-^)--)~ Cyberwulf and The Spider Mastermind //\O/\\ Productions Featuring Deaf Nelly Present
And
Now For Something Completely Demented
(The camera cuts suddenly to
Graham Chapman , dressed as a colonel .)
Colonel : Oh no you don’t ! I warned the pair of you
about this sort of thing last time. That fic title has been blatantly stolen
from ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’, and I insist you remove it , or else I
shall haunt you both . (to camera)
And stop describing me !
(Cut to Cyberwulf and the Spider Mastermind , a silver robot wolf and a giant brain on a robot spider body , respectively , looking bored and pissed off .)
Cyberwulf : Okay , okay .
(Cyberwulf crosses out the
episode title , thus:)
Cyberwulf : Happy now ?
Colonel (now invisible): No , no , I
insist you change the main title too .
Authors : But –
Colonel : No buts ! Now
get on with it .
(The authors put on their thinking caps – a blue denim UCC one -^)--)~ and a huge Ferrari one //\O/\\ .)
Cyberwulf : I got it ! How
about Wulf TV ?
Spider Mastermind (indignant): Hey ! Why Wulf TV
? Why not Spider TV ?
Cyberwulf : Wulf TV !
Spider Mastermind : Spider TV !
(They get nose-to. . . er , muzzle-to-mandible .)
Cyberwulf : WULF TV !
Spider Mastermind : SPIDER TV !
Cyberwulf : WULF !
Spider Mastermind : SPIDER !
Cyberwulf : WULF !
Spider Mastermind : SPIDER !
Voice (off-screen): STOP IT , THE
PAIR OF YE !
Authors (instantly cowed): Sorry Ma .
Spider Mastermind : Well , there’s
only one way to settle this , and that’s a fight to the death !
Cyberwulf : You’re on !
(The Spider Mastermind
starts gathering several blunt instruments , one for each leg. Deaf Nelly – who
is just Deaf Nelly – walks onscreen .)
Deaf Nelly (to camera): This could take
a while . (Cyberwulf puts in special
spiky spider-eating teeth . Deaf Nelly glances at cue card .) In the
meantime , here is a dumb blonde .
(Outside shot of Giles’s place . Buffy comes up and bangs on the door .)
Buffy (in singsong voice): Gi-iles !
Gi-iles ! (no response) Are you home
?
(She peers through the letterbox and tries the door . Cut to interior of the house . The blinds are drawn . The phone is off the hook . The toilet has been moved into the living room . Giles and Spike are hunched forward on the sofa . Giles has a huge England flag draped around his shoulders . Spike’s face is painted like said flag and he’s wearing an England soccer jersey . There is a crate of beer by the sofa . Both of them are staring intently at the TV . There is a rattling sound at the front door . Neither of them looks round . Buffy bounces into the room .)
Buffy : Oh hi Giles !
Your door was locked so I had to jimmy it open with my credit card how come
you’re sitting in the dark (spots Spike)
Aah ! Giles ! Spike is in your house !
Spike (pointing at TV): Football !
Buffy : Football ? (peers at TV screen) That doesn’t look
like football . The goals are the wrong shape and where are the cheerleaders ? (penny drops) Oh , you mean SOCCER !
Well anyway Giles I need to talk to you about something –
(Still looking at the TV , Giles points to a chair in the corner .)
Giles (harshly): Sit there and
shut up !
(Buffy sinks meekly into the chair . She sighs .)
Spike : Quiet ! We can’t
hear the commentary !
Buffy : He said Beckham
was caught offside .
Giles/Spike : NOOOOOO !
TV : And now for a
word from our sponsors .
(Cut to shot of a book with Vegeta’s head on the cover .)
Voiceover (Spider Mastermind): New from Spider
Mastermind Productions – ‘101 Uses for Vegeta’s Head !’ Guaranteed hours of fun
! Here are a couple of samples !
(Cut to Spider Mastermind , with reading glasses , flicking through book with one leg while holding Cyberwulf at bay with two others .)
Spider Mastermind (reading): ‘Number 39: Make
a hundred copies and use them as the aliens in a ‘Space Invaders’ game’.
(Shot of ‘Space Invaders’ game screen where all the aliens look like Vegeta’s head . Return to the Spider Mastermind , trying to shake Cyberwulf off its leg while flicking through the book .)
Spider Mastermind : Or Number 96: ‘Give a perfectly healthy Frenchman a
heart attack’.
(Cut to Steven Gerrard scoring a long shot against Man United . Fabien Barthez goes to retrieve the ball from the net . When he picks it up we see it’s Vegeta’s head .)
Head : What are you staring at ?
(Barthez screams loudly , clutches his chest and falls to the ground . Cut back to Giles’s house . He and Spike are standing on the sofa , pointing at the TV .)
Spike/Giles (chanting): You’re not singing any more ! You’re not
si-inging any more!
(Ambulance siren can be heard on TV.)
TV : And this is a black , black day for football . . .
Spike/Giles : You’re not singing , you’re not singing , you’re not
singing any more !
Buffy : I think I’ll come back later .
(They don’t notice as she gets up and
leaves . As she walks dejectedly down the street, she passes the authors ,
engaged in a death struggle stand-off .)
Cyberwulf (brandishing
knife):
I’ll toss this between the crack of yo’ ass –
Spider Mastermind (in
special ‘diabolical’ voice): I have evolved beyond the need for an ass ! I am the
most powerful being in the world ! Muahahahaha !
Cyberwulf (gesturing): Come on , Spider ! Come on ! You’re walking over , but you’re limping back ! You’re limping back !
Deaf Nelly (off-screen): Hmm . . . I wonder what’s on the other
channel ?
(The picture turns briefly into a bunch of black and white crackly wavy lines before changing to -)
Caption and voiceover (Sisko): You are watching the Star Trek Channel !
All Star Trek , all the time !
Deaf Nelly (off-screen): Ah Jaysus ! (gunshot)
Voiceover (Sisko): And now it’s
time for . . .
Caption and voiceover (Troi): Captain
Janeway’s Torture Hour !
(Cut to Captain Janeway in a dungeon . Various implements of pain adorn the walls and a Hirogen is chained to the wall and is desperately trying to break free . Janeway turns to the camera .)
Janeway: Hello , and
welcome to Captain Janeway’s Torture Hour ! Now last week I promised you
something a little special for today , but first let’s check the scores ! Mr.
Tuvok !
(Cut to Tuvok standing beside a chart that says:)
Current Top Five
1. Paris’ acid bath 96
2. Attaching highly poisonous scorpions to Giles 92
3. Setting Troi’s hair on fire 83
4. Ripping Data’s arms off
and hitting him with them 79
5. Stabbing Merran with pointy sticks 75
Tuvok : As this chart
clearly shows , slowly lowering Lieutenant Paris , feet first , into a giant
container filled with boiling acid , is clearly the favoured torture among the
fans . Captain .
(Cut to Janeway .)
Janeway : Thank you
Mr.Tuvok . Now your surprise . This is a Hirogen .
(She gestures to the still
struggling Hirogen chained to the wall .)
Hirogen : GRRAAAHHHH !!!!!
Janeway : For those who do
not watch my fine show , Star Trek Voyager , I will explain . By the way , I
know where you live , start watching the repeats . The Hirogen are a species
who hunt other species and keep their internal organs as trophies . (pulls on a surgical glove) I think we
know what’s appropriate .
(Chichi storms on stage .)
Chichi : I’m not allowing
such a vomit-inducing programme to continue ! (to authors) You just don’t get it , do you ?
Janeway(now brandishing a large axe): You’ve ruined my show . Prepare to die !
(The transmission suddenly goes . Cut to a studio . The Spider Mastermind and a number of stagehands , cameramen , pig-ignorant roadies etc. are huddled over a few computers and TV screens .)
Spider Mastermind (to a very scared looking cameraman): I don’t give a fuck about what’s wrong with it ,
just fix the fucking thing ! (suddenly
notices camera) If you’ll bear with us for a moment ladies and gentlemen ,
unfortunately we’re experiencing some technical difficulties .
(Cyberwulf races up to the Spider Mastermind , mouth open , displaying extra special spiky teeth . Cut to a commercial . Two impeccably trendy young guys and three impeccably trendy young girls run to catch a subway train .)
Voiceover (Young guy #1): It was six weeks
till graduation .
(Shot of them all inside the train .)
Voiceover (Young guy #1): Riding home from
the concert , in a car with no air . . . someone farted . . . I lit a match . .
. and now we’re riding this train to hell , forever and ever . . .
(Shot of the driver’s cab . Satan can be seen inside , driving the train , which is now on fire . It shoots by , and Death can be seen holding onto the end of the train .)
Voiceover (Deaf Nelly , singing): Life smells good . . . Coca-Cola !
(Cut to manky , chewed piece of cardboard with the caption ‘Rom’s DIY’ scrawled on it in pencil . Switch to the back room of Quark’s bar . Rom , Quark’s brother , in his pre-Bajoran engineer days , is standing behind a rickety woodwork bench with several items on it .)
Rom (grinning insanely): Hello there and
welcome to Rom’s DIY , with me , your host , eh Rom . . . well of course you
guessed that . Well fellow Ferengi will know all about how expensive it is to
install replicators and pay maintenance on them so today I’m going to show you
all how to make your very own real , not at all pretend , working replicator !
Aren’t you excited ? I know I am hee-hee ! Well here’s a list of things you’ll
need :
(As he lists things , the camera shows a shot of each one in turn .)
Rom : A hole in your
wall – don’t worry if you don’t have one I’ll show you how to make one on next
week’s show !
A cardboard box
A knitting needle
Scissors
Magic Fairy Potion
Red sticky tape
600 volt battery
Extension Chord
Electrical wires
Concrete Block
A Sledgehammer , JCB or Blowtorch
(Back to Rom .)
Rom : All of the above
items can be found at your local building site . If you have any problems
acquiring them just tell whoever’s in charge Rom sent you and they’ll run
around screaming with excitement ! They might be so excited they’ll even let
you have them for free ! Now, down to business !
Step 1. Using your needle (he
picks it up) prick some holes in a circle in your cardboard box to order
things into . (He does so .) Then cut
a rectangular hole at the base of the box where your things will appear .
(He hacks a big raggedy hole
in the box with the scissors .)
Rom : Ooh it’s so
exciting!
Step 2. Insert the box in the hole in the wall . (He does this .)
Step 3. Now for my favourite part! The fairy potion! Here’s a list of
things you’ll need to make it!
(Once again , we see a shot of each thing as it’s named .)
Rom : Petrol
Fairy Liquid
A pot
Water
Salt , Sugar and Sand
Liquid nitrogen
(Back to Rom . He puts a large pot on the workbench and starts making the potion .)
Rom : Now fill the pot
with water and add teensy little drops of petrol , salt , sugar , sand and
liquid nitrogen . Then get the most important thing of all . Everyone knows
that Fairy Liquid backwards is Liquid Fairy so make sure to use plenty ! If you
can , use the blue one as it is the most hygienic , after all you will be
ordering food from this !
(He hefts the concrete block onto the bench with some difficulty .)
Rom : Now take your
concrete block and using your blowtorch , hammer or JCB smash it into dust and
add it in !
(He lights the blowtorch , positions it carefully over the block , and then smashes the blowtorch into the block with the sledgehammer . He violently bashes the block into little pieces , scoops up some of the dust and fires it into the pot .)
Rom : At this stage
some fairies may have come along to help you ! Ooh look at that one there ! (he points at nothing) Now say a very
magic spell .
(He mutters something weird and wonderful – possibly to do with voles – under his breath .)
Rom : Step 4. Take your
600 volt battery (he takes it) and
using your needle punch six holes in it . (he
does this) Shove some live wires into the holes and tie the wires to the
extension chord . Shove the battery up the hole of the box and stick it in
using your red sticky tape !
(He does all this , and then fires the box aside .)
Rom : Here’s one I made
earlier!
(We cut to a similarly ghastly contraption in the wall .)
Rom : Step 5. Now all
you have to do is plug in the extension chord and throw the fairy potion in the
general direction of the replicator ! (he
flings the stuff on the contraption) Drink some for good luck ! (he takes a swig) And now you have a
fully working replicator ! (A large fire
starts behind him .) Next week I’ll be showing you how to repair walls and
put out electrical fires ! Have fun building and remember the golden rule :
Always remember to ask a grown up to help with the scissors ! Safety is the
most important ingredient in a recipe for success !
(A few things explode and a wall falls in . We go to another commercial – a rival soft drink commercial , because we don’t want to get into the shit on this one . . .
A large Persian runs across a sandy plain . A redheaded girl on a mountain bike comes up fast alongside it . It is Misty . She jumps from the bike onto the Persian and wrestles it to the ground . She forces its mouth open , pulls out a can of Pepsi Max , and shakes it . She wags a finger at the Persian .)
Misty : Bad Persian !
(The Persian licks its lips . Cut to Ash , Brock , and Tracey astride bikes atop a small plateau a short distance away .)
Brock (to Ash): See ? That’s why I’m not a cat person .
(They all open cans of Pepsi Max and try to pour it into their mouths from an arm’s length up in the air . Ash spills his all down his clothes , Tracey gets his on his head , and Brock manages to get it in his mouth , and then chokes . The stuff comes out his nose .
Cut to starting sequence for a cooking programme, involving shots of Commander Riker beaming over various burned , raw and generally inedible dishes . It finishes with a shot of the senior staff of the Enterprise eating and spitting out some horrible thing . The caption “Home Cookin’ with Commander William T. Riker” appears on screen . Cut to Riker in what appears to be his quarters modified into a kitchen . )
Riker : Hi . I’m Commander William Riker your host , and creator of such
delicacies as dead rat cooked in the warp core and the delicious scrambled eggs
from Season Two . Just ask Lieutenant Worf ! For today , I’m making
phaser-fried steak basted in warp plasma . On top of the basics such as pots ,
pans etc. you’ll need the following :
(He holds up each one as he mentions it .)
Riker : A type1 , or type2 Starfleet hand phaser . A disruptor will do in a
pinch , but the phaser’s preferable . Water based fire extinguisher . A
fireproof pan . A favour from Lieutenant Commander Data . (He doesn’t hold Data up .) And last , but not least , a container of warp plasma
fluid .
(As he holds the container up , Wesley Asshole walks into shot .)
Wesley who I hate //\0/\\ : Sir
, Lieutenant Commander LaForge sent me to report a missing container of warp
plasma . . . Ah, there it is . Thank you sir .
(Riker stuns him with the phaser . Cut to large crowds of people cheering madly for a few seconds . Cut back to Riker .)
Riker : Now , this is a simple dish and can be made in a few minutes . First ,
place the steak on the fireproof pan . (He lays it down
gently .) Set your phaser to
setting two . (He presses a few buttons on the phaser
.) Now get Data to hold the
pan , he’s fire proof , remember .
(Data walks on shot and holds the pan with the steak at arm’s length .)
Riker : Aim , and have that fire-extinguisher ready , fire !
(He fires the phaser at the steak . The steak lights up and burns violently .)
Riker : Leave to burn for about two seconds , and then put it out .
(He picks up the fire extinguisher . Data suddenly realises what’s about to happen , puts the steak down on a table and runs off . Riker sprays it with the extinguisher and it goes out . Rom suddenly runs on stage .)
Rom : C-can I borrow that ? (points to extinguisher) There’s an electrical fire that I have to
deal with .
Riker : Certainly . (hands it to him) But won’t a water extinguisher make things
worse ? (trails off as Rom runs away) Ahem . Now lovingly baste that steak in
warp plasma .
(He opens the container as he does so the Biohazard warning lights activate .)
Computer : Warning ! Plasma leak on Deck Ten !
(He pours the warp plasma over the steak and closes the container . The warning lights go out .)
Riker : Now to test .
(Fade out .
Fade in to Wesley sitting unconscious in a chair . Riker’s steak is on the table in front of him . He comes around and looks at the steak . Then at camera . Cut to his point of view . Riker is standing beside the camera holding a sign that says ‘Eat , and like , or ELSE !’ Cut back to Wesley .)
Wesley I REALLY
hate Wesley! //\0/\\ : But sir , plasma fluid is highly corrosive-
(Cut to Riker gesturing viciously at the sign . Cut back to Wesley . He cuts off a piece and nervously goes to put it in his mouth . He finally does after five attempts .)
Wesley The world’s about to become
a better place (chewing):
Yummy yum yum .
(He starts to choke . . . and then froths at the mouth before falling backwards off the chair , dead . Riker walks up to the corpse and kicks it a few times .)
Riker : Yes, he’s definitely dead !
(Cut to shots of a cheering crowd , footballers celebrating goals , Schumacher jumping at the podium , pitch invasions , Fowler and Hyypia holding up the UEFA cup , Hill celebrating Jordan’s first win , Packie Bonner getting smothered with hugs after clawing away that famous penalty in the 1990 World Cup , Sander Westerveld in a similar situation in the League Cup Final and other scenes of joy and happiness around the world , all to this tune :
Olé olé olé olé, olé, olé
Olé olé olé olé, olé, olé
We’re all part of Riker’s army
We’re all off to kill Wesley
And we’ll really shake ‘em up when we kill the bastard stone dead
‘Cos Riker is the greatest murderer !
Cut back to Riker dancing on the corpse . Picard walks on stage in dress uniform and carrying a display case for a medal .)
Picard : Commander , for your brave killing of this annoying
excuse for a human being , I award you
the highest honour for bravery in Starfleet . (He hands
him the case .) Wear it with
pride , Number One .
Riker : I will . (smiles at camera)
(Cut to a press conference after a F1 Grand Prix . Michael Schumacher is talking to the camera .)
Michael : Yes , this is the greatest day of my life , better
than any of my race wins . It perhaps is the greatest day in the history of the
world .
Interviewer : What do you think Ralf ?
(Ralf Schumacher is to Michael’s right . (Our left) He’s popping open a bottle of champagne .)
Ralf : What ? Sorry , I was too busy celebrating Wesley Crusher’s death .
(Cut to Riker on the set for Janeway’s torture hour .)
Riker : Now , for the defiling ceremony .
(He suddenly notices Chichi glaring at him , just to his left .)
Riker : Or not .
(She nods and walks off . Janeway enters scene from opposite side , still holding her axe .)
Riker : She went that way .
(Janeway nods and sets off in pursuit . Riker slowly starts to go for a large scythe on the wall . Janeway runs back on scene .)
Janeway : Leave those alone!
(She walks off again . Riker’s about to
make another go for it when Cyberwulf and the Spider Mastermind crash through
the ceiling . They glare at each other , and then collapse , exhausted .)
Cyberwulf (panting): . . . ah , fuck it . . . the title stays
. . . (waves paw feebly) next item . . .
Voiceover (Deaf Nelly): And now . . . how a knife salesman looks
to a deaf person !
(Simpson-esque animation of the inside of
a house . A red light goes on over the front door . A little old lady goes to
answer the door . She opens it . A young man in a suit and carrying a briefcase
is standing there . He mouths something , opens the briefcase and pulls out a
big sharp knife . He starts waving the knife around madly , mouthing something
else . Finally , he points it right at the old lady , grinning widely . She
screams and slams the door in his face .)
Voiceover (Deaf Nelly): And here is the address to complain to !
Caption : Downstairs Toilet ,
Our House
,
Small
Dark Hole in the Side of a Cliff ,
Magic
Land .
E-mail :
you_sad_bastard@getalife.com
Voiceover (Des Lynam): And we now return to the big match live .
(Cut back to Giles’s house . He and Spike are sitting on the edge of the sofa , staring tensely at the TV screen .)
TV(commentator): And he’s nipped round the defender . . .
only one man to beat . . . he shoots ! It’s in the back of the net ! The last
goal in this very one-sided game of football ! The final score , England six ,
Germany nil !
(Spike and Giles jump to their feet .)
Spike/Giles : YEEEEESSSSSSS !!!!
(They collapse back on the sofa .)
Giles (sings): Land of ho-ope and glooory , mother o-of
the free . . .
Spike (pointing
childishly at TV): Yeah , take that , Fritz ! We won ! We won , we won
, we won !
(He suddenly grabs Giles and kisses him
passionately on the lips . Giles struggles , but to no avail . Buffy walks in ,
sees them , turns around and walks straight back out . Giles stops struggling ,
and , worryingly , seems to be enjoying it-)
Chichi (off-screen): OH NO YOU DON’T !
(She storms on , looking a little bedraggled and sweaty . Spike looks up from what he’s doing . Giles follows his gaze . Chichi brandishes a remote control at them .)
Chichi : I’m not having this ! Small children could be reading this , you know
!
(She hits rewind on the remote control .
Buffy walks in backwards and walks out backwards . Spike unkisses Giles and
lets go of him . They stand up and then sit down fast on the edge of the sofa .
Chichi presses pause . They’re back where they were at the start of the scene
.)
Chichi (muttering): Honestly . . . I’m glad I don’t allow my
little Gohan to use the Internet I always said it was no good . . . nothing but
porno , porno , porno . . . now , we’ll just change a few things . . .
(She hits a few more buttons on the remote .)
Chichi (satisfied): There we are !
(She presses play , and sticks around to admire her handiwork .)
TV(commentator): And he’s nipped round the defender . . .
only one man to beat . . . he shoots ! It’s in the back of the net ! The last
goal in this very one-sided game of football ! The final score , Germany six ,
England nil !
Spike/Giles (howl in
disbelief):
NOOOOOO !
Giles (angry ,
frustrated):
OOOOOH , HORLICKS !
Spike (pointing
childishly at TV) : WHO WON THE BLOODY WAR , ANYWAY??
(Both of them slump dejectedly on the couch .)
Spike : Oh , well . There’s only one thing to do now .
Giles (unenthusiastic): Oh really ? What’s that ?
Spike : Drink until we shag .
(He picks up a hitherto unseen bottle of scotch .)
Chichi : What-what-WHAT ?
(Giles shrugs .)
Giles : Oh well , a date’s a date . (to Spike) All right , darling .
Chichi : No ! No !
(The pair of them leave , Spike carrying
the scotch . Chichi frantically pushes buttons on the remote . Cut to Anya ,
sitting in a plane . She’s just finished a pot of fancy yoghurt and is licking
the spoon sexily .)
Anya (innocently , to
camera):
There’s Mile High love . . . and there’s weird shipper love !
(Off-screen , in the toilet , Xander screams . Cut back to Giles’s house . Chichi is still in the living room , bashing the remote control .)
Chichi (desperately): Darn batteries !
(Janeway runs onscreen , brandishing the
axe .)
Janeway : So this is where you ran off to ! Well , you needn’t
think you can get away from me , I’d take a whole army of Borg on even if I was
armed with only a pencil sharpener ! Now it’s time for ME to send YOU to
another dimension ! Muahahahahaaa !
Chichi : EEEK !
(She hops out of the way just as Janeway puts the axe through the coffee table . She runs off-screen with Janeway following . Zoom in on back of TV .)
TV(commentator): And staying with sport , we now go to live coverage of the Klingon/Saiyan belching championships .
(Shot of a brightly lit room – possibly a little village community hall . There is a huge table in the middle . On our right are Martok , Worf and Alexander . On our left are Goku , Vegeta and Future Trunks . Both teams are glaring at each other . Commentary is as a chess match , snooker tournament , or other relatively quiet sport that doesn’t involve a lot of movement .)
Commentator (quiet , unexcited): You join us just as we are about to get
underway . The Klingons are at an advantage , being drunk . . . and the Saiyans
get to go first , having guessed what colour the umpire was thinking of . . .
(The umpire , Professor Oak , is seated on a tennis umpire’s chair at the foot of the table, facing us . He has a white flag in his left hand (our right) and a red flag in his right hand (our left). Goku , Vegeta and Future Trunks huddle together , whispering .)
Oak : Ahem . Red team !
(The trio sit up . Vegeta and Trunks nod to Goku . Oak raises the red flag in the air . Goku takes a deep breath and lets it out . He takes another deep breath , and belches loudly .)
Commentator (not at all
excited):
And an excellent opening from the Saiyans . . . and one that the Klingons will
find tough to match . . .
(Cut to shot of the judges – Homer Simpson , Wolverine , and Fry . They hold up cards with scores on them .)
Oak : Saiyans – 7.6 , 7.6 , 8.4 . Total – 23.6 .
(Alexander looks nervous . Worf looks pissed off . Martok remains stony-faced . He glances at his team-mates , and nods . Oak raises the white flag in the air .)
Oak : White team !
Commentator : It looks like Martok will try to match Goku . . .
(Martok thumps his fist over the centre of his chest , and belches .)
Commentator : Well , quite a loud belch , but considerably shorter
than Goku’s . . . what will the judges make of it ?
(The judges hold up their cards .)
Oak : Klingons – 7.5 , 8.1 , 8.2 . Total – 23.8 . (He
drops the white flag , then raises it again .) Round one – white !
Commentator : And the first round goes to the Klingons . Next is
the specialist round which I believe will pit Worf against Vegeta . . .
(Formula One grid girls approach both teams – two pushing a barrel of Klingon blood wine , and two holding a two-litre bottle of Coca-Cola .)
Commentator : The losing side has the honour of going first , and
that’s Vegeta . He’s not looking too happy , and one suspects this is because
he’s upset about losing last week’s marshmallow animal eating contest to the
hitherto unknown , Xander Harris . But he’s still got that Saiyan determination
. He’s shaking up the bottle . . .
(Vegeta shakes the bottle and sprays the Coke into his mouth .)
Commentator : And the umpire is preparing for what will
surely be a monumental belch .
(Professor Oak holds on tightly to the seat of his chair . Vegeta gives a massive Ascended Saiyan belch . Everyone’s hair is blown back by its force , but no one moves or seems to notice . The judges hold up their cards .)
Oak : 7.8 , 8.1 , 8.4 . Total – 24.3 .
Commentator : Well a stupendous belch there from Vegeta . And now
it’s Worf’s turn . . .
(Worf dunks a Klingon cup into the barrel of blood wine . He tosses it down in one swallow , and gives a huge Klingon belch . Again , despite everyone’s hair flying backwards , they remain unfazed . The judges hold up their cards .)
Oak : 7.6 , 8.0 , 8.3 . Total – 23.9 . (He holds up
the red flag .) Round two –
red !
Commentator : And the Saiyans are looking pleased with themselves
, but it all hangs now on the tie breaker round , a chance here for the
youngest members of the team to shine . . . Future Trunks will go first .
(Trunks looks nervously at his team mates . Goku gives him the thumbs up . His father glowers at him .)
Oak (raises red flag): Red team !
(Trunks takes a few deep breaths . Everyone waits expectantly . Nothing happens . Trunks shifts awkwardly , almost panicky . He starts sweating .)
Trunks : I – I can’t –
Oak : I’ll have to book you for time-wasting . . .
(Vegeta angrily slaps him on the back . Trunks almost burps , but gets sick all over the table instead .)
Commentator : Oh , dear , that simply won’t do . Vomiting is not
allowed in this competition .
Vegeta : You worthless fool !
(He clouts Trunks on the back of the head
.)
Trunks : Ow ! It’s not my fault . . .
Goku : Hey , calm down , Vegeta –
Vegeta : Stay out of this , Kakarat !
Alexander (to Trunks): Y’know , my father’s a pig , too . . .
Worf (turning on
Alexander):
How dare you ! (He clouts Alexander the same way Vegeta
clouted Trunks .) A man who
insults his father is a man without honour !
(Alexander gets up and flings the table
away .)
Alexander : Ah , screw this ! I didn’t want to do this anyway !
It’s disgusting and pointless ! (Goku and Martok have
long since shuffled off awkwardly .) My mom said I didn’t have to do any of this Klingon stuff if I didn’t
want to ! You’re the worst father in the universe !
(At that precise moment , a bunch of pig-ignorant roadies roll back the village hall scenery to reveal the set of the Jerry Springer show . Cue Jerry theme music and a spinning caption that reads ‘My Bad Dad !’ Worf and Alexander are sitting on the right of the stage while Trunks , sobbing , and Vegeta are sitting on the left . Bra is shoved onto the stage . She looks very pissed off , but clambers into the seat next to Trunks . Enter Jerry , to cheering and rapturous applause .)
Jerry : Today on the show , we’ll be talking to some dads who are having
trouble relating to their kids .
Bra : Excuse me ! There’s a serious time problem here . This is Future
Trunks (indicates her brother) so I shouldn’t even be born yet !
(Jerry ignores this . Bra folds her arms
and sulks .)
Jerry : Let’s talk to the kids and find out what’s going on . Trunks , let’s
start with you .
Trunks (sobbing ,
clutching tissue): Well Jerry , my dad . . . he . . . he just belongs
in a zoo . . .
(Shot of Vegeta , who is eating a banana
. He scratches his armpits , pulls a small insect out of his hair , and eats it
.)
Jerry : I see . Alexander , how about you ?
Alexander : Well , after my mom died , my father didn’t want to
take care of me , so he sent me to live on earth with his adoptive parents .
Then I lived with him for like four years , got packed off to earth again , and
then he doesn’t even speak to me until the Dominion War breaks out . And even
then we only met by accident ! Now he expects me to (does
air quotes) “honour” and
“respect” him when he couldn’t give a targ’s ass about me ?
Jerry : Whew . Well , Worf , do you have anything to say in your defence ?
Worf : A warrior must always honour and respect his parents , especially his
father . For honour is the most important thing . . .
Alexander (mutters): Oh , here we go . . .
(Worf continues rambling on about honour
while everyone else ignores him .)
Trunks (sobbing): He never says he loves me , or that I’m
worth anything . . .
(He blows his nose .)
Bra : He completely ignores ME ! (angrily) Of course , maybe that’s because I
haven’t been born yet !
Vegeta : Oh , will you two stop whinging ?! I didn’t even want children !
YOU’RE only here (points at Trunks) because of cheap rubber and YOU’RE only
here (points at Bra) because your mother forgot her pill that month !
(This provokes a fresh flood of tears
from Trunks . Jerry adjusts his glasses nervously.)
Jerry : Well , uh . . .
Bulma (in audience): VEGETA !
(She dashes up on stage and grabs him by
the hair , and starts beating the head off him .)
Worf : . . . dishonourable conduct , none more so than sticking foreign
objects up one’s nose . . .
(Alexander leaps up .)
Alexander : I’m sick of trying to live up to your idea of the
perfect , (says the next word in contempt) Klingon son ! From now on , I’m living MY
life , MY way !
(He dashes off as Worf continues to blather on .)
Bra : Ah , now I’m all pissed off !
(She goes Super Saiyan and picks up a chair -)
Vegeta (in surprise): B-chan ?
Bra (to camera): Told you he never notices me .
(- and hurls it at Worf . It smashes into a million bits . He doesn’t even notice .)
Worf : . . . honour , honour , honour . . .
(Shot of Martok and Goku in the audience . Martok shakes his head despairingly .)
Martok : I am so fuckin’ embarrassed . . .
(Chichi runs onto the set .)
Chichi : All right ! I heard that ! Who said that ? (She
glares out at the audience , then turns and sees the fighting . She brandishes
a finger at Vegeta and Bulma , and at Bra , who is gnawing on the scenery , and
squawks shrilly ,) Don’t do
that ! Don’t do that –
(A knife hits the wall right by her head .)
Chichi : Eek !
(Captain Janeway is standing on the other side of the stage , ready to throw another knife .)
Janeway : Shit !
(Alexander walks back on stage , wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt , and playing a steel drum . Reverse camera shot , revealing Beavis and Butthead watching the whole thing on TV .)
Butthead : This sucks . Change the channel .
(Cut back to TV . A documentary-style program is on .)
Voiceover : Good Counsel College , New Ross , Co. Wexford ,
Ireland . Home to many unusual teachers . . .
(Geography room . A geography teacher in his late 30s to early 40s writes something up on the board .)
Teacher (pointing to
stuff on board): Ramble
ramble ramble ramble oblique aerial photograph . . .
(Cut back to show the rest of the classroom . One half is waging nuclear war on the other . Cut to the school’s “language lab” . A teacher is teaching French . A parrot is at the back of the classroom .)
Teacher : Now this has a feminine ending .
Parrot : Squawk ! Feminine ending !
Teacher : AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH ! (He explodes .)
Voiceover : But none so strange and wonderful as Theorem Man !
(Cut to another classroom . A maths teacher in his 40s is writing a Maths Theorem on the blackboard .)
Thm. Man : Now this has an English essay of a proof . . .
Voiceover : Today Theorem Man faces his most powerful enemy ,
Blackteague the pirate !