This section MST’d by
Cyberwulf and the Spider Mastermind.
“ Parker!”
“ You called, milady?”
“ Yes, Parker. I want you to come in here and close the door.”
“ Yes, milady.”
“ Now, I want you to undo your trousers and give me a damn good rodgering.”
“ Very good, milady.”
Pikachu wandered tentatively down the corridor. After what had happened a couple of chapters ago, he was wary of exploring. But he’d gotten lost on the way back from the bathroom, and had no choice but to keep trotting along in the hope of finding a familiar landmark and getting back up to the bridge.
He came across a door that looked as if it might lead the right way. He stood up on his hind paws and twisted the Pokémon-height knob, then nudged the door open.
“ Oh, Parker! Oh, yes, Parker! Oh, good shooting!”
“ Thank you… milady…”
Pikachu’s eyes widened. Without making a sound, he slowly closed the door. It shut with a soft click.
“ PIIIIIIII-KAAAAAAAA!!!”
The tubby yellow Pokémon ran up the corridor, two big waterfalls gushing out of his eyes.
“ Hey, hey, hey!” Meowth reached out and grabbed Pikachu by the tail. The other Pokémon was too distressed to electrocute him. Growly nudged Pikachu into a standing position.
“ Growlithe growlithe growl?” he woofed.
“ Yeah, what’s the matter?” Meowth repeated.
Pikachu gulped.
“ Pika-pika-pi, pi-pi, pika … pika-ka…” Tears welled up in Pikachu’s eyes again. “Pika pika chuuuuu!!”
He started to cry. Growly gagged and swallowed. Meowth made a face.
“ Really? Puppets? De wooden scary kind? Doin’…”
Pikachu nodded. “ Pi-ka.” He buried his face in his little paws. “ Pika pika pika-pi chuuuuu?!”
“ I don’t know why ya were brought to a satellite a’ depravity, Pikachu,” Meowth replied. “ Anyway, don’t worry about it. It don’t affect you.” He patted Pikachu on the back.
“ Pika pi!” Pikachu
insisted miserably. “ Pika pi? Pika pika pika pikachu pika…”
“ I ain’t followin’ ya, buddy,” Meowth replied in puzzlement. “ What’s gonna happen sooner or later?”
“ Pikaaa, pik-pika chuuu,” Pikachu wailed. “ Pika pi pika!!!”
Meowth’s face went blue.
“ No, Pikachu, dat ain’t gonna happen!” he declared.
“ Pika pi,” Pikachu sobbed, nodding. “ Pi pika, pi pika pikachu…” He waved a paw at Growly.
Growly stuck his tongue out in disgust. “ Growl,” he groaned, going green.
“ What?!” Meowth exclaimed in disbelief. “ Pikachu, buddy, you’re losin’ it. Dere’s no way we’re gonna end up havin’ a treesome! We just ain’t attracted to ya!” He looked at Pikachu’s tearstained face and realised how potentially hurtful his last sentence was. “ I mean, not dat ya ain’t kinda good-lookin’, in an electric mouse sorta way –”
Pikachu stared at Meowth in horror.
“ PIKA PIII!” He jabbed a trembling paw at the cat-émon. “ Pika pika pi!” He turned and fled up the corridor, gibbering dementedly.
“ No, Pikachu, I didn’t mean it like dat!” Meowth called in vain. He tugged Growly’s ear. “ C’mon, we better catch up wit’ him before he hoits himself!”
“ Growlithe growlithe growlithe growl?” Growly asked slyly.
“ Ah, don’t you start!” Meowth replied irritably. “ De little rat ain’t so bad. I actually kinda like him.” He looked up and addressed the ceiling. “ An’ I mean dat in a non-sexual way, a’right?!” He set off after Pikachu, with Growly following.
“ Growlithe, growlithe growl growlithe growlithe?”
“ De readers.”
“ Growlithe?”
“ Oh yeah, I forget you normally get left outa our wacky adventures.”
“ Growl-growlithe?” The puppy-mon looked devastated.
“ Ah, trust me, you’re better off,” Meowth assured him. They reached an intersection and Meowth looked around thoughtfully. “ Now if I was a traumatised, hysterical Pikachu, where would I hide…”
“ All right then!” Cat announced brightly. Jessie, Spike, Vegeta, Ryoko and Worf shot her a collective Death Glare, which she pointedly ignored. “ To decide who goes into the theatre next, we’re going to draw straws. Ant, get the paper and some crayons.”
As everyone groaned at this overused pun, the TV presenter sidled up to Giles and joined him on the couch.
“ I hope you’re being looked after,” she purred. Faint shrieks of “ Oh, God, stop the story!” and “ Aargh… ‘Cat’… ‘purred’…” floated through the fourth wall. Cat squeezed Giles’ knee. “ If there’s anything you need… any way I can make you more comfortable –”
“ Back off, dear, he’s mine,” said a sinister voice. Cat looked up just as Ethan Rayne leaned over the back of the couch. Giles put his head in his hands.
“ Oh God, no.”
Cat looked from the Watcher to the warlock in horror.
“ Giles?” she gasped. “ Giles?! You – you can’t be gay! You – you just CAN’T!”
A small yellow shape dashed onto the bridge just in time to hear this last exclamation.
“ Pi pika-pi!” Pikachu bawled. “ PIKA-PIII!!” He dashed out again.
“ What’s that about?” Ethan wondered, idly playing with Giles’ hair.
“ I’m NOT gay,” Giles declared, giving Cat a withering glance while simultaneously slapping Ethan’s hand away. “ And Ethan and I… it was a long time ago and –”
“ Long time ago?!” Ethan exclaimed indignantly. “ I don’t call season- I mean, three years ‘a long time ago’!”
“ Yes, and do you remember what you did to me three years ago?” Giles huffed. “You turned me into a demon!”
“ You know very well why I cast that spell!” Ethan replied hotly. “ After what you did-”
“ I was drunk!”
“ Oh look!” Cat interrupted loudly. “ Here comes Ant with the paper and crayons!” Her fellow pseudo-captain started handing them out.
Meowth and Growly arrived on the bridge.
“ Anyone seen Pikachu?” Meowth called. “ Anyone?” The rest of the crew ignored him. “ Ah, come on, Growly. Dese guys ain’t no use.” The two Pokémon headed towards the kitchen. As they entered, they noticed that the fridge door was slightly open. Something was scrabbling around inside it.
“ Pikachu?” Meowth called. Growly butted the door open with his shoulder, and then turned his attention to the overflowing bin in the corner. Pikachu was in the fridge, wrestling a can of beer out of the plastic six-pack holder.
“ What are ya doin’?!” Meowth asked.
“ Pikapi!” Pikachu warned, clutching the can possessively. He tried to open it, but found his paws were too stubby. “ Piiiiiiikaaaaa…” He charged up and gave the can a mild thundershock, exploding all the eggs and one carton of milk as he did so.
“ NOOOO!!” Meowth wailed as the milk split all over the floor. He glared up at Pikachu. “ What’s WRONG wit’ you?!”
The can popped open. Pikachu tilted it until the beer began to splash into his mouth.
“ Pika pi,” he gasped, in between gulps of beer. “ Pika pika pi… pika pika chu…”
“ Ain’tcha listenin’?!” Meowth yelled. “ We ain’t got designs on yer body, Pikachu!”
“ Pikachu pi… pi pika pikachu pi…”
“ Yeah, dat’s a good point,” Meowth agreed thoughtfully. “ But I don’t know if you should drink all dat alcohol, Pikachu… maybe ya oughta slow down…”
“ Pikachu pi!” Pikachu yelled. He continued to guzzle the beer as fast as he could. Soon the can was empty. He batted it away in disgust and made for the six-pack again. Suddenly he stopped.
“ Pikachu?” Meowth called. “ You okay?”
“ Pika…” Pikachu put both paws on his stomach. “ Pik-” He let out a huge burp.
“ Pikachu?”
The little Pokémon glowed blinding white.
“ He’s evolving!” Meowth exclaimed.
“ Growl?” Growly took his head out of the bin.
The white glow died away. Meowth squinted up at the fridge.
“ Pikachu?” he called tentatively.
“ Hic. Hic-a. Hic.”
Meowth’s eyes widened as he made out the Pokémon in the fridge.
“ I tink we need help.”
“ Now, it’s very simple,” Cat declared. “ We all draw straws, and the people who draw the four worst straws have to go into the theatre. Okay?”
There were mumbles of agreement from the assembled crewmembers. Cat grinned. She’d seen ‘Hush’. Giles was rubbish at drawing. All she had to do was scribble something a four-year-old would be ashamed of, and she would have a whole chapter of groping Giles in the dark.
A little grey hurricane burst into the room.
“ We got trouble in de kitchen!” Meowth yelled. “ Is dere a Pokémon professor on board?”
“ Yes, I’m here,” Professor Oak called cheerily. He extricated himself from the throng of fictional characters around him and made his way towards Meowth. As the most responsible of the captains, Cat also jumped up.
“ Don’t start till I get back!” she called as the three of them headed out.
“ Right then,” Spike declared when they had gone. “ Let’s get drawing.”
“ B-but Cat said…” Team Rocket’s James began.
“ Arse to that,” Spike replied. “ The sooner this chapter gets done, the sooner the next one gets done, and the sooner this thing is over. Now everyone get drawing!”
Cat, Professor Oak and Meowth stared into the fridge. Pikachu’s yellow fur was now an odd shade of green. His cheeks were pink, and his normally lightning-bolt-shaped tail was now limp. He glared menacingly at the onlookers, swaying slightly from side-to-side.
“ Hic-a.”
“ He chugged a whole can a’ beer real fast,” Meowth explained. “ Den he just… evolved!”
“ Why would Pikachu want to get drunk?” Cat wondered.
“ He saw a couple a’ marionettes screwin’ in a closet and reckoned it was just a matter a’ time before he an’ I an’ Growly…” Meowth sweatdropped and blue lines appeared on his face. “ Blech. He decided de only ting ta do was get good an’ drunk before it happened so dat he wouldn’t remember nothin’ in de mornin’.”
“ Hmm.” Professor Oak reached into the fridge.
“ Hic-a-chu. Hic-a.” The little Pokémon swiped at his fingers before slipping on some stray egg yolk. Professor Oak picked him up carefully, holding him so that he faced away from him.
“ What happened to him, Professor?” Cat asked.
“ I’m afraid this is a classic example of what happens when Pokémon aren’t properly taken care of,” Professor Oak replied in his ‘bad trainer’ voice. “ When subjected to certain negative influences, certain Pokémon evolve differently. This Pikachu drank so much alcohol in such a short time that it evolved into Hic-a-chu, the alcoholic mouse Pokémon.”
“ Hic-a. Hic.” Hic-a-chu threw some devil signs at Meowth and Growly.
“ Is it permanent?” Cat asked.
“ The evolution stage is unstable if the Pokémon’s supply of alcohol is cut off,” Professor Oak replied. “ You just put this little fella to bed and he’ll be back to his old self when he sobers up.”
He handed Hic-a-chu to Cat. A strange gurgling sound came from Hic-a-chu’s tummy.
“ Hic-aaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!”
A tidal wave of green vomit poured down on Meowth and Growly.
“ Eek!”
Cat held Hic-a-chu as far away from her as possible.
“ Oh, that’s Hic-a-chu’s Heave Attack,” Professor Oak informed them. “ It confuses and incapacitates opponents.”
Cat looked at the other Pokémon. Meowth was running in small, panicky circles, shaking his paws.
“ Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff –”
Growly tripped him and Meowth fell face down into the green, sticky puddle on the floor. The puppy Pokémon then proceeded to lick up all the puke.
“ Yuk!” Cat grimaced.
“ I forgot to mention that dog-type Pokémon are immune to Heave Attack because they simply eat the vomit,” Professor Oak declared cheerfully. He lowered his voice and added, “ If I were you I’d get Hic-a-chu out of here before he decides to follow up with Toxic Belch Attack.”
“ Right,” Cat replied. Holding Hic-a-chu at arm’s length in front of her, she headed below decks.
Growly licked the last trace of sick from Meowth’s charm.
“ Growlithe growl?” he asked.
“ Yeah, tanks, Growly,” Meowth sighed. “ I guess dog drool is betteh dan Pikachu puke.”
“ Growl growlithe,” Growly replied proudly, before beginning to clean himself up.
“ Right then,” Spike announced. “ Me and me fellow judge have decided who’s goin’ in the theatre. Vegeta?”
The Saiyan held up a sheet of paper with a thick, smudged blue line scrawled on it.
“ Fourth worst,” Spike declared. “ Rupert Giles.”
“ Ooh… Horlicks!” Giles cursed.
“ Temper, temper, Watcher,” Spike admonished.
Vegeta held up another sheet of paper with a large, scraggly shape on it.
“ Third worst … Ryoko.”
“ WHAT?!” the demon/space pirate/several other things, probably, shrieked. “THAT’S FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT!”
“ You’re supposed to draw a straw, you silly bint,” Spike replied. “ This doesn’t look like a straw.”
“ It IS straw!” Ryoko shouted. “ It’s a haystack!”
“ Really?” Vegeta remarked. He looked at the page again. “ Ah yes! Very nice. But unfortunately for you, we were looking for *drinking* straws. So tough luck.”
Ryoko’s response was to teleport across the room and violently headbutt Vegeta.
“ I hate tiny people,” she grumbled as the Saiyan slithered to the floor.
“ Right,” Spike went on. He picked up the next sheet of paper and held it up. It appeared as if the owner had just scrubbed the crayon in circles until it went through the page.
“ Second worst … Ethan Rayne.”
Giles looked at the warlock in horror. Ethan grinned smugly at him and ran a finger up his leg. Giles slapped his hand away and Ethan pouted.
“ And finally… the worst …” Spike held up a very soggy piece of paper. It was soaked in a dark red liquid. “ Can’t make out the name on this one…”
A huge Klingon warrior with only one eye leaped up.
“ Precious blood wine!”
Martok, head of the house of Martok, staggered over to Spike, clutching a large goblet of liquid. “ I must have spilled…” He snatched the paper and began to suck it desperately.
“ Riiiight,” Spike remarked. “ All right, quit hanging around, you lot! Get riffing before Giovanni decides to cut off our supply of marshmallows!” The four crewmembers trudged off.
“ I’m ba-ack!” Cat called cheerfully, striding onto the bridge. “ Now, let’s draw straws!”
“ Too late, luv,” Spike replied with a smirk. “ Already done. They’re in there bein’ tortured as we speak.”
“ Well who –” Cat looked around and noticed that Giles was gone. She stamped her foot. “ Aw, damn it!”
(Martok staggers into the theatre, wobbling all over the place yet never spilling a drop of his Klingon blood wine. Ryoko stomps in after him, followed by Giles and Ethan.)
ETHAN: *looking at Chancellor Martok* He’s going a bit overboard with the leather, don’t you think, Ripper?
GILES: Shh! He’ll slit us open!
(All take their seats.)
ETHAN: *pats the seat next to him, leering at Ryoko* Why don’t you come and sit next to me, my dear?
(Ryoko promptly embeds him in a wall. Ethan crawls out, bruised and bloody and grinning.)
ETHAN: I like a woman who plays rough.
RYOKO: Damn, I wish Tenchi was like that!
A/N: Sab, this is the chapter you’ve been waiting for!!!!
ETHAN: She’s friends with a car?
GILES: She said ‘Sab’, not ‘Saab’, idiot.
^_^ You mentioned it in a review and now it’s here! HOPE YOU LIKES!!!!!! Hope the rest of you like it too because I’m not writing this just for S. B.
GILES: Sandra Bullock?
MARTOK: Smart Bomb?
RYOKO: Stupid Bitch?
ETHAN: Sexy Beast?
and myself, I’m writing it for all you romance lovers out there! THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT ACTUAL ROMANCE!
MARTOK: Blech! *spits on the ground*
First comes a Meowth/Gatomon, and then comes the couple that made this story famous!
ETHAN:…James and Mondo?
GILES: (witheringly) Jessie and Myotismon, Ethan.
ETHAN: That’s not the way I see it…
Chapter 9
He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not
MARTOK: Now I can’t get “She Loves Me Not” by Papa Roach out of my head!
GILES: It says “He”, you know.
MARTOK: *takes out knife* You challenge my honour?!
GILES: (hastily) No, no, no…
MARTOK: (slightly disappointed) Oh. *puts away knife*
(A/N: The word “not” is strikeout-ed.)
RYOKO: No it isn’t! Look at it! It’s perfectly legible! I hate this place! And surely that should be “struck out” and not “strikeout-ed”.
MARTOK: Perhaps she’s playing baseball. *belches drunkenly*
Jessie was in love. So was Gatomon. So was Meowth. So was just about everyone.
ETHAN: There! I said James and Mondo! They’re everyone!
GILES: Either that, or they’re having an orgy…
ALL EXCEPT ETHAN: *shudder*
Meowth especially. As you see, after he saw Gatomon, he was crazy for her.
ALL: *sing ‘Crazy for You’ by Let Loose*
Every time he tried to think of something else, a mental image of Gatomon popped into his head.
First thing he always pictured of Gatomon was her eyes. Those eyes were the prettiest cat eyes any Meowth ever laid his own eyes on.
GILES: So, he asked every Meowth in the world what they thought of Gatomon’s eyes, did he?
He just couldn’t believe what some other villains thought of her eyes.
“MORE CHEESE!” Giovanni pounded his fist on his desk. “I NEED MORE AUTHENTIC CHEESE!
RYOKO: He’s surrounded by counterfeit cheese, I suppose?
I mean real cheese! And by real cheese, I mean CHEESE!
GILES: There’s that side-effect again…
ETHAN: Eh?
GILES: See chapter seven.
Like the kind from Wisconsin!” He took out the “W” encyclopedia and showed Meowth (and Mondo and James)
RYOKO: The entry for World War One, with all the gory pictures.
a picture of Wisconsin and its major products. There was a picture of cheese that was next to the picture of the state. “Without real cheese, I’m down to *sniff* cheez whiz and *sniff* those cheese curls. *Sniff* *sniff* It’s so, so sad.”
MARTOK: (sarcastically) Our hearts are breaking. Really. *points at eye* Look, here’s a tear!
He dabbed his eyes with a yellow handkerchief, then squirted some cheez whiz into his mouth. “Processed cheese! *Sniff* That is *sniff* so damn LOW!
GILES: Yes, cheese just isn’t the same without all the bacteria and pathogens…
*Sniff* *sniff* I- I don’t know what to do about this!” More cheez-whiz squirting.
“That guy’s got issues,” James muttered.
“Even for a cheese-a-holic,” Mondo muttered back.
“You definitely need professional help,” James spoke up. “And you know what, boss? You CAN stop
ETHAN: (as James, as NSPCC announcement) The cruelty. Cruelty to children must stop. Full stop.
MARTOK: I think that riff may have crossed a line . . .
RYOKO: What about cruelty to sorcerers?
GILES: Oh, that’s perfectly all right.
RYOKO: Great! *clips Ethan round the ear*
ETHAN: Ow! Bad touch! Bad touch!
the pigging out. I know you can. I know a kid with a Guilmon? And Guilmon? He only ate peanut butter. And the kid? He made sure Guilmon stopped with the peanut butter
ETHAN: (as James) But unfortunately, Guilmon couldn’t eat anything else, and couldn’t exist on air, either. So it died. Terribly sad, really.
not by hypnosis, but with willpower.”
GILES: Willpower? WILLPOWER? Willpower’s not worth a shit!
RYOKO: Yeah, willpower hasn’t gotten me Tenchi yet…
GILES: (continuing with tirade) Do you know how long it took me to give up smoking? I ended up having to lock myself in a little room, using the gum *and* the patches, and you know this thing I do with my glasses, the way I’m constantly cleaning them? That’s because I never knew what to do with my bloody hands when I didn’t have a cigarette! So sod fucking WILLPOWER!!!
MARTOK: Would you like this Will Power killed? It might be fun! *starts laughing*
He took Giovanni’s cheese-covered hands in his gloves. “Listen, Giovanni.
ETHAN: (as James) I love you. Will you do me the honour of being my wife?
GILES: (as Giovanni, camp) Oh James! You’ve made me the happiest cheese-a-holic on earth!
You CAN stop with the cheese. You CAN stop. Cheese is not your friend. Cheese is your enemy.”
RYOKO: No! Cheese is your friend! Cheese *is* your friend!
OTHERS: *stare*
RYOKO: I love watching others suffer! Besides, maybe he’ll explode! (as Malcolm Reed) And then there’ll be explosions. That’ll be worth watching!
“What are you doing?” asked Mondo. “I mean, even I think the boss is hard to like.”
“Do you think I have better things to do than watch his @$$ grow?”
RYOKO: His @$$?
GILES: She’s using symbols in order to sneak swear words into this. Anyone can do it. Chancellor, a demonstration if you will?
MARTOK: F\/©K!
ETHAN: $#!T!
RYOKO: Oh, I get it. Lemme try . . . You piece of $#!T, if you don’t get the F\/©K away from me I’m gonna kick your @$$!
ETHAN: By George, I think she’s got it!
OTHERS: *applaud*
“Whatever. It’s not gonna work.”
“You CAN lay off the cheese. You CAN do it. If you do lay off the cheese, we’ll give you all the pokemon you’ve ever dreamed of.”
ETHAN: They’ve been trying to do that since the start of the series! What makes them think they’re going to magically succeed just because Giovanni gives up cheese?
Giovanni started to tremble as he looked at the five years’ supply of cheese in his office.
GILES: But in chapter seven, he had a *century’s* worth of cheese in his office! Now it’s down to five years’ worth?? Surely he couldn’t have eaten ninety-five years’ worth of cheese in the interim?
MARTOK: Oh, it’s quite easy, really. Just force everything down with lots of blood wine, only breathe every other bite, and no savouring.
“Oh my God,” he said. “It’s… it’s… horrible! All that cheese? Fattening!” He looked at the 150 pounds he had gained in terror.
ETHAN: He gained weight in terror? I thought he’d gained it from eating cheese!
MARTOK: Maybe he’s suffering from hysterical pregnancy.
“This from all that cheese? NOOOOOOOOO!”
“I think we better leave,” said James. He ran out into the hall, followed by Mondo and Meowth.
Mondo smiled. “James? You’re one in a million.
RYOKO: Yeah, no-one else is as camp, as girly, as fond of women’s clothes…and he’s more vain and up himself than Ayeka!
ETHAN: (slightly camp) Now, now, dear, no need to get catty…
RYOKO: Look, which are you, pervy or gay?! Make up your mind!!
You just saved Team Rocket. That’s so we can swipe pokemon instead of that cheese. How did you do it?”
“When I was but a young child in my wealthy family I got professional lessons in subliminal messaging,” James replied boastfully. “I just simply subliminally told him that he had bad experiences with cheese when he was young.
GILES: I would think gaining almost eleven stone from eating cheese is a bad enough experience with cheese without making up anything else…
A piece of cheese tried to eat him.”
“James?” Mondo smiled again. “You ROCK!”
MARTOK: No, System of a Down rock!
OTHERS: *stare*
MARTOK: What? They’re cool!
“Well I’m still gonna find some cheese in the woods
GILES: Growing on a cheese tree, I suppose!
in case he gets hungry,” Meowth stammered.
“Why?” asked James. “You wanna see your GIRLFRIEND again?”
“Girlfriend?!” Meowth turned red. “She helped me find cheese! Gatomon always knows where the best stuff is.”
MARTOK: What? Are there deposits of cheese everywhere, or something?
RYOKO: Worse than one of those shoot-em-ups where guns are randomly stashed around the place…
“Sure,” Mondo teased. “What next? You’ll go together to the carnival to just get some of your favorite: rats on a stick?”
“How did you— how— how did you know about the—“
“You stashed the sticks under your litter box,” said Mondo. “And I found rat parts in your cat litter.”
ALL: Ah sweet Jesus! *all get up and stomp around in disgust*
MARTOK: Mondo, you Targ-raping shit-eater!
GILES: Really, *really* didn’t need to know that!
RYOKO: (as Meowth) You like dat, huh, Mondo? Examinin’ my shit? It toin you on? Well, why don’t you have some!! (mimes flinging faeces) You sick bastard!
ETHAN: *cracks up*
Meowth turned even redder.
MARTOK: And the readers turned even greener.
“You’re as bad as Giovanni on cheese,”
GILES: *Nothing* is as bad as Giovanni on cheese! Nothing!
ETHAN: Not even you on Band Candy?
GILES: *punches Ethan*
ETHAN: (with one hand over his nose) Ooh, moody!
Mondo continued. “Anyway, don’t spend too much time with Gatomon. You know…” He started making all the wacky sound effects that have to do with what happens when a boy sees a girl and falls in love.
ETHAN: (leering suggestively at Ryoko) *wolf-whistles* Rowr, rowr! *monkey noises* *pants* *howls* Blblblblblblee! Hubba hubba!
RYOKO: *punches Ethan*
MARTOK: *finds the whole thing terribly amusing*
“You don’t know what it’s like to be—“ Meowth paused, anticipating what would happen if he said “in love.” “—a cat. Cats need mice, and Gatomon knows where to find mice too!”
GILES: Yes, would these be electric mice, that can fry them from the inside out, or water mice, that could just make their stomachs swell up and explode?
RYOKO: And let’s not forget Rattata, with the ability to Hyper Fang them into unconsciousness.
He ran off as fast as he could. Into the woods
GILES: Wuagh!
ETHAN: What?
GILES: For some reason, I suddenly thought of Riley Finn…
ETHAN/GILES: *shudder*
where he and Gatomon met.
The woods were beautiful at that time of day. It was late afternoon and the summer sky had turned yellow and pink. The clouds were a beautiful lavender, and the sun was orange.
MARTOK: What’s with all the insane colours?
ETHAN: *flicking further through chapter* Yes, they don’t get to the pot party till later…
Light streamed through the bright green leaves of the trees onto the green grass. There was even a lovely, large pool of water near the place where Meowth and Gatomon would meet.
“Gatomon?” Meowth asked in his subtle voice.
GILES: As opposed to his outdoor voice, or squeaky voice, or annoying voice…
RYOKO: Aren’t they all the same?
GILES: Exactly.
MARTOK: In any case, if he’s speaking in a ‘subtle’ voice, i.e. quietly, Gatomon’s less likely to hear him!
OTHERS: *stare*
MARTOK: What? I happen to have a degree in English!
“Where are you?” He dashed around the trees a few times, searching for any white cat-like shape.
RYOKO: Unfortunately, what he ran into was a level 220 Ditto disguised as Gatomon, which promptly killed him.
Then he stopped at the small pool of water. He stared at the minnows in the water and became mesmerized by the fish swimming. “Oh fish,” he told the minnows, “you don’t know how lucky you are.
MARTOK: Yes, minnows are lucky. Lucky, mindless, stupid fuckers, swimming around the place, about to be eaten by Meowth. Oh how I *wish* I was one of them.
GILES: …well, at least they’re not stuck here, having to read this thing…
To have your lovers near you. To swim around freely. To not have any fellow minnows think you’re nothing but a freak. To Meowzie, I was just a freak.
RYOKO: Meowzie was an upper-class bitch! Just like Ayeka! You don’t need her, Tenchi! *starts crying*
MARTOK: Well, that was unexpected…
GILES: *awkwardly patting Ryoko on the back* There, there…
I guess the same must go for Gatomon. Even if she talks and walks on two paws.
ETHAN: Yes, because people who talk and act the very same as you often think you’re a freak.
Fish, you are so lucky. Lucky little fish.” Then he stuck out a single claw and grinned. “Now enjoy the last minutes of your lives.
GILES: I would imagine fish are incapable of enjoying anything, because of the lack of complexity of their brains.
ETHAN: Oh, everything’s impossible with you!
GILES: *cocks fist*
ETHAN: *clamps hands over his nose* No, not the face!
GILES: *glares at Ethan, and slowly lowers fist. It is difficult to tell who’s more disappointed, Giles or Martok*
You will be my dinner. Ha ha!” He reached in to spear the minnows with his claws. The little buggers got away. “You nasty little buggers,” said Meowth,
GILES: Why is Meowth talking like Spike?
MARTOK: Why are you asking me? I don’t even know who these people *are*!
reaching in even further. The fish swam in even deeper. “Damn! Now you’re really gonna get it!” He reached into the water as far as he could go, and then fell in with a SPLASH!
ALL: *hold up scorecards for Meowth’s ‘dive’*
“HELP! HELP! I CAN’T SWIM!” He flailed around in the water, thinking he was being laughed at by the minnows.
“You are so stupid,” said Gatomon. “The bottom is right underneath your feet.”
Meowth looked abashed as he set foot on the bottom of the pool of water.
ETHAN: (sighs) Cartoon cliché number one.
RYOKO: *hitting Ethan* That’s number *two*, you idiot! People stopping in mid-air with their feet spinning around at ninety miles an hour is number one!
MARTOK: Glad to see *you’re* feeling better.
Then he blushed as he looked into Gatomon’s eyes. “G-Gatomon! You’re here!”
“I’ve been looking all over for you, Meowth,” said Gatomon, staring straight into Meowth’s eyes.
Meowth slowly climbed out of the pool. “Really?”
“Yeah. It’s something we need to do.”
GILES: Please tell me they’re not going to mark their territory…
MARTOK: Possibly. This story’s taken one toilety turn already.
ETHAN: I predict that any second now, we will be treated to a subplot entitled ‘Giovanni’s Adventures with an Overdose of Laxative Pills’.
RYOKO: Shh! Do you hear that?
GILES: Hear what?
RYOKO: Sounds like… a creepy little effeminate sorcerer being hit with a chair!
MARTOK: *smashes a chair over Ethan’s head*
RYOKO/MARTOK: *roar laughing*
GILES: *pokes Ethan* Christ, you really hit him that time! *lays Ethan out on his back and puts his jacket under his head*
RYOKO: Aw, you really *do* love him *cough*queer*cough*!
Gatomon started walking around, with Meowth closely following behind. “It’s about us. You see, we’re both cats. Or at least cat-like mons. I don’t care if pokemon and digimon weren’t meant to love each other.
GILES: (as Gatomon) Or if our children are strange, freakish monstrosities…
Meowth?”
Meowth stared into Gatomon’s eyes and blinked. “Yes, Gatomon?”
“Will you be my mate? Right now? Please? I need a mate!”
MARTOK: She’s got to have it!
RYOKO: (writing on her hand) This better work on Tenchi…
“Oh! You want me to marry you? I don’t think cats need to get married.”
“NO!” Gatomon ran off. “Come on! I have a place for us! But don’t even think of telling the other members about this. They’ll be so mad that I’m fraternizing
ETHAN: Fraternising? I know another word for it that also begins with ‘F’…
OTHERS: *jump*
RYOKO: Whuh…but…you were unconscious!
ETHAN: Well, I heard something that could be interpreted in a lewd way and I just *had* to wake up.
GILES: (wonders idly) How can you hear things when you’re unconscious?
MARTOK: *whips out Bat’leth* NO RIFFING OF THE RIFFS!
GILES: *leans away* …okay…
with members of Team Rocket.”
“Same here,” said Meowth, clutching a stitch in his side.
MARTOK: Where did a stitch come from?
GILES: Either he’s been injured, or this is somehow funny.
MARTOK: But I’m not laughing.
GILES: *shrugs*
“Only they hate Team Rocket Mon. Isn’t that the team Jessie is with?”
RYOKO: (as Gatomon) Yes, dumb-hole! Haven’t you been paying attention?
“Yeah,” replied Gatomon as she stopped by a small cave just the right size for two cat mons.
ETHAN: (as Jamaican guy) Oh, me lost me mango, mon!
GILES: Ethan, there’s no need for racial slurs.
ETHAN: Mar-tok! He won’t let me be funny!
MARTOK: *headbutts Ethan* Whingy bitch.
GILES: *tends to Ethan again*
RYOKO: I decline to comment a second time.
“And you know what else? If I told Demidevimon about this he’d have a field day. He laughs at the word ‘romance.’”
“Same with James and Mondo. They say they— is that CATNIP?”
“Yeah,” said Gatomon. A naughty expression crossed her face. “Catnip. Found it growing by some rock.
GILES: Yes… would this be ‘rock’ as in a rock of crack?
MARTOK: Maybe it was near a System of a Down concert. Hey, they probably put it there!
RYOKO: (as Daron Malakian) My buy my crack my smack my bitch right here in Hollywood!
Bet you haven’t smelled it in a long time, huh?”
Meowth smiled, trying to smell the scent of the catnip. “Yeah. Catnip. Yum.
MARTOK: “Yum”? YUM?? You don’t fucking eat it!
ETHAN: Well, once, when we were all out of grass, and there was nothing else in the house-
GILES: Ethan, if you continue with that story, it’ll be the last one you’ll ever tell.
ETHAN: (sighs) Oh, very well, then.
Catnip.”
Gatomon divided the catnip evenly, and they started to smell and roll around in the catnip for about an hour.
GILES: Well, that’s a productive use of time…
ETHAN: Cat orgy!
GILES: Ethan, you *can’t* have an orgy with only two people…
ETHAN: Oh yes, I forgot you’re the expert in that department.
They WERE cats, you know. Suddenly they started to roll together instead of rolling separately.
RYOKO: (writing on her hand again) Get him high…
Then they stopped and stared into each other’s eyes for about a minute.
GILES: Don’t cats go mad if you start staring into their eyes?
“Yeah,” said Meowth, drunk on the smell.
MARTOK: You don’t get drunk off catnip! You get high off it! Ah, this is all screwed up…
ETHAN: And how do *you* know so much about catnip?
MARTOK: *raises fist*
ETHAN: Eek! *dives under seat*
MARTOK: I’m gonna finish the job this time! *fires disrupter at the chair, but nothing happens. He opens the back of the disruptor, and blood wine pours out*
“James and Mondo? They say— they’re laughing at me.” He didn’t realize he was about to make a big mistake. “They make fun of romance when they’re the biggest romantics in Jhoto.
ETHAN: (elbowing Giles) There! There! I told you!
GILES: Ow! Stop that! *shoves Ethan*
They’z both in love with
ETHAN: Each other!
Jessie, y’hear?”
“Mmmm,
GILES: (as Gatomon, as pothead) Mmmm, that’s some good shit, man…
” said Gatomon snuggling in the catnip and against Meowth. “I’m sleepy tired.” She was as drunk on catnip as Meowth, maybe even more. She drifted off into a soft, dreamless sleep.
Meowth snuggled with Gatomon, and then went to sleep two minutes later in the cave. The cats slept all through the afternoon and the evening.
RYOKO: That’s right, they fell asleep together, because that’s so much more romantic than PASSING OUT!!
OTHERS: *stare*
RYOKO: Look! They’ve passed out, and they’re lying in the catnip! And it’s meant to be all lovey dovey when in reality they’re no different to a couple of potheads lying unconscious in some dingy little apartment surrounded by ashtrays, cannabis and cigarette papers!
GILES/ETHAN: *look guilty*
RYOKO: Aargh!
Gatomon and Meowth woke to faint explosions that night. “WHAAAAAA?!” Meowth blinked and sat straight up. “We were asleep the whole time?”
RYOKO: No, you went on a magical mystery tour, wrinkling through time to this exact moment.
Gatomon wearily blinked and sat up. “I don’t wanna go to school,” she said listlessly. “I wanna ride the Unimon!”
“GATOMON! It’s me, Meowth!” Meowth shook the cat digimon until she
MARTOK: Went into convulsions, and died.
RYOKO: Yes!
GILES: I think I hear something…
ETHAN: Like what? *nervously looks around for chairs*
GILES: Like a robot wolf and a brain on spider legs laughing hysterically outside the fourth wall…
was completely awake.
“Whaaa? Meowth?” Gatomon felt dizzy and had a hangover from all that catnip. “I have a headache! Why is it night?”
RYOKO: (as Meowth, patronising) Well, de big hand went all de way round to de little hand, and de sun went ta bed and now it’s nighttime…
“I think we were asleep,” said Meowth.
“Oh God. It’s night!” Gatomon looked afraid now. “Oh no! I think there’s something going on tonight!
ETHAN: Well, the explosions should’ve been your first clue…
Goodbye, Meowth!” she exclaimed. “So long!” Gatomon ran off in the direction of the explosions, or in a direction of a place near the explosions.
Meowth swaggered into the Team Rocket headquarters again.
MARTOK: (as Meowth) Ow!
GILES: That’s really cheap.
MARTOK: *takes out dagger and idly examines the blade* Are you questioning my riff?
GILES: Um… not at all.
He ran into James and Mondo, who were suited up and ready to go on their next mission.
“Meowth, have you been in the catnip again?” asked James.
“What catnip?” asked Meowth.
“We can smell it from here,” said Mondo.
“So what da next mission?” asked Meowth.
“We are going for the big leagues.
RYOKO: They’re playing baseball now?
Celadon City,” said James.
“In Kanto?” asked Meowth. “But we’re in Jhoto!”
MARTOK: Someone’s obviously never heard of the Magnet Train…
“Yup. Perfect gym and everything. After I got rid of Giovanni’s cheese addiction he was so grateful he’s letting us go to the biggest cities! Our rank is higher than Butch and Cassidy’s now!” James showed off his and Mondo’s new black uniforms. “Butch and Cassidy? Red all the way.
ETHAN: But Butch and Cassidy wear *black*!
RYOKO: Maybe they got busted down.
Middle-class rank. Nope, no more white for us! Ha HA!”
GILES: But Jessie’s and James’ uniforms are pale blue, not white! *puts head in hands* It’s all wrong! All wrong, I tell you!
***STATIC***
ALL: What the fuck?
AthEnA1999: I’m afraid we’re experiencing technical difficulties due to the short length of this story and my excessive intake of sugar.
SPIDER MASTERMIND: That’s nothing compared to what me and Cyberwulf are up to! CASELKA-FOZ!
ALL: *stare*
SM: Toodle-pip! *vanishes*
MARTOK: Well, that’s a new one!
I’m really high on sugar and BORED!
GILES: *You’re* bored?!
*Myotismon’s song (the one I made up) keeps playing in my mind “Power, great power/ he’s the brain, he’s the brawn, he’s Myotismon!” Yah! Then it switches to “Team Rocket’s rockin/ Talkin trouble/ Walkin touble/ Double trouble/ Big trouble’s gonna follow you/ We’re gonna capture Pikachu-u!”*
AthEnA1999: What the hell was that part all about?
MARTOK: How are we supposed to know? We’re asking ourselves the very same question!
Mondo: Beats me. Behold the power of cheese!
GILES: This reminds me of a dream I once had…
Goldfish (like in that one commercial): Bummer.
Giovanni: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! NO! TAKE IT AWAY TAKE IT AWAY!
ETHAN: Take away the goldfish?
Goldfish: Imagine, all that wasted cheese!
AthEnA1999: I’m high on sugar. Exqweeze me.
RYOKO: AAAGGGHHH! She’s turned into Jar-Jar Binks!
MARTOK: *fires Bat’leth at the screen*
James: Did you steal my rose? Where’s my ROSE!
GILES: (sings) Eeeev’ry roooose has its thorn…
Digitamamon: Come to the Roadkill Café. You kill it we grill it!
AthEnA1999: You’re not in this part.
Pizza guy: Hey who ordered an extra large pizza with 25 extra pounds of anchovies?
ETHAN: Fry from Futurama’s here now?
AthEnA1999: You don’t belong here either!
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Neither do I!
GILES: Stop doing that!
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Hey, if AthEnA1999 can put herself into the fic, I can put myself into the riffs.
Meowth: That’d be me!
Gatomon: Catnip anyone?
RYOKO: Gatomon, you filthy drug-pusher!
Demidevimon (holding a tennis ball and racket): Tennis anyone?
Super Mario (don’t own him or the game or other characters, just high on sugar): HEY THAT’S MINE! I need that for the Mario Golf game!
MARTOK: Now that just *doesn’t* make sense! He needs a tennis ball and racket to play GOLF?
GILES: Maybe it makes sense if you’ve played the game.
*Swipes racket and ball and leaves*
RYOKO: *mimes smoking a joint, drinking a beer, and taking some pills*
ALL: *sing ‘Purple Pills’ by D-12*
James: I love your games, Mario! I defeated Bowser a million times!
AthEnA1999: Bowser/James. Hmmmmmmmm.
James: OH NO OH NO! I’M YOUR FRIEND’S!
GILES: Her friend’s what?
*Kisses Erika, who blushes.*
AthEnA1999: Kiss fest! *Kisses James and Myotismon, then turns down Mondo when he tries to kiss her.*
Mondo: Awwwwww sh— *jumps off bridge*
ETHAN: Any chance of the author jumping off a bridge?
*Genie from The Sims appears*
GENIE: CASELKA-FOZ! *sets place on fire*
ALL: *stare in a mixture of confusion and horror*
CYBERWULF: Which I call conforror!
ALL: What the fuck?
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Look at the lengths the author of this is making us go to! *extinguishes fire and leaves with Genie*
CYBERWULF: *drools openly at Giles, then leaves through magic portal which takes them back outside the fourth wall*
RYOKO: Well now I’ve seen everything! *takes out a big list and checks something off*
Myotismon: You kill me and then kiss me? What next, you kick me?
AthEnA1999: Don’t mind if I do.
Myotismon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
RYOKO: I’m losing the will to live…
Digitamamon: Roadkill anyone?
Demidevimon: Football anyone? *he’s holding a football and wearing a helmet*
AthEnA1999: Isn’t the Super Bowl going on right now? [A/N: Written on Super Bowl Sunday!]
MARTOK: (as Bruce Willis) No shit, lady!
Pizza guy: I hear the Super bowl was just called off. Something about a bowling ball with wings?
*Football team storms in and grabs the football and helmet. I kick em all in the shins as MM jumps off the bridge before I can kick him.*
AthEnA1999: Myotismon?
James: Mario?
Tony:
ALL: *stare at Giles*
GILES: What?
I’M THE GOAT MAN! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RYOKO: (as Brian Barry) Sheep on a rollercoaster!
AthEnA1999: GET OUTTA HERE!
ETHAN: Oh, how I wish I could…
Gatomon: Catnip?
Demidevimon: Golf? Who likes to golf? *hits ball right in pizza guy’s mouth.* All right! A hole in one! *pizza guy throws pizza at him* YUCK! ANCHOVIES!
Digitamamon: I’m such a nice guy it’s on me!
ETHAN: Really? It looks more like the pizza’s on Demidevimon…
GILES: God, this author’s demented…
*Cut to Spider Mastermind’s evil lair*
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Someone more insane than me! This can’t happen!!
*Cut back to theatre*
MARTOK: Did anyone else feel that?
Mondo: Really?
Digitamamon: No.
*Mondo throws empty pokeball at Digitamamon. Eggshell starts to crack.*
Tony:
ALL: *stare at Giles again*
GILES: What?!
All right! Scrambled eggs! *Drools*
James: Why the hell isn’t a Jessie/Myotismon romance going on?
Mondo: She’s high on sugar.
ALL: *sing ‘Because I Got High’ by Afroman*
Who wants to go into the mind of AthEnA1999? You gotta sign a waiver saying we’re not responsible if you’re lost in there.
AthEnA1999: There is no way in hell you’re going in there. Ahem. And now back to our regularly scheduled program— er, story.
RYOKO: Yes, we *so* want to get back to our story, ‘Mondo’s Adventures Pawing Through Meowth Shit for Rat Parts’.
Goldfish: What about me? Am I in the story? Hello! Does anyone recognize my existence? WHAT’S MY PURPOSE IN LIFE??!!
*Meowth eats the goldfish alive and swallows him whole.*
Goldfish: Bummer.
GILES: It says, even though it’s dead.
***MORE STATIC***
ETHAN: Thank Christ *that’s* over.
RYOKO: Yes, except now we get the “joys” of the story again…
MARTOK: Well, at least that random part gave *our* authors room to manoeuvre.
So, in another big city,
“Prepare for trouble!”
ALL: *yawn through the motto*
“And make it double!”
“To bring all worlds absolute devastation!”
“To attack all peoples within all nations!”
“To fill all worlds with hate, not love!”
“To take over all worlds to the stars above!”
“Jessie!”
“Myotismon!”
“Team Rocket Mon, attack twerps and digi-destined at the speed of light!”
“Surrender now or it’ll be your last fight!”
“DEMI DART! That’s right!”
That was it. People all around the city ran around screaming. “THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!”
MARTOK: (as Horseman of the Apocalypse) There, I told you!
they all screamed at the top of their lungs. They might have been right.
“That’s it,” said a trainer with a Articuno.
RYOKO: With ‘a’ Articuno?
MARTOK: Somebody needs to use grammar-check!
GILES: But Articuno can only be captured by a Kanto-based trainer! And he couldn’t have mysteriously travelled to Johto, either, because it didn’t exist when the red, blue and yellow games were made!
ETHAN: But you can trade it into gold, silver and crystal…
MARTOK: You might even be able to create more of them, but I haven’t tried yet.
RYOKO: You sad kens.
“Articuno, GO!” He threw a pokeball and the legendary articuno flew out and swooped around the city. “Articuno, use ice beam attack, now!”
Articuno screeched a loud screech,
RYOKO: Before flying a long flight, beaming an ice beam, and pecking a big peck.
flew around, and then let out a beam of ice, which froze everything in its path. It aimed right at Jessie.
“CRIMSON LIGHTNING!” The lightning shattered the beam of ice in a flash.
Jessie looked and realized she was actually grateful for something. Yes, was it possible? A crush? On a digimon? No. Humans and digimon weren’t meant to be together.
GILES: We already did this bit! In chapter seven! With Jenny and Myotismon!
Wait. Yes. Together. Digi-destined and digi partners. Yes. Humans and digimon. Together.
ETHAN: Yes, bestiality makes the world go round!
GILES: *pelts Ethan with burnt popcorn, then punches him repeatedly on the arm* Naughty, naughty, naughty!
Jessie gathered her senses. “Arbok, GO! Figthing
MARTOK: Fig thing? What’s a fig thing?
fire with fire, baby! Ha ha!
RYOKO: Yes, fighting ice with poison is *exactly* like fighting fire with fire!
Arbok, use poison sting attack now!”
“CHAAAAAAAAAAR-BOK!” Arbok sent out big stingers out at Articuno. The blue bird pokemon flew down from the sky.
“No! Articuno!” the spectator
MARTOK: Spectator? A spectator just watches! He’s doing more than just watching, he’s taking part!
GILES: You’ve never seen my show, have you?
exclaimed. He put the Articuno back into the pokeball and took out another one. “Go, Zubat!”
“ZUBAT!” The Zubat flew out of the pokeball.
ETHAN: Now he’s using a poison pokemon to fight a poison pokemon?
GILES: Well, maybe it knows Bite.
“GRISLY WING!” All of MM’s bats outnumbered the single Zubat. And that was no good.
RYOKO: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, ya think?
Zubat was so afraid he flew into his pokeball and wouldn’t come out.
“Go Golem! Rhydon! Uh… Venommoth!”
“CHAAAAAAAAAR-BOK!” Arbok’s face scared the pokemon back into their pokeballs.
MARTOK: Okay, first of all, that’s not what ‘Scary Face’ does, and secondly, two rock types and a poison/psychic/bug type? Arbok would take the worst hammering it ever got!
“Machamp! Charrizard! Eggzeggutoar! [A/N: I know that’s spelled wrong but don’t flame me about that.]
RYOKO: If she knew it was spelled wrong, why didn’t she find out the correct spelling and change it?
Blastoise! Raichu! Gyrados!”
ETHAN: *counts* This trainer’s carrying eleven pokemon! HE CAN’T DO THAT!
RYOKO: Calm down, it’s only fanfic.
ETHAN: Oh really? How would you react if you were reading an Enterprise fanfic where Archer walked into his quarters and OPENED A WINDOW?! HMMM?!?
RYOKO: *backs away a little*
“Arbok, poison sting!”
“CHAAAAAAAAAAAAR-BOK!” The poison sting knocked out half the pokemon.
GILES: How can poison sting knock out three pokemon at once?
MARTOK: Yeah, what levels are they at, single figures?
RYOKO: *listens to the entire pokemon conversation in disbelief*
“CRIMSON LIGHTNING!” The lightning kncoked
GILES: K-n-coked?
ETHAN: The drug references continue!
out the other half.
“And I’m the most powerful trainer in the city!”
MARTOK: Pathetic city, then, if you ask me…
the person with the pokemon exclaimed. “That’s it! You’ve asked for it!” He took out a pokeball, but before he could do anything, all the pokeballs disappeared, as well as Team Rocket Mon.
“Where were you Gatomon?” asked Jessie. She sniffed the air. “Catnip. Meowth used to do catnip all the time, y’know. It just wasn’t put in any of the e—
GILES: More drugs!
all right. I won’t tell anyone about your addiction.”
“No!” Gatomon exclaimed. “I heard something from a very reliable source that—
RYOKO: (as Gatomon) Licking an electrical outlet gives your hair more volume.
that— I think I forget.
MARTOK: Forget? Doesn’t she mean forgot?
I don’t remember! Aaaaaargh! That’s the side effect of this damn catnip! I forgot everything!”
“You’re in big trouble now,”
RYOKO: (as Saddam Hussein) You’re really fucked now!
GILES: (as Demidevimon, as Ricky) Gatomoooon! You got some ’splainin’ ta dooo!
said Demidevimon, showing up on the scene. Jessie left without anyone noticing. “Catnip? Whoo! Yup, you’ve got problems.”
“Shut up. Remember that stupid Nanomon and his little addiction to soda? You have the same stupid addiction? Next time you poke fun at all cats’ Achilles’ heels, I’m gonna start bombarding you with soda bombs.”
MARTOK: (as Demidevimon, pointing and laughing) Ha ha! Stupid cat heel!
RYOKO: (as Gatomon) Behold, my deadly soda bomb! *mimes shaking up can of Coke and throwing it at Demidevimon*
“Now you shut up or I’ll bombard you with catnip bombs.”
GILES: (quietly) That last line is Demidevimon…
“Where are you gonna get catnip?”
RYOKO: Gatomon…
“Where you found it.”
ETHAN: Demidevimon…
“Try to find out where I got it.”
MARTOK: Gatomon…
“The stash?”
ETHAN: Another drug reference! Who wrote this, Irvine Welsh?
RYOKO: That’s Demidevimon…
“We don’t have a stash.”
GILES: Gatomon…
“We do now.”
ETHAN: Demidevimon…
“What?”
MARTOK: Gatomon…
“You are such a PITA.”
RYOKO: Demidevimon…
“Thank you.”
GILES: Okay! Gatomon’s the one saying “Thank you”…
“You are so demented.”
ETHAN: No, AthEnA1999 is the demented one!
“Thank you.”
“Idiot.”
“Thank you.”
“WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”
“Thank you.”
“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!” Gatomon clutched her fur.
GILES: THERE! The author messed it up! Gatomon’s the one annoyingly saying “Thank you”, so she’s now trying to kill *herself*!!
OTHERS: *Round of applause*
“LIGHTNING CLAW!” She lunged right at Demidevimon, who wasn’t prepared. Demidevimon crashed right to the floor.
“Hey, watch it! That’s my Demi Darting wing!” He tried to get up when he heard Jessie speaking in an out-of-the-way room.
RYOKO: He heard her speaking in an out-of-the-way room…
ETHAN: Demidevimon must have supersonic hearing.
GILES: Either that, or Jessie needs to turn the volume down on her voice.
“…in my life. I don’t know about humans loving digimon, but I hope it is possible. You are the only one who understands me. I mean, we’re both mean and nasty and evil, but you’re a digimon and I’m…”
Gatomon and Demidevimon looked at each other and forgot the entire ordeal over the catnip. They grinned, knowing they were going to dig up some dirt about the ultimate romantic couple.
MARTOK: When did this story turn into Romeo and Juliet?
OTHERS: *stare*
MARTOK: (indignant) Oh what, just because I’m a Klingon, I can’t appreciate Shakespeare?! (as Fyarl Demon Giles) Bloody humans!
They skulked along the stone halls until they got to a room. The human and the digimon were in there.
“Do you think…
RYOKO: (as Gatomon) I should dye my hair?
GILES: (as Gatomon) I should join the circus?
ETHAN: (as Gatomon) Meowth likes cheese?
MARTOK: (as Gatomon) …it could work out between us, Demidevimon?
” Gatomon whispered.
Eyes met, blue to blue. Blue eyes and blue eyes, staring into the other’s blue eyes. Love. In love. Yes. Jessie and Myotismon— in love for the first time. For real. True. This wasn’t just a seduction thing.
GILES: (panicky) They’re not going to show us the seduction, are they?
RYOKO: (as Rob Flynn) Oh my fucking God!!!
Two villains in love? OMG
MARTOK: Omg? *stands up and knocks over popcorn with fist* WHAT DID SHE CALL ME?!?
OTHERS: *attempt to calm him down, eventually luring him back into his seat with blood wine*
, this is sweet!
“Dirt city,” Demidevimon agreed.
Human and digimon. About to unite two immensely different beings. About to unite. As one.
ETHAN: Aww… it’s so romantic… *sits in Giles’ lap*
GILES: Get off! *stands up, dumping Ethan on the floor*
Being peered at by two pair of unwelcome eyes.
“Jessie…”
“Myo…”
Not faking it. Faces grew closer, more beautiful in the fluorescent glow of the silver moon. The prying digis looked on. Closer… closer… A kiss. A kiss of true love. Jessie felt something run through her hair.
ETHAN: A cockroach!
MM? He felt Jessie fondling him.
ALL: Lemon alert! Lemon alert!
GILES: (as Sisko) Battle stations!
RYOKO: (as Scotty) The shields won’t hold!
Love. More than just a partnership. Jessie and Myotismon. They were brought together by fate. More than just Team Rocket Mon. Love was more than just a single kiss. Human and digi… unite.
MARTOK: What is this, a trailer for a movie?!
Gatomon and Demidevimon, seeing this scene unfold before their eyes, ran into a room where no one could hear them. Then they practically exploded.
MARTOK: Fur and Digimon guts splattered on the walls…
“OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” Gatomon screamed. “HOLY SHOT!
ETHAN: Shouldn’t that be “Holy shit”?
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!”
“MY MIND HAS BEEN SCARRED! LOVE!” Demidevimon flew around the room in circles. “That was so sentimental I think I’m gonna PUKE! I swear I’m gonna HURL ANY SECOND!”
RYOKO: That’s probably because you’re flying in circles and making yourself dizzy.
“Me too!” Gatomon exclaimed. She really meant it, too. She turned green, and then puked all over the place. It was green from the catnip.
ALL: *grimace*
GILES: …very pleasant…
“NOW I’M GONNA PUKE!” Demidevimon flew out of the room. “I need some air!”
Gatomon puked again.
MARTOK: *pukes and wipes mouth on chancellor robe*
OTHERS: AAAGGGHHH! *all scurry as far away as possible*
“Man, she really can’t stand sentimental stuff,” Demidevimon remarked. “I think she oughta start laying off the catnip.”
“I heard that,” said Gatomon.
And it turned out that the puking wasn’t from the sentimental moment she and Demidevimon had witnessed. It was the catnip. The catnip was tainted.
MARTOK: That’s because System of a Down put it there!
It did grow in the wrong part of the woods.
RYOKO: Yeah, that whole area around the Three Bears’ house is very dodgy.
And puking wasn’t the worst part of what the catnip had caused. She and Meowth must have had a ton of catnip, because neither remembered a thing. They might have done something drastic.
Even when the puking stopped, Gatomon had a dirty feeling.
ETHAN: She’d been a dirty, dirty girl!
As if something was horribly wrong. And there was something that possibly was wrong. It depended on how others saw it.
Gatomon was expecting kittens. And not just any kittens. Cross-bred Gatomon/Meowth kittens. And they would arrive in three weeks.
To be continued…
(The riffers breathe a sigh of relief as the automatic locks on the doors are released.)
GILES: (sarcastic) Oh, it’s *so* romantic, all that puking and feeling dirty and not being able to remember anything…
RYOKO: How the hell did Gatomon get pregnant?
ETHAN: Well, when she and Meowth were rolling in the catnip, Meowth must’ve just sli-
GILES: *clamps hand over Ethan’s mouth* Enough!
RYOKO: I don’t mean *when*, I mean *how*! They have no geni-
GILES: ENOUGH!!
MARTOK: Who cares? It’s over. Let’s all get drunk and play knife games!
(All leave the theatre.)