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Title: MST3K 1/2- The Vamp Gang Fic
Author: Kojiro
(http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19476)
You know, I can hear you saying `oh god, not her again` from here, y'know… OK, so, another Buffy fic, huzzah, by Smada, who I know a bit better than I do other authors, cause we're on the same Buffy board (www.buffyguide.com… tell your friends! And more importantly, tell JM about my free advertising! ~_^), which is kewl. So, yaay to Smads for sending me her great fic, yay to anyone else who ever sent me one, and if you want your fic to be MiSTed, the address is, well, a new one: aoi@team-rocket-fan.co.uk. Because I wanted to be even more SI. *grin* But dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk works too. Oh, and during the fic, Aoi will probably refer to Spike_Dru_UK as Mika. It's just what I know him as , to clear up confusion here. Or to create more. :oP I just can't call him that big long name, Mika is so much quicker to type. Anyway.
Standard disclaimer- None of it, excepting Aoi, is mine. Not Austin Powers, not Buffy, not Dragonball Z, not the fic I MiST, not Pokemon, not SM:TV. Hey, I think I got that alphabetically. Hmm. And I'm starting to use another disclaimer now, but about MiSTing in general- no harm meant to the fic authors or the fans of the show. The fics are volunteered, and I tend to go heavy on the characters of the show rather than the actual fic. Cause I only get sent good fics, really. All the ones I've done have been fantastic on their own, forget the MiSTing. And for the fans, aaah, loosen up, it's just a laugh. I don't character bash that much. That. Much. ~_^ That said…
Anyway, on with the show!
*begin funky waah-waah guitar*
In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere in time and space,
A random group of people are caught in an endless chase,
Pursued by a doctor, who's name is Evil,
A frickin' weird bloke who wants to rule the world,
He collected some weird fics, and some even worse,
And with his mini clone he hunts them all across the universe!
(Dr Evil: `Come, Mr Bigglesworth!` Mini-Me: `Eeeeee!`)
Dr Evil: "I'll send them freakish fanfic,
The weirdest I can find,
(Mini-Me: `La-la-la!`)
They'll have to sit and read them all,
Until the world is mine!"
(Mini-Me: `La-la-la!`)
Now keep in mind they can't control where the fanfics begin or end,
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of their loyal friends.
Reviewer role-call!
Ant! "Jessie, sweetie!"
Dec! "Pika-pika-pikachu!"
Aoi! "Canary power!"
Spi-i-i-i-ke! "Sod off."
The weird bits are innumerable, please try not to barf,
Just repeat to yourself, `it's only a fic`, turn off your brain and laugh,
For Mystery Surreal Theatre 3000 ½!
*end funky waah-waah guitar, and the fic begins. ~_^*
"No." said James, which isn't the most positive start to a fanfic. "I'm not playing Truth or Dare with you people! You're all insane." The blue-haired Rocket folded his arms, and put on the `stubborn look`, which is basically the same as the whiney look, but less pouty. Jessie grabbed his collar.
"We're all playing, so you have to too!" she snarled, throwing him on the sofa next to a bemused Cat Deely. "Of your own free will, of course." she added, rolling her eyes and sitting next to them.
Spike sighed. "Are we sorted? I don't want to play this any longer than we have to…"
Cat pulled a face. The game was her idea, as were most of the `getting to know you` afternoons on the fairly boring satellite. She thought that, even though there was tension and rivalries and minor slap fights, in the case of Declan and Aoi, they may as well be organised, group togetherness fights, right? Well, in her defence, so much space and all those insane fics do tend to warp your judgment. Vegeta, the resident unstable evil saiyan murderer, carefully placed a bottle of Sprite in the centre of the circle of people, and spun it, despite Aoi yelling `I haven't finished that yet, Veggie!` in the background. After a lot of spinning and everyone being covered in the remainder of the drink, thanks to both Vegeta's amazing strength and the fact that Aoi had, indeed, not finished that yet, it eventually stopped, pointing to…
"Ah. Oh dear."
"Hah! Ant's turn! Nyah!"
"Shut up, Dec…"
"Is it truth or dare?" sighed Spike. "I haven't got all day, I still have to feed that damn Jigglypuff-thing."
"Um." said the Geordie. "Thinking… er… truth."
James sat up. "I have it! What do you think about my Jessie?" he asked, pulling his girlfriend close to him. She hit him with a paper fan until he stopped grabbing her.
Ant shrugged. "Eh. She's gorgeous. But she's a bit of a bitch, you have her."
"Why you little-" Jessie leapt at him, knocking over the chair the unfortunate bloke was sat on. Oh, and him, too.
"Owie!"
Spike ignored the annoyed yells and terrified `eeps` behind him, and spun the bottle again. Wel, the quicker he did this, the quicker he got back to the TV. And Sunset Beach was on again, and the whole `evil twin was really the father of my illegitimate son, while I was away in Hawaii with a girl who was really my long lost wife who had amneisia after falling into a rock pool on our honeymoon` storyline was really getting interesting. Another spray of icky Sprite, and the bottle stopped.
"Ack!"
"Scott's turn!" Meowth mewled. "I know I have questions I wanna ask him!" the cat Pokemon nodded his head in Aoi's direction. Aoi whimpered and pulled the hood of her Offspring hoodie over her eyes.
"Dare!" yelped Scott Evil, quicker than he really should have.
"Idea!" said Dec, wringing lemon and lime drink out of his fringe carefully. "I dare you to snog-"
But the amazingly predictable dare was cut off by the annoying chirpy beep-beep of the monitor. Both Aoi and Scott dashed over, bright red.
"I'll get it!"
"No worries, I'll get it, it's OK…"
"No, I insist…"
Dr Evil's face popped into view, his weird bald cat perched on his knee, giving Gioanni's Persian funny looks.
"Mini-Me, didn't I ask you to fix that noise?"
"Eee!"
"That's OK, then." Dr Evil waved at Scott and Aoi's beetroot red, embarrassed faces, at the sniggering crew, and at Jessie, who was still beating the heck out of poor Ant with a mallet.
"You have a fic again! Isn't that wonderful?"
"Bleh."
"Whatever, whatever… This time, Spike-" he was cut off by someone yelling
"Oh, bloody Hell, didn't I see that one coming?"
Dr Evil wrinkled his nose, and continued. "-and Aoi must be in the theatre, OK?"
Aoi stared "Why me? I'm not in the fic, I'm a made up self-insertion character, who wouldn't possibly feature in anyone else's fics, right? Or, aren't I, and it's all some big government conspiracy to eradicate the world of canaries? ARGH!" she started hyperventilating, which was kinda pathetic, really.
"Erm, no. But you have to be their cause I'm the boss. I make the rules. And, cause you know the author. Enjoy your fic by Smada."
Hyerventilation stopped. "Yaaay, Smads! Smaddy Smaddy Smads Smads!" Aoi did a little skip, and danced into the theatre happily.
The others stared.
"What the hell was that?" said Scott, his nose wrinkled. But don't point out that his dad did that a few seconds ago, OK? ~_^ I don't wanna send him off the deep end just yet.
"Hpmh Another day, another insane weird fic." Spike stubbed out the cigarette he was holding, and grabbed the sleeves of Ant and Dec.
"Hey! Why us?"
"You didn't move out of the way quick enough."
Sure enough, the Rockets, Scott, Cat and Vegeta were at the other end of the room, wavily cheerily. Even the Pokemon had shifted out of the way. Dec gave Pikachu and Raichu a pleading look as Spike dragged him towards the doors, but the electric mice shrugged, and went back to shocking Meowth for no good reason.
"Should start paying attention, shouldn't we?" sulked Ant, trying to shake his arm free of Spike.
"Bon Voyage! Ja ne! Sayonara! Have a great fic, you-" James had the good sense to gag Jessie before she let another insult fly again. Good thing too, there are young ears present. Well, not really, but still. It's a valid point. Er, maybe not, but you see how it could be if- I'll shut up now.
<6- It's one of Ant and Dec's old album covers! Oh the inhumanity! Laugh at the ridiculous poses, and move on…>
<5- It's a waterfall, put up your `Friends` style umbrella, and dash through…>
<4- It's a poster for Pokémon, the 25th movie. Run like hell…>
<3- It's a sheet of Ranma ½ manga, carefully lift the corner and slip though without tearing Shampoo's face…>
<2- Tis a shower curtain, grab your rubber ducky and bolt through…>
<1- An Offspring poster! Dude! Careful not to crease Noodles, you duck past…>
***Aoi comes in first, all twirly and giggly about having a fic by someone she knows, followed by Spike, who's heard about these people and is somewhat worried, and Ant and Dec, who are looking bored and uninterested, since they hate Buffy TVS, but are walking fairly quickly, cause Spike still has them by their sleeves. Aoi sits down in the fourth seat, Spike in his usual third, and he throws Ant and Dec in the second and first.***
ANT: Ow. Proper violent, that Jessie…
DEC: Doesn't it count for something that I've never seen Buffy, and I hate it anyway?
AOI: No.
DEC: Fine.
AOI: *pulls a face at Dec for no reason*
DEC: Hey, I saw that! I saw that! *whines* Spiiiike, she's pulling faces at me!
SPIKE: *mumbles irritatedly* Aoi, stop pulling faces at Dec.
AOI: *sulks*
DEC: *pulls a face at Aoi*
AOI: Hey! Ant, hit him for me!
ANT: Er…
SPIKE: Can't we start the bloody fic now? *lights up a cigarette*
AOI: No need to get all bossy, Spike. Geez…
DEC: Yeah, you big whiney… bloke. Nyah.
Alrighty...
ANT: Argh! A fic by Jim Carey!
this is what is referred to as "the VG fic". VG standing for
ANT: Volatile Golf?
SPIKE: Vicious Grape?
DEC: Vigorous Gleam?
AOI: Vampire Gorilla?
Vamp Gang. The Vamp Gang was a group of folks on the Bronze who this story is sort of about, 'cept there's Buffy characters too. :o) And this part isn't part of the fic, just me being explainy.
AOI: You be explainy, Smads, you be explainy. *grins*
DEC: I'm scared already.
The fic's in serial form... if you don't want it like that then you can edit it out or whatever. Eee!
ANT: Hey, a footnote from Mini-Me!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPIKE: Twelve surprises, all at once! Wow!
AOI: Nah, it's just a tiny fence, with teeny tiny plants at the bottom of each plank. Aah.
Sunnydale Shipping & Supplies (warehouse), Sunnydale CA
* * * * * * * * * * *
ANT: It's a defensive line of Starmies!
DEC: Try to score a goal through *that!* Heh!
Drusilla and Spike are planning the resurrection of the Judge.
Open to:
Drusilla: Oh, this will be such a lovely party... death and screaming!
SPIKE: (as Dru) And party hats and streamers and balloons…
AOI: (as Spike) Not a real party without balloons…
Spike: Yes Dru, it'll be a real bash.
*there is a sudden knocking on the door*
Drusilla: Another present already?
Spike: *goes to answer the door* Yes, yes, quit with the racket, will you? We'll be found out and I'll rip your frigging heads off.
ANT: (as Spike) Your knees, too!
AOI: That was surreal, even for you…
*Spike lets the person in.*
Spike: Who the hell are you? You haven't got a box, so I assume you're-
ANT: (as Spike) An elephant.
DEC: (as guy) How do you figure?
ANT: (as Spike) Well, elephants don't carry boxes…
*Spike gets his vamp face and pins the guy against the wall*
Drusilla: Spike, let him go.
Guy: 'wot she said.
SPIKE: Hey, it's Dick Van Dyke!
*Spike grudgingly lets go of the guy*
Spike: Dru, who is he?
Drusilla: I invited him.
AOI: (as Dru) He's a party clown! Dance! Wheee!
SPIKE: You're in one of those moods again, aren't you?
AOI: Greyhounds!
Hello. *waves*
ALL: Hi! *wave*
Guy: Hiya luv.
Spike: *gets jealous* Dru, is this another of your little gags? Who is this guy?
Guy: Daze.
AOI: Daze! It's Daze! I know him! Yaaay!
Drusilla: *cooes* Oh, Daze, you make me feel like I'm in a trance.
Spike: *gets upset* What the hell is this "Daze" doing here? He hasn't got a... present.
Daze: *shrugs*
Drusilla: Spike, be nice. *smiles at Daze* May I call you Doctor?
DEC: (as Daze) No, but feel free to call me Nancy.
ANT: Something I never want to hear you say again.
Spike: *considers ripping off this Daze-guy's head, but then*
*another knock at the door*
Spike: What is it now? *opens the door*
Vampire woman: Oh, it's you!
SPIKE: (as Vampire Woman) Barney the purple dinosaur! I love your antics! Aww!
ANT: There are so many things I hear here that I never, ever want to hear again…
Spike: Me?
Vamp woman: Yes, you!
Spike: Well, I suppose it is. And who are you?
Vamp woman: I'm... Muse. Spike's Muse. *grins* You can call me Musey.
ANT: (as Muse) It's short for Museum. Or, er, not.
Spike: 'Spike's Muse'?
SPIKE: I… have a muse?
AOI: Yes, apparently. But it's a really, really nice muse.
SPIKE: Right. That's OK, then, I think. Er.
Musey: Yes.
Spike: And?
Musey: And what?
Spike: *sighs*
*another knock at the door*
Spike: *opens the door* Yes?
Guy #2: Hey!
Spike: Hey what?
Guy #2: Hello!
Spike: Well, ok. Who are you? "Spike's Whatever"? "Catatonic"?
Guy #2: I'm, uh... Spike_Dru_UK
AOI: I know him too! Mikaaaa! Wooo!
DEC: That's painfully confusing. Now we have three Spikes, fic Spike, theatre Spike, and Spike_Dru_UK- darn, I've gone cross-eyed.
Spike: What kind of a name is that?
Spike_Dru_UK: Mine.
Spike: Well, I'm not even sure how you say those: _ things.
SPIKE: (as himself, kinda. Argh.) But I sure can teach you how to pronounce a : correctly.
Spike_Dru_UK: It's great to meet you! *looks into room* Hey, is that Drusilla? Wow!
ANT: No, it's a gopher, but good guess.
*another knock on the door*
Spike: I'm not even going to answer that one.
Musey: OK, I will then. Fabby! Hey! Fancy seeing you here! *winks*
Fabby: Yeah, big surprise. Is everyone already here?
Musey: *scans the room* I think so. All except for the-
*knock on door*
Spike: *sighs and considers killing someone*
SPIKE: I like fic me.
AOI: Fic you is you. I think. Ow. Brain hurts.
Musey: *opens the door* Ah, I was waiting for you to show up.
Bartender: Uh, yeah, I was hired for a party here? By a.... Daze?
Musey: *evil grin* Yes, of course. Come on in.
To be continued.....
ALL: *Dunn-dunn-daah!*
ANT: (as Wayne) Let's do the Scooby Doo ending!
ALL: *make the weird `doo-doo-doo` scene change noises… gaah, hard to explain, just go watch Wayne's World.*
Spike and Drusilla are victim to several strange vampire guests.
Open to:
Drusilla: *oohs* Oooh, aren't they the most delightful things?
DEC: (as Dru) Teeny tiny little puppies! But they're plastic! And they fit in your pocket!
Spike: A nuisance? Is that what you mean? One of them is creepy, one of them is as annoying as hell, and, well, the two girls are OK, actually, but it's the principle of the
thing.
AOI: Ohh, let's work out which is the annoying one and which is the creepy one! A fun game for all!
ANT: Better than the time we played Pictionary, and Spike threw the potted plant at Jessie.
SPIKE: I had reason! It was obviously a fieldmouse, how the hell did she get tandem bike from that?!?
Drusilla: You just say he's creepy because you're jealous. *glares*
Spike: Well, yes, but I think I have a right to be!
Drusilla: *gazes wistfully in the direction of the screams of the bartender* Come, let's forget all about it now. *sighs* The pain is a reflection of the future. It's wonderful.
Spike: Pain? Future? Future pain? Whose?
DEC: Ours, there are another 20 or so pages of this fic left.
ALL: Gaah…
AOI: Too much riffing… throat *will* hurt…
*knock on the door*
Spike: Oh, for- *gets up and opens the door*
Girl: H'lo. You're Spike, right?
Spike: Yeah. And you?
Girl: Oh, no, I'm not Spike. *pauses, thinks, then winces* But you didn't mean that, did you.
Spike: No, not really.
Girl: Call me Smada.
AOI: Smads! Yaaay!
Spike: And what are you doing here? Late arrival for the 'fantastic' party?
Smada: No, actually I wasn't really planning on being here. But I figured you might like to know that the Slayer knows where you are.
Spike: The Slayer WHAT?
AOI: (as Spike) Argh, right on the rug!
SPIKE: (as self) She ate WHAT?
ANT: (as Spike) She's called WHAT?
DEC: (as Spike) She.. argh, run out of adjectives. Aww, greyhounds.
Smada: Knows where you are. Well, not YOU in particular, but she knows about all the disappearing bartenders, and she's tracked them to here. And she's got the usual
'Slayer's curiousity killed the demon' mentality, if that makes any sense.
ALL: No.
DEC: Actually, I got that, it just seemed like a neat riff if I didn't, y'know?
Spike: *curses*
*Switch scene to inside the warehouse.*
Drusilla: *looks up from the innocent bystander she's helping Daze torture.* Ooh!
ANT: (as Dru) I just remembered I left the oven on in 18th century England! Damn!
Fabby: Uh-oh. Uh, guys? We should be going now!
Spike_Dru_UK: What? Why?
Drusilla: *whispers* The Slayer is following the trail...
Spike_Dru_UK: Trail? Trail of what?
AOI: Trail of candy. They think it's hard to trap a slayer, but all you need is a bag of M&Ms. Like in `E.T.`
Spike: *enters* Trail of bartenders. Someone got a tad careless.
Musey: Oops.
Daze: Bartenders? *he glances at Musey*
Musey: Uh... heheh... bartenders? Where?
DEC: (as Daze) Oh, that huge pile of dead guys over there, of course! I had missed 'em for a sec. Thought we'd just… y'know, bought a load of potatoes, or something.
Spike: Which means, we should get the hell out of here!
Spike_Dru_UK: Why don't we just kill her?
Spike: *glares at Spike_Dru_UK* Do you think I haven't tried that before?
ANT: (as Spike) You're right, that's a brilliant idea! Wish I'd thought of killing her before.
AOI: (as Spike) And here's me giving her cake instead! D'oh!
And we are trying NOT to be found, especially with the thing...the birthday party. So just shut up and...and change your name, will you!
Spike_Dru_UK: Change my name? You change yours!
AOI: It *is* confusing. Can we call him Beatrice from now on?
SPIKE: If you like.
Musey: Whoa, whoa, let's calm down here.
Fabby: I agree with Spike...um, our Spike. The Dru_UK one.
SPIKE: Beatrice.
We should take her on.
ALL: *singing* Take on meeeee… Take me oooooon…
*the warehouse door is knocked on*
Spike: Dru, let's go and get more... refreshments for the party, shall we?
Drusilla: *nods, waves goodbye to Daze, and lets Spike lead her out the back door*
Spike_Dru_UK: Hey! Where are they going?
DEC: I don't know, Beatrice.
Daze: Looks like we're on our own, guys.
*more knocking*
Daze: *opens the door...*
Smada: Finally! Spike- the other Spike, locked me out! He said some not so nice things,too!
ANT: (as Smada, whiney) He said that Santa doesn't exist! But I don't believe him, of course.
DEC: (as Spike_Dru) Umm, Smads…
Spike_Dru_UK: Which Spike? Me?
Smada: No, the other Spike, the one that's not the one that's Spike... er...*looks around*...I mean, the Spike who isn't here...
AOI: Just use our handy system of Beatrice and Not Beatrice.
Daze: *after Smada steps inside, quickly shuts the door and bolts it*
Fabby: Hey Smada.
Musey: I'm afraid we've gotten ourselves into a pickle.
DEC: (As Musey) How the hell did we get into a jar of pickle this big? It's like the weirdest accident in the world, or something.
Smada: Yes, it looks it.
*another knock on the door*
Spike_Dru_UK: What's with all the knocking? It gets a bit annoying!
To be continued...
ALL: *Dunn-dunn-duhh!*
ANT: Ow, that hurts my throat.
(Note: The Slayer that is at the moment knocking on the door, is not intended to be any of the Buffies [okay, that looks weird]
SPIKE: Sounds weird, too.
DEC: Bet it smells weird.
AOI: If it doesn't taste weird, I'll eat my hat. Which would taste really weird. That thought hurts.
that we know, just the Buffy from the show. Therefore, she'll be trying to dust the gang. Not good.)
ANT: Depends on your point of view, there.
AOI: *hits him over the head* Hey! I know these people! Well, some of them, anyway. But the point still holds!
Spike and Drusilla have "gone to get more refreshments",
SPIKE: (as Dru) We'll be back… with Pringles!
AOI: (as Spike) Dru, should we get the chocolate donuts or the icing ones with sprinkles?
SPIKE: (as Dru) Sprinkles speak of the stars…
DEC: Is it bad that it scares me whenever Spike does that voice?
ANT: No.
DEC: 'k.
leaving the Vamp Gang with a Slayer after them... and there is a knock on the door...
*knocking*
*nothing*
*more knocking*
DEC: Then a haddock.
ANT: Eh?
DEC: Wanted to break the pattern that was about to emerge.
Spike_Dru_UK: *breaks the silence* Well... should we open it or something?
SPIKE: See, Beatrice had the same idea.
AOI: Can't we call the poor bloke Spike_Dru again, cause Spike_Spike has cleared off?
SPIKE: *mutters* Fine, fine…
Daze: We probably won't have to. *clears his throat and straightens his jacket*
Fabby: *picks up a nearby chair*
AOI: *dances with the nearest canary*
ANT: *eats the nearest pizza*
DEC: *drinks the nearest beer*
SPIKE: *explodes the nearest greyhound*
AOI: That was surreal, even for us…
DEC: Eww, greyhound guts…
*the door suddenly crashes onto the floor. The Slayer (no relation),
SPIKE: Um?
ANT: To who?
DEC: The Slayer, no relation to David Letterman.
***Funny looks all round at Dec***
DEC: What? She's not, is she?
stands there, looking slightly miffed. She holds a steak. Behind her are Giles, Willow, and Xander.*
Buffy: Didn't your mother ever tell you, it's not polite to leave someone waiting at the door?
ALL: *giggle*
AOI: Nope, mother usually told me `Get the hell off that roof, you child of Satan.`
SPIKE: Mother usually told me… well, very little since I killed her…
ALL: *back away slowly*
*her face suddenly gets a strange expression, and she looks down*
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Ah, shoes go *there!*
Xander: Buff... what are you doing with that steak?
Musey: *while knocking a cross out of Xander's hands and trying to bite him* Actually, it's not a steak.
ANT: (as Musey) It's a mutant wasp! Ruuuun!
Spike_Dru_UK: It's HAM! Mmwuhahaha! *begins to run about the room crazily, trying to evade a very annoyed Buffy who throws the ham at him*
DEC: (as Buffy) Didn't your mother ever tell you to not evade ham?
AOI: *dancing* Go Spikey! Go Spikey! Wooo!
SPIKE: Mental note- never let her have a fic by a friend again, it gets scary.
Giles: *fires a crossbow bolt at Fabby, who has just hit him over the head with a chair* Ungh!
Fabby: *gets hit in the gut with the bolt* Hey! OUCH!
DEC: (as Fabby) Dammit, I was always told that getting hit in the gut with a metal bolt was like being jumped on by a kitten! They lied! LIED!
Willow: *presses a cross against Musey's back, making her start in pain, and pulls Xander away* Get away from him!
Buffy: *gives up on catching Spike_Dru_UK for the moment, and instead focuses on Daze, who is strangling Giles*
Giles: ....
Buffy: Hey! That's ENOUGH!
ANT: (as Buffy) Didn't your mother ever tell you not to pronounce dots?
Musey: *winces and rubs her back* Enough what, exactly?
Buffy: Enough... um... uh, bad stuff!
Xander: *gasps* You mean, enough killing us?
Spike_Dru_UK: *leaps from the rafters onto Buffy's head* CANARY POWER!
AOI: *takes up the cry* Canary Power! Yaay!
DEC: Oh good god, there's two of them.
Buffy: Ow! Okay, now... *pulls out a stake* ...you are really dusted!
Spike_Dru_UK: Now, wait a minute... um.... sorry? *is staked*
AOI: NOOOOO! *cries*
DEC: Nooo! He was cool!
SPIKE: Poor canary bloke. I liked him, he reminded me of Dru, in some weird way.
DEC/ANT/AOI: *waaah!*
Smada: Eep!
Fabby: Spike??? No!
Musey: Oh -
Daze: *growls*
Buffy: *shakes the dust out of her hair and throws a side kick at Daze*
ANT: (as Buffy) He's a side kick for you! Catch!
Daze: Oof. *grabs her foot and twists her leg, dumping Buffy on the
SPIKE: …ocean's floor. Daze can really throw a long way.
floor*
Buffy: Ow! Not much with the chivalry, are you?
Daze: Not with the Slayer. *is punched in the gut as Buffy jumps back up*
*switch scene back to the others*
Smada: *still in shock* That was SO not nice of her to kill him!
SPIKE: Kill her for killing canary-bloke!
AOI: Yaaay! Fun!
*morphs from vamp face into something rather yellow and feathery, her demon half*
Fabby: Ditto. *turns and hits Xander's head against the wall, knocking him out*
Willow: *backs away from a rather...chirping Smada, and chants something under her breath*
Musey: I have an idea! *grabs the woozy Giles and holds him in front of her like a
ANT: Fabric softner.
shield*
ANT: Whatever.
Fabby: *looks at Musey puzzledly, then it clicks*
DEC: (as Fabby) Oww, my spine!
Of course! We can use them!
AOI: They'd make great housepets!
Smada: Tweet? Tweet tweet twoot?
SPIKE: Someone care to translate?
AOI: She said `tyres are the lemur's task.` Wait, that sounds wrong.
(What? What are you talking about?)
AOI: Ack, I was so close!
Willow: *is backed into a corner, trying in vain to shoo away Smada, after her attempts at a protection spell fail* Umm... go? Please don't bite me? Or... uh... whatever it is you do?
Musey: *looks at Smada oddly* Smada, grab the red-head. She's a witch... she can help us.
Fabby: *grabs a rope from the table and ties up Xander*
SPIKE: From a roof beam?
ANT: Doubt it.
SPIKE: Damn.
*Buffy and Daze are still fighting, but Buffy is gaining the upper hand*
Daze: ARGH
DEC: (as Buffy) See? Upper hand is MINE! See how I make you say argh, because the upper hand is mine, and not yours, and no-one elses?
ANT: Sort of a Buffy/Mojo Jojo crossbreed, there, then.
AOI: Eew.
Buffy: Umph
Daze: Ow
Buffy: Agh
*she tries to get a hold of a nearby shattered piece of chair*
SPIKE: …but fails, and accidentally picks up a goat, instead.
*Meanwhile, Smada tries to calm down enough to go back to human-vamp form, seeing as she has no arms or hands to grab Willow with. In fact, she's somewhat like a large bird. Not a very handy demon half. ('Handy'? Get it? Heheheh... oh, sorry, back to the story)*
ANT: That was a fun cul-de-sac.
DEC: She's a vampire canary. Riiiight.
SPIKE: This person makes me scared to go near the birdcage in the pet shop now.
AOI: I know, cool, isn't it?
Musey: *glances over at Daze and Buffy concernedly* Smada, hurry! Think of... of...
Fabby: Death? Pain? Blood? Mauling?
ANT: Post it notes…
SPIKE: Push pins…
DEC: Climbing frames…
AOI: Mouse mats…
Musey: Yes, and moonlight and streams and... happy little puppies! Anything!
Smada: I'mtweet tweeting twoot! (I'm trying to!) *tries to grab Willow with her feet,
and Willow screams*
Willow: Buffy!!! HELP!!! It's a...a...a THING!
Buffy: *glances up just as she's about to stake Daze with a bit of the chair* Willow?
AOI: Hey! No! No stake more people I know! Bad Buffy, bad! *throws a plastic bottle at fic Buffy*
Fabby: There. Now that we've got your attention... oh, AND all of your friends...
DEC: (as Fabby/Wicked Witch of the West) And your little dog, too!
let's make a deal.
To be continued...
ALL: *Duun-duuun-duuuh!*
ANT: *koff koff* I shouldn't do that again.
Buffy: *looks at the vampires suspiciously* What do you want?
AOI: (as Smada) What any vampire wants… a good parking space, a mail plane and some garlic bread. Er, wait, not that last bit.
Musey: We'll let the boy go, but we need the witch and the Watcher. And your promise not to interfere, or... *tightens her grip on Giles and gets vamp face* ...we kill them. Understand?
Buffy: *hesitates and nods* But first, are they all right?
Giles: As well as can be expected after being choked.
Willow: I'm fine, but Xander's not good. I think he's lost some blood.
SPIKE: (as Xander) Hang on, I dropped it here somewhere…
DEC: (as Willow) Well, where did you last leave it, Xander?
*Fabby turns loose of Xander, who falls on the floor with a thump, and Buffy allows Daze to get to his feet*
Buffy: *checks on Xander. He groans and looks very pale.*
SPIKE: He never usually had a bright. Healthy glow, really…
Fabby: You can take him, but the other two stay with us until we have what we want. Okay?
Buffy: How do I know they won't be harmed?
Musey: We need them alive.
Daze: *glares at Buffy*
Buffy: *glares back*
Fabby: *turns to Giles and Willow* We need a spell, for the raising of a vampire...
ANT: Aww, he's not dead, he's just lazy. And, er, powdery. Yes.
AOI: (as Spike_Dru) Blaah, I'll get up in a minute, give me a bit of rest, won't you?!?
Smada: OH! Of course!
Musey: Smada! You're not... feathery anymore!
Smada: *looks down* Oh, you're right. Hmph.
Willow: The raising... *tries to think*
SPIKE: (as Willow) Thinking… ow… hurts… ow… Somebody stop the tadpoles from screaming at me! Aoow!
Giles: I've run across a couple of such...ow... spells. *winces and holds his head*
DEC: (as Giles) Willow, now you've got me trying to think! Ouch, oww.
ANT: (as Buffy) Didn't your mother ever tell you that the good guys don't need to think? Oww, brain hurts.
Willow: Are you sure you're okay, Giles?
Giles: I'm fine, really.
Musey: So? The spells?
Giles: How long has the vampire been ...dust?
Smada: *looks at clock*
DEC: (as Smada) Dammit, we missed lunch!
Umm... 15 minutes or so.
Giles: Oh, you're speaking of the... rather insane one, eh? *smiles faintly*
Buffy: *quits glaring at Daze and glares at Giles instead* He jumped on me! On ME!
Giles: *clears his throat, and winces again* Yes, yes, of course... it wasn't funny in the
least...
SPIKE: It was fan-bloody-tastic. I'd like him to do it again, but wearing spikey golf shoes.
Fabby: Would you try to stay on topic? The spells? What are they, and what do we need for them?
Giles: Er, yes. There's only one spell that would apply in this case. It should be in my books at the library.
ANT: (as Giles) Uhh, wait, that's my Margarita mix recipe…
I'll go get it and-
Fabby: Uh uh. We'll go with you.
Giles: All right. Buffy, perhaps you should take Xander and get him some help.
Buffy: ...I'll be back! Don't you dare hurt them! *exits supporting a weak and woozy Xander*
Smada: Well, then let's go get the spell!
Giles: There are some other things needed aside from the spell. What's left of the remains of the vampire.
ALL: Eeew!
AOI: Poor Mika, he's all washing-powder like. *sniff*
And some sort of biological frame...
DEC: Like a climbing frame for biologists!
SPIKE: Scientists love their playground, but the biologists and chemists always use separate jungle gyms. It's some sort of territorial thing.
Smada: Like bones or something?
Fabby: I can get those. Anyone got a shovel? *looks around for a shovel*
Daze: Anything else?
Giles: We need something to serve as a net of sorts... I'll have to look at the spell.
Daze: Okay, Fabbs, you find the bones, Musey, you go with the Watcher and the witch to get the spell, I'll go ahead and look for some sort of net, and Smada? ...could you... get him together?
ANT: (as Smada) Fine, fine, I'll go get the dustbuster…
Smada: *sighs and goes to get a broom and dustpan...* Ah... ah.... ah CHOOO!
AOI: Ew, you have Mika dust in your nose!
DEC: Breathing a vampire. Eww.
*switch scene to the library. Giles and Willow are studying the spell intently, and Musey is looking at all the books*
Musey: Hey, look at this one!
SPIKE: (as Musey) There's a pages, and it opens, see? How cool!
ANT/DEC: (as Willow and Giles) Oooh, wow!
'The rise and fall of the Compari demons'!
*gets the book down and flips through it, unleashing an awful musty smell.* Whew...
Giles: Please, be careful with that.
Willow: I still can't figure out the net deal. What do we use?
AOI: *raises hand* a net, maybe?
Giles: I'm not quite certain... it's for capturing the vampire's essence, so that we can recreate them.
ANT: Ukk. Essence of undead vampire.
DEC: Sounds like a scent I bought for Cat once.
Willow: So not an ordinary net. *sigh*
*Smada enters with a small paper bag.*
AOI: (as Smada) I forgot about Spike_Dru, but I bought muffins! Look!
Smada: H'lo everyone... ah choo. *sneezes and blows her nose* I've got the.... you
know.
Giles: Oh, yes, just set him down over there.
Smada: *puts down the bag and shudders*
*Fabby walks in with a large plastic garbage bag that makes clanking noises. She sets it down next to the bag Smada brought.*
SPIKE: (as Fabby) What? It's just cans for recycling, just because we're blood sucking creatures of the night doesn't mean we should ignore the plight of innocent seabirds!
Giles: Willow, could you set everything up?
Willow: Sure. *she grabs some chalk and draws some lines on the floor, and lays the
contents of the two bags out.*
*Daze walks in with a net. He shrugs.*
Giles: A net? I'm not sure if that'll work, but... give it to Willow.
Daze: 'K. *he hands the net to Willow, who places it over what she's already laid out.*
Fabby: Are we ready?
SPIKE: (as Fabby, rockstar-ish) Are we ready to rock?!?
AOI: (to Ant and Dec) If either of you asks if we're `read to rhumble`, you both die.
DEC: About to say the same thing to you, actually.
Giles: There's no way to tell if this will actually work... there's another way, but it involves the sacrifice of several vampires, and is only intended for use on vampires that have been destroyed quite a while back.
Musey: And there aren't that many vampires in the neighborhood lately except for us, and I don't think we'd quite go for that way.
Smada: Do you need us to do something?
ANT: (as Giles) You could play `La Cucaracha` on the recorder, but it wouldn't be of much use. Fun, though.
Giles: No, Willow and I will be able to manage.
*Fabby turns off the light and sets up some candles, then gets out of the way. Willow chants in Latin and Giles sprinkles something or another over the bones, dust, and net. This goes on for a while, with the candles flickering, then suddenly there is a bright flash.*
Smada: Ow... I'm seeing spots.
Musey: Did it work?
Giles: It... doesn't appear to have worked. The bones and dust are exactly as they were.
Willow: Yeah, but look at the net... *she holds it up*
AOI: (as Willow) I mean, look, there's a carp in it! How? It's weird.
Fabby: It's burnt through...
Daze: *shakes his head as if trying to dislodge something from his ear*
SPIKE: (as Daze) Knew I shouldn't have kept that tuba in there…
Smada: Daze? Are you okay?
Daze: Yeah... I'm fine... *looks startled* Or actually, I don't think I am. I didn't say that.
Giles: Oh dear...
To be continued...
ALL: *dunn-duuun-duuuh!*
ANT: *cough koff hack*
AOI: Eww.
***the light above the door goes off***
DEC: That it?
AOI: Union break! Yaay!
***All stand to leave, Aoi dashing and twirling out first, in a giddy mood, followed by Ant, who's coughing through having to go `duun-duuun-duuuh!` every now and then, trailed by Dec, finally Spike, who's dragging his feet a little. As usual.***
'K, so, there's not a lot left, at all, actually, so it should be done fairly soon. I didn't want to do the whole thing cause it'd be pretty long altogether, and I don't think people's attention spans will stretch over the MiSTing and more hosting segments…meaning, you'd never read the whole thing at once. But part two will be soon! Feedback, queries, comments, (pray, pray) fanart or fics to MiST to either of these addresses: aoi@team-rocket-fan.co.uk, or dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk. Back soon! Ja ne!
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`Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to evade hams?
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