VEGETA: Great! You decided to greet them, and hopefully beat them to a bloody pulp.
[Spike is elected to make an appearance to the group. He is naturally annoyed, but the group have pencils. Lots of pencils.]
SPIKE: *grumbling, then shaping up* Righty. Oi! Bastards!
[Cat clamps her hand over his mouth. Clever girl.]
CAT: Shut it! *Mmpph! Mpphh!* Hey, you! You big group of people! *mmmfffffastards mfffffff* Over here! We wanna chat!
[Not particularly clever, izzit?]
LEADER OF BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH LEADER HIMSELF: Hi!
[Yes! Another huge name with small lines!]
CAT: Hey, you guys seem to know what’s going on here. Why have all the Pokémon gone mental? Why the hell is everyone in 2D?
2D: Hey! This jokes old!
[He is ignored, and he then proceeds to play the synthesiser perfectly despite having NO EYES. And how can he graffiti with no ocular activity?]
2D: I just do. Shut up.
HEAD DUDE (I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TYPING OUT HER LONG NAME): Well, we *could* tell you…..
ANT: Yes?
HEAD DUDE: But then we’d have to kill you.
ALL: *nervously* Uh huh?
HEAD DUDE: *laughing* No, no, just kidding. We’ll tell you, sure. But first up, can you explain this?
[The sleeping bag is upturned. A large shape falls out. It groans. They all stare in disbelief.]
JESSE: *breaking the silence* Um… what?
JAMES: That’s…
DEC: It is! Looking bad, though.
HEAD DUDE: Well? Any ideas?
SPIKE: Yeah. Where in all of the fucking planet did you get hold of Super Play issue one?
VEGETA: That’s worth a mint! If it’s in mint condition, that is. Which this isn’t.
CAT: Why did it groan?
DEC: Oh, that’s the groan tube next to it. *he picks it up and swings it around. It goes “ooooooowwwwweeeeeeooooooooooo, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwweweeeeeo”*
CAT: And the largeness?
OTHER DUDE: *raises hand* Yeah, sorry, couldn’t be bothered carrying my tent.
[Phew. Oh my, what a surprise. A sleeping bag contains completely different things to what was though to be in it. How hilariou-]
EVIL HEAD DUDE: Charge!
[Shit! A large group of heavily armed people, mostly 3D but a few in paper-mode, break cover and charge the group of good dudes. Dude.]
GOOD HEAD DUDE. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT SHE GIVES GOOD HEAD. IT IS A MEASURE OF HER ALIGNMENT, OK?: Oh no!
[Again we see “irony”.]
VEGETA: Hah! I could easily stop these guys, but… hang on, I can’t. Oh damn. It looks like I’ve forgotten how to do those gigantic fireballs.
[Convenient, huh?]
JESSE: Stay!
ANT: Run!
LARGE TASER WEILDING DEVIANT: Stun!
[He does so. Scratch Jesse and Ant off your little scoreboards.]
CAT: Damn! We just lost them! Form a squar… who were they again?
JAMES: Isn’t it funny how QUICKLY WE FORGET PEOPLE WHO DIE OR BECOME INCAPITATED?
CAT: Yeah. Argh! Look out!
[A large man with a machete swings it in James’s direction. He misses, but in accordance with universal law, he cuts off a few hairs from the top of his head.]
JAMES: Watch the hair! Watch the hair!
[Anyone played Final Fantasy III? No?]
MOG: Kupi! He means me!
ALL: Die!
LARGE MAN WITH MACHETE: *coughs*
JAMES: Oh, sorry. AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
LARGE MAN WITH MACHETE: Thanks. *swings machete*
[Lucky for James, he was accidentally hit with the side of the blade, knocking him out. Completely ignoring the fact that a blow to the skull strong enough to knock someone out is very very close to the force required to cause extreme collateral damage and break the skull. Dude.]
CAT: No! They got James!
[She shrugs, instantly forgetting his name.]
BIZARRE KUNG FU WOMAN: Wooooooooooooohhh haaa!
CAT: Phew, at least I get knocked out as opposed to maimed.
[She is so. Thwack, blatt, ooh, you’re so supple etc.]
DEC: Huh?
LARGE MALLET WIELDING PERSON: I dunno. *swings*
DEC: *ducking wildly, remembering that he doesn’t have to* Supple?
MALLET GUY: *swinging again* Dunno, probably some kind of weird in joke.
DEC: *diving wildly* Could be, or could just be some kind of reference to K-
[Mallet Dude finally gets a direct hit.]
DEC: *slumping*-eith Chegwin.
[Hah! Gotcha! Anyway…]
SPIKE: Arggh!
[Spike is having problems. What with the chip, his survival strategy consists of running away and hiding up a tree. The M60 wielding Evil Dudes are not too impressed.]
EVIL DUDE #1: Die!
EVIL DUDE #2: Yeah!
SOLDIER #347: Likewise! Damn, that’s a pot plant.
SPIKE: No! Bugger off! Kill them! They bleed!
EVIL DUDE #2: Oh? Red blood on paisley uniforms? That won’t do!
EVIL DUDE #1: I beg your pardon? That was last seasons colours! You wore them to the passing-out ball in Evil College!
EVIL DUDE #2: You liar! Liar! Liar! Pa-
SPIKE: DON’T! Do NOT say that. I’ll just leave you to it, ok?
EVIL DUDES: *remembering themselves, suddenly gruff* No, you get back THERE right NOW or we’ll MAKE this more PAINFUL than it NEEDS TO BE.
VEGETA: *does “air quotes”* Oh? REALLY? Is that SO?
EVIL DUDES: Right! *chink-chink as M60 is cocked*
SPIKE: *grins*
VEGETA: Dammit, Spike, this is SERIOUS! Well, looks like we’re dead, so there’s something I have to tell y-
[Oh. Damn. Things look bad for the MST crew. Will they survive? Tune in next tim-]
ALL: Oi! Stop that right now! Get back on track! We want more!
[Suddenly, their masks are removed to reveal robots!]
THE REAL ALL: *tied up in a basement somewhere* No! Make it stop!
[Yeah? Well, all I can sa-]
CAPTAIN GREYHOUND: Aha! Here to save the day I am! Yoda is who?
[Argh. No… not again…]
LARGE SCARY PINK CAT WOMAN: And me too! Note how I am not a sidekick in any way shape or form! Jiminy jillikers! *clamps hand over mouth*
[No… will to live… draining…]
ALL 20 EVIL DUDES: Oh yeah? Want some, do ya? (no, RED goes with WARM colours, you muppet!)
THE SUPERHEROES: Aha! Only 20!
EVIL DUDES: We’re heavily armed.
THE SUPERHEROES: Oh no! 20!
VOICE: Yipi-ki-ya, motherfuckers!
[A huge amount of heavily armed good dudes burst from the cover of the bushes, accompanied by what appears to be a large metal Dreadnought. Dreadnought?]
GOOD LEADER. NOT “GOOD LEADER” AS IN WHAT HE IS CALLED WHEN HE IS A GOOD LITTLE SUBSERVIENT, BUT LEADER OF THE GOOD ACTIVIST GROUP: Die!
ALL: END THE NEEDLESSLY LONG NAMES!
[No! They will stay!]
GOOD DUDES: Haha, an excuse to use our ridiculously overpowered assault rifles!
[Brakabrakabraka etc. all evil dudes die. If you wanna go wild and write this bit for me, go ahead. Send it me, and I’ll include it and praise you as a god.]
DREADNOUGHT: Heh… take this, evil figments of the reader’s imagination!
JESSE: *barely conscious* Hang on, I know that stupid humour anywhere!
DREADNOUGHT: Huh?
JESSE: You! Again! I thought you got left behind in that facility!
DREADNOUGHT: What are you on about?
JAMES: You! Alex! Again!
DREADNOUGHT: Oh, no. That’s just my scripting. He’s over there.
[Alex ambles out of the shrubbery]
ALEX: Yeah, sorry, would’ve led the way but my fingers get caught in the trigger and fall off. You know how it is.
ALL: Damn. Now, with him here, we have to suffer a new plot twis-
[A large anvil falls out of the sky, crushing Alex flat.]
ALL: Well whaddaya know, Christmas came early.
ALEX’S VOICE: Goddamn.. what a pity. Back to reality. Oh no. Woe is me.
[Heh… not this time my friend… the judge wasn’t le- no, that’s wrong. Yeah, sure, get back.]
ALEX’S VOICE: Wayhey! Eat that, mutherfu-
[A lime coloured light cuts him off. Suddenly, it vanishes, as if someone had STOLEN IT. The voice suddenly buggers off, as if the chronically lazy author couldn’t be bothered to make a closing speech.]
JESSE: Right, I have HAD it with this place. Why can’t we all just be back on the SoL again?
JAMES: Well, we could. All we have to do is get Giovanni to get us back.
[Amazed at the fact that he said a sentence without being mobbed, maimed, or curling up into a little ball, the crew all surround him.]
VEGETA: How? Whadda we do?
ALL: *crowding round him* Yeah? YEAH? What do we DO?
[The camera cuts to JamesCam. All of the scary people are crowded round him and are jostling him. He reacts in the only way he knows how.]
JAMES: eeeeeeeep.
[He vanishes into a hastily dug hole.]
JESSE: Dammit! James! Come out NOW!
JAMES: *muffled* I’ve told you, I don’t like bo-
JESSE: Of your hole!
JAMES: No! You’re all scary! I wanna stay!
JESSE: *exasperated* Phew… look, dig yourself out of your hole and come on out, we’re all waiting for you.
JAMES: No! No way! I want my Weepinbell!
ANT: *motions for Dec to join him by the side of this clearing which they are in*
DEC: *taking his arm* I thought you’d never ask!
ANT: Nah, get off, you gimp. He said he wanted his weepinbell, right?
DEC: That’s “Weepinbell”, there’s a capi-
ANT: SHUT UP! Look, there’s an old windsock by the side of that tree. If we get some green paint, we can get him to come out.
DEC: Yeah, but he said he doesn’t like bo-
ANT: *smacks Dec* YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEANS!
DEC: *clutching jaw* Ok, ok. Where do we get green paint from?
ANT: Well, you see, if we distill this BRIGHT GREEN BUSH WHICH ALWAYS APPEARS IN CARTOONS NO MATTER HOW BIOLOGICALLY UNSOUND IT MAY BE, we can get the dye out of it’s leaves! And somehow invisible flowers!
DEC: Flowers? You mean THESE flowers, in this bush here, that give a BRIGHT GREEN DYE?
ANT: Yeah! Lets d-
[Jesse walks up to them]
JESSE: Yes! He’s out of his hole! We just gave him a JamesSnack, and he popped right out!
[Ant and Dec both deflate a little.]
JESSE: But don’t worry! Your plan wouldn’t work, anyway! It was godawful!
[They both deflate further. Meanwhile, the group crowd around James, only not quite so heavily this time.]
VEGETA: *fading in* -o what do we do?
[Cue orchestral hit! Load up your sound card, and play Orchestral Hit several times, cos this is all you’re getting for this part! Onwards!]
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