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Zounds, ‘tis an incredibly unfunny "thing"!
Ugh… what a way to start my first "fanfic". Actually, that isn’t strictly true: this isn’t so much a fanfic as an "I-could-do-better" thingy. Plus, it isn’t surreal enough to be a proper fanfic, as, although I came up with the idea at two-o-clock in the morning, it’s now five to twelve, meaning that my slothful lifestyle has been disrupted. Damn. Anyway, enough bull, I hope you enjoy.
Oh yeah, before I forget, this was "inspired" by the fanfic of when Xander and Oz were drinking in a bar and the narrator was talking to them You know it, I’ve forgotten the name. Well, the talking to the Narrator bit is.
In fact, no. This isn’t a fanfic, it’s a fan-satire.
DISCLAIMER: Um, god knows what to put here. Every other fanfic I saw had a disclaimer, so I better get one too. OK. Everyone in this story is fictional. Any similarity to real people, living, dead or in-between (Spike, for example…) is ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL, apart from this list of real people.
1) Wonkey Donkey.
That is all. Here we go, then. Get bored, just holler, and Prozac will be on it’s way!
[The camera swings round the SMTV studio, as assorted gimps scream out. DEC is soon silenced, however. The camera hovers on a dashingly handsome 14-year-old boy, sitting in the guest section, who notices the camera and glares into it.]
ALEX: Right, what the fuck is going on?
[Excuse me?]
ALEX: Jesus Christ, you’ve reached a new low, you know that?
[Beg pard?]
ALEX: You’re STARRING in a FANFIC?
[Oh. Erm, yes.]
ALEX: You sicken me.
[Watch it, bud, or you’ll be sorry]
ALEX: Oh come on, you can’t even win an argument with YOURSELF! What are you gonna do, huh?
[Well, for a start, I can make you speak LESS LIKE AN AMERICAN]
ALEX: Yeah, whatever. Just try not to make this into an ego trip, please?
[Sure thing, "buddy"]
ALEX: THANK you. I mean, sitting through an entire egotistical fanfic would be too much to bear….
[Bastard. Right, that’s my plans scuppered. Looks like it’s time to go onto plan B, the Comedy Special ™. Well. The camera spins round to the front of the studio, where ANT, DEC and CAT are, gurning like idiots.]
ANT: HELLOOOO!
DEC: HELLLOOOO!
CAT: Hi.
ANT: Wow, we’ve got a BRILLIANT SHOW ON today!!!!!
ALEX: Five exclamation marks… the sure sign of an insane mind…
[A siren goes off, and neon signs begin to flash: "STOLEN, STOLEN!"
ALEX: Ok, sorry, that was from a Terry Pratchett book.
CAT: There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
ALEX: *grumbles*
[The SMTV jingle plays, as the irritating Voiceover From Hell drones on about the things they have on today’s show]
ANT AS VOICEOVER: "Coming up next, the gang in pokémon discover a lost civilization, in which only incredibly stupid people may survive!"
ALEX: *to RACHEL FROM S CLUB 7* Excuse me, could you kick this chair out from under me when I’m in the noose? Thanks.
A.A.V: "And then, we chat with FIVE!"
ALEX: *tightens tourniquet, grips syringe in teeth*
A.A.V: "At half past ten, the girls from CLUELESS do their stuff!"
ALEX: *bangs head on floor*
A.A.V: "And then, on CDUK, we have Destinies Child with their (s)hit single, SURVIVOR!
ALEX: *goes into spasm*
[Ha, take that, you bastard.}
ALEX: *through gritted teeth* You’re… taking…. too…much… of…the…. limelight…
[Shut up, dammit! I’ve had enough of being pushed around by myself!]
ALEX: Whatever. *clutches chest* Ow!
[Ha. Anyway, I wonder what happened to Ring To Win?]
DEC: Oh, that might be still on, it’s just that you get up far too late to see it. Or it might be gone, I dunno.
[Quite.}
DEC: Look, I’m just a fabrication of your imagination, ok? How the hell should I know?
[No, I think you’ll find that you’re a MMMOOOOONKKKEY!]
DEC: *screams*
CAT: *to DEC* There, there *to camera* Look what you did, you heartless beast!
[Heh.]
CAT: You should be ashamed of yourself.
[Really?]
*CAT’s head inflates*
CAT: MMmfff, mfffmm mmoorryyy, mmerry mermmmtryy mmmffsoorryyy
*The head deflates*
CAT: *to herself* Bastard.
[You know, I’d watch it if I were you. I’m here reading this]
ANT: Erm, yeah. Cut to Pokémon! Quick!
*Pokémon is played. Whilst the criminally stupid show is going on, punctuated by the revelation that Ash is a Pokésexual and Brock is actually a badger, the presenters attempt to make conversation*
DEC: You know, I can’t help thinking that we’ve missed something-
ANT: *cutting in* No, no, we haven’t. No, we haven’t missed anything.
CAT: *to herself* Pokémon? Yeah, More like Pokécr…
ANT: NO! Don’t say it!
CAT: What? Pokécr…
ANT: NOOOOOOO! *slaps hand over her mouth*
DEC: Yeah, that’s it! We forgot the wonky donkey thing!
ANT: Phew…
DEC: Oh, and who’s doing the pokérap?
ANT: *whimper*
CAT: *in spite* Why not ALEX?
ALEX: Wuh? What? Why? You bastard!
ANT: *grinning evilly* Yeah, let him do it.
ALEX: *beseeches camera* Come on, please, don’t make me do this!
[And spoil a good laugh? No chance. Plus, you’ve pissed me off.]
ALEX: *sulks*
[The particular banal episode of Pokémon reaches the halfway point. The criminally unfunny Ambrosia Splat advert plays, and the second half of Pokémon is about to begin.]
DEC: Well, here we are at Cinnabar gym, where my promising Pokémon neutering salon is flourishing!
ANT: Well, at least we don’t have to do that ritual torment known as the pokébattles…
CAT: STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS TO BE A POKéSOMETHING, DOESN’T IT? SHUT. UP. NOW!
ANT: *blinks*
DEC: Erm, yeah. But surely, you aren’t saying "thank god we don’t have to do that stupid pokérap anymore", aren’t you?
CAT: *sighs* yes…
DEC: GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY BOLLOCKS-REMOVING SALON FOR POKéMON!
ANT: But what are we going to do now, wearing pokéclothes-
CAT: Grrrrr…
ANT:- and with five minutes to fill? Oh no, oh god no, not…
DEC: *Grins evilly*
ANT: Not… BOCCIA!
DEC: *frozen grin* What?
ANT: Boccia: it’s like crown green bowls, but has a stupid name and is Italian. Hell, it’s so rare that Microsoft Word won’t acknowledge it as a word!
DEC: Erm, yeah. ANYWAY, how’s it going on the Pokédecks over there?
ALEX: *looks at DEC*. How’s it going? How’s it GOING?
DEC: Are you feeling "wicked"?
ALEX: *blinks* Dec, I think I can say now, without fear of contradiction, that you need help. Immediate, competent help.
[The "stolen" alarm goes off]
ALEX: Fuck. Ok, that was from Fallout 2. Incidentally, the save game NEVER EXISTED, OK?
[God, you really know how to wind people up]
DEC: Well, are you feeling "wicked"?
ALEX: Dec, Dec, Dec.*sighs* I got up for this travesty of a show at HALF PAST SEVEN. I got to sleep at HALF PAST TWO. There are bright flashing lights, and your hat is giving me a headache. And what’s more, the retard writing this is making himself the central character again.
[Watch it, bub.]
ALEX: What the hell do I care, I’m only a figment of your imagination.
[Alright, alright, everyone else will get their turn. And besides, it’s ok to be the central character if you rip the shit out of yourself]
ALEX: No, I’M ripping the shit out of you.
[You’re me.]
ALEX: Oh. Fine, fine, lets get this over with. "Yes Dec, I feel ‘wicked’"
DEC: Then let me say HIT IT!
[Shit music plays. Coloured lights flash around. DEC and ANT begin to sing. Everyone else cringes. ALEX in particular is almost hemorrhaging with embarrassment as he remembers the time when his mum entered the room to find him singing along to one of the raps @^_^@ (whatever that means)]
DEC: *enthusiastically* PIKACHU, PIKACHU, PIK PIK PIKACHU
ANT: *boredly* pika chuuuu… *yawns*
DEC: Sing, you piece of distended rectum, sing! Or I’ll tell your lass about the "incident" with the producer!
ANT: PIKACHU, PIKACHU, PIK PIK…
DEC: Good…
[The ordeal ends, and ANT stomps off stage to attempt to revoke his contract. Perhaps working with Herman Goerring would be better… oh for fucks sake, shut that bloody alarm off]
DEC: Don’t try to slip any Red Dwarf jokes past me, sonny. I know that’s from the book.
[Thank you Dec. Now go away, you pitiful excuse for a primate]
DEC: *cries*
[Isn’t that right, my furry friend? *coughs* Grolsch, Grolsch *coughs*]
CAT: Cut that out! Got to Pokémon! Run an ad break! Do something! Show someone’s nose being sliced off with a scitmar! We don’t want a repeat of the time DEC fainted during the Wonkey Donkey dance!
[Heh… I remember that.]
DEC: *bursts into tears*
[Well, I’m guessing that SOMEONE won’t be too happy about all this Dec-bashing! Anyway, the second half of Pokémon runs, and everyone notices the welcome banishment of the "who’s that Pokémon?" bit. Actually, the loss of Pokémon would be welcomer, but then they’d replace it with "Digimon". Pah.]
CAT: Well what he forgot to say is that we should be making more small talk right about now. Ant, remove the arm. Now.
[He really should, you know, there’s an alternative version of this when she… heh, can’t actually put this on the net, it’s illegal.]
CAT: Anyway, what should we do?
DEC: Watch Pokémon like we always do.
ANT: Sounds good. Pokéfun for all the family. *Yawns*
[And whadda you know, they do watch Pokémon. Yeesh. "Oh no, It’s Team Rocket! Look out! They’ve got bazookas and they aren’t going to use them! I know, lets release our Pokémon/sex slaves onto them! Go, pikachu, use Irritating Squeaky Voice And Attempt To Be Cute! Arbok! Instead of biting the little shit in two, use your superb move known as Dig! Geodude! Instead of simply being a shit rock with only one move ("tackle", yay), just JUMP ON THE BASTARDS."]
ALEX: Indeed.
[Shut up, you. Anyway, Pokémon finishes, and they play splatoon. Yip dip diddee doo]
MUSIC: Darrranntt, darrantdantdant dant dant dant, dant, SPLATTOOOOOONNNN.
ANT/DEC: Barrrrrp! Baaaarp! Chocks away! Bravo!
"SIGNALPERSON DEELEY": Sir sir, message from the front sir sir. Incoming paintbags sir sir, sir.
DEC: Fine trooper that signalperson Deeley. Putting up with the inconvenience of having to share a room with you, old chap. How did he take the news?
ANT: *slyly towards camera* Oh he took it well. He took it very, very well. *salivates*
DEC: *looks on in surprise* I think it’s time we played splattoon…
ANT: Well, we asked you just what the author of this abomination should receive:
(a) £50000 in royalties
(b) A brutal execution at the hands of a scitmar wielding ninja
(c) A pair of wise goldfish.
DEC: And of course the answer was B, wasn’t it? Isn’t it, wasn’t it B? B, isn’t it? B… *his moustache falls off*
ANT: And who’ve we got on line one? It’s Natasha from Brighton! Hello Natasha!
NATASHA: Helloooo
DEC: *retrieving moustache* Are you there, Natasha?
NATASHA: Yeah!!!!!
ANT: Oh, there you are. How are you? Ok?
NATASHA: Well, my parents were killed in a car crash yesterday. But I’m finnnnnne!!!
ANT/DEC:.. Ok! Are you ready to play SPLATTOON?
NATASHA: Of course I am, you inbred Northern retards. That’s why I phoned up, monkey boy.
DEC: Well, playing for you today is Alex!
ALEX: *smacks forehead* Christ alive… Hello Natasha…
[The clock starts.}
NATASHA: *shouting* Vertically! Sideways! Horizontal! Sideways! Splat! Splat! Splat! North! Backwards! There! THERE!
ALEX: *fires wildly, hitting three balloons and a makeup artist*
DEC: Oh, well done! *laughs*
ALEX: You want to try it? *attempts to remove paintball gun from holding*
ANT: Don’t bother. It’s stuck fast with Araldite.
[Oh dear. Before we go any further, I’d like to take the opportunity to say that this is getting less surreal by the minute. This isn’t the intention, but I can’t do surrealism. I can do warped stuff, but not surrealism. So, you’ll have to suffer this brand of "humor" for a bit longer before I can adjust my mindset. As it were. I suspect that playing Earthbound on the SNES may help, but I can’t promise a thing. Plus, you’ve all got the advantage over me in that you’ve actually watched anime before. Hell, the closest I got was Akira when I was six, and it gave me nightmares. Or something like that. How old is Akira, anyway?]
ALEX: You’re waffling again…
[Oh, go and stick your head in a blender. Hang on a minute…]
ALEX: *eyeing the recently materialized blender next to him* you’re not… going to try anything, are you?
[You know, the funny thing about this is that I can control everything in this story. For instance… (The blender whirrs into life)]
ALEX: OK! OK! OK! I’m sorry! Please god no! AAAAKK! *An invisible force pushes his head towards the blender*
CAT: And now, time for Clueless! Stop that fucking screaming, will you? It’s driving me… oh.
[Hah. Well, here’s your head back. *Rushing sound*]
ALEX: *whimpers, curls up into little ball*
[Clueless… the pat of the show when everyone turns off and goes downstairs for their breakfast. So do ANT, DEC, CAT, THE STUDIO and THE AUDIENCE. ALEX is still lying on the floor clutching his head. We return twenty minutes later…]
CAT: *to DEC* I can’t believe you did that! *tries not to laugh*.
DEC: Yeah, well, when they don’t put up sneeze screens on the buffet…
ANT: Hey, why did no one touch the scrambled eggs?
CAT: *without batting an eyelid*. Because they’re vile.
ANT: Ok, I’ll take your word for it. Good thing I didn’t eat any, that’s for sure.
[Well, it’s got salmonella in it, anyway.]
PRODUCER: WHAT?
[It’s got salmonella in it. Don’t worry; you’ll simply lose a kidney.]
DEC: Cut the chat, please, we’ve got 3 minutes to go, then the postbag.
[Clueless finishes; the national grid has a surge as millions of TV’s are switched on at the same time. DANIEL HEATON is electrified, as Heaton-bashing is the only way that this thing will ever get onto a website owned by a Heaton-Hater]
CAT: It’s time… for the SMTV POSTBAG!
["Hey now, wait a minute Mr. Postman, way, yay, yay, yay, Mr. Postman.."]
EVERYONE: *makes up a dance*
[Dun dun dun DUN. The music finishes, and BRADLEY FROM S CLUB 7 falls over. This is because he is a gimp.]
CAT: Well, I’ve got a letter here from Mary from Shropshire. She’s sent in another massive thing: here’s the letter. Ahem,
"Dear Ant, Dec and Cat. Whilst cleaning out the farm, my sister and I found this really, really, large *the color drains from CAT’s face*… pile of faeces?
[A massive cry of "eat it, eat it" springs from the juvenile audience.]
ANT: No way, no WAY. No.
DEC: Well, maybe… just a smidge?
[Mather/Dec consumes the effluent with gusto. He is violently sick.]
CAT: Urgh, you aren’t getting a snog now, you vile, vile person.
DEC: Jesus, what did I just do?
[Heh heh heh….]
CAT: No! You didn’t! Aww, that is EVIL.
[Be wary, Cat, there’s more than enough for two…]
CAT: I’m zipped.
ANT: OK, now onto the interviews. Normally, we’d have someone like Dane Bowers on, because this is a kids show, but today, on our Channel 5 special, we’ve got renowned comedian Mr. Alex Loder!
ALEX: Good god no. All I want is a peaceful life here, and instead I’m a now a songwriter, a comedian and have had my head blended by a malevolent deity.
[Thank you]
DEC: So, Alex, why exactly are you here?
ALEX: Beats me. You invited me because Emma Bunton turned you down, saying that you had her on every show for the past four years.
DEC: Ah.
[Everyone shifts uncomfortably in their chairs.]
ANT: So… read any good books lately?
[Silence]
ALEX: Right, fuck this. Shall we do one of the songs?
DEC: Yeah, ok. Not the "she’ll be coming round the mountain" one, that’s banned in most civilized countries.
ALEX: Oh. Damn. Ok, here’s summat else. It’s… no, fuck it. I can’t think of any good songs to put in.
ANT: Well, ok, we have to fill about 5 minutes here before Chums, so… what music do you like, then?
ALEX: *looks pained* Not answering. Next question.
DEC: Go on, whadda ya like?
ALEX: *bright red* Not saying, ok?
CAT: Come on, tell us!
ALEX: OK, you wanna know? Nowt, that’s what. I know jack shit about music, end of story. A combination of over-protective/snide parents, lack of any musical influence at ALL and an act of parliament that says nothing over 10 decibels may be played in my house means that I know shit about music, ok?
Besides, you’d probably want to get me to say "Five", or "Westlife".
ANT/DEC/CAT/WHOLE WORLD: ….
ALEX: Well, on the bright side, I’ve come up with a suitable song. Old one, duff one, crap one, but still appealing to those with a mental age of 5. Here we are.
He’s balding and he’s thirty….
Tune: "The Addams family"
Author: Me and Heaton, with a bit of help from Lloyd.
Doobee doodoo..tshh tshhh Doobeedoodoo, doobeedoodoo, doobeedoodoo budumb budumb budumb…….
He’s balding and he’s thirty,
His tie is always dirty,
With ugly birds he’s flirty,
He’s Dr. Hodgskinson!
Doobee doodoo…Mean-der
Doobee doodoo…Alluvial fan
Doobeedoodoo doobeedoodoo doobeedoodoo budumb budumb budumb…
He’s a certified bender,
At weekends he’s called Glenda,
We can’t discern his gender,
He’s Dr. Hodgskinson!
Chorus
He’s turned on by meanders,
His favourite bears are Pandas (?),
He quite resembles Flanders,
He’s Dr. Hodgskinson! Yeah
ALEX: *grinning hugely, obviously has a plan* I’d like to dedicate this song to MICHAEL LEADER and KATE ASHWIN, who should be watching. Oh yeah, and Kate, I think you should know, Leader anally rapes animals.
[Just imagine that, on live TV, having your partner being accused of bestiality. Still, vengeance is at hand… a figure stands from the crowd. It’s KATE, and she is not a happy bunny.]
ALEX: *whitening* Umm… shit…* he sprints the length of the studio, into a side corridor. He sees the open exit door! Bit further… *smack* the door gets slammed shut. ALEX impacts upon the solid metal casing. Ouch. The door opens again, and LEADER steps through.*
LEADER: *stamping on testicles* Bastard…
ALEX: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……… meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………….
ANT/DEC/CAT: *watching on the corridor camera* Oooooohhh, that was… ouch.
DEC: *swallows and crosses legs*. Erm, now it’s time for.. CHUMS.
[Shit music plays, ALEX is pumped full of painkillers. This, however, causes him to assume the personality of Tommy Cooper. Naturally. You probably don’t know the full story, and never will. Luckily, the Cooper-esque comedian is soon back to normal.]
VOICE OVER FROM HELL: Last week, on CHUMS….
DEC: *to ANT* I love you, Gregory!
ANT: *to DEC* I love you, Bernard!
V.O.F.H: Find out what happened, and why it happened, and who it happened to, and if it happened, on CHUMS….
DEC: So, Ant, that was a lot of screaming you were doing last night.
ANT: Yes, it was all a dream….
DEC: Oh. Oh god, this is a new low. Again.
[Why, yes it is.]
CAT: Come quick, Ant, look out the window!
ANT: My god, buskers! I’m gonna go down and kick their hats!
DEC: Me too! *is grabbed by CAT* Awk!
CAT: You are staying HERE.
[Exeunt Ant]
CAT: Dec, come here
[DEC, being a retard, does not realize that, because this is channel 5, they can actually kiss. He doesn’t catch on.]
DEC: Why?
CAT: *whispers summat to him*
DEC: WHOA! WHOA! BACK OFF, WOMAN!
CAT: *Whispers more stuff*
DEC: Oh, I see, I do the… ok.
[EVERYONE IN THE WORLD sits back in relief]
DEC: Me and Cat, all alone in the flat… I feel as though, as though, I’m going to take her home and have fully penetrative anal sex with her.
CAT: *freezes* What?
DEC: I said, I’m going to take you home and have full…
CAT: Dec, leave. Leave now.
DEC: Why? That’s the script!
[The camera pans round to see ALEX in the place of the normal script guy, with some altered cards…]
CAT: *oblivious* No, it isn’t. You, are perverted. I, am leaving.
DEC: What?
ANT: *popping head through the door… oh god, not like that* What?
SOME STUPID GIMP: Greyhounds? *is stoned by everyone*
[Freeze frame. VOICE OVER FROM HELL starts to speak.]
V.O.F.H: Will Cat really leave? Erm… the producer says yes. Damn. Oh well, cut to CDUK
[And that is how Emma Bunton now has the job of presenting in Cats place…]
So, there we go. Four hours work. Christ. And it isn’t as good as any of the other fics, mainly cos I couldn’t be bothered thinking of a decent ending.
Instead, this thing will probably get distributed, and then laughed at. And to be frank, I don’t care. It’s rubbish and I know it. BUT….
There will be more… Oh yes, there WILL be MORE….
*Trails off. Looks bored. Checks watch*
Bugger this, I’m off.
Review this story! Please?
Reviews:
Name = Dan
URL = admin@thebuffyzone.net
Comments = Eeeeee! Twas good! :D. For some reason I particuraly liked
[Dun dun dun DUN. The music finishes, and BRADLEY FROM S CLUB 7 falls over. This
is because he is a gimp.]
It seems my sense of humor is similar to yours...;)
Anyway, yeah, it rocked, and is well worth 4 hours of work! Go you!! :D
~Dan