ANT: Yay! You chose the cowards way out! Good on ya!
VEGETA: *muttering, obviously* muttermuttermutter prince of saiyans muttermuttermutter never ran before muttermuttermutter…
ANT: Shuddup, you can’t take them on your own!
VEGETA: Yes I can, I can use moons as projectiles.
SPIKE: That’s not important right now.
[The party make their way cautiously past the large group of assorted deviants. They creep into the forest and collapse panting by a REALLY BIG TREE.]
SPIKE: *not panting* Huh? This tree looks really odd.
JESSE: Yeah… *puff* [there is a howl from James] it’s… *pant* old and large.
DEC: *pointing wildly* AAAAAAARGH! LOOK! IT’S….
[Everyone crowds around Dec’s outstretched finger. They look towards the object of his pointing…]
VEGETA: Oi! Wait a minute! This is gonna be another of those “comedy” moments where you think something scary is gonna happen, and then it DOESN’T! Look! That’s a wasp!
[Damn you… or so you’d expect!]
VEGETA: Huh?
[This time something bad WILL happen! A case of double bluff, my friend!]
VEGETA: Damn! Curse your weird plot changy things!
[Ah hah! Fooled you! Something bad will SEEM to happen, and then it won’t, so you’ll get complacent and then something else will occur and you’ll be caught out, until it turns out to be a small beach ball and then you’ll think that that was stupid and it wasn’t a bad thing and then you’ll see a large disgruntled beach ball hurling giraffe throwing things, then it’ll seem like it isn’t, then it is, then it isn’t, the-]
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SHUT UP!
AUTHOR: Arrrrgh… now *I’m* confused!
[Hah!]
THE FEDS (Ooh, Nooh!): SHUT UP! We have been authorised to KILL you if you do NOT shut UP!
VEGETA: *does “air quotes”*
KATE: My joke!
[Sorry. Anyway, I’ll shut up now.]
ALL: Good. And the “danger”?
AUTHOR: *pointing* That.
[He points, and shows the intrepid/insipid explorers a large, tree-like creature. This is because it is a tree.]
SPIKE: Noo! It’ll give us Dutch Elm Disease!
CAT: *feigning tears* I lost a whole set of cupboards to that….
[Shut up. The tree begins to thrash around.]
DEC: Wow! Slam-dancing trees!
[The tree opens two large eyes and pears down at Dec.]
DEC: Heh, it’s do- What?!
[The tree appears to be rather good at manipulating things (If you so MENTION manipulating chickens, I’ll…). It realises this. All hell breaks loose.]
ALL: *showers of leaves, branches to the face* AAAAAAARGH! Naaaaaagh! *bubble* Glukk….
[The tree rears up, and slams ridiculously large branches into everyone. They pass out through shock, fear, and good-old-fashioned pain.]
ANT: So, now we know what you do in your private life…
[Oi! The tree SMASHES A LARGE BRANCH INTO ANT’S HEAD! Hah! Anyway, they all pass out.]
JAMES: *groggy* Agh, where are we? This doesn’t look like where we were before…
[He’s right. It’s a really, really big underground chamber, where strip malls abound and diversions mere moments away, where cultures defined etc. etc. It has a certain woody look to it hovering on the edge of vision, as if it was in the same place as the forest. It isn’t. This is because they were hit very hard on the head and are still concussed. Everything appears to be backwards in this small underground cave, WELL F-]
CAT: *shaking head* Shut up! Where the hell are we?
FIGURE: Looks like *I* can answer that!
ALL: *shock is plain on their faces* Who the hell are you, monkey boy?
FIGURE: I live here. I’m t-
[He is cut short as a large branch crashes down on his head. Guess who’s back? Guess who’s on a moped?]
SPIKE: What? A tree on a moped
[So? Ever seen those Reebok adverts? That belly has a bike! With sidecar!]
TREE-BEAST-DEVIANT THING: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Roar. Splinter.
ALL WHO HAVE EVER SEEN TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: Cowabunga!
TREE: Fuck off! Every time I say that, everyone goes “Cowabunga” or “Wow, Pizza!” or “To the Megadrome!”, and it’s really pissing me off!
ANT: Wow, you’re quite a foul-mouthed tree, aintcha?
TREE: Yes. Look, get a move on, I’m staring in Lord Of The Rings soon, as that Trent which entraps Fr- but enough! Get going! Huh… “Tom Bombadillo”, indeed…
JESSE: *motioning to Cat to join her by the side of the cave*
CAT: I thought you’d never ask!
JESSE: No! No! Although I have no doubt that the author will make us do that, anyway. Pervert.
[Hmm… interesting… but no, it’ll be censored]
CAT: *disappointed* Then what?
JESSE: Do you notice a trend to the enemies we’re facing?
CAT: What, all two of them?
JESSE: Nah, look in that alternate universe we had in “insipid-scenario-one” (the other choice you could have made, oh reader!). There’s a knackered old Dreadnought there.
CAT: So?
JESSE: Do you not see? We’re being forced up against old, used-up adversaries!
The author is buying up old monsters and re-using them!
AUTHOR: You’re right! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky kids!
[The author is led away to prison. “No! No! I can’t go to jail, I’m too pretty!” and so on.]
CAT: Hey, have you noticed how the latter part of this fic is better than the first bit?
JAMES: *deadpan* Yes. I too have noticed this. *bursts out laughing*
CAT: Hmm?
JAMES: *absolutely out of it* It’s… *ahahahahhaaaaaaaa!* just…. *snigger*
that.. *outburst of laughter* this large moogle is tickling my feet! *ahahahahahaaaaaahhaaaa
aa ahhha ahhaaaaa!*
CAT: *jumping in surprise* MOOGLE?
MOOGLE: Puu…..
JESSE: *shaking finger* Hey, don’t start that again, you little bastard. THREE WEEKS it took me to put your “Walk the seasons from spring to winter, spring again and we can enter” to good use, due to the… *trails off*
ALL: *stares*
JESSE: Look, I was bored, ok? We had no assignment!
ALL: *still staring*
JESSE: Stop that! It’s only a game!
ALL: *staring quizzically*
JESSE: *top of her lungs* ON THE SNES!
ALL: *shakes heads slowly*
JESSE: Leave me alone! Bastards! *flails at the crew, nudges moogle*
MOOGLE: Kupii? Kupop! Kumara!
[He dives off into a small burrow nearby.]
VEGETA: You absolute moron! You’ve scared it off, you bag of badger sputum!
JESSE: Well, he had a red crest! He was faking!
VEGETA: *resident moogle expert* THAT MEANS THAT THEY ARE SCARED!
JESSE: Scared?
VEGETA: Yes! He had a 2D woman shouting stuff at him! He’s 2 foot high! He has
wings that can’t take his weight! He’s a lethal dancing nutter in FFIII, but
that’s beside the point! We gotta find him!
[Everyone piles down the really, really small mooglehole]
MOOGLE WITH MOUSTACHE (FAKE, NATCH): Kupi! Kupi…. Kupopo!
ANT: So where the hell are we? Why was there ANOTHER FFIII reference in that previous name?
[Spot on, bud. Not the stupid, fiery hell, but the grey, merciless pit of DULLNESS!]
DEC: He could have a point…
[The camera pans around. Bleak, desolate hills everywhere, with only one smallish city in the wait just a goddamn moment why is there a city in here I specifically said no CITIES on my set what the hell am I paying you for whaddaya mean I’m not?]
SPIKE: Huh?
VEGETA: Shh! He’s berating his agent!
SPIKE: He doesn’t have an agent!
VEGETA: *grinning* I know!
[Aagh, can’t get the staff. Anyway, there is NO CITY NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY SEE. It’s a mirage. In a grey desert. That looks suspiciously like the Cursed Earth.]
JESSE: See? More theft!
[A horde of Perfectly Normal Beasts thunder past, with Ford and Arthur clinging on for dear life.]
ALL: STOP THE REFERENCES!
[No!]
ALL: You’ll incur huge copyright infringement penalties!
[You’re right! Away with the references!]
DEC: Righty then. Whadda we do now?
[Um, dunno. Try to find that moogle is probably your best bet. ‘Sides, you’re back to the main story thread soon. Two more pages. More if you’re lucky.]
MOOGLE: *tired of waiting* Kupi! Over here! Kupoppo!
VEGETA: How dare you! My mother was a saint! Come back!
[The moogle darts round a corner. There is no corner to dart round. He looks bewildered, and legs it off towards the city in the distance.]
ALL: After him! Tally ho!
[They make it to the dark, dreary, physics-orientated town. Huddling together in fear, they realise that the majority of the readers haven’t a clue what a moogle is. So, here’s one now! Kupi! (see my message board picture for a moogle!)]
ALL: Well?
[Ah. Yes. Ever so sorry, can’t find a decent pic of one. Instead, let me direct you to any good SNES emulator, and get the FFIII and Secret of Mana ROM’s from any decent ROM website. Oh, and if you don’t have the original cartridge, that’s illegal. Don’t do it. *bursts out laughing*]
THE FEDS (Ooh, Noo!): Hey!
[Ah. Seriously kids, don’t indulge in criminal activities without first contacting your local mortician. Damn LA cops shoot on sight.]
THE ENTIRE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT: Damn you, you anti-authoritarian maverick! That does it.
[Seventeen cruise missiles are fired at the Authors house. They miss and blow up a nearby village.]
T.E.A.G: Screw! That’s $3400000 we just wasted! Three million on silencing a dissident!
AUTHOR: Yeah? Well sod that, it’s a product of my imagination, so…
[The entire USA budget is squandered on cheap porno anime flicks. The same one, bought around 3 billion times, give or take a dozen million.]
T.E.A.G: No! NO! We’ve SEEN this one!
[The curtain falls on T.E.A.G. They get arrested for buying about 3 billion copies of “Wet T-Shirt Demon Tentacle Close-Up Bonanza In Kyoto!”.]
AUTHOR: Anyway…
JAMES: My legs hurt!
JESSE: Shut up and keep dancing!
JAMES: But c’mon, being forced to flamenco dance twice in one fic?
[The camera pulls back. Foolish people, to trespass in the home of the moogles. Jesse and James are being forced to dance for the gaolers pleasure, whilst the rest are being forced to wear maids outfits and wait on the other moogles.]
SPIKE: Soon, someone will die. Very, very painfully.
[One side effect of being so ill is that you get to see some kick-ass visions.]
MOOGLE IN SCARLET JUMPSUIT: Kupi! *holds up mop*
SPIKE: You have GOT to be kidding, you little bastard. I’m not cleaning your toilets for *you*, or *anybody*.
MOOGLE: Puu…
SPIKE: Yeah, you… hey, stop! Stop that! Aaaargh! Stop being so goddamn manipulative all the time! *he grabs the mop sullenly* Scum. *brightening up* But how can I stay mad at you…
VEGETA: *stifling laughs* Looks like this is a side that we haven’t seen before, Spike… *snigger*
SPIKE: Shuddup! Bastards, the lot of you!
[Wait… you don’t actually HAVE to do any of this?]
CAT: No, but when we refuse the moogles get all sa-
[I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH FUCKING MOOGLES!]
DEC: Shouldn’t fuck ‘em, then.
[Shut up. It’s been Moogle this and Moogle that and Insert-Moogle-Here since you , er, I… STARTED this subplot. Look, just take a firm line with the small white fluffy bastards.]
ANT: *tearing out of an otherwise nondescript room* OK, ok, I agree, lets go go go go go NOW NOW NOW! *flees*
[The sound of a violent argument in Mooglescript is heard.]
VEGETA: *grabbing Ant’s collar* Whoa, whoa! Whats the rush?
[A larger moogle, and I mean LARGE, bursts out of the room, with a smaller moogle with a pink ribbon in its hair trailing behind. It winks coquettishly to Ant, who is breathing heavily.]
CAT: Aww, no, you didn’t?
ANT: …
DEC: Ant, you depraved young man!
BIG, PISSED OFF MOOGLE: You utter bastard!
ANT: *alarmed* Damn, he understood what we said! All those remarks abou-
BPOM: Yes, all those remarks about my sex life. And then we say: look who’s talking?
ANT: Hey! We had something speci-
BPOM: Shut up, you cross-inseminating little bastard! Imagine what happens if you actually become a father! What the hell is gonna happen then?
ANT: Um.. oh. Bollocks. Bye!
[He sprints out of the door.]
BPOM: You… you, you! Get them!
[A side note: whilst appearing small and white and crap at everything, moogles in general are actually surprisingly tough, and wield halberds with astounding force. I cannot believe I am typing this. Let us never speak of moogles again.]
THE CREW: Shit! Run!
[The crew leg it outside, into the cold, dark winter night. What were you expecting, a Jacuzzi? Anyway. Threading through the snow covered houses, dodging into alleyways, wondering if Ant’s moogle squeeze will reappear in a later story, and being slowly caught up to by the Killteam dispatched to find and eliminate them, the crew stumble blindly through the snow and needlessly long sentences.]
JAMES: Aaargh! My flamenco dress! It’s ripping!
JESSE: For the sake of the children, hold it together! No.. wait, we always have these uniforms on underneath our clothes. We sleep in them, for gods sake!
JAMES: Oh yeah. Well, ok. Hey, what the hell is that?
[He points to a massive rift in the space-time continuum.]
SPIKE: Well, looks to me like a massive rift in the space-time continuum, but I could be wrong. *thinks* Hey… how do you both know what each other sleep in? *grins*
[A small speck appears in it. A loud yell is heard…]
ALL: ??
[Ah, the only dialogue in Phantasy Star Online that is ever said by your character. The speck grows, and grows, and grows, until…]
LEADER OF THE GOOD SQUAD OF SOLDIERS WHOSE ORIGINS AND GOALS WERE NEVER REALLY DISCUSSED: Forward, men! Get them moogles away from this town! It’s ours now!
THE CREW: Hurrah!
GOOD LEADER (NO JOKES, PLEASE): Forward, and drop that sodding sleeping bag!
CREW: *horrible feeling of apprehension* Sleeping bag?
[The bag moves around a bit. Well, how should we kill him off this time, kids?]
VOICE: C’mon, lemme out of here!
CREW: Quick, whilst he’s not looking! Go!
[The crew quickly make their way through the interspatial rift in the space-time continuum. Dude. Alex makes his way out of the bag.]
ALEX: Gah, where the hell am I? And why can I never say anything of any interest when I reappear? And what the HELL is that?
[A large gang of moogles riding what appear to be Chocobo’s rein up. They are displeased.]
CHOCOBO?: Hwark!
ALEX: Wait just a second, that’s an Emu! You cheap bastard, you couldn’t even get real Chocobo’s for this fic!
[Yes I could, look!]
ALEX: You’ve painted an Emu yellow!
[Huh? *peers* Oh yes, um, yeah.]
ALEX: God…
MOOGLES: *puzzled* Kupi?
ALEX: Huh?
CHOCOBOS/EMUS: Hwarrrkk!
ALEX: Whuh? Aargh! No!
[In a stunningly good Michael Parkinson impression, the emu’s dive upon Alex and devour him.]
ALEX: *rip, tear* Ow, Jesus! *gobble* Argh! What’s this for? *rend*
[Well, as they continue feeding, lets follow the spirit of the departed, um, corpse back to earth.]
SPIRIT: Hey, I’m almost back in my body again! *pop*
[Alex looks around.]
ALEX: Shit.
[Well, he’s back on earth now, in Siberia, so we’ll get back to the crew. The hyperdimensional interspatial rift in the space-time continuum with a perpetual-naming machine attached disgorged the crew into a sylvan glen. Then it committed suicide, as its name was too long.]
SPIKE: It deserved it. Where the hell are we? And also, WHY the hell are we?
VEGETA: *looking over glasses* First question: we are in a wood. Second question: how the hell should I know? I’m currently pondering why all of our characters have gradually gone COMPLETELY out of, um, character.
ANT: *French accent* Ah, mon souer, we are in… *normal* No, it’s no good. I can’t take this little adventure any more. I demand to be returned to our satellite!
JAMES: Hmm… there may be a way back!
DEC: Huh? How!
JAMES: *coy, camp and coquettishly* Give us a kiss and I’ll tell you.
VEGETA/SPIKE/ALL THE PEOPLE MADE OUT TO BE REPRESSED: *stares*
JAMES: Kidding! Look, it’s very simple…
[Dow dow dow DOWWWWWWWWW! Onwards!]
Review this story! Please?