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-^)--)~ Cyberwulf and The Spider Mastermind //\O/\\ Productions Present
And Now For Something Completely Demented
An amalgamation of ‘Buffy Pokémon’s Flying Dragon’ -^)--)~ and ‘Extremely Fucked Up Notions’ //\O/\\ .
(Cue theme music-‘Liberty Bell’- but not for long , as we cut to a letter .)
Voice-over (John Cleese): Dear Sir , I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the title of this fic and its so-called theme song . Both have been blatantly copied from the excellent comedy classic ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’. Surely we net-heads deserve better . Incidentally , I would also like to point out at this time that I have worked all my life in a high building and have never once wuuaaaaaaggghhhh !
(Cut to shot of dummy falling out of a high building and hitting the ground below . Cut to the late , great Graham Chapman , dressed as a colonel .)
Colonel : Now then ! I have no objection to this fic being as zany as you like , as long as it isn’t just a rip-off of Monty Python . We’ve had two cases of thievery already , and that’s two too many . Any more of it , and I shall have to take action . Now stop describing me , as I have no business being in this thing . (Colonel vanishes .) Good . And now , a musical interlude .
(A stage . A very strange band indeed is playing on it . Scott Evil is the lead singer and guitarist . A metallic silver robotic Cyberwulf is playing the bass , while the Spider Mastermind , which resembles a giant brain on a giant robot spider body , pounds the drums with all but two of its weird cybernetic legs .)
Scott (sings): Oh-oh , we’re halfway there
Band : Wo-oh ! Fallin’ down the stairs
Scott : Take my hand , we’ll make it I swear
Band : Wo-oh ! Fallin’ down the stairs
Scott : Fallin’ down the sta-a-airs !
(His wonderful guitar solo is practically drowned out by the sound of someone violently falling down the stairs . Skip to a TV announcer . It is James , in full drag .)
James (camp): And that was Scott Von Evil and the Cybersiblings with their latest cover , ‘Falling Down the Stairs’ , available on their album , ‘Oh the Pain’ . It also features their first single , ‘Everybody Hurts - When They’re Run Over by a Lawnmower’ . (pats hair daintily)
(Cut to Worf , standing in the street . He is wearing a pink tutu , a silver tiara , and is holding a wand with a star stuck on the end .)
Worf : Bloody fairy .
Colonel (off-screen): I heard that !
Worf : Oh , you’re no fun anymore !
Colonel : Right !
(There is a shot . Worf flies backwards and dies . Vox pops .)
Jessie (dragged up like the biker guy from the Village People): I not only like dressing up in drag , I’m smug about it .
Geordi LaForge : I object to all this sex on computers . It’s really bad for the keyboard , y’know .
Pikachu (agreeing): Pika pika !
(Track out to reveal Pikachu standing in a lovely animated meadow . An extremely badly animated – think Terry Gilliam -)
Colonel : Watch it !
(Sorry . An extremely badly animated Meowth comes into the scene , picks up Pikachu and eats it noisily . A Growlithe shuffles into the scene and eats the Meowth . A very badly animated Charizard walks into the scene and eats the Growlithe , complete with loud crunching sounds . Then an Onix slides up to the Charizard and chews it up headfirst . The Onix belches . Then it spits up some letters , which arrange themselves into the caption -)
“ THE WORLD OF SPORT ”
(A TV studio . Professor Oak is sitting at a desk . There is a monitor behind him .)
Oak : Hello and welcome to The World of Sport . We now go to Interdimensional Boxing . Tonight , Rupert ‘Ripper’ Giles will fight the Super Namek , Kamiccolo .
(We go live to the ring , which is actually a square patch of ground in the middle of nowhere , fenced off with ropes and turnbuckles . Giles is making his way to the ring , dressed in ridiculously large trunks and red boxing gloves . He is flanked by Xander , who is carrying the spit bucket , and Willow , who has a towel . Hordes of screaming female fans greet his entrance to the ring .)
Voice-over (Oak): Rupert ‘Ripper’ Giles , looking particularly buff for this fight .
(No he doesn’t .)
Voice-over (Oak): Used to box for Oxford , (Giles punches the air before striking a slightly pathetic ‘put up your dukes’ pose) and fought his way here through both the librarian league and the Watcher league . And here comes his opponent , Kamiccolo !
(Hordes of Nameks cheer as Piccolo steps into the ring . Gohan is at ringside , and takes his turban and cloak . Piccolo starts cracking his knuckles .)
Voice-over (Oak): Yes , Kamiccolo , better known as Piccolo to his friends , recently merged with Kami to become a Super Namek , as part of some really complicated storyline that no-one really understands . Apparently he’s one of the strongest beings in the world , perhaps even the universe . (Piccolo cranes his neck from side to side, getting all the kinks out .) And it looks like we’re about to get underway .
(Willow takes Giles’s glasses off him and holds them for him . A bell goes . Giles shuffles out to Piccolo and dances around him , getting in the odd light punch here and there . Piccolo just looks at him , and then draws back his fist and smashes Giles right in the jaw , sending him flying . He runs up to Giles . We return to the studio . The fight can still be seen on the screen behind Professor Oak .)
Oak : And we’ll be bringing you more of that fight later on . (On the screen , we can see Piccolo straddling Giles , pounding the crap out of him . Blood and teeth fly everywhere . Willow is screaming in the background .) But first , a bit of fun .
(A typical Buffy/Spike fight . But , just as Buffy goes to hit Spike , he grabs her wrist . She tries to break free , but he holds her tight .)
Spike : Not so fast . (Pause . He smirks .) Know what my favourite sin is ?
(He doesn’t have to tell her . She can see it blazing in his eyes .
Lust .
He growls , and shoves her body against his . Buffy gasps . Both of them glance downwards briefly . Spike licks his lips .)
Spike : I have something for you .
(A shiver runs through Buffy . Spike kisses her so hard it leaves her breathless . She could break free . . . but she doesn’t want to . Attraction towards someone you hate can be very powerful . Spike runs his tongue along her jugular vein .)
Spike (savage whisper): Succumb .
(Buffy begins to go weak in his arms . . .
Suddenly Chichi storms on from stage left . Buffy and Spike halt and stare at her in astonishment . She stands in front of them , blocking them from view , and addresses the ‘audience’.)
Chichi : CUT ! That’s IT ! We’re not going to allow this sort of smut on the screen ! This depraved and degrading description is going to end right now , do you hear me ? Cease immediately ! (etc.)
(Cut to Master Roshi and Yajerobi sitting in an otherwise deserted cinema , staring at the screen in disgust .)
Master Roshi : Dang it ! Just when it was getting good !
(They get up and leave . We see an outside shot of the cinema . They walk down the street and pass Ant and Dec , who are kicking a hand-grenade back and forth between them without letting it touch the ground .)
Caption : “ TWO STUPID GEORDIES”
Geordi LaForge comes towards them , in the opposite direction to Yajerobi and Master Roshi .
Geordi LaForge : Hi , fellas .
Ant deftly kicks the grenade to Geordi , and all three of them start passing it back and forth .
Caption : “ THREE STUPID GEORDIES”
Caption and voice-over (Data): And now . . . completely unrelated footage of a rabbit being thrown off a cliff .
(Stock footage of an obviously fake rabbit falling off a cliff .)
Caption and voice-over (Data): And now . . . Robbie Fowler kicking a rabbit off a cliff .
(Footage of Robbie running up to take a penalty in the League Cup Final against Birmingham . Just as he’s about to kick the ball , we cut to stock footage of the rabbit falling off a cliff .)
Caption and voice-over (Data): And now . . . Robbie Williams kicking a rabbit off a cliff .
(Music video – possibly Rock DJ. Robbie dancing around . There is a whack and a rabbitty squeal . Stock footage of the rabbit falling off a cliff .)
Voice-over (Data): And now . . . this .
(Inside shot . A blank , white studio wall . Giles , still as a boxer , and looking very beaten up , runs on from stage left . He is frightened and breathless . He glances over his shoulder , and then spots the camera .)
Giles (nervous): Ah . Hello . (Spike slouches onscreen from stage right , grinning wickedly .) Um , William and I were meant to do a scene here , but , ahm . . . it’s been cut . Er , owing to its frank depiction of narcotics abuse , adult relationships , and public order offences .
Spike (translating): Too much booze , sex and VIOLENCE .
Giles : Yes , quite . You see , inspired by the rumours and trailer for the series finale of Buffy , one of the authors [-^)--)~] was going to have us get a little tipsy . . .
Spike (correcting): Completely bladdered .
Giles : Yes , and then we were going to engage in a street brawl –
Spike : Rupert was gonna bash me ’ead in with a chair .
Giles : Ye-
Spike (with ‘innocent’ smile): Ever so sexfully , of course .
Giles : Right . And then , exhausted , in our . . . pain and grief , we were going to rodg– er , reach out , for each other , and eh . . . (swallows nervously) consummate our relationship , as it were .
Spike : We were going to go to bed together . (with a touch of relish) VIOLENTLY .
Giles : Yes . But , unfortunately , Chichi heard about this scene , and threatened to kill , stab and possibly maim the author if she dared type a word of it . So , it’s gone , I’m afraid . Frightfully sorry .
(Piccolo suddenly breaks through the wall behind them . Both duck and shield themselves from the flying debris .)
Piccolo : GRAAAAGHH !
Giles : Oh dear , must dash !
Spike : Go gettim , tiger !
(He slaps Giles on the rear as the Watcher runs off to the right .)
Chichi (off-screen): I saw that !
Spike : Shit ! (quickly) We’ll be back after these messages !
(He runs off to the left . Chichi follows , brandishing a large frying pan .
Advertisement . Shot of an incredibly tacky child’s microphone .
Voiceover (Cyberwulf): New from Reelykrappe – the All-New Singalong Reality Microphone !
(Shot of Microphone dancing from side to side on incredibly crappy background of neon green star shapes .)
Voiceover (Cyberwulf): Yes folks , the All-New Singalong Reality Microphone picks up the lyrics you sing and makes them reality ! But be careful what you sing about . . .
(Shot of Tom Paris with A-NSR Microphone .)
Paris (sings): I’m a loser baby
So why don’t you kill me . . .
(A phaser blast hits him right in the chest . He flies backwards and dies .
Shot of Data with A-NSR Microphone .
Data (sings): Why does it always rain on me . . .
(There is a crash of thunder and it starts to lash rain . Data promptly violently short-circuits .
Shot of Chakotay with A-NSR Microphone .)
Chakotay (sings): She’s a maniac , maniac , that’s for sure . . .
(Janeway comes running up behind him , a mad look on her face , and swings back a huge axe . Cut back to picture of microphone .)
Voiceover (Cyberwulf): So if you too would like to be the life and death of parties , order now by calling 087 RLEKRAP – after 9pm , 087 SEXCHAT – and the All-New Singalong Reality Microphone can be yours for just IR£999.99 , or the equivalent in euros , whatever the fuck that is . (pause) What’s that you say ? You can’t pay in IR£? Well I’m sure you know where the Bureau de Change is . So don’t just sit there , pick up the phone ! (pauses again) What ? You . . . DON’T . . . want to buy our product ? Well you’d better . (waits) What are WE going to do if you don’t , you scoff ? Well how’s this , readers – Spider and I control what you see and hear ! (evil laugh //\O/\\) So , just for that , you get another feckin’ ad !
(Cut to Professor Farnsworth . He is in the conference room of the Planet Express Delivery Service Headquarters .)
Farnsworth : Good news , everyone ! I’ve managed to genetically cross the DNA of an apple with that of a chilli pepper , and have come up with a fruit that’s also a powerful laxative ! I call it a Crapple !
(He holds up something that looks like an apple , only it’s orange . Cut to Amy , looking all cute and slim .)
Amy : I gained ten pounds over the summer . With Professor Farnsworth’s Crapples , I managed to get back down to my original weight , AND lost a little extra . (She calls to someone off camera .) You should try it , Leela !
Leela (off-screen): Aargh !
(Cut to Hermes .)
Hermes : As a bureaucrat , it’s very important to me ta only have ta answer nature’s call durin’ da designated bathroom breaks . A Crapple a day keeps me monotonously regular !
(His watch beeps . He gets up and leaves , taking the newspaper and a roll of toilet paper with him .
Cut to shot of bathroom door .)
Fry (from behind door): Professor Farnsworth’s Crapples really work , and they taste great ! Only trouble is , you can’t eat just one !
(Sound of toilet flushing . Cut back to Professor Farnsworth .)
Farnsworth : So come on down to Planet Express Delivery Service Headquarters and get your Crapples today ! Only five dollars for six ! Guaranteed NOT to hatch into a monster in your stomach !
(He holds the Crapple up to the camera and smiles nervously . End of ad .
A computer screen . There is a game of Lemmings running . On closer inspection , all the lemmings seem to be little David Beckhams . They’re happily walking off a cliff in their usual wholesome way . Cut to reveal the Spider Mastermind playing with the computer and laughing evilly . He turns to the camera .)
Spider Mastermind : And now back to our programme .
(Cut to caption :)
“THE WORLD OF SPORT”
(We go to Professor Oak in the studio . He spots the camera and quickly drops the Nidoran . He composes himself and clears his throat .)
Oak : Welcome back to The World of Sport . We’ll be returning to the Ripper versus Piccolo fight shortly , but first , highlights of today’s The World’s Biggest Fairy competition .
(We go to a lovely sunny meadow in the middle of nowhere . James is wearing a Swan Lake outfit . Worf is in his fairy costume , with not so much as an Elastoplast to show where he had his little accident earlier . David Beckham’s Man U shirt is dyed pink and he’s wearing a little tiara .)
Commentator (anonymous and manic): And you’re very welcome to this , the first annual World’s Biggest Fairy competition ! Only three competitors , but you never know , things may pick up ! Representing the world of animé , and in particular , Pokémon , James of Team Rocket !
(Cheers . James strikes a ballet pose .)
Commentator : Representing the world of sci-fi , and in particular , Star Trek – both TNG and DS9 – Lieutenant Worf !
Spider Mastermind (off-screen): Lieutenant Commander !
Commentator : I do apologise , Lieutenant Commander Worf !
(Worf flicks his wand daintily . Lots of cheering from Klingon transvestites , and lots of laughter from everyone else .)
Martok (off-screen , yells): You dishonour the House of Martok !
Worf (camp , bitchy): Slow down , sailor !
Commentator : And last but not least , representing Premier League Football , and losers- I mean , Man United in particular , David Beckham !
(David curtseys and nibbles a lolly prettily . Cheers .)
Commentator : And we kick off with the first event , which is skipping daintily through a field of flowers !
(Cut to a field full of pretty flowers .)
Commentator : And the first contestant through the field of flowers is . . . James !
(Swan Lake James ballet-prances through the field of flowers . He stops in the middle and does a little twirl , before daintily skipping away . Cut to Angel , Captain Picard , Vegeta and Cat Deely , who all hold up cards for marks out of ten .)
Commentator : And it’s 28.5 points for James , an excellent score there ! And next up , it’s Worf !
(Worf takes a run up and goes skipping very heavily through the field . Flowers fly everywhere .)
Commentator : Oh dear , oh dear , that simply won’t do – there’s far too many dead flowers there ! He’s massacring them ! And the judges don’t like that at all !
(True . Our four judges , shaking their heads disapprovingly , hold up their cards .)
Commentator : And oh dear , it’s only 19.7 there for Worf (Worf scowls at the judges) and the question now is can he come back from that ? And here’s the favourite , David Beckham !
(David goes skipping beautifully through the field . He’s almost across when he trips . Giving the judges a quick glance , he grabs his leg and rolls around in agony .)
Commentator : Well this is highly suspect behaviour , an old footballer’s trick , but . . . (The judges hold up their cards .) but it seems to have fooled the judges , it’s 32.2 there for David Beckham , putting him in the lead at the end of the first event ! And on to the second round – it’s bitch-slapping !
(All the contestants are standing in a small circle . Cat’s the referee .)
Commentator : And James won the toss , so he gets to start .
(James slaps David across the face .)
Commentator : And it’s a strong opening there by James , his skills honed of course by years of training with Team Rocket .
(David responds by swatting James limply on the head , and follows up with an equally limp back-hander across the face .)
Commentator : But Beckham won’t take it lying down , and there’s the old one-two! David’s been well trained by his wife Victoria and oh , what’s this ?
(Worf twirls around and around , daintily hitting the other two with his fairy wand .)
Commentator : Worf is using his magical fairy powers ! And the referee is actually allowing this !
(Cat nods to Worf , who carries on . The other two sink under the blows .)
Commentator : And it looks like – yes , it’s all over , (Cat holds Worf’s arm up) and Lieutenant Commander Worf has won the bitch-slapping competition , putting him in the lead in this oft-cruel game ! So it’s onto the next round which is – oh , my word !
(Cut to bird’s eye view of the stadium . Hordes of Klingons have jumped the barriers and are storming onto the pitch .)
Commentator : It’s a pitch invasion ! Yes , apparently the Klingons are not impressed with Worf in a fairy costume , and they’re putting a stop to it !
(Another bird’s eye view . Klingons from the other side of the stadium are storming onto the pitch .)
Commentator : And there go the members of the KTS – Klingon Transvestite Society – to meet these fascist thugs head on !
(Both groups rush together and beat the shit out of each other . The competitors and other fans walk off in disgust .)
Commentator : And I’m afraid it’s been abandoned ! Yes , the World’s Biggest Fairy competition has been abandoned , all thanks to those narrow-minded Nazi bully-boy Klingon skinhead fascists down there – (cut to commentator’s box to reveal commentator is John Cleese) how I hate them all , with their cloaking devices and stupid foreheads , shoot ’em all , that’s what I say . . . (He starts chewing the microphone and gets down on all fours .) . . . grrr. . . grrr. . .
Voiceover (Spider Mastermind): We’re experiencing some technical difficulties . In the meantime , here is a man in a straitjacket .
(Cut to Straitjacket Man from Simon the Sorcerer II .)
Straitjacket Man (giggling madly): D-d-do you want to know a secret ?
(Before he can continue , Simon the Sorcerer walks onscreen and addresses the authors .)
Simon : Hey ! You’re stealing my act ! Do you losers realise how long it took the writers to come up with this bit ?
Cyberwulf (from above): But it’s just so funny !
Simon : Well Mr. Woodroffe has sent me to tell you to bloody well cut it out , or we’ll sue your arses off !
Spider Mastermind (from above): Yeah , good luck finding us ! Honestly , it’s just lawsuit , lawsuit , lawsuit with you people !
Simon : All right , matey , how about this ? We’ll never send you any of our games , ever again !
Authors : NOOOOOO !
Spider Mastermind : All right , all right , we won’t do it . (grumpily) Cry-baby .
Cyberwulf (bored , snaps . . . damn , no fingers !): Cue The World of Sport !
(Cut suddenly back to Professor Oak in the studio . He straightens up the sheets of paper in front of him .)
Oak : We now return to Rupert ‘Ripper’ Giles versus Kamiccolo .
(Cut to tombstone with the inscription ‘Rupert Giles , beloved Watcher and librarian’. There is a coffin waiting to go into the grave . Track out to reveal a priest , the entire cast of Buffy – dressed in mourning gear – and Piccolo , dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief . Xander is bawling .)
Priest : Ashes to ashes , dust to dust . . .
(Joyce suddenly pushes through the other mourners and flings herself on the coffin .)
Joyce : Rupert ! NOOO ! And we never got to have sex again !
(Chichi appears out of nowhere .)
Chichi : Right !
(She twists Joyce’s arm behind her back and hustles her off . We return to Professor Oak in the studio .)
Oak (somberly): Rupert . . . ‘Ripper’ . . . Giles . . . one of the . . . greatest librarians . . . ever to play the game . (He buries his face in his hands and sobs uncontrollably for a few seconds , then instantly returns to normal .) And now , the violent and bloody death of a sweet little bunny rabbit !
(A lovely meadow . We see a sweet little bunny rabbit happily nibbling some grass , unaware of the deadly lawnmower bearing down on it . As it’s about to hit , we cut back to the studio .)
Oak : I’m afraid we can’t show you the rest of that footage , as we’ve had five thousand complaints about it . So , we now take you to tonight’s film .
CHEESY CINEMA CROSSOVERS PRESENTS
THE BLAIR WITCH POKÉMON
(Shaky footage of Misty staring , very scared , into the camera .)
Misty (frightened , crying): I want to apologise . . . to Ash’s mom , and to Brock’s dad , and to my sisters . . . because despite what Ash says now , it is my fault , because I brought them here , and it was my project . . .
(Cut to black and white footage of trees and forest at night .)
Misty (off-camera): Hellooo ? Hellooo ?
Creepy thing (off-camera): Piiik-pikachu !
(Shaky black and white footage of Misty running through the trees ahead of the camera , screaming her head off . We cut to the cinema , which is full of most of the characters that appeared in this thing . Vegeta is laughing like a maniac . Beside him, Bulma sighs wistfully at all the couples who are snuggled up together .
Buffy is staring at the screen , eating her popcorn and concentrating fiercely . Spike is sitting two seats away from her . He leers over at her , and goes to grab her , when Chichi pops up behind him .)
Chichi : OH no you don’t !
(She pours an extremely cold drink that is 95% ice into his lap . Spike screams and falls onto the floor , grabbing himself in a most undignified manner . Chichi nods in satisfaction . Suddenly , the Spider Mastermind pops up behind her .)
Spider Mastermind : You’ve ruined our fun for the last time ! DIE , BITCH !
Chichi : EEEK !
(She runs screaming from the cinema . The Spider Mastermind chases her . Goku is hanging around outside the cinema .)
Goku : Oh no ! CHICHI !
(He sets off in pursuit .
They pass Ant , Dec and Geordi LaForge , still kicking the grenade , and soon the Spider Mastermind is chasing Chichi over some convenient green hills , with Goku still flying after them . Suddenly , there is a flash in front of Chichi , and a weird portal type thing opens . Your basic fire and brimstone is visible on the other side of the portal . Chichi stops short and screams . A big Freddie Kruger hand grabs her and pulls her in violently , a lá the end of Nightmare on Elm Street – God that was funny -^)--)~ . The Spider Mastermind laughs evilly .)
Goku : NOOOOO ! Who’s going to wash my underwear now ?
Cyberwulf (appearing from nowhere): Do it yourself , you sexist bastard !
Goku : Y’know , I never thought of that . . .
(The Spider Mastermind flicks him away with one of its legs .)
Goku : YAAAAGHHH !
Cyberwulf : So Spider , we leave anything unfinished ?
(There is a distant explosion . Geordi’s VISOR lands on the ground .)
Spider Mastermind : Not anymore .
(A huge army – mechanised infantry , tanks , artillery , the works – arrives over the hill . Cyberwulf and the Spider Mastermind look at each other in horror .)
Authors : OH SHIT !
(End credits roll as the authors flee from the advancing army .)
“And Now for Something Completely Demented” was written by , conceived by and starred :
Cyberwulf and the Spider Mastermind
Also appearing were:
Scott Evil
(created by Mike Myers)
Jessie , James , Professor Oak , Pikachu , Meowth , Growlithe , Charizard , Onix , Nidoran , Misty
(created by Satoshi Tajeri)
Worf , Data , Geordi LaForge , Captain Picard , Klingons
(created by Gene Roddenberry)
Martok , Tom Paris , Captain Janeway , Chakotay
(based on Star Trek , created by Gene Roddenberry)
Rupert Giles , Buffy Summers , William ‘Spike’ the Bloody , Xander Harris , Willow Rosenberg , Joyce Summers , Angel
(created by Joss Whedon)
Vegeta , Bulma , Piccolo , Gohan ,Goku , Chichi , Master Roshi , Yajerobi
(created by Akira Toriyama)
Fry , Leela , Amy , Professor Farnsworth , Hermes
(created by Matt Groening)
Simon the Sorcerer , Straitjacket Man
(created by Simon Woodroffe – we love your work by the way ! //\O/\\ -^)--)~)
One priest
and
James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader
(Ooh , look at all the stuff we’ve ripped off !)
Ant McPartlin , Declan Donnelly and Cat Deely appeared because we felt like it .
Robbie Fowler , Robbie Williams and David Beckham did not give their permission to appear in this fanfic – probably because we didn’t ask them .
Graham Chapman appeared from beyond the grave .
Colonel : No I didn’t !
Have it your way . John Cleese appeared without his knowledge . Some material was supplied by our sister , who shall remain nameless , blameless and shameless .
Captions by: ZZ Top Subliminal Captioning
(give us all your money)
(all your hugs and kisses too)
No animals were hurt in the typing of this fic . The rabbits turned nasty and started brandishing shotguns , though .
No offence was intended by this fic .
PRO: Adolf Hitler
Executive Consultant: Saddam Hussein
Peasants kept in line by: Josef Stalin (If you don’t like it read the above line)
Send all flames , letter bombs and complaints to : kiss_our_arses@fuckyou.com
The preceding fic was extremely weird and should not have been read by anyone .
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