“Incoming!”

Ant ducked under the table as a volley of paintballs pattered onto the wall above him. You can see that I like Ant, can’tcha? I mean, he’s always in the intros to my… uh, two MSTings. And wipe that smile off your face.

“Mwa ha! We have you, Ant, just surrender the match!” laughed Cat evilly. The SoL-wide paintball match had raged on for most of the day, with Washu constructing an elaborate but effective impact-sensing kit for everyone. Naturally, hers was “slightly untrustworthy”, meaning that several clean hits were counted as misses.

“I’m not gonna!” retorted Ant, cursing silently at his ineptitude at formulating a decent response. Damn, if Spike could just throw off Jesse and Dec, then there was a slight chance that he could help him. The rest of his team were all in paintball limbo… James had been sent there due to his incredible stupidity in managing to shoot himself whilst checking if the gun was loaded, and Vegeta had merely laughed contemptuously when Spike had suggested he take cover, and had instead stood there laughing as he sighted Washu. He was still laughing when the impact-sensor detected three hundred and eighty two separate hits from a sphere of diameter 20.05mm, whisking him off to the neutral “spawn” room.

Now Washu and Cat had him pinned down behind a table. Things were looking grim for the ex-SMTV live presenter… unless…

“Of course! That’s it!”

Breaking out of the improvised shelter, Ant charged headlong at the pair. He was shot down swiftly, ‘porting him away to the “spawn” chamber. Now only Spike remained…

“Red leader, we’ve taken care of the remaining blue members here…” grinned Cat into her radio. She didn’t in fact say anything, but grinned a series of grins to the camera, which quickly translated them. Obviously.

“Shit…” thought Spike, on hearing this. He was holed up in the paintball armoury, with two guns. There was only one thing to do…

“AAAAAAAAARGH!” screamed Spike as he charged out the door, seriously shocking Dec, who was listening at the door. A few balls made short work of him, sending him whizzing off through etherspace to the “spawn” room. Spinning round, he noticed Jesse. She noticed him. Unfortunately, she was slightly too slow, and was blasted in the style of Dec. Now it was one-on-two, and Spike had the element of surprise…

“BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!”

The fic siren went off with a resounding blart, and Dr Evil appeared on the screen over the fireplace in the front room. The remaining crewmembers forgoed their war, and sprinted to the main room to avoid being decompressed due to lack of atmosphere.

“I would be very grateful if you could desist in your petty little war games? No, Mini Me, not snack time! Get off, you frickin’ moron!”

As Dr Evil wrestled with his clone for control of the cookie jar, Spike, Washu and Cat slipped into the room as the bulkheads closed, and eyed each other with various degrees of animosity.

“BAD Mini Me!”

“Eeeeeee!”

“Ow, you little bastard! That was daddys hand!”

“EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE!”

“Aargh! Frau! Frau! Get the frickin’ imbecile off me!”

“BAAAAAD MINI MEE!”

“eeeee….”

Finally shaking off the deranged clone, Dr Evil turned his attention to the assembled… trio?

“Where the hell is everyone else?” he snapped irritably. Not only had he received a nasty bite, it looked like he might finally have a rebellion and have to “remove” some crew members…

“Oh, they’re…around, for sure. They’re, uh, cradling wounds.” replied Washu with great presence of mind. Dr. Evil took in all the paintball gear, and made up his mind.

“Right, well, looks like you’re the only ones LEFT, so you get to… “be exposed” to this offering… “Daikaiju No Kessen” by “Randomman”.

“Who?”

“What?”

“It’s a mystery to me, too, ok?”

Still carrying their weapons and paintballs, the trio headed off to the fic theatre…

[Spike, Washu and Cat amble into the theatre, and take their seats.]

WASHU: Oh, uh, btw… the fact that this theatre is lead-lined means that if you try to ‘port anyone off by trying to score an easy, well, kill, means that both them and you will become a small red smear on the wall..

CAT: What? How?

WASHU: Never you mind.

Title: Daikaiju No Kessen (Giant Monster's great Battle)
Author: Randomman
Rating: PG-13, just because I can.
Disclaimer: Daikaiju mentioned are either the property of Toho or Daiai industries.

SPIKE: Yes, those well-known industries. What is it they do? Why, industrialise, of course!

Buffy: The Vampire Slayer is owned by 20th century FOX and the WB. Toho also owns the Alenas, they aren't Kaiju.

CAT: Now this is just getting surreal.

WASHU: Yeah, what the hell are they?
CAT: No, I mean we’re MSTing the intro?

Author's Note: **....** means translated from the monsters calls, just to make this incomplete fic even worse.

SPIKE: I won’t even bother, shall I?

Willow tossed and turned as she slept.

CAT: As did Xander.

She was having a nightmare, the same nightmare for the past month.

WASHU: Yeah… she dreamt that she was really some nobody called Alyson Harrigan who had no magic powers and starred in lies to earn money for bread and she didn’t fancy women any more and Buffy wasn’t her friend and she was filmed eating chocolate ice-cream with the Fonz an-

SPIKE: Snap out of it!

She was alone, in Sunnydale, at night. Suddenly, hundreds of people ran toward and past her, people she knew. She then saw the reason they were running.

CAT: A charity fun run!

SPIKE: (as runner) “Wull, I’m doing this forr all the liddle kiddies who wud starve if I didn’t dress up as a hyena and run seventy two miles whilst listening to the sounds of bats screeching on moi walkman”

A golden dragon, which had to have a wingspan of at least 15 feet. It seemed to be made of gold

WASHU: Well fuck me, I would NEVER have seen that coming! A Golden Dragon? Made of gold? Jesus…

; it had a round body with 3 writhing heads that were like Chinese dragon sculptures. It also had two tails and 2 large feet.

SPIKE: Uh, two tails?
CAT: I think we’d better talk to Randomman about the ol’ birds and the bees…

It cackled overhead,

WASHU: Mwa ha! I am the evil dragon of gold that has two tails! I… laugh at your pain! Look at me! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME LAUGH!

and rained death upon Sunnydale.

SPIKE: (as weatherman) And tonight, due to this occluded front here, there will be light showers of death in the afternoon, so better pack a brolly if you’re planning to run in that funrun…

Willow stood helpless as she saw everyone die in front of her. Then the creature rained death upon her; this is where the dream usually ended. But tonight was different, tonight the dream continued. When the blast hit her, she was transported to a spanning white room. She could see nothing but white for what seemed to be miles.

CAT: So, uh, it could really be said that it was a white place? What kind of massive room IS this? And how could she see the walls if they were as white as the floor and ceiling?

SPIKE: How do you “span”?

WASHU: Shush.

She spun around, looking for something that wasn't white. She found it, or rather, it found her. It was a swarm of yellow butterflies, all with huge blue eyes.

SPIKE: (as Willow) Noooo! The eye-bomber butterflies have found me! Now they shall drop huge blue eyes on me from a distance!

Each one had about foot long wingspans,

CAT: Why is Willow so bloody good at guessing wingspans?

they swarmed about, eventually making an oval shape. Within the oval, the image of two women, twins, appeared in it. They both seemed to be Asian, and wore red, primitive-looking, dresses. Before Willow could ask the women anything, they spoke in unison.

"We are the Alenas, emissaries of the guardian of the earth." They said. "You have been chosen to assist her."
"Okay then, what was all that golden-dragon stuff before this?" Willow asked.
"That was to prepare you for the coming of the evil one."

SPIKE: *shifts uncomfortably*

WASHU: *innocently* Where’s Vegeta?

The Alinas answered. "The essence of destructive chaos. The coming of the evil one approaches even as we tell you this."
"Okay then, what do you want me to do?"
"You are to make sure that the forces of good work together.

CAT: (as one of the forces of good) “But the archangels are so prissy! And the seraphim really get on my nerves!”

Be forewarned of those who wish to summon the lord of chaos. They may appear to be allies, but they can be no further from that."
"Who are they!?" Willow shouted, but she asked it to a dark room.

SPIKE: “Dammit, man, I just develop photos, I don’t know!”

She sat up in bed, awake, covered in a film of sweat and breathing heavily. Tara was in bed beside her, and was awakened by Willows shout.

"Willow, are you okay?" She asked groggily.
"Yeah . . . I'm okay." Willow answered.

WASHU: So, looks like SOMEONE hasn’t figured out the “synonym” key in MS Word…

"You had that nightmare again, didn't you"
"Yeah."
"I think there is something behind that dream, you've had it about 30 times now."
"I know there's something behind it. The dream flat out told me so."
"That's odd."

SPIKE: Tara: Queen of understatements.

"I know, it must be REALLY important."
"So what's the message of the dream?"

Before Willow could answer, she noticed something in the sky out her window. A shooting star, that was rather large, and heading toward the earth at phenomenal speed. It then disappeared, there was a pause, then the ground shook with the impact.

CAT: Xander, of course, merely thought it was the earth moving.

The small tremor knocked a teddy bear off the messy bed.

SPIKE: Beg pardon?

WASHU: What’re you implying, Spike?

There was another pause, and then Willow answered. "It was about an evil from above . . . " Her voice trailed off.

Giles drove his red convertible along the shoreline.

WASHU: His red convertible what?

CAT: His sofabed, obviously.

He had to stop in Los Angeles to pick up some supplies for his store, 'The Magic Box', back in Sunnydale. He took the long rout

SPIKE: Let me get this straight. He took “the long state-of-affairs-that-happens-when-a-body-of-people-run-away-in-panic”?

CAT: Shush.

on the way back. He used it because he liked the ocean view, not to mention the salt-sea air.

CAT: It’s not quite salt! It’s not quite sea! It’s saltsea!

But tonight, he would have wished he had taken the direct rout.

SPIKE: Here we go again.

He closed his eyes for a second and took in a lung full of salt

WASHU: Arrgh… that must have hurt…

CAT: (as action film star) “Eat hot salt, mudderfudder…”

SPIKE: Salt Wars: The Adventures Of Uncle Salty.

-air. When he opened them, a large, black figure was only 10-feet in front of him.

CAT: Once again we see the almost phenomenal skill at guessing distances.

Before he could do anything, he slammed into the figure. A bell-like roar

WASHU: What? What kind of bells roar?

SPIKE: “Hmm, that’s the doorbell roaring, I’ll just go get it… damn, now the phone is hollering at me.”

filled his ears as his car crashed into the thing. When he looked up from the wheel of the car, he saw that the figure before him hadn't even moved when the car hit him, the car had almost wrapped around it, like it would a telephone pole. He also saw that the figure before him was not a man, nor a demon.
It was 6 feet high, charcoal black in color.

CAT: So, umm, a demon, then.

SPIKE: Or a very large stick of charcoal.

Maple leaf like plates ran down its back, in 3 rows, like a stegosaurus's did.

WASHU: A stegosaurus ran down its back?

SPIKE: And apparently Maple Leaf likes plates.

CAT: Oh, shut up.

There were smaller plates that were on the sides of the plate-rows.

SPIKE: Just what the hell is going on? Does he seriously think that people can visualise this?

WASHU: It’s easy! There’s, uh, plates everywhere.

CAT: So what you’re saying is Giles almost ran over some plates?

SPIKE: Damn free-range chinaware…

Each large plat was fringed with white.

WASHU: Now it has plaits? Cos that’s what it sounds like.

CAT: “Noooo! It’s the hairy plates!”

Its head was like a dinosaur, but it had a large nose-ridge and eyebrow ridges. It had 4-fingered hands and very large, four toed, feet.

CAT: Soooo…. It’s normal? It has a pentadactyl limb? What?

It turned and snarled at Giles, revealing 2 rows of serrated teeth, and two fangs. Giles was overcome with terror as the spines on the creatures back danced with electricity. It then opened its mouth, Giles jumped out of the car

SPIKE: Giles, being paralysed with fear, leapt out of the car. Fine.

as a blast of blue, radioactive-heat energy

WASHU: Goddamit, man, that’s just OTT.

shot from the beast's mouth and destroyed the car. Giles remained on the ground with his head covered, the creature unwrapped the wreckage from around him and turned it on it's back. The creature then lumbered off.

CAT: So, uh, it destroyed the drivable sofabed then ran away?
SPIKE: It was terrified of what the entire MST board would do to it if it damaged Giles in any way that wouldn’t cause him to seek refuge in New Ross/Machester etc.

WASHU: What the hell are you talking about?

Giles looked up to see the beast disappear behind a hill. He then looked at the road ahead of him. It was a long walk to Sunnydale . . .

Buffy walked alone through the graveyard, looking for something undead to slay. But tonight, there was an unusual lack of them. It was almost 2, and not one vampire. Suddenly three vampires ran toward her

WASHU: …

, she took up a battle-ready position, but the vampires ran right past her. She looked at the darkness where they came from and soon saw why. A red, slit like eye shined from the darkness. It was accompanied by a metallic howl.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) “Hey, eye, who’s your friend?”
CAT: (as eye) “Oh, this is Howl… he’s got a metal fetish, so, uh, watch out for your car…”

Soon, the owner of the eye and the metallic howl

WASHU: Ok, how does a howl be metallic?
CAT: In much the same way that a colour sounds like.

stepped into the light.
The creature was almost 7 feet tall

SPIKE: And yes, not once have the cast got a measurement wrong.

CAT: They’d be great for interior decorating.

, it had a metal beak with metal mandibles on its side. It's body was mostly covered with golden scales, it had gray arms and legs that had huge, thick, metal scythes in place of hands/forearms/forelegs. It had 3 dimetrodon-like fins along its back. It also had several, forward-curving metal horns that ran from its head to the tip of its tail. Its gray head also had a small nub above the single eye. Its stomach had a line of downwardly curved spikes that reminded Buffy of a saw from shop class, only much bigger.
The creature was then followed by a second cyborg. This one was like 7 and a half-foot cockroach. It had a beetle-like shell, and head, but only 2 legs and 2 arms. The two arms ended in metal spades that reminded Buffy of half of a drill. Its head was toped with a metal horn that ended in a 4-pronged star. Its underbelly was covered in leaf-like scales. It had mandibles on both the sides of its mouth and in the positions of normal, human, jaws.
The bird-like cyborg gave out a metallic screech and took to the air. Buffy could hear jets as it flew. The monster flew 5 feet above the ground, toward the fleeing vampires. It flew over them and sliced of their heads with its metal scythes. 2 of the demons were reduced to dust in this fashion. The other monster simply spit what looked like a red rubber-ball at the last vampire. Upon contact, there was a fiery explosion that enveloped the demon, killing it. The insect seemed to laugh at what it did. The metal bird then called out to its insect-like accomplice.
**Do you have any clue what Zigra said to do if we found a slayer, Megalon?**
the bird-like cyborg asked.
**I don't know Gigan. All I know is that if we do something that doesn't fit into his plan, hell put us in that trance again.** Megalon answered.
**Damn . . . and I love the way slayers taste. . . ** Gigan sighed.
**Come on,** Megalon called to his partner. **We gotta do more of the cleansing anyway.**
With that, both cyborgs flew off. Leaving Buffy alone to wonder what the hell had just happened.

Anya opened the shop in the morning, she was surprised, and a little worried. Giles was always there to open up the shop before she even got there. She looked around to see if he was anywhere nearby, but he wasn't. She stepped in, and opened the store. And waited nervously for Giles to arrive . . .
Giles finally arrived later that day, a little bit after the Scooby gang, whom Anya called after waiting for about 2 hours for Giles to arrive. It was about 10 a.m. everyone was relieved when Giles entered. He had been walking since about 4 in the morning, and was extremely tired. After they sat Giles down, they immediately asked him what had happened. But he fell asleep before he could answer. With Giles safe, the Scooby gang returned to the conversation that they were having before Giles returned.
"So, what were those things, again." Xander asked.
"Oh, right. The first was this big Cockroach-thing." Buffy was then cut off.
"Excuse me, but, a cockroach?" Anya asked.
"Well, it looked pretty demonic. And the other one was some weird Bird-dinosaur cyborg with one eye." Buffy continued.
"And they were doing what, exactly." Xander asked her.
"They were killing vampires." Buffy explained.
"So, they were helping." Tara asked. "Isn't that good?"
"Um, not really, things could get bad because of this, like what happened with Faith." Willow explained.
"Yeah, besides, I don't even want to see them again, let alone have them help me." Said Buffy.
Willow was about to tell the gang about her dream, when a low hum grew was noticed by all in the room. It grew louder and louder, it was like a huge drill was being used. Suddenly a drill about one and a half foot long boor through the wooden floor. The owner, Megalon, followed it. He flew up out of the ground and landed just in front of the hole he dug. He brought his hands apart, splitting the drill he uses back into the metal spades that replaced his hands. He then issued an insectine screech from its mouth.
"The Roach!" Buffy yelled as she pointed at Megalon.
Before they could do anything about the insect, Gigan, who also flew out of the hole and emitted a metallic howl, joined it.
"The Cyborg!" Buffy pointed to the other monster.
Gigan and Megalon stood in combat ready positions. Buffy was about to fight the Kaiju when what looked a lot like a flying saucer from an old B movie flew up from the hole. It looked almost like a crown. A low, rather dark voice then came from the saucer.
"Hello, there. This is the Magic Box?" It asked.
"Um . . . yeah" Anya answered.
"Splendid! Oh, wait. Where are my manners?" it stopped itself. "I am known as Zigra. These are my associates, Gigan and Megalon." Zigra introduced, "And you must be the local Slayer!" Zigra seemed to stare at Buffy.
"What do you want?" Buffy asked harshly.
"Funny you should ask. I have a list here . . . " a beam of light shot from the ship's underbelly, a list materialized on the counter. "I would like to purchase the items on it."
"Wait, you want to buy something?" Anya asked.
"Well, yes. Did you expect me to have my minions here tear the shop apart and steal the thing? Please, we're intelligent beings. We're far beyond such displays of violence, don't you agree?" Zigra said.
**WHAT! No violence? You said we'd get to do some violence here!**Gigan interrupted.
**Yeah, We wanna show up this little bitch! Show her that she has no chance!** Megalon added.
**Fine then!** Zigra spoke in his native tongue. "Pardon me, but it seems my associates wish to show you how fortunate you are that we will be doing business in this manner, instead of the more primitive way." Zigra said to the Scooby gang.
With that, Gigan walked over to a section of the counter. He then reduced it to splinters with several blows of his scythes. Megalon put his hands back together and formed the drill with his hands. He took his drill to one of the shelves and reduced it, too, to splinters. Gigan and Megalon then returned to Zigra's side. Willow cautiously walked over to the counter and snatched the list from it.
"If you would be so kind as to get the items as soon as possible." Zigra spoke as Willow quickly scanned the list.
"This is for a cleansing spell." Willow noted.
"Yes, this planet is far to dirty for me to leave my ship. So, I need to clean it up, well at least this area. It is really cramped in here." Zigra said.
"Wait, this planet?" Tara asked.
"Did you think I was a local?" Zigra asked sarcastically.
"Well, we've seen a lot of demons and the like." Anya explained.
"You think I'm a demon? Please, I'm not of this filthy world!" Zigra sarcasm began to hurt the natives with his earth bashing. Xander, during this entire visit stood in shock.
Anya went behind the desk and quickly gathered the thing on the list, put them in a bag and put it on what was left of the counter. Another beam of light shot from Zigra's craft, the bag dissipated.
"Thank You." Said Zigra. "I hope that you will be able to see what I look like outside this craft."
**Before you die!** Megalon added.
"Well, we must be off. Bye." Zigra then went down the hole, followed by Gigan and Megalon.

Zigra finished the spell and the water in the cave, and the lake outside, was clean. As was most of Sunnydale. It was cleaner than it had ever been, possibly too clean. With that done, the ship that held Zigra exploded as Zigra stretched himself out for the earth. He had a metal cased head like a cardinal's. A blue body with 5 silver fins running down his back. He had metal edged pectoral fins and a tri-pronged tail; he stood on that tail and looked around.
**It's good to be out of that shell.** Zigra stretched. He then turned to Gigan and Megalon. **Don't you two have work to do?** Zigra said, sending his henchmen off.
When they were gone, he dived into the water and swam up an underground tunnel. He emerged in a cave on the other side. It was a round room; in the center was a large, silvery stone. It was the meteor that had fallen to earth recently. In the room, a large butterfly-like creature was circling the stone. But it wasn't like a normal one; it was more like a hell-butterfly. It's wings were orange tinted and had jagged edges. Its body was black and spiny. It's head had three orange horns on it, it's eyes were red slits. It had a wingspan of about 12 feet, and a body about 5 feet long. When the creature spotted Zigra, it landed on top of the meteor.
**Patience, Battra. For a being that's been around for as long as you have, you sure can't wait very long.** Zigra spoke.
**It's not that.** Battra told him.
**Then what is it?** Zigra asked.
**She knows.**
**Who?**
**My 'other', she knows**
**Damn. Has she done anything about it?**
**Unfortunately yes. She's made her contacts. What was expected, but she did something else.**
**What?**
**She made another contact, a Wiccan**
**What? Why?**
**I don't know.**
**I thought you had a psychic link to her**
**It's more complicated than that! So, how will you handle this?**
**tsht! It's only a mortal, a human at that.**
**Yes, but you already met her.**
**What?**
**She's allied with the Slayer.**
**And this means what to me?**
**True. I suggest that you do something about it. This is no ordinary slayer.** Battra red eyes seemed to glow as he spoke.

That's where it ends. Feel the pain of writers block.