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Title: MST3K 1/2 Go To UCC For Rag Week
Author: Cyberwulf
And now . . . Cyberwulf presents for your enjoyment/fear/terror/disgust . . .
MST3K 1/2 Go To UCC For Rag Week
Yes ! This is what you thought you’d never see ! A fan fic of your website ! Cooked up in the dark recesses of my sordid evil brain especially to warp the fragile little minds of your reviewers ! Muahaha ! Muahaha ! Muahaha (head falls off a la Monty Python .) But before we get on with the madness , there are a few formalities . . .
Ratings : Ireland – 18s . UK – 15s . USA – R . Bible belt of USA – XXX . MTV – all the sexual innuendo you like , but the merest mention of violence is not allowed . This file contains naughty language !
Characters : I know Vegeta and Team Rocket very well , Ant , Dec and Cat slightly well , Scott only vaguely and Aoi and Spike purely from reading MST3K1/2 . So if anyone seems a little ‘off’, that’s why .
UCC : Stands for University College Cork , the fine institute of learning I’m attending at the moment . Cork = second largest city in Ireland . (Ireland = green place , turn left when you leave England . . .)
Rag Week : One week during academic year where all manner of crazy events take place (all the ones mentioned in the story really do happen) & all money raised is donated to charity .
Culchies : In this context , anyone from outside Cork City . (By the way , the ‘Kill the Culchies’ fight is included purely for entertainment . As far as I know , this sort of thing doesn’t really go on .)
All places , people , song lyrics , movie references and characters are used utterly without permission , but since I haven’t said anything bad (well , not too bad), and won’t be getting any money for this , there should be no grounds for legal action . Incidentally , anyone who wants to sue me , don’t bother . I’m a college student & as such have no money , or possessions of any value .
And now that that’s out of the way . . .
Let the Mayhem Commence !!!
Cat slouched into the lounge . Things had been pretty dull aboard the SoL lately . . . no fics , no new interesting games , no murdering sprees , and all quiet on the Aoi/Scott front . She was getting worried about the crew . Dec had become convinced he could find a way to get them home . Ant had started fantasising about Wilma Flintstone . The Pokémon looked as if they were about to start eating each other , and the less said about James the better – he seemed to be getting camper by the hour . She’d tried her best to boost morale . . . but since she’d started getting death threats , she’d had to give up concocting schemes like ‘Togetherness Time’, ‘The Circle of Sharing’, and ‘Singalong Friday’. She sighed and flopped down on the couch and jumped straight up again as a spring shot out of the cushion and pierced her backside .
" Oh yeah ," Meowth drawled , walking in with a carton of milk . " I meant ta tell ya . Don’t sit dere , dere’s a busted spring in dat cushion ."
" Thanks a lot ," Cat growled . " So you’re the one who keeps drinking all the milk around here !"
" Oh , sure !" Meowth said indignantly . " Blame de cat-type Pokémon !" He perched on the arm of the couch , took another swig of milk , and wiped his mouth . Cat didn’t reply . Something was bothering her . Ignoring the stinging pain in her posterior , she listened carefully . Nothing .
" It’s too quiet ," she remarked . She frowned , and asked , " Where are Spike and Vegeta ?"
" Oh , dey’re in de kitchen ," Meowth answered . " If ya ask me , dey’re seriously depressed . Heh !"
Cat walked out of the lounge , troubled . Depressed ? Well , the two of them had been acting weird lately . Weirder than usual . Only this morning she’d heard them in the communal shower , singing ‘Stronger’ in falsetto Britney Spears voices . She went down to the kitchen . Vegeta was sitting on the counter with a large tub of ice cream and a spoon , while Spike was leaning against the fridge , drinking a two-litre bottle of Coca-Cola through a brightly coloured straw . Cat shook her head in disbelief .
" What are you guys doing ?" she asked . She walked over to Vegeta . He put a protective arm around the ice cream .
" You pig !" Cat exclaimed . " That’s a half-gallon tub of ice-cream and you’re half-way through it !" She looked at the label . " Banana flavour ? I didn’t know you liked bananas . . ."
" Of course I like bananas !" Vegeta snarled . " I’m a Saiyan ! I used to be able to transform into a giant ape ! " He sniffed and added grouchily , " I still could , if only I had my tail . . ."
Cat shook her head again , and looked across at the satellite’s resident vampire .
" Spike ! You’re drinking Coca-Cola ???"
Spike glared at her over the bottle .
" Look , babe , I desperately need a sugar fix , and there aren’t any diabetics on board – AOOOWW !" He clutched his head in agony . " What , so now I’m not even allowed to think about hurting people AAOOOWW !" He cursed a few times , then straightened up . " This chip is getting all messed up ." He went back to drinking Coke .
Cat looked from one to the other incredulously .
" What is the matter with you two ?" she asked .
" Oh , well let’s see !" Vegeta exclaimed sarcastically . " I have been taken from my natural environment and brought to a satellite packed with idiots , where I’m forced to
read ridiculous fan fics about people I don’t even know ! And there’s no way to get out of here !"
" Yeah !" Spike agreed . " Here I am , wasting my time with a horde of fools aboard a fucking toilet –"
" Spike !" Cat exclaimed in shock . " You can’t say fuck in a fic !"
" Why not ?" Spike asked . " It doesn’t hurt anyone . Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck !"
" You want me to sharpen a pencil ?" Cat asked . Spike wilted . " Good ," Cat went on . " Continue ranting , but no swearing . All right ?"
Spike slurped some more Coke . " AS I was saying , I’m surrounded by bloody twits , I can’t kill any of you , I miss Dru , and you all talk about me behind my back –"
" No we don’t !" Cat replied , hurt . " I’m shocked that you could even think that , Spike !"
" I hate him ," Ant remarked to Dec .
" He drinks like a fish ," Dec replied .
" Pi , pika pikachu !" Pikachu added .
" Spike who ?" Meowth asked .
" You’re just being paranoid ," Cat continued in the kitchen .
" According to the Internet ," Vegeta interrupted , " I’m supposed to die about five more times , turn all goody-good , admit that Kakarat’s stronger than me , and my daughter’s going to be a weakling !" He smashed his fist into the counter . " Blast you, Akira !"
" To top it all off ," Spike finished , " Buffy’s still going out with that ponce Angel , when I could be the one who –" He broke off as he saw the two of them staring at him. " Uh , when I could be killing them both !" Cat started sniggering . " What are you laughing at ?" Spike snarled . Vegeta smirked his special sly dirty smirk , the one he usually has on in hentai fics . Spike glared angrily at them both . " Great ! Now I’m being mocked , and I can’t tear you apart ! You know what ?" he yelled . " I wish I was dead ! Oh wait – too late ! I am ! And it sucks !"
He folded his arms and sulked . Cat tried to control herself .
" Oh , Spike ," she said , " I’m sorry , I –"
Just then Ant ran into the kitchen .
" Dec . . . Dec . . ." he gasped breathlessly . " He . . . Dec . . . did . . . finished it . . ." He gesticulated wildly , pointing at the door .
" Shall I slap you , Ant ?" Cat asked .
Ant shook his head . He bent over , trying to catch his breath . " Come quick ," he said at last . " He finally did it !"
Puzzled , Cat , Vegeta and Spike followed Ant up to the lounge . There , Dec was kneeling at the panel under the monitor . He was wearing a stainless steel colander , with a magnifying glass cunningly attached to it , on his head . His face was covered in soot .
" Eureka !" he shouted . " Get everyone in here ! I’ve got an announcement to make!"
Jessie and James walked in .
" What’s going on ?" Jessie asked . Cat and Ant glanced at them , then turned around in shock . Meowth choked . Milk came out his ears . Vegeta and Spike just stared . All of them took in the short skirt , the trousers , and the different length boots .
" Um . . . guys ?" Cat asked , not sure what to say .
" What ?" Jessie asked in irritation .
" Uh . . . your clothes ?"
" What about them ?" Jessie snapped . The crew just gaped . Both Rockets looked at each other and yelled in horror . They were wearing each other’s uniforms . Jessie dragged James behind the couch . After a few minutes of scuffling , they emerged , panting , and in the right uniforms . Vegeta’s smirk reappeared . Spike grinned .
" Oh , guys , that’s sooo suspicious ," he remarked . Jessie and James glared at him .
" Enough innuendo , guys , this is serious !" Dec interrupted . " Where are Scott and Aoi ?"
" Oh , dey’re in de closet ," Meowth told him , pointing at the broom closet across the corridor . " But I wouldn’t distoib dem , if ya know what I mean ."
" Well , I can’t make my announcement without everyone here ," Dec said . Vegeta walked over to the closet , muttering . " You two !" he yelled , pounding on the door . " Put your pants back on and get out here !" He listened . There was no reply . Growling , he ripped the door off its hinges . Aoi and Scott were in the closet , juggling various brands of polish between them . " Yeah ?" Aoi asked , without looking round . The crew looked disappointed .
" Come on !" Dec yelled in agitation . " I wanna make my announcement !"
Scott and Aoi put down the polish and came into the lounge . Dec turned around .
" Sit down , lads ," he said excitedly . " I think I’ve done it . I’ve found a way to get us home !"
As the crew groaned , Dec went on . " No , really ! This is the last combination of wires possible . It’s gotta work ."
" Dec , is this like the dune buggy made of old beer cans and ashtrays you built last week ?" Cat asked .
" Oh , the dune buggy’s coming with us !" Dec told them . " Bring it in , Ant !"
Ant shoved the dune buggy sideways through the door . It crashed onto its wheels in the middle of the floor . The crew stared at it in disbelief .
" Well , get in !" Dec shouted . The others looked at each other , then shrugged , and jumped in . Dec gathered up all the Pokémon in their Pokéballs and flung them in the back before hopping in himself . " Get ready !" he yelled . He reached out and hit a button on the control panel . There was a mighty crackle of electricity . The dune buggy and passengers vanished .
The dune buggy and passengers shimmered back into existence . Dec looked around . He didn’t know where they were . . . but they definitely weren’t aboard the SoL .
" Yes !" he shouted . " It worked !"
Not everyone was so happy .
" This looks suspiciously UN-like planet Namek ," Vegeta growled . Cat looked around . They were parked slap bang in the middle of a large square grassy area , bordered by tarmac . There were strange old buildings to the north , west and east . To the south was a large , more modern building . It was a dull , grey day . A few people , who looked suspiciously like students , were wandering about .
" Where the heck are we ?" she asked .
" Who cares ?" Ant said . " We’re off that satellite !" He stuck the key in the dune buggy’s ignition and turned it . The engine spluttered a few times . " Damn !" Ant swore . " What’s wrong with this thing ?"
" The engine’s a converted microwave ?" Cat suggested .
" Maybe she’s overloaded ," Scott suggested . " Some of you get out ."
Ant continued to try the engine as Cat , Dec , Meowth , Pikachu , Vegeta and Jessie jumped out . Impatiently , Spike shoved Ant out over the door .
" Let me try !" he growled . He bent down slightly , listening to the engine , as he tried to start it . Scott sat up at the back and tapped his head . James put his elbow on the door and rested his chin on his hand . Aoi stood up in the buggy and made a face . Surveying the scene , there was only one thing Cat could say .
" Gorillaz !" she shouted . The others turned and stared at her . She laughed nervously. " You know . . . on the album cover . . . they’re like . . . and you’re like . . " She trailed off .
" You have good taste ," Vegeta remarked . " Gorillaz are my favourite band too ."
" 2-D is my cousin ," James announced .
" Yeah , right !" Jessie replied scornfully .
" He is !" James said indignantly . " He’s my second cousin once removed – from England ."
Spike managed to get the dune buggy to start .
" Yeah !" Dec yelled triumphantly . " Gun it , Spike !"
But he spoke too soon . The dune buggy shook itself to bits . Spike , Aoi , James and Scott were left sitting on a pile of old beer cans and ashtrays , and one very dead microwave . The wheels rolled a little distance away and then melted . Dec shrugged .
" Oh well ," he said . He turned around and started heading towards the large modern building . " Let’s go to the bar ."
The others all scrambled to catch up .
" How do you know there’s a bar here ?" Aoi asked .
" Look around ," Dec explained . He indicated the passers-by . " Goths . . . punks . . . jocks . . . nerds . . . freaks . . ." The rest of them took it all in . " There’s only one place where all these people are free to be themselves , and that’s college !"
" Or an American high school ," Scott said . They all shivered . Suddenly a girl with a stack of magazines approached them .
" Like to buy a copy of UCC Rag Mag ?" she asked . The crew looked at each other . " It costs a pound and like all the proceeds go to charity ." Sensing their indecision , she went on , " It’s full of jokes , aaand . . . lots of smut , and it’s really funny . And it’s for charity , like ."
" Okay ," Cat said . " We’ll take five copies ." She pulled out her purse , which , miraculously , was full of money . She handed her a strange-looking five pound note . The girl gave them the magazines and thanked them . Ant checked his wallet . Something was puzzling him . " Hey !" he yelled . " This fiver’s got a nun on it ! And where’s the Queen ?"
" That’s Irish money , you fool ," Spike sneered . Cat screamed . " What is it ?" Spike asked in irritation .
" Spike ! You’re out during the day !" she shouted . Spike thought . He looked up at the sky .
" There’s only one place on earth with enough cloud cover to screen out all sunlight ," he said , " and that’s Cork City . This ," he declared , " must be University College Cork ."
" Then we are in a college !" Scott yelled in relief . " Thank you , God !"
" That’s right ," Spike replied . " And unlike American colleges , in Ireland students simply lurch from diploma to degree to masters to PhD with little or no effort . So we won’t have any unsightly enthusiastic clean cut wasaks inviting us to ‘study sessions’."
" And if they’re selling a Rag Mag . . ." Aoi began .
" Then it must be RAG WEEK !" Ant yelled . " The week when everyone gets even crazier than usual ! Yippee !"
" So let’s have a look at this Rag Mag ," Jessie said .
" Yeah ! Let’s see this smut !" Aoi went on .
There was a scrabble over the mags , but eventually everyone managed to share .
" What the heck is a Techie ?" Aoi asked in puzzlement .
Scott started laughing . " Why is that word always more funny written down ?" he said , pointing at the page .
" Oh man !" Meowth exclaimed . " Dat’s disgusting !"
Spike suddenly started chuckling evilly . He looked at Vegeta , then laughed harder . The others noticed .
" What ?" Vegeta asked .
Spike didn’t answer him . " Page twelve ," he told the others . The rest of them turned to page twelve and gasped .
" Oh my GOD !" Cat yelled . She covered her eyes and started laughing . Scott and Aoi looked at the page , then looked at Vegeta , then looked at each other , and burst into hysterics . Vegeta looked at them all in puzzlement .
" WHAT ?!" he shouted angrily . Spike recovered enough to show him the page . Vegeta gasped . The picture was of a certain short Saiyan prince and a certain blue-haired human female taking part in a certain act that resulted in the birth of a certain pink-haired Dicaprio-esque sword-wielding time-traveller . The title on the page read ‘Manga Banga’. Vegeta turned bright red and snatched the magazine from Spike . He shoved it under his armour . Jessie and James nearly collapsed .
" I’m sure glad that wasn’t us !" James chuckled .
" Yaargh ! Idiots !" Vegeta yelled .
" Okay , okay , calm down ," Cat said . Vegeta looked seriously pissed off , and that was never a good sign . " Let’s go find the bar ."
They walked along beside the huge building . Cat noticed one or two people coming out of it carrying books . " Must be the library ," she declared .
" Hey , what’s that ?" Scott said suddenly , pointing up ahead . A huge crowd was gathered around a portable stage . Next to the stage was a contraption which Ant , Dec and Cat recognised immediately , and which filled them with fear . . . a gunge tank .
" All right , we need one more volunteer for the Iron Stomach competition !" a guy on stage with a microphone yelled .
" Iron Stomach ! Yeah !" Ant shouted . " I can do that . I’ll eat owt , me ." He jumped up on stage before the others could stop him .
" What’s this all about ?" Scott asked in puzzlement . Aoi flicked through the Rag Mag .
" Here we are ," she said . " There’s all sorts of events going on today ." She scanned down the page . " This thing here ," she indicated the stage , " is the Gig Rig . . . aw , we’ve missed most of the Gig Rig events . The Iron Stomach is the last one . But there’s a Raft Race starting in half an hour , along the river Lee –"
" There’s a what where ?" Vegeta asked urgently . Spike shoved him aside and looked at the page .
" ‘Sailing down the Lee into a hail of eggs and flour , usually straight into a ditch ,’" he read . He and Vegeta looked at each other , then took off .
" Hey , wait !" Cat yelled , but it was too late . " We’ll meet you guys later !" she called after them . She sighed .
" Ha , ha , ha !" Dec laughed . " They have to eat boiled celery !"
Cat shook her head .
" Cool ," Scott remarked , looking at the list of events . " ‘Special Mystery Guest Band in the back bar at Sir Henry’s .’"
" And it’s karaoke night at the Thirsty Scholar ," Aoi added .
" Karaoke ?" Jessie asked .
" We’ve gotta find out where these places are ," Scott declared .
" Yeah !" Aoi agreed . " Let’s go ask some people !"
She and Scott ran off .
" What the –" Cat couldn’t believe it . " You could at least say when you’ll be back !" she yelled after them . She turned back to find that Team Rocket had also vanished .
" Honestly !" she shouted . Dec was in fits of laughter . " Eee , Ant’s turning green !" he cackled . Cat sighed .
" Here they come , here they come !"
Spike stubbed out his cigarette and ducked down behind the wall . The first rafts were nearing the bridge . Vegeta was crouching next to him .
" Ready ?" he asked . Spike nodded . " One . . . two . . . THREE !"
Both of them jumped up and began to pelt the approaching students with eggs .
" Take this , mortals !" Spike shouted . He emptied a whole bag of flour onto one poor unsuspecting crew of misfits . Ha – the chip was obviously programmed to think food was harmless . . . or at least , not fatal . Vegeta aimed all his shots at one individual , trying to knock him into the murky water . The hapless person toppled in .
" Yes !" the prince of all Saiyans yelled . Spike pointed suddenly .
" Hey ! Hey , that one’s disintegrating !" he shouted in disgust , as the mishmash of wood and beer kegs he was pointing at fell apart , dumping its four-man crew in the water . " Cheaters !"
More students armed with foodstuffs now emerged all along the river beyond the bridge . The egg and flour fest continued unabated .
" Bugger !" Spike cursed . " We’re all out ! Now what ?"
" Catch !" Vegeta yelled . Spike turned and just managed to grab the ketchup bottle .
" Brilliant !" he shouted . He tore the silver seal off it and started squirting the sauce onto the rafters below . He had to admit , he was starting to like Vegeta . It was kinda weird how they’d both had the same idea at the same time . . . and how they both liked causing the same kind of mayhem . It filled him with a sense of . . . a kindred spirit , and – dare he think it – friendship . . . and some . . . other emotions , which he found strange and confusing .
Meanwhile , Scott and Aoi were wending their way back through the campus . A couple of Goths had taken them under their evil black bat wings , and had shown them all the best drinking places . They were now familiar with the Wash , the Star , the Thirsty , Nancy Spains , Sir Henry’s and FX . Nothing to do now but go to the old College Bar and kill some time before the gig in Sir Henry’s .
" Hey !" Aoi said suddenly . " Don’t we have to be students to get into the College Bar ?"
" Nah – all we have to do is act like students ," Scott replied .
They both thought for a minute .
" Hooray ! The grant’s here !" Aoi yelled . " Let’s go shopping !"
" Louie Louie ! O-oh yeah !" Scott sang loudly . " La-la-la ! Yeah yeah yeah , yeah yeah yeah!"
Sure enough , their disguises worked , for they got into the bar easily .
Or maybe it was just that the staff didn’t really care as long as all their customers actually bought something . After buying some cheap beer , they looked around for a table . The place was pretty crowded .
" How come there’s so many people here ?" Scott wondered . " It’s only 5pm ."
" They’re students ," Aoi explained . Scott nodded . " Hey !" Aoi shouted . " There’s Jessie and James . Let’s go sit with them ."
They made their way carefully over to Team Rocket . Jessie and James were deep in conversation , and were scrawling extremely complicated notes on the back of a bar mat . Meowth was halfway through a pint of Guinness .
" What are you guys up to ?" Aoi asked , sitting down .
" We’re drawing up our plan to win the karaoke competition tonight ," James replied conspiratorially .
" That’s right ," Jessie continued . " James and I have been crowned king and queen of karaoke in every competition we’ve ever entered , and tonight will be no exception!"
Just then Vegeta and Spike rushed over to them .
" We just had a great time !" Vegeta yelled excitedly . " There were all these losers on big bits of rubbish , and they were floating around in this open sewer , and then we started throwing stuff –"
" And then they shouted stop , but we wouldn’t stop , and then everyone started doing it , and then some people got caught in the crossfire ," Spike continued , " and we would have got them , but we ran out of mustard –"
" So we ran away , and our friend showed us this big concrete pipe we could hide in ," Vegeta added , " but our other friend was already there , so it was a tight fit , and I said so , and then Spike remembered that that’s the name of a band , and he went –"
" In the jungle , the mighty jungle , the lion sleeps toni-i-i-ight !" Spike sang .
" Okay , okay ," Aoi said . " You’re over-excited . Just sit down and we’ll get some beer in you , okay ?"
" Yeah !" Spike and Vegeta shouted . They sat down , but couldn’t keep still . Suddenly Cat and Dec ran into the bar , followed by Ant , followed by four guys from the Gig Rig .
" Stop him !" the biggest student yelled . " He’s supposed to eat a raw cow’s tongue!"
Ant dove under a table , almost spilling Meowth’s pint . His crewmates
gathered around , hiding him . The students stopped . The leader sighed .
" All right ," he said . " But don’t come by the Gig Rig again ," he called to Ant . " Or we’ll gunge ya !" The four of them walked off in search of other victims . Ant crawled out from under the table .
" Some Iron Stomach ," Vegeta sneered . He and Spike had calmed down a little . James looked at his watch .
" Aah !" he cried . " The karaoke competition starts in half an hour !"
" Let’s go ," Scott said . " Aoi and I found out where it’s on . We can all go ."
Spike , Vegeta and Cat didn’t look too impressed .
" There’s . . . drinks concessions ," Scott added . He was almost trampled as the crew jumped up and raced out the door .
An hour later , the karaoke competition was in full swing . Even so , there weren’t many people in the Thirsty . . . just the SoL former crew , a group of giggling girls , five boisterous jocks , about four assorted solo drinkers , and a large gang of students wearing navy jackets . . . okay , the place was packed . Jessie and James were going strong in the competition . James was up , singing something by the Beegees .
" There’s no fight we can’t fight , this battle of love with me , you win again . . ."
" He doesn’t sound half bad ," Cat remarked in surprise .
" Yeah ," Dec replied . " Weird choice of song , though . His voice is usually quite deep , especially in the later episodes ."
" Really , really don’t want to think about how he’s hitting the high notes ," Aoi declared , shuddering .
Dec picked up a copy of the University Examiner and flicked through it . " Ah , ha , ha !" he cackled . " Ay , Ant !" He showed Ant one of the photos on the centre pages . It was of Ant puking into a bucket on the Gig Rig .
" Eeuw ," Cat remarked in disgust .
" You’re pathetic !" Dec laughed .
" Yeah , well , you try eatin’ that shit , man ," Ant grumbled .
Jessie was up , singing ‘Shy Guy’.
" How come they’re singing . . . y’know , kind of playful love songs ?" Aoi asked .
" No idea ," Cat replied , totally straight-faced .
Vegeta was coming back from the bar with a couple of tequila slammers when he bumped into a blonde-haired youth from the navy jacket gang . Tequila spilled all down his clothes . The Saiyan was a bit pissed off . . .
" Watch where you’re going !" he shouted at the youth .
" Just calm down –" the youth began . Vegeta headbutted him right in the face . The youth flew back into his friends .
" Oh my God ," Cat sighed . Two shaven-headed guys and one very angry-looking girl from the navy jacket gang stood up and approached Vegeta . It was about then that Vegeta noticed the Shotokan karate logo on the jackets and the words ‘UCC Karate Club’ emblazoned beneath it .
" I’m not afraid of you punks !" Vegeta declared . " I’ll take you all on !"
The two shaven-headed guys advanced rapidly , grabbed Vegeta under the arms and took him outside . The rest of the club followed . From outside came the sounds of a serious ass-kicking .
" Leave it to Vegeta to pick on a martial arts club ," Cat remarked . After a short interval , the karate club members returned . One of the girls paused at the door .
" You’re just lucky the kendo club isn’t here !" she shouted .
" Kendo ?" Aoi wondered aloud . The girl overheard .
" Sword fighting ," she explained . " In training they use six foot long poles , and they wear armour that makes them look like Shredder out of the Ninja Turtles . There’s only about six of ’em , but don’t mess with ’em , they’re fuckin’ scary ."
" Oh ," Aoi replied , a little surprised . " Thanks ."
The next round of the competition began . James was first up , singing ‘Tainted Love’. Spike stared at his drink in disgust .
" Call this a Bloody Mary ?" he grumbled . He drained it in one . " Put some vodka in it next time !" he shouted in the direction of the bar .
" Are you a Goth ?"
Spike turned around . The person who asked the question was a lanky , pale youth with longish , slightly greasy hair . A cigarette dangled from his lip .
" What ?" Spike asked .
" Are you a Goth ?" the youth repeated , more slowly this time .
" No , I’m a vampire ," Spike replied .
" Yeah , you are a Goth ," the youth said . He grinned . " Goths are cool ." He turned and sauntered off , leaving Spike staring after him in puzzlement .
" You’re a Goth , yeah ?"
Spike turned quickly . A stocky youth with thick red hair was standing there .
" No , I’m a vampire ," Spike told him . The youth leaned closer . " What ?"
" I’m a vampire ," Spike repeated , louder . The youth still didn’t understand . " I like to drink blood !" Spike yelled .
" You are a Goth ," the youth shouted back . He was as happy as an American tourist who’d found a thatched cottage . " Can I just shake your hand ?" Before Spike could reply , he’d done it . The youth gave Spike the ‘Sign of Evil’ salute . " Cradle of Filth rock !" he yelled , before returning to his fellow jocks . Spike was left even more confused .
" What’s wrong with these stupid prats ?" he asked .
" It’s the way you dress , man ," Scott told him . " That and the pale skin . You’ve totally got the look ."
" Hmm ." Spike thought for a moment . " Well , I do like moping , and I’m suddenly filled with arrogant disdain towards Marilyn Manson . . ."
" Yeah ," Scott went on . " The Goths we talked to said Aoi and I were either Goths in training , or borderline Goths/rockers ."
" Yup , pretty much everyone we met said that ," Aoi agreed . She frowned , thinking. " Except for this one bunch of people wearing purple and yellow shirts who shouted ‘Crusties’ at us . . ."
The karaoke competition ended . Jessie and James were crowned the winners . They made their way over to their crewmates to celebrate . Scott suddenly looked at his watch .
" Yikes !" he yelled . " The gig in Sir Henry’s starts in thirty minutes ! We gotta go !"
Jessie and James looked crestfallen .
" Hey ! We wanted to celebrate our victory !" James complained .
" You can celebrate at Sir Henry’s ," Scott replied . " They’ve got a bar , otherwise it wouldn’t be called the back bar at Sir Henry’s . Come on !"
When the crew got onto the street it was dark .
" Yes !" Spike shouted . " Now is my time !" He laughed evilly . Scott looked up .
" Hey ! Full moon !" he shouted . He howled .
" That’s pathetic !" Dec yelled . He howled , longer and more realistically than Scott . Then of course , Ant had to join in .
" Now look what you’ve started ," Cat admonished . Suddenly they heard a strange banging sound , accompanied by some muffled cursing . They looked a few yards up the street . Vegeta was upside-down in an otherwise empty wheelie bin , kicking his legs furiously .
" I suppose we’d better get him out of there ," Jessie declared . The crew walked over to the bin and stared at it for a few minutes , debating how to get Vegeta out of it .
" What’s there to discuss ?" Jessie said . " Either someone lifts him out , or we tip the bin over . What’s it gonna be ?"
" I’m not touchin’ something that’s been in a bin ," Dec declared . The other crewmembers nodded their heads in agreement .
" Oh , honestly ," Jessie sighed in exasperation . She kicked the bin over . It landed with a thump and Vegeta slid out . He stood up slowly , looking a little dazed . He had a few bruises on his face . He looked around , then snarled in anger .
" Cowards !" he shouted . " They ran away ! And just as I was about to finish them off , too !"
" Yeah , right ," Cat remarked .
" Aye , you really showed them ," Dec sniggered . He skilfully dodged a Chi blast from Vegeta . " Missed me !" Vegeta tried again , and Dec dodged it again . " Come on !" the Geordie shouted . He bent over and waved his arse around . " Here’s your target !" he taunted . Spike flicked some cigarette ash onto the ground .
" Are we going to this thing or are we going to fart about all night ?" he asked in irritation .
" Okay , okay ," Dec replied , a little miffed . He straightened up . The crew headed off up the street .
" Last disco I was at was a vampire only disco ," Spike remarked . " Classy affair . They played the finest in death metal and dance music and the sprinkler systems showered us with blood . Then this guy in a long black leather coat and mirrored sunglasses showed up and ruined everyone’s fun ."
" Last concert I was at was the Ginyu Force Annual Talent Show ," Vegeta remarked .
" Any good ?" Spike asked .
" Hah !" Vegeta replied . He spat on the ground in disgust . " Let’s just say there’s at least one thing wrong with the title ."
The crew arrived at Sir Henry’s . Fortunately they all had acceptable footwear and so made it past the bouncers . Scott and Aoi led them up the stairs , through the dance floor and into the back bar .
Gorillaz were setting up on stage .
" Now that doesn’t make any sense !" Aoi exclaimed . But then , since no-one so far had pointed at Vegeta or Team Rocket and screamed , " Aagh ! Live walking talking cartoon characters !", she decided to accept it .
" Hey !" James called up . " 2-D !"
2-D looked down . " A’right , Jimmy , ’ow’s it goin’ ?" He sat down on the stage , dangling his legs over the edge . Jessie gaped .
" You know him ?" she asked .
" Oh , yeah ," 2-D replied . " Second cousin once removed , little Jim , course I do ." Jessie and Meowth collapsed . " Hey Ant ! Dec !" 2-D called . The pair looked up at him . " Damon says hi ," 2-D told them . He winked .
" You guys are the coolest !" Scott shouted up to the band . Aoi shrank back a little . The way Murdoc , the creepy bass player , was leering at both of them was making her nervous .
" Gorillaz ," Ant remarked . " Is that like The Monkees ?"
" We can kinda dance like The Monkees ," Dec declared . He and Ant locked arms and attempted to do the Monkees walk from the opening credits . They failed miserably and ended up in a heap on the floor .
" That’s not how you dance like a monkey !" Scott yelled . He started doing The Monkey a la Johnny Bravo . Vegeta shook his head .
" Stand back , amateurs !" he shouted . He stretched a little to limber up , then did the zombie gorilla dance from the ‘Clint Eastwood’ video .
Noodle , the crazy guitarist , watched him closely . Just as he finished , she vaulted off the stage and ran up to him .
" Gyaoo !" she yelled , jumping up and bicycle-kicking him right in the chin . Vegeta flew several feet and landed on his back . He got unsteadily to his feet .
" Wow ," he said . " Kicked by Noodle !" He rubbed his chin . " I’ll never wash my head again ."
Russel the drummer’s baseball cap suddenly started rising into the air . A massive blue cartoon rapper flew out of his head . 2-D turned and stared up at it .
" Oh no , not again ," he groaned . " Russ , tie your ’at on next time !"
The disco started up in the next room . Jessie listened .
" They’re playing ‘One More Time’!" she said excitedly .
" Gotta go !" James told 2-D . " See you at next year’s family picnic !"
Team Rocket dashed out onto the dance floor . Ant and Dec followed , with Cat trailing after them , trying in vain to arrange a time and meeting place so that no-one would get lost . Spike and Vegeta propped up the bar while Scott and Aoi stood with the other live music fans . Gorillaz began their set .
" Can I help you ?" the barman asked .
" Tequila slammer ," Vegeta told him . Spike slapped down a twenty on the counter .
" Just give me a pint of vodka mixed with something red and frothy ," he said . He looked over at the stage . Gorillaz had just finished their first song .
" We’d like to play another track from our album . . ." 2-D said into the microphone .
" ‘Dracula’ !" Spike shouted .
2-D looked surprised . He cleared his throat .
" Um , ‘Dracula’ is actually a B-side and it’s not on the . . ."
" ‘Dracula’!" Spike yelled again .
2-D attempted to continue .
" Like I was saying , it’s a B-side and we haven’t really rehearsed . . ."
" Sing the fucking song !"
2-D looked around at the band . Murdoc nodded .
" A’right ," he said . " ‘Dracula’."
Gorillaz continued with their set , going down well with the students and those crewmembers of the SoL not into dance music . Which wasn’t to say that Scott , Aoi , Spike and Vegeta weren’t dancing . Scott and Aoi swayed to the music along with all the other nihilistic , surly , depressed teenagers and young adults around them . Being ever-so-cool (and ever-so-pissed), Spike’s dancing consisted of subtle head movements , punctuated by the occasional deft flick of cigarette ash onto the ground . Vegeta openly head-banged . Even during the songs without driving drum-beats . Eventually he made himself dizzy and ended up on the floor . . . of course , it might have had something to do with the eleven shots of tequila he’d had that night , combined with his Saiyan high metabolic rate . He staggered to his feet and clung to the bar .
Spike was in a rambling mood .
" I tell you , Buffy and Angel ," he slurred , " . . . make you sick . . . Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . . Buffy the Vampire Layer . . ." He finished off his fifth pint of vodka and cranberry juice . " I hate her so much . . . why won’t she sleep with me ?"
" I thought . . . (hic) thought you hated her ," Vegeta said in puzzlement .
" Oh , I don’t want a ‘relationship’," Spike answered . " I just wanna bang ’er ."
" Yeah , good (hic) idea ," Vegeta slurred . " Women just drive you nuts if you stay with them , trying to (hic) change you . Tha-that’s why I just . . . screw ’em and leave ’em . . ."
Gorillaz were taking a break . The sounds of the disco filtered through into the back bar . ‘Relax’ was playing .
" It’s ’cos I’m ugly ," Spike said dejectedly , slumping onto the bar . " That’s it , isn’t it !" he yelled . " I’m ugly !" He started to sob . " That’s why Dru left . . ."
Vegeta patted him on the back .
" Don’t be ridiculous ," he told him . " You (hic) you look great ."
Spike looked at him . " Really ?"
Vegeta shifted awkwardly . " Well , it’s not . . . not like you’re def-deformed or anything . . ."
He trailed off . They gazed into each other’s eyes . . .
Suddenly James lurched over and flung his arms around their shoulders . Both of them looked away .
" Hello , chaps ," he slurred . " Having a good time ?" Before either of them could answer , he turned to Spike . " Spike , Spike , Spike , Spike . Spike , Spike , Spike . Spike . Come here , Spike ."
" What ?" the vampire asked .
" I just wanted to tell you ," James hiccuped , " that I forgive you ."
Spike looked at him in confusion . " For what ?"
" For the pop rox and soda ," James replied . " I forgive you ." Before Spike could react , he turned to Vegeta . " Hey ! Let’s paint ourselves blue , and sneak into that new Daft Punk video ." Vegeta stared back at him blankly . James suddenly spotted something on the floor . " Ooh , a Skittle !" He fell over backwards . Vegeta and Spike looked at him , then looked at each other . Spike fingered his collar nervously .
" It’s bloody hot in here ," he remarked awkwardly . " Let’s get some fresh air ."
" Okay ," Vegeta replied .
On the dance floor , Cat was getting worried . There was no sign of Team Rocket , Spike and Vegeta had just stumbled past her and Scott and Aoi seemed to have fallen through the earth’s crust . Ant was in severe danger of seriously pissing off all the bouncers and Dec was threatening to moon the DJ .
" I’m buggered if I’m going to be the only sober one ," she said to herself . She went up to the bar .
After fifteen shots of vodka and Red Bull , Cat found herself caring less and less about her fellow crewmates . She dismissed such foul and evil thoughts , and staggered over to Ant and Dec in a fresh burst of drunken enthusiasm .
" C’mon , guys ," she pleaded . " Let’s go find the others ."
" I’m starvin’ ," Dec announced . " Let’s get somethin’ to eat ." He wrapped his arms around Ant’s and Cat’s shoulders . After nearly falling headlong down the stairs , the trio made it onto the street , where Dec proceeded to drag Ant and Cat to the dodgiest fast food place around , and ordered everything on the menu . Yes , even the onion rings .
Half an hour later , Dec was throwing up .
Ant was hysterical . " Ha , ha , you were laughin’ at me earlier , and you can’t even handle a little post-piss-up cuisine !" he roared . Cat looked around and suddenly spotted Team Rocket staggering towards them . She looked in the other direction and saw Aoi and Scott approaching , giggling and screaming Papa Roach lyrics at each other .
" Where have you two been ?" Cat asked .
" We’ve been in FX ," Scott replied , " drinking shots . . ."
" And groping anything with two legs ," Aoi added . She started giggling . " Mostly each other ."
" And then some Goths invited us to puke on Oliver Plunkett Street with them ," Scott finished . He and Aoi looked at each other .
" Dead CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL !" they screamed in unison . Cat put her arms around them .
" This is so great !" she hiccuped . " We’re almost like a family again . . . all we gotta do is find Vegeta and Spike . . ."
" Ain’t dat dem over dere ?" Meowth said , pointing .
Sure enough , the weird shape that looked like a puddle of radioactive waste in the gutter a few yards away turned out to be Vegeta and Spike , surrounded by their own green oozing vomit . Both of them leered menacingly at their concerned crewmates . Vegeta punched the air pointlessly , while Spike threw a few devil signs at passing cars . The others helped them up .
" Ow , my arse hurts ," Spike moaned . Cat inspected the gutter .
" I’m not surprised ," she said . " You were lying on a broken bottle , you big silly !"
With nowhere in particular to go , the crew wandered off aimlessly down the street . Well , those who could wander , wandered . Jessie and James simply fell down the street with their arms around each other . Meowth clung precariously to James’ back .
" Team Rocket’s rocking , talking trouble , double trouble , Poké trouble , big trouble’s gonna follow you . . ." they sang . . . well , singing wasn’t the right word , since their voices had ceased to be voices and were now vulgar shouting devices . James paused suddenly . He spotted a payphone . He disentangled himself from Jessie and staggered towards it . Jessie stumbled after him .
" James , what are you doing ?" she asked .
" I’m calling the Boss and telling him the wedding’s off and from now on he can get his own bananas !" James explained . He fell against her .
" James , you’re plastered !" Jessie giggled . James straightened up a little and looked at her .
" Well so are you ," he replied , sounding a little wounded . He put in some change and dialled the number . " Hello , Boss ?" He listened . " I just wanted to tell you that you’re nothing but an ugly son of a Growlithe ." Meowth whispered something into James’ ear . James nodded . " Meowth says you’re an ass-ramming uncle-fucker ." Giggling , Jessie whispered something . " Jessie says to flush yourself down the toilet where you belong ." He listened . " Well , that suits us just fine !" he said . " Catch Pikachu yourself , Your Royal Bitchness ! Because I am over you ! And that , my friend , is what we call closure . . ."
He bashed the receiver back on the hook and the trio staggered off . The phone rang furiously . Vegeta came up to it and stared at the receiver . He picked it up , bit through the cord and ate it .
Spike came up to Dec and Cat and flung his arms around their shoulders . " Guys , guys , guys ," he slurred , hugging them . He looked up thoughtfully at the sky . " You know what I’d like to do now ?" Cat shook her head . Spike looked from one to the other , grinning . " I’d like to teach , the world to sing ! " he bawled . Ant shoved his way in between Cat and Spike .
" Check out this crackin’ traffic cone !" he shouted , showing them .
" One World Cup and two world wars , doo-dah , doo-dah !" Spike yelled . A few students across the street laughed and shouted , " Up the ’RA !"
" Rule Britannia !" Spike shouted . Cat tried to shush him .
" Quiet , Spike ," she told him . " You’ll get us all in trouble !"
Spike leered at her . " Anything for you , babe ," he slurred , then fell off the footpath and into the gutter . Ant put the traffic cone on his head and started dancing around . "Aye , look at me ," he shouted . " I’m a wimpy Southerner who can’t handle thirty pints o’ special brew !" He struck a mock kung-fu pose . " I fight with me fingers !"
Jessie started laughing . She quickly became hysterical . She clung on tightly to James and the pair of them almost fell over .
" It’s not that funny ," Cat said .
" I’m not laughing at him ," Jessie giggled . Cat looked at her quizzically .
" Then what are you laughing at ?" she asked .
Jessie stopped and thought .
" I don’t know !" she shouted , descending into fits of laughter again .
" CRAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIN , THESE WOOOOUUUUUNDS THEY WIIIIIIL NOT HEEEEEEAAAAAAL !" Scott and Aoi screamed at each other. Scott stopped suddenly and pointed up ahead . " Uh-oh ."
The rest of the crew looked to where he was pointing . A gang of grim , angry-looking students was approaching them .
" Oh no ," Cat said in horror .
" Ya tink dat’s bad ?" Meowth cried . " Look ovuh dere !"
He pointed in the opposite direction . Another gang of grim , angry-looking students was approaching them from behind .
" All right , all right ," Cat said quickly . " Let’s not panic –"
" KILL THE CULCHIES !"
Both gangs rushed together and started beating the tar out of each other .
The crew was caught in the middle . Cat skipped out of the fighting and started clicking her heels desperately .
" There’s no place like home ! There’s no place like home !" she repeated frantically .
Dec was on the ground , surrounded by three big guys . "Don’t kick me ," he begged , " I’m a Geordie !" Suddenly everything went white . When the white faded away , Dec was lying in bed aboard the SoL . He looked around .
" Oh !" he exclaimed . " It was all a dream . Fancy that ." He got up and started pulling his clothes on . Suddenly he heard a shout .
" KILL THE CULCHIES !"
Dec sat on the bed in terror . " Oh no !" he yelled . " This is the dream !"
He was back on the street about to be kicked in the head when Aoi woke up , back on the SoL .
" Whew ," she said in relief . She heard noises on the corridor and went to the door . The rest of the crew were at their bedroom doors in their pyjamas . She looked at them in puzzlement .
" Did you all have the same dream I had ?" she asked .
" About getting off this thing ?" Cat said , nodding .
" And ending up in Cork ?" Scott added .
Ant frowned and ducked into his room .
" Too freaky ," Aoi remarked . " How come all ten of us had the same dream ?"
Ant reappeared on the corridor .
" Hey lads ," he said , confuzzled . " If it was just a dream . . ." He produced something from behind his back . " . . . then how come I’ve got a traffic cone ?"
" AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH !"
Spike woke up . At first he couldn’t work out what the noise was . Then he realised he was lying on his Were-Bear . He pulled it out from underneath him . The poor thing was on its last growl . He pulled the blanket around himself . Strange . . . his bedroom felt a bit drafty . He rolled over . . . and that’s when he saw the sleeping figure next to him . He broke into a cold sweat as he realised he was in bed with Vegeta .
Giovanni jerked awake . It was still dark . He groaned . He reached out for the bottle on the night stand and squinted at the label in the dim light . He took a swig and burped , tasting last night’s dodgy pizza . His Persian poked its head out from under the covers . It looked bedraggled and none too well . Gio poured the dregs of the bottle into his hand and let the Persian lick them up .
" AA meeting first thing in the morning ," he grumbled . He threw the bottle away and passed out again .
The End
If you experienced any conditions which detracted from the theatrical presentation of this motion picture , call 1-800-THX and they will wonder what the hell you are talking about before calling the men in white coats .
Alternatively , send the defective packet to the company and they will wonder what kind of cheaparse wants a refund of 25p for a bag of stale crisps before telling you to fuck yourself . Your statutory rights are not affected .
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