JAMES: It’s quite simple. We find Giovanni, and get him to send us back to our satellite! I’m missing Tenchi as we speak!
[The crew stand around, dumbfounded.]
JAMES: What? It’ll work!
[The crew examine the plan for a decent point to be made. They cannot find one. Much to their chagrin, they’re gonna have to go along with this.]
VEGETA: *worried* Would this be the evil, cat-stroking, emu-keeping leader of Team Rocket we’re talking about?
JESSE: Yep. And there’s only one way to get an audience with him. Either be a prostitute, or catch a rare ‘mon for him.
SPIKE: *nonplussed* I thought you said that there’s only one way in.
JESSE: Well, one plan on it’s own won’t work…
[The group divide up in two. Jesse, James, and their new ‘mon, GeordieMon, nervously wait near the front gate, whilst Kat and her vampire-and-Saiyan pimps go with her round the back entrance. Be prepared for cameos!]
JAMES: And you really think that this’ll work?
JESSE: Oh no, not a chance. But whilst we distract the secretaries with these loudmouth Geordies, “Kat”, “William The Spiky” and “Big Hair” can get to Giovanni.
JAMES: *whispering* Think they’ve twigged yet?
JESSE: Nah. Ant’s currently wrapped round my little finger, so he’s ok. But Dec…
JAMES: *glancing fearfully behind him at Dec’s stare* Um..
JESSE: Well, looks like Dec’s taken care of, too. Anyway, look up, here’s the secretary!
[A surprisingly normal secretary ambles over to the group. Ant and Dec frenziedly get into their costume. And what a costume.]
SECRETARY: *looking slightly mussed* Ah, and this must be Jesse and James… *brittle fake smile*. And your new monster. Wow. Look at it go. Where on earth did you find this, um, creature? *begins to file nails*
JESSE: Well, we were out in, um, Viridian forest, and, um, found it. It was lying there.
JAMES: *hurriedly* In an aggressive fashion! Yes, it’s really aggressive and good for fighting and robbing banks and stuff. Can we see the boss now?
SECRETARY: *drolly* And this passive-aggressive creature, what can it do? *frowning* And where the hell is Giovanni’s Meowth? You know, the one we spent ages training to speak.
JAMES: Um… aha, I know! He’s, um, out! At the pub?
SECRETARY: *sitting down at desk and nibbling pen, looking over glasses* Which one, exactly? *begins to type*
JAMES: The White Mare!
JESSE: The Red Lion!
SECRETARY: *stops chewing pen* So… the Redwhite Marelion?
JESSE: Um.. yeah, that’s the one. Ah! We mean the.. um, Pink Sealion! That’s it.
SECRETARY: *looking over tops of glasses* The Pink… Sealion? Right… *types in some stuff* Ah. That’s the one in… *Paris*?
JESSE/JAMES: Ulp.
[Meanwhile, in the depths of the costume…]
ANT: *whispering* Dec! Dec, you pillock!
DEC: Hmm? Oh, yeah, what?
ANT: *hitting self* Why did I let you go in the rear end… look, Jesse and James are in deep shit, they’ve buggered the lies up, and the secretary’s smelling a rat! *to self* Plus she looks familiar.
DEC: So? We can’t do anything! We’re in a small Bolivian hippo costume!
ANT: James is in trouble.
DEC: Quick! Follow my lead!
[Phew. I was worried that the story was getting too serious.]
ANT: Wow, that perked him up a bit.
[Suddenly, Dec leaps off to his right. Ant tries to follow suite, but as he’s a bit of a cretin…]
SECRETARY: So, what can this “hippomon” do, exactly?
JESSE: *flustered* Well, um, it can, um, swim. And do hippo-y things. And it ca- what the hell is going on here? That hippo is chasing its tail!
ANT/DEC: Gwoooooot!
JAMES: Hippos sound like that?
JESSE: Nah, they’ve just never heard one before.
[The “hippo” spins around aimlessly. The clueless Geordie comedy act, who apparently go out separately and buy the same shirts by accident, hit a desk. Paperwork, and compromising photos of the secretary and Giovanni, fly everywhere.]
SECRETARY: *shouting* Stop that thing! Shoot it! Fuck, Giovanni is going to *kill* me! Gah!
[Ant and Dec spin around in circles for a while. Surrounded by besuited Rocket Executives, they roar “Gwooot!” for a bit, until Ant sees that Jesse and James are safely through to Giovanni’s waiting room. Then… things get nasty.]
EXECUTIVE: Damn hippo! Right! Get the bastard with all you have!
ANT/DEC: Uh oh!
[A large squad of rockets, camp uniforms and all, round a nearby handily placed corner. Luckily, being stereotyped, all they have are a few snakes and a cat. Still, enough to worry the Geordiemon.]
ROCKETS: Go! Snakes and cat!
“GEORDIEMON”: Oh shit… quick! Fight!
[Suddenly, two massive bars of green metal appear, suspended above the two SMTV presenters and the snakes they shall fight!]
ROCKET GANG: Aha! The hippo shall stand and fight! Much honour will be had! Hai etc.
“GEORDIEMON”: No we won’t! We’re doing an Entei as fast as possible!
SPIKE: *sticking head round corner* Heh…
CAT: *appearing from round corner* Enough! Bad Spike! *bludgeons him with a frying pan* You KNOW they mean the legendary dog that keeps running away!
[Meanwhile…]
“GEORDIEMON”: Fuck… um, body slam?
[Much to their surprise, as soon as Ant says this, the two gimps-in-a-costume fly up into the air and slam down on an Ekans! One down…]
“GEORDIEMON”: Jesus! Ant, did you do that? Lessee… Hyper Bea-
“GEORDIEMON”’S FRONT END: No, you pillock! That’ll destroy the building!
“GEORDIEMON”’S REAR END: Um.. “Hyper Beans!”
GFE: What?
GRE: It’s the best I could do!
[It’s working, though. A huge shipload of (sigh) beans (oh, the humour) crashes down onto another Ekans! Two down…]
EXECUTIVE: *combing back spiky hair* Aargh! My snake! You crushed my snake!
SPIKE: Heh he- *he spots Cat* What? Wh- *sound of gunfire*
EXECUTIVE: Damn you! Go, um, I know! Go rocket suicide squad!
[Huh?]
ANT/DEC: Shit!
ROCKET SUICIDE SQUAD: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re ready to lay down out lives! We’re here…”
[H’oh, boy. A large squad of dodgily attired rockets have just arrived… the blokes in frocks and the women in builders uniforms. Surprisingly, this is not completely disconcerting.]
R.S.S: We shall kill! Glory! Kamikaze etc.
ANT/DEC: *Shit!*
[The squad arm their dynamite fuses. They advance…]
ANT: Bugger… ok, Stun Spore!
SECRETARY: *retrieving photos from the floor* What? What kind of hippo uses a grass move?
DEC: Whadda you care, honey girl?
SECRETARY: *blushing* Argh! Kill them!
R.S.S: You got it, boss! Forwards!
SECRETARY: Hah, take this, hippo boy!
[She rips open her jacke-]
SPIKE: Heh, heh, heh… Damn! No! Stay awa- *sound of chainsaw in full flow*
[and pulls out a really rather large firearm. Luckily, it’s not a bog standard pistol, but is instead a quite ridiculously large and accurate assault rifle. Hence, by The Law Of James Bond, she won’t be able to hit a thing.]
SECRETARY: Damn! Looks like I’m going to have to fall back on the good old fashioned Mobile Suit Guyver!
ANT/DEC: WHAT?
[Meanwhile…]
CAT: Dammit, how long do we have to wait here?
[Cat, dressed in a feather boa and a very short skirt, is ensuring that I get at least some people to read this. She, along with William The Spiky in his blue, tiger skin trousers and matching top, and Big Hair Dude, with a massive black Wil Overton (old Super Play joke, there), are waiting outside the seedy back entrance to Giovanni’s office. Apparently, the secretary is involved in some kind of situation, so Gio is sorting out his bitchin’ himself. However, Cat and co. have competition…]
PIMP: Yo bitch, get in da car yo.
[And seeing as I don’t know many Harlem pimps, I dunno how they speak. Not like this, though.]
“BITCH”: Jynx! Jynx!
VEGETA: Aargh! Not him.. that’s the guy we saw when we first arrived here!*
[* See “And Now For Something Considerably Less Demented And A Lot More Insipid”]
PIMP: Ah. Da man sees that you come back for more fun an’ games, yo? You talk to Matt, he set you up.
SPIKE: *aside, to Vegeta* Hey… Matt The Pimp? Where does that come from?
MATT THE PIMP: Oh, you heard dat son’ with me in it, yo? (Honestly, why must I talk in this farcicaly fashion? Oh, very well…) *looking pleased* Dat got me loads more, ah, “business” wit’ Kat here.
“KAT”: Jynx! *glares*
CAT: Yeah? Well, wh-
VEGETA: *acting fast* Shuddit, bitch! *slaps Cat* You talk when screamed to, ok? You goddit?
CAT: *twigging* Oh, yeah, soz…
[I really do apologise for this bad, *bad* impression. Um, but the actors don’t know many pimps, either, so it’s actually really good! Yeah!]
GIOVANNI’S “SPECIAL” SECRETARY: *popping head round door* H-
SPIKE: Heh heh heh…
GSS: Shut up! *clang*
SPIKE: *clutches head* Owwwww, *stagger*, oh god…
GSS: -ello. Now, which of you lucky, lucky ladies is gonna go nex- um, go see Giovanni?
MATT/SPIKE AND VEGETA: She is! *points to respective bitches, as it were*
GSS: Hmm… a *JYNX*? Where the hell did you find one willing to do this for a living?
MATT THE PIMP: Willing?
GSS: … OK then, and you, girl. Think you can handle Gio?
CAT: *sighing* You betcha!
GSS: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. Only one way to solve this… bitch fight!
[Heh… this should be good. Hey, wait a minute!]
CAT: *standing over the body of the Jynx* Well, that was easy.
[She don’t pull punches.]
MATT: *enraged* You bitchin bitchy bitch! Yo, Kat, talk to me! Say my name! Geddup!
VEGETA: *smoothly* Well, my bitch beats his. Lemme in, we got business or what?
CAT: *quietly to Spike* You call me “bitch” after this scene and I will hurt you quite badly.
SPIKE: *stiff with fear, or is it… apprehension?* Ekk, ok.
CAT: *quietly to author* I can assure you that it is *not* apprehension.
[Ekk, ok]
CAT: *quietly* Good.
[Bitch. No! Naaaaaaaaaaargh! *sound of gunfire again*]
[Meanwhile…]
SECRETARY: Hah! In this, no hippo can stop me!
“GEORDIEMON”: Oh, bugger!
[And now, the famous rallying cry of the SMTV presenters rings out throughout the rocket HQ]
“GEORDIEMON”: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
SECRETARY: *now in her mobile suit* Not likely, you water-dwelling bastard! Perhaps you’ll let THIS crawl inside your mouth and pick off the bits of food left behind.
SECOND IN COMMAND: *whispering* Um, that’s “Alligators”, boss.
SECRETARY: I don’t care! Fire arm batteries! *a Duracell pops out* Oh, ha ha.
[A cascade of missiles launch from the arm of the suit.]
MISSILES: Blip… blip… blip… bl- *their tracking sensors lock on* blipblipblipblipBLEEEEEEEEEEEP.
“GEORDIEMON”: *stares* AAAAAAAARGH!
[They watch in amazement as the missiles miss them by miles and home in on the side of the Special Ops building in the Rocket compound…]
HORDE OF “SPECIAL OPS”: *pouring out of rent in wall* Bastards! That was our home!
SECRETARY: D-damn! Recalibrate the missile paths, and SPIT THAT GUM OUT.
[Unfortunately, the miscreant in question thought she said “Kick that gun out”. He does so. Unfortunately, miniaturised Vulcan Cannons tend to react… vehemently to knocks, bashes and light gusts of wind.]
SECRETARY: Oh. Oh dear.
[A spray of explosive slugs peppers the suit. This doesn’t do much, except sever some movement cables. This ensures that the suit, instead of stepping on the hippo like any normal thing would, has to fire off enormous quantities of ammunition in order to break some alliances.]
“SPECIAL OPERATIVES”: Right. That does it! Charge!
[The horde of special ops charge. They do so violently, as at their head is a Rhydon.]
SECRETARY: Damn! They’ve escaped! Suicide squad! Go!
R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re qu-“
SECRETARY: Shut up!
SPECIAL OPS: What, you thought that Meowth was the only talking ‘mon? Imbecile.
[All hell breaks loose. It is quickly sent whimpering back to its room as the fight breaks out. Almost… James Bond style. I watched Goldeneye again recently, so I’m feeling the need for plenty of pyrotechnics]
HORDE OF “OPS”: Die! *fires off numerous attacks*
R.S.S: Die! *fires off numerous missiles from those lil’ bazookas they have in almost every episode of PokéScum.*
ANT: Quick! Through here!
[Ant and Dec dive into a nearby doorway. They come out minutes later, wiping their mouths and avoiding each others gaze. Then they run through into Giovanni’s antechamber, discarding the hippo suit as they go.]
SECRETARY: Moderati, fix those cables! Arm gunners! What the hell are you doing in this suit? You have your own!
GUNNERS: *chorus* We’re sor-ry.
SECRETARY: Then make yourselves useful! Fire at those creatures down there! Napalm! Vulcans! Cannons! Missiles! Cutlery!
[The fic stops for a while as the secretary momentarily lose her mind. It is soon back.]
“OP’S”: Hah! You can’t kill us! We only get knocked out, no matter what evil thing you use on us! Unless a normally harmless move is used on us, in which case we spend aaaaagggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeess in a centre recovering!
SECRETARY: Well, we’ll see about that!
[A full squad of marin- wait a second, that’s not right.]
SQUAD: Xenomorphs! Right in front of us!
[A large bus of RUGBY PLAYERS turns up for a fight.]
RUGBY PLAYERS: Hah! We’re stereotyped!
[Pandemonium ensures. The curtain draws over this scene of utter destruction, and shifts to this scene of utter tedium.]
SECRETARY: DEPLOY ALL UNITS! Protect the ore! Wait a minut-
[Cue ambient music. The group meet up inside the antechamber.]
CAT: Wait a minute… we went round the back! How the hell did we get into an antechamber?
[The prostitute group were sent into the antechamber to wait by Giovanni’s Special Secretary. Happy?]
CAT: Sure.
[The group, despite having had some of their number involved in the biggest battle in the history of (my) fics, sit uncomfortably in their seats. The clock ticks really, really loudly.]
VEGETA: So… *uncomfortable* Read anything good lately?
SPIKE: Oh, yeah.
VEGETA: Ah.
SPIKE: *searching brain for conversation ideas* Have you seen any good movies lately?
CAT: Yes, actually.
DEC: Yeah, we did.
ANT: Indeed.
[They sit in silence for a while. It’s like this in waiting rooms around the world, everywhere. When you next go somewhere to wait, talk to people. *Please*.]
JESSE: London *needs* biscuits.
[Shut up.]
G.S.S: OK, you lot can go in to see Giovanni, now. Get going! *adjusts skirt*
ANT: Hey, just one question before we go in?
G.S.S: Yeah, fire away.
ANT: They allow cross-dressing in the office?
[Giovanni sits in his office, at his desk. He strokes the large cat next to him absently, whilst leafing through some paperwork]
GIOVANNI: Hmm…. All this gym running is running up a huge bill. Damn thing. Bryan?
G.S.S: Yes, sir?
GIOVANNI: Destroy the gym. Utterly.
G.S.S: But sir… that means that Ash Ketchum can’t get 8 badges, meaning that Nintendo’s franchise will be worth nothing, Nintendo will go bust and merge with Sony, and make “Crash Bandicoot 7- Slideshow!”, and YOU will cease to exist.
GIOVANNI: Ah. As always, Bryan, you’re correct. Close the gym indefinitely, then.
G.S.S: Yes, sir… YOU ‘ORRIBLE LOT YES YOU THERE GET CHORE WORTHLESS HIDES OVER HERE RIGHT NOW YOU WORTHLESS LUMPS OF SPETUM!
[Two rockets come running in. They collide with a lampshade.]
ROCKET #1: Sir! Yes sir!
ROCKET #2: Yes sir! Sir! Sir sir sir!
G.S.S: Ma’am. *adjusts miniskirt*
GIOVANNI: *blinks slowly* These, are the best you could find?
G.S.S: *checking clipboard* Um, yeah. All our decent operatives are currently involved in… *listens to walkie-talkie* “a horrific battle to the death with a load of out-of-context enemies”…
GIOVANNI: *steepling fingers* Right. Well, they’ll have to do. OK.. your assignment is this: take a G-Wing each and fly to Viridian C-
ROCKET #1: A G-Wing? Cool, I love Indiana Jones, me!
GIOVANNI: *slaps* Shut up. Then, meet our operative there.
ROCKET #2: Him? If I had his taste in women, I’d probably kill myself… *stares lovingly at ROCKET #1*
GIOVANNI: Shut up, dammit! *slaps again*
Meet him, and tell him “It’s Time To Destroy Her With the Ass”… he’ll know what
you mean. OK?
ROCKETS: Sir! Yes sir!
[Rockets codename “Arian” and “Hedgehog” exit the building.]
GIOVANNI: Right… what next?
G.S.S: *winking* I think you know that, sir…
[Suddenly, the door bursts open. The two Rockets are flung through, and repeatedly stamped on by… some kind of small robot girl…]
ROBOT: Sir! Unit Tio-3244 reporting for duty! Sir sir!
GIOVANNI: *annoyed* Go away, you want Sega Studios! Next door! *pushes G.S.S of his lap*
“TIO”: Sorry. *steps on the two rockets*
G.S.S: *coyly* Where were we?
[The door bursts open again. The crew of the SoL surge in!]
AUDIENCE: Yay! *claps*
GIOVANNI: Busted!
G.S.S: You again! Go away, dammit!
SPIKE: No way, ladyboy!
G.S.S: *eyes narrow* That was your LAST mistake…
[S/he rushes at Spike. En route, she morphs into summat. A… she morphs into a lobster?]
G.S.S: No! A “horror from party beach!”
VEGETA: Christ, now I’ve seen everything… *steps on lobster*
G.S.S: Argh! *grows more exoskeleton* You cannot kill me! I’m a crustacean!
SPIKE: Look, babe, (wow, in-character-speech!), you’re a midget lobster. You can’t even move quickly!
G.S.S: Really? *leaps upon Spike’s face, and begins to burrow…*
SPIKE: *screams* Get it off! Get it off!
ALTERNATE SPIKE: Heh heh…
[Vegeta doesn’t take this well.]
VEGETA: Graaaaah! Damn you, lobster!
[He super-saiyans.]
DEC: Look at that healthy Ready-Brek glow! *giggles inanely*
VEGETA: Get OFF him! *grabs lobster, flings it out the window*
GIOVANNI: *crying out* Bryan! No!
SPIKE: It was unnatural, anyway! *avoids Vegeta’s look*
[Giovanni runs to the window. The lobster is clinging to some ivy on the windowsill]
GIOVANNI: Bryan! *drags lobster back in*
CAT: Hey! You! We want something from you!
GIOVANNI: *turns, angry* You what? *scowls* Get out, now! Before I call security!
ANT: Security? What, him?
GIOVANNI: HER, actually. No, something much more fiencish and devianted, something-
ANT: No, look, it’s plainly a man. He’s got a small moustache!
GIOVANNI: No she hasn’t.
ANT: Yes, she has! What’s WRONG with you?
GIOVANNI: Look! SHE IS A SHE! What’s wrong with YOU?
ANT: *sighs* Never mind. You were saying?
VEGETA: No, I was “Saiyan”!
[The entire world groans at the sheer ineptitude of Vegeta’s humour.]
GIOVANNI: Indeed. Get out, or I’ll call the REAL security.
VEGETA: Just try it.
[Giovanni presses a button. A massive satellite dish extends from the roof of the building. No one can see this, it just looks cool to read. A low warbling is heard from it.]
DEC: No! Not the sound of the songthrush!
JAMES: *doesn’t giggle, as he isn’t there*
ANT: Huh? Where’re the rockets?
JESSE: Right *here*, Ant…
[Jesse and James stand in the doorway, flanked by exactly 27 guards. Remember this, it is important.]
JAMES: No it isn’t.
[Um, yeah, you’re right. It isn’t important. The fact that the guards are very heavily armed, however, is.]
SPIKE: Hey! What the hell is going on?
JESSE: *tittering* You didn’t think we’d turn on our own boss, didja?
JAMES: Yeah, we’re not stupid!
ANT: How could you do this to me, Jesse? I *lo-
GIOVANNI: Hah! Seize them!
[Hmm…. Somehow I doubt Jesse and James are REALLY traitors…, well, looks like YOU decide again! :D]
JESSE: Are we friends?
JAMES: Or enemies?