[Oh, sorry about the angle brackets… and the sheer unadulterated vileness.]

JESSE: Mwa ha! We’re evil, you cretins! Watch as I shoot this poor little rabbit in the head with a shotgun! *blam*

BRYAN: Fluffkins! No!

JAMES: Yeah! Watch me do it, too! *blam*

CAT: No! Don’t! They have a righ- *sound of more gunfire™*

GIOVANNI: Ha! Well done, my loyal servants! Now! Security! Grab those miscreants!

[The Rocket Suicide Squad march in, along with the heavily armed security guards]

VEGETA: Curse you, Rockets! Look’s like we’re all doomed. Yes, doomed we all are. Doomed! No, I’ve never been in Dad’s army, thanks for asking.

DEC: James! How *could* you? After all we went through together!

JESSE: *sideways glance at James, snapping* What? What is he talking about, James?

JAMES: *embarrassed at these accusations* Uhm, nothing, Jess, nothing at all.

JESSE: Tell me the TRUTH, James!

JAMES: Nothing! Nothing at all!

JESSE: *enraged* WHAT is he talking about, there has to be SOMETHING! *pulls out fan from hidden pocket*

[All the security guards look on in amazement as Jesse berates James about Dec. She is getting very stressed at James, and seems more than a little jealous…]

VEGETA: *motioning for Spike to join him by the side of the room*

SPIKE: *linking him* I thought you’d never ask!

VEGETA: Dammit! No! Or m- no! Listen!

SPIKE: *disappointed* Oh..?

VEGETA: Look… they’re distracted by Decs cunning diversio-

DEC: Yeah… uh, diversion. That’s what it is. A diversion.

SPIKE: *glancing over to him* Ok, right… well, we can sneak out, can’t we?

VEGETA: *blinking* I was about to say we could moon them, but that’s a much better plan.

SPIKE: *shuffling at the thought* Um, yeah, this one’s better…

[Heh… sorry if the entire crew looks closeted, it’s just that it’s so damn funny…]

DEC: What?

SPIKE: What?

CAT: What?

JESSE: What?

VEGETA: Greyhounds? Aww, damn… *everyone turns on him*

[Yes! The greyhounds joke reappears! Mwa ha, no one can stop me etc.]

ANT: Hey, guys! Through the door?

ALL: Aha! Yes!

JESSE: Whaddaya mean, “nothing happened”?

[The remnants of the crew pile out of the door. Inside Giovanni’s office, Jesse has gone, um, slightly berserk with James. Past the mistrust, into relief, and… well, lets just say a crowd never put her off.]

ANT: *peering inside* Hey! Hey! What’s she doin- WHAT is she DOING?

VEGETA: *peering likewise* My, my… *grins* Lucky man, is James!

ANT: *wailing* No! This isn’t right! I’m going back!

[He dives towards the door, and Vegeta and Spike grab him just in time.]

SPIKE: Are you sodding insane? You can’t go back in there! The- what?

[The same scene has just happened with Dec and Cat, with James replacing Jesse.]

DEC/ANT: No! How COULD they? *cries*

VEGETA: Relax! There’s time for that later! C’mon, we have to get out!

CAT: Yeah! Let’s go! I’m feeling perky! What the hell has happened to me?

[She’s feeling perky, because… well, the fic may or may not go all citric on me. I don’t know.]

ANT: Citric?

DEC: Lemon.

[Heh. Anyhow. The crew dart through several doors, and notice something bad…]

GUARDS: Hey! You! Stop!

ANT: Hey, I know you! You’re those rockets that just got stamped on by unit TIO-2334!

[They are. They look pissed off, as if they’ve just found out that their band is shit and they’ve got no friends.]

ROCKET #1: Shuddup! *flings chairs*

SPIKE: No, you are! You’re those incompetents who failed utterly!

ROCKET #2: *grinning* That’s where you’re wrong! *pulls out gun from behind back*

ANT/DEC/CAT/SPIKE: Aargh! A pistol! Damn… pistols are the only guns to kill in films!

[The crew start to draw back slowly]

VEGETA: Hmm. Aha! I have a cunning plan! *strokes chin*

ROCKET #2: Shut it! Now! YOU, get in here, and YOU LOT, you star-

VEGETA: *yelling* Hey, look! An .MPEG of three young Hungarians in a field playing around!

ROCKETS: Where? Where? *dashes off*

[They sprint off in the direction of Vegeta’s hand: the Pokémon stables. However, a nearby doorway is just too tempting, and… ugh.]

VEGETA: *to astonished crew members, grinning* It’s time we started playing the system…

SPIKE: *puff* Why.. the HELL... *pant* do we have to *puff* climb through THESE?

[The intrepid crew are currently in an air vent. Climbing an air vent. They pass a sign saying “Computer Mainframe Room”.]

VEGETA: Look, it’s quite simple. We do all the stereotypical things that all action heroes do, and we win! It’s easy as that!

DEC: Action heroes? By the look of it we’re all comedy sidekicks!

VEGETA: *quickly* No! Don’t think that!

[They climb in silence for a minute or two.]

CAT: Hey, Vegeta?

VEGETA: Yup?

CAT: We’ve just gone past the sign that says “Computer Mainframe Room”. Aren’t we going there?

VEGETA: Yeah, in a minute… first, we’re going through to this room… *grins*

[They pass a sign marked “Armoury”…]

JESSE: *panting* So, you’re SURE that nothing happened between you and Dec?

JAMES: *grinning hugely* No, nothing. Wouldn’t I tell you if there was?

[They help each other with buttons and stuff. They turn around, to leave the room…]

GUARDS: *incredulous stares* …?

GIOVANNI: *blinks*

R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re jealous of Jesse and James!”

JESSE/JAMES: *blushing* Oh, FUC-

VEGETA: -K, that should do it! Now, pull that buckle to remove it, ok?

[Wow. In his spare time, apart from destroying moons and stuff, it transpires that Vegeta has an unhealthy obsession with firearms. Not your bog-standard guns, though… he’s outfitted the entire crew (well, the 4 members left) with hand-picked Rocket Weapons…]

DEC: *shouldering large gas launcher* Whoa.. what does THIS do? *nods towards vast cannon-like thing*

VEGETA: *proud* That, is a bubble launcher!

CAT: *blinks* What? A bubble launcher? That’s it?

VEGETA: Hmm.. don’t think that’s very effective, huh? *hoists weapon* Let’s see…

[An enormous bubble blups out the end of the cannon. This bubble multiplies, and gathers speed. Soon, Cat is surrounded by bubbles.]

CAT: *indistinctly* Um, so?

VEGETA: OK.. here goes! *presses button*

[The bubbles turn in on themselves. This creates a huge vacuum. With Cat in the middle. She is catapulted around seventy feet in the air, and lands on a bed of bubbles. They cascade around her like, well, like bubbles. More importantly, they solidify.]

CAT: What the fu- hey, what the hell have you just done? I can’t feel my legs!

VEGETA: Well, your arms are stuck fast!

[Ant and Dec fall about laughing]

VEGETA: *pleased at his joke* OK, the antidote is... here. And guess what? It’s a weapon, too!

CAT: No! No more weapons! Please!

VEGETA: Relax, all this one does is dissolves bubbles!

[He empties a can of the stuff over Cat.]

CAT: Hey, that smells.. good!

VEGETA: *grinning* Yeah, and it’s irresistible to men! Seriously!

ANT/DEC: Huh? What was that? Eh, never mind… hey, what’s that scent? Wow! *dashes to Cat*

CAT: Stop! No! Please! Don’t! Aaaaaaargh!

[Oh boy.. luckily, before anything happens, Vegeta grabs them both.]

VEGETA: Look. Take these. *holds out two pills that look like Smarties*

ANT/DEC: *gobbles pills*

VEGETA: Right, good. Now you’ll just fantasise about her for weeks after. *stares at camera*

[Hey! Shut it! What are you on about?]

CAT: Argh! Keep them away from me! Except Ant. Um, and Dec. *smiles*

[Meanwhile… Spike has been looking through the rack. He spots two bottles. Naturally, the antidote would be useless if you were fighting Vampires or Saiyans, so they have to have variants for them, as well.]

JAMES: Ok, they’re probably heading towards the Arms Depot, in Fuschia. Hey, are you sniggering?

[He turns to a low-ranking Rocket, who is trying not to burst out laughing.]

JESSE: Is there something AMUSING, Agent Hopkins?

HOPKINS: No, nothing, sir… ma’am… *snigger* I’m just…. *giggle* coughing… badly… *titter*

JAMES: Like hell you are! Look at me, Hopkins!

[Ever since Jesse began to… trust…. James, he’s been a changed man, yesno?]

HOPKINS: Yes, sir… *guffaw*

JAMES: What happened in Giovanni’s office was PERFECTLY ABOVE BOARD, NEVER HAPPENED, and especially DID NOT INVOLVE NUDITY!

HOPKINS: Yes, si- *breaks down laughing*

[The rest of the rocket KillTeam also began to laugh uncontrollably]

JESSE: LOOK! THE NEXT PERSON TO LAUGH WILL BE THROWN OUT! I MEAN THIS!

[The team falls silent. All except for the token big guy at the back, who tries to stifle a snigger.]

JAMES: Right! You! Name and REASON FOR LAUGHING!

BIG GUY: I’m Clint, and I’m laughing because… heh heh… that stupid cat is trying to get our attention!

[A cat meows at the KillTeam from a distance.]

JESSE: Jesus… for gods sake, I’ll get rid of it.

[She walks off into the alley which the cat is meowing from. Meanwhile, James berates the squad he is sharing command of.]

JESSE: *peaking round corner* Here, puss puss puss… we’ve got a nice buckshot shell for you…

[“Meow!”]

JESSE: Aha! Foundja, you… little….. bastard?

[The cat is sitting cross legged on top of a bin.]

MEOWTH: Bout time, ya goof.

DEC: *sniffs* Ohh, what is that HEAVENLY scent, Antony? *grins*

ANT: I don’t know, Declan, do you think it’s coming from… there? *grins*

CAT: *snaps* Shut up! Stop that, you bastards!

[The group clamber out of the air vents, into a large corridor.]

SPIKE: So, where’re we headed now? Any other lil’ side trips we have to make?

VEGETA: You betcha, we have to get a little backup for the port out. Unless you know how to work that weird little gizmo that got us here? Alex died four times, remember?

CAT: *feigns sadness* Oh, yeah… *genuinely concerned now* Hang on, what kind of backup? Are you thinking… cabbits, little dolls, space-pirates and so on?

VEGETA: *grins*

[Meowth is hopping around the Rockets.]

MEOWTH: Did’ja miss me? Did’ja MISS me?

JESSE: *covers face with hands* Yes, yes, we missed you… now WHAT did you have to tell us?

MEOWTH: You know I got promoted, right? To “CO. of the Hordes”?

JAMES: Yes! Now tell us what happened! What the hell are you doing?

[Meowth has clambered up onto James’s head, and is reclining there. Déjà vu?]

MEOWTH: Well, the revolution failed, bigtime! You know when that big mobile suit attacked? And a load of out of context fighters suddenly appeared? *bitterly* Well, guess who came in next…

JESSE: *grinning* Your monsters?

MEOWTH: *sullenly* Yes, my monsters. But! I saw a group of 3D’s hanging around the Rocket HQ after we got wasted! That help you at all?

JAMES: *strokes chin* Hmm… 3D’s… aha! Ant, Dec and Cat! It must be them! Why the hell did we come out here?

JESSE: *stroking James’ chin* Well, Giovanni said to. But… if we can bring back Meowth, he’ll be pleased…

MEOWTH: *hopping around* Can I join ya? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

[James and Jesse look at each other.]

JAMES: Weellllll, I dunno. What’s in it for us?

JESSE: Yeah, you’re dead weight at the moment, we prefer Arbok now.

MEOWTH: Aww, please? Look, I got money! I got magazines! I got tobacco! Just please let me rejoin?

JESSE: *hiding smile* Well… alright, but don’t do anything wrong, or else.

MEOWTH: Aw, thanks! Thank you! *beams*

[The rockets amble back off to their G-Wings. Meowth follows a short distance behind.]

MEOWTH: *to self* Idiots… heh, heh, heh…

[Ant and Dec are crawling along the floor of the prison section of the rocket HQ. In a large cell ahead is Washu, but the entire room is radio, bullet, and laser proof. Unfortunately, the best substance for all of these things in one dissolves in water, so Washu is also guarded by three Rockets at all times.]

ANT: *quietly, to Dec* OK, now you grab his legs and I’ll cover him with that bubble-dissolver.

DEC: *hissing* No! I want to use that machine that turns your clothes inside out with you still in it!

CAT: *signalling to be quiet, crawling up next to them* Shut it! Use the Effervescence Launcher!

[Whilst the guards dose, Ant, Dec and Cat frenziedly set up the Effervescence Launcher. When fires, it projects a huge, virtual image of two gases mixing, in a hypnotic fashion. Simultaneously, a calming voice says “effervescence” repeatedly. The net result is a quite fantastically effective weapon, which almost instantly incapitates anything up to and including a walrus.]

VEGETA: *sees that the 3D’s are ready, steps out from behind the corner* Hey! Rockets! Your mothers suck cocks in gay bars!

[The guards get annoyed. They leap over desks and such, and make a rush for Vegeta. He doesn’t try to stop them.]

GUARDS: *two holding Vegeta, one about to hit him with a lead pipe* So, what were you saying about our mums? *pulls back hand with pipe*

VEGETA: *smug* Well, I think I said… effervescence!

[The Launcher fires up. Ant, Dec and Cat dive for cover as the hypnotic lights and sounds cascade over the guards. Vegeta hasn’t ever looked at anything without sneering, so he’s fine, as is Spike, as he’s, well, um, he’s immune, ok?]

GUARDS: *drooling slightly* Gehh… pwetty…..

[Spike throws a mug of water over the cell door. Washu looks up in surprise.]

SPIKE: So… you’re good with computers?

[Washu blinks.]

[James, Jesse and Meowth come sprinting round the corner of the street, having parked their G-Wings nearby. They dash into Giovanni’s office, with important news… although he’s, ah, busy.]

GIOVANNI: *holding bunny girls in portable Jacuzzi* Hey, Bryan! Get your costu- what the HELL are you doing in here?

JESSE: *pulled up short by this… unexpected sight* Um, sir, we have reason to believe that… JAIYSUS CRIKEY! What the HELL is th- ah.

GIOVANNI: *hides behind loofaah* YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR THIS!

JAMES: Yes, sir, we *swallows* think that the 3D’s are in the building.

GIOVANNI: *screaming* I KNOW! What’s WRONG WITH YOU?

JESSE: Well, sir, you sa-

[The bunny girls begin to panic]

GIOVANNI: GET OUT, NOW!

[The Rockets pile out, except for Giovanni, who piles i-]

CAT: Stop!

[Sorry.]

WASHU: So, where the hell are we going?

[The crew have armed Washu with a variety of weapons. To their surprise, she swiftly improves them, and adds more ammo-capacity, a tighter focusing beam, etc. She is wearing a shirt with the name “Algernon” embroidered in neat cursive letters. Private joke.]

VEGETA: Well, you can stay here and be executed by the rockets for refusing Giovanni, or you can come and live with us on the SoL.

WASHU: The SoL?

[She sits down on the floor of the corridor, and waits.]

SPIKE: Dammit! Get up, you can’t want t- oh, I see your point.

ANT: *smitten* Hey, um, I might stay as well.

WASHU: Eww, no way, creep.

[Washu gets up and begins to catch up with Vegeta, Dec and Cat.]

CAT: *calling back* Nice one, Ant! Quick thinking!

ANT: *staring at patch of ground where Washu sat* Yeah… quick thinking… right.

[The Rockets, including Jesse, James, the security guards, Rockets 1 and 2, and The Rocket Suicide Squad, scamper round the corner of ANOTHER rocket building. A large sign marked “Server Room” is seen fleetingly on the wall.]

R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re chasing a whole gang of gimps! We’re here….”

ROCKETS #1 AND #2: Wuh… wait up! *charging into two conveniently placed big spiky cactuses* Aaaaaargh! You FASCIST!

GUARDS: *muttering* “he’s just one man, we can take him on”… “he’s only got a pistol and an otherwise useless gadget”…. bah.

JESSE: Come on, James! Huh?

[James is having difficulty running. He’s out of puff, as it were. Jesse grabs his arm, à la Holy Matrimony. He looks at Jesse, and…]

ROCKET STORM TROOPER #1: *watching* Aw, sod… not again, this’ll take HOURS!

ROCKET STORM TROOPER #2: *also watching* Gah… they NEVER stop doing this in public, do they?

[A pair of socks lands on R.S.T #1’s head.]

R.S.T #2: Still, you have to admit; they’re not shy about it, are they?

[BTW…you know my fics, you know that if summat like this happens, it turns out that they’re playing Twister or something? Well…]

R.S.T #1: They’re having fully penetrati-

[Shut it! Yes, they are, ok? Plot reasons, and for more interest.]

JESSE: Hey! A bit of privacy?

[Wh… whuh… what? You’re the ones who started t- well, you know, *reddens* in plain public view!]

R.S.T #2: *chiming in* Hey, readers, he means fuc-

[Shuddit! Let’s try to keep some of the more graphic sex scenes and swearing to ourselves, yes?]

JAMES: Yeah, right, that sounds goooooooooooooooooooooooo…*trails off*

[Argh! No! I did NOT want to see that! Please! No more! Stop this now!]

JESSE: But it’s a perfectly normal thing for two consenting adults to do!

[Not two anime adults! *vomits*]

JAMES: *furious* Oh, is there summat WRONG with us now?

[No, it’s just… you’re 2D? And it’s perverse! How many young minds have I- no, YOU warped through this?]

JESSE: *hooking leg round James’s neck* Well, none, really. ‘Sides, we’re only playing Twister…

[Oh, thank god…]

JAMES: *grinning* No we’re not, we’re at it like knives…

[Jesus… *vomits again*]

[Urp. Ahem. The Crew and Washu (hey, that rhymes!) ar-]

EDITOR: Get out, and never come back!

[Sorry! I’ll be good. Anyway, they eventually find the Server room. And an unpleasant surprise.]

VEGETA: Yes! The server room! Finally! Washu, can ya get th- what the HELL?

[There’s someone at the mainframe desk.]

FIGURE: Whu? No! Not you again! I already died 4 times! Go away!

[Cat and Ant and Dec draw together in fear.]

SPIKE: Hang on a goddamn second… you’re not Alex, are ya?

FIGURE: Nope. *glows blue*

ANT: Hey! It’s the Voice Of The Fleece! Hi, Fleece!

FLEECE: Hi, everyone!

VEGETA: Hang on a second… you’ve died 4 times?

FLEECE: Ah. *nods towards SNES emulator running. It’s currently played Mana, and V.O.T.F is stuck fighting Spiky Tiger*

ANT: Hmm. A cheap ploy. I like it.

WASHU: Hey, can we get to the point, please? Jesse and James might be here any second!

R.S.T #1: Bloody hell… they’re still going? It’s been at least four hours now…

R.S.T #2: *watching Jesse and James* Yeah, what the hell are they made of?

[J&J are using a multigym, and pumping iron. Jesse stands up.]

JESSE: Right, that’s enough, lets go get those 3D’s!

R.S.S: “We’re here! We’re qu-“

JAMES: SHUT UP! C’mon, lets go.

[They exit the gym, and shoulder arms. Or arm shoulders. They make their way to the main server room, like they said they would before. Slowly, naturally.]

R.S.T #1: Hey, how come we’re the only ones actually trying to find these gimps, anyway?

R.S.T #2: Yeah, what happened to the other thousands of Rockets and hired guns we have?

[They’re fighting the remnants of that little mobile-suit battle. Unfortunately, a large waprhole has opened up in a broom cupboard, and so vast amounts of just about any nasty creature in existence are warping in for a bit of fun.]

R.S.T #1: You what? They find getting blown to shreds fun?

[No, they’ve opened a singles bar. When you’re destroying the population of worlds, and ripping spines out of virgin antelope and stuff, you don’t meet many chicks. Hence: the bar. The Rockets are actually rebelling, and fighting the die-hard Secretary and her Gundam squad.]

JESSE: *butting in* PARDON? Team Rocket… rebelling?

JAMES: How can this BE?

[Well, they’re disillusioned and depressed, so…]

ROCKET GUNNER: Hey! So what the hell are we doing running around searching for the 3D’s? Why don’t we rebel? I’m out of here!

[Jesse takes aim and shoots his legs off with a discthrower.]

R.G: Argh! What was that for?

JESSE: *eyes blazing* NO ONE is deserting now. You hear me? NO ONE.

JAMES: Yep, you heard her. *chuckles to self* Heh heh… team rocket is dead, long live team rocket…

R.G: Whaaaaaaat? And more importantly: GET ME A DOCTOR!

[Washu is plonked down in front of the main server terminal, and told to get to work.]

VEGETA: *plonking Washu down* G’won, get to work.

WASHU: *hitting keys* Hmm… system diagnostics don’t respond, we’ve got no power to the subservers… and someone’s spilled Lilt in the keyboard.

FLEECE: Sorry.

WASHU: Well, sorry to disappoint, but this computer is screwed. We can’t do a thing with it.

FLEECE: *holding up cable* May I? *plugs in computer*

WASHU: Ah. Well, we’re on now, and leeme see… right, the only time that we can get the best possible signal to the SoL is… um, in about half an hour.

SPIKE: So? Get us there now!

WASHU: Well, ok, if you want… although your limbs may turn up in a totally separate universe.

SPIKE: We’ll wait.

WASHU: Hmm… what the…?

[She hovers the mouse pointer over a file marked SECRET PLANS DO NOT OPEN.DOC]

ANT: Ooh! Open it! Open it!

WASHU: Can’t. It’s got custom encryption algorithms, with a pass keyhole that looks an awful lot like the RNA molecular structure of a… crustacean, of sorts. We need a sample of that exact RNA to synthesise a key to unlock this file…

ALL: Buh?

WASHU: *sighing* We need a bit of a particular crab to get in.

CAT: *thinking* A crustacean, you say? Hmm…

SPIKE: *nursing wounds in face* Awgh, these really hurt…

CAT: *standing up fast* That’s it! There has to be a fishmonger nearby!

WASHU: *chiming in* Or, we could take some of the DNA from the bits of claw in Spike’s face and get an RNA sample from it.

CAT: Weellllll, I preferred my plan, but..

WASHU: Problem is, the extraction takes at least eighty-three days.

ALL: *deflates* Aww…

VEGETA: Hey, look! Someone’s saved it in Rich Text Format, to send it to people without Windows ME. No password needed!

WASHU: Huh? Jesus… why didn’t I think of that?

[Plot reasons.]

WASHU: Righty, I’ll take your word for it. Ok, top secret plans… oh, god…

[The whole story unfurls. Giovanni had commissioned thousands of scientists to work for him on his latest project… Project Eden.]

AUDIENCE: Hey! We know where that’s fro-

[No you don’t. Project Eden was in fact a codename for a huge and evil organism which sucked the souls from its victims… but it was canned, due to lack of resources. So: Project Gethsemane was resurrected… a large, evil, duck like being with the power to destroy hats. It was canned also, for it was lame. Finally… Project Lobsterman was created… a race of half human, half lobsters bred only for warfare. Giovanni twisted the design brief, until they were being bred only for sex. Vile, huh?]

SPIKE: Urgh… but.. one of them TOUCHED me! It TOUCHED ME! I-

[Shuddit. They all died in a mysterious plague. All except one… Codename: “Bryan”…]

ANT: Hey! That’s the secretar-

[S/he was fired. Another project was created, and]

DEC: How many sodding projects are there?

[Lots. This one was called The Project, as it was so important. Sponsored by NASDA, The Proj-]

CAT: *twigging* Oh, ha hah, how original. Gauss Cannon Tiger Tracks, please.

[Shut up! It’s NOT from ANY PC game, ok? The Project was in fact a highly evolved form of…]

WASHU: *reading ahead* What? A highly evolved PIKACHU?

THE PROJECT: *popping up behind Washu* Chuuu!

ALL: AAAAAAARGH!

[Gaze upon it. Then look, as it fails to do anything. Notice how tall it is and how pink it’s nose is.]

WASHU: *reading on* “The Project was in fact a dual entity, one of which was blessed with superchu mental powers, the other one with an ability to ruin any half decent plan…”

THE BRAINS OF THE PROJECT: *waving* Hello, friends.

PINK-NOSED PART OF THE PROJECT: *also waving* Narf.

VEGETA: Argh! Where did YOU come from?

THE BRAINS: Oh, I’m not even sure what species I am any more. My genes have been spliced, we’re la-

PINK-NOSED PROJECT: Zark!

[Ant takes advantage of the attention to The Brains and Pink Nosed, to sit near Washu.]

ANT: So, um, Washu, um, how did you get here?

WASHU: *typing* Beats me, I just woke up here…

[Ant begins to vibrate]

WASHU: *continuing* ..after getting drunk and flashing Giovanni…

[Ant begins to actually move the table now]

WASHU: *oblivious* …..and painting myself with chocolate……

[Ant is giving off steam]

WASHU: *concluding* ….. and hacking his bank account. You?

ANT: Muh… muh… those… those mounds... muh…

WASHU: Oh, you’re the ones who flung those at him? *indicates photo on the wall of Giovanni being buried by a huge wheelbarrow full of compost* My, I really admire people willing to stand up for their beliefs…

ANT: Muh.. muh! Yes, that was us! Well, when I say “us”, of course I really mean “me”, you know how it goes, ha hah ha… *scratches back of head in stereotypical fashion*

WASHU: *eyes narrowing* Even if those beliefs ARE to destroy all scientists in the Rocket facility…

ANT: *blinks*

[Kerlomp, klomp, klomp, klomp, kerlomp, klomp, klomp, klomp…]

ROCKET GUARD #1: Why the HELL do we have to wear these stupid boots? I mean, come on…

ROCKET GUARD #2: And these bloody uniforms… why on EARTH do we wear these?

[Jesse and James are leading a large squad of NuRocket guards down a corridor in the direction of the Server room. Jesse is wearing a full body red PVC suit, and so is James. This disturbs me. The other NuRockets are wearing full body PVC suits, and thighboots. Even the men. To differentiate from Jesse and James, the NuRocket guards suits are completely transparent.]

JESSE: Shut it. You’re gonna wear them, and like it. Damn shame that we’re not allowed to wear them due to our rank… *eyes James*

JAMES: *fending off Jesse* LATER, Jess, later! We’ve got the 3D’s to catch, remember?

GUARDS: And we’re embarrassed to be seen like this! Please! Promote us!

JESSE: *toying with James’ hair* So... we have a loyal gang of well-trained NuRockets, and a large base of operations, and an arsenal of assorted weapons. Anything missing?

JAMES: Well… we have got a.. few minutes to burn, so…

GUARDS: No! Please! Do you have any idea what getting aroused in a full body skin tight totally transparent PVC suit ENTAILS? Please, for the sake of our sanity, don’t!

JESSE: *grinning wickedly* Oh, that’s all part of the fun…

[Oh god… how do they get beyond my control like this? Time to bring them back in line…]

JAMES: *allowing weapons to clatter to floor* So, Jess, what’re you up for toda- ow! Ow god! Stop! Please!

[A large hedgehog has crawled onto Jesse’s lap. Damn shame summat else is trying to do that, too…]

HEDGEHOG: Oi! Lay off, you perverse inhuman fiend!

[Now STOP THAT, and get back to work! You’re supposed to be sticking to the story, and we can’t if you’re peeling off your PVC bodysuits every ten seconds!]

ROCKET GUARD #1: Seventy three minutes, to be precise.

[I don’t care! Now get moving on the story line!]

ROCKETS: We’re so-rry…

[Go! And cover your shame!]

[The crew are positioned around the main server. Washu is typing random stuff into the keyboard, to pass the time. As we zoom into the PC screen, we see that Washu is in fact typing a fanfic. The title… “And Now For Something Considerably Less Demented And A Lot More Insipid Valentines Special!” And yes, this one does exist.]

WASHU: Hmm… ok, CG goes with Bagpuss gir- oh, hello there readers! I didn’t see you for a minute there! *formats hard drive*

VEGETA: Hey, are we nearly gone? How much longer do we have to wait?

THE BRAINS OF THE PROJECT: Around eighty-three point nought nine nine nine nanoclicks. Nope, sorry, that’s about twent-

PINK-NOSED PROJECT: Fifteen minutes, narf!

THE BRAINS OF THE PROJECT: I meant that.

ANT: Oh, um, righty. Hey, Washu, you coming with us?

WASHU: We-ee-ll, someone has to operate the server, so…

ANT: What? No! You can’t stay!

FLEECE: Hey, I’ll do it.

WASHU: *swears*

DEC: Right, well, that’s settled. So, looks like we have to just wait a while to get back to the SoL! And nothing can go wrong. At all.

CAT: You betcha.

SPIKE: Right.

WASHU: Yeah.

ANT: Indeedy doo.

VEGETA: You’re right there.

PROJECTS: Definitely/Narf!

[Of course.]

FLEECE: Certainly.

[Outside the door…]

JESSE: Ready? Go! Go! Go! Up a bit! Left!

[For the love of god… quit it! Stop now! Dress again!]

JAMES: Sorry. OK, ready to go in?

JESSE: Ready when you are, lover!

JAMES: No, not yet! Calm yourself!

GUARDS: Hey! Guys! Get a room! With a vibrating bed, á la the Sims.

[GET ON WITH IT!]

JESSE: Ok… go! Charge through that do-

GUARD: It’s open.

[The rocket squad bursts into the door, seriously surprising the Fleece.]

ROCKET GUARD #1: Aw, fuck! We missed them, due to your ill-advised coitus!

ROCKET GUARD #2: Yeah! We could have got them! But noooooooo…..

JESSE: Shut up! Hey! YOU!

[The Fleece tries to hide under a table.]

JAMES: What the HELL did you do with them? Where are they?

JESSE: Look! Here!

FLEECE: *gulp*

JAMES: Trying to hide the little bastards, are ya? Right…

[He pulls a large plate of Pringles from under a desk. Outside, a crow knocks over a huge stack of tubes, á la the advert. Minus the crow. Oh, forget it.]

JESSE: *munching* So… since when did they have Pasta Pringles? Eh, forget it.

JAMES: Oh, they brought them out after the Curry ones sold out for being far too nice.

GUARD #1: Um, guys?

GUARD #2: The 3D’s? And how come you’re not face-deep in each other by now?

JAMES: Good question. *reaches over*

JESSE: Mmm, you’re s-

GUARD #1: Stop! Stop now! Right, Fleece, we’re searching for the 3D’s you sent through a dimension portal. Tell us where they are.

FLEECE: Never!

GUARD #2: We’ll do this at you! *places foot on table á la Mr Hand*

FLEECE: NO! Please! NO! NAAAAAAGFH! *bubbles*

GUARD #1: And we’ll make you watch them at it like KNIVES….

FLEECE: OK! OK! I sent them back to the SoL! Happy? Please let me die…

RANDOM ROCKET MEMBER: Transport us there! Now!

[Oh come on, that’s just cruel… stop this, please.]

FLEECE: Yeah, for the love of god, sto-o-oppp…

[The Fleece goes over to the controls. The Rockets assemble in the transporter circle, except Jesse and James who are dragged over by their legs.]

FLEECE: Ready? This may take some time… you’ll feel a short jolt, and you’ll arrive about fifteen minutes after the others, for plot purposes. OK?

GUARD SPOKESMAN: Check.

SUICIDE SQUAD SPOKESMAN: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’re ready for a traumatic and possibly fatal matter transferral procedure that will almost certainly fuse us all into one gigantic protoplasmic blob were this real life!”

ROCKET KILLTEAM SPOKESMAN: Whatever.

J&J: Mmmmmfff mmfmffff… *moan*

[Ok, ok, it’s sick and vile, but funny, ok?]

FLEECE: Ok, ready? Here we go… fivvveeeeeee, fouurrrrrrrrrrrrrr, threeeeeeeeeeee, twooooooooooooo, onnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…….

[Meanwhile, on the SoL, Ant has a strange urge to dance.]

FLEECE: And… ok, problem, there’s a horrifically bad shortage of bandwidth. Looks like… nope, nope, you’re ok. Bye!

[The entire rocket squad disappear with a resounding FFYYOOOOOOOMP!]

[Meanwhile, in the SoL…]

CAT: We’re hooooooooome!

[Cat flings herself on the sofa, Dec flings himself on Ca-]

CAT: Rewrite this script immediately.

[Cat flings herself on the sofa, whilst Ant and Dec run screaming in joy to their respective bedrooms. Vegeta, grinning madly, goes to the kitchen to prepare a bananary snack. Spike grabs the latest issue of White Dwarf (hey, it’s subliminal advertising, and I just paint them, ok?) and retreats to his bedroom to switch on the CD player. Washu sets up camp in the somehow completely disregarded laboratory that the crew somehow missed. Cat flicks on the TV.]

TV: “And now, we bring you LIVE coverage of the days events in Kyoto. Seven miscreants were seen wandering the woods today, provoking large monsters into fighting them, with the aid of these people…

CAT: Hey! Everyone! Look at this! It’s Captain Greyhound and Bagpuss Girl! And, um, someone else!

VEGETA: Wow, that’s quite a good photo of them… who IS that gimp in the middle?

SPIKE: I dunno, probably just some vagrant they’re quizzing for information.

[Thanks a lot.]

TV: “The vagrant in the middle was later found dead. The other two heroes are still at large. Police are advising that people stay at home and do nothing. Ever. That way no crimes get committed.”

ANT: Makes sense, I guess…

TV: “Also, there was a large cataclysmic battle at Rocket HQ in Saffron today. Large groups of Rockets were seen heading away from the HQ, as it collapsed in flames. Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, was not available for comment. Eye-witness accounts say that he’s “Holed up in his escape pod fucking that bloody lobster”.

SPIKE: *shudders* Eew… it touched me…

TV: “And we have conformation of survivors in the computer labs! Here is the main technician of the Rocket Mainframe System, um, what’s your name?

WASHU: Hey! That little gimp! He’s only a technician!

FLEECE: *onscreen* “Bob. Bob Fleece.”

REPORTER: So, um, Bob, can you give us a description of what happened? Other than your first statement of you, um, “heroically destroying all who threatened my life with extreme prejudice and skill and heroism”?

FLEECE: No.

REPORTER: Um, ok. We now cut LIVE, to an anomalous transmission we picked up moments ago… ok, it’s in binary. We’re streaming this through a radio for ease of hearing… ok, here we go, five, four, three, two.. one…

ANT: Hey! No! Wh-why am I dancing? Help!

[They ignore the madly flailing Ant, and instead listen to the anomalous broadcast.]

BROADCAST: kkkrrrssshhkkkkTTTTtssskkERE, we’re QUEER, we’re Rkkkkkshhhhhhrktlrksrtttlllllll blloot. READY TO LAY DOWN OUR LIVES, we’hhhggkkkkk splooot.

SPIKE: No! That’s…

REPORTER: *onscreen* The warcry of the famed Nurocket Suicide Squad! Hang on, we can hear another, fainter transmission… hold on, we’re patching you through… five, four, three…

ANT: *flailing wildly* Please! Someone restrain me! Please!

OTHER BROADCAST: krrshshhhkkk-oh captain greyhound, you’re s- krsghajksdgajkshhhhhhh *ploot* oooooooooh, that’s the stuff-fklfhdhhhhhhhhhhhhh *crackle* so, what’re you doing next we kkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkk *silence*

CAT: Hey! That’s Bagpuss Girl!

[The sounds of repeated hammer blows and “EMUPHILE! SAY IT!” are heard from the cell of the author.]

VEGETA: Hang on.. the only time we ever hear about those two is when we get into a fight. And if the NuRocket Suicide Squad are being teleported somewhere…

CAT: They must be coming…

DEC: HERE!

[The crew all look at each other.]

ALL: FUCK!

[Meanwhile, in the main storage bay of the SoL, there is a sudden surge of electricity. A rat stares quizzically at a wall for some time, then goes back to staring quizzically at it’s own tail. There is a large *ping*, and the NuRocket Suicide Squad materialise. The guards and KillTeam unfortunately had a nasty accident, and they’re currently elsewhere….]

GUARDS: *nervously eyeing hordes of Alien Grunts* Um, gulp.

[An observing man straightens his tie, and leaves. The screen fades to blac- hang on, I’m getting interference in the fics. There. That should do it.]

MAN: Quite a nasty piece of work you pulled off here. I am impressed!

[Shut up! Stop putting subliminal references in!]

NIHALANTH: Subliminal?

[Fuck off! All of you! *snaps fingers*]

SCIENTIST: Have I really been that much of a burden?

[Ahem. Sorry. Damn Half Life. As any moron can tell you, Unreal Torny is much better. Anyway, the NuRockets surface in the storage bay of the SoL. “Lets roll!”]

JAMES: Ok squad! Lets roll!

ROCKET GUARD #1: *looking at self* Didn’t we all die?

[No.]

RG #1: OK. Well, sir, we’re in trouble. There’s a… complication.

JAMES: Such as?

RG #2: There’s… *dramatic pause* a rabbit there.

JAMES: A rabbit?

RG #1: A *big* rabbit! You can’t go in there!

JAMES: *suspiciously* In where?

RG #2: Oh, sorry. In that big room marked “big cuddly rabbits and ponies”.

JESSE: It’s a trap!

JAMES: No it isn’t! Look, I’ll go in!

[He peers through the window… inside are a large group of rabbits lolloping around.]

JESSE: Right. You! In!

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: Huh? Um, me?

JAMES: Yeah! Get in that door!

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: Um… uh, no?

JAMES: DO IT!

ROCKET GUARD: SIR YES SIR! I WILL GO AND ABUSE THE RABBITS YES SIR! God, you’re sick.

[She enters the room… the door slams shut. Rabbits pour from concealed hatches, running around in a display of cuteness. The holoprojecters on the walls project an image of green fields, and the rocket guard falls to her knees, overcome.]

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: *gibbers* Bunny! Bunnybunnybunny!

ROCKET GUARD #1: Sir, I’m sorry to report that we just lost Private Adams…

[Sorry, I couldn’t resist this little set-piece]

FEMALE ROCKET GUARD: *crazed* Heh heh heh… bunnies… bunniesbunniesbunnies… yeeeeeeeeeeeee!

JESSE: Onwards! Through the other door!

ROCKET GUARD #2: Wait a second! You just sent Private Adams into that room for no reason!

[The sound of crazed rantings about bunnies is heard. Eh, she’s happy.]

JESSE: I know.

CAT: OK… when’re they expected? We have to produce at least five hundred hand grenades to stave them off! And a whole load of 9mm!

VEGETA: Cat, you will notice that we currently have, in our arsenal, three small sticks and a firework. We haven’t a chance.

DEC: But what are we gonna do? They’ll *kill* us!

ANT: No they won’t, this room’s sealed shut.

[Indeed. The main room of the SoL has been completely sealed off from the outside. Big, massive, huge steel bulkheads have been lowered from the ceiling. The, uh, downside, is that this room is the MST theatre.]

SPIKE: What? No! NO! Open the DOORS!

[As the crew begin to pound on the bulkheads, the credit sequence begins on a movie…]

Attack Of The Giant Plastic Vegetables…

“Aaaargh!” screamed Brock. The turnips had been easily dealt with, and his Vupix had slaughtered the carrots. The aub-

WASHU: No! Stop!

[She waves a small gizmo around, and the movie stops.]

WASHU: Heh, a remote control that works with anythi- what?

[The crew notice the distinct lack of any oxygen. With a vengence.]

SPIKE: Wait a second, why do I care? I don’t breathe!

[Vegeta does.]

SPIKE: Washu! Get the oxygen turbines online now! I, uh, like air.

[Washu does so.]

ANT: *gasp* Uhh… air! Washu! How can I ever thank you? I’ll do *anything*!

WASHU: Back off, creep. Ok, lets head up to the main living room, my traps should keep those NuRockets occupied.

DEC: Uh, do you not think that going to the space docks and loading up on mining lasers would be more… prudent?

WASHU: Don’t tell me how to do my job, monkeyboy, you quit yours.

[Squabbling, the crew make their way to the SoL main chamber…]

[Yeesh. 15 NuRocket guards left, all have somehow found some appropriate uniforms. And J&J keep their red PVC thing. They scare me. One of the guards is going slightly berserk…please-don’t-hurt-me-she-asked-me-to-put-you-in…]

PRIVATE WIETESKA: No! I’m going in after her!

PRIVATE “CORPSE”: Are you mad, boy? You’ll be overwhelmed!

PRIVATE “BIG AL”: Yeah, you can’t go in! Look! She’s happy!

PRIVATE WIETESKA: Shuddup! You can’t stop me!

[They scuffle for a while.]

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THIEF”: *squinting through monocle* What is the meaning of theees?

[Private Wieteska takes advantage of the lull to fling himself through the.. uh, bulkhead. Look, it opened for a second, ok?]

PRIVATE “CORPSE”: Oh hell…

[The three watch for a while through the observation window. Private Wieteska makes his way over to Private Adams in a heroic display of braver-]

PRIVATE WIETESKA: *faintly, through glass* No.. must… be.. strong… must… ruh… rabb.. rabbit… bunny! Bunnybunnybunny! *gibbers, joins Private Adams*

THE WHOLE WORLD: Jesus, laying it on a bit thick, are we?

[I have to show that it’s not just a cameo! Anyway, he makes his way over to Private Adams in a heroic display of bravery, but is dragged down by the rabbits…]

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THIEF”: Oh dear.

[The group is silent. The captain removes his helmet.]

CAPTAIN YOU KNOW THE REST: Today we mourn the, uh, incapitation of two fine NuRockets. They di- uh, got distracted, as they lived: surrounded by lots of rabbits and with each other.

THE WHOLE WORLD: Ok, I refuse to read any more. This is flagrant praise-angling…

[Shut it!]

JESSE: What? What’s happened!

JAMES: OK, great, we have 13 more rockets… out of three whole battalions!

ROCKET GUARD #1: Uh, sir, three battalions is only fifteen.

[The SoL crew are watching the action on the security monitors Washu set up over the trap rooms. They’re all on the sofa, watching it on the insanely large TV screen. They appear to be… MSTing the action?]

VEGETA: (as King Aurthur) What? That’s the legendary beast? You have to b- aargh!

[Ant is, naturally, next to Washu. She appears to have stopped struggling so violently with him, mainly because he just does not give up. Still, she looks relatively non-disgusted…]

JESSE: Onwards!

[The 13 strong band of brothers make their way cautiously down a corridor. J&J are at the rear.]

ROCKET GUARD #1: *to Jesse* Hey, uh, there’s a big room up ahead. This does not bode well.

ROCKET GUARD #2: Uh, this doesn’t look good at all. There’s a big bucket above the door.

[They cautiously prise open the door with a RocketPole. ‘Tis a franchise, ok? The bucket falls to the ground, spilling a highly normal liquid on the ground.]

JESSE: *sniffing* Fish oil?

ROCKET GUARD #2: Uh, no, sorry, I haven’t been able to shower in quite some time. That’s vinegar.

JESSE: Ah. Well, through we go.

[What they don’t know is that the only gun turret they could find on the SoL has a sensor that detects noises above a certain level: bucketfall being one of them.]

ROCKET GUARD #1: Ok, sirs, looks like there’s nothing of any note in this r- GET OUT! MOVE! MOVE!

GUN TURRET: *whirrrrrrrrrrr….. blup…. BRAKABRAKABRAKA*

JESSE: SHIT! Move out! Get the shields up front!

JAMES: Uh, Jess, that’s not a machine gun.

[The BRAKABRAKABRAKA was in fact the sound of bubble canisters being cracked open. Yes, bubbles.]

JESSE: Bubbles?

JAMES: BUBBLES! *he dives for cover, dragging Jesse and Meowth, who the author had forgotten about for a bit, behind the doorway*

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THEIF”: Argh! *splottasplottasplott* I… I can’t move!

[The Captain is stood in the doorway, absorbing the full blast of the cannon. He can’t do owt else.]

GUN TURRET: *splottsplottsplott… splott… splott… splo.. splfff…* “Thank you for using the Desolator Automatic Defence systems Bubblelauncher. For any accidents, please use canisters attached to side, and coat liberally. Thank you for using the Desolator Automatic Defence System. For any…”

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THEIF”: Please! Use it! My arm itches!

[One of the guards starts towards the cannon.]

JESSE: No! Wait! That stuff… don’t you remember the Arms course we had?

JAMES: Yeah! It makes you irresistible to the opposite sex!

[God I wish that existed… did I say that out loud?]

PRIVATE “DON’T BUY HER THIS”: Damn. Looks like I’d better stay behind and, ah, administer it to him…

JAMES: Ok, if you want. Join up later, ok?

CAPTAIN “FIRE EXTINGUISHER THIEF”: Wuh? Huh?

[As the remaining NuRockets make their way through the large storeroom, Private “Don’t Buy Her This” dabs some of the antidote behind her ears, and turns to the captain…]

JAMES: Dammit, eleven left!

[Movement is heard.]

[Back at the SoL living room…]

DEC: Hey, if you didn’t know, that’s Becky, Corkie’s girlfriend. Well, you’ll have to get the details off Leader, as I haven’t met her yet. Wonder why…

[Cat slaps Dec]

CAT: Dec, are you ok? You went a bit odd there!

DEC: Ah, sorry… wasn’t feeling myself…

CAT: I didn’t say you we- oh, sorry, I get it.

[Besides, I did meet her in the course of writing this fic. She’s very nice.]

JESSE: Run! Run away! Run away away away!

[The rockets have entered a large hangar. God knows what it’s doing in the SoL, but the security bot ain’t too pleased.]

SECURITY ROBOT: *in robot language* Come back! I haven’t spoken to anyone in years!

*in perceived language* SPREEBLE! KERPLONMK! ZOINK! KEEEEEL!

JAMES: Flee!

[Poor thing. Anyway, sod it, as it gets destroyed by a rocket bazooka.]

GREENPEACE: Hey!

[It’s metal. Shut up. The rockets walk through the hangar, in wary silence. A small movement catches their eye, but is swiftly gone. The rockets draw together.]

PRIVATE “CORPSE”: I don’t like it… it’s too quiet.

[Behind a crate, a radar dish picks up the sound. A LCD display lights up.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 1

A small crate begins to self unpack.]

PRIVATE “BIG AL”: If I die… don’t bury me here.

[The radar dish catches this.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 2. ONE MORE CLICHÉ REQUIRED FOR REBOOT.

It swivels more.]

LIEUTENANT “POTTER”: A stitch in time saves nine. Why did I say that?

[Radar dish time!

CLICHÉ COUNT: 3. AUTO REBOOT: ENGAGED

And, uh, something happens.]

JAMES: Hey, what the hell is that?

[A large whirring is heard from the crate. Then a sharp yelp. Then a mechanical sound. The NuRockets stand around, dumbfounded.]

JESSE: Hmm. Right, Privates “Corpse” and “Big Al”! Go check it out!

[The two NuRocket guards edge to the crate with, well, an edge of edginess. Private “Big Al” gingerly removes the tarpaulin from the crate, and peers inside. Inside, two red eyes are seen gleaming.]

PRIVATE “BIG AL”: What the fu-

[A large cybernetic wolf lunges out from the crate, and locks it’s jaws around the Rocket’s throat. Simultaneously, a massive brain on eight mechanical legs breaks out from behind a storage crate, and begins to sow chaingun fire into the midst of the NuRocket gang.]

JESSE: AAARGH! GET IT!

[Several rounds of ammunition go “bad-ING” off the wolf’s hide, as it finishes off Lloy- ah, Private “Big Al”, and leaps over to the largest group of rockets. The Spider is not doing so well, and is suffering under a few bazooka blasts from Lieutenant “Potter”. However, a couple of thousand chaingun rounds soon put a stop to that.]

JAMES: We’re being slaughtered! Retreat!

[The NuRockets leg it out of the hangar. Their losses: four privates, and Lieutenant “Potter”. As the survivors lie panting on the ground, and Jesse and James lie panting on top of each other, the battered remains of the group swear a lot. Until..]

ROCKET GUARD #1: Hey, hang on! Why the hell haven’t they followed us in here?

[The pair of mechanical, uh, machines move up to answer.]

JESSE: Ready? Fire!

CYBERNETIC WOLF LIKE BEING: Hey, watch it with those!

[A small but perfectly aimed laser from the wolf’s eye destroys the bullet inside Jesses gun, causing a major misfire.]

SPIDERY MASTERMINDY THING: And next one to fire gets this.. *spins chaingun*

ROCKET GUARD #2: Wuh… whu… why the HELL did you just attack us?

CYBERWULF: Oh, we’ve been watching you lot. We had an agent with you the whole time.

SPIDER MASTERMIND: Yo, Demon Mews, ya can come back to us now.

[“Meowth” hops down from yet another crate, and joins the metallic pair.]

JESSE: SO WHY DID YOU TRY TO KILL US?

DEMON MEWS: Oh, we had ta make sure that the last baddle was a fair un’, otherwise it’d be stoopid.

[And they’re right, the remaining rockets are now Jesse, James, and six Privates.]

ROCKET GUARD #3: Hey, you killed Rocket Guard #2! That means I’m promoted! Thanks!

CYBERWULF: No probs. Now go on, you’ve gotta get through the main doors to the living room. Use this… *gestures with paw*

[A chest appears.]

JESSE: Cool, uh, thanks. What the hell is it?

SPIDER MASTERMIND: Open it!

[James makes his way over to the chest. He prises the lid off, and lifts out a bracelet. For some reason, it floats some feet above his head until he declares what it is.]

DEMON MEWS: It ain’t a bracelet, relax. Put it on.

JAMES: Surely you jest.

JESSE: *chewing hair* Do it, James.

JAMES: Meh.

[He puts the bracelet on. It glows mauve.]

SPIDER MASTERMIND: OK, now point it at that bulkhead and chant… ahem… “Badoommmm!”.

JAMES: Like I just said. Surely, you jest.

JESSE: Just do it! *snatches bracelet and puts it on. It glows orange.*

[The robotic duo and the cat look rather taken aback at this.]

JESSE: Ok… “Badoommmm!”, is it?

CYBERWULF: No! Don’t do th-

[As Jesse chants, a large orange cloud gathers around her. It coalesces into the bracelet, and…]

SPIDER MASTERMIND: Oh shit.

[A huge bolt of energy flies out of the bracelet. Into Jesse.]

DEMON MEWS: Fuck! That’s the bracelet taking more energy! It only does this with a few people!

[Cut to Scott and Aoi in a cell somewhere, with numerous identical bracelets and a sadistic jailer telling them to “Charge them up!”]

JESSE: Oh god… that felt.. uh, what?

[Jesse is standing up. Whilst lying down.]

CYBERWULF: Now that’s just bloody great. Her astral projection has come out to play. It’ll be back in her body in about six hours, but now… well, you have to live with it. What the bracelet drains is your psyche’s power of surrealism, and it forces out your actual mind whilst doing this. And, uh, when it tries to get it back in, sometimes it forgets bits.

JESSE’S PROJECTION: You what? I’m Jesse! That’s the imposter!

JESSE: *groggily* Oh, shut up, you little.. uh, wow! Goddess!

JESSE’S PROJECTION: Uh, sorry? Wh- wow! Who’re YOU?

JESSE: *coyly* Me? I’m Jesse! Who’re you?

[This goes on for quite some time.]

JAMES: Uh, much as the idea of a threesome with two Jesse’s seems ni