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Title: Critique
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Critique - By Kojiro
Rated... um, I don't know the American rating
system. So, it's rated W, for weird. No swearing, little smut. So
there.
***WARNING: The following fic is *silly*. Try to take it
seriously, and you risk a severe headache.***
Summary: A little messed-up
story I concocted in Art class when I should have been studying a Roman relief.
Ah, well. Basically, the characters and the author have a little
conversation.
Characters: Mostly Xander and Oz, but Giles, Angel, Anya and
Drusilla show up. And me, in a way.
Genre: Poor Comedy. But I
try.
Feedback: blue@team-rocket.net
***The story starts... in the
Sunnydale High school Library. No, wait, The Bronze. Yeah. Xander and Oz are
stood on the dancefloor. No, at the bar. No, near the stairs, watching girlies
dance.***
Oz: Make your mind up, I'm getting kinda dizzy.
Xander: I'm
getting into this. (waves at a girl, who winks back at him) Nice placement,
Koji!
***Thank you. OK, so along comes a girl, who stands next to
Oz.***
Oz: What kinda girl?
***Huh?***
Oz: Well, is she
pretty, familiar, mysterious, evil...?
***Erm... she's kinda tall. With
blue hair, and green eyes. Her name is Blue.***
Xander: If you could get
anymore SI, we'd be you.
Oz: He has a point. Don't be so obvious,
Ko.
***Don't get uppity with me, people. I can... change
things...***
*Spooky crashing noise*
Xander: (looking over his
shoulder) Was that the best you can do? I make that sound every time I drop my
lunch in the dinner hall.
Oz: Reminded me of band
practice.
***Grr...***
*Girl morphs into a mean looking grizzly
bear who advances on the guys.*
***Neener, neener, neener!***
Oz:
*backing away* I get the feeling that you're trying to make a point.
Xander:
OK, fine. No more heckling of the great fic writer!
***Good
boy.***
*Bear disapears*
Xander: *coughs- sounds remarkably like
"Crap."*
Oz: *smirks*
***I can control your speech, you know. I
control all.***
Xander: *bowing down, mocking* Oh mighty ficmaster,
without whom we would be nought!
***Ahem.***
Xander: I really love
your girlfriend, Oz. She's possibly the biggest fox to ever walk the earth. Eep!
*Oz gives him a shocked, yet highly nasty glare.*
Xander: *claps hands
over his mouth, but continues, muffled* However, my heart belongs to Jonathan.
He rocks my world. In fact, I feel like finding him, and making sweet love to
him, right here, on this dance floor!
*turns to the nearest beautiful girl -
like there's a shortage of them in Sunnydale*
Hi baby! How about you come
back to mine, where I can kill you and wear your face like a mask?
Girl:
Eeek! *slaps him, hard.*
*Oz recovers from the glare to grin widely at
Xander's misfortune.*
***Not good enough.***
*Girl morphs into
Giles, who punches Xander*
Giles: Why in the hell am I here? This isn't my
type of fic. Normally I'd be in one of those odd shipper fics with Buffy or
Willow.
Oz: *Laughing out loud*
Xander: (to Koji) You
psycho!
***Ooo, testy. Have it your way. Let's go back a few lines and
change stuff.***
Xander: *breathes* Good... a better idea.
Oz: *crying
with laughter* He..hee...!
*Xander glares at him*
***Here we go...
instead of `he turns to the nearest beautiful girl`...***
Xander: Uh
huh...
***He turns *into* the beautiful girl!***
Xander:
Nooo!
*Morphs into the girl who had slapped him*
*Giles starts to take an
interest*
Giles: Ah. And..who are you?
Xander: (High voice) I'm Xena, sexy
table dancer from the Lady's Night Dance Club! (Normal voice) No I'm
not!
Giles: Right...
***Hee hee... I'm enjoying
this!***
Xander/Xena: This is cruel and unusual punishment!
Giles:
Would you like to come for a coffee? I've heard good things about Gold
Blend...
Oz: *uncontrollable laughter*
Xander/Xena: *desperate* Oz? A
little help? Buddy?
Oz: After what you said about Willow?
Nah.
***Bored now...***
*Xander morphs back.*
***Hmm, now
what?***
Xander: I'll have flashbacks of that moment forever. *Pause.
Then:* Though, I did have quite the womanboobies.
Oz: Very
formidable.
Giles: I'm almost jealous.
***I'm gonna be generous, now.
I don't like being evil to good people. Well, don't like it as much as other
things, anyway.***
Xander: Well, ding, dong, the witch is
dead!
***Watch it.***
Xander: Sorry.
***So... because
something has to happen at some point... do you have a wish I can
grant?***
Oz: New plectrum for my guitar?
***Done.***
*Oz
picks up a tiny piece of plastic from the floor*
Oz:
Thanks.
***S'alright.***
*Xander dances from one foot to the
other*
Xander: Me, me, me! Bring Angel here.
***Done... and I wanna
know where you're going from here.***
*Angel appears on the floor of the
Bronze*
Angel: What the-
Xander: Now dress him in ballet gear! Slippers,
tutu, the works!
***Odd, but it's your wish.***
*Angel finds
himself dressed in a Swan Lake outfit*
Angel: Argh! Undead creatures of the
night aren't meant to wear pink!
Xander: Hah! Be all angsty and sexy in
that!
Oz/Giles: *giggle*
*Random girls crowd around Swan Lake
Angel*
Girls: We just *love* a guy who shows his feminine side!
Giles:
Er... I have a tutu! And coffee!
Girls: Ooo!
Angel: Can I save any of you
ladies from evil?
*Swan Lake Angel and the girls walk off, Giles following
quickly.*
Giles: It's a frilly tutu! In baby blue!
***Happy
now?***
Xander: No! He still got the girls.
***Aw, poor Xander.
You want someone?***
Xander: Yeah!
***OK, but you asked for
it.***
*Drusilla appears*
Xander: Ack!
Drusilla: Hello, pretty
little boy. Can I play with you?
Xander: Gah... um... no, play with Oz! He
gets strokable fur once a month!
Drusilla: You have pretty hair.
*Dru
strokes Xander's hair*
Xander: *Mumbles something to Oz*
Oz: I'm outta
here.
Xander: Hey! A little help?
Oz: You tried to pass me to Dru! I don't
want to be her cuddly werewolf!
Drusilla: *stops stroking Xander* Ooo, cuddly
dog! I want to play with the doggy. All my pets seem to break after a
while...
Oz: Argh!
*Oz dashes away, Dru following, holding a dog
treat.*
Drusilla: Want a meat flavoured biscuit, doggy?
Xander:
*sighs*
***Sorry, that didn't work out either, huh?***
Xander:
Even the crazy chicks won't have me.
***What, you'd have
her?***
Xander: *sobbing* I just wanna get laid for once! Is that so much
to ask?
***Is that it? Hmm. Well, I want an end to this fic, and you want
a shag. I have an idea.***
Xander: Huh?
*Anya appears*
Anya: Come
along, man, we have to procreate.
Xander: ...uh? Why?
Anya: Because I want
to.
*she grabs his collar, and drags him away.*
***And that's that.
Can I go now? I'm missing Dragonball Z.***
That's it! Feedback
appreciated, begged for, is my life blood. dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk
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