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Title: MST3K 1/2- `My Hero` and `Evolution` (Buffy)
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
It’s a doubler today, folks. Two Buffy fics, one for the lads to
MiSTie, and one for the girls to do. Did I mention the vodka? There’s a lot of
that about. And Pokémon. Vodka and Pokémon. Which sounds like a terrible
detective novel, I know, but there you go. :o) And the hosting part sucks, it’s
too explanatory. It’ll be back to it’s weird oddness next time. That is, if
there uis a next time, I need more fic, goshdarnit.
Sooo… as ever, fics to
me! Fics to me! dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk . Aww, come on, are you prepared to
laugh at yourself or not? Jisuka-hime’s done it twice now, to Spike’s
happiness.
Huuuuge thanks to the authors who send me stuff, at the risk of
sounding like a poor actress getting an Academy Award… I love you all!
Mwah!
That’s about it, except for the disclaimer that I always forget.
It’s not mine.
That OK? The characters aren’t mine (Aoi aside) ,
the idea isn’t mine, the poorly rhyming theme is mainly not mine. And now that
we’re nice and legal, off we go!
*begin funky waah-waah guitar*
In the
not-too distant future,
Somewhere in time and space,
A random group of
people are caught in an endless chase,
Pursued by a woman whose name is
Jessibelle,
An evil girl who wants James to be hers,
She threw a few fics
in her purse,
And in her rocket ship she trails them all across the
universe!
(Jessibelle: `You’re not running properly!`)
Jessibelle:
"I’ll send them crappy fanfic,
The worst I can find,
They’ll have to sit
and read them all,
Until James is mine!"
Now keep in mind they can’t
control where the fanfics begin or end,
They’ll have to keep their sanity
with the help of their loyal friends.
Reviewer role-call!
*for the
girls!*
Cat! "I’m not *that* surreal…"
Jessie! "Eww,
hentai-y."
Ao-o-oi! "I’m meant to say something here?"
*for the
guys!*
Scott! "I’m going insane!"
Declan!
"Pika-pika-pikachu!"
Spi-i-i-ke! "Sod off."
The weird bits are
innumerable, please try not to barf,
Just repeat to yourself, it’s only a
fic, turn off your brain and laugh,
Mystery Surreal Theatre 3000 ½!
We
begin a new MST3K ½ story not in the SoL, as usual, but in Jessibelle’s smaller
spaceship, ex-property of Team Rocket boss Giovanni, who’s off on a little
holiday. She’s giving the place a minor spring clean, and, finding some junk to
get rid of, she calls the SoL on the monitor. What better place to chuck a load
of old rubbish than there?
"Helloooo, my dearest pets!" Jessibelle chirped,
annoyingly sunny as ever.
"Headache." murmured Spike, who had the bad luck to
be stood near the monitor at the time. "No time for irritating sweetness." He’d
been trying to bite Declan, who had finished off the last of the milk, and the
chip in his head was giving him a hard time about it. Aoi gently pushed Spike
aside and onto something soft. The soft thing happened to be James, who was
sleeping on the sofa. Above the noises of a minor death struggle behind her, Aoi
grinned at Jessibelle, and asked what was up.
"Well, dear, I’m cleaning out
some of the old junk on the Team Rocket command ship, and I figured you’d want
it!"
"Uh… Thanks?"
"I can tell you’re pleased! Shame. Anyway, I’m sure Mr
Giovanni won’t need these old Pokémon anyway, you can have some, then I’ll let
the rest free."
Aoi looked up sharply. "Pokémon?" she asked in disbelief.
"You want us to take them?" She made a few frantic motions to catch the rest of
the crew’s attention, and they crowded around the screen noisily. There wasn’t a
lot of space, and it was a bit of a squeeze.
"Eww, yes, take the horrible
brutes. The only Pokémon I need is my beautiful Vileplume!" She hugged it for
emphasis, squeezing a good deal of air out of the poor plant’s lungs. Behind it,
Gio’s Persian snickered. It had been hell since Gio went on holiday, leaving
Jessibelle to look after him, but the odd moment of Vileplume torture made it a
little better.
"James, get your elbow out of my ear!"
"Sorry, Jessie, but
someone’s pushing my arm!"
"Oh, that’s me, sorry."
"No, actually, it was
me, I was doing it on purpose."
"Dammit, Vegeta!"
"Hehe."
"Bite
me."
"I would if I could, but I can’t!"
Aoi made a few more of the hand
motions she was so good at, accidentally hitting Ant in the process. "Shushums!"
she yelled. "Jessibelle’s offloading old Team Rocket Pokémon on us!"
"Really?
Nice."
"I wanna Charizard!"
"I want a Bulbasaur!"
"I want a Pikachu!
Oh, wait, I have one."
Jessibelle shook her head. "Uh-uh. We’re not doing it
like that, it’s far too convenient. Now, they all have little number-thingys,
call one out, and you’ll get that Pokémon."
"Suits me." grinned Aoi and
Declan, both of whom had spent too much time on Pokémon Stadium and knew all of
the numbers.
"37!" yelled Aoi, who was rewarded with a red Pokeball from the
transporter.
"26!" said Dec, who also got a Pokeball. The others, who
actually had lives and hadn’t memorised the Pokémon orders, yelled numbers at
random, each getting a Pokeball. James dropped his twice, before Jessie hit him
over the head with hers and duct-taped it to his hands.
"OK, now what?" asked
Scott. Jessie demonstrated by throwing the Pokeball with practised ease,
revealing an Arcanine. James did the same, with some difficulty, since the tape
was still hanging on. Eventually, he received his…
"Growly! My Growlithe!" he
hugged Growly tightly, which licked his face and woofed contentedly. "Er… but
why did Team Rocket have my Growlithe?"
"Some plot point we missed, I guess."
shrugged Cat.
"All right, lets have a go." Scott threw the ball, which
bounced off the wall and rolled under the sofa. Vegeta was throwing his up in
the air and catching it, and Spike had completely ignored his and had buggered
off to make coffee.
After some time, a lot of demonstrating by Jessie and
James and several dents in the wall, the Pokeballs were opened.
Vegeta pulled
a face. "It’s a blob of gas." He sniffed. "With a ball in the centre."
"It’s
a Gastly." said Aoi, who was playing with her new Vulpix. "It’s all ghost-y and
that." The Gastly pulled a face back at Vegeta, and they started a miniature,
yet vicious, face-pulling contest. Since Vegeta couldn’t turn his face inside
out like the Ghost Pokémon, he kinda lost. Scott ended up with a Psyduck, Cat
with a Starmie, Declan with a Raichu, Ant with a Ditto, and Spike, to his great
distaste, got a Jigglypuff.
"What the hell is it?" he sniffed. The Jigglypuff
puffed up in annoyance and used a double-slap attack on his face.
"Oh, and
there are some bottles here, too, I figure you can recycle them!" yipped
Jessibelle.
"In what?" frowned Scott. He was ignored for plot reasons, as a
few crates of bottles hit the floor. "Ooo, vodka."
"I don’t like that stuff,
it doesn’t taste nice. You have it." said Jessibelle. There was a cheer from the
crew. "And since I’ve been so nice and gave you so much stuff, I’m sure you
won’t mind reading two fics today!" There was a boo from the crew. Someone
chucked a shoe at the monitor.
"Of course, if you simply let me have James,
you won’t have to read any more… no? Fine. They’re Buffy fics, so Spike has to
be in both of them, but apart from that, I want different people in each time.
The fics begin in an hour." Jessibelle disappeared from view with a click, and a
small wail from Persian, who had just received a face full of gas from
Vileplume.
"I say," said Spike, standing up and grabbing a bottle, "That we
get good and blasted before we go in."
Strangely enough, no-one
disagreed.
An hour or so later, the crates were lighter, many people and
Pokémon alike were highly drunk, and groups for the theatre had been set up,
three lads first, then three girls and Spike. So, as the light went off, three
people carefully stood up, and made their way to the theatre, eventually making
it after ten minutes and a twisted ankle fro,m tripping over
Growly.
***Spike staggers in waving the half full bottle, Declan trips in
after him, and Scott drags himself in last, holding two bottles. He hands one to
Dec, before falling into his chair.***
SPIKE: *singing drunkenly* Five green
bottlesh… standing on th’ wall-ll-ll-ll…
DEC: *sings drunkenly also* If on…
er… one of them bottles should ‘appen to fall…
SCOTT: *snores*
SPIKE:
*elbows Scott in the ribs* Wake up! Fic!
SCOTT: Wstfgl… uh… drink?
SPIKE:
No, *fic.*
SCOTT: Aww.
DEC: Try looking in your hand, Sherlock
Evil.
SCOTT: *looks blearily at his hand, the one holding a bottle* Oh.
Yeah.
>Author: jisuka-hime
SPIKE: Yes! I love Jisuka-hime!
*hic* Mwah!
SCOTT: Do we get more Angel mockery? Cause I heard that was
fun.
SPIKE: *slurs* It was!
DEC: My head hurts… vodka…
bad…
>Rating: Umm... pj or
SCOTT: … Duncan. *giggles*
DEC:
Shut up. Ow.
>g
>Title: My Hero
>Summary: Angel loves
pufft
SCOTT: The Stay-Puft Marshmallow man?
DEC: Actually, I think
it’s the worst typo for `Buffy` I’ve ever seen.
SPIKE: Oooh, let’s call her
`Pufft` from now on, it suits her. *giggles*
ALL: *giggle
drunkenly*
>so when people speak to her he gets all madd!
>Story: Whe Angel walked into the Bronze The first person he spotted was
Buffy talking with Buffy.
SCOTT: Wha…?
DEC: She’s talking... with…
herself…?
SPIKE: Double Buffy? That’s not a good thing…
SCOTT: That would
maybe make sense if I hadn’t had five Smirnoff Ices before I came in
here.
>The jelousy rose within him and within moments he was across
the room to where the duo sat.
DEC: Duo! Gundam *hic* Wing!
*giggles*
SCOTT: Why’s Duo in the Bronze? Wouldn’t have thought the mobile
suit wotsit would fit through the door.
>Grabbing Xander with one
hand, and biting him.
DEC: Nooooo! Not Xander! *falls off
chair*
SCOTT: (as Xander) Hell, I wasn’t even here! I was at the other end of
the room talking with Willow about Buffy’s new twin, Pufft!
*Dec pulls
himself back up shakily*
>Don't you dare talk to my woman," he
growled, throwing Xander across the room.
>Ohh, Angel, my hero!" Buffy
gushed,
SPIKE: Lemon alert! Lemon alert!
ALL: Eww!
SCOTT: Duck and
cover!
*Dec falls off his chair again*
SCOTT: *giggles* Not literally,
man.
DEC: Oh, ‘k. *gets back up shakily*
>jumping to her feet and
throwing her arms around him.
>It's okay, Buffy," Angel told her sweetly.
"I will kill all those who dare talk to you."
>Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you!" Buffy said, jumping up and down.
SPIKE: *giggles madly*
Buffy onna Space Hopper!
ALL: *silence as that image is thought over for a
while*
>"I want only to be with you, all others deserve to die!"
>But, Buffy -- " Willow protested, from her seat at the table.
>Angel, kill her. Now!" Buffy ordered, and the vampire jumped to obey
her, biting Willow and drinking her blood with a >smile.
DEC: Noooo!
Not Willow! *falls off chair again*
SPIKE: *hiccups* (to Dec) Why’re you on
the floor?
DEC: I’m not sure…
>Strangely, no one in the crowded
restaurant seemed to notice
>Xander suddenly jumped to his feet, and
Angel's eyes widened as he took an instinctive step backwards.The boy's >eyes
were glowing golden with rage, demonically golden.
SCOTT: … and
magically delicious!
SPIKE: Xander’s eyes are Lucky Charms?
SCOTT: One’s a
green clover, and one’s a yellow star. But no icky cereal bits, just the yummy
mushroom. Er, marshmallow. *hiccups*
>You . . . you . . . you . . . "
Xander chanted in a strange tone, walking towards Angel with outstretched
arms.
DEC: (as Xander) I love you *this* much!
SPIKE: (as Xander)
Angel, hold me!
SCOTT: (As Xander) Angel, pull my finger!
>"He's
become a zombie. Angel told Buffy, grabbing her arm and pulling her behind him,
still intent upon protecting >her from all that wanted to speak with her.
>Oh, no! Angel, save me!" Buffy cried in a frightened voice.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) He wants to *speak* to me! Oh, the horror!
SCOTT:
(as Buffy) Yeah, you know I’m allergic to vocals! All those speech patterns… oh,
the pain, the pain of it all!
>I will protect you, Buffy," the vampire
assured her. Just then Giles walked into the Bronze, and ran towards them.
>Buffy -- " he said.
>"Angel," Buffy said quickly, before Giles could
continue, "he dared to speak to me." Angel's face transformed into >that of
it's vampire visage, and he took a step towards the Watcher, ignoring the zombie
Xander.
DEC: (as Zombie Xander) Er, hello? Being a zombie here, people!
`You, you, you`, ya know?
SCOTT: (as Giles) Yeah, attack the zombie, not
me!
>You you you COW," he hissed. "You -- you dared to speak with
Buffy, Goddess of Slayers?" Giles' eyes widened. >"What's going on here?" he
asked. Buffy, you promised me you were going to stop seeing him! What about us?"
SPIKE: Oooh, hello. Smut between the old guy and the Slayer?
DEC: Aw,
ew. That’s a sobering thought.
SCOTT: You’re still not sober, though.
DEC:
Not very sobering, then. *hiccups*
>Angel suddenly stopped,
transforming back to his human face and turning to stare at Buffy with a hurt
statement. >What's he talking about, Buffy?" Angel demanded. It was when you
were avoiding me," Buffy explained. "I couldn't >live without you, but you
were never around. I needed a protector, and Giles was available. However you
are here >now, and I will not permit any but you to speak with me." Angel
nodded, and ran towards Giles, biting him and >draining him of his blood, as
he had done to Willow.
DEC: Noooo! Not Giles! *falls off chair once
more*
>That's taken care of," he told Buffy, returning his attention
to Xander. You . . . you . . . you . . ." Xander continued to >chant, his
arms outstretched. Xander, what are you doing?" Cordelia demanded, walking into
the club and dressed >in
SCOTT: A trash-bag?
DEC:
Greyhounds?
SPIKE: *leers* Nothing?
>the latest fashion, as always.
I told you never to speak with Buffy!" You . . . you . . . you . . . " Xander
said again. >Yeah, it's me, no, duh!" Cordelia replied, rolling her eyes.
SCOTT: … across the pool table and into the left hand
pocket.
>Just thought you idiots might be interested in knowing that
Spike and Drusilla have taken over the planet.
SPIKE: YES! I
rule!
SCOTT: Oh, great…
DEC: Hang on, mate, you’re not even on the planet
right now.
SPIKE: Oh.
SCOTT: Spike rules the world! Hot and cold running
vodka for all!
ALL: Yippee!
>Everyone except those in the Bronze
now serve them." ANGEL!" Buffy screamed. "She just spoke with me!" Angel's
>eyes narrowed dangerously.
DEC: It *is* dangerous to have narrower
eyeballs than you should.
SPIKE: (as Angel, whiny) Buffy! My eyes got too
narrow and they popped out of my skull! *cries*
>"How dare you," he
hissed, advancing towards Cordelia. Xander turned to do the same, still
chanting.
SCOTT: (as Zombie Xander, chanting) How funky is your chicken…
how funky is your chicken…
>Angel got to her first, and drained her of
her blood happily.
DEC: ...
SCOTT: What, no `Noooooo!` and a chair
dive?
DEC: For Cordy? Nah.
>"That's what you get for talking to my
Buffy," he told her. Oh, my hero!" Buffy chirped cheerfully. " I'm never talking
to >you again!" growled Cordiliea.
SPIKE: …With no blood.
DEC: (as
Cordy) In the five seconds I have to live, I’m never talking to you again!
Except to tell you that I won’t be talking, which is what I’m doing now, so my
not talking to you begins now ! Gurrgh! *chokes*
>You . . . you . . .
you . . . " Xander continued.
DEC: Bejesus, does that ever stop?
SCOTT: Yeah, kill ‘em again!
>"God, would you shut him up
already?" Buffy demanded. Angel frowned. "I already killed him, though," he
protested.
>"Kill him again!"
SPIKE: Ooo, psychic. Or have you
read this before?
DEC: Yeah. In fact, I can tell you what happens next…
someone else DIES!
SCOTT: If Oz wanders in and dies, do I have a right to be
disturbed? He reminds me of me.
>Angel sighed and rolled his eyes
heavenwards before advancing on the boy once more. Biting the
boy-turned->zombie, he drank his blood and then threw his body against the
wall before shuddering.
DEC: Noooo, not Xander again!
SCOTT/SPIKE:
*wait*
SCOTT: Not falling over this time?
DEC: Oh aye, yeah. *falls off
chair*
>"I was right," he muttered.
>"About what, my hero?"
Buffy purred.
SPIKE: (as Angel) He hadn’t washed his neck since
Thursday. It was gross.
DEC: (as Angel) He made a neato splatter as he hit
the wall.
SCOTT: (as Angel) Chickens making excellent house-pets. But,
anyway…
>He doesn't taste good. I didn't think he would."
>Oh,
but you dealt with it for me?" Buffy said ecstatically. "Oh, thank you, thank
you, Angel, you're the best, I don't >know how I ever lived without you."
>You'll never have to again," Angel answered, kissing her.
>I've
killed all those who distract you from me. So long as we never leave the Bronze
Spike and Drusilla can not >speak with you."
SPIKE: Speak with her? I
don’t want to speak with her. I want to drain her blood and do a kooky dance on
her grave, talking wouldn’t come into it.
>Oh, goodie!" Buffy replied.
"Promise me if any one of these people," she gestured towards the still
oblivious patrons, >dare speak with me, you will kill them."
>"Of
course I will," Angel said. "I will kill anyone who dares speak with you." My
hero!" Buffy said again, and they >kissed once more.
SCOTT: (as
Waiter) Would you like another coffee?
SPIKE: (as Buffy) No! Help me Angel,
he’s viciously speaking to me!
DEC: (As Angel) Taa daa daaa! Angel Boy is
here to save the day!
>*****
>THE END
>A/N Wasn't That
fun?
DEC: Fun like a hernia…
SPIKE: AN? What’s that?
SCOTT:
Anti-Nebraska.
DEC: Altitude? Never.
SPIKE: Alcohol Nurse.
SCOTT: OK,
was it just me, or did our last three statements not make any sense?
DEC:
*thinks* … It’s just you, mate.
I think this is the best story I've ever
written!
SPIKE: No way! Sugar Spice and Gunpowder, with the whiny Angel,
fainting Buffy, dumb Willow and selfish Oz! That ruled! *shameless plug alert
for Jisuka-hime’s Sugar, Spice and Gunpowder… Oh, and the MiSTing of it I did,
of course. ^_^*
Hope you have enjoyedd reading it as much as I have.
Until next time Bye bye!
SCOTT: Next… time? Aww, a new neurosis…
DEC:
That was… odd…
SCOTT: I’m scared.
DEC: I’m terrified.
SPIKE: I RULE THE
WORLD! *hic*
SCOTT: It was freakish.
SPIKE: I liked it, anyway.
DEC: It
was OK. But that could be the drink talking.
SCOTT: *giggles* Talking drink…
hehee… little talking bottles and that…
DEC: It’s the girl’s turn, we gotta
get out now. And we have Pokémon to play about with.
SPIKE: Can’t I change my
pink balloon Pokémon for… well… *anything* else?
SCOTT: Hehee… talking girls
drink bottles…
*** They eventually find their legs and wobble out of the
theatre.***
***Tis time for the girl’s fic, and Aoi skips in happily
(vodka makes her ultra giddy), followed by Cat, also skipping. Jessie last,
there’s much less skipping from her. Spike trundles in last, not entirely
wanting to be `one of the girls`.***
AOI: Heheee…
CAT: Whee!
JESSIE:
*sighs* This is gonna be hell.
SPIKE: I’m a bit more sober now, I
think.
JESSIE: Thank god for that…
SPIKE: S’alright James.
JESSIE:
Augh!
AOI: *drunkenly* Hell… that rhymes with yell! Hah!
CAT: Arr, you’re
soooo clever.
>Title: Evolution 1/1 B/A, sorta B/R
>Author:
Starla (Starla@B...) Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and his crew own the characters,
settings, >etc. I'm borrowing them, I'll give em a run through the carwash
before I put em back.
CAT: *starts singing `Carwash` very loudly. Very
loudly. Aoi joins in and starts to dance on the cinema seats before Jessie pulls
them both down.*
JESSIE: You’ll thank me for his tomorrow. *thwaps them over
the head with a mallet, stunning them slightly. As an afterthought, she thwacks
Spike too*
SPIKE: Aiee, what was that for?
JESSIE: I’m fairly certain you
were about to play percussion along with them.
SPIKE: Wasn’t!
JESSIE: Air
guitar, then.
SPIKE: You got me…
>Distribution: IF you want it,
take it, but let me know. Author's Notes: I seriously had to debate >whether
or not to post this. I personally think it's a piece of shite,
CAT: Ooo,
language!
AOI: I hope that’s not literal, I *really* don’t want to read an
actual piece of…
JESSIE: *Please*. Stop. There.
>but I decided to
get another opinion.
JESSIE: *cracks knuckles* Well, here it
comes!
>I was written at midnight, and I've got the flu, or something,
ALL: Aww!
AOI: If I wasn’t a fictional character, I’d send
chocolates. Erm, but I am. But the thought was there.
>so it might not
make sense. It was a writers block breaker, that's my only excuse. Author's
Notes >2: I'm so sorry you have to read this...
SPIKE: *tearfully*
We’re sorry too!
JESSIE: Come off it, it might be good.
CAT: If Jessibelle
got it? Not likely.
>Feedback: Feel free to send death threats,
letterbombs, or howlers. (Starla@B...) Dedication: I >can't bring myself to
associate anybody else's name to this fic.
AOI: Dedicate it to Stalin,
then, he won’t mind.
>*****
JESSIE: Lookit!
Snowflakes!
CAT: No way! Those are pretty stars in the sky!
AOI: Nuh-uh!
Ninja Death Stars! *yells* Keeeooyyw! *punches the air a few
times*
>It's amazing how quickly things can change so quickly, without
warning.
AOI: *begins to sing `Warning` by Green Day, but shuts up when
she sees Jessie’s face*
>24 hours ago, I believe that she loved me.
SPIKE: But 24 hours ago, you also believed that pebbles could be the
other white meat, so…
>That we would be together for ever, and that
she would hold me in my arms as I took my dying >breath. I can still barely
believe that I'm facing a future without her.
SPIKE: Ah-hah! It’s that
soldier boy, Riley, and Slayer’s left him! Hah!
JESSIE: Well done, Spike, but
you only just got that?
SPIKE: Um.
AOI: Hell, I’m drunk, and I’m a few
pages ahead of you there, Bob.
SPIKE: Spike.
AOI:
Whatever.
>Funnily enough, it was the creep in the bar that made me
see.
CAT: (as Riley) He handed me my glasses, I could see much better
then.
>Willy the Snitch. Greasiest cockroach you'll ever meet,
JESSIE: I’m not sure you can make a claim like that, I did go to that
cockroach greasing festival the other year. Those were some slippery
roaches.
SPIKE: *leering* Feel free to grease my cockroach…
*all of the
girls hit him with mallets*
SPIKE: Aoow, Fine, I got the point. And where the
hell did you get those mallets from?
>but strangely sincere, almost
innocent.
>
>He didn't know I was her boyfriend. I try to tell
myself that.
JESSIE: I tell myself he thought I was her pet kitty, but I
don’t believe me.
>The truth is, he knew. He just wanted me to know
what I was up against. Buffy and Angel, >forbidden lovers, 'til the end.
CAT: (as Homer Simpson) Mmm, forbidden donut…
ALL:
*drool*
>I went in there to ask him about Angel, after Buffy had run
off to LA to save him from Faith. >That really should have been my first
warning, but I honestly believed that she was paying off >some old debt to
him.
>
>"My buddy Angel? What do you wanna know?" Willy asked. His
eyes narrowed, "More >importantly, *why* do you wanna know? You're one of
those Initiative guys, aren't you?"
>
>"I was," I said shortly,
"Things change. I'm looking into the ally thing,"
CAT: The alley
thing?
JESSIE: I thought Faith was the `Alley Thing.` Back-alleys, at
least…
AOI: Me-ow!
>I lied, "There's going to be some people
sniffing around after me now that I've gone AWOL, if >you know what I mean."
That part, at least, was true.
>
>"Yeah?" Willy looked suspicious,
but he didn't call me on my fib.
JESSIE: Tut-tut-tut, Riley’s been
fibbing!
ALL: Ooooh!
AOI: Oo’s a nawty boy, den?
>"What's the
information worth to you, my friend?" I pulled a $2O
CAT: Is that one of
those new smilies?
AOI: Aye, it’s a… yelling large-nosed man with broken
sunglasses.
>out of my wallet, having been expecting the need for some
'motivation', and slid it across the bar >towards him.
>
>He
looked down at it, unimpressed.
JESSIE: (as Willy) Your sliding skills
need some work. And you could’ve got a cleaner $20.
>He angled his
brow,
AOI: (as Willy) Got a spirit level? I have this feeling that my
brow is a little slopey…
"Man, if the Slayer finds out I've been spilling
the dirt on Angel, my ass is as >good as kicked."
>
>"The
Slayer?" I repeated casually, "Why?" "She and Angel, they were a hot item," He
said, >picking up his rag and wiping down the bar, "Used to come in here
together, look'n for some >information. I was all to happy to
oblige...wouldn't wanna deny those two anything, between the >two of them,
they could probably take out me and all my customers without too much effort.
>Deadly duo, we used to call them..."
SPIKE: And here’s me calling
them `Dumb and Dumber.` Silly me.
>
>I looked at him
sceptically.
>
>"Ok, so no-one called them that. But they could
have, that's the main point."
>
>"So what happened?" I asked,
dropping all pretense of being interested in Angel strictly in a >business
sense.
SPIKE: (as Riley) I don’t want to know you strictly in a business
sense, Mr Angel. Grrowl…
AOI: Eeew, I’m close to throwing up already, that
doesn’t help.
>"What didn't happen?" Willy said, emphasizing his
statement with a snap of his polishing cloth.
CAT: (as Willy) Ow. What
the hell did I do that for…?
>"Those two are angst magnets,
CAT: (as Willy) And you’re a refrigerator magnet, it would never work
out.
>I tell you. If there's a possibility for angst and pain in any
situation, it happens to them."
SPIKE: (as Willy) They once tried to
change a lightbulb, and they had a huge row. People were killed, cities were
destroyed, all because Buffy wanted the rose tint and Angel wanted the peach
tint…
>"So it was an unhappy relationship," I said, "and she decided
that she couldn't go through that >anymore, that it wasn't worth it?"
>
>"*He* decided," Willy corrected, "He didn't want her to suffer
that anymore. Wanted her to >forget about him, find some nice, normal boy,
who could give her everrything that Angel never >could,
AOI: Even an
extra `R` in `everything`…
JESSIE: Low kick, that…
AOI: *shamed* Sorry.
I’m still half drunk, grammar riffs are all I can do.
>even though
they both knew she'd never *really* love the poor fool." Willy shook his head,
"The >Slayer's gone down since then, I tell you. I've seen her, moping
through her patrol, stumbling >blindly into
JESSIE: Lamp
posts?
CAT: Greyhounds?
AOI: Artichokes?
SPIKE: Clouds of toxic
gas?
>fights.
SPIKE: Damn.
>I've seen the demons
coming in here, who've gotten away from her. That *never* happened, >before.
She and Angel , they rarely lost a single one. Her pain is great for my
business, you >know, but it doesn't make me feel better. I liked them."
>
>It was like being dunked in ice water. I was so cold, it hurt,
and I felt like I couldn't move. I was >being dragged under, I couldn't
breathe, let me breathe-
SPIKE: No, don’t, please don’t let him
breathe…
CAT: Actually, this is rather sweet and sad…
JESSIE: Yeah…
*sniff* Poor Riley, he really loved Buffy… *sobs*
AOI: It may be the drink
talking, but I think I’m going to cry.
>
>Suddenly, this
beautiful calm set in, like sunshine spreading over my skin.
>
>It
was as if I'd known for a long time, but I know I hadn't. I just liked to think
that I wasn't really >foolish enough to believe the lies in her eyes, her
touch. All I could think, was that now I knew. >I wasn't in the dark, as I'd
always been.
JESSIE: *sniffle*
CAT: *sobs*
AOI: *wails*
SPIKE:
Bloody hell…
>
>The calm, and then the feeling that I was
falling. My life had just been put through the >woodchipper.
AOI:
*stops crying* Actually, it would be interesting to see what would happen if
Riley himself was put through a woodchipper.
JESSIE: *also stops* Oooh, neat.
It would rain guts.
CAT: *continues to wail*
SPIKE: JESSIE: *also stops*
Oooh, neat. It would rain guts.
CAT: *continues to wail*
SPIKE: You two
got over that quickly.
AOI: I have the attention span of a herring when I’m
drunk. Hey, lookit, my watch glows in the dark! *clicks watch button
repeatedly*
JESSIE: *sigh*
AOI: And there’s a shadow over there that looks
like Freakazoid! Wowee! *dashes off*
SPIKE: Remind me to never let her
anywhere near booze again.
AOI: *returns* What’d I
miss?
>Everything I'd ever believed in had been taken away from me in
just a day.
SPIKE: Just a day? I could’ve done it in three hours if
you’d asked me nicely.
>My work, my friends, my love. What was left
for me? I no longer knew where I belonged,
CAT: A
nunnery.
>where I as supposed to be on this earth,
JESSIE:
Tibet.
>and what I was supposed to do when I got there.
SPIKE:
Hunt Llamas while wearing a habit.
>For the first time in my life, I
didn't have someone telling me where to be, what to be, who to be. >It was
sort of nice. I could do whatever I wanted, now.
AOI: (as Riley) Finally
I can live out my dream of becoming the fifth Spice Girl!
>
>And
I would, even if it was without her. I knew it had to be. It was only a matter
of time, really. >Even if she doesn't go back to him, she'll wake up to the
fact that I'm not the one sooner or later. >I know her well enough to know
that she wouldn't be able to live in a loveless relationship
CAT: *cries
quietly again* Poor Riley… *wails loudly*
AOI: Wouldn’t have thought you
could live *in* anything but a house…
ALL: *groan*
JESSIE: You’re really
off your game today.
AOI: It’s the giddiness… Ooo, lookit, a butterfly! *runs
off again*
SPIKE: Actually, I could always imagine Slayer in a trailer.
Funny, that.
>forever. She'd break up with me eventually, and it would
hurt for both of us, but we'd be better >for it.
>
>I'll go on
without her, and I'll find my own purpose. Alone.
JESSIE: (as Riley) But
not without Mr Wuggles the teddybear…
CAT: *wails even
louder*
>Strange, how quickly things can change.
>THE END OF
THIS EL CRAPPO FIC.
>
>Copyright © EL CRAPPO 2000
SPIKE:
Wow, I’m sorry they copyrighted `El Crappo`, I was about to use that name for my
chocolate bar company.
AOI: *returning* It was just a moth. Tsch.
CAT:
*snif*
JESSIE: The indicator light thing is off, we can go… come on, I wanna
play with my Arcanine!
AOI: Yeah, we have a bad hosting segment to get back
to.
***All stand to leave. Aoi dashes off after seeing something shiny,
Spike follows her holding something heavy to hit her with. Jessie helps Cat out,
who’s still crying about Riley.***
Jessibelle picked up the ringing cell
phone with a smile. It was Giovanni, she knew that, and she could tell him what
a good job she did in getting rid of all of the Pokémon that were cluttering up
the place. And he’d be sure to thank her for getting rid of all of that nasty
alcohol that was in the funny locked trunk… fancy, she had to spend ages picking
that lock just for him.
At least the Persian grinned, perhaps Gio would be
getting back sooner than he had planned.
Baaah, the hosting parts
sucked so much… I couldn’t even be doing with writing an ending, I’m not in the
happiest of happy times right now. Life is doing the nasty thing right now.
Stuff’ll pick up soon, and I’ll be rambling about greyhounds with a smile on my
face again, unless I get no fic to MiSTie, which is where you lovely peeps come
in… as ever, send me any type of fic, Anime, cartoon, Buffy, Xena, whatever you
like. dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk, as ever.
Sh’later!
**************
"Angel loves pufft so when people speak to
her he gets all madd! "
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