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Title: Sugar, Spice and Gunpower part 2 - MST3K 1/2
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
Woo, longish one this time. I know, it’s been ages since I did the
first part, but Christmas distracted me in that funny little way it does. :oD
But hey, feel free to send me your fics! Any fic taken, none shall be refused!
dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk, go for it!
So, here we go, with the second part
of Jisuka-hime’s excellent fic, `Sugar, Spice and Gunpower.` Enjoy the (minorly
hentai… ack!) riffs, the good fic behind it all, and the Ginyu Force method of
theatre picking, as Mystery Surreal Theatre 3000 ½ gets festive! *sings* Snow,
snow, I love it soooo…
*begin funky waaah-waaah guitar*
In the
not-too distant future,
Somewhere in time and space,
A random group of
people are caught in an endless chase,
Pursued by a woman whose name is
Jessibelle,
An evil girl who wants James to be hers,
She threw a few fics
in her purse,
And in her rocket ship she trails them all across the
universe!
(Jessibelle: `You’re not running properly!`)
Jessibelle:
"I’ll send them cheesy fanfic,
The worst I can find,
They’ll have to sit
and read them all,
Until James is mine!"
Now keep in mind they can’t
control where the fanfics begin or end,
They’ll have to keep their sanity
with the help of their loyal friends.
Reviewer role-call!
Cat! "I’m
not *that* surreal…"
Jessie! "Eww, hentai-y."
Vegeta! "Can’t I leave
now?"
Spi-i-i-ke! "Sod off."
The weird bits are innumerable, please
try not to barf,
Just repeat to yourself, it’s only a fic, turn off your
brain and laugh,
Mystery Surreal Theatre 3000 ½!
The crew were sat in
a bored circle, as usual. There was nothing to do at all, no TV to watch, no
Internet since Jessibelle confiscated the PC after the last phone bill, and
Vegeta had blasted the Playstation into small smouldering pieces after he lost
the £32,000 question on `Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: The Home Version`. Aoi
was painting Scott’s nails, for want of a better thing to do. Looking back on
the past few days, nothing much had happened since the newest crew member,
Vegeta, had arrived. Not even the end of the fic they started a while ago. Let’s
see… the milk had gone sour because Dec didn’t leave it in the fridge… and that
was all she could remember.
It was, in essence, the most boring
Satellite ever. Even more boring than the Mir on a Friday night. Until, finally,
Jessibelle’s monitor flicked on. Spike dropped the raw meat he was holding. Aoi
smudged Scott’s nail varnish. Cat fell off the chair.
"Hellooooo, sweeties!"
chirped Jessibelle, happy as ever. James shrunk back, as he usually did when his
insane stalker appeared. Jessibelle, wearing a considerably redder outfit than
usual, was decorating a large pine tree with tiny wooden Pokémon decorations as
she spoke.
"Sorry I haven’t called in a while, sweetums, but it’s been
Christmas, and I’ve just been so busy!"
"Christmas? We missed Christmas?"
yelped Meowth.
"Didn’t I tell you? Oopsie!"
"Christmas was always the same
for me, anyway." Scott moaned. "It was like the rest of the year, but Dad
threatened the world with a Christmas tree in the background, and Number Two put
holly sprigs on the `lasers.`"
Jessie pouted. "I like Christmas! There’s
snow, I love snow! I missed the snow!" Her lip wobbled. James carefully patted
her on the shoulder.
"It’s OK, Jess, we might see snow next Christmas… or,
not."
"Probably that second one." Ant muttered. "We’re never going to
leave…"
Declan moved away from the comfy chair to whap him over the head.
"Aye we are. Erm, not sure how, but we are, OK?" He went to sit back down, but
Vegeta had grabbed the comfy seat in the second he left it. He pulled a face at
Dec, who made a high pitched whiny noise.
"I hate to interrupt the lovely
scenes we have here, but I have the second part of that fic for you!" said
Jessibelle, carefully placing a wooden hand painted Growlithe on the garish
tree. She was ignored.
"That was my seat." whined Declan, sitting down on the
floor.
"My nail varnish is smudged." whined Scott.
"I want snow!" whined
Jessie.
"I want to go home!" whined Cat.
"Will you all shut up? Your fic
is in ten minutes, and I want Spike and the new guy in the theatre. But first…"
Jessibelle grinned evilly, something hidden behind her back. "Jamesy, I have
mistletoe! Come see! Mwah!" She dashed up to the camera, spraying decorations
everywhere. A wooden Ditto bounced off Giovanni’s Persian’s head. It mewled and
slunk into the shadows, as Jessibelle waved the twig around like it was
gold.
"Eeep!" James scrambled forwards at amazing speed, and hit the button
to shut the monitor off, crumpling on the floor with a sigh as Jessibelle’s
puckered lips faded from the screen.
Spike sniffed. "Pfssh. Christmas. Never
was a big thing for me."
Jessie glared at him. "How dare you!" she screamed.
"Christmas is a time of wonder and joy! And snow!" She jumped to her feet. "And
we missed it!" she slammed the door as she strode out of the room, James on her
heels. He mis-timed his run, and ran face-first into the shut door. Sliding to
the floor for the second time that night, he turned to the assembled crew, who
were looking at him with a mix of pity, shock, and pain through trying not to
laugh. "We have to get Christmas back for Jessie!" he said, in his best
`authoritative` voice, which didn’t work too well when he was in a heap on the
floor. Ant sighed. "If it means Jessie won’t hit us, throw stuff at us and put
bugs in our food for at least a day, I’m up for it."
James stood up, with
some difficulty, and looked at the rest of the crew. "Are you with us?"
There
was a general murmur of agreement, and a nasty noise from Spike’s
direction.
"That’s a yes, then. Jessie can go in the theatre, along you two,
and we need another." commanded James, getting into the role of leader
easily.
There was a distinct lack of volunteerness. Someone coughed. Time
passed. A tumbleweed rolled past, against all probability. Once more, James hit
the floor sighing.
Tired of waiting, Vegeta stood up, arms crossed, his usual
scowling expression.
"Well, if none of you are going to be brave, then we’ll
have to use the Ginyu Force method of selection."
From the floor, James asked
what that was.
"Simple. All stand in a circle, and do rock paper scissors
*loudly*. It doesn’t have to have a point, just do it until you reach some sort
of conclusion."
James opted out, being the organiser of the Christmas event,
so the non-organising, non-Jessie, non-already going in the theatre people (that
would be Aoi, Scott, Ant, Dec, Cat and Meowth) stood in an awkward circle, and
fumbled the game of rock paper scissors, occasionally hitting each other on the
head accidentally.
Spike sidled up to Vegeta. "What’s the point of this?
There’s no way they can get a winner from that mess."
"Mostly, to make them
look like idiots."
"Heh. I’ll have to remember this one."
Eventually,
after several minutes of yelling "Rock, paper, scissors (ow, my head)" Cat was
declared the loser. No-one was sure why, but she seemed to the slowest with the
hand movements, and the fic sign went off, hurrying the process. Jessie was
dragged out of her room by James, who was trying to avoid being kicked in the
liver by his Team Rocket partner. She was carefully pushed in the theatre,
followed by Spike, Vegeta, and Cat, who was wailing something about a fixed
game.
***Jessie stomps into the theatre, throwing herself on her seat
angrily. Spike cautiously sits next to her, Cat takes the aisle seat, and Vegeta
sits between them.***
JESSIE: I just wanted snow! And now I have to read
the fic, too! James and Meowth are really gonna feel how upset I am as soon as I
get out…
VEGETA: How?
CAT: They’ll feel it through her boots and a good
right hook, I think.
Later that night. Rupert Giles slowly consumed the
hot cup of tea that he has made himself while he was busy organizing the card
catalog. All of the slayerettes,
VEGETA: That sounds *so* much like a
certain women’s product…
SPIKE: (as Women) I stay fresh all day long with new
Slayerettes!
CAT/JESSIE: *thawp him over the head* Quit being
disrespectful!
except for Willow, came charging through the door.
SPIKE: (as Willow) Aoww, maybe I shoulda opened that first,
huh?
JESSIE: What is it with this satellite and door jokes? We’d had Chi-chi
walking into doors, Bulma walking into doors, now Willow… guess what? Walks into
a door!
VEGETA: You had Bulma walk into doors?
CAT: The author’s losing
her touch, methinks…
KOJIRO: (weird voice from above) Hey! Shut up, or I’ll
write you married to Ant.
CAT: I’ll be good.
The Watcher suddenly
became startled and dropped hundreds of cards all over the floor.
VEGETA: 52 hundred card pick up!
SPIKE: (smugly) I’m good at that
one.
"Giles!" Buffy spoke, "Someone is trying to kill Oz." "Hello to you
too." Giles sighed. "What do we do?" Angel asked. "We need to know who were
dealing with." Buffy stated, and turned to Xander, "Okay, Xander, who is she?"
Xander Harris only replied with a dumb look,
JESSIE: As opposed to his
usual sharp, attentive look?
SPIKE: Shh, I’m missing the fic! They’ll start
berating Angel again soon!
CAT: Naw, they’ve moved onto Xander now.
SPIKE:
*sulks*
"How would I know?" "You were talking to her for a few hours, you
went out with her, you could have least learned her name." "She never said."
"That helps." Giles said. "Okay, don't panic." The slayer intervened and walked
over to the phone, "We'll just call Willow.. Now what's her number?" There was a
brief pause, as no one could recite the number. "We'll have to check the
School's phone directory." Giles stated as he cleaned his glasses.
VEGETA: Glasses glasses, or *makes drink motion* glasses?
JESSIE:
Guy’s probably an alcoholic.
CAT: (as Giles, drunk) She alone, will walk
amongst- er - among - arr… the demonsssh…?
"The school has a phone
directory?" Angel asked. "It's commonly known as the bathroom wall." Xander
explained. "I'll be back." Buffy said then went off to the boy's bathroom to
look up Willow's number.
SPIKE: *laughs* I can imagine that now… `For a
real good time, call Big Red- 555…`
After a few minutes, the slayer
returned to the library and picked up the phone. However, she forgot the number,
and left towards the bathroom again, this time bringing a pad and pencil with
her. Minutes later she came back, and called her friend.
JESSIE: And the
award for most pointless scene to denote a slayer’s stupidity goes
to…
"Hey, Willow, it's Buffy. Listen, I need you look up something on the
Internet.. No, it's has nothing to do with the Anime porn sites you showed me,
this is a whole different matter.
VEGETA: Eww!
JESSIE: Gack!
CAT:
*laughs* I forgot you two were anime! You’ve been in more lemons than I’ve been
in actual fics!
JESSIE: But these are the only fics you’re written
into!
CAT: *thinks* Oh, aye…
SPIKE: Here’s a fun idea for mental torture…
how about we name drop some people these two have starred in hentai fics with?
*author’s note- Hentai or Lemon fics = creepy porn, anime style. Ick. Please
don’t look any up if you have a sensitive stomach… and I haven’t read the ones I
mention, I swear, I just laughed at the pairings, and moved swiftly on…*
CAT:
Sounds like a time waster.
VEGETA: Please… no…
SPIKE: The obvious one for
you is Bulma, right? Too many of those, far too normal. Got anything
better?
CAT: Frieza.
VEGETA: *gags* WHAT? I mean.. what?
CAT: Yup.
*shudders* Couldn’t read the whole thing, freaked me out too much.
VEGETA:
*turns green* I… urgh…
JESSIE: I knew there was chemistry between you two, ya
know.
VEGETA: Shut up, women! You’ll be next!
JESSIE: *hurriedly* Getting
back to the fic…
you, see someone is trying to kill Oz and we need to
know who because Xander forgot to get her name. think you can find anything on
her?
SPIKE: There’ll probably be some skin on her.
JESSIE: Possibly
hair.
VEGETA: Hopefully clothes.
CAT: Meowth.
JESSIE: Meowth’ll be on
her?
CAT: Nope, that’s your hentai partner.
VEGETA: *laughs* Hahee, at
least I got a semi-human!
JESSIE: *tries not to be sick* Meo… ow…
th?
What does she look like? Let's see, she's a girl. um. has hair, eyes,
SPIKE: (as Willow) Dammit, I was searching for a hairless, eyeless
freak! You should have specified!
a red hood, picnic basket, and she was
packing some serious firepower. Okay, just send it to Giles' computer. wait."
Buffy placed her hand over the end of the phone and asked, "Giles, what's your
e-mail address?" "tweed_cowperson@hotmail.com"
*silence*
CAT: Where
do we go from that line?
JESSIE: I go to my outlook express inbox to send a
few `bouncing Pikachu` viruses.
The librarian replied. Buffy gave the
address to Willow, thanked her, and hanged up. Willow said she's going to start
by checking the public school records." The slayerettes
SPIKE: (as
Women) I still feel fresh as a daisy!
VEGETA: Please don’t do that voice, I
still have a bad stomach…
gathered around Giles' PC waiting for Willow to
send them the information that they so desperately needed.
JESSIE: (as
Xander) C’mon, Will, where are the naked pictures of Cat Deely you
promised?
CAT: Wargh!
VEGETA: You deserved that completely.
CAT:
*annoyed* Fine! *points at Jessie* Ash! *points at Vegeta* Krillin!
SPIKE:
*laughing* No way! Lemon authors are *sick!*
CAT: *looks triumphant and
smug*
VEGETA: *shaken* Kri…
JESSIE: *also shaken* Ash…
*silence, as
everyone thinks about this. Then they all shudder and say `eew.`*
VEGETA:
*grabs Spike’s collar* If this ever goes beyond these walls…
JESSIE: *waving
her fist at Cat* … You won’t live for five…
JESSIBELLE: *over intercom* Hey
you in there! Get on with the fic before I kill you all, never mind the handy
blackmail material I just picked up!
ALL: Yes ma’am…
Time passed ever
so slowly as they sifted through hundreds of profiles, and thousands of images.
Buffy pointed at the screen when she found the match. "Is this the girl?" With
the click of a mouse, Giles studied the monitor, and read the profile, "Well. it
seems that her name is Little Red Riding Hood, and lives in downtown Los
Angeles." "Than what she doing here?" Angel asked.
VEGETA: She here for
grammar lesson, maybe?
"Hold on." Giles commanded, and the vampire
grabbed onto the tweed jacket, "Oh! I didn't mean that literally!" Angel frowned
and let go,
SPIKE: *rubbing his hands together happily* Ooo, more Angel
bashing! The hentai game pauses as we read the marvellous work done
here.
and Rupert continued to read the profile, "Here, it appears that
she has family in Sunnydale." "Who?" "She has a grandmother who."
JESSIE: (as Giles) She lives down in Whoville with all the other Whos.
Didn’t you know?
CAT: Maybe Angel’s real name is Cindy Lou Who.
VEGETA: It
would explain the hair.
JESSIE: And coming from someone with the hairstyle of
Marge Simpson after a losing battle with Freddy Krueger, that’s *really* saying
something!
VEGETA: The woman with the large pink fish hook hairdo is mocking
me?
JESSIE: I’ll have you know that it’s a deep magenta, actually!
SPIKE:
*tearfully* All this sniping, tension and Angel-bashing… this truly is a ship of
dreams…
Giles paused and started to stutter, "lives up in the woods. Oh,
dear." "Riding Hood's grandmother wouldn't happen to be the old lady that Oz
killed in his state of werewolfism."
CAT: Well, if she isn’t, that’s OK
then, right?
VEGETA: That thought makes my head hurt.
Xander wondered.
"I believe so." "Then." Oz lowered his head in shame,
CAT: Then he
raised his head in joy, then shook his head in mirth, and finally detached his
head in horror.
"This is all my fault." "No, it isn't, Oz." Buffy said,
"Two wrongs don't make a right. We have to stop this little girl. Okay, Giles,
let's see what else we can find on Little Red Riding Hood." "No problem." Giles
punched a few keys on the keyboard, then stopped, "Houston we have a problem."
"What is it?" "Willow's computer must have got disconnected." Giles said.
"Something must have happened." "Let's not jump the gun." Oz noted,
JESSIE: Why not? I wanna jump the gun! Aww, come on, let me jump the
gun! It’s fun, see?
SPIKE: How about we jump the crossbow
instead?
"Willow uses Windows, so this kind of stuff happens." "What do
we do now?" "We split up, Riding Hood has to be somewhere." Buffy stated.
*****
Willow only sat on her knees as the ropes that bonded her arms and
legs got tighter and tighter, painful restricting her movement.
CAT: We
miss a scene?
VEGETA: A shame we missed the side story, `Willow becomes a
masochist.`
"Why are you doing this?" Willow asked. "I need bait, silly."
Little Red Riding Hood replied as she secured Willow in bondage. "So I can kill
your lover." "What did Buffy ever do to you?" "Buffy?"
JESSIE: *covers
her head* Heads up, everyone, we have lemon alert!
ALL: Argh!
SPIKE: Eww,
Slayer and Red, eww!
CAT: You know, guys, I’m kinda proud that between us and
the fic, we’ve raised our rating to a PG13.
VEGETA: A modest
achievement.
JESSIE: Well, I’m proud of us. But still, eww.
VEGETA: Hmm, a
slight `togetherness` moment.
CAT: See? The arguing can end, right?
SPIKE:
*clears his throat* Misty.
JESSIE: *stares* What, me and Misty?
SPIKE:
*grinning* Yup.
JESSIE: *falls off her chair*
The little girl wondered
then suddered, "Eww! That's how people get cooties. I thought you were dating
that scrawny little werewolf." "Huh? Which one? Oh, you mean Oz." The redhead
realized, "What did he do to you?" "He killed my grandmother." "Listen, Little
Red. can I call you Little Red?" Willow asked,
CAT: (As little red) You
can call me Butch, and like it.
"I'm sure Oz feels terrible for what he
did, and even if he's not, killing him won't bring her back." "Why not, this is
Sunnydale, don't people come back from the dead all the time?"
VEGETA:
Are you kidding? There seems to be more dead people than alive
ones!
Little Red said, "Besides, Grandma was terminally ill as it was."
"Then, she would have died soon enough." Willow mentioned, "Why the vendetta?"
SPIKE: Isn’t that a type of window shade?
JESSIE: No.
SPIKE:
Oh.
"Because, I when I was on my way to see her, I brought the papers so
she could sign me on her life insurance policy. I was screwed out of my college
funds and a ticket to easy street all because your hubby had to mark his
territory near my granny's happy home.
CAT: He peed? Just use dog repel,
that works for me.
VEGETA: …Right over her head, honestly…
" The girl
explained bitterly. "So this all about money?" The hacker asked. "Well, there is
the matter of principal too." Little Red stated when Mrs. Rosenburg walked into
Willow's bedroom and saw her daughter all tied up. "Willow, what's going on?"
VEGETA: (as Mrs. Rosenburg) You usually tell me when you get kidnapped
by small children. What, you couldn’t have called?
She asked. Willow
started to open her mouth, but Little Red kicked her, and then turned on her
sweet angel child charm, "Your daughter has offered to baby-sit me while my
parents are away." "Why, Willow, that was so nice of you. It's nice to see
taking on some responsibilities. Well, I'll be going out. Take care you two."
When Willow's mother left the room, Little Red giggled, thats what I love about
this town. everyone is so stupid."
SPIKE: It’s a hell of a town,
alright.
JESSIE: Dumbasses on every corner!
CAT: Daft sods in every
garage!
VEGETA: Mindless violence abounds! Bring your kids!
She opened
her picnic basket and pulled out a red wig that matches Willow's hair style then
she was looking through Willow's closet, "Nice clothes, let me guess. Sears."
CAT: (as Willow) Third street trash heap, really, but I’m glad you
noticed.
*****
Moments later, Oz's van pulled into the driveway. He
knew he had to be looking for that little girl, but he wanted to have a make out
session. He didn't care what Buffy would think, after all she and Angel did the
same thing when demons came forth from the Apocalypses.
SPIKE: That’s a
damn good point! All the others do stuff, but they head off for one last quick
shag!
He called Willow's name as he walked through the house,
VEGETA: (as Oz) Cordy- er, Willow? Ah-hah-hah…
and continued
searching until he found her in her bed all snuggled. "Hey, Willow. Why are you
in bed so early?" Oz asked. "I'm sick." "Oh, well that'll explain the voice." he
paused and noticed something strange about her. "What is it?" She asked.
"Nothing," Oz said, "I was wondering what big eyes you have."
JESSIE:
(gasps) She’s turned into a Powerpuff Girl!
"The better to see you with."
"Oh, Willow what big teeth you have." Oz also noted, then suddenly there was a
clash
CAT: THE Clash?
SPIKE: That would be a good thing.
from
the closet and another Willow, all tied up and has a sock in her mouth. Oz
jumped and clinged to the Willow that was on the bed, "Willow, look out! It's
your evil shanky gay double from that parallel universe." "Oh, please. Let's cut
the charade." She said as she removed her wig, revealing her true identity.
"Little Red Riding Hood." "In the flesh." She pulled out her Magnum pistol,
pointed it straight at the werewolf then softly chanted:
JESSIE: (as
Red) Oz and Spike, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!
SPIKE: Wha?! If I didn’t
have this chip in my head…
JESSIE: (smugly) But you do.
SPIKE: Since I can
sicken and disgust you with lemon fics, I’d suggest you shut the hell
up.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the
inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the
name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the
darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those
who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord
when I lay my vengeance upon you."
VEGETA: Not the catchiest of chants,
really.
CAT: I’d say `Go, go, buffalo!` is a bit more chantable.
When
Oz quickly realized what was about to happen, he jumped and grabbed the tied-up
Willow, using her as a human shield.
SPIKE: (bursts out laughing) This
fic gets better and better!
Little Red aim, and fired, but Oz quickly
moved himself and Willow out of the way; the bullet missed all flesh and shot
the
VEGETA: …skull?
JESSIE: That, too, would be a good
thing.
rope off. Willow removed the sock from her mouth, "I got to wash
my gym socks when I get a chance." "We need to get out of here." Several
gunshots were fired as Oz and Willow raced
CAT: …past the grassy knoll
and the book depository.
out of the room and down into the kitchen.
Willow immediately grabbed the phone and pressed a number. "What are you doing?"
Oz asked. "Calling the police." "Besure to call 1-800-COLLECT." "I will." Willow
replied, and started to talk in the phone piece, "Operator, what's the number
for 911." The call was cut short when the phone was knocked out of Willow's
hand, and she was smacked down on the ground by a loud bang.
VEGETA:
*confuzzled* *By* a loud bang? A sound hit her?
CAT: Um… yes?
VEGETA: *no
longer confuzzled* OK, then.
JESSIE: Those damn bangs, always playing their
music and being loud.
Her eyes quickly focused on the phone and noticed
a bullet hole, she looked up and saw Little Red Riding Hood. "Now wait, I'm sure
we can settle this over a bowl for Honey Nut Cheerio's." Little Red, didn't
listen and just smacked Willow across the face, knocking her down.
SPIKE: (as Red) Die, Cheerio girl! I’d rather have a bowl of Coco
Pops!
Willow turned to "Oz, save yourself." Oz didn't hesitate, and ran
towards the exit, but alas, he tripped over thin air and fell on his face. He
rolled over and saw Little Red pointing the gun in his face. "Roll over.. good
boy." She giggled, "Now, play
VEGETA: The accordion?
SPIKE: The
harmonica?
CAT: The zamboni?
JESSIE: That’s not an instrument, that’s an
ice cleaning thingy!
CAT: *sniffs* He could play it if he wanted
to.
dead!" Of course Willow couldn't just watch, but she didn't know what
to do. Then she saw her answer. The pencils sitting on the table will help her.
CAT: (as Willow) Come, my little pencil friends! Fly, my pretties, fly!
Bwahahaa!
ALL: *edge away from Cat slowly*
Using her magical entities,
she summons the spirits of graphic instrument levitation, and made the pencil
float. Her mind focused slowly, and the pencil flew up the barrel of the Little
Red's gun,
causing it to explode and leaving the little girl to wail in
pain. "Ouch! It hurts." She cried, holding her burned hand up against her chest.
JESSIE: Unfortunately, Red Riding Hood had shot Oz several minutes ago
while Willow was playing about with pencils.
Willow walked over to Little
Red so she could tend to the wound. "It's okay." The hacker said as she held the
child in her arms. "Let me look at that hand. Boy this looks bad." Willow looked
at the hand,
VEGETA: And ripped it off the demon child’s wrist in a
nasty fountain of gore and blood.
CAT: I think we’ve done that one
before…
VEGETA: Darn.
"You know what helps me?" "A first aid kit?
There's one in my picnic basket." "No, I meant some
SPIKE:
Pilchards?
CAT: Records?
VEGETA: Flowers?
JESSIE:
Greyhounds?
Ice Cream."
VEGETA: Fine, *be* linear. See if I
care.
"I'm in serious pain here, and all you can think about is ice
cream." The little girl said bitterly, "And, to think, I was about forget this
whole thing and let you two walk away." "But. but." "Well, I'll let you walk
away. for about five minutes, then once I treated this burn wound, we'll start
off where we left off." "Okay." Willow replied, and took a seat,
JESSIE:
(as Little Red) Put that back, we only have about five…. Ah-hah-hah…
SPIKE:
That was terrible.
JESSIE: Pfssh. I’m tired, bored, and I missed Christmas.
Don’t expect top-class humour, ‘k?
while Little Red opened her picnic
basket and pulled out a first aid kit. Oz walked up and grabbed Willow by the
arm, dragging her out. "Come on, Will." "Where are we going?" She asked. "We're
going to take a drive in my van/" He explained, "There I'll explain the concept
of a head start."
VEGETA: (as Oz) And I’ll have a go at explaining the
birds and the bees again. You missed the point last time.
CAT: (as Willow)
You’d think the bees would sting the birds, or the birds would squish the bees,
y’know…
*****
SPIKE: No need for that kind of language,
Jisuka-hime!
JESSIE: Tut-tut-tut. We barely ever need to censor!
A few
minutes later, Oz parked his van in the middle of the forest, hoping that he got
away from Little Red Riding Hood.
CAT: However, he knew he still owed
the three bears $20, and if he didn’t pay soon, they send around Goldilocks,
Snow White and Cinderella…
SPIKE: The Charlie’s Angels of fairy
tales.
He and Willow ran through the maze of trees. "We need to start
running, that little girl should be too far behind." Willow said.
VEGETA: How about you just push her the hell over? It would take five
seconds, and it would be over!
SPIKE: Yeah, but in this fic, everyone’s
stupid. That’s why I like it. *grins* So, where did Angel go? I wanna hear
people call him a dope again.
"We actually have more time than we
realize>" Oz commented, "When I pulled in the driveway, I seem to ran over
her bike." "You mean the pink one?" The witch asked, and Oz nodded, "That was my
bike!" "Opps. Well, let's not worry about that right now. We need to find
shelter and contact Buffy." He looked around and then spotted a straw hut a few
yards away. After a few miles of running they finally made it to the hut,
JESSIE: Waitaminute, it was yards away, but they ran for miles? Augh, my
head hurts…
and walked in. The entire running made Oz tired, and he
started to huff and puff. The good news is with him inside he could rest.
CAT: `The good news is with him?`
SPIKE: Oz is an
evangelist!
JESSIE: (as Oz) Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the light, and
it is God! Now give me money! The good news is with me!
ALL: Haleighluya!
The bad news is that the straw walls couldn't support the heavy
breathing, and collapsed. Willow slapped him on the head for the apparent
stupidity
VEGETA: (as Willow) You and your stupid breathing!
Tssch!
and then the two ran off to find more shelter.
*****
Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood was able to locate Oz's Van by
manipulating a dark mystical entity known only as a plot hole. Her little motor
scooter was placed in park right next to the van. Then she placed her picnic
basket on the ground to try and find any footprints. It was dark, she had to
look hard, but she found them.
SPIKE: Doesn’t her mystical magical
picnic basket have a flashlight in it?
JESSIE: (as Little Red) Hmm… first aid
kit, uzi, inflatable banana, tranquilliser darts, small forest creatures… nope,
no flashlight.
Unfortunately she went to retrieve her picnic basket only
to find that it was missing.
ALL: D’oh!
*****
CAT: Again
with the language!
VEGETA: Quite a vocabulary for a little red-hooded
girl.
"I don't think it was good idea to steal this picnic basket from
that sweet little girl." A little bear said,
SPIKE: I have a horrible
feeling I know what this is building up to…
"We'll be in big trouble with
the forest ranger."
VEGETA: Yeah, I’m sensing it too…
"Don't
worry about me, for I'm smarter than the average bear."
ALL:
D’oh!
SPIKE: We were right! Argh, bad cartoon crossover, bad!
JESSIE:
Jisuka-hime, no baka!
CAT: You can’t justify this unless they die a horrible
death.
A larger bear replied as he dug into the basket and picked two
strange,
VEGETA: Strange what?
JESSIE: Strange… greyhounds?
SPIKE:
We did this already too.
JESSIE: Kuso. We should keep records.
"Hey,
these are funny looking pineapples. Want one?" "Sure." "Wait, someone put these
pins in them. I'll have to get them out." The big bear removed the pins with his
teeth but dropped them. He and his companion went after them, then there was
suddenly a large BOOM!.
ALL: Heheee!
CAT: *looking upwards* Thank
you!
SPIKE: Redemption achieved! I love this fanfic even more!
VEGETA:
Plus, it’s almost over.
*****
"Hurry up, Oz. Let's find some
shelter." Willow shivered in her wet clothing. "I'm cold." "Well, if you haven't
fell in that puddle of water, you wouldn't be shivering." Oz bickered. "Well, if
you would have blown down the straw hut and then that of sticks, we wouldn't be
in this mess."
JESSIE: (as Oz) Well, if you hadn’t let yourself get
kidnapped by a little girl, that wouldn’t have happened!
VEGETA: (as Willow)
Well, if you hadn’t been bitten in the first place, you wouldn’t be an insane
werewolf murderer!
JESSIE: (as Oz) Well, if Angel hadn’t left the door open,
I’d have never killed the old women!
VEGETA: (as Willow) You’re right! Let’s
go lynch Angel!
She countered bickered, then spotted something in the
darkness. "Look another house." The two ran up the yellow-bricked road that led
to the house. When they got there, the next step was getting inside. Oz examined
the window on the door and decided to break it. Then he lifted the doormat,
picked up the key, and unlocked the door.
CAT: Hehee.
SPIKE: Random
destruction is funny.
"Okay, I'm going to look for a change of clothes."
Willow said as she walked to the closet and only found a
VEGETA: Closet
goblin.
CAT: Closet… goblin?
VEGETA: They live in closets and eat
shoes.
CAT: Er, yeah. *aside* Is there a doctor in the house?
SPIKE: I’m
willing to perform brain surgery, just give me a scalpel and a decent reason to
split his head open.
CAT: Closet goblins.
SPIKE: That’s a good
reason.
tight black dress and pointy hat inside. It was better than
nothing, and Willow looked sexy in it.
SPIKE: She’d look sexier in
nothing.
Now that she in dry clothes, the young redhead was hungry and
proceeded to the kitchen area, noting the huge iron cauldron in the dining area
and three bowls. She walked over and grabbed a smell,
JESSIE: Then she
grabbed a sight, then she ate a sound, and finally, she smelled a
texture.
"Hmm, porridge." With first taste, Willow made a bitter
expression and said, "Too sweet." So, she walked over the second bowl and her
face turns red, "Too spicy."
CAT: Who puts spice in porridge?
Honestly.
VEGETA: Perhaps porridge needs paprika?
She decided then
grabbed the third bowl and after tasting that one, she knew it was just right.
Oz walked in, "Oz!" She said, "Someone left some porridge. Want some?" "No
thanks. Bad news the phone is out." He stated and turned off the light, "And so
is the electric." "That's not funny." "Anyway, I think we could use some rest."
Oz said then was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who is it?"
JESSIE: Greyhound inspector. Do you have any illegal greyhounds in the
house?
SPIKE: You’ve gone greyhound mad, you.
CAT: Blame Ant and Dec,
that’s what I usually do.
VEGETA: What, for anything?
CAT:
Anything.
VEGETA: `I broke the vase, it’s their fault!`?
CAT: People
accept it! It’s fun.
A familiar little girl's voice answered, "Girl Scout
cookies!" "Oh, Oz, let gets some." Willow jumped all excitedly and raced towards
the door. When she opened it, she found Little Red Riding Hood waiting with her
picnic in her hand, "Does this mean you don't those chocolate mint cookies?"
JESSIE: (as Little Red) Nuh-uh, but I could whip up some toffee
chocolate cookies, if you give me half and hour and a decent
kitchen.
"Nope." Little Red replied. Willow now knew she was dead, if
only there was something she could do. Quickly she realized it, and grabbed the
picnic basket. "Hey!" Riding Hood cried, and tried to take the basket back. "Not
so tough without your picnic basket." Willow grinned, and took the basket and
placed it on a high shelf in the dining room.
SPIKE: *giggling* But now
poor Oz can’t reach it!
JESSIE: Poor short werewolf…
VEGETA: Hey! There’s
nothing wrong with being short! And I prefer `vertically challenged!`
OTHERS:
*laugh*
VEGETA: Yeah, well, I can still blast you all into another
dimension!
OTHERS: *stop laughing*
CAT: Ah, good point…
SPIKE:
Vertically challenged…. Does that make me `Bite-ily challenged?`
JESSIE: And
James is `Brain-ily Challenged?`
CAT: And Dec is `all of the
above`?
The redhead grabbed the little girl by her hood and placed her in
the iron cauldron. "Now, you stay put. While we call your parents." "I'll make
the phone call." Oz said and then left. Little Red tried to climb out, but
Willow grabbed a nearby broom and smack the child on the hand with the bristles.
"I said stay put." The witch said. Suddenly someone had broken down the door.
Willow sighed with relief knowing that Buffy and her friends had found. But the
subject in question was no friend. Willow examined him carefully, noting the
flannel shirt and axe, clearly this person was a
SPIKE:
Lumberjack!
ALL: *sing the Lumberjack song from `Monty
Python`*
huntsman. The huntsman looked at the teenage girl dressed in
black and the tear sobbed and bruised little girl sitting all scared in that
cauldron and drew to an conclusion.
VEGETA: (as Huntsman) I conclude
that the small child is actually a hamster, and the girl in black is Salvador
Dali! It’s all so obvious now!
Little Red decided to put on a show of
tears to help. "It's not what it seems." Willow said as she dropped the
broomstick. "Don't lie to me, witch." The huntsman yelled as he raised the axe
in the air. Willow grabbed a nearly cookbook and used it to shield the blow.
When the axe was well dug into the cover, both him and Willow simultaneously
looked the title which read in large font: "101 Ways to Cook Small Children."
SPIKE: (as Willow) Only 101? I can think of at least 132! Oh, that was
the wrong thing to say…
Willow's reaction was a quire smile, "Believe me,
this in not my day."
CAT: (as Willow) First my grammar goes all weird,
then my smile goes quire…
The huntsman didn't say anything. He just saw
the bookshelf that was next to Willow, and decided to push it down, causing it
to fall on her. Now he goes and speak, "You're a pathetic little witch. M.O.O.
should have burned you at the stake along with your two friends."
SPIKE:
Wow, the huntsman obviously follows the show…
VEGETA: (as Huntsman) This is
just like in the episode `Gingerbread`, when it looked as if Willow and Amy were
killing children because an occult symbol found on the hand of a mysterious dead
infant matched that on one of Willow’s notebooks, but it turned out that the
children were actually just the disguise of a demon bent on chaos and
destruction! *takes deep breath* … oxygen…
He then stepped on the
bookshelf and approached the little girl, "Are you alright, little gi." But he
didn't see a werewolfed version of Oz coming from behind. Little Red Riding Hood
only watched as Oz ripped the woodsman to bit.
CAT: 32-bit?
JESSIE:
Another bad joke...
When Oz was done, he saw the little girl and went
charging at her, Little Red ducked inside the cauldron, and Oz bashed his head
against the iron metal,
ALL: D’oh!
JESSIE: As opposed to the `nougat
metal`?
knocking himself cold.
SPIKE: (as Oz-wolf) Brrr…. Hey,
can someone get a mallet and knock me warm, please?
Deciding at it was
now safe, Little Red jumped out and picked up her picnic basket. Now it was time
to finish this. When the chime on clock went off, she suddenly realized
CAT: She was about to turn into a pumpkin if she didn’t wake the
princess in time for the ball at the seven dwarf’s house!
how late it
was, Little Red had to get home, or she would be late. She sighed, and guessed
she would have to finish this some other time. Beside, she had too much to let
it all end now.
****
The next day, Oz walked down the steps of the
library with a letter in his hand. "Hey, Oz." Willow said, "What do you have?"
VEGETA: (as Willow) Baaad Oz! Bad! Drop it! Have you been chasing the
mailman again, Oz?
"A letter?" Oz replied.
JESSIE: (as Oz) A
letter? I think it’s a letter… but it could be a fishstick, what do you
think?
Willow snatched the letter and read the envelope, "Hey, it's from
Little Red Riding Hood." She opened it and looked at what appeared to be a
drawing on a piece of paper.
CAT: But was actually a
tapeworm.
"It's the three of us." He noted. "How can you tell?" She
asked, "They're all stick figures." "We, there's you with the pointy black hat.
That's me with the guitar. And, that's Little Red in the red hood with the
machine gun, shooting the living snot out of us."
SPIKE:
Heheheee…
VEGETA: Why didn’t you ever just aim a gun at them when the slayer
wasn’t around?
SPIKE: Hmm… not sure, really…
JESSIE: And even with the
chip in your head, couldn’t you have set up a bomb and had one of them trigger
it accidentally?
CAT: Or couldn’t you have put poison in their food, or got
someone to do it for you? Hired an assassin, I mean?
SPIKE: Aww, where were
these suggestions when I was in Sunnydale?
"Look, there is something
written on the back." Willow said. "It says, 'To be continued.'"
ALL:
D’oh!
SPIKE: Actually, I wouldn’t mind another bit, if there was even more
Angel vs. Small Child action.
****
End of badfic
ALL:
Huzzah!
JESSIE: Well, mocking is fun, but snow is better…
VEGETA: Quit
whining, women. Get out of the theatre, now.
JESSIE: *thwaps Vegeta over the
head with a paper fan* *yelling* Hey! I’ll be quietly miserable whenever I want,
OK?!?
VEGETA: Owie… OK…
***All stand to leave, Vegeta first, staying a
distance away from Jessie, Spike next, followed by Cat, who leads a fuming
Jessie out of the door slowly.***
As Jessie walked out of the theatre
doors, the first thing that hit her was the amazing amount of Christmas
decorations. The second thing that hit her was a bunch of holly.
"Eeek!
Sorry, Jess!" James apologised rapidly, as he strung the holly up on the ceiling
properly. "What do you think?" He gestured to the scene behind him. It was…
interesting, to say the least. The crew were wearing Santa hats, scarves and
gloves, and Meowth had reindeer antlers strapped to his head, ones that he was
trying to remove with a small crowbar. Pikachu seemed happier with his tiny
antlers and red nose. There was a small tree in the corner, well, more of a
stick, really, that had been decorated hurriedly with paper chains, like the
ones you make in primary school with a few lengths of crepe paper. There was
even some fake…
"Snow!" yipped Jessie, rushing over to the white
granules.
"More like washing powder." admitted Aoi. "But lookit! We made a
washing powder man! With a carrot for a nose and everything!" Jessie didn’t seem
to care, she threw about the powder joyfully.
Dec motioned to the tree. "And
look! Presents and everything! Well, really bad ones, stuff we found around the
ship," he grinned apologetically. "but, still."
Soon, presents of pairs of
scissors, jars of peanut butter, and, since they always show up under a tree,
socks and gardening books were exchanged, and snow- er, washing powder angels
were made, after the washing powder ball fight, which got kinda vicious when
Spike and Vegeta had a small face off over a ball that allegedly contained a
stone.
Jessie sighed contentedly. "Thanks, guys, I can’t believe you
organised all of this for me…"
"It was mostly James." said Scott, who was
playing about with his new light-bulb, a hurried present from Cat. Jessie turned
to look at James, happiness shining in her eyes.
Someone coughed meekly, and
both Rockets looked up to see a small sprig of mistletoe above them.
"Bloody
hell, how cheesy can you get." muttered Spike. This didn’t stop Jessie and
James, who were still staring into each other’s eyes, before finally, at last,
falling into a kiss.
"Aww…" said Meowth, wiping away a tear.
"Happy for
them?" asked Ant.
"Naw, I got soap powder in my eye, what’s going
on?"
Jessibelle picked a poor moment to flick on her monitor. She emitted a
high pitched screech which pulled Jessie and James apart. James looked at her
dreamily. "Whatssit, woman-y thingy scary?" he burbled.
"Aww, Jamesy! Darn
it! And I was going to let you off your movie next week, too!" she cried, before
turning the monitor back off again in a huff.
There was a number of swearing
noises from the rest of the crew. Vegeta angrily threw a handful of powder at
the Rockets, which missed and hit Spike, beginning the angry powder ball war all
over again, which went unnoticed by Jessie and James, who picked up right where
they left off, but with a background of angry noises from the rest of the
crew.
Aww, Rocketshippyness abounds again. First time, and maybe not
the last, that we get romance and that on the SoL! Well, it was Christmas, I had
to give the poor characters a light break, right? As ever, fanfics to the usual
address: dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk for riffing fun. I’ll take any fandoms,
Pokémon, Digimon, Dragonball Z, Buffy, Angel, any cartoon, really *crosses
fingers and wishes for Powerpuff Girls*… especially if you’re odd enough to have
done SM:tv live stuff. Hey, if you’ve done Austin Powers stuff, I’ll personally
send you a box of cookies and a subscription to Greyhounds Monthly. Sh’later,
all!
*********************************************
"Die, Cheerio girl!
I’d rather have a bowl of Coco Pops!"
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