And Now For Something Considerably Less Demented And A Lot More Insipid 2
Or, as it’s full name is, in the best style of Japanese films, “And Now For Something Considerably Less Demented And A Lot Less Insipid II (The Return Of The Guardian Of The Eternal Flame Owned By The Demonlord From The Ninth Plane Of The Hidden City Of The Lost Continent Of Atlantis).
You will notice this large name is a direct nudge-nudge to someone who recently described my previous fic thusly: “And that’s a FUCKING LONG TITLE”.
No, I’m not gonna let her forget. Why would I want to do that? Incidentally, to get you up to speed, you may wish to read my previous fic, ANFSCLDAALMI. Guess what THAT stands for.
Anyway, enough bull, there’s a ginger-haired superhero with a very annoyed and angry look on his face wishing to discuss his recent casting. Apparently, he was oddly expecting “some major love interest”. Gimp. However, as he’s quite an important character, I’ve gotta placate him, so be warned. Oh, and the fact that the letters read downwards from those last few sentences read “Aoi” is completely coincidental.
Yes indeed, much like Stubble, I’m suicidal. Before I deliberately contract a virulent strain of Foot In Mouth disease (oh, irony!), lets start! Or not, as the case may be.
Ah. Sorry about the comic site thing. Not my fault if I get given a fucked up server that processes every request to see the comic and multiplies it hundredfold.
“To the Houndmobile!”
Your author,
Alex “Deathwish” Loder
[Set the scene…Alex is slumped on a sofa, in front of the TV. Television. Not transvestite.]
TV: *channels being flipped* *krrshhh*…fact, Bob, the whales enjoy being hunted, and if… *krrshhh*…at? You are honestly saying, that if you had a…*krrshhh*…MONKEY…*krrshhh*… and now Mr Lodder will explain just WHERE the jokes ar…*krrshhh*…I am NOT a typo….*krrshhh*… oh Clint, I’m seeing your… *krrshhh*… MONKEY…*krrshhh*… and if you’ll let me finish, then… “NO, WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR TO MEN! HEIL, SISTERS!” A valid poi…*krrshhh*…iiiaaaaan, and the spaceeeee monk….*krrshhh*…HE MAKES UP IN DENIAL… *krrshhh*… *pop*, oh young ma….*zzyoop- the sound of electrical failure.*
ALEXS EVIL MOTHER: I’m going out now, *rant, rave*, WHY IS THIS HERE etc.
ALEX: *gives vague noise of recognition*
[She exits.]
ALEX: Hmm… no-ones in, and getting incredibly high scores on Crazy Taxi grows old…
[The world holds its breath…]
ALEX: Eh, I’ll do a fic.
[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]
[Cue trumpets! Yeah, you saw the last episode in which Alex died again, so for once there’s no difficulty in making a decent beginning! Um, actually…]
VOICEOVER: *conscious of the fact that for the past month these people have apparently been standing in the same place, whilst someone came in and dressed them, but still isn’t prepared for his ONE LINE* Ok, in 5, 4, 3, huh? Akk! Um, well, how will… um… they...um… get out of this… um… mess?
V.O.T.F: *to crowd* Well, go on! Shrink!
JAMES: Um, how the hell are we supposed to do that?
V.O.T.F: *remembering that the people he is talking to aren’t actually strange shimmering blue patches of air* Oh. Oh dear. Well, that scuppers that plan. Fuck it, leave him dead.
[Meanwhile…]
ALEX: *looking REALLY pale* Ok, now, ONCE was bad enough… but TWICE? And they aren’t even trying to revive me!
FIGURE: Indeed.
ALEX: So, what happens now, then? I dissolve into the formless background mess of the universe, or what?
FIGURE: Um, no. Actually, you’ll be
pleased to know that there IS an afterlife.
ALEX: Say what?
FIGURE: Yes. The thing is, you come back
as a corpse.
ALEX: Say WHAT?
[Blue lights. Weird noises. Cells dividing. Play Grandia II, and cast Resurrect. You’ll get the point.]
ANT: *using corpse as a footrest, sips his shandy. You’ll guess I don’t like them much* Well, at least things are a lot *quieter* around here.
VEGETA: *has used the rigor mortis to make the corpse hold a golf umbrella to create some shade* Yeah. D’ja wanna try to get back to the satellite, then? I mean, we’ve got HERE, where 10-year old trainers pimp their monsters, or the satellite, where Meowth tried to hitch aboard from a nearby space shuttle.
JESSE: Hmm… 10-year old pimp-daddies. Seems somehow familiar. Well, shouldn’t we bury him? *nods towards corpse*
SPIKE: Nah. Tell you what, we leave it in the police station on the chief’s chair! That always freaks them out.
[Suddenly, there is a rushing sound. Thousands upon thousands of little bastards (lit: Pokémon) charge past]
MEOWTH: Yeah! Da revolution has started!
ALL: Say what now? (Why have all of us been afflicted with the author’s manner of speech?)
MEOWTH: Da revolution! Da day when all da Pokémon of the world gang up and slaughter all the bastards who enslaved them!
JESSE: Hang on a minute, though… that means we *grabs James* are gonna be slaughtered!
MEOWTH: Nah, don’t warry. (not a typo!) You’re fine as long as you stick wid me! Which means that there’s gonna be a change of situation around here…
[As the unnerved crew sprint away from the charging hordes, Alex’s corpse begins to move. He reaches up and smacks away the hungry rattata, and looks around.]
ALEX: Gah, they’ve gone, as well!
[Flinging away the umbrella, he shuffles slowly off in the direction of the fleeing crew. Hey, you try controlling a body when all the electrical impulses needed to move are supplied by a small mobile phone battery.]
[Naturally, all the members of the fic, except Rob Zombie, are sprinting as fast as they can for the nearest computer terminal. Oh, and except Meowth, who is reclining on James’ head eating grapes. As opposed to lying on James’ grapes, eating he-]
CAT: Stop!
[Sorry.]
JESSE: *panting, to James* Hey, who actually OWNS Meowth?
JAMES: *likewise panting* Um… god knows. Probably Giovanni. And you know, that previous line could be taken slightly out of context… *trails off*.
JESSE: *glares*
JAMES: The frying pan?
JESSE: Well, I was thinking of the frying pan, but I have to run, so you get the fan.
JAMES: Yay!
[James loves the fan]
MATT PERRY: Huh-whupah! *is stoned*
[The Pokémon hordes swiftly overrun his body, and eat/urinate on/mate with the remains]
CAT: Ewwwwww. Man, you really know how to make it a vile story.
[Yes indeed]
CAT: And how to waste time, too. Whadda we do now?
[Oh. Um, I dunno. Hey, look! There’s an abandoned bio-research facility! Go there! It looks good.]
DEC: Why? I like it here…
[A large opera singer materialises next to him and begins to sing. Simultaneously, seventeen unshaven convicts march up and begin eyeing Dec. One of them begins to massage him.]
ANT: *grinning* Lets stay!
[He freezes as one of the convicts begin to eye him up]
ANT/DEC: RUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!
CAT: And we will now pause for a brief stint of homophobia.
[They sprint towards the abandoned bio-research facility and dive in. It is quiet inside. There are rats.]
SPIKE: Whew… lets split up.
VEGETA: No! Lets find a dark room to rest in!
ALL: Yeah!
[God. They wonder how one of their number got killed? Twice?]
ALEX: *gimping along* Yeah, yeah, gimp as in limp. Goddamm, where are they? Aha! An abandoned bio-research facility! They must be there!
[He slows down.]
ALEX: Hang on… why the hell do I wanna find them anyway?
[Good point. Dont’ja just HATE it whenever people blindly try to find the people they’ve known for about 5 minutes?]
ALEX: Hmm…well, I’ve had enough gimping around.
[Erm, hang on... you HAVE to find them.]
ALEX: Oh yeah, why? All I want is to be out of this fic, and seeing as I’m dead, what the hell can go wrong?
[BECAUSE, smart ass, if you bottle out of this one, I’ll write you in another fic, involving sour cream]
ALEX: Ugh, ok
[Heh... I really hate sour cream, and so does he. Cos he’s me. Or whatever. Look, sod this. Lets just warp him to the facility, ok?]
ALEX: Done and done!
[The group are sitting around a knackered old table, which they found in the shrubbery.]
VEGETA: You know, I think we should have tried to at least help Alex, seeing as the author had created a huge story in his head ready to use and then ditched the whole FUCKING LOT in order to make the corpse sub-thread…
CAT: Nah, but you see, that leaves it open for a special, Christmas edition. You know, Another World kind of thing.
[Grin grin…]
CAT: *continuing* You know, if he decides to make a website.
[Grin]
DEC: You have no shame.
SPIKE: Anyway, what’s the deal with this facility, then? I mean, it’s just like… *trails off*
ALL: *silence*
[Resident Evil….]
CAT: Oh, cheers…
[There is a sudden *CRASH*, and a muffled scream]
DEC: *screams* Agh! We’re all going to die!
VOICE: YOU’VE GOT THAT RIGHT!
ALL: *draws in breath sharply, causing a sudden drop of air pressure, resulting in the head explosion of several rats*
[A large, possibly dead figure looms in at the door. If you haven’t already guessed who it is, you must be a real gimp…]
ALL: *scream* Flee! Flee!
VOICE: No! Wait!
[Whooo… all the cast members have become separated, in an attempt to fashion a hilarious faux pas, whilst not having a fucking clue what to type next, as the fic spirals out of control]
DEC: *pants* Whew… ok, I’m in a deserted corridor, in a Pokémon world, where a shadowy figure is trying to kill me. Things could be worse.
[The floor creaks as he steps onto it.]
DEC: Agh! Phew… ok, if I keep to this corridor, then I’ll be ok. I’ll just crouch in this corner…
[Cracks begin to spread.]
DEC: Huh?
[Oh dear. The camera cuts to the large antechamber on the floor below. Forest temple, Zelda 64 ocarina of time, if you’re bothered.]
DEC: oohbuggernonononpleasearghaarghaaarghNOONONOBUGGERAARGH!
[He crashes to the floor, unconscious.]
NARRATOR: Meanwhile…
ANT: Ohh, bugger. A large crash, far off. I know, I’ll investigate! (Heh, and Jesse might be all unconscious and vulnerable…)
[Pervert. She’s 2D, and you know it. You can’t exactly slip it to her whilst she’s sleeping, you know. She has to… ah, sod it. I’m not getting into this.]
ANT: Heh.. that’s what *I* said…(ouch!)
[Gimp]
ANT: It’s only natural!
[No it isn’t. Anyway, he sets off down a corridor in the general direction of the crash. Suddenly, he notices a dark shape slip into the door at the end of the passageway.]
ANT: Hey! Hey, come back! Aw, c’mon! I can be useful! Don’t leave me!
[He gives chase. He dashes round the corner, and through the door. He really shouldn’t have.]
ANT: *eyes growing wide* AAAAAAAARGH!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile…
[Jesse and James are picking their way over a pile of rubble. James is kicking large chunks of stone out of the way, whilst Jesse reclines in a deckchair.]
JAMES: Jess, *pant* do you think... *pant* that you... *pant* could do a bit?
JESSE: *peering over sunglasses that she always seems to acquire every time she gets a deckchair, raising one eyebrow*
JAMES: *puff* I…I guess not... *pant*
[Eventually he makes a clear path through the stones. A door is behind them, like in all cave-ins. Despite the fact that the area above the door is one of the strongest points of the room.]
JESSE: Onwards!
[They amble through the door. Oh, what a surprise. They see something.]
JESSE: *emits girly scream. Can ya guess what’s gonna happen? Can ya? Can ya?*
JAMES: *emits girlier scream* My god! This joke has never been touched on at all!
[Indeed. Anyway, a *thing* grabs them and drags them into the room. No, it isn’t Ant.]
NARRATOR: Meanwhile…
[Suddenly, Spike makes a leap for the narrator box. The curtain is pulled back, and… my god, a blue haired girl looking remarkably similar to another certain blue haired known to some people is sitting boredly reciting “Meanwhile”, thumbing through a Ramna comic and laughing at Gemma. She looks annoyed.]
SPIKE: Hey, I know you! You’re…
[He is cut off as the girl rams he fist into his groin.]
GIRL: Shuddup, or I shall sue you and everyone you know. I’m Ioa.
SPIKE: *remembering that vampires can’t actually feel pain, and stops clutching his jewels* Ioa? Well, fair enough. *shakes head*
IOA: Yes. Do you have a problem with me being called Ioa? No? Good. Well, bye, I’ll see you later.
[She fades out of the screen. Faint yells of “What the HELL were you doing putting me in that fic?!” ring out from the other end of the Internet connection. Listen! Put your ears to the speakers!]
SPIKE: Blimey. Well, where to now?
[God knows, I’m ad-libbing all the script as it is. Make something up.]
SPIKE: Savvy? You’re the director! You write this!
[Yeah, yeah. Look, unlike the other two badly written fics, THIS badly written fic has no discernable point. I do not know what to write. Screw this; I’m off for some Lilt and M&M’s. Just muddle along.]
SPIKE: Hmm… Muddle along, you say?
SPIKE: Heh… no response. Right, hang on; lets see if I can commandeer his keyboard…
[gRweat! It wOrkss1]
SPIKE: Dammit, I’ve gotta work on my typing skills. Anyway…
[A laRgee Spcaeship comes donw and resues spik.]
SPIKE: *looking at the spaceship with joy* Yes! Oh yes!
[sum1 Cooms aNde removss thEEE chips in his headd]
SPIKE: *still dancing* Oh yes! This I like!
[Hey! What the hell’s going on here?]
SPIKE: Aw, shit!
[He runs away, fast.]
[Bastard. See how he likes this.]
SPIKE: *panting* Phew… he can’t find… me… here…
[He looks at the large gang of, yes, unshaven convicts with terror.]
CONVICT: Well, well, well. This can go two ways. The hard way, or the harder way. *he rubs his hands together*
SPIKE: No! NAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
[However, just before the convicts “pounce”, Spike is grabbed from behind and pulled up through a handy hole in the ceiling. No, stop laughing.]
VEGETA: *grinning* Well Spike, I didn’t know you leaned that way.
SPIKE: *shaking* Shuddup!
[Incidentally, no offence to any convicts reading, it’s just that they’re all horribly homosexual and should all be burnt. They eat their young, you know? They all live in cardboard boxes, you know? They come here, wanting to work hard in our country for less than minimum wage, and they expect SYMPATHY? No… hang on, I’ve got my prejudices all mixed up….]
VEGETA: Well, we don’t exactly have many options here… looks like we’re gonna have to go through that ordinary-looking-but-strangely-out-of-place door.
SPIKE: Oh, goodie. An ordinary-looking-but-strangely-out-of-place door. Wow. We aren’t gonna die, are we?
VEGETA: C’mon.
[He drags Spike up to his feet, and they amble through the door. My god! To think that something bad would happen now! That would be completely unexpected!]
VEGETA/SPIKE: *screaming* AAAAAIIIAAAAAAAAIIIAAAAAAARGH!
[Yeah, that’s the sound a couple of fantastically scared fic characters make when they see something very nasty indeed. The “IIII”’s represent their incredible terror, plus the fact that it has just slammed a tentacle somewhere nasty. For picking-up purposes.]
IOA: *from a distance: the sound of someone’s head being slammed in a fridge is heard* Meanwhile…
CAT: *thinking aloud* Damn. I’m the sensible one… thus, I will be executed. This is not good.
[Maybe, maybe not.]
CAT: Well, I can’t die, anyway. We’ve had the mandatory split up, and if someone dies then they just get resurrected by that stupid neon blue thing. So, there’s nothing to worry about.
[A deafening roar echoes throughout the abandoned bio-research facility.]
CAT: Could we please have a *smidgen* of originality here?
[Shut it.]
CAT: *sighs* OK, through this innocuous-looking door I do go…
[*Yawn* She goes through the door, a scream is yadda yadda yadda.]
IOA: *sounds of chainsaw* Meanwhile…
[Your favourite corpse is lurching down a corridor. Actually, there isn’t anything wrong with his legs per se, I tend to lurch anyway.]
ALEX: “Star in this fic, Alex.” “It’s good, Alex” “Really, you’re great for the part”…
*mutters incomprehensibly*
[Yeah, yeah. Who else am I going to have as a scapegoat figure?]
ALEX: *grumbles* Yeah, right. Anyway, what now? I’m sick of this, I’m going to find a lot of vegetables and make a still.
[Huh? But… you can’t! This entire world is 2D whenever someone who SHOULD be 2D is around. You’d go insane!]
ALEX: Try me. When you have a Bagpuss phobia, life holds no boundaries.
[IT DOESN’T EXIST!]
ALEX: Well, yeah, but it keeps my *two* readers amused.
[Right, screw this…]
ALEX: You can’t make me carry on, so there.
[Suddenly, a large cluster of Geri Halliwells round the corner, in mopeds. They are singing. Oh dear.]
ALEX: Huh? No! No way! *shuffles off at an alarming speed *
[Aaargh! My earplugs should have kept me safe, but seeing as SOMEONE urged me to put one in the Unholy Mixture at Pizza Hut, and I’ve lost two, I’ve only got 1 left! Curses! I should have stuck to finding out why the ice “tastes funny”. I still think that they put cocaine in it, you know.]
ALEX: *panting, remembering why he doesn’t need to* Agh… a door! Yay! What could possibly happen?
[Look at it this way. You can get something so terrible that you couldn’t dream of it behind that door, or twenty seven things that are EXACTLY as terrible as you could possibly dream of, riding mopeds and singing “Scream if you want me to top myself”.]
ALEX: *makes decision* The door!
[Christ, you know what happens now. “Scream, argh.”]
IOA: *sound of car reversing, bumping, then accelerating, bumping… etc.* Meanwhile…
[Finally! This god awful little subplot is over! Ahem.]
IOA: Gerron with it, I need more lines in which to mutilate.
[Um… yeah, right. Anyway, the intrepid crew have stumbled into a huge experimental weapon blast chamber. There is a large thing in the blast chamber itself.]
ANT: Oh, great. Don’t tell me. We have to press 3 buttons, then fall in a lift into a huge radioactive pit. Then we press the big button and the huge monster, who is conveniently in the barrel of the weapon, and who hunts by sound, dies. Yay.
[Actually, no.]
DEC: Really?
[Well, no. That fuck-off huge monster there?]
DEC: *bored* Yeah?
[Well… it’s staring at you.]
ALL: *turning slowly to gaze at the monstrosity*
[They actually shouldn’t have. The thing is ENORMOUS. Tentacles with huge gaping mouths on the end writhe, as the huge (60-70 metres tall) octopus like body attempts to convince everyone that it shouldn’t collapse in on itself like a whale. This thing, whose name I have forgotten, doesn’t eat people.]
ALL: *sigh of relief*
[It drinks them. Those tentacles latch on, and suck you dry. Oh, and you dissolve, although I never understood that part of the movie.]
ALL: Movie?*realising what he just said* DRINK?
[Deep Rising. Pretty damn cool. “Now what”?]
MONSTER: Oi! I’ve got a schedule here!
[Sorry?]
MONSTER: You hired me, cause you were too cheap to pay for SFX, remember?
[Oh, aha, aye, I did.]
ALL: Whoa, whoa! Wait just a minute! Being paid to act terrified at CGI graphics is one thing, but THIS dude’s real! *rings agents*
MONSTER: Look, just get a fucking move on, will you? I’m bored and I have three more movies today.
[Yeah, ok, sorry.]
MONSTER: Thanks. *picks up James and holds
him near his eye*
JAMES: *screaming* Aiiiiiiagh! Aiiiiiiiaargh!
JESSE: Nooo! *grabbing harpoon gun* You evil monstrosity! Lay off him!
[She fires the harpoon gun at the monster’s eye. She misses.]
JESSE: Ulp. Oh dear.
ALEX: *staring at the 4-foot harpoon protruding from his leg* Hmm. Before my death, I would have been very, very angry.
JESSE: *yelling across the pit to him* And now?
ALEX: *attempting to remove harpoon* I’m FUCKING FURIOUS! I’M DEAD! I CAN’T HEAL MYSELF OVER TIME!
JESSE: *silently giggling* Eh…sorry?
ALEX: *accidentally ripping off all of his leg below the knee* Shit! Goddamn! How I’ve gotta find a new leg!
MONSTER: *nonchalantly waving James around.* Roar. AAArgh. Yell. I’m dead evil, me.
[Oh no, James is doomed. Pity. Nothing can save him now.]
MONSTER: *preparing to eat James* Oh yeah, nothing can save you now. *pause* No, nothing.
[Yes, NOTHING AT ALL]
VEGETA: *flinging some grenades that just so happened to be by a large crate of explosives. Half life again. Handy, that.* Nothing! *boom* But die anyway, foul fiend!
[Suddenly… Jesus Christ, where is he?]
MONSTER: *mobile phone rings* Uh huh? WHAT?
[Oh damn.]
MONSTER: Your check BOUNCED. I’m outta here. And taking him for lunch, as payment.
[Shit! Come back here, you bastard!]
MONSTER: Nope, I’m a free agent. You have no control over me now!
[Hey, you jut wai… finally! Long time no see, you moron!]
CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: *shaking off the rubble of the wall* Aha! ‘Tis I, Captain Greyhound!
[He may be slightly OTT, but he’s the only superhero I could get.]
IOA: *listening, then perking up* Huh? *to the badly beaten AUTHOR* Write me back in, NOW!
SPIKE: Oh, great, it’s greyhound man again. Hey, who’s that with you?
OBVIOUS SIDEKICK: Jiminy jillikers, I’m Whippet Boy!
ALL: *groan horribly* What next?
JAMES: *screaming* Can this wait? I’m gonna be eaten!
C.G: Oh, yeah, sure. Hang on! *he proceeds to have seven shades of shit kicked out of him by the monster*
MONSTER: Look, just sod off, ok? Don’t make me angry.
WHIPPET BOY: By St Patrick’s helmet! *not obscene*. I’ll have to do it!
[Pow! Whap! Huh-whupah! Bazzoookkkaliii!]
MONSTER: *to prone Whippet Boy* Didn’t I just warn you?
[Ah. Oh dear. This was NOT supposed to happen. Incidentally, who should Whippet Boy be?]
CAT:*shrugging* Dunno. Maybe THE READERS COULD SEND YOU IDEAS?
[Yes. That would be a good idea. They shall do that.]
ANT: We’re doomed! Doomed, I say!
[Maybe. Oh look, another implausible character has just appeared, thus securing my position in Vallaha sooner than I’d like.]
CATSUITED GIRL WITH A TINY MASK HIDING HER IDENTITY FROM ANYONE WHO HAD SEEN HER MANY, MANY TIMES BEFORE: *somersaulting in* Hai! Die, large mollusc like creature!
[Large amounts of psychic energy summoned from the Kyotoain temple of… oh sod it, she uses the power of a certain large, pink, scary cat to beat the hell out of the disgruntled monster]
C.G: *attempting to make his costume look cooler* Wow, that was… amazing!
CATSUITED GIRL WITH MASK: *tossing blue hair over her shoulder. My god, I’m going to be slaughtered.* Eh, it was nothing. You must be the dashing Captain Greyhound!
WHIPPET BOY: And me, Whippet Boy! *he is ignored*
C.G: *attempting to stop his bizarre standard-issue lycra shorts from becoming an Action-Man sized tent* Um, yeah, that’s me. And you?
GIRL: *looking very, very angry at the writer* Cat Woman. Don’t laugh.
C.G: Wouldn’t dream of it.
[“I hereby bequeath my estate and all of its contents to…”]
VEGETA: *nudging Dec* Hey, lets get out of here! They’ve made an exit hole!
DEC: *nudging Ant* Hey, lets get a round of beer! They’ll make an exit hole!
ANT: *nudging Spike* Hey, do you hear? They’ll make up an exit hole!
SPIKE: *nudging James* Hey, queer! I’ll take you up the exit hole!
[This word game continues for some time. Then, Jesse realises what the original message was. They exit, and leave The Captain and Large Pink Scary Cat Woman to their “introductions”]
[Oh, they appear to have missed someone. Heh heh heh… Alex is hopping along the edge of the room, hoping to avoid the attention of the now-at-floor-level superheroes. Nothing personal, just that superheroes tend to react in a ballistic fashion to the undead, a state which I’m sure you’re all very familiar with.]
ALEX: *hopping frenziedly, very pissed off* muttermuttermutter fucking evil bastards muttermuttermutter
[Finally approaching the large rent in the solid steel walls, he ambles out into the sunshine, and finally realises that the 2D world appears to be slowly but surely turned solid. 3D. Blocky.]
ALEX: Huh? 3D? What the… aww, god, now I can see the leg wound…..
[Not very pretty, is it?]
ALEX: I’ll say.
[A large group of people are looking at Alex with interest.]
ALEX: G’won, bugger off. Hey, hold on, how come they can actually seem interested? Most 2D characters need to SAY that. Or have eyebrows appear.
[The large group of people in front of him are, in fact, 3D. And seeing as I have difficulty differentiating between 2-and-3D, this wasn’t vastly hard to disguise. Yes, when you spend a lot of time 8 inches from a pc screen churning out fics, then you too will see. Or not, actually.]
LEAD PERSON, WHO IS FEMALE AS TO PREVENT FEMINISTS ATTACKING MY FIC, BUT WHO IS UNFORTUNATELY NOT A NECROPHILIAC: Hi!
ALEX: All that name for that little line? Hi. Bye.
LEAD PERSON, WHO IS… BUGGER THIS: *drawing large, menacing pistol, and glaring* I *said*, HI.
ALEX: *not worried. He is dead.* Yes, I know. Bye. I’m off to find a new leg.
SOME GIMP OR ANOTHER: Right, screw this, bag ‘im!
[And “bag ‘im” they do. They jam a sleeping bag over his head and tie it up. Of course, these people are all *mysterious* and *slick* and *require adjectives with *’s round them*.]
[Shit, 15 pages. I’m losing my will to live. Agh, now what? I know! Interactivity! Later, though. Firstly, we see the gang avoiding the attentions of malicious Pokémon.]
ANT: *dodging a ballistic Doduo* Aargh! Can’t we get out of here?
CAT: *sheltering behind Vegeta, whom the Pokémon are staying away from* From where? He didn’t bother writing a description of the place that we’re in!
[Sorry. A large, woody glade. Trees everywhere. HANDY LOOKING ROAD.]
JAMES: To the road! Damn this auto-correct! I just spent 30 minutes watching the author attempt to type JAMES and get frustrated when it went to James!
SPIKE: Moron.
[They make their way to the road. Hey, it’s a large group of people! They’re carrying a sleeping bag! It’s moving!]
VEGETA: Finally! Some people… who are… 3D? Whuh?
JESSE: Hey! Meowth! Wake up! Your last line was 13 pages back! Where are you?
[They see a note pinned to James’s skull. This sucker can withstand an Onix to the head, so a small pin is no problem.]
JAMES: Aww! Oww! Get it off! It hurrrrrrrts!
CAT: *in annoyed fashion* Stop whining. Lets see what it says…
[“Dear Crew. I’ve….”]
JESSE: *staring in anger* He’s what? Gone off? Where?!
[Cut to Meowth]
FEMALE CATS: Mrrrrrowwwwwl.
[AAAAAAAARGH!]
ALL: AAAAARGH!
AUTHOR: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
READERS: AAAAAAARGH! We get the point! Enough already!
[Damn you, Grandia 2. You have forced me to adopt bizarre mannerisms of speech like “enough already”, “dammit”, and “say what?”!]
ALL: Please! No more! Let us die now! Please!
[Yeah, ok, hold on… shit, the switches are fused! We’re stuck with this for a few minutes… hold on]
ALL: Huh? We’ve been shouting that for the past hour. The cats are light relief by comparison.
[Right…. Aha! No more cats!]
ALL: Right. Hurrah. Enough bullshit.
[The group of people have noticed the group and are watching them curiously. Like *you* would, if they were screaming at cats going at it like particularly sharp and barbed knifes.]
DEC: OK, I’ve got a plan. We surrender, unconditionally. Next, I will draw a pair of breasts on a Perspex screen and stand behind it to cause much hilarity.
ANT: Nah, we’ve seen that far too much. Lets just run away.
SPIKE: Yeah, we could…
JESSE: Are you mad? We could find out just what the hell is going on here! I say we greet them.
VEGETA: Yeah. We could always beat the shit out of them if they annoy us.
[Um, no you couldn’t. There are twenty three of them.]
VEGETA: Glory!
[Yeesh. Anyway, it appears to be an even split, so guess what? YOU get to choose! So, after I figure out the bookmark controls… how does Microsoft word make it more complicated than HTML?]
ALL: Gerron with it!
[OK, ok….]