Hey! This is the second instalment of Mike’s Funky Jam Time! To continue in the Fic titling line… I shall call this fic…
The Incredibly Uninspired, Unfulfilling, Unfunny Abomination to Human Rights that should ever be called a fic!
Right, last time on MFJT, Slash was about to be slashed (ha ha ha…
*kills*) by General Mitsky’s monkaaays, and many other things I can’t be arsed
remembering, so I put them into the realm of the Well Placed Amnesia for Sequel
Scrpting…
* VINCENT PRICE hoddles in, clothed in 80’s rock n roll garb (ripped
jeans, band shirt, bandana, Wayne and Garth with Zimmer frames, basically…) *
VP: Hey, dudes [devil horns]
Jesus, this is twisted… One second… *Clicks Fingers… Scene changes to the Desert in the
video for November Rain*
Right, Slash had some monkeys closing in on him…
* Monkays approach… Slash notices… He Plays his solo…*
Rory: Woah, man! Look at that!
Tom: Yeah! Mike managed to change our names… And no one has noticed!
Rory: [slaps] No! I mean, look! It’s Slash! His solo! You can ‘play’
this!
Tom: Oh, yeah! Air guitar with me, man!
* Rory and Tom air guitar *
Slash: Ha! I tricked you! I didn’t even have my guitar plugged in! *
hits with guitar. *
Sisley: THAT WAS A LES PAUL, YOU GIMP! NOOOOOO! * Dies *
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ant: Pfsh, where are we now? And what’s he doing here? * points at
Spike *
Spike: It’s a nice day for a…. WHITE WEDDING!
Dec: Indeed… Well, look over there… Who’s that? Oh! It’s That Annoying
Guy Off TRL That Mike Doesn’t Know The Name Of!
TAGOTRLTMDKTNO: Hey! Welcome to TRL… I’m - * chokes and dies…*
Washu: <giggle> He’s gone! Ooooh! Look! Cards with things on!
*points*
Cat: His cue cards! Wow! I’ve never seen any of these before… Honestly…
*A large Panda, Genma, appears and hits Cat on the head with a sign
saying ‘Take that, dolt!’*
Loder: Hey, I just appeared out of nowhere! Mike must really be stuck
for things to say! You know, he’s not really that bright, you know… ow….
<cough> My… Throat…
Hey, Loder, what’s on the Cue Cards?
Loder: Oh, right! Well, it says… Here’s the man himself, with his
chart-topping new single… General Mitsky and the fishydishcloth mongers with
‘Matt the Pimp?
Heh.. heh.. What have you got you and your friends
into, Loder?
*General
Mitsky walks onto the stage, with his backing group The Fishydishcloth
Mongers…*
I’m
Matt, I’m a Pimp.
I’ll
give you girls, guys, goats or shrimp.
But
only as long as you pay me
Cause
my bitches only like what they see.
That
last line was po-lit-ee-caaahl.
Now
go and get somethin’ from Gap, at yo’ local Maaahl.
Girls
who come in through the out door are for me.
As
long as they are thiiirty double deeee.
They
can have my child if they so please.
But
don’t come to me, if yo’ kid smells like cheeeese.
I’m
a pimp, I’m a pimp, yeah-yeah.
I
mess with yo’ Ma on yo’ back stair.
I’m
a pimp, I’m a pimp, god-damn.
I’m
no sham.
Baby.
[Saxophone
Solo]
I’m
Matt, I’m hardcore,
You’ll
find me outiside the grocery store.
Selling
cigs to little kids,
Making
love to Kevin Smith vids,
Hangin’
with Silent Bob and Jay,
Diggin’
all the whack things they say.
[repeat
chorus]
[set
is smashed up]
Loder: Indeed…
Vegeta: [cackles] My my! That was rather pitiful! Foolish earthling…
Dec: Hey, that was almost as bad as our stuff! What do you think, Ant?
Ant: I’m no shaaaa-aaam, baaaay-beeeeeee… Erm, yeah, crap,
doublepluscrap.
I notice that was clichéd…
Aoi: [appearing] Oops, Leader’s having some inspiration, plot hole
time!
[Weird hand-waving, vision-distorting, pigeon noise-making thing off
Wayne’s World]
Aoi: There’s something fishy about this… Oh, no, that’s just the smell
from the bin over there… fish?
Loder: Yeeeees… What is the reason for theeees? Hey, look, a cat!
[throws penguin]
Aoi: Hey… Wait… I know this house… OH MY GENTLE PENGUINGOtm!
[cue theme tune] IT’S THE VIDEO FOR LOVECATS!
Dec: Que?
Loder: Beuf?
Spike: Aww, shite, not those goth-pansy pop sissy boys… Hey, I like
‘em, actually…
Loder: What’s a ‘love-cat’? Sounds like a form of supercat, infused
with the power of love…
Aoi: Yeah, it’s a curious thing…
Dec: I heard it made a man weep, and another man, sing…
Ant: Yeah, and you don’t need money or fame, or any credit cards to
ride on this train…
Cat: Oooh, I know what you’re on about. I heard it’s strong and sudden,
and it can be cruel sometimes…
[Everyone looks at Loder…]
Loder: …What?
[Huey Lewis appears and slaps Loder with a rotten eggplant]
HL: But it miiiight just saaaaaaaaaave your liiiiiiiife! [disappears]
Loder: Hey, let’s have a look inside the house. Erm, sorry ‘Gee, gang,
let’s have a look-see in this spooky house, jinkies.’
[Spinning picture of a mid-30s blonde-haired man wearing a cricket
jumper with the ‘doodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ooos’ a la Batman]
Loder: Jinkies.
Aoi: Jinkies? JINKIES?! Hey, I might as well go ‘Bagpuss’.
Loder: Jinkies.
BG: Aha! I am now Bagpuss Girl! I laugh at your jinkies!
Loder: No, listen to me, I’m not saying jinkies at all, take those
Bagpuss mittens out of your ears and listen. I’m saying ROBERT SMITH [points]
BG: heh, I mean, where will I put them when I’m not wearing them? Oooh,
Robert Smith!
RS: Hi, yeah, Hi. Oi, you! [points at Dec, Cat and Ant] Get out. I’m
still scarred after that terrible performance on CD:UK, you made us mime!
Dec: Oh, ok, we’re off, but the signed photo will be in the post, and
COME ON, it’s s’posed to rhyme… Erm… Yeah… Withdrawal symptoms, sorry…
[Dec, Ant and Cat walk to the door. Before they reach the door, it
opens and GENERAL MITSKY is there]
Dec: Eek! [jumps in Cat’s arms]
Ant: Eek! [jumps in the air, is caught by no-one, and hits the ground]
GM: Ahaha! Infidels! You will cower before me!
RS: Shit! [jumps behind piano]
GM: Aha! Mr. Smith, not changing into a massive weird super-thing now,
are you? Where’s your Messiah now?
[A supermarket, Jesus is at the back of the ‘less than 10 items’ queue]
Jesus: Cooome oooon! I mean, man, how slow can this queue be going at?
LOOK AT THE TIME! Argh, DOES SHE HAVE TO COUNT OUT EVERY SINGLE PENNY? Hey,
that gives me an idea… [clicks fingers, the queue in front of him vaporises]
Heh-heh-heh… [moves forward]
Guy at the Counter: Hey, bub, this is 12 items, it’s the less than *
ten * items lane, gotta go to the other checkout, bub.
Jesus: Oh fergodssake, you do your ‘buy one get one free special offers’
and get picky at the till!? Hey… That gives me an idea… [clicks fingers]
heh-heh-heh…
[walks out of shop. Lightning flashes]
Jesus: Crap.
GM: Mwahahahaaaa! I have won! By doing nothing at all, and you all
being still alive, I have triumphed!
RS: Oh, yeah? Well, eat my pussy! [picks up plastic cat off piano,
throws]
[The plastic cat flies… and hits Ant, still on the floor, in a very
uncomfortable place (yeah yeah yeah, the back of a Volkswagen, ha ha ha!)]
RS: Ouch, talk about hitting a guy when he’s down… Damn hair messing up
my aim… But it has that radiant shine and natural bounce that only L’oreal
obscene gel can provide…
BG: Damn, Spike and Vegeta have randomly disappeared, and I’m only a
Spunky Sidekick, so I can’t do anything, I must always be the one who needs
saving by the real superhero… And even Robert Smith has failed us! What will we
do!?
GM: Still making plans, Bagpuss Girl? I think I may make it slow and
painful for you… Mwaha- What’s this? A little baa-lamb? Just suddenly appearing
at my feet? Oh, you’re a cutie, aren’t you? Yes you are, yes you are… What’s
your name, little fella? [looks at nametag] Bertha? (continuity, anyone spot
it?) Ha, that’s a nice name. I’m sure I can find a use for you back at Mitsky
HQ, heh-heh-heh…
Loder: Eeew, I mean, I didn’t write anything as sick as that in * my *
fics…
GM: Ah, yes…
[GM strokes Bertha’s chin, his hand gets bitten]
GM: OW! You cheap goat, you! [hits]
Voice off-screen: Don’t you DARE call Bertha a cheap goat!
[Yes, you guessed it (or prolly didn’t), KELLY JONES runs in, armed
with a miner’s lamp, with CAZ in tow]
[GM cowers]
KJ: I do this in the name of WALES! And of all Sheep wrongfully called
goats throughout the world! [hits GM, GM collapses]
GM:
I’m Matt,
I’ve just been fatally
wounded by a guy in a Miner’s hat.
I’ve had my two fics’ worth
of fame,
Now it’s time for me to
finish this game.
Was it really that bad? You
seemed to have fun.
Now, Cat, put down Dec, he
must weigh a ton.
I’m Matt, I wasn’t that
evil,
And, as bad-guys go, I was
rather feeble.
Do you think I could have
stood up to you lot?
I’d’ve been beaten by that
Captain guy, and his sidekick who’s hot.
I’m Matt, I’m a pimp, yeah
right.
I’m really gone now, I’ve
got blurred sight…
[trails off]
Loder: Wow, that was bloody morbid. Not as morbid or evil or serious as
my fic though, READ IT… oh, sorry [/shameless plug]
[The Lovecat’s set melts away, as does Robert Smith… The gang are now
in a small country house in Kansas]
BG: I suppose he was right, it was rather fun…
Loder: Yeah, I’m seeping with a huge amount of enthusiasm, and I’m not
cynical. Really.
Dorothy: Oh my lord! I had the strangest dream… You were there, Loder.
And so were you, Bagpuss Girl… And there was this man, and he told me to burn
things, and then I burnt the man and he went bad, so we had to take him to the
end of the world in a glass case and throw him into the fiery pits of Mount
Doom, and Jabba the Hutt gave me a bar of chocolate... And I liked him, then I
burnt him by accident. And then I went all weird and I could fly and my hair
was blond, and I saw a baby and it looked at me… Then this man said I could be
a star someday, and I believed him and went back to his house and he filmed me
eating chocolate ice cream with the Fonz and there was a Spider, and he was bad
and cynical, like Loder, and he had a sister who was strange and was a wolf, I
liked them… I liked the dream.
BG: Indeed, go back to sleep now, Dorothy…
Caz: Hey, what an adventure! Bunny!
Loder: Indeed, I’d say it was… mint.
Loder now trains monkeys to be cynical in ongoing
research to find a soul mate.
Kelly and Caz opened a Bunny Farm, they’ve got lions.
Ant and Dec started up a Cure fan club, Robert Smith still hates them.
Cat is coming to a cinema near you, for no particular
reason.
Bagpuss Girl/Aoi is still very much hot, and has
brought out her own line of designer plot holes and surreal comments, she’s
touring her new book ‘The Bagpuss in me, Empowerment for the modern woman’, and
shall be at your local co-op in April.
Vegeta and Spike have moved to Fiji, they wear each
other’s flowery shirts very often.
The fishydishcloth mongers are currently the backing
band for Robert Plant on his pub tour.
Washu is still the bestest ever scientist in the
universe ever, she has a CD out soon.
Slash got married, and still hits monkays with guitars
on a regular basis.
Dorothy is still asleep.
The Author is tired.
Jam time finished, then. Thanks go to…
Kate: General kick up the arse to get me writing it, ba dee ba wouldn’t
have done it if it weren’t for her site, la la la… She’s my muse… Thing. And
‘cause she’s so damn hot.
Loder: For making me jealous, and therefore making me do more writing,
and giving me a character that takes the piss out of himself automatically.
Caz: For saying ‘put me in it again!’ I think, and giving me the idea
for the ending, and laughing like hell at the matt the pimp rap (well, that was
before they were going out…)…
Boston: For recording ‘I’ve Got A Feeling’ and being the soundtrack to
my night, one song on repeat.
There you go. Good Night. Thank you.