEOWTH: All hands brace fer impact!
GILES: Put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye!
OTHERS: *stare*
GILES: (sheepish) It was the best I could come up with, sorry!
Jessie had entered the room just as Jenny the slave girl was kissing Myotismon.
VEGETA: If I was Myotismon, I would put that BITCH through a wall! *gets up and shouts at imaginary Jenny* Yo, what the FUCK you at? *rips up seat and flings it across the room*
OTHERS: *try not to look like targets*
For real.
JAMES: Not faking it, because you wouldn’t want to mess with an evil champion Digimon’s emotions, no sir.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!” Jessie screamed.
GILES: Much like the readers.
She was just mortified about this. A slave girl was chosen over her??!!! She started crying and then ran out of the room. Gatomon dashed after her. Jenny ran away just in time.
MEOWTH: Just in time fer what?
Gatomon found Jessie in her Team Rocket uniform, crying her heart out.
VEGETA: Blood and chunks of ventricle tricked down her face…
OTHERS: *grimace*
She had left the Team Rocket Mon headquarters. She had changed because she wanted to return to Team Rocket, where there were no slave girls or traitors. There was James, at least.
“Jessie? What’s wrong?” Gatomon jumped on her head
MEOWTH: Crushed her neck, and killed her.
and started purring.
“Jenny,” said Jessie. “I was kept around here because of Arbok!
GILES: But she just said Jenny was the problem…
Arbok’s the reason I was welcomed into this place, and if I didn’t have Arbok I’d just be kicked out of this place and put back into Team Rocket and everything like that!
VEGETA: Everything like Team Rocket? What’s like Team Rocket?
JAMES: (striking pose) *Nothing* is like Team Rocket!
MEOWTH: (also striking pose) Yeah! We’re number one! We’re number one!
VEGETA/GILES: *roll eyes*
Instead, that suck-up Jenny was looking for her pokemon and was welcomed into here for no reason. And then she makes out with the one I had a crush on!” She started crying again.
“She wanted to get rid of you,” said Gatomon. “I heard the whole thing being planned by her and Demidevimon. That PITA
GILES: Demidevimon’s a sort of bread, now?
MEOWTH: Not pita, P.I.T.A. Pain In The Ass.
GILES: …I knew that.
MEOWTH: *makes ‘Loser’ sign*
GILES: I *do* know what *that* means!
MEOWTH: Eep!
wanted to get rid of you more than she did. He thinks you’re a no good creep.”
Jessie looked at Gatomon. “What? So it was a fluke and I should stay?”
“Yeah,” said Gatomon. “And I think you still have a shot at some romance here.
VEGETA: Remind me why Gatomon even cares, again?
GILES: *shrugs*
MEOWTH: Dunno.
JAMES: I forget.
You’re beautiful and don’t take any crap from anyone! Jenny was just trying to trick you into leaving. Really, Jenny’s just an impostor who doesn’t have any pokemon at all! She should be the one being tricked into leaving.”
GILES: Why trick her? Why don’t they just *kill* her?
OTHERS: *stare at him as if he’s just blasphemed the Almighty*
VEGETA: Villains never just *kill* the heroes! It takes time, and planning…
JAMES: Complicated schemes which are doomed to failure…
MEOWTH: Futuristic gadgets dat can be made ta turn on each other usin’ only a pencil sharpener…
GILES: …sorry I asked.
“Really?” said Jessie. She started to head back. “Well two can play at that game.”
ALL: *sing ‘Two Can Play That Game’ by Bobby Brown*
MEOWTH: Unless de game is Solitare.
“How?” asked Gatomon.
“You’ll see,” she replied. “I’m still wearing the Team Rocket uniform even if it means I am being a traitor…”
“Jenny, I am so sorry about what happened yesterday,” lied Jessie, unaware that some neutral Bakemon were watching.
JAMES: Are these the same Bakemon who were everywhere, boring holes in people with their eyes from staring at them not three pages ago, to the extent that Jenny couldn’t look anywhere without seeing them?
VEGETA:
Maybe Jessie’s wearing blinkers.
GILES: Or they’re
behind her. (to Meowth) No pantomime jokes, please!
MEOWTH: How’d ya know?
“I’m afraid we got off on the wrong foot after you joined.”
Jenny narrowed her eyes. “Yeah right.”
“I’m serious,” said Jessie. “I actually wish to say I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused for you, slave girl. All that snake-laser polishing… anyway, MM is yours.”
MEOWTH: Ha ha! (as Saddam Hussein) You’re really fucked now!
GILES: Meowth!
VEGETA: I thought her nickname for Myotismon was Myo?
JAMES: First she was restocking the laser ammunition. Then suddenly she’s fixing the laser. Then she’s polishing it…
GILES: Oh, don’t let a little thing like continuity error bother you – it didn’t bother the Buffy writers at all this season. (mutters) Forget I ever existed for ten episodes, will they…
MEOWTH: *slashes Giles’ face* No spoilers! *sees Ripper Glare* Yikes! *hides under seat*
“What the hell are you talking about?” asked Jenny.
“After you and he made out the other day?”
“That wasn’t it! I was just… er… just trying out a new attack technique.”
GILES: That’s what they all say…
VEGETA: (as Doctor Dre) Maybe there’s a reasonable explanation for this shit!
MEOWTH: (as Eminem) What, she tripped, fell, and landed on his-
JAMES: *clamping a hand over Meowth’s mouth* Shh!
“You know… well, I think we better form our own alliance because Team Rocket Mon is just too good for me. It’s kind of too powerful. You should be where I am. You can even be my… friend.”
Jenny lightened up. “Really?” she asked.
GILES: She’s *trusting* her?!
VEGETA: Worse than those stupid people in horror films who wander off alone down the dark alleys…
MEOWTH: Or have showers when dey know dere’s people tryin’ ta kill dem…
“Yes,” Jessie replied slyly. Gatomon, who was also there, nodded in agreement. “You can be my friend and take my place as one of the primary members of Team Rocket Mon. I even have a little thing to make it official.
MEOWTH: What kinda thing?
VEGETA: Two words: ‘sex’ and ‘toy’.
GILES: (disgusted) Was that *really* necessary?
VEGETA: (nodding enthusiastically) Yeah.
Follow me.”
Jenny followed Jessie down a corridor until she entered one room.
MEOWTH: Instead a’ enterin’ two or three, like she usually did.
GILES: I did that quite often back in ’76. And for most of ’77. Can’t quite figure out why…
In it was a bunch of stuff, including an open casket
VEGETA: (bored) Oh, I *wonder* what they’re going to do with *that*.
for some reason.
“She’s eating it up like a fish,” said Gatomon silently.
JAMES: Meaning, it didn’t say it at all. It just thought it.
MEOWTH: Or, it just moved its lips.
“Just wait over there and I’ll give it to you,” said Jessie, guiding Jenny right towards that casket until she was just close enough.
VEGETA: Dumbass, Jenny! Time to get a brain transplant!
JAMES: Or just get a brain.
“I will give it to you. You’ll suffocate with pleasure.”
“What?” Jenny asked.
“But hold the pleasure!” Jessie, full force, pushed Jenny right into the casket and shut it tightly, unaware of those sneaky Bakemon.
MEOWTH: Dey’re behind you!
GILES: What did I say?
MEOWTH: Aw, come on, dat was irresistible.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! One less slave to worry about. She should have never become a pokemon trainer in the first place!
VEGETA: And that’s relevant *why*?
Come on, Gatomon!”
Gatomon looked kind of dubious hearing the scratching and voices
JAMES: Voices? As in, there’s more than one person in there?
MEOWTH: Jessie must be tryin’ ta find out how many self-inclusion characters ya can fit in a casket.
from inside that casket. “Do you think it’s a good idea to go through with this? I mean, that’s what the master uses whenever he makes an appearance.”
GILES: And here I was, thinking Gatomon actually had doubts about murder…
“That’s the point, Gatomon,” said Jessie. “It’s all just a nasty prank.
JAMES: Leaving someone in a casket to suffocate to death is a ‘prank’, now?
MEOWTH: Maybe it’s a prank on Myotismon. Like snakes in a can, except it’s a body in a casket.
GILES: (as Jessie) Oh Myo-kins! Wanna open your casket?
VEGETA: (as Myotismon) Okay… Whoa! A dead body just fell out! Ha ha ha, did you put that there? I sure wasn’t expecting that!
I can’t believe that was just a fluke. What a sucker!”
“I heard that,” said Jenny’s muffled voice.
“Come on,” said Jessie to Gatomon. “I’m going to brainwash some pokemon
JAMES: More brainwashing. She’ll have dishpan hands soon!
MEOWTH: I didn’t know de second-in-command of a bad-guy outfit like Team Rocket Mon had ta do chores!
GILES: (as Jessie, washing brains) If only I hadn’t killed off that slave girl . . . she could do this for me!
VEGETA: (as Jessie, as Homer) Oh, these stubborn grass-stains!
and announce my triumphant return!” She left, and Gatomon scampered on behind her. Just then, the Bakemon appeared and heard what was going on.
MEOWTH: Dey hoid what was goin’ on? After dey’d walked away?
JAMES: New Improved Bakemon, with the ability to hear conversations after they’ve happened!
They had to fly off to help a slave girl.
VEGETA: Eh? I thought they were evil!
The Bakemon flew faster than they had ever flown before to the lowest and biggest room in the underground headquarters. Getting there, they had flown right through a prison cell containing Gyradoses, one accidentally hit the wall,
MEOWTH: Ain’t dey ghosts? Don’t dey just fly *through* walls?
and there was also a female Gengar who wanted some love…
GILES: (as female Gengar, as trailer park lady) Oh Bakemon honey! Mama needs lovin’!
but I won’t explain the details on that.
VEGETA: (as Baptist preacher) Praise de Lord!
“Master! Master!” The Bakemon finally flew into the gigantic room where MM was surveying the havoc thanks to a viewing orb.
JAMES: What havoc’s this again?
GILES: *leafs through last chapter* I think that’s all the people going around giving their pokemon and digimon to Myotismon.
JAMES: Ah, yes…
“It’s horrible! It’s awful!”
VEGETA: (as
Bakemon) It’s Marmite!
ALL: *sing
Marmite jingle*
“What is it?” asked Myotismon, taking his viewing away from the viewing orb and glaring at the Bakemon. “I was just devising a plan to overthrow Jamassia City’s most powerful digimon when you come in? It better be bad for the good guys.”
“I think so, but I think it’s also bad for you too, master,” said Bakemon #1.
“Bad for me?” said Myotismon. “Nothing is bad for me.
MEOWTH: (as Myotismon) Cholesterol, booze, heroin…
It’s always bad for the good guys!”
“It’s Jenny. The slave girl?”
“The one who kissed him?” asked Bakemon #2.
“What is it?” asked MM. “I’m a very busy mon
JAMES: Myotismon’s Jamaican all of a sudden?
MEOWTH: (as Myotismon, as Rasta) I’m a very busy mon! Me have to be findin’ de eighth childe, and takin’ over da world, mon! Great Lion of Zion! Ya’ll stare into da eyes o’ da demon! Now bring me me Malibu!
and I must find a way to locate the eighth child before—“
VEGETA: (as Myotismon) Midnight, or I’ll turn back into a pumpkin.
“Jenny’s in your casket! Jenny was locked in your casket!” Bakemon #1 flew all over the place. “I don’t know who did it but it was no accident!”
So Jenny was inside that stupid casket. She had just given up trying and was about to run out of air any second. She was about to die.
GILES: (as oul’ fella on the Nike ads) That’s a goal!
ALL: *cheer*
“I never knew how awful Jessie really was!” she exclaimed.
GILES: Wasting valuable oxygen by doing so.
“And I thought it would be easy returning her to Team Rocket! I can’t believe I’m about to die! Not the best casket I’d want to get buried in, but I’m one of the first people to actually stay in the same place after I die!”
JAMES: What, Jenny thinks they’re just going to leave the casket there, letting it stink up the place?
MEOWTH: Give da goil a break! Lack a’ oxygen is makin’ her screwy!
GILES: *Making* her screwy?
MEOWTH: Well, screwier.
She was running out of air.
VEGETA: She was about to die four lines ago! Now she’s just running out of air? This is worse than when Kakarat was battling Frieza on Namek!
GILES: She’s not going to die.
JAMES: How do you know?
GILES: She’s a self-inclusion character.
MEOWTH: (rolls eyes) Yeah, and once *dey’re* introduced, dey *never* leave *cough*Aoi*cough*
Breathe… breathe… air running out
MEOWTH: De door and down de street.
… not enough oxygen and so little time left. The air was getting very warm and stuffy. Jenny was feeling very lightheaded
GILES: (as Jenny, as Homer) Good! No heavy head to carry…
with not enough air.
VEGETA: Surely that’s a grammar mistake!
It was all getting darker and fuzzy… fading… fading… she was too young to die!
No!
I’m only 13! I need to live! Team Rocket needs me! The world
needs me…
GILES:
God, she’s just full of her own self-importance, isn’t she?
Getting darker… Everything was fading away… air! She needed air! Air
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
Jenny took a deep breath of air and gasped it all in!
JAMES: That’s ridiculous! You don’t gasp *in*, you gasp *out*!
MEOWTH: Naw, de author’s right! Ya gasp *in*!
JAMES: You gasp *out*!
MEOWTH: In!
JAMES: Out!
MEOWTH: In!
JAMES: Out!
VEGETA: (smirking)
Shake it all about!
GILES: (angrily) Stop
doing the Hokey Koky and get on with riffing the bloody FIC!!!
OTHERS: *stop and
glare sulkily*
JAMES: (camp) Ooh,
*she* got up on the wrong side of the bed today…
MEOWTH: Sometimes you
scare me.
Air! Precious air! She practically zoomed up to sit up and saw her rescuer. It wasn’t the Bakemon, or Jessie, or even a twerp. Her rescuer was Myotismon.
“WHAT THE HELL??!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!” Jenny screamed. Then she started to cry her eyes out
VEGETA: Bits of cornea and vitreous humour rolling down her cheeks …
JAMES: Hey! I thought you said we had to be original!
VEGETA: *idly forming an energy ball with one hand* Are you *sure* you want to argue with me?
JAMES: *gulps* Nice riff.
VEGETA: Thank you.
because she was just grateful and all that
GILES: (as Jenny, as Missy Elliot) I’m all dat!
to live. And she was so surprised that MM actually saved her from death. “You saved me??!! You saved me!”
“I didn’t save you, you ignoramus!” MM protested. “I saved the casket! I can’t stand the fact that you were in there!”
MEOWTH: Suuuure, Myotismon.
VEGETA: Myotismon ought to be wary about getting involved with girls. It leads to nothing but trouble for a supervillain! Oh, sure, it seems great at first – she cooks your meals and lets you sleep in her bed with her, and lets you do things to her that make you feel really good –
GILES: Yes, well-
VEGETA: -until one day, you’re headed for the bathroom to wash your hair when she barges in front of you and starts being sick in the toilet. Then her belly gets really fat and she goes into hospital and comes out with this little squalling thing that *you’re* somehow responsible for!
GILES: Indeed, well, moving along-
VEGETA: Then she’s bugging you to hold it, so you finally do, just to shut her up – *softening* and , and then you look at him, and he’s a real little person, and - *getting tearful* and you get this funny pain in your chest and your eyes get all hot and prickly and… *buries face in hands and starts sobbing* My son! My beautiful, baby son! My son! *bawls*
JAMES: *pats Vegeta on the back* There, there. *looks at the others and shrugs in bewilderment*
“Forgive me,” said Jenny. “It was Jessie’s fault. I will leave if you want me to because I don’t need my pokemon anymore. I didn’t even train pokemon to begin with.”
Demidevimon, who was with MM and the Bakemon, flew up to Jenny’s face. “Don’t leave! I need a friend!”
MEOWTH: No, Demidevimon, you need ta learn de difference between pink and red.
VEGETA: Failing that, a slow, painful death will do just as nicely. It’s piking time!
“No, I think I’ve caused enough trouble around here,” said Jenny. “I must leave. I’m actually a good guy who doesn’t belong here. So long for good. And thank you, Bakemon.” She turned around and left to return to Erika and the other good guys.
ALL: *stare in
disbelief*
JAMES: And they just . . . let her waltz out of there?
GILES: Remind me to try that next time I’m being held captive by an evil villain. ‘Terribly sorry I can’t stay, I really belong with the good guys. Cheerio.’
VEGETA: If she tried that with me, I’d slit her face.
Speaking of Erika, strange things were going on at the Team Rocket Headquarters later that day. Myotismon, extremely outraged about Team Rocket standing more in his way, sent DarkTyrannomon on them as an attempt to get them to surrender.
“ERIKA! DOMINO!”
JAMES: Who’s
Domino?
VEGETA: A Dalmation?
MEOWTH: I tink she’s another Rocket we don’t know about.
GILES: *thumbs through previous chapters* Didn’t she get hypnotised in the last chapter? Isn’t she supposed to be under Myotismon’s control?
MEOWTH: What is it wit’ you an’ continuity?
GILES: Six words: ‘Previously, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.’
MEOWTH: Oh . . .
Giovanni called the two girls into his office. The chair was turned around and there was a ton of cheese all over the place. Empty cans of
JAMES: Dog food!
VEGETA: Creamed corn!
MEOWTH: Red Bull!
GILES: Special brew!
cheez whiz littered the floor.
VEGETA: Since when is cheese spelled with a ‘z’?
GILES: This is what happens when you’re late for school.
MEOWTH: (as Serj Tankian, screaming in a loud, insane way) DON’T BE LATE FOR SCHOOL AGAIN GIRL!
So did wrappers from American and string cheese. There was about a century’s worth of cheese everywhere.
“More cheese, sir?” asked Domino, holding out some more cheese.
JAMES: I thought there was a century’s worth of cheese in his office! Why would he want more?
“I swear, this is all I have left!”
“NO!” Giovanni yelled at the wall, but to Erika and Domino. “Another mission, since you have failed the first.” *Chewing noise.*
“Sir, I can’t seem to understand you,” said Erika. “I have an entire wheel of cheese! Can you turn around because I might smash the wall, it’s so heavy!”
*Swallow* “Yes, like I said, you will need to go on a mission.” He turned around in his chair. Erika and Domino gasped at the same time. He had probably been a pig from an earlier life
VEGETA: A pig from an earlier life? What does the author mean – he used to be some kind of prehistoric warthog, then magically turned into a human?
GILES: I think the author means ‘in an earlier life’.
MEOWTH: Ah, at dis stage I’d have ta go wit’ Vegeta’s explanation.
because that was just what he reminded Erika and Domino of. There was cheez whiz around his mouth and other stuff, big hunks of cheese in his hands, a slicer on the arm of his chair, and a lot more weight from cheese.
JAMES: On the arm of the chair?
I mean a lot of weight.
MEOWTH: It’s almost like she predicted dat riff!
ALL: *hum ‘Twilight Zone’ music*
And I mean he was fat.
GILES: Then why didn’t she just say, ‘Giovanni had grown very fat from eating all that cheese’?
VEGETA: Because then this fic would be a lot less mockable.
JAMES: *struggling with the disturbing mental image of a bloated, cheese-covered Giovanni*
MEOWTH: Well, at least he ain’t back on de booze . . .
Erika and Domino’s mouths dropped open. They just stared at the wreck Giovanni had become from all that cheese. Erika was embarrassed that she made him read about Wisconsin and eat all that cheese.
VEGETA: (sarcastic) Yes, she held a gun to his head, and made him eat the cheese.
He had been eating cheese for at least twelve hours straight.
JAMES: (as Erika, as Marge) Have you been up all night eating cheese?
GILES: (as Giovanni, as Homer) I think I’m blind!
MEOWTH: I tink we did already dis joke in a different fic.
“There is some sort of dinosaur outside and I need you to get rid of that dinosaur outside! There’s a dinosaur!”
GILES: Cheese addiction seems to have the unusual side-effect of repeating oneself.
“What kind of dinosaur?” asked Domino.
“The one known as Tyrannosaurus Rex, only this one is dark and it has this weird attack thing.
MEOWTH: Don’tcha just love all de detailed descriptions and scientific terminology?
It might be an unknown pokemon. I want you to capture it, dammit!” He pounded his desk. “And steal some cheese while you’re at it! I’m running out!”
JAMES: Giovanni’s become a real cheese junkie!
VEGETA: (as Giovanni, as gun-toting junkie) Where’s the Camembert, bitch?!
Erika and Domino ran out of the office to the outside, where, sure enough, there was a roaring Darktyrannomon. And believe me, it roared and roared so hard, the entire ground shook and everyone practically went tone deaf
GILES: I’m fairly sure she means ‘stone deaf’, and not ‘tone deaf’.
VEGETA: What’s the difference?
MEOWTH: ‘Stone deaf’ is what Ant and Dec pretend ta be when Cat asks dem ta do any chores, and ‘tone deaf’ is what you are because ya keep screwin’ up whenever ya try ta sing!
VEGETA: Is it my fault the acoustics on the satellite are terrible everywhere except the shower?
from hearing it.
“That must be it,” said Erika. “If only I had Wizardmon with me to help!”
“Wizardmon?” asked Domino. “You’re not… one of THEM, are you?”
GILES: (as Domino, as Hans) Oh, oh God, you’re one of THEM, aren’t you? Don’t kill me, please, don’t kill me…
OTHERS: Die Hard!
VEGETA: (as Hans) I’m going to count to three. There will not be a four. Give me… the codes.
JAMES: (as John McClane) Welcome to the party, pal!
MEOWTH: (as the black guy working on the vault) Oh ho ho! And the quarterback is toast!
“What are you—“
JAMES: (as Kovu, puzzled) –doing?
MEOWTH: (as Terk, upset) –lookin’ at?
GILES: (as Scar, fearful) –going to do?
VEGETA: (as the Beast, furious) –staring at?
JAMES: These comments brought to you courtesy of Cyberwulf’s fondness for Disney movies.
*RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!*
“That’s Darktyrannomon,” said Erika. “It’s a digimon. I think a ton of people need to handle this one!”
GILES: And up steps General Martok in his Bird of Prey, who thinks he can take on the whole Dominion by himself!
MEOWTH: Dey called you Spock at school, didn’t dey?
GILES: (oblivious) Then again, you probably could destroy a Darktyrannomon with a Bird of Prey…
VEGETA: Klingon Birds of Prey are useless! I built three fleets of them in Armada Two, and they got destroyed by a single tactical cube… *sees James and Meowth staring at him* What?
Domino made sure hr
MEOWTH: Hr? What de fuck does hr mean?
black rose was back in full commission, then she made it shoot all these laser beams out at Darktyrannomon. The laser beams flew out at lightning speed and hit the dinosaur one by one. Each one made a large burn mark on his skin and made him roar from the pain.
“Take that, Godzilla,”
ALL: *sing ‘Deeper Underground’ by Jamiroquai*
said Domino, blowing on her rose.
Darktyrannomon wasn’t through yet. He roared so hard nearly everyone within a block practically went tone deaf from hearing it.
JAMES: Déjà vu!
“FIRE BLAST!” (Actually, he didn’t say it but who cares? I’m HIGH ON SUGAR DAMMIT!)
GILES: (snarks) Yes, we gathered as much when you started repeating yourself.
Fire billowed out and burned the entire street, and well everything up to the TR HQ.
“I NEED WIZZY!”
MEOWTH: She needs ta take a wizz?
GILES: Honestly, the level of riffing’s just gone right into the gutter…
VEGETA: Toilet
humour is fun! *farts*
OTHERS: AAAGGGHHH! *all move as far away from Vegeta as possible*
Erika shouted. “I NEED HIM RIGHT NOW TO DEFEAT THIS GUY!”
JAMES: Well, shouting won’t make him appear.
Darktyrannomon roared again as he saw Domino. Then he looked as if he were about to eat her. He was.
Domino held out her rose in fear. She held it out and it blasted out a huge laser beam at Darktyrannomon.
VEGETA: So, Domino held out her rose, then pulled it back in, then held it out again?
JAMES: Maybe it’s a pump-action rose.
MEOWTH: Maybe de author’s hepped up on sugar.
GILES: (as author, hyper) The laser beam blasted out at Darktyrannomon! It blasted out and hit him! It looked as if it was about to kill him! IT WAS!
The beam hit him and went right through his side, showing a huge red burn mark on it. Darktyrannomon was now in a painful daze.
*RRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!* He weakly stood up and got his balance. Then he went on a rampage down the streets, knocking down anything that stood in his way, whether it was lampposts, buildings, or even people and other pokies and digis.
MEOWTH: Even though he was only weakly standing up just one line ago.
“Come on!” Domino and Erika ran off after Darktyrannomon.
Domino held out her rose to try to get him down. She held it out in front of her and hoped for the best.
JAMES: There’s Domino and her pump-action rose again . . .
One laser beam shot out of that black rose right towards where Darktyrannomon was. The beam went right into a building next to Darktyrannomon.
“Whoops,” said Domino, grinning. “My bad.”
GILES: Never caring a jot for all the innocent people in the building who were probably fried to death by her laser beam . . .
VEGETA: *Finally,* a bad guy who’s still evil!
The building started to crumble. Darktyrannomon turned around to see what was going on. In the process, his tail knocked over another part of a smaller building and it landed on his tail.
GILES: But that’s impossible! Unless it somehow flipped the part of the building up in the air so it crashed down on its tail.
JAMES: Someone obviously wasn’t thinking about the mechanics of this when she wrote it.
*RRROOOAAARRR!!!* Next, the building started to tip over and burst into flames. People turned their heads to see what was causing this commotion.
VEGETA: Instead of, say, running away, like sensible people.
Finally, the building just COLLAPSED in a big KABOOM!
JAMES: Wouldn’t it collapse in a big cloud of dust and rubble and mangled bodies?
Flames rose up high into the air and every bit of the building just fell down onto the streets, crushing any unfortunate object that got in its path… including Darktyrannomon.
MEOWTH: Not ta mention all de innocent civilians who were inside de buildin’ at de time.
*RRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!* Huge chunks of cemented bricks fell onto the dinosaur, trapping, scraping, and even killing Darktyrannomon in the process. The dinosaur was a bleeding mess with over a million injuries in places not even experts knew existed.
“Want me to finish him off?”
GILES: It’s dead! What’s to finish off?
asked Domino, contemplating the mess of the fallen building and the mess of Darktyrannomon. She held her rose out in front of her.
MEOWTH: Aw, only once? I was gettin' kinda used ta de double holdin’ out action!
The rose lit up like a big laser.
GILES: I thought it *was* a big laser!
A short futuristic noise was let out a split second before the beam was, full force. It HIT the entire mess in only a single millisecond, making the mess even worse than it was. Chunks of everything
JAMES: Wallpaper, ballpoint pens, pizza, canaries, anhydrous copper sulphate…
sprayed everywhere
VEGETA: Pluto, Switzerland, Helsinki, Wexford, UCC…
and got into all the humans’ eyes, hair, and well, everything.
MEOWTH: *about to reel off a list of embarrassing body parts*
GILES: *clamps hand over his mouth*
Finally, a ton of dust littered the streets, but there was no sign of Darktyrannomon. Team Rocket had won for now. There was also no sign of Erika. And she hadn’t suffered the same fate as Darktyrannomon.
ALL: *make disappointed noises*
JAMES: How does she know that for sure?
She had escaped.
Domino realized that five minutes later. “A runaway? From Team Rocket? This is unthinkable!
GILES: No, what’s unthinkable is that Jenny was just allowed to walk out of Myotismon’s lair and back to the good guys to blab all his secrets!
VEGETA: What’s also unthinkable is that we aren’t even half-way through this fic.
MEOWTH: But at least we’re near de end a’ de chapter!
No one dares leave Team Rocket, right boss? Especially not Erika! She may have been a little insane but she was the best partner I ever had!”
All Giovanni did was eat more cheese.
VEGETA: And *belches* and *farts*
OTHERS: EEEUUUUGGGHHH!
GILES: Next time, I’m bringing a cork and a sledgehammer in with me!
“You oughta join Cheeseaholics Anonymous,” remarked Domino. “Join a support group! All this for learning about Wisconsin.” Her eyes lit up.
JAMES: (as Domino) OOOWWW! These light up eyes really burn!
“Wisconsin! Erika Domino! That’s it!” She leafed through the “W” encyclopedia without Giovanni scolding her for using his precious encyclopedias.
When she finished reading, Domino was not addicted to cheese, but she was never going to look at missions the same way again.
GILES: She was going to scrunch up her eyes and look at them that way.
Erika Domino never existed, but Domino wished she did. Then she would have been able to keep her friend.
That afternoon, Erika and Jenny met back at the pokemon center.
“Any luck?” asked Erika.
“None,” replied Jenny.
GILES: If you ask me, she was very lucky, not only to be rescued from the coffin, but also that Myotismon LET HER WANDER OUT OF HIS LAIR FOR NO GOOD REASON!
OTHERS: *lean away a little*
GILES: I’m sorry, it’s just – just COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS!
JAMES: Oh, and have you ever watched *your* show?
“Me neither.”
“Do you think we’ll ever get Jessie and James back together? I just tried to get her to leave those digimon villains, but she ended up nearly killing me.”
“I tried to get James and those other guys to ask Giovanni to make Jessie come back, but all I got was partnered up with Domino and then Giovanni became a cheese-aholic.”
“I think these partnerships are here to stay.”
“I agree.”
So they left. Maybe not forever, but for now. And don’t worry, this isn’t the end.
ALL: NOOOOOOO!
Repeat: THIS IS NOT THE END! NOT THE END! There’s a lot more chaps to come!
JAMES: (as Cartman) Noooo, God, noooo!
GILES: *bangs head on floor*
MEOWTH: Why, Lord, why???
VEGETA: Darn you, author! *shakes fist at ceiling*
AND MYOTISMON IS A CHAMPION! HE’S NOT AN ULTIMATE NO MATTER WHAT THAT SCREWY CHARACTER GUIDE SAYS, YOU HEAR ME?????????????? *I go into major sugar shock*
VEGETA: Hopefully it’s fatal.
(The lights come on.)
GILES: This story has the most convoluted, hard-to-understand plot I’ve ever come across. And I’ve seen several anime films. Including AD Police.
MEOWTH: I really hope I ain’t here for de next chapter…
(All leave the theatre.)