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I’m in one of those strange moods again. In one of those, `I want to
write a fic but make it different` moods. Think I may have Mike and Loder to
blame for this, their contributions to my site got me thinking of daft ideas,
and script format... So, I decided to give the SoL crew the fic off. Just the one. Ah, so generous… There shall,
briefly, be a new crew in to replace them. Have no fear, they are as inept as
the last lot, possibly more so. And if you’re wondering why the lack of
updates, I shall say one word to you- VIRUS. Big nasty one. Blah. But, no panic
for me, tis over. Anyway. First, though, go read Mike and Loder’s fics.
Partially because laughter is good for your health, and partially to see that
I’m sorta justified in the Alex-torture. No, really. Would you say it’s good or
bad to be Bagpuss Girl? I’m not sure, and fics are my only way to retaliate…
Enjoy, a MSTing of a cyberwulf fic… btw, all these wacky people are performing
for your amusement on the MST3K ½ boards! Hahaha! http://www.xsorbit.com/users/ZeroJiro/index.cgi,
get there now! … feedback-icca- kojiro_muyo@hotmail.com.
[Not a good way to start a fic- eye rolling. But that’s how this one
starts, with the misplaced crew of the SoL rolling their eyes in disgust.]
CAT: *snorts* Oh, please! Can we say `big, pointless in-joke?`
SPIKE: Hell, I know, has she lost her bloody mind? She was off before,
but this...
VEGETA: I can’t see how anyone would actually enjoy-
[Cut. Bugger this for a bag of chips, I call for a new beginning. And
yes, I can steal back my commentary in square brackets gimmick that was stolen
from me.]
KATE: And the whole `self appearance in story under you actual name`
thing?
[K, that wasn’t stolen from me. But I care not. Get on with it, a more
positive beginning this time…]
*So,
the SoL crew is pleased, for once. It’s rare, savour it. They’re all holding
suitcases and wearing clashing Hawaiian shirts and shorts.*
WASHU: *singing to herself * Holi-holi-holiday!
ANT: How did we all end up wearing the same horrible shirt?
JESSIE: You’re not supposed to think in fics. Anyway, shush, Giovanni’s
calling.
[Cue annoying chirpy beep-beep noise, that everyone means to uninstall,
but there’s just so much else to do, and I’ve put my back out, and I can’t find
the Philips Screwdriver…]
GIOVANNI: Hello once more. Every time I see you people, I’m reminded
why I shouldn’t ever get that wasted again.
DEC: Aww, that’s nice…
GIOVANNI: Shut up. You’ve been allotted your one-fic holid- why are you
all wearing those horrible shirts? You’re not even going to Hawaii!
DEC: It’s just what you wear for a standard going away on holiday scene
gear. Or at least, according to the Big Book O’ Cliches it is! *pulls book out
of suitcase* An invaluable source for any fanfic star! It includes `insertion
of characters cause you think they’re cute!`
SPIKE: `Insertion of characters so people can speculate about gay
relationships!`
VEGETA: Hmm?
AOI: *appearing from nowhere*
`Insertion of characters much like the author!` *disappears again*
ANT: And the timeless `Insertion of characters cause they say
“Greyhounds”!`
WASHU: *winking at the camera* Don’t forget the `Insertion of the
worrying amount of the word “insertion”!`
GIOVANNI: This joke’s gone on long enough… I’m sending up the next
crew, then you’re going away, where you can’t annoy me so much. *pushes The
Button, so important it requires capital letters*
VOICE: Ech! *something heavy, but not so heavy as to be over a size 12,
UK skirt sizes, falls from the ceiling hits the sofa. Cue explosion of foam and
springs*
JESSIE: *peering over sunglasses* Hmm, probably we should move that.
After all, every time someone comes up here, James has to rebuild the sofa…
JAMES: *grinning and brandishing a hammer* I can’t fix things, so I
just stick nails in it til it looks better!
VOICE: Where the feck did all these nails come from?
[And here you see why Aoi and Scott left...]
SPIKE: *raising eyebrow* Whu?
KATE: *pulling herself out of the sofa wreckage, and removing rusty
nails from where they may hurt rather a lot* Umph.. you helped everyone else
out of this, why do I have to work? I write such lazy-arse characters…
VEGETA: *pulling a face* Doesn’t get much worse than that…
KATE: Hey, you’re not the one who was peacefully playing Streetfighter,
and kicking Ryu’s butt in under ten seconds, I may add, before disappearing in
a haze of sparks… poor Chun Li’s probably just standing there…
GIOVANNI: I’m not done yet.
[As promised, someone else falls onto the remains of said sofa/nail
death garden]
KATE: Gyah! No fair! Rusty nails, now this…
MIKE: *dazed. As you would be, falling onto a sofa and your girlfriend
when not expecting it* Ah, hello.
KATE: *eyebrows raise* That’s handy... Now for the set-up line… Could
be a lot worse! *waits expectantly*
[Guess what? Another person plummets onto the severely wrecked sofa,
the tetnus-playground nails, and the severely bruised people. Didn’t see that
coming, did’ja?]
MIKE: Ow-ow-OW! Too tall and heavy!
CREW: *take a step back* Aaah, SHIT…
ALEX: Wurgh.. Ah, dammit, you people again?
CAT: Don’t get near him, he may spontaniously die again at any point!
SPIKE: *holds suitcase defensively* Don’t move, or I’ll…
ALEX: *adjusting hair* You’ll what, savagely think about kittens at me?
SPIKE: …shut up.
MIKE: Great, we’re being set up for some insane, cameo-rich fic that
won’t even be any good…
JESSIE: You get used to it.
GIOVANNI: *pissed off* Oi! I’m still here!
DEC: I thought it said you pissed off…
GIOVANNI: Yes. No. Shut up... stupid script format… I’ll send in the
fic senders shortly, you lot get out now, there’s too many characters about for
the author to handle! *mumbles* Count to ten, don’t give in to the drink…
*screen flicks off*
KATE: *looking up* Sod off, then.
JAMES: Hey! Can’t you treat us with more decency? *whining* We’re
people toooo…
KATE: *throws shoes* Sod off!
VEGETA: Fine, don’t expect me to come running if a super powered alien
tries to kill you, then.
MIKE: Fine.
VEGETA: Fine.
MIKE: That’s just dandy.
VEGETA: OK by me.
MIKE: No problems there.
VEGETA: Good thing, too.
*the crew walk off indignantly, not used to all being chucked off so
damn early in the fic. James pouts even more than usual.*
ALEX: You know what?
KATE: Hmm?
ALEX: It’s odd how none of us find any of this in the least bit
disconcerting, isn’t it? I mean, we just sent a bunch of fictional characters
packing, and now we’re stood on the equally fictional bridge of the Satellite
of Love… If you think about it, it’s not really a normal Wednesday, is it?
MIKE: I hear if you don’t think about that sort of thing in fanfic, you
eventually forget it.
[There’s a pause. The new crew stare blankly for a few minutes. The
non-exsistant wind whistles. A tumbleweed rolls past, against all the laws of
nature, I mean,. Why would a tumbleweed grow on a man made surface, then dry
out, then roll about, it’s just plain silly- *sound of a taser* ]
KATE: …I’m hungry…
ALEX: Plotholes forgotten.
KATE: Best way to erase plotholes- make another, bigger, plothole!
[Quiet, you. Me. Whatever.]
KATE: Heh, me is so stupid… Oh, wait…
[Heh. Cue chirpy-beep-beep-noise…]
ALEX: Oh bloody hell…
MIKE: It can’t be…
KATE: It is…
ALEX: A really pissed off penguin…
MIKE: No, to the left of that… a mecha wolf and a brain on spider legs.
[And indeed, there is a mecha wolf and a brain on spider legs. But not
just any mecha wolf and brain on spider legs, oh no. For that would be silly.
This is Cyberwulf and Spider Mastermind, scribes of such excellent fics as `And
Now for Something Completely Demented`, `Spike up Your Night`, `Disturbing-`]
MIKE: Oh, shush, just direct them to your site again.
[ http://www.geocities.com/dittoblue/mst.html
-surely the bestest best place ever! Apaart from http://ianj.keenspace.com, that is. ]
CYBERWULF: *on screen* Helloo! I’m mostly here to confuse you!
SPIDER MASTERMIND: And the nice weird scary bald man with sweets asked
us to help him! I liked playing with the kitty!
CYBERWULF: And the kitty liked playing with you.
KATE: Is that Mr. Bigglesworth, the kitty I can see curled up in a ball
under that chair?
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Maybe.
KATE: Why’s it got a bottle of prozac?
SPIDER MASTERMIND: *annoyed* Never you mind!
ALEX: If I weren’t so confused, I’d be worried about all this…
MIKE: This is all insane and nonsensical. *grins* All your hallmarks,
love…
KATE: *hugs Mike* Thanks, darling…
[They move closer to each other, faces almost touching, until-]
ALEX: NO-NO-NO. Being stuck up here with those irritatingly horny gimps
is possibly worse than being stuck down there, dying repeatedly, having several
alter-egos and being sent spinning in several different plot directions!
MIKE: *breaking away* Didn’t know you were in Monty Python.
CYBERWULF: Stop acting out of character, we’re still here, you know…
MIKE: Do we have character?
KATE: Hmm… I’m the hyper one, you’re the clever musicy funny one, and
Alex is the cynical funny one. Who likes emus.
ALEX: I’ve told you this a thousand times, it was an EMULATOR…
MIKE: Violating computer files is not much better.
KATE: Compu-phile! *grins* Ooh, I like that… *sing-song* Compu-phile,
compu-phile, compu-phile…
[Mike grins. Alex buries his face in his hands and weeps openly. In
Evil HQ where the throughly un-evil Wulf and Spider reside for the time being…
there’s a laser in the background one of many Dr Evil made, with what looks
like tooth marks on it. There’s an abandoned pizza box on the floor, and
several crushed cans of beer. There are fluffy dice on the control panel, which
is currently being used for Mortal Kombat 4 and NOT world domination, and two
tabby cats curled up on some vital componant or another.]
SPIDER MASTERMIND: *turning away from their side of the screen, which
still has a singing Kate and a sobbing Alex on it* Maybe we should just leave
them to talk to themselves, they’ll eventually go insane anyway.
CYBERWULF: Nope, we do this right, or we get no pay. No pay means no
Digital. No Digital means no Star Trek, except endless repeats of the Next
Generation at really awkward BBC scheduling times!
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Noooo! How will we feed Nelly?
CYBERWULF: Prezaktly! The nice weird man send to send them something to
make them go crazy… but which fic to send?
SPIDER MASTERMIND: A documentary on molluscs? A copy of Victoria
Beckham’s autobiography? An All Saints album? Or something…really tedious and
hideous… *waves something in one of many legs*
CYBERWULF: *eyes glowing blue* Gotit! A fanfic… one of mine. Cause I
said so.
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Aww… *puts Westlife annual away*
CYBERWULF: Oh, shush, you know you like looking at the pictures.
[They both turn back to the screen, where Kate is still singing, and
Mike is looking through the drawers at the CD collections.]
KATE: Compu-phile, compu-phile…
ALEX: Leader, for the love of god, get your girlfriend to shut up…
MIKE: *engrossed* Kate, shush…
KATE: *stops instantly* Ok.
ALEX: Bloody hell… what’re you doing there, anyway?
MIKE: *flicking through the compartment marked `Dec`* These people have
the poorest taste… Lolly? What the fuck…?
ALEX: Wouldn’t have expected that of an MTV presenter, two ex-popstars
and several fictional characters.
MIKE: *riffling through another part* Spike’s seem OK… Sex Pistols,
Billy Idol, PiL…
KATE: *pulling something out of Spike’s section*…`B*witched, C’est La
Vie.`
ALEX: Oh dear. Maybe we shouldn’t have seen that one…
KATE: Well, I did have to break into this small deposit box with a bit
of C4, then melt the adantium covering, then pick the little diary lock on the
front to get to it. *Brightly* So I’m guessing he won’t mind us seeing.
SPIDER MASTERMIND: Oi! Quit being unamusing, we demand attention now!
CYBERWULF: We’re going to send you a fanfic-
ALEX: Ah, ok.
CYBERWULF: One of mine, actually, a shipper fic.
ALEX: Dear god, no… Knew I shouldn’t have kicked that dog when I was
ten, it all comes back to you eventually…
CYBERWULF: Damn straight. In thee go!
[On the SoL, the movie sign flashes, and thus, the fic is queued up and
ready to roll.]
MIKE: *replacing Led Zepplin II* Meanhead.
ALEX: I know it’s dark in there, but you two keep your hands to
yourselves…
KATE: Meanhead. Meanheads, everywhere…
[The crew slope into the theatre like sloping slope-things. Alex sits
to the left, carrying a can of Lilt and a large bag of M&Ms. Kate sits in
the middle, trying and failing to steal some M&Ms. Mike sits on the right
end, taking the opportunity to lean over Kate to get some M&Ms. Thus, their
sloping ends.]
KATE: The word `slope` is criminally underused these days.
MIKE: Right, let’s agree now… Taboo subjects are: Giles and
Xander/Spike/Oz/Ethan/some sort of quadraped sex. Penguins. Sisley. Grammar
riffs.
KATE: I’ll sit this one out, then, shall I?
ALEX: *miserably* Knew I should’ve watch Space Mutiny this morning, now
I’ll probably go insane before I get to see it… *cracks open Lilt can*
The Morning After
A Shipper by Cyberwulf
MIKE:
`A shipper by cyberwulf`, four words that strike fear into the hearts of men
and beasts!
KATE:
What about beast-men?
MIKE:
No-one asked them yet…
KATE:
Poor left-out beast-men…
ALEX:
I’m sure they’ll be happy, because they don’t even exsist, and therefore have
no way to feel bad.
KATE:
*grins* I love a happy ending.
Rated 15s (allusions , but
nothing graphic)
MIKE:
`Nothing graphic`… an even better way to start a fic than eye-rolling.
ALEX:
So you’d prefer hardcore porn, then, Leader?
MIKE:
Thought you’d never ask… but not right here, while Kate’s watching…
KATE:
Ah,you big kidder, you.. *punches Mike lightly on the shoulder* …you are
kidding, right?
MIKE:
YES!
KATE:
Good. I’ll cancel the threapy.
The sun was already high over
Sunnydale when Rupert Giles finally awoke . He opened his eyes a crack . Trying
to ignore the pounding in his head , and failing miserably ,
MIKE:
…he told the marching band to get out of his room, and the pounding
coincidentaly stopped.
he stared blearily at his alarm
clock . He thanked God the blinds were drawn – he was in no condition to deal
with bright sunshine . He burped , tasting scotch . . . and – bananas ?
ALEX: (as Giles) W-why I am in the monkey
house at Chester Zoo? Oh dear god… not again… I always come back to Mr
Chuckles, always…
At last he made out the numbers on his clock .
There was no point getting up – he was late anyway .
KATE: Don’t worry, he’s past childbearing
age. His womb will never bear fruit.
MIKE: That’s actually quite disturbing.
He rolled over . . . and froze . He was not alone . He took in the
blonde hair , the youthful body , the smooth skin , the quilt pulled coyly up
around the shoulders .
ALEX: Don’t be silly, Leader, you know
perfectly well it’s Dexter Holland.
He sat up in shock . His blood ran cold as he recognised the sleeping
figure . Giles put his head in his hands .
“ Good lord , what have I
done ?” he moaned .
KATE:
(as Giles) I did it again, didn’t I? Slept with some random person, and woke up
holding a severed head. It’s gonna be one of those days…
Broken every rule in the book
, old man , his conscience replied , that’s what you’ve done . Giles sighed .
He searched for his memories of the previous night . How on earth did this
happen ?
KATE: Or a practical demonstration?
ALEX: Don’t you two dare.
KATE: *leaning towards Mike* The best way of
learning is a hands-on experience…
MIKE: It’s scientifically proven.
ALEX: Don’t make me get the fire
extinguisher…
MIKE: Try to get it, it has a squadron of
bodyguards.
[I’m sorry.. no-one’ll get that reference
but us… it was just one I had to put in.]
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day
, not a good day for either of them . All those couples simply made loneliness
hit all the harder . Oh , they’d played the game . . .
KATE:
Yes, they’d played Charades… it was fun until Anya broke Xander’s arm while
miming E.R…
allowed themselves to be dragged out on the town ,
ALEX:
*as Spike* Oh, fine then, tie me to the back of a horse-driven cart and pull me
painfully through the cobbled streets of London. But only cause it’s you, ok?
pretended they were fine , and weren’t desperately missing their absent
lovers . Somehow , they’d wound up together. Maybe it was because the rest of
the Scooby gang had someone special to be with .
MIKE:
Yes, Buffy had anyone she wanted, Willow had Tara, and Xander had his right
hand and thoughts of Willow and Tara.
Giles massaged his forehead .
His memories were slowly starting to return . They were both stumbling down the
street , both very drunk , holding onto each other for support , talking . . .
no , singing . ‘Boys of Summer’, for some reason . Then , without warning ,
KATE: They started to sing `Agadoo`. Both at
the same time. With the dance.
ALEX: They traumatised each other and never
ever met again, the end.
they had kissed .
MIKE: Eww, slayer-on-watcher action…
ALEX: Could be worse, could’ve been that
Merrick dude…
KATE: What, with Giles?
ALEX: Argh! I did NOT mean that… urgh…
He remembered – they’d both been surprised , and a little shocked .
They’d known immediately that they’d crossed a line . They were in forbidden
territory .
Wrong , wrong , wrong .
MIKE: *overdramatic* I sense guilt in this
scene, coupled with a sense of unknowing tension…
KATE: Muh?
MIKE: I don’t know either.
But then they’d kissed again
.
Giles looked down at the floor . A strange pair of jeans lay there among his clothes .
ALEX: (as Giles) Weird, never seen a pair of jeans made entirely of hay before…
He remembered staring at those too-tight jeans as the wearer sat on his lap and kissed him . . . then unbuttoned his shirt . He’d murmured , “ No ,” as a final , half-hearted protest , but then that soft voice he knew so well had whispered , “ Don’t fight it , Giles .”
KATE:
It’s Wesley.
MIKE:
Is not, it’s Xander…
ALEX: Would
Cordy be a too-obvious one?
BOTH:
Yeah.
ALEX: Damn. I vote the Mayor, then.
He’d begged , “ Call me Rupert .”
He remembered other things , too – how his partner had shivered in pleasure at his touch , the sight of a body more perfect than he’d ever imagined , the feel of soft , supple flesh against his own . There was a dull ache in his groin . They must have really gone at it .
KATE:
Uurgh…
ALEX:
Yeah… hang on, what’re you `uurgh-ing` at?
KATE:
Uurgh to the thought of Giles… doing.. that…
ALEX: Then I second your uurgh…
Giles looked over at his still-slumbering lover , looking so peaceful and innocent . . . and suddenly he was disgusted at himself and at the part of him that had enjoyed last night , and his face burned
ALEX:
(as Giles) Oops, forgot about the molten bedhead…
with shame for what he had done . How could he have been so irresponsible ? He was supposed to be the sensible one . The Watcher shook his head in despair . He could no longer deny the attraction between them . But it would never work ,
MIKE:
But with Engergizer batteries, relationhips can go on and on and on and on…
and not just because of the age gap , he thought ruefully .
MIKE:
Hmm, why am I thinking so much about Freanch roads?
The whole thing was , and should have stayed , off-limits . He only hoped that he hadn’t done too much damage .
KATE:
Christ, was he in there with a chainsaw, or something?
MIKE/ALEX:
*turn green*
KATE:
Oh, taboo, sorry… *hits self five times on the arm*
The sleeping body filling the other half of his bed stirred suddenly .
KATE:
Christ, a whole half??
MIKE:
It’s bloody Hagrid!
ALEX: *shivering* Of all the mental images I’ve prayed to never have…
The eyes opened . They widened as they took in Giles , his nakedness , and the surroundings .
“ Oh , bloody hell ,” Spike groaned , before closing his eyes and dropping back onto the pillow .
ALL:
*scream in terror*
KATE:
Oh dear god oh dear god oh dear god…
MIKE:
Get the melon baller. I’m removing my eyes NOW.
ALEX:
Just eyes? I want a brain removing device.
KATE:
Oh dear god oh dear god oh dear god…
ALEX:
*waves hand in front of Kate’s eyes* She’s medically dead.
KATE:
Oh dear god oh dear god oh dear god…
MIKE:
It’s ok, she just gets like that when she has bad mental images… *throws bucket
of water*
ALEX:
*soaked* Improve your aim, Leader.
KATE: Uh…? *shakes head* Where? What? Spike, Giles?
The End
KATE: Ah, good, I like those words…
A/N ~(--(^- : I got the idea for this fic a while back , when I typed “buffy” + “shipper” into Yahoo for a laugh ,
ALEX: A LAUGH? The horror of Giles/Spike stems from a LAUGH??
and got three links: Buffy/Giles , Willow/Giles and Willow/Angel . I read some of the Buffy/Giles ones , and was struck by their over-all mushy sappiness . I mentioned this to a friend , who innocently remarked , “ Wouldn’t you like to write one that was really over the top and submit it just to see what happened ?”
MIKE:
(as Friend) Wouldn’t you like to stick your face in the toaster and see what
happens?
KATE: (as wulf) …maybe I’ll stick to the fic idea…
That set me thinking (never good) , and I decided to write a send-up of a shipper in which you’re led to believe it’s Buffy and Giles , but it turns out to be Spike and Giles . (Yeah I should have put this at the start , but hey ! that would have ruined the ending .)
MIKE: And given us a two-minute warning to get out…
Anyway , if you laughed your head off when you found out , mission accomplished .
ALEX:
If you screamed and wanted to claw your eyes out?
KATE: Ah, twasn’t really that bad… the mental images, however…
BTW , don’t worry – I have no plans to write a prequel . This was purely for the laugh . To all genuine B/G shippers out there , who may want to kill me or at least flame me , no offence intended . I don’t think you’re weird or anything like that , and I do realise there is a certain level of feeling between your favourite couple on which you base your fics , but the two of them going to bed together . . . [grimaces and shakes paw] sorry , I just don’t see it .
MIKE:
*sighs* Good wulf! Goood wulf! The world thanks you!
ALEX:
We thank you!
KATE: The greyhounds thank you!
As we say in Ireland , sure I’m only messin’ !
God , this is some long note . . .
Anyway , this is also why there’s some implied S/G shippyness in one or two of my other fics . Again , (like all my shippyness) it’s purely to get a laugh . Just thought I’d explain .
ALEX:
That does numb the pain somewhat…
KATE:
If she actually meant it, I’d have to get my sawn-off shotgun and chainsaw
hand…
MIKE:
*blinks*
KATE:
Evil Dead reference!
MIKE: Phew.
The REAL End (serious this time !) -^)--)~
MIKE:
Now we leave.
KATE:
I repeat; damn straight.
ALEX:
Dear theatre, we bid you adieu… May we
never come in here again…
KATE:
I hope not, I left Chun Li on pause at home.
MIKE:
Wonder if my parents noticed I disappeared in the middle of dinner or not?
ALEX:
All important questions, but let’s go, they might send Insipid up yet…
ALL:
Eek! *run*
[The
`crew` exunt, leaving behind nought but a cloud of dust and a ticket stub. Back
in Evil HQ…]
SPIDER
MASTERMIND: *crouching on the floor, holding a small bottle* Here, kitty kitty,
we have methodine for you…
CYBERWULF:
Spider, stop doping up cats, ma told you off fer this twice already!
SPIDER
MASTERMIND: Sorry… *looking up to see fic light flash* ooh, they’re done, them.
CYBERWULF:
Oooh, goodie!
[In
the SoL, tearful goodbyes are being said…]
MIKE:
See you on Monday, Loder.
ALEX:
Whatever. Bye.
KATE:
See you.
[All
wait for the crackle of blue eletricity…nothing happens.]
ALEX:
…wuh?
KATE:
Why haven’t we been electrocuted yet??
CYBERWULF:
Who said you were only in for one short shipper fic? Kojiro has a huge backlog
right now…
MIKE:
Now, I think we should all time this right. On three, look up and say it. One,
two… three.
[All
look upwards and scream `NOOOOOOOOOOOO!`]
CYBERWULF:
Cool, synchronised yellage! Push the button, Spider.
[Click.
End of fic. I think.]