[Oh, sorry about the angle brackets… and the sheer unadulterated vileness.]

 

 JESSE: Mwa ha! We’re evil, you cretins! Watch as I shoot this poor little rabbit in the head with a shotgun! *blam*

 

BRYAN: Fluffkins! No!

 

JAMES: Yeah! Watch me do it, too! *blam*

 

CAT: No! Don’t! They have a righ- *sound of more gunfire™*

 

GIOVANNI: Ha! Well done, my loyal servants! Now! Security! Grab those miscreants!

 

[The Rocket Suicide Squad march in, along with the heavily armed security guards]

 

VEGETA: Curse you, Rockets! Look’s like we’re all doomed. Yes, doomed we all are. Doomed! No, I’ve never been in Dad’s army, thanks for asking.

 

DEC: James! How *could* you? After all we went through together!

 

JESSE: *sideways glance at James, snapping* What? What is he talking about, James?

 

JAMES: *embarrassed at these accusations* Uhm, nothing, Jess, nothing at all.

 

JESSE: Tell me the TRUTH, James!

 

JAMES: Nothing! Nothing at all!

 

JESSE: *enraged* WHAT is he talking about, there has to be SOMETHING! *pulls out fan from hidden pocket*

 

[All the security guards look on in amazement as Jesse berates James about Dec. She is getting very stressed at James, and seems more than a little jealous…]

 

VEGETA: *motioning for Spike to join him by the side of the room*

 

SPIKE: *linking him* I thought you’d never ask!

 

VEGETA: Dammit! No! Or m- no! Listen!

 

SPIKE: *disappointed* Oh..?

 

VEGETA: Look… they’re distracted by Decs cunning diversio-

 

DEC: Yeah… uh, diversion. That’s what it is. A diversion.

 

SPIKE: *glancing over to him* Ok, right… well, we can sneak out, can’t we?

 

VEGETA: *blinking* I was about to say we could moon them, but that’s a much better plan.

 

SPIKE: *shuffling at the thought* Um, yeah, this one’s better…

 

[Heh… sorry if the entire crew looks closeted, it’s just that it’s so damn funny…]

 

DEC: What?

 

SPIKE: What?

 

CAT: What?

 

JESSE: What?

 

VEGETA: Greyhounds? Aww, damn… *everyone turns on him*

 

[Yes! The greyhounds joke reappears! Mwa ha, no one can stop me etc.]

 

ANT: Hey, guys! Through the door?

 

ALL: Aha! Yes!

 

JESSE: Whaddaya mean, “nothing happened”?

 

 

[The remnants of the crew pile out of the door. Inside Giovanni’s office, Jesse has gone, um, slightly berserk with James. Past the mistrust, into relief, and… well, lets just say a crowd never put her off.]

 

ANT: *peering inside* Hey! Hey! What’s she doin- WHAT is she DOING?

 

VEGETA: *peering likewise* My, my… *grins* Lucky man, is James!

 

ANT: *wailing* No! This isn’t right! I’m going back!

 

[He dives towards the door, and Vegeta and Spike grab him just in time.]

 

SPIKE: Are you sodding insane? You can’t go back in there! The- what?

 

[The same scene has just happened with Dec and Cat, with James replacing Jesse.]

 

DEC/ANT: No! How COULD they? *cries*

 

VEGETA: Relax! There’s time for that later! C’mon, we have to get out!

 

CAT: Yeah! Let’s go! I’m feeling perky! What the hell has happened to me?

 

[She’s feeling perky, because… well, the fic may or may not go all citric on me. I don’t know.]

 

ANT: Citric?

 

DEC: Lemon.

 

[Heh. Anyhow. The crew dart through several doors, and notice something bad…]

 

GUARDS: Hey! You! Stop!

 

ANT: Hey, I know you! You’re those rockets that just got stamped on by unit TIO-2334!

 

[They are. They look pissed off, as if they’ve just found out that their band is shit and they’ve got no friends.]

 

ROCKET #1: Shuddup! *flings chairs*

 

SPIKE: No, you are! You’re those incompetents who failed utterly!

 

ROCKET #2: *grinning* That’s where you’re wrong! *pulls out gun from behind back*

 

ANT/DEC/CAT/SPIKE: Aargh! A pistol! Damn… pistols are the only guns to kill in films!

 

[The crew start to draw back slowly]

 

VEGETA: Hmm. Aha! I have a cunning plan! *strokes chin*

 

ROCKET #2: Shut it! Now! YOU, get in here, and YOU LOT, you star-

 

VEGETA: *yelling* Hey, look! An .MPEG of three young Hungarians in a field playing around!

 

ROCKETS: Where? Where? *dashes off*

 

[They sprint off in the direction of Vegeta’s hand: the Pokémon stables. However, a nearby doorway is just too tempting, and… ugh.]

 

VEGETA: *to astonished crew members, grinning* It’s time we started playing the system…

 

 

SPIKE: *puff* Why.. the HELL... *pant* do we have to *puff* climb through THESE?

 

[The intrepid crew are currently in an air vent. Climbing an air vent. They pass a sign saying “Computer Mainframe Room”.]

 

VEGETA: Look, it’s quite simple. We do all the stereotypical things that all action heroes do, and we win! It’s easy as that!

 

DEC: Action heroes? By the look of it we’re all comedy sidekicks!

 

VEGETA: *quickly* No! Don’t think that!

 

[They climb in silence for a minute or two.]

 

CAT: Hey, Vegeta?

 

VEGETA: Yup?

 

CAT: We’ve just gone past the sign that says “Computer Mainframe Room”. Aren’t we going there?

 

VEGETA: Yeah, in a minute… first, we’re going through to this room… *grins*

 

[They pass a sign marked “Armoury”…]

 

 

JESSE: *panting* So, you’re SURE that nothing happened between you and Dec?

 

JAMES: *grinning hugely* No, nothing. Wouldn’t I tell you if there was?

 

[They help each other with buttons and stuff. They turn around, to leave the room…]

 

GUARDS: *incredulous stares* …?

 

GIOVANNI: *blinks*

 

R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re jealous of Jesse and James!”

 

JESSE/JAMES: *blushing* Oh, FUC-

 

 

VEGETA: -K, that should do it! Now, pull that buckle to remove it, ok?

 

[Wow. In his spare time, apart from destroying moons and stuff, it transpires that Vegeta has an unhealthy obsession with firearms. Not your bog-standard guns, though… he’s outfitted the entire crew (well, the 4 members left) with hand-picked Rocket Weapons…]

 

DEC: *shouldering large gas launcher* Whoa.. what does THIS do? *nods towards vast cannon-like thing*

 

VEGETA: *proud* That, is a bubble launcher!

 

CAT: *blinks* What? A bubble launcher? That’s it?

 

VEGETA: Hmm.. don’t think that’s very effective, huh? *hoists weapon* Let’s see…

 

[An enormous bubble blups out the end of the cannon. This bubble multiplies, and gathers speed. Soon, Cat is surrounded by bubbles.]

 

CAT: *indistinctly* Um, so?

 

VEGETA: OK.. here goes! *presses button*

 

[The bubbles turn in on themselves. This creates a huge vacuum. With Cat in the middle. She is catapulted around seventy feet in the air, and lands on a bed of bubbles. They cascade around her like, well, like bubbles. More importantly, they solidify.]

 

CAT: What the fu- hey, what the hell have you just done? I can’t feel my legs!

 

VEGETA: Well, your arms are stuck fast!

 

[Ant and Dec fall about laughing]

 

VEGETA: *pleased at his joke* OK, the antidote is... here. And guess what? It’s a weapon, too!

 

CAT: No! No more weapons! Please!

 

VEGETA: Relax, all this one does is dissolves bubbles!

 

[He empties a can of the stuff over Cat.]

 

CAT: Hey, that smells.. good!

 

VEGETA: *grinning* Yeah, and it’s irresistible to men! Seriously!

 

ANT/DEC: Huh? What was that? Eh, never mind… hey, what’s that scent? Wow! *dashes to Cat*

 

CAT: Stop! No! Please! Don’t! Aaaaaaargh!

 

[Oh boy.. luckily, before anything happens, Vegeta grabs them both.]

 

VEGETA: Look. Take these. *holds out two pills that look like Smarties*

 

ANT/DEC: *gobbles pills*

 

VEGETA: Right, good. Now you’ll just fantasise about her for weeks after. *stares at camera*

 

[Hey! Shut it! What are you on about?]

 

CAT: Argh! Keep them away from me! Except Ant. Um, and Dec. *smiles*

 

[Meanwhile… Spike has been looking through the rack. He spots two bottles. Naturally, the antidote would be useless if you were fighting Vampires or Saiyans, so they have to have variants for them, as well.]

 

 

JAMES: Ok, they’re probably heading towards the Arms Depot, in Fuschia. Hey, are you sniggering?

 

[He turns to a low-ranking Rocket, who is trying not to burst out laughing.]

 

JESSE: Is there something AMUSING, Agent Hopkins?

 

HOPKINS: No, nothing, sir… ma’am… *snigger* I’m just…. *giggle* coughing… badly… *titter*

 

JAMES: Like hell you are! Look at me, Hopkins!

 

[Ever since Jesse began to… trust…. James, he’s been a changed man, yesno?]

 

HOPKINS: Yes, sir… *guffaw*

 

JAMES: What happened in Giovanni’s office was PERFECTLY ABOVE BOARD, NEVER HAPPENED, and especially DID NOT INVOLVE NUDITY!

 

HOPKINS: Yes, si- *breaks down laughing*

 

[The rest of the rocket KillTeam also began to laugh uncontrollably]

 

JESSE: LOOK! THE NEXT PERSON TO LAUGH WILL BE THROWN OUT! I MEAN THIS!

 

[The team falls silent. All except for the token big guy at the back, who tries to stifle a snigger.]

 

JAMES: Right! You! Name and REASON FOR LAUGHING!

 

BIG GUY: I’m Clint, and I’m laughing because… heh heh… that stupid cat is trying to get our attention!

 

[A cat meows at the KillTeam from a distance.]

 

JESSE: Jesus… for gods sake, I’ll get rid of it.

 

[She walks off into the alley which the cat is meowing from. Meanwhile, James berates the squad he is sharing command of.]

 

JESSE: *peaking round corner* Here, puss puss puss… we’ve got a nice buckshot shell for you…

 

[“Meow!”]

 

JESSE: Aha! Foundja, you… little….. bastard?

 

[The cat is sitting cross legged on top of a bin.]

 

MEOWTH: Bout time, ya goof.

 

 

DEC: *sniffs* Ohh, what is that HEAVENLY scent, Antony? *grins*

 

ANT: I don’t know, Declan, do you think it’s coming from… there? *grins*

 

CAT: *snaps* Shut up! Stop that, you bastards!

 

[The group clamber out of the air vents, into a large corridor.]

 

SPIKE: So, where’re we headed now? Any other lil’ side trips we have to make?

 

VEGETA: You betcha, we have to get a little backup for the port out. Unless you know how to work that weird little gizmo that got us here? Alex died four times, remember?

 

CAT: *feigns sadness* Oh, yeah… *genuinely concerned now* Hang on, what kind of backup? Are you thinking… cabbits, little dolls, space-pirates and so on?

 

VEGETA: *grins*

 

 

[Meowth is hopping around the Rockets.]

 

MEOWTH: Did’ja miss me? Did’ja MISS me?

 

JESSE: *covers face with hands* Yes, yes, we missed you… now WHAT did you have to tell us?

 

MEOWTH: You know I got promoted, right? To “CO. of the Hordes”?

 

JAMES: Yes! Now tell us what happened! What the hell are you doing?

 

[Meowth has clambered up onto James’s head, and is reclining there. Déjà vu?]

 

MEOWTH: Well, the revolution failed, bigtime! You know when that big mobile suit attacked? And a load of out of context fighters suddenly appeared? *bitterly* Well, guess who came in next…

 

JESSE: *grinning* Your monsters?

 

MEOWTH: *sullenly* Yes, my monsters. But! I saw a group of 3D’s hanging around the Rocket HQ after we got wasted! That help you at all?

 

JAMES: *strokes chin* Hmm… 3D’s… aha! Ant, Dec and Cat! It must be them! Why the hell did we come out here?

 

JESSE: *stroking James’ chin* Well, Giovanni said to. But… if we can bring back Meowth, he’ll be pleased…

 

MEOWTH: *hopping around* Can I join ya? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

 

[James and Jesse look at each other.]

 

JAMES: Weellllll, I dunno. What’s in it for us?

 

JESSE: Yeah, you’re dead weight at the moment, we prefer Arbok now.

 

MEOWTH: Aww, please? Look, I got money! I got magazines! I got tobacco! Just please let me rejoin?

 

JESSE: *hiding smile* Well… alright, but don’t do anything wrong, or else.

 

MEOWTH: Aw, thanks! Thank you! *beams*

 

[The rockets amble back off to their G-Wings. Meowth follows a short distance behind.]

 

MEOWTH: *to self* Idiots… heh, heh, heh…

 

 

[Ant and Dec are crawling along the floor of the prison section of the rocket HQ. In a large cell ahead is Washu, but the entire room is radio, bullet, and laser proof. Unfortunately, the best substance for all of these things in one dissolves in water, so Washu is also guarded by three Rockets at all times.]

 

ANT: *quietly, to Dec* OK, now you grab his legs and I’ll cover him with that bubble-dissolver.

 

DEC: *hissing* No! I want to use that machine that turns your clothes inside out with you still in it!

 

CAT: *signalling to be quiet, crawling up next to them* Shut it! Use the Effervescence Launcher!

 

[Whilst the guards dose, Ant, Dec and Cat frenziedly set up the Effervescence Launcher. When fires, it projects a huge, virtual image of two gases mixing, in a hypnotic fashion. Simultaneously, a calming voice says “effervescence” repeatedly. The net result is a quite fantastically effective weapon, which almost instantly incapitates anything up to and including a walrus.]

 

VEGETA: *sees that the 3D’s are ready, steps out from behind the corner* Hey! Rockets! Your mothers suck cocks in gay bars!

 

[The guards get annoyed. They leap over desks and such, and make a rush for Vegeta. He doesn’t try to stop them.]

 

GUARDS: *two holding Vegeta, one about to hit him with a lead pipe* So, what were you saying about our mums? *pulls back hand with pipe*

 

VEGETA: *smug* Well, I think I said… effervescence!

 

[The Launcher fires up. Ant, Dec and Cat dive for cover as the hypnotic lights and sounds cascade over the guards. Vegeta hasn’t ever looked at anything without sneering, so he’s fine, as is Spike, as he’s, well, um, he’s immune, ok?]

 

GUARDS: *drooling slightly* Gehh… pwetty…..

 

[Spike throws a mug of water over the cell door. Washu looks up in surprise.]

 

SPIKE: So… you’re good with computers?

 

[Washu blinks.]

 

 

[James, Jesse and Meowth come sprinting round the corner of the street, having parked their G-Wings nearby. They dash into Giovanni’s office, with  important news… although he’s, ah, busy.]

 

GIOVANNI: *holding bunny girls in portable Jacuzzi* Hey, Bryan! Get your costu- what the HELL are you doing in here?

 

JESSE: *pulled up short by this… unexpected sight* Um, sir, we have reason to believe that… JAIYSUS CRIKEY! What the HELL is th- ah.

 

GIOVANNI: *hides behind loofaah* YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR THIS!

 

JAMES: Yes, sir, we *swallows* think that the 3D’s are in the building.

 

GIOVANNI: *screaming* I KNOW! What’s WRONG WITH YOU?

 

JESSE: Well, sir, you sa-

 

[The bunny girls begin to panic]

 

GIOVANNI: GET OUT, NOW!

 

[The Rockets pile out, except for Giovanni, who piles i-]

 

CAT: Stop!

 

[Sorry.]

 

 

WASHU: So, where the hell are we going?

 

[The crew have armed Washu with a variety of weapons. To their surprise, she swiftly improves them, and adds more ammo-capacity, a tighter focusing beam, etc. She is wearing a shirt with the name “Algernon” embroidered in neat cursive letters. Private joke.]

 

VEGETA: Well, you can stay here and be executed by the rockets for refusing Giovanni, or you can come and live with us on the SoL.

 

WASHU: The SoL?

 

[She sits down on the floor of the corridor, and waits.]

 

SPIKE: Dammit! Get up, you can’t want t- oh, I see your point.

 

ANT: *smitten* Hey, um, I might stay as well.

 

WASHU: Eww, no way, creep.

 

[Washu gets up and begins to catch up with Vegeta, Dec and Cat.]

 

CAT: *calling back* Nice one, Ant! Quick thinking!

 

ANT: *staring at patch of ground where Washu sat* Yeah… quick thinking… right.

 

 

[The Rockets, including Jesse, James, the security guards, Rockets 1 and 2, and The Rocket Suicide Squad, scamper round the corner of ANOTHER rocket building. A large sign marked “Server Room” is seen fleetingly on the wall.]

 

R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re chasing a whole gang of gimps! We’re here….”

 

ROCKETS #1 AND #2: Wuh… wait up! *charging into two conveniently placed big spiky cactuses* Aaaaaargh! You FASCIST!

 

GUARDS: *muttering* “he’s just one man, we can take him on”… “he’s only got a pistol and an otherwise useless gadget”…. bah.

 

JESSE: Come on, James! Huh?

 

[James is having difficulty running. He’s out of puff, as it were. Jesse grabs his arm, à la Holy Matrimony. He looks at Jesse, and…]

 

ROCKET STORM TROOPER #1: *watching* Aw, sod… not again, this’ll take HOURS!

 

ROCKET STORM TROOPER #2: *also watching* Gah… they NEVER stop doing this in public, do they?

 

[A pair of socks lands on R.S.T #1’s head.]

 

R.S.T #2: Still, you have to admit; they’re not shy about it, are they?

 

[BTW…you know my fics, you know that if summat like this happens, it turns out that they’re playing Twister or something? Well…]

 

R.S.T #1: They’re having fully penetrati-

 

[Shut it! Yes, they are, ok? Plot reasons, and for more interest.]

 

JESSE: Hey! A bit of privacy?

 

[Wh… whuh… what? You’re the ones who started t- well, you know, *reddens* in plain public view!]

 

R.S.T #2: *chiming in* Hey, readers, he means fuc-

 

[Shuddit! Let’s try to keep some of the more graphic sex scenes and swearing to ourselves, yes?]

 

JAMES: Yeah, right, that sounds goooooooooooooooooooooooo…*trails off*

 

[Argh! No! I did NOT want to see that! Please! No more! Stop this now!]

 

JESSE: But it’s a perfectly normal thing for two consenting adults to do!

 

[Not two anime adults! *vomits*]

 

JAMES: *furious* Oh, is there summat WRONG with us now?

 

[No, it’s just… you’re 2D? And it’s perverse! How many young minds have I- no, YOU warped through this?]

 

JESSE: *hooking leg round James’s neck* Well, none, really. ‘Sides, we’re only playing Twister…

 

[Oh, thank god…]

 

JAMES: *grinning* No we’re not, we’re at it like knives…

 

[Jesus… *vomits again*]

 

 

[Urp. Ahem. The Crew and Washu (hey, that rhymes!) ar-]

 

EDITOR: Get out, and never come back!

 

[Sorry! I’ll be good. Anyway, they eventually find the Server room. And an unpleasant surprise.]

 

VEGETA: Yes! The server room! Finally! Washu, can ya get th- what the HELL?

 

[There’s someone at the mainframe desk.]

 

FIGURE: Whu? No! Not you again! I already died 4 times! Go away!

 

[Cat and Ant and Dec draw together in fear.]

 

SPIKE: Hang on a goddamn second… you’re not Alex, are ya?

 

FIGURE: Nope. *glows blue*

 

ANT: Hey! It’s the Voice Of The Fleece! Hi, Fleece!

 

FLEECE: Hi, everyone!

 

VEGETA: Hang on a second… you’ve died 4 times?

 

FLEECE: Ah. *nods towards SNES emulator running. It’s currently played Mana, and V.O.T.F is stuck fighting Spiky Tiger*

 

ANT: Hmm. A cheap ploy. I like it.

 

WASHU: Hey, can we get to the point, please? Jesse and James might be here any second!

 

 

R.S.T #1: Bloody hell… they’re still going? It’s been at least four hours now…

 

R.S.T #2: *watching Jesse and James* Yeah, what the hell are they made of?

 

[J&J are using a multigym, and pumping iron. Jesse stands up.]

 

JESSE: Right, that’s enough, lets go get those 3D’s!

 

R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re qu-“

 

JAMES: SHUT UP! C’mon, lets go.

 

[They exit the gym, and shoulder arms. Or arm shoulders. They make their way to the main server room, like they said they would before. Slowly, naturally.]

 

R.S.T #1: Hey, how come we’re the only ones actually trying to find these gimps, anyway?

 

R.S.T #2: Yeah, what happened to the other thousands of Rockets and hired guns we have?

 

[They’re fighting the remnants of that little mobile-suit battle. Unfortunately, a large waprhole has opened up in a broom cupboard, and so vast amounts of just about any nasty creature in existence are warping in for a bit of fun.]

 

R.S.T #1: You what? They find getting blown to shreds fun?

[No, they’ve opened a singles bar. When you’re destroying the population of worlds, and ripping spines out of virgin antelope and stuff, you don’t meet many chicks. Hence: the bar. The Rockets are actually rebelling, and fighting the die-hard Secretary and her Gundam squad.]

 

JESSE: *butting in* PARDON? Team Rocket… rebelling?

 

JAMES: How can this BE?

 

[Well, they’re disillusioned and depressed, so…]

 

ROCKET GUNNER: Hey! So what the hell are we doing running around searching for the 3D’s? Why don’t we rebel? I’m out of here!

 

[Jesse takes aim and shoots his legs off with a discthrower.]

 

R.G: Argh! What was that for?

 

JESSE: *eyes blazing* NO ONE is deserting now. You hear me? NO ONE.

 

JAMES: Yep, you heard her. *chuckles to self* Heh heh… team rocket is dead, long live team rocket…

 

R.G: Whaaaaaaat? And more importantly: GET ME A DOCTOR!

 

 

[Washu is plonked down in front of the main server terminal, and told to get to work.]

 

VEGETA: *plonking Washu down* G’won, get to work.

 

WASHU: *hitting keys* Hmm… system diagnostics don’t respond, we’ve got no power to the subservers… and someone’s spilled Lilt in the keyboard.

 

FLEECE: Sorry.

 

WASHU: Well, sorry to disappoint, but this computer is screwed. We can’t do a thing with it.

 

FLEECE: *holding up cable* May I? *plugs in computer*

 

WASHU: Ah. Well, we’re on now, and leeme see… right, the only time that we can get the best possible signal to the SoL is… um, in about half an hour.

 

SPIKE: So? Get us there now!

 

WASHU: Well, ok, if you want… although your limbs may turn up in a totally separate universe.

 

SPIKE: We’ll wait.

 

WASHU: Hmm… what the…?

 

[She hovers the mouse pointer over a file marked SECRET PLANS DO NOT OPEN.DOC]

 

ANT: Ooh! Open it! Open it!

 

WASHU: Can’t. It’s got custom encryption algorithms, with a pass keyhole that looks an awful lot like the RNA molecular structure of a… crustacean, of sorts. We need a sample of that exact RNA to synthesise a key to unlock this file…

 

ALL: Buh?

 

WASHU: *sighing* We need a bit of a particular crab to get in.

 

CAT: *thinking* A crustacean, you say? Hmm…

 

SPIKE: *nursing wounds in face* Awgh, these really hurt…

 

CAT: *standing up fast* That’s it! There has to be a fishmonger nearby!

 

WASHU: *chiming in* Or, we could take some of the DNA from the bits of claw in Spike’s face and get an RNA sample from it.

 

CAT: Weellllll, I preferred my plan, but..

 

WASHU: Problem is, the extraction takes at least eighty-three days.

 

ALL: *deflates* Aww…

 

VEGETA: Hey, look! Someone’s saved it in Rich Text Format, to send it to people without Windows ME. No password needed!

 

WASHU: Huh? Jesus… why didn’t I think of that?

 

[Plot reasons.]

 

WASHU: Righty, I’ll take your word for it. Ok, top secret plans… oh, god…

 

[The whole story unfurls. Giovanni had commissioned thousands of scientists to work for him on his latest project… Project Eden.]

 

AUDIENCE: Hey! We know where that’s fro-

 

[No you don’t. Project Eden was in fact a codename for a huge and evil organism which sucked the souls from its victims… but it was canned, due to lack of resources. So: Project Gethsemane was resurrected… a large, evil, duck like being with the power to destroy hats. It was canned also, for it was lame. Finally… Project  Lobsterman was created… a race of half human, half lobsters bred only for warfare. Giovanni twisted the design brief, until they were being bred only for sex. Vile, huh?]

 

SPIKE: Urgh… but.. one of them TOUCHED me! It TOUCHED ME! I-

 

[Shuddit. They all died in a mysterious plague. All except one… Codename: “Bryan”…]

 

ANT: Hey! That’s the secretar-

 

[S/he was fired. Another project was created, and]

 

DEC: How many sodding projects are there?

 

[Lots. This one was called The Project, as it was so important. Sponsored by NASDA, The Proj-]

 

CAT: *twigging* Oh, ha hah, how original. Gauss Cannon Tiger Tracks, please.

 

[Shut up! It’s NOT from ANY PC game, ok? The Project was in fact a highly evolved form of…]

 

WASHU: *reading ahead* What? A highly evolved PIKACHU?

 

THE PROJECT: *popping up behind Washu* Chuuu!

 

ALL: AAAAAAARGH!

 

[Gaze upon it. Then look, as it fails to do anything. Notice how tall it is and how pink it’s nose is.]

 

WASHU: *reading on* “The Project was in fact a dual entity, one of which was blessed with superchu mental powers, the other one with an ability to ruin any half decent plan…”

 

THE BRAINS OF THE PROJECT: *waving* Hello, friends.

 

PINK-NOSED PART OF THE PROJECT: *also waving* Narf.

 

VEGETA: Argh! Where did YOU come from?

 

THE BRAINS: Oh, I’m not even sure what species I am any more. My genes have been spliced, we’re la-

 

PINK-NOSED PROJECT: Zark!

 

[Ant takes advantage of the attention to The Brains and Pink Nosed, to sit near Washu.]

 

ANT: So, um, Washu, um, how did you get here?

 

WASHU: *typing* Beats me, I just woke up here…

 

[Ant begins to vibrate]

 

WASHU: *continuing* ..after getting drunk and flashing Giovanni…

 

[Ant begins to actually move the table now]

 

WASHU: *oblivious* …..and painting myself with chocolate……

 

[Ant is giving off steam]

 

WASHU: *concluding* ….. and hacking his bank account. You?

 

ANT: Muh… muh… those… those mounds... muh…

 

WASHU: Oh, you’re the ones who flung those at him? *indicates photo on the wall of Giovanni being buried by a huge wheelbarrow full of compost* My, I really admire people willing to stand up for their beliefs…

 

ANT: Muh.. muh! Yes, that was us! Well, when I say “us”, of course I really mean “me”, you know how it goes, ha hah ha… *scratches back of head in stereotypical fashion*

 

WASHU: *eyes narrowing* Even if those beliefs ARE to destroy all scientists in the Rocket facility…

 

ANT: *blinks*

 

 

[Kerlomp, klomp, klomp, klomp, kerlomp, klomp, klomp, klomp…]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Why the HELL do we have to wear these stupid boots? I mean, come on…

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: And these bloody uniforms… why on EARTH do we wear these?

 

[Jesse and James are leading a large squad of NuRocket guards down a corridor in the direction of the Server room. Jesse is wearing a full body red PVC suit, and so is James. This disturbs me. The other NuRockets are wearing full body PVC suits, and thighboots. Even the men. To differentiate from Jesse and James, the NuRocket guards suits are completely transparent.]

 

JESSE: Shut it. You’re gonna wear them, and like it. Damn shame that we’re not allowed to wear them due to our rank… *eyes James*

 

JAMES: *fending off Jesse* LATER, Jess, later! We’ve got the 3D’s to catch, remember?

 

GUARDS: And we’re embarrassed to be seen like this! Please! Promote us!

 

JESSE: *toying with James’ hair* So... we have a loyal gang of well-trained NuRockets, and a large base of operations, and an arsenal of assorted weapons. Anything missing?

 

JAMES: Well… we have got a.. few minutes to burn, so…

 

GUARDS: No! Please! Do you have any idea what getting aroused in a full body skin tight totally transparent PVC suit ENTAILS? Please, for the sake of our sanity, don’t!

 

JESSE: *grinning wickedly* Oh, that’s all part of the fun…

 

[Oh god… how do they get beyond my control like this? Time to bring them back in line…]

 

JAMES: *allowing weapons to clatter to floor* So, Jess, what’re you up for toda- ow! Ow god! Stop! Please!

 

[A large hedgehog has crawled onto Jesse’s lap. Damn shame summat else is trying to do that, too…]

 

HEDGEHOG: Oi! Lay off, you perverse inhuman fiend!

 

[Now STOP THAT, and get back to work! You’re supposed to be sticking to the story, and we can’t if you’re peeling off your PVC bodysuits every ten seconds!]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Seventy three minutes, to be precise.

 

[I don’t care! Now get moving on the story line!]

 

ROCKETS: We’re so-rry…

 

[Go! And cover your shame!]

 

 

[The crew are positioned around the main server. Washu is typing random stuff into the keyboard, to pass the time. As we zoom into the PC screen, we see that Washu is in fact typing a fanfic. The title… “And Now For Something Considerably Less Demented And A Lot More Insipid Valentines Special!” And yes, this one does exist.]

 

WASHU: Hmm… ok, CG goes with Bagpuss gir- oh, hello there readers! I didn’t see you for a minute there! *formats hard drive*

 

VEGETA: Hey, are we nearly gone? How much longer do we have to wait?

 

THE BRAINS OF THE PROJECT: Around eighty-three point nought nine nine nine nanoclicks. Nope, sorry, that’s about twent-

 

PINK-NOSED PROJECT: Fifteen minutes, narf!

 

THE BRAINS OF THE PROJECT: I meant that.

 

ANT: Oh, um, righty. Hey, Washu, you coming with us?

 

WASHU: We-ee-ll, someone has to operate the server, so…

 

ANT: What? No! You can’t stay!

 

FLEECE: Hey, I’ll do it.

 

WASHU: *swears*

 

DEC: Right, well, that’s settled. So, looks like we have to just wait a while to get back to the SoL! And nothing can go wrong. At all.

 

CAT: You betcha.

 

SPIKE: Right.

 

WASHU: Yeah.

 

ANT: Indeedy doo.

 

VEGETA: You’re right there.

 

PROJECTS: Definitely/Narf!

 

[Of course.]

 

FLEECE: Certainly.

 

[Outside the door…]

 

 

JESSE: Ready? Go! Go! Go! Up a bit! Left!

 

[For the love of god… quit it! Stop now! Dress again!]

 

JAMES: Sorry. OK, ready to go in?

 

JESSE: Ready when you are, lover!

 

JAMES: No, not yet! Calm yourself!

 

GUARDS: Hey! Guys! Get a room! With a vibrating bed, á la the Sims.

 

[GET ON WITH IT!]

 

JESSE: Ok… go! Charge through that do-

 

GUARD: It’s open.

 

[The rocket squad bursts into the door, seriously surprising the Fleece.]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Aw, fuck! We missed them, due to your ill-advised coitus!

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Yeah! We could have got them! But noooooooo…..

 

JESSE: Shut up! Hey! YOU!

 

[The Fleece tries to hide under a table.]

 

JAMES: What the HELL did you do with them? Where are they?

 

JESSE: Look! Here!

 

FLEECE: *gulp*

 

JAMES: Trying to hide the little bastards, are ya? Right…

 

[He pulls a large plate of Pringles from under a desk. Outside, a crow knocks over a huge stack of tubes, á la the advert. Minus the crow. Oh, forget it.]

 

JESSE: *munching*  So… since when did they have Pasta Pringles? Eh, forget it.

 

JAMES: Oh, they brought them out after the Curry ones sold out for being far too nice.

 

GUARD #1: Um, guys?

 

GUARD #2: The 3D’s? And how come you’re not face-deep in each other by now?

 

JAMES: Good question. *reaches over*

 

JESSE: Mmm, you’re s-

 

GUARD #1: Stop! Stop now! Right, Fleece, we’re searching for the 3D’s you sent through a dimension portal. Tell us where they are.

 

FLEECE: Never!

 

GUARD #2: We’ll do this at you! *places foot on table á la Mr Hand*

 

FLEECE: NO! Please! NO! NAAAAAAGFH! *bubbles*

 

GUARD #1: And we’ll make you watch them at it like KNIVES….

 

FLEECE: OK! OK! I sent them back to the SoL! Happy? Please let me die…

 

RANDOM ROCKET MEMBER: Transport us there! Now!

 

[Oh come on, that’s just cruel… stop this, please.]

 

FLEECE: Yeah, for the love of god, sto-o-oppp…

 

[The Fleece goes over to the controls. The Rockets assemble in the transporter circle, except Jesse and James who are dragged over by their legs.]

 

FLEECE: Ready? This may take some time… you’ll feel a short jolt, and you’ll arrive about fifteen minutes after the others, for plot purposes. OK?

GUARD SPOKESMAN: Check.

 

SUICIDE SQUAD SPOKESMAN: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re ready for a traumatic and possibly fatal matter transferral procedure that will almost certainly fuse us all into one gigantic protoplasmic blob were this real life!”

 

ROCKET KILLTEAM SPOKESMAN: Whatever.

 

J&J: Mmmmmfff mmfmffff… *moan*

 

[Ok, ok, it’s sick and vile, but funny, ok?]

 

FLEECE: Ok, ready? Here we go… fivvveeeeeee, fouurrrrrrrrrrrrrr, threeeeeeeeeeee, twooooooooooooo, onnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…….

 

[Meanwhile, on the SoL, Ant has a strange urge to dance.]

 

FLEECE: And… ok, problem, there’s a horrifically bad shortage of  bandwidth. Looks like… nope, nope, you’re ok. Bye!

 

[The entire rocket squad disappear with a resounding FFYYOOOOOOOMP!]

 

 

[Meanwhile, in the SoL…]

 

CAT: We’re hooooooooome!

 

[Cat flings herself on the sofa, Dec flings himself on Ca-]

 

CAT: Rewrite this script immediately.

 

[Cat flings herself on the sofa, whilst Ant and Dec run screaming in joy to their respective bedrooms. Vegeta, grinning madly, goes to the kitchen to prepare a bananary snack. Spike grabs the latest issue of White Dwarf (hey, it’s subliminal advertising, and I just paint them, ok?) and retreats to his bedroom to switch on the CD player. Washu sets up camp in the somehow completely disregarded laboratory that the crew somehow missed. Cat flicks on the TV.]

 

TV: “And now, we bring you LIVE coverage of the days events in Kyoto. Seven miscreants were seen wandering the woods today, provoking large monsters into fighting them, with the aid of these people…

 

 

 

 

CAT: Hey! Everyone! Look at this! It’s Captain Greyhound and Bagpuss Girl! And, um, someone else!

 

VEGETA: Wow, that’s quite a good photo of them… who IS that gimp in the middle?

 

SPIKE: I dunno, probably just some vagrant they’re quizzing for information.

 

[Thanks a lot.]

 

TV: “The vagrant in the middle was later found dead. The other two heroes are still at large. Police are advising that people stay at home and do nothing. Ever. That way no crimes get committed.”

 

ANT: Makes sense, I guess…

 

TV: “Also, there was a large cataclysmic battle at Rocket HQ in Saffron today. Large groups of Rockets were seen heading away from the HQ, as it collapsed in flames. Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, was not available for comment. Eye-witness accounts say that he’s “Holed up in his escape pod fucking that bloody lobster”.

 

SPIKE: *shudders* Eew… it touched me…

 

TV: “And we have conformation of survivors in the computer labs! Here is the main technician of the Rocket Mainframe System, um, what’s your name?

 

WASHU: Hey! That little gimp! He’s only a technician!

 

FLEECE: *onscreen* “Bob. Bob Fleece.”

 

REPORTER: So, um, Bob, can you give us a description of what happened? Other than your first statement of you, um, “heroically destroying all who threatened my life with extreme prejudice and skill and heroism”?

 

FLEECE: No.

 

REPORTER: Um, ok. We now cut LIVE, to an anomalous transmission we picked up moments ago… ok, it’s in binary. We’re streaming this through a radio for ease of hearing… ok, here we go, five, four, three, two.. one…

 

ANT: Hey! No! Wh-why am I dancing? Help!

 

[They ignore the madly flailing Ant, and instead listen to the anomalous broadcast.]

 

BROADCAST: kkkrrrssshhkkkkTTTTtssskkERE, we’re QUEER, we’re Rkkkkkshhhhhhrktlrksrtttlllllll blloot. READY TO LAY DOWN OUR LIVES, we’hhhggkkkkk splooot.

 

SPIKE: No! That’s…

 

REPORTER: *onscreen* The warcry of the famed Nurocket Suicide Squad! Hang on, we can hear another, fainter transmission… hold on, we’re patching you through… five, four, three…

 

ANT: *flailing wildly* Please! Someone restrain me! Please!

 

OTHER BROADCAST: krrshshhhkkk-oh captain greyhound, you’re s- krsghajksdgajkshhhhhhh *ploot* oooooooooh, that’s the stuff-fklfhdhhhhhhhhhhhhh *crackle* so, what’re you doing next we kkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkk *silence*

 

CAT: Hey! That’s Bagpuss Girl!

 

[The sounds of repeated hammer blows and “EMUPHILE! SAY IT!” are heard from the cell of the author.]

 

VEGETA: Hang on.. the only time we ever hear about those two is when we get into a fight. And if the NuRocket Suicide Squad are being teleported somewhere…

 

CAT: They must be coming…

 

DEC: HERE!

 

[The crew all look at each other.]

 

ALL: FUCK!

 

 

[Meanwhile, in the main storage bay of the SoL, there is a sudden surge of electricity. A rat stares quizzically at a wall for some time, then goes back to staring quizzically at it’s own tail. There is a large *ping*, and the NuRocket Suicide Squad materialise. The guards and KillTeam unfortunately had a nasty accident, and they’re currently elsewhere….]

 

GUARDS: *nervously eyeing hordes of Alien Grunts* Um, gulp.

 

[An observing man straightens his tie, and leaves. The screen fades to blac- hang on, I’m getting interference in the fics. There. That should do it.]

 

MAN: Quite a nasty piece of work you pulled off here. I am impressed!

 

[Shut up! Stop putting subliminal references in!]

 

NIHALANTH: Subliminal?

 

[Fuck off! All of you! *snaps fingers*]

 

SCIENTIST: Have I really been that much of a burden?

 

 

[Ahem. Sorry. Damn Half Life. As any moron can tell you, Unreal Torny is much better. Anyway, the NuRockets surface in the storage bay of the SoL. “Lets roll!”]

 

JAMES: Ok squad! Lets roll!

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: *looking at self* Didn’t we all die?

 

[No.]

 

RG #1: OK. Well, sir, we’re in trouble. There’s a… complication.

 

JAMES: Such as?

 

RG #2: There’s… *dramatic pause* a rabbit there.

 

JAMES: A rabbit?

 

RG #1: A *big* rabbit! You can’t go in there!

 

JAMES: *suspiciously* In where?

 

RG #2: Oh, sorry. In that big room marked “big cuddly rabbits and ponies”.

 

JESSE: It’s a trap!

 

JAMES: No it isn’t! Look, I’ll go in!

 

[He peers through the window… inside are a large group of rabbits lolloping around.]

 

JESSE: Right. You! In!

 

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: Huh? Um, me?

 

JAMES: Yeah! Get in that door!

 

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: Um… uh, no?

 

JAMES: DO IT!

 

ROCKET GUARD: SIR YES SIR! I WILL GO AND ABUSE THE RABBITS YES SIR! God, you’re sick.

 

[She enters the room… the door slams shut. Rabbits pour from concealed hatches, running around in a display of cuteness. The holoprojecters on the walls project an image of green fields, and the rocket guard falls to her knees, overcome.]

 

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: *gibbers* Bunny! Bunnybunnybunny!

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Sir, I’m sorry to report that we just lost Private Adams…

 

[Sorry, I couldn’t resist this little set-piece]

 

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: *crazed* Heh heh heh… bunnies… bunniesbunniesbunnies… yeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

JESSE: Onwards! Through the other door!

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Wait a second! You just sent Private Adams into that room for no reason!

 

[The sound of crazed rantings about bunnies is heard. Eh, she’s happy.]

 

JESSE: I know.

 

 

CAT: OK… when’re they expected? We have to produce at least five hundred hand grenades to stave them off! And a whole load of 9mm!

 

VEGETA: Cat, you will notice that we currently have, in our arsenal, three small sticks and a firework. We haven’t a chance.

 

DEC: But what are we gonna do? They’ll *kill* us!

 

ANT: No they won’t, this room’s sealed shut.

 

[Indeed. The main room of the SoL has been completely sealed off from the outside. Big, massive, huge steel bulkheads have been lowered from the ceiling. The, uh, downside, is that this room is the MST theatre.]

 

SPIKE: What? No! NO! Open the DOORS!

 

[As the crew begin to pound on the bulkheads, the credit sequence begins on a movie…]

 

Attack Of The Giant Plastic Vegetables…

 

            “Aaaargh!” screamed Brock. The turnips had been easily dealt with, and his Vupix had slaughtered the carrots. The aub-

 

WASHU: No! Stop!

 

[She waves a small gizmo around, and the movie stops.]

 

WASHU: Heh, a remote control that works with anythi- what?

 

[The crew notice the distinct lack of any oxygen. With a vengence.]

 

SPIKE: Wait a second, why do I care? I don’t breathe!

 

[Vegeta does.]

 

SPIKE: Washu! Get the oxygen turbines online now! I, uh, like air.

 

[Washu does so.]

 

ANT: *gasp* Uhh… air! Washu! How can I ever thank you? I’ll do *anything*!

 

WASHU: Back off, creep. Ok, lets head up to the main living room, my traps should keep those NuRockets occupied.

 

DEC: Uh, do you not think that going to the space docks and loading up on mining lasers would be more… prudent?

 

WASHU: Don’t tell me how to do my job, monkeyboy, you quit yours.

 

[Squabbling, the crew make their way to the SoL main chamber…]

 

 

[Yeesh. 15 NuRocket guards left, all have somehow found some appropriate uniforms. And J&J keep their red PVC thing. They scare me. One of the guards is going slightly berserk…please-don’t-hurt-me-she-asked-me-to-put-you-in…]

 

PRIVATE WIETESKA: No! I’m going in after her!

 

PRIVATE “CORPSE”: Are you mad, boy? You’ll be overwhelmed!

 

PRIVATE “BIG AL”: Yeah, you can’t go in! Look! She’s happy!

 

PRIVATE WIETESKA: Shuddup! You can’t stop me!

 

[They scuffle for a while.]

 

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THIEF”: *squinting through monocle* What is the meaning of theees?

 

[Private Wieteska takes advantage of the lull to fling himself through the.. uh, bulkhead. Look, it opened for a second, ok?]

 

PRIVATE “CORPSE”: Oh hell…

 

[The three watch for a while through the observation window. Private Wieteska makes his way over to Private Adams in a heroic display of braver-]

 

PRIVATE WIETESKA: *faintly, through glass* No.. must… be.. strong… must… ruh… rabb.. rabbit… bunny! Bunnybunnybunny! *gibbers, joins Private Adams*

 

THE WHOLE WORLD: Jesus, laying it on a bit thick, are we?

 

[I have to show that it’s not just a cameo! Anyway, he makes his way over to Private Adams in a heroic display of bravery, but is dragged down by the rabbits…]

 

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THIEF”: Oh dear.

 

[The group is silent. The captain removes his helmet.]

 

CAPTAIN YOU KNOW THE REST: Today we mourn the, uh, incapitation of two fine NuRockets. They di- uh, got distracted, as they lived: surrounded by lots of rabbits and with each other.

 

THE WHOLE WORLD: Ok, I refuse to read any more. This is flagrant praise-angling…

 

[Shut it!]

 

JESSE: What? What’s happened!

 

JAMES: OK, great, we have 13 more rockets… out of three whole battalions!

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Uh, sir, three battalions is only fifteen.

 

 

[The SoL crew are watching the action on the security monitors Washu set up over the trap rooms. They’re all on the sofa, watching it on the insanely large TV screen. They appear to be… MSTing the action?]

 

VEGETA: (as King Aurthur) What? That’s the legendary beast? You have to b- aargh!

 

[Ant is, naturally, next to Washu. She appears to have stopped struggling so violently with him, mainly because he just does not give up. Still, she looks relatively non-disgusted…]

 

 

JESSE: Onwards!

 

[The 13 strong band of brothers make their way cautiously down a corridor. J&J are at the rear.]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: *to Jesse* Hey, uh, there’s a big room up ahead. This does not bode well.

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Uh, this doesn’t look good at all. There’s a big bucket above the door.

 

[They cautiously prise open the door with a RocketPole. ‘Tis a franchise, ok? The bucket falls to the ground, spilling a highly normal liquid on the ground.]

 

JESSE: *sniffing* Fish oil?

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Uh, no, sorry, I haven’t been able to shower in quite some time. That’s vinegar.

 

JESSE: Ah. Well, through we go.

 

[What they don’t know is that the only gun turret they could find on the SoL has a sensor that detects noises above a certain level: bucketfall being one of them.]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Ok, sirs, looks like there’s nothing of any note in this r- GET OUT! MOVE! MOVE!

 

GUN TURRET: *whirrrrrrrrrrr….. blup…. BRAKABRAKABRAKA*

 

JESSE: SHIT! Move out! Get the shields up front!

 

JAMES: Uh, Jess, that’s  not a machine gun.

 

[The BRAKABRAKABRAKA was in fact the sound of bubble canisters being cracked open. Yes, bubbles.]

 

JESSE: Bubbles?

 

JAMES: BUBBLES! *he dives for cover, dragging Jesse and Meowth, who the author had forgotten about for a bit, behind the doorway*

 

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THEIF”: Argh! *splottasplottasplott* I… I can’t move!

 

[The Captain is stood in the doorway, absorbing the full blast of the cannon. He can’t do owt else.]

 

GUN TURRET: *splottsplottsplott… splott… splott… splo.. splfff…* “Thank you for using the Desolator Automatic Defence systems Bubblelauncher. For any accidents, please use canisters attached to side, and coat liberally. Thank you for using the Desolator Automatic Defence System. For any…”

 

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THEIF”: Please! Use it! My arm itches!

 

[One of the guards starts towards the cannon.]

 

JESSE: No! Wait! That stuff… don’t you remember the Arms course we had?

 

JAMES: Yeah! It makes you irresistible to the opposite sex!

 

[God I wish that existed… did I say that out loud?]

 

PRIVATE “DON’T BUY HER THIS”: Damn. Looks like I’d better stay behind and, ah, administer it to him…

 

JAMES: Ok, if you want. Join up later, ok?


CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THIEF”: Wuh? Huh?

 

[As the remaining NuRockets make their way through the large storeroom, Private “Don’t Buy Her This” dabs some of the antidote behind her ears, and turns to the captain…]

 

JAMES: Dammit, eleven left!

 

[Movement is heard.]

 

 

[Back at the SoL living room…]

 

DEC: Hey, if you didn’t know, that’s Becky, Corkie’s girlfriend. Well, you’ll have to get the details off Leader, as I haven’t met her yet. Wonder why…

 

[Cat slaps Dec]

 

CAT: Dec, are you ok? You went a bit odd there!

 

DEC: Ah, sorry… wasn’t feeling myself…

 

CAT: I didn’t say you we- oh, sorry, I get it.

 

[Besides, I did meet her in the course of writing this fic. She’s very nice.]

 

 

JESSE: Run! Run away! Run away away away!

 

[The rockets have entered a large hangar. God knows what it’s doing in the SoL, but the security bot ain’t too pleased.]

 

SECURITY ROBOT: *in robot language* Come back! I haven’t spoken to anyone in years!

*in perceived language* SPREEBLE! KERPLONMK! ZOINK! KEEEEEL!

 

JAMES: Flee!

 

[Poor thing. Anyway, sod it, as it gets destroyed by a rocket bazooka.]

 

GREENPEACE: Hey!

 

[It’s metal. Shut up. The rockets walk through the hangar, in wary silence. A small movement catches their eye, but is swiftly gone. The rockets draw together.]

 

PRIVATE “CORPSE”: I don’t like it… it’s too quiet.

 

[Behind a crate, a radar dish picks up the sound. A LCD display lights up.

 

CLICHÉ COUNT: 1

 

A small crate begins to self unpack.]

 

PRIVATE “BIG AL”: If I die… don’t bury me here.

 

[The radar dish catches this.

 

CLICHÉ COUNT: 2. ONE MORE CLICHÉ REQUIRED FOR REBOOT.

 

It swivels more.]

 

LIEUTENANT “POTTER”: A stitch in time saves nine. Why did I say that?

 

[Radar dish time!

 

CLICHÉ COUNT: 3. AUTO REBOOT: ENGAGED

 

And, uh, something happens.]

 

JAMES: Hey, what the hell is that?

 

[A large whirring is heard from the crate. Then a sharp yelp. Then a mechanical sound. The NuRockets stand around, dumbfounded.]

 

JESSE: Hmm. Right, Privates “Corpse” and “Big Al”! Go check it out!

 

[The two NuRocket guards edge to the crate with, well, an edge of edginess. Private “Big Al” gingerly removes the tarpaulin from the crate, and peers inside. Inside, two red eyes are seen gleaming.]

 

PRIVATE “BIG AL”: What the fu-

 

[A large cybernetic wolf lunges out from the crate, and locks it’s jaws around the Rocket’s throat. Simultaneously, a massive brain on eight mechanical legs breaks out from behind a storage crate, and begins to sow chaingun fire into the midst of the NuRocket gang.]

 

JESSE: AAARGH! GET IT!

 

[Several rounds of ammunition go “bad-ING” off the wolf’s hide, as it finishes off Lloy- ah, Private “Big Al”, and leaps over to the largest group of rockets. The Spider is not doing so well, and is suffering under a few bazooka blasts from Lieutenant “Potter”. However, a couple of thousand chaingun rounds soon put a stop to that.]

 

JAMES: We’re being slaughtered! Retreat!

 

[The NuRockets leg it out of the hangar. Their losses: four privates, and Lieutenant “Potter”. As the survivors lie panting on the ground, and Jesse and James lie panting on top of each other, the battered remains of the group swear a lot. Until..]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Hey, hang on! Why the hell haven’t they followed us in here?

 

[The pair of mechanical, uh, machines move up to answer.]

 

JESSE: Ready? Fire!

 

CYBERNETIC WOLF LIKE BEING: Hey, watch it with those!

 

[A small but perfectly aimed laser from the wolf’s eye destroys the bullet inside Jesses gun, causing a major misfire.]

 

SPIDERY MASTERMINDY THING: And next one to fire gets this.. *spins chaingun*

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Wuh… whu… why the HELL did you just attack us?

 

CYBERWULF: Oh, we’ve been watching you lot. We had an agent with you the whole time.

 

SPIDER MASTERMIND: Yo, Demon Mews, ya can come back to us now.

 

[“Meowth” hops down from yet another crate, and joins the metallic pair.]

 

JESSE: SO WHY DID YOU TRY TO KILL US?

 

DEMON MEWS: Oh, we had ta make sure that the last baddle was a fair un’, otherwise it’d be stoopid.

 

[And they’re right, the remaining rockets are now Jesse, James, and six Privates.]

 

ROCKET GUARD #3: Hey, you killed Rocket Guard #2! That means I’m promoted! Thanks!

 

CYBERWULF: No probs. Now go on, you’ve gotta get through the main doors to the living room. Use this… *gestures with paw*

 

[A chest appears.]

 

JESSE: Cool, uh, thanks. What the hell is it?

 

SPIDER MASTERMIND: Open it!

 

[James makes his way over to the chest. He prises the lid off, and lifts out a bracelet. For some reason, it floats some feet above his head until he declares what it is.]

 

DEMON MEWS: It ain’t a bracelet, relax. Put it on.

 

JAMES: Surely you jest.

 

JESSE: *chewing hair* Do it, James.

 

JAMES: Meh.

 

[He puts the bracelet on. It glows mauve.]

 

SPIDER MASTERMIND: OK, now point it at that bulkhead and chant… ahem… “Badoommmm!”.

 

JAMES: Like I just said. Surely, you jest.

 

JESSE: Just do it! *snatches bracelet and puts it on. It glows orange.*

 

[The robotic duo and the cat look rather taken aback at this.]

 

JESSE: Ok… “Badoommmm!”, is it?

 

CYBERWULF: No! Don’t do th-

 

[As Jesse chants, a large orange cloud gathers around her. It coalesces into the bracelet, and…]

 

SPIDER MASTERMIND: Oh shit.

 

[A huge bolt of energy flies out of the bracelet. Into Jesse.]

 

DEMON MEWS: Fuck! That’s the bracelet taking more energy! It only does this with a few people!

 

[Cut to Scott and Aoi in a cell somewhere, with numerous identical bracelets and a sadistic jailer telling them to “Charge them up!”]

 

JESSE: Oh god… that felt.. uh, what?

 

[Jesse is standing up. Whilst lying down.]

 

CYBERWULF: Now that’s just bloody great. Her astral projection has come out to play. It’ll be back in her body in about six hours, but now… well, you have to live with it. What the bracelet drains is your psyche’s power of surrealism, and it forces out your actual mind whilst doing this. And, uh, when it tries to get it back in, sometimes it forgets bits.

 

JESSE’S PROJECTION: You what? I’m Jesse! That’s the imposter!

 

JESSE: *groggily* Oh, shut up, you little.. uh, wow! Goddess!

 

JESSE’S PROJECTION: Uh, sorry? Wh- wow! Who’re YOU?

JESSE: *coyly* Me? I’m Jesse! Who’re you?

 

[This goes on for quite some time.]

 

JAMES: Uh, much as the idea of a threesome with two Jesse’s seems nic-

 

THE WORLD: See? Told you he was gay! Jesse=Jessie! Aw, forget it.

 

JAMES: Shut up. How can she get back? And, uh, how the hell can she TOUCH Jesse? Seriously now, how? HOW?

 

CYBERWULF: Uh, I really don’t know. And whoops, look at the time, better get going, sorry I can’t stay, give Spider a video of the two, bye bye, catch you later, bye.

 

[Cyberwulf, the Spider Mastermind and the Demon Mews flee, off to a waiting Starship.]

 

JAMES: *watching Jesses* Oh, fuck.

 

 

[Back in the living room.]

 

WASHU: Hey, who let them in?

 

ANT: Oh, uh, we found them in New Ross on the tour bus… they threatened to kill us, so we, uh, stored them in a crate.

 

SPIKE: Hey, wait a mo, why did Meowth suddenly go evil?

 

 

[Suddenly? Pshaw. Flashback!]

 

MEOWTH: Aww, please? Look, I got money! I got magazines! I got tobacco! Just please let me rejoin?

 

JESSE: *hiding smile* Well… alright, but don’t do anything wrong, or else.

 

MEOWTH: Aw, thanks! Thank you! *beams*

 

[The rockets amble back off to their G-Wings. Meowth follows a short distance behind.]

 

MEOWTH: *to self* Idiots… heh, heh, heh…

 

[End flashback!]

 

 

DEC: Oh, uh, right. We weren’t there, ok?

 

[Oh. I see. Well, bye.]

 

ANT: Well, the NuRockets are almost here, so, Washu, where’s the remote? I wanna see ‘em on the monitors!

 

WASHU: Uh, it’s here, on my leg, but I’l-

 

[Ant lunges. Washu starts violently. The remote goes flying, Ant ends up in Washu’s lap.]

 

VEGETA: Wayhey!

 

WASHU: ANT, you PENIS! Get off!

 

ANT: *muffled, in both sense of the wo- ok, ok, sorry* Yeah, uh, getting up now, ok, getting up. In a second.

 

[The crew squabbles.]

 

 

JESSE: Ok, gang. We’ve made it this far. Our unit has been broken down from three whole battalions to eight troopers and your two leaders. But we will persevere!  We shall rebuild team rocket!

 

JAMES: Or you’ll die trying! Are you with me?

 

NUROCKETS: Yeah!

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Hey, uh, I have a question…

 

OTHER JESSE: Yeah?

ROCKET GUARD #1: Uh, why are we trying to kill the crew of the SoL anyway? I mean, what possible threat could they be? Could we not just go home and try to rebuild Team Rock- uh, Team NuRocket?

 

OTHER JESSE: *silent for a while*

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Uh, Je-

 

OTHER JESSE: No. Now, let us go! Attack!

 

[The NuRockets scramble.]

 

 

[So do the crew.]

 

VEGETA: Aw, FUCK! Quick! Get ready for incoming NuRockets!

 

SPIKE: Shit! Shit! Shit! I can’t hurt people!

 

VEGETA: Then get in one of the bedrooms!

 

SPIKE: Way ahead of ya!

 

CAT: The monitors report multiple blips heading in this direction!

 

WASHU: They’re past the turrets!

 

DEC: That was four pages ago!

 

ANT: Don’t yell at Washu!

 

VEGETA: Look, grab a mop and get ready to hit, if you don’t have Rocket weaponry!

 

SPIKE: *from within bedroom* Hey, there’s a crossbow in here! Use it! No, wait, it’s a paperweight. Sorry.

 

DEC: They’re coming in five minutes! Once they’re through that bulkhead, they have a clear run to us!

 

WASHU: Fuck! The auto defences have had their wires slashed!

 

CYBERWULF: Cheat? Me?

 

CAT: Get ready, everyone!

 

[Suddenly… a ball of blue electricity appears in the middle of the living room, poised above the sofa like a small, blue kite. Fingers of blue lightning crackle over the walls, and the noise reaches a crescendo. Two figures fall onto the sofa.]

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Oh, uh, damn. Hi everyone!

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: *blushes* Shit. Hi!

 

[Remember the standard issue Lycra shorts? They don’t.]

 

VEGETA: Gah, your spare costumes are, I feel, in the spare room. Don’t ask why.

 

[Grabbing the cushions, they make their way to the aforementioned room.]

 

SPIKE: Jesus, all these young couples everywhere, at it all the time…

 

VEGETA: Yeah, they should learn some self-restraint like us older peo.. people… *trails off*

 

[The superhero duo make a reappearance, wearing their costumes.]

 

SPIKE: Guys?

 

[The superhero duo retreat to the room again. They come out again, wearing the RIGHT costumes.]

 

C.G: Damn you! I could have gotten away with that, too!

 

[Eep. You scare me, boyo.]

 

ANT: Enough with the poor cross dressing gags! The NuRockets are coming! The NuRockets are coming!

 

 

[The sound of hammering can be heard from behind the bulkhead. Then muffled swearing. Then two shrill voices complimenting each other on how they dealt with the stupid troops they have. Then James getting very annoyed and yelling. Then…]

 

ALL: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

 

[The sound of James singing ironically…]

 

JAMES: *charging up bracelet* “Well no-one here, is getting out alive… this time I’ve really lost my mind and I don’t care…so close your eyes, and kiss yourself goodbye, and think about the times you’ve spent and what they’ve meant.. to me it’s nothing… to me it’s nothing… to me it’s nothing….” *eyes glow red* Ok… this should be messy….

 

[No, Bile Joe does not feature in the story. James likes Greenday.]

 

ALL: Oh god.

 

[With a cataclysmic explosion, the bracelet annihilates the bulkhead, and the small hat stand nearby. The remaining NuRockets pour in, taking up positions. Captain Greyhound and Bagpuss Girl are behind the sofa, having been thrust there by Vegeta, who recognises the advantage of an ace-in-the-hole]

 

SPIKE: *chiming in* And James is a right ace-hole!

 

[Indeed, now shut up. The Jesses have begun to grate on my nerves, so they merge back together. James is breathing heavily, and seems more… menacing.]

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Perimeter… secure.

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Heh heh.. that was easy.

 

[Ant and Dec are sitting on the sofa looking petrified.]

 

JESSE: *gloating* Well, those pitiful defences didn’t take us long, did they, James?

 

JAMES: …

 

JESSE: James?

JAMES: *breathing hard*  Uh… no, Jess… *eyes glow red for a minute*

 

JESSE: *taken aback* Oh, uh, right. Anyway. Where are the rest of you?

 

ANT: Uh, dunno. They hit us and ran out.

 

JESSE: Seriously?

DEC: No.

 

[The SoL crew rise like a vengeful rising thing, and shoulder arms. Vegeta leaps out from behind the TV with his BubbleGun at the ready, whilst Ant and Dec dive for cover as a hail of NuRocketSlugs tear the sofa to shreds. As Jesse screams for the NuRockets to attack, something… strange happens to James.]

 

JAMES: Bastards… right….

 

[As he tries to charge up his bracelet, the mauve lights suddenly flash black. James looks rather perturbed by this, but as the lights begin to combine, he starts violently,  and begins to look evil. Forks of black lightning begin to play across the surface of the SoL, and James goes rigid…]

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

 

[James spasms, and collapses comatose to the floor. The black lights whiz around, and condense into one. The NuRockets and SoL members stare in abject terror, as their weapons drop to the ground. Forks of lightening sp-]

 

SPIKE: Wait just a fucking second, why does lightening feature so prominently here?

 

[I just got a Razonde lvl 15 disk on Phantasy Star Online, ok?]

 

SPIKE: Gotcha.

 

[Forks of lightening spike out from the ball. They spark, spread, and explode in a mushroom of incredibly intense light.]

 

ALL: Aw, fuck! What the hell..

 

[The light clears. James is standing upright.]

 

JESSE: Jesus, James, what happened to… you….

 

[James turns round, with red beams of pure malevolence emitting from his now empty sockets. It, uh, isn’t James anymore.]

 

JESSE: JAMES!

 

[As the horrified crew watch, James’s flesh buckles. Not nice. Massive black angel wings unfurl from his back, and a second set of arms bursts from his side. The part of James that is still James screams in terror, as the part of James that is now possessed screams in triumph…]

 

ANT: Dude, that’s one fucked up bracelet.

 

“JAMES”: ……. *snort*……. EEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIRAAAAAGAAAH!

 

[Ant leaps back as the second pair of arms scythe towards him, and impact in the floor. He ain’t safe yet, as the red eyes turn on him and begin to glow…]

 

CAT: Ant, you imbecile, move!

 

[A tightly focused beam of, well, evilness snakes it’s way towards Ant, striking him full in the chest. Ant flies backwards, unconscious. The beast frees its arms from the ground, and turns to Dec as the rest of the crew and the rockets begin to open fire with just about anything they can find.]

 

DEC: No! I’m a lover, not a fighter!

 

[The beam of malevolence locks home… but Dec does not appear to be harmed.]

 

DEC: Huh?

 

VEGETA: Fire!

 

[A cascade of ice rockets, bubbles and giant novelty stuffed animals, not to mention some bullets, fall upon the thing that was James. It seems unharmed. Dec, on the other hand…]

 

DEC: Ow! Shit! AAAAAARGH! MY LEG! *thump* Aaargh! I’m immobilised!

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Shit, that’s Soul Steal… guess listening to Loder rant incoherently about PSO late at night paid off…

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Yeah, so DON’T TOUCH JAMES UNTIL IT’S FINISHED! You’ll hurt Dec!

 

DEC: Meep? Oh dear.

 

[The dark angel evidently finishes with Dec. Drained of all apparent signs of life, Dec collapses. He gets up again.]

 

DEC: Indigestion, sorry. Hurrrk! *collapses again*

 

[“James” rears up again, and unfurls his wings more so.]

 

VEGETA: GET HIM AGAIN!

 

[As before, a hail of munitions and such falls upon the James-Beast. It rears up in agony, and screams again. It charges up its bracelet…]

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Oh fuck. Ready? Here goes nothing…

 

[As “James” charges up his bracelet again, Captain Greyhound and Bagpuss Girl vault over the remains of the sofa. “James” turns, but too late: a flying kick from CG and a brolly-smash from BG impact into his side. This doesn’t do much.]

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: *blinks, then to CG* You just wait till I get you home, *darling*…

 

“JAMES”: *snarl*

 

[“James” spins round, and fires the bracelet off. It hits CG in the chest.]

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Oh, fuck.. now I’m gonna have to star in a melodrama scene…

 

[No. CG gets obliterated, and h- kidding, ok? CG is fine, but slightly staggered. And quite insanely pissed off.]

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Right. You little bastard. See how you like THI-

 

[Another blast catches him full in the face.]

 

“JAMES”: Heh heh heh…

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Wait, you can SPEAK?

 

“JAMES”: Course I can. What did you think? Pathetic…

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Right, lets see how you like THIS, then! Ka! Me! Ha! Me! H-

 

[Blam.]

 

“JAMES”: Desist. Leave me this host, and I shall let this satellite live. Refuse, and I shall destroy both you AND the host, as soon as I get a better one that isn’t insanely camp and incompetent.

 

SPIKE: Well, he makes a good poi-

 

JESSE: NO WAY. You’re going down NOW!

 

“JAMES”: Heh heh heh… even if you CAN defeat me, which isn’t gonna happen, cully, what do you think will happen to your precious James?

 

JESSE: You.. you..

 

“JAMES”: Stand aside, NOW.

 

JESSE: No! James! You have to be in there somewhere!

 

[Jesse and the antiangel lock eyes for a second… two seconds… three…]

 

JESSE: James?

 

[The flaming red eyes flicker. They flicker again, and it is the eyes of James himself that stare back at Jesse.]

 

JAMES: Jess?

 

JESSE: James! You’re really back? You’re-

 

[The eyes flicker again, and go back to their blazing red appearance. The right eye flares brightly for a second.]

 

“JAMES”: Gotcha.

 

[Jesse howls in frustration and despair, and looses off a few shots at the angel. “James” beats his wings and rises to the top of the room. As if triggered by Jesse’s scream, the crew and the NuRockets again fire upon the beast.]

 

JESSE: *screaming incoherently* Argh.. fucking.. bastard… James… why?

 

[The beast seems to absorb the shotgun blasts and ice rockets… in that it doesn’t pay any attention to the huge gaping rents torn in it.]

 

VEGETA: Shit! Even if we totally obliterate James, the thing’ll still animate the remains!

 

JESSE: Obliterate?

 

[The dark angel howls in triumph as his bracelet charges up again, and smashes a NuRocket to a pulp. Laughing evilly, he turns to the SoL ceiling.]

 

WASHU: Uh oh. If he destroys that, we’re all dead instantly! You ever heard the phrase “Explosive Decompression”? Quick! He’s a demon, right?

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Right?

 

WASHU: Good… keep him occupied, I’ll be back in a second.

 

CG: What? Wuh? Oh fuck, here goes again.

 

[He charges the angel again. Giving CG a cursory glance down, “James” hovers up to the very roof of the SoL. Grimacing in distaste, he charges up his bracelet again. CG ain’t having any of this, and vaults up to him from a running start, grabbing onto “James’” leg. The angel screams at the sudden weight on it’s leg, and swipes at the semi-crazed superhero with his claws. CG is unimpressed, and proceeds to smash a gaping hole in his chest with a roundhouse punch. The angel screeches in agony. You can hurt it, but ’cha can’t kill it…]

 

CG: Heh heh, howdja like THAT?

 

[“James” screams again, and the wound closes.]

 

CG: Ah.

 

[The angel attacks with renewed ferocity, and slashes CG again. This time the good capn’ collapses to the ground with his face in ribbons, his nose somewhere on the other side of the room.]

 

BG: Fuck! You utter BASTARD!

 

[“James” turns to BG, with contempt in his, uh, sockets. This fades when BG somersaults up and reopens the wound. The angel is miffed. More so when BG latches onto his leg and begins to claw violently, tearing strips off the angel. She only drops to the ground, panting and crying, when all that’s left of  the leg is a bloodied bone.]

 

VEGETA: Uh, fuck.

 

[“James” is still unimpressed. The rags of flesh rise up again from the floor like some sort of obscene parody of puppet show. With legs. The first shreds begin to reform, when Vegeta decides enough is enough-]

 

VEGETA: Hmm. Lessee… nitro, check, oxygen, check…

 

[- and assaults “James” with an oxyacetylene welder.]

 

“JAMES”: Oh, fuck…

 

[This ruse soon fails after it appears that the angel can in fact still manipulate the charred remains of his leg, only this time it’s charcoal.]

 

VEGETA: Oh fuck… damn, I’m too scared to make decent dialogue…

 

[“James” turns on Vegeta. Not like that, pervert. As the Saiyan makes a spirited dash for any sort of cover at all, the angel lowers itself from the ceiling and grabs him. A few more blows to the head from Vegeta puts paid to this idea, and “James” retreats, after making several small cuts in Vegetas face. With his teeth.]

 

“JAMES”: Heh… try doing THAT twice…

 

[Vegeta finally makes it to cover, although not without difficulties. Namely: his face has begun to dissolve. Rapidly. The remains of the crew can only watch in horror as Vegeta claws at his face, screaming. This is mercifully quick, as he loses consciousness shortly after, gaping holes in his cheeks…]

 

JESSE: Shit! Our three strongest fighters down! Right…

 

[This does not look good. Still, it gives Team NuRocket an excuse to break out the firearms. They do so.]

 

“JAMES”: Ohshit.

 

[A hail of just about anything ballistic tears into the angel, crippling its wings. As “James” tries desperately to regenerate them, he screams as the flight pinions are totally obliterated. He pirouettes to the ground, turning as he lands  to land on his feet.]

 

“JAMES”: Dammit! Lay off the wings! I may be a minor deity, but I can’t do fucking miracles!

 

SPIKE: But doesn’t that sort of come with the territory?

 

“JAMES”: You have no idea, do you? I’ll tell you later…

 

[Well, he can’t do miracles, but he can sure do some rather effective transmutation. Giving up on the angel idea, the demonthingy crouches. And changes. And screams AGAIN.]

 

“JAMES”: Hoo, boy, lucky I’m a demon and this won’t hurt… but James, well, he’s gonna be in absolute TORMENT… heh heh…

 

JESSE: *strangled sobs* What…?

 

“JAMES”: You heard me. Pipe down, lady…

 

[Once again the ex-angel screams, but this time he begins to change. Squatting on all fours, James’ natural arms mutate into parodies of horse legs, hooves and all. His legs do the same, and a large and muscular but NEVERTHELESS skinless torso bursts out from where James’ head used to be. Another pair of claws rupture from the shoulders of the new form of this, uh, thing, creating a four armed, four legged centaur. With a Mohawk, natch.]

 

SPIKE: You know, the dialogue in this script for the last, ooh, seven pages has mainly consisted of swearwords to break up the large amounts of descriptive tex- SHIT!

 

[Spike leaps away from the charging centaur, as it crashes into a wall, having narrowly missed him. This doesn’t faze it much, but the wall seems annoyed.]

 

JESSE: *sobbing still* James…

 

BG: Hey! That thing said that James would be in absolute torment, didn’t he?

 

JESSE: *glaring* Thanks a lot, that’s REALLY helping…

 

BG: No, I mean that James must still be, uh, in there! Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to suffer, see?

 

JESSE: Uh, and that’s good because? *bursts out* Now it just means we have to kill him at the same time as that bloody demon!

 

WASHU: Not necessarily…

 

[DUM dum dummmmmm… well, we’ll see what happens next in Insipid3, which I’ve j-]

 

JESSE: *aiming pistol* No you fucking don’t, you’ve started this, you’re getting us out of this NOW.

 

[Uh, ok…]

 

JESSE: *turning pistol on Washu* Now, what do you have for us?

 

WASHU: Uh, this. It’s, uh, a demon repellent kit. Look, it’s got all this stuff in it.

 

“JAMES”: Heh, you MUST be kidding…

 

[The recently-formed centaur plucks the kit out from Washu’s hands, and turns his back on the crew, sifting through the stuff.]

 

“JAMES”: Oh my god, you REALLY have to be joking. “Holy water”? Are you mad? *tosses water away, narrowly misses Spike* GARLIC? Bloody hell… ah, finally, some… uh, scraps of paper with Japanese symbols on? Is that what I think it is? It is! You actually got someone to bless a paper doll! Why on EARTH did you do that?

 

WASHU: Welllll… it’s soaked in nitro-glycerine...

 

[As she says this, Washu quickly and ever-so-gracefully manoeuvres herself out of the way of the oncoming jet of liquid titanium shot by a waiting NuRocket member. And, uh, just so you know, titanium has an obscenely high melting point.]

 

“JAMES”: Ohshit.

 

[It strikes “James” in the chest. He seems agitated, natch.  Whilst he screams and billows smoke from the remains of his lungs, Washu and co. line up some sort of large laser…oh, before we do this, lets check who’s still alive…]

 

“JAMES”: AWGH FUCK! AAAAAAARGH! NNAAARGFH! FU’AAAAARGH! *sizzle*

 

[Nice. We have Washu, Cat, Jesse and the NuRockets. Ooh, and Bagpuss Girl. And no, this isn’t a thinly veiled feminine-superiority fic. They didn’t pay me THAT much. We’ve still got Spike.]

 

WASHU: Right… come on, people, aim the fucking thing!

 

[As the remains of James flail around screaming, Washu types things into a keyboard mounted to the side of the laser cannon. A large “fwwwwwwoooooooop” is heard. The thing possessing James can recognise a bad thing when it hears one. The smouldering remains of the centaur, still animated by some malign force, turns towards the cannon. The one eye that still works and hasn’t exploded registers something…]

 

WASHU: C’monc’monc’mon WORK fuckingcomputerfuckingwell WORK… aha, bingo!

 

[The aiming computer takes over, and locks onto “James”. A rather intense pulse of blue light stream out, and hits him right between the eyes. There is an earsplitting, uh, rending noise, and the demons screaming becomes twofold. A final explosion flings the creature up in the air, and James to one side.]

 

JESSE: James! You’re… alive!

 

[Barely. Hardly breathing, his uniform in tatters, with horrific burn marks, one leg completely shredded, and of course huge lesions in his side from all the fucking limbs breaking through his flesh, and his central nervous system shot to pieces due to the cannibalisation of major internal organs for stimulus for cell division  (what, you think those limbs grew from nothing?), James nevertheless is alive.]

 

DEMON: AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiioooooGGHHHHHHH! *slash*

 

[The demon, on the other hand, is the very picture of good health. For a skinless, inside-out Akira-style be-taloned, be-fanged, be-headed creature of darkness.]

 

JESSE: Ohshit.

 

DEMON: *screech*

 

WASHU: Don’t worry! It’s out of its host, you can hurt it!

 

[The NuRocket squad pour yet more firepower into the beast, as the author desperately tries to think of a synonym for “pour” that would fit the context of gunfire]

 

WASHU: If you’re touching some of the stuff it’s made from!

 

ROCKETS: Ah.

 

JESSE: Sorry?

 

CAT: What the hell IS that thing made from?

 

WASHU: Hmm. Well, by the looks of things, uh, venison.

 

CAT: That’s not helping!

 

WASHU: Sorry. Right. It may look like that, but it’s made from some kind of metal, guaranteed.

 

JESSE: Howd’ja know?

 

WASHU: We can sit here and listen to me talk about the possession techniques of various demons, for example Earth, Wind and Fire demons, or we can get on with the fic!

 

SPIKE: Fic.

 

WASHU: Righty…we need a small sample of what the thing is so I can make some in my lab!

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Uh, miss?

 

WASHU: What?

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Isn’t that a bit foolish? Couldn’t we, like, get some of it and share it out instead of spending ages synthesising it?

 

WASHU:…

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: And how the hell do we get a sample if we can’t hurt that bastard?

 

WASHU:…

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Miss?

 

WASHU: Shut up…

 

[The demon is now running around, scared out of, um, well, not its head. Its stump. Still, it can sense things, and probably see. Those eyes set in its shoulders probably help. *cough* bullsquid *cough*]

 

DEMON: *rears, screeches*

 

ALL: Argh!

 

[The creature charges. Luckily, it’s stopped halfway towards the remaining crew by a well placed kick from BG. Stumbling and worried, the demon flees off into the kitchen of the SoL.]

 

CAT: Shit, we just got pizza, as well…

 

[A deafening cry echoes throughout the satellite. The NuRockets pile into the kitchen, followed by the more intelligent crewmembers. The demon is lying on the floor, smoke hissing out from where it touches the puddle of…]

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: Orange juice?

 

WASHU: That’s it! Look! There’s a dark red flame! This thingy is lying in an acid! This creature… it’s Sodium!

 

CAT: Sodium?

 

JESSE: It’s Sodium!

 

[“Soooooodium”]

 

ROCKET GUARD #3: Righty… break those flares in two, get out the contents.

 

JESSE: Got it? Aim… fire.

 

[We see the view from inside of the main living room. Another screech is heard. Then: gunfire. For quite some time. Then a sad little gurgle, and silence]

 

 

[Washu, the Rockets, Spike, Jesse and Bagpuss girl are sitting around the remains of a coffee table, exhausted. The entire room is a mess: blood, ichor, nasty sodium stains, you name it. There isn’t a great deal of room left intact, either: the TV is smashed beyond all recognition, so, uh, it might not be the TV, I dunno.. ahem. The TV is smashed, the sofa is totally wrecked, the hi-fi is in very small sand like pieces, and the coffee table is, naturally, dead. The battered fighters are clutching mugs of tea/Lilt. Finally, Cat speaks.]

 

CAT: Wow.

 

[This amount of conversation appearing to drain her of social needs, Cat continues to stare at her tea growing cold. Jesse has a go.]

 

JESSE: That was weird, wasn’t it?

 

[It fails. Everyone continues to stare at their mugs in an awkward silence. Bagpuss Girl has a go.]

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Reckon things’ll be the same again?

 

JESSE: *snapping* Are you kidding? James is royally fucked over! Look at him! He’s a total mess!

 

BG: *retaliating* Hey! Hey! You’re not the only one who just lost a fucking loved one in that! CG had his entire face sliced off, remember? *breaks down crying*

 

SPIKE: Yeah… *sigh*… and Vegeta’s dead too… what? We were good buddies!

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Oh yeah, and we lost six or seven good Rockets. Although they “obviously” don’t count… *bitter*

 

WASHU: And Ant… *sigh*

 

CAT: And dec… *sigh*

 

[The SoL is a desolate wasteland, to these people. Still, not all bad news…]

 

BG: Wait a second, wasn’t Dec just stricken with indigestion?

 

CAT: Yeah, but he died of it. I don’t know how.

 

[Ah. Well, there’s NO good news. Sorry.]

 

 

[In the rubble of the kitchen, something moves. It screams quietly to itself. It slips in the orange juice and screams quietly again. It gets up again. It slips over again and crashes into the fridge. It claws the front off the fridge, like you would. It turns to face the camera.]

 

DEMON MEWS: Aww, fuck….

 

[The rest of the irish crew emerge from the wormhole. They look around and take stock of their surroundings.]

 

ALL: Aw, fuck…

 

[They amble slowly into the main living room. How Spider ambles is anyone’s guess, but he does it anyway.]

 

CYBERWULF: Hey, who d’ja reckon won, the Rockets or the SoL crew?

 

SPIDER: Ah, probably the Rockets. They all had rather large guns, after all, and body armour.

 

AUIDIENCE: Dude, you’ve been reading to many Unreal Tournament websites.

 

[Sorry.]

 

DEMON MEWS: I reckon da crew won. Dey had dat superhero and his bint, yeah?

 

[A segment of roof falls onto the hapless cat.]

 

DEMON MEWS: Awwgh! Dey had dat superhero and his PARTNER, yeah?

 

[No more roof is forthcoming.]

 

CYBERWULF: Hmm. I dunno who would’ve won, I mean, both sides had important characters, didn’t they? If either side were to win, then some characters would have-

 

[As she says this, they reach the main living room, and see the carnage and the battered remains of the cast sitting and sobbing.]

 

CYBERWULF: *slowly, numbly* -to die…

 

JESSE: You. You…

 

CAT: Them!

 

BG: Thuh… thuh…

 

CYBERWULF: Oh dear.

 

[There is a tense standoff. Jesse finally breaks it by leaping up and hitting Cyberwulf between the eyes with an axe.]

 

JESSE: BASTARD! YOU UTTER BASTARD!

 

[The axe glances off. Hell, she’s 100% titanium reinforced with boron, a wood axe isn’t going to do much. Jesse is restrained by some NuRocket guards, as Cyber tries hard to explain.]

 

CYBER: Hey! Hey! We didn’t know it’d do that to him! Sorry!

 

JESSE: Yeah? Yeah? He’s DEAD now! What possible good could your apology do?

 

BG: Dead?

 

ROCKET GUARD #1: Uh, yes. James passed away a few minutes ago.

 

BG: What? When?

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: When you weren’t looking.

 

[Thump.]

 

SPIDER: We know! We know!

 

CAT: You also are responsible for the deaths of my co-workers.

 

BG: And the complete disfigurement and destruction of my boyfriend.

 

SPIKE: And my best mate.

 

ROCKET GUARD #2: And about six of my mates, and the incapitation of four more.

 

WASHU: And, uh, Ant died.

 

CYBERWULF: Ah.

 

DEMON MEWS: Look, we’re sorry about all this, we can’t even begin to tell you how much. But there’s simply nothing we can do! That’s fics for you!

 

JESSE: *firey eyes* Not this one…

 

CAT: This isn’t a bloody fic! This is part of the SoL timeline! These people are DEAD! This is REALLY HAPPENING!

 

SPIKE: In a fictional sense, naturally.

 

CYBERWULF: I keep telling you, there’s nothing we can do! You’re going to have to cope! I am SORRY, you HAVE to believe me!

 

[Fists clenching in despair, the remaining crew members watch as the Fic Police make their way sadly to the docking bay to steal another spacer.]

 

CAT: Well… that looks like it’s all, then.

 

WASHU: *sniff* Yup.

 

JESSE: James…

 

SPIKE: This place is going to be dull without you people.

 

ALL: Bye…

 

 

[As the crew make their way forlornly to their respective bedrooms, something is heard clattering on the main floor of the living room. It bounces to a halt. Six more things clatter to the ground from the remains of the coffee table, which Cyberwulf was hanging around before.]

 

SPIKE: *depressed* What’s that, then?

 

JESSE: *oblivious* James…

 

WASHU: *saddened* Hey, you… go see what that is, will ya?

ROCKET GUARD #1: Oh, sure, send the bit characters out to investigate the mysterious noises… thanks.

 

CAT: Do it.

 

[The guard makes his way to the living room. The lights are dimmed, to imitate the effects of daylight. And for plot purposes.]

 

RG #1: Shit… it’s too quiet! And there’s rubble everywhere!

 

[He slips over the remains of a chair.]

 

RG #1: Aaaaargh! Shit! *brakabrakabraka* Phew… it’s only a chair…

 

[Another clatter is heard.]

 

RG #1: AAARGH! What the hell IS that?

 

[He determines where the noise is from. The hapless guard slowly makes his way over…]

 

RG #1: Jesus Christ…

 

[Lying on the floor near the coffee table is a ball. A ball about the size of a cricket ball,  coloured gold, completely featureless except for four red stars, and perfectly round, is lying on the floor. Along with six similar balls.]

 

 

RG #1: JESSE! JESSE! HEY, JESSE!

 

[Tearing through the satellite like a crazed greyhound, the rocket guard reaches Jesses room and hammers on the door, getting several odd looks from the two guards guarding her door. Pronouns? Who needs ‘em.]

 

RG #1: JESSE! WAKE UP! I NEED YOU!

 

[Spike sits bolt upright in his bed, a large grin on his face. Grabbing a torch, he gets up to go see what the hell is going on.]

 

SPIKE: *struggling with dressing gown* Heh heh… whatever could that guard mean…

 

GUARDS: Whoa, kid, stop! What’s the big deal?

 

RG #1: Get Jesse up! NOW!

 

[Everyone else is suitably intrigued to get up and find out what’s going on.]

 

WASHU: *appearing round corner* What the hell are you doing, you simpleton?

 

CAT: Will you STOP clamouring for Jesses body and go back to bed?

 

RG #1: What?

 

[Confusion  ensures. Everyone is yelling at once, but they soon quiet down when Jesse slams open the door and screams at them.]

 

JESSE: SHUT THE HELL UP! RIGHT! Rocket Guard #1, WHAT is the big deal? And why do you have those large cricket balls?

 

RG #1: I can’t help the way I was born.

 

JESSE: *glaring* You know what I mean. WHAT DO YOU HAVE THEM FOR?

 

RG #1: *excited* These aren’t cricket balls! Look at them!

 

[He opens his pikachu rucksack. Inside… yup, you guessed it, the seven dragon balls are, well, doing whatever balls do. Lying around, generally.]

 

JESSE: Oh, yippee, some balls. We can play snooker with large balls. Yippideedoo.

 

SPIKE: *frenzied* Hey! Hey! They’re the dragon balls!

 

JESSE: Why the obsession with parts f the male anatomy today?

 

SPIKE: Shurrup! Vegeta had four of these! He was always wanting to find the other three, he said…

 

CAT: So great, we have a full set of Fabergé balls. So what?

 

WASHU: No no no! These things grant any wish you want! They summon some sort of dragon!

 

ROCKET GUARD SIMPLETON: Why would we want a wish?

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: So we can resurrect the people who died today, you cretin!

 

ROCKET GUARD ACTUALLY-NOT-SO-MUCH-OF-A-SIMPLETON: But who can we choose, is my point. We can only bring one person back, can’t we?

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Ah.

 

WASHU: We wish that everyone who died on the satellite today EXCEPT the demon Ng’apraegropillyarlillion gets resurrected! Simplicity!

 

ROCKET GUARD NOT-REALLY-A-SIMPLETON-BUT-NOW-FEELING-VERY-MUCH-LIKE-ONE: Right. How did you know the demons full name?

 

WASHU: I read it somewhere.

 

RG #1: But if you know a demons name, doesn’t that give you the power to control it?

WASHU: Shut up.

 

JESSE: Righty! Get everyone we can into the main room! Go gather those.. those…

 

CAT: *gently* Corpses, Jess..

 

JESSE: *strained* Yeah! Get moving!

 

ROCKETS: Yeah!

 

 

[DUN! Dun dun dun, dun dun dundundun dundundun dun dun dun dun dun dun…]

 

JESSE: What?

[Star wars music.]

 

JESSE: Right.

 

[The crew are assembled in the main room. Privates Adams, Wieteska, “Don’t-Buy-Her-This” (and Captain “Fire extinguisher thief”) are also present. A pentagram is drawn on the floor, for no reason other than if it feels good, do it.]

 

CAT: Ready, everyone?

 

SPIKE: Yup.

 

ROCKETS: Yup.

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Yup.

 

JESSE: Yup.

 

WASHU: Yup.

 

CAT: Lets go..

 

[As they all chant something that I have never heard or spent much time thinking about, a mist begins to convalesce near the ceiling. The mist curls around for a bit, then goes away.]

 

JESSE: What?

 

[The mist reforms outside the SoL, near the large glass observation room. Shen Long is large, remember.]

 

JESSE: Oh.

 

[The chanting reaches a crescendo. There is a big flash, and the sound of a storm. “Ooh, drama”.]

 

WASHU: Hmm. That worked oh so well, didn’t it?

 

SHEN LONG: What is it that you desire?

 

WASHU: AAAAAAARGH!

 

[Outside the SoL is the largest wyrm that you’re likely to imagine. Easily able to coil around the five hundred metre long SoL, Shen Long is MASSIVE. And his head is bigger than a large thing. It’s a bloody fic! Use your imagination!]

 

JESSE: Uh, righty…

 

SHEN LONG: Get a fucking move on, mortal!

 

CAT: We wish for…

 

VOICE: A HOT BABE’S P-

 

SHEN LONG: Bugger off, Oolong, I’m not falling for that again!

 

CAT: *simultaneously* Everyone who died on this satellite in the past two days to be revived and brought back to live, except than demon Ng’apraegropillyarlillion. OK?

 

JESSE: Who the hell was that?

 

SHEN LONG: Sure thing. I take it you mean these guys, so…

 

WASHU: Who the hell was that?

 

SHEN LONG: Shazam and stuff. I’m too old for this…

 

[There is a deafening flash. Yes, you read that correctly. Deafening because it totally numbs all senses except sight and touch, so that the SoL crew don’t try anything with the angels that just appeared to revive the fallen. Angel feathers are used in numerous brands of amphetamines, you know.]

 

SPIKE: *thinks* I think you do lie.

 

[Yup. Um. Look at the angels!]

 

SHEN LONG: Now, I’ll take those balls, otherwise they’ll destroy the walls of the SoL when they shoot off. Bye!

 

[The dragon flies off, and crashes into the Hubble telescope. The angels, in harmony, are singing something. The words can’t be made out, but it sounds nice, anyway. As they hover above the corpses, they get louder, and finally dart down to the bodies and… vanish?]

 

SPIKE: *thinks* Muh?

 

[As the crew watch, the angels are taken in by the recumbent friends on the floor. Their paralysis gone, the crew scamper over to the until-recently dead group on the floor.]

 

JESSE: J.. James?

 

JAMES: Jess..? *cough*

 

WASHU: Shit! We have to get them to a medbay FAST! They may be alive, but they ain’t healed! Is anyone listening to me?

 

[Spike is by Vegeta, and is clasping his hand, whilst Vegeta moans quietly in pain. Bagpuss Girl is nursing CG’s facial lacerations, whilst Cat is testing Dec for hurts. Jesse is holding James’ head up, so he doesn’t choke on, uh, himself, and the rocket guards are being reconciled with each other. Washu meets Ant’s gaze, and gives in.]

 

 

CG: Yeesh… laid low by that… I’ll never live it down…

 

[The superhero duo are sitting on the sofa, watching news bulletins. Captain Greyhound has had his face reconstructed in exactly the same shape as it was before, at the insistence of BG. Perched on an armchair are Dec and Cat, who appear to have gotten over their little problem now that Dec has had some new intestines transplanted in. Spike and Vegeta are crouched at the foot of BG and CG. The face of Vegeta has been fixed, and his damaged brain tissue totally replaced. Luckily, this held his fighting techniques, a part of his brain he can’t use anyway. Washu and Ant are in the kitchen attempting to make pasta, with Ant feeling a lot better from his brush with a beam made from pure antimatter. His chest cavity was reconstructed by Washu and her portable medbay. Jesse and James are still in there. James is clad from head to toe in bandages, as he was completely rebuilt from cloned cells from his heel: the one part of his body that wasn’t almost destroyed. Jesse is holding his cast, and talking quietly to him. The Rocket guards have found a football, and have formed an improptu match in one of the larger bedrooms. All appears to be back to normal.]

 

SPIKE: But of course, it won’t be, will it?

 

VEGETA: Not a chance.

 

[Well, you’re sort of right. Bulma and Yamcha are sorting through everyone’s CD collection, whilst Pu’ar and Oolong play around with the various items in locked cabinets. Being able to turn into a key has its upsides.]

 

ANT: So, uh, what have you two done to get here, then?

 

BULMA: Oh, we were just talking to Shen Long, when BOOM, some dumbfuck created an interdimensional timewarp, which me and Yammy got sucked through.

 

YAMCHA: Uh, Bulma, can you not call me that? In public?

 

BULMA: *playfully* Why, what’s wrong with Yammy, Yammy?

YAMCHA: Grr… *makes barking noise*

 

[As the pair play about, Jesse walks in.]

 

JESSE: Uh, everyone, I’ve got an announcement.

 

[Everyone shuts up.]

 

JESSE: When James has healed, we’re gonna go back to Earth, along with the rest of the rockets…

 

CAT: What? Why?

 

JESSE: Well, I can’t really forgive myself for the double-crossing. But the main reason is that you don’t have a Jacuzzi, and this thing is way to small for, uh, our uses.

 

ANT: Hmm. Right.

 

JAMES: *calling* Jess? The bandages fell off…

 

JESSE: Ooh! That means that you’re healed!

 

ROCKETS: Yay!

 

PU’AR: Hey, I don’t wanna stay here all that much, so I could give you and Oolong a lift back!

 

JESSE: Yeah, thanks, we’ll take you up on that.

 

ROCKETS: Ok guys, lets go!

 

[The crew up and go to the docking bay. Pu’ar morphs into a spacer, and J&J and the rockets take up their seats. Oolong rides up front with the pair, as he’s never one to miss out on the chance for perving…]

 

OOLONG: Indeed.

 

ALL: Bye! Visit us, won’tcha?

 

JESSE: We will! Take care of yourselves!

 

[As the spacer powers up, it takes off. The rockets stand and wave from the back window, and the crew jump and shout until the ship is out of sight.]

 

CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Uh, you know… I should really be getting back t’earth with Koji. We’ve got, uh, plans.

 

BAGPUSS GIRL: Yeah… but we’ll visit! And MST!

 

DEC: Aww… well, been nice knowing you, even if for most of the time we were being attacked by evil things…

 

BG: Likewise. Cya around, people!

 

[CG and BG, being superheroes, do not need air. Besides, they’re getting teleported back home.]

 

WASHU: Well. That’s them gone, too…

 

[The camera pans out. We see Ant, Washu, Dec, Cat, Spike, Vegeta, Bulma and Yamcha standing on the deck of the docking bay. They stare at earth for a while, and turn round, and return to the SoL…]

 

 

That’s the lot, folks. I hope you enjoyed my saga, I sure as hell enjoyed writing it, no matter what I may have said in the square brackets :P. It was fun, really.

So all that’s left to do is the dedications and thanks to be given… so, in no particular order, please give a big hand for:

 

Kate!

Well, maybe I lied about no particular order. This thing is for her website, so I obviously have to thank her for it. Also: for putting up the other parts, for LIKING the other parts, for allowing me to cast her in quite a few parts (Ioa and Bagpuss Girl spring to mind…), and for putting me in her MST special. Oh, and for lending me huge amounts of CDs… *grin*

 

Mike!
For not reading the fics :P! And for not minding about being Captain Greyhound, the most inspired superhero around! And for being a good mate! And for the start of the penguin “incident”!

 

Caz!

For proof reading my fics! For liking them, for cheering me up when I had writers block with a string of pure and utter randomness! And for the immortal quote of “Bunny! Bunnybunnybunny!”

 

Matt!

For sending me the “My days with Jesus” fic! It was good! And for the Cell/Meowmix song video… *convulses in laughter*. And for having such cool cats.

 

Lily Coker!

For being the first person outside of the boards who said that she liked my fics! And for aiding me in pissing off everyone in the cinema when we saw Lord Of The Rings… “Hey, it’s the heshe again!”

 

Alisdar McCorkindale!

For being so random it makes my ears bleed! For also having a fleece which he tries to wear in lessons! For lending me Unreal Tournament! And for being Captain “Fire extinguisher thief”! And for never reading these fics!

 

Lloyd Hopkins!

For having a similar sense of humour, and for being Private “Big Al”!

 

Cyberwulf, the Spider Mastermind, Deaf Nelly and The Demon Mews!

For the title! For the quite simply astounding Ragweek fic! For being hilarious! For churning out huge amounts of fics! For impressing Lily with your work, thus paving the way for mine :P!

 

The MST board members!

You know who you are! For giving me something to do online, besides chat and have random people contact me!

 

My dad!

For never, EVER walking in on me when I’m ficcing! And for telling me that we’re getting a top-o-the-range PC 3 DAYS before it arrives!

 

The Offspring and Greenday!

I’m getting desperate!

 

Lilt and M&M’s!

I’m getting really desperate!

 

If you aren’t on here, get someone to tell me, and I’ll put you on! That’s the end of Insipid. It took me 6 months to do from the SMTV fic to the end of this one, and I loved every minute. Cya, people.

 

 

ME: Hey! My website has just got it’s 500th hit!

KATE: Well done… *has a website with over 5000 hits*

ME: You have a website?

 

And the rest, as they say, is history!

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